01x19 - Tactical Village

For you.

And you.

And you.

Amy: What are these?

Charles: These, madam, are STDs.

What are you talking about, buddy?

STDs. Save the dates. For Vivian and my wedding.

Ah, yes.

Hey, just out of curiosity, how many people have you given STDs to?

Lots. Like 100.

[Laughter]

What's going on?

Uh... oh, okay. I get it. "STD" has another meaning.

You're gross.

No one else is gonna think that.

Everyone is going to think that.

But it's sweet that your mind didn't go there.

Thank you. It is kinda sweet.

Will your first dance be to you give me fever?

Will you be serving crabs at the reception?

Do you have herpes?

Guys, this is my wedding. This is important to me.

No more jokes.

You're right, and we're sorry.

We love you, buddy. Warts and all.

Sorry, I made a rash decision.

I was itching to say it. Okay, I'm done. [Laughs]

I have an STD.

So just RSVP, or...

Yeah, the number's right on there...

Great. Thank you.

Jake: Whoo!

Happy Tactical Village Day.

Happy Tactical Village Day.

Happy Tactical Village Day.

Holt: Peralta, I'm surprised to see you so excited about departmentally mandated training exercises.

It's the most fun day of the year.

Something you wouldn't understand, because you're not programmed to feel joy.

Yes, but my software is due for an exuberance upgrade.

You know, when you play along with the robot jokes it kind of ruins my enjoyment of them.

Yes, I know.

Anyways, Tactical Village Day is awesome.

We get to field test a bunch of cool, new weapons, and there's always a new training situation.

Last year's was prison break.

It got super violent.

[Action music]

It's like being in an action movie.

It's also a good opportunity for us to let off steam and bond as a unit.

Everybody gets into it.

Needless to say, the nine-nine has never had a perfect run.

Charles: True, but Jake has been the finalist for coolest kill two years in a row.

That's every precinct sending around their footage and all the cops voting.

It's not that big of a deal.

All you win is a children's karate trophy, so...

You desperately want it, don't you?

So badly. I will stop at nothing to get that trophy.

I'll shoot you all in the face if I have to!

Go team.

Gina, the D.A. needs copies of our interrogation transcripts from the Adams case.

[Video game sound effects] Gina?

Gina.

[Sound effects]

Gina.

Sorry. I was playing Kwazy Cupcakes.

Crazy cupcakes?

"Kwazy" with a "w." A backwards "w."

No such thing as a backwards "w."

[Chuckles] Yeah, there is. See?

Okay, how you play... You just line up three cupcakes with the same color frosting... Ka-bam.

Holt: And this little game of yours, it's more interesting to you than your work?

Yeah. Kwazy Cupcakes is a lot more interesting than this.

Stop saying "kwazy."

And stop playing this inane garbage. It's embarrassing.

Say it to my face.

I did. You were looking at your phone.

Oh, cool. My B.

Great news, I think I figured out my persona for this year' tactical villa..

Introducing Rex Buckingham British secret agent, ballistics expert, and ladies' man.

Yeah, 'cause what woman doesn't love a guy who's super into make-believe?

This whole training simulation is make-believe.

We shoot paint at fake bad guys. It's called acting.

Tell me how I'm any different than George Clooney.

He has a sexy voice.

I have a sexy voice.

[Deep voice] Champagne. Mountain range. Hugs.

"Mountain range"?

I couldn't think of anything sexy to say.

What? Mountain range, it's the sexiest geological feature.

No, wait, sorry. Deep sea trench.

I think I'm gonna go talk to Rosa.

You try to think of some sexier words.

Jesuit. Horticulture.

Lam-buh.

What is going on with you two?

Come on, Boyle, not this again.

You gotta admit there's a spark.

How many times do I have to say it? She's like a sister.

That's what Luke said about Leia.

Hey, Luke didn't know! No one knew!

Okay, Stella. All right. Oh, no, no problem.

Okay, all right, bye.

Damn!

Our babysitter's busy the night of Boyle's wedding.

She's gonna be in her High School talent show.

Which she's gonna lose, unless her talent is leaving potato chip crumbs all over Terry's couch.

Wait, Boyle set a date already?

Yeah, he gave out save the dates yesterday.

He didn't give you one?

I think he's been avoiding me.

Hey.

Uh-oh, I hate pizza!

He didn't invite me to his wedding, and he's scared like a little bitch.

Well, maybe Vivian was uncomfortable with you coming.

Look, Boyle was in love with you until a few weeks ago.

Oh, don't be angry.

I'm not angry. I think it's funny.

[Feigns laughter]

[Video game sound effects]

One hot pile of boring coming in.

Thank you, Gina. Dismissed.

You're dismissed.

What you doing in here?

Nothing.

Okay, cool, can I just see your phone for a second?

I may have been playing...

Crazy cupcakes.

Okay, Captain, I think we're past the point of you being too proud to say the "w." Fine.

I might have been playing...

Kwazy Cupcakes.

It's so addictive, right?

I play so much that when I close my eyes at night, I just see cupcakes now, instead of my normal dizzying array of flashing lights.

Yes, well, I have a tremendous amount of self-control.

I don't think I'll have any problem resisting this silly game.

As a matter of fact,

I've deleted the application.

There. Hmm.

Does this mean I've lost my progress?

Well, doesn't matter, because I'm done.

The nine-nine is in the village.

Amy and Charles: Nine-nine!

Hey, Ronnie.

They upgraded you from bystander to perp.

That's great, man.

Thank you.

I'm gonna blow your brains out.

Teddy: Amy Santiago.

Amy: Teddy!

Hey. Oh, my God.

It's been so long. What are you doing here?

I'm with the eight-two now. We're paired with you today.

Yeah. Quick. 10-54L.

[Inhales] Ambulance case. Severed limb.

[Both laugh]

What is going on here?

Teddy and I met at code camp.

It was a voluntary refresher course on police codes.

Some long nights of intense memorizing.

It was pretty dope.

Sounds dope.

Nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Well, I'm gonna go sign in, but we should catch up later.

Yeah. Great seeing you.

You too.

Who's that guy?

Uh, that was Teddy. We went on, like, five dates last year.

I liked him, but he was stationed out in Queens, so I never got to see him, and it sort of fizzled.

Right, that's the guy you said the lame stuff about.

Like "he's a good listener."

I'm sorry, what do you look for in a guy?

I don't know, real stuff.

Shape of his ass.

All right.

So weird that Amy dated that guy.

What do you care so much?

Okay, first of all, your insinuating voice is way too high.

It's creepy. And second, I don't care.

I'm just curious why she would like him.

Whatever you say.

Oh, yeah, no, I hear it now.

Yeah, I sound like Meryl Streep from Mamma Mia.

Oh, this is so cool. You can shoot around corners.

I love guns. I'm gonna make such a good dad.

Not even gonna touch that.

The Amy Santiago story.

Teddy: Santiago. Got one for ya.

10-51.

Roving gang, specify direction of travel and number in group.

At least make me work for it.

Hey, I got one. How 'bout 10-69?

That's easy. Message received.

And simultaneously given. Am I right? Up top.

69.

Got it. Yeah.

So they got the new handguns in. You want to check 'em out?

Totally. Of course.

Oh, I see what happened.

I thought he was talking to me.

And he clearly was. Chop chop, Ted. Let's roll.

Hold down the fort.

Uh...

That's a P.U.W.

Or a portable ultrasonic weapon.

It emits a focused beam of sound which can disorient and even incapacitate a perp.

So it shoots sound? Mm-hmm.

Is this the trigger?

Yes, but you want to be careful with that.

Ahh... ah...

Thought it would be louder.

It's highly directional.

If it were pointed at you, you'd be in incredible pain right now.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh...

Why is this happening?

I can taste my thoughts!

Terry: Enough, Diaz.

Charles: Oh, my God... [Panting]

That's pretty cool.

Captain Holt?

Have you seen Captain Holt?

Tall, handsome gentleman dressed like an airline pilot?

No. Okay.

[Video game sound effects]

Your pants are up. I'm coming in.

Captain...

Think you might have a little bit of a problem here, boo.

I have this under control.

You should leave. This is the men's room.

This is no longer a men's room. It is now a liar's den.

I am Captain of this precinct, and you are my assistant.

I have given you a direct order to leave.

I do not have a problem!

If I want to play Kwazy Cupcakes, I will play Kwazy Cupcakes!

"Kwazy" is a difficult word to say in anger, I think I've made my feelings clear.

[Gunshots]

Nice. [Chuckles]

Have you noticed they moved the trigger?

Real exciting finger feel.

"Finger feel"? Really?

[Gunshots]

Amy: Nice! Two to the chest.

Textbook shooting.

Yeah, and his overalls fell down.

I can't believe you would kill a farmer, the backbone of our nation's economy.

May I?

When it comes to shooting patterns, I like to go PB&J. pen1s, brain, jaw.

[Gunshots]

Teddy: Nice shooting, man, but do you think the pen1s is an effective target?

Interesting fact: A man can run half a mile with no genitals.

That's a weird thing to know a lot about.


Hey, hey.

Okay, so I know you're pissed at Boyle.

I told you, shooting him with that sonic cannon was an accident.

It's not just that.

Aah!

Oh! Ahh! Oh!

Whoops. Sorry. Net gun.

My cafe con leche!

[Gunshot]] Aah!

Sorry. Misfire.

[Gunshots]

Right in my breasts!

So many accidents.

Look, I get it if Vivian doesn't want me to come.

But Boyle should've said something.

We're supposed to be friends.

We're finally getting along.

Talk to him. That's what friends do.

Nope, I'm gonna wait till I'm on my deathbed, get in the last word, and then die immediately.

That's your plan for dealing with this?

That's my plan for dealing with everything.

I have 77 arguments I'm gonna win that way.

Seems like a bad plan.

Now I have 78.

[In bad english accent] Rex Buckingham at your service.

That was majestic.

Custom kneepads to help me win coolest kill.

What, don't tell me old Buckingham is the only chap here with a signature move.

Uh, no. I'm working on a thing where when I'm out of ammo I release my mag and dropkick it straight into someone's throat.

Oh! My buttholes!

Ooh...

Okay, I know you have two bullet wounds in your butt, but you've gotta stop calling them your "buttholes."

You know how people hold their guns sideways to look cool?

It got me thinking. What if you held your gun upside-down?

You can use that.

That will never happen, my American friend.

[Buzzer sounds]

Eight-two's done. Heads up.

Hey. How'd it go?

It went well.

We had a perfect run.

And not to brag, but I think we just set an NYPD course record for time.

Definitely a brag.

A course record? That is so cool.

Oh, thanks. I'm psyched.

Hey, good luck in there.

Thanks. All right.

All right, huddle up. This is how it's going down.

What happened to your accent, Rex?

Forget that crap. We're taking this seriously.

All right, on three.

Let's break that course record and be the best precinct here.

Ready? One, two, three!

All: Let's break that course record and... [jumbled speech]

Yeah, I agree, it was too many words. Let's do it!

Okay, I've got the details for this simulation.

A group of armed men entered an embassy and have taken hostages.

Which embassy? Doesn't matter.

Fine. Canada, then.

So take out the perps, clear the civilians, rescue the hostages?

Affirmative.

This is an active shooter situation.

You're cleared for maximum engagement.

"Maximum engagement"?

What is this, Jurassic Park: The ride?

Diaz and Boyle, perimeter security.

Me and Boyle?

Yeah. Just the two of you.

Peralta and Santiago, you're the assault team.

I'll be in the command center.

Scully, I want you to do nothing.

Just stand next to me and say, "yes, sarge."

Okay, sarge.

Come on, man.

All right, focus up.

We got 18 minutes, 41 seconds to break this record.

No screwing around.

Whoa, you're really not gonna do a character?

What about Rex "Bookinghame"?

Okay, never, ever do an accent again.

And I am playing a character: A no-nonsense Detective whose only goal is to set this course record.

His name is Vic Kovac.

He's an ex-navy seal who is double-crossed and left for dead.

I don't have time for his back-story. Sarge.

Okay, guys, and go!

[Suspenseful music]

[video game sound effects]

Captain.

Captain.

Captain. Sorry.

[Chuckles] I'm just about to enter sprinkle city.

They break the game into these idiotic worlds to give you some false sense of progress.

So just stop playing.

But I'm just about to enter sprinkle city.

Gina, I've got a problem.

This game is starting to affect my work.

Numbers three and four, switch places.

Cupcake match.

I don't understand why I can't stop.

I've never had a problem controlling myself.

Do you know I love milk?

Mm, no.

Well, I do, but it hurts my stomach.

So I haven't had milk, a beverage I love, for 19 years.

19 milkless years I've gone, but for some reason I can't quit Kwazy Cupcakes?

I know what to do.

Hitchcock.

You ever play Kwazy Cupcakes?

I love that game!

I just got up to sprinkle city.

Oh, my gosh. Interesting.

What level are you on, Captain Holt?

Sprinkle city.

We have so much in common.

Look at that, I'm cured.

[Thrilling electronic music]

[Gunshots]

Turn around!

Clear!

Clear.

Clear.

[Gunshots] Nice.

Jake: Okay, only three perps left.

We might actually do this.

I like Vic Kovac so much more than Jake Peralta.

Oh, yeah, Kovac.

Let's, uh, find the man who stabbed my sister and get revenge for ruining my life and everything.

You were double-crossed and left for dead.

I can't believe you remembered that.

I also can't believe I didn't go with the sister stabbing.

Emotionally, that is much richer.

Terry: Peralta, we got intel there's a hostage in room 409.

Jake: Copy that.

[Inhales]

I love how it always smells like fresh paint here.

Reminds me of how often I moved as a child.

No talking. You'll give away our position.

Look out!

[Gunshots]

Come on!

That was close.

There's paint in your hair.

Okay, here it goes.

I'm pissed at you.

Oh, boy.

I thought I wanted to do this on my deathbed, but apparently I could die randomly in some hallway somewhere, so...

You didn't invite me to your wedding and it hurt my feelings.

I thought we were friends.

I'm sorry. It's just...

Vivian thought it might be weird to invite you because I used to be, you know, all-consumed by my passionate love for you or whatever.

It's okay. I understand.

Hey, thanks for shooting that guy.

Hey, my pleasure.

Ronnie: Your pleasure?

This was a human being you just killed.

Bill "perp" had a family.

[Gunshots] Oh! Whoa!

Hostages are in there.

Intel says there's a couple of heavily-armed perps with them.

You want to wait for backup?

No time. We only have a minute 12 to beat the record.

[Sighs] I'm going in.

Don't worry. I have a plan on how to beat them.

Give up.

What?

Trust me. Or don't. I'm doing it anyway.

NYPD! Don't shoot!

I'm here to surrender.

Let the hostages go and take me instead.

Not happening.

Drop the weapons!

All right, all right, my fingers are off the triggers.

I'm just gonna slowly put them down in front of me.

Slowly put 'em...

[Gunshots]

Oh! Damn it!

Terry, time!

18 minutes, 28 seconds. You broke the record!

Yes! Nice!

Well done.

Jake: All in a day's work, elderly lady.

All in a day's work.

Ah, there he is!

[Applause] Yeah!

The record is ours.

That's so amazing, Jake.

Check it out. I got us prizes.

Sweet. "Victim."

Amy: I can't believe your final kill came with Scully's move.

You went upsy-downsies?

That's what I call it, because you hold the gun upside-down.

Yes, Scully, I went upsy-downsies.

And none of you will ever speak of it again.

But I want to speak of it. You looked really dumb.

[Chuckles] Man, I feel so good.

Almost makes me want to start taking things seriously all the time, but them I'm like, "boobs, fart, boobs, whatever."

Alright, let's go. Drinks are on me.

Nice! Here we go, nine-nine!

Actually, Teddy asked me to get dinner, so maybe I can meet up with you guys afterwards?

Oh. Neat. Yeah. Of course.

Cool.

Boobs. Fart. Boobs, whatever.

So I just talked to Vivian.

I told her I really want you to come to the wedding, and she said okay.

Thanks. I'm excited to go.

Also, "STD" stands for "sexually transmitted disease."

That is correct.

It is, however, very expensive to reprint those cards, so we're leaning into it.

Rosie Diaz, will you accept my STD?

I look forward to having it forever.

Mm. [Giggles]

Terry: Well, congratulations, everyone, on a perfect run.

And a new course record.

[All cheer]

And congratulations to you, Captain, on beating your Kwazy Cupcakes addiction!

[All cheer] Captain Holt!

Okay, I had to tell them. It's my nature.

You helped me today, so I'll give you a pass on embarrassing me publicly.

Thank you.

I feel that the reason I was so vulnerable to this game was because technology has evolved to the...

Yeah, I don't know.

I think it's just bright and stupid and fun.

So fun.

So fun. So fun.

[Sighs]

Charles: What's going on, Vic Kovac?

What do you think Amy sees in Teddy?

So you do like her. I'm just curious.

I mean, I guess he's okay-looking.

And he's a good cop.

They're both kind of dorky about police stuff.

Also, he set the course record, but that's nothing. I broke it, like, 20 minutes later.

You want to know why she went out with him and not you?

Yeah.

Because he actually asked her out.

Hey, Vivian.

Rosa.

I'm here to celebrate with the team.

Look, I'm not really good at this stuff, but...

Thank you for inviting me to your wedding.

I'm really happy I could come, and I promise it won't be weird at all.

Yeah, I'm really happy you could come too.

'Cause I didn't think it was gonna happen.

What do you mean?

Well, Chuck told me you were gonna be out of town that weekend, and then, you know, he just told me that your plans changed, so, uh... so yeah, so that's great news.

Why would it be weird?

Um, it'd be weird 'cause I'm weird.

Oh.

Whooo...

I'm leaving.

Amy: Night, everyone.

Hey, Amy. Check it out.

No way, you won coolest kill?

Not even close.

It turns out anyone can just buy themselves a children's karate trophy.

Smart. Yeah.

Hey, before you go, I wanted to ask you something.

Amy: Of course.

I was just wondering...

Are you wearing lipstick?

Yeah, I'm going out with Teddy again.

Does it look weird?

I called my 13-year-old niece for makeup tips, but I don't know if I trust her.

She is so sexual.

You look great.

Thank you.

So what's up?

Oh. It's not important.

I just had a question about a work thing.

But have a great date, and we'll talk tomorrow.

Okay.

Bye. Bye.

I'll help you with your work stuff, Jakey.

Perfect.