02x15 - Hostages

[bunniefuu]

Whatcha got there?

A candle, perfume. Bra.

Someone's dropping off a care-package for mom.

Ew. No.

It's the stuff that Sophia left at my apartment.

Oh, bud. Oh, bud.

Breakups are the worst.

Man, I just want to walk up to Sophia, slap her in the face and say, "Girl, you messed up."

Terry: You need to destroy that stuff.

You want me to crush that big box into a little ball with my bare hands?

No.

I'm gonna text Sophia and give her her stuff back.

That way I'll get to see her again and hopefully smell the air around her hair.

That'll make me feel better. No, no, no, no, no.

Okay, you need to embrace the pain so you can get through it.

You need catharsis.

Sarge is right. You need to cathart.

Cathart your brains out.

Cathart all over the place.

That is a great point, guys.

Thank you.

You know who'd appreciate that a lot is Sophia, I'm gonna text her.

I'm gonna take that phone now, Jake.

I'd like to see you try.

Well, you did that very easily.

Look, I understand that you're trying to help, but I promise you, the best thing for me right now is to text Sophia.

Give me my phone?

Okay. Thank you.

And... send.

Why hasn't she written back yet?

Uh, this feels terrible.

You two could have stopped this, but you didn't, you monsters.

♪ ♪

Charles: Hey.

Any idea what this emergency meeting is about?

Probably about how all the cell towers in the city are broken, and that's why Sophia hasn't texted me back.

I keep checking my phone every three seconds, like a loser.

Tread lightly, son.

Jacob...

Have you done any of the catharting exercises I gave you?

Well, I don't own a bathtub, so the first two pages are out.

And it's the middle of winter, so where would I dance in a fountain?

Indoor malls, Jake. Indoor malls.

All right, squad.

Evry year, the Department of Homeland Security runs a multi-agency counter-terrorism drill.

The team from the DOD had to drop out at the last minute.

Thanks to our stellar scores at last year's tactical village...

Nine-nine!

They want us to fill in.

We are the only non-federal agency ever invited to this event.

This is a huge opportunity and we are going to nail it!

Nine-nine!

All: Yeah!

Charles? Yeah?

You know what I'm thinking?

Yes, we should pack grapes for the road.

No.

This drill couldn't have come at a better time.

I'm gonna throw myself into it and focus solely on getting a win, and not whether or not Sophia's texted me back.

Which she hasn't, in case anyone was wondering.

Nine-nine!

All: Yeah! Nine-nine!

I don't get it.

Santiago, Diaz.

Before you go, both of you requested to have this Saturday off, but I need one of you to work.

Oh, I could take that shift.

Well, last time you worked a Saturday, you watched cartoons the entire time.

Well, that's when they're on.

Work this out and get back to me.

Sorry. I can't reschedule.

I have tickets to a TED Talk on power poses and getting what you want by using your body.

Uh-oh.

I hope it doesn't get too sexual.

"Uh-oh, I hope it doesn't get too sexual."

Title of your sex tape.

But seriously, what is taking so long?

Also the title of your sex tape.

Well, I have plans on Saturday too.

I'm having dinner with my parents.

So?

You don't even like your parents.

You call them smiley morons and hug freaks.

Plans are plans, I'm a badass, not an anarchist.

I don't buy it.

You know, if you told me what you were really doing, I'd consider changing my plans.

But you didn't so I'm getting Saturday off.

Are you trying to power pose me?

I don't know.

Maybe I'm supposed to be sitting in a chair.

This is why I need to see the talk!

Captain, is the entire squad at this dumb field trip?

Yes, they are.

Is there a problem?

Uh, yeah.

You know how I've been defying all expectations by going back to school?

I always knew you had it in you.

Can't you just be blown away by me?

I need someone to take this personality test for my Psych class.

I was hoping to wow my professor with a genuine psycho like Amy, or Hitchcock, or Charles would be great.

I'm not a psycho, but I could take your test.

That would be awesome.

I do need to warn you that the results can be... a little unflattering.

It's okay, I'm no stranger to unflattering test results.

Your blood pressure's normal.

Normal? Take it again.

I'm not afraid to have my flaws exposed.

But just to be clear, though, it is possible to get a result that shows no flaws?

I guess. Good.

Good. Can't wait to begin.

Sophia text you?

No, it's just a lightly r*cist email forward from my Grandma.

But it doesn't matter.

It's time to cathart. Check it out.

Windbreaker city.

A*F, Marshals, ICE, FBI, Homeland Security.

Welcome to the big leagues, Boyle.

Oh, say that again.

I want to record it and use it as my ringtone.

Eh.

Hey, there.

Jake Peralta, NYPD. Pleasure to meet a colleague.

Colleague? Dude, read the jacket.

Homeland. We're not on the same level.

Wow. That was incredibly rude.

No, no, no, no.

I've always admired people who decided what they wanted to be when they were six years old and never waivered.

Bus drivers, ice cream men.

Princesses.

So when exactly did you decide you wanted to be a butt?

Was it college? Law school.

Just wanted to let you know that I went to law school.

At Butt University?

What are you doing?

I'm standing up for us.

Don't worry about it, that guy doesn't matter.

All right. Everybody, take their seats.

My name is Agent Kendrick, Homeland Security.

And I am in charge here.

Sarge, I was wrong. He totally matters.

This year's scenario.

t*rrorists have stormed the Capital Trust bank building and have taken hostages.

Noice!

Oh, cool trick.

I don't have a ton of free time to practice high-fiving.

You just made fun of us for that.

For practicing, that's the first time we ever tried it.

Here are your assignments.

A*F, you will be our t*rrorists.

Ooh, that's a rough draw.

Homeland Security, you are Command Control.

Marshals, Strike Team Alpha.

And NYPD?

Helicopter sn*pers, helicopter sn*pers.

Says here you will be our hostages.

What?

So you just want us to lie on the ground and do nothing, like a bunch of losers?

Yes, precisely.

No. Jackpot.

Can you leave me some wiggle room so I can check my phone periodically?

Why? Waiting for your mom to text?

No, actually, I'm waiting for a girl who broke up with me to text.

That's way worse. Yeah, it's bad.

This sucks.

I just got dumped by a mega-fox and no one's letting me sh**t a big g*n about it.

All right, you know what? Screw this.

I'm not gonna just sit here like a loser.

Boyle, free me, then I'll free you.

We're fighting back.

No, Jake.

We are behaving so we can be invited again next year.

Sarge, with all due respect, I am going to completely ignore everything you just said.

Okay, Charles.

Our hands are tied so we're gonna have to use our mouth.

Smart.

Wet the tape down with my saliva until you could slip right out.

No, bite it. Obviously, bite it.

I don't like it. Something stinks.

Well, I'm sorry.

But I refuse to mask my natural musk with a bunch of chemicals.

Uh, I was talking to Rosa about her "dinner" with her "parents."

I am having dinner with my parents.

Okay, liar.

What restaurant are you going to?

I don't know, some ltalian place.

Oh, Italian? Makes sense, Pinocchio.

He's a liar too, and ltalian.

I over explained it.

Gina: Okay, last question.

What body of water do you most identify with?

A, lake, B, river, C, ocean.

Oh, they can't be serious. Of course I choose ocean.

I hate the ocean.

That's where that stuck-up bitch Rose let Leo die.

There was plenty of room on that door.

Okay, the computer is tabulating.

Ohh.

You got category I9 C3 G6.

I9 C3 G6. Is that as good as it sounds?

You have a robust sense of self and are well suited to leadership positions.

Characteristics... strength, determination, tenacity.

Yes, I suppose that's accurate.

They do call me Tenacious Ray down at the country club.

Because for the past 10 years, I've been suing them for discrimination.

I'm very pleased with this assessment.

You should be.

I took the test too and I also got an I9 C3 G6.

What?

We got the same score?

It's just crazy how accurate this thing is.

Yes. Crazy.

All right, Sarge. Now to cut you loose.

No, I'm staying tied up.

I don't care how much of a jerk Kendrick is.

I want it to be clear I had no part in this.

No offense, but you are a huge waste of muscles.

Okay, Boyle.

There's two guards outside this door.

We need their g*ns. You know what to do.

b*at 'em up?

Pretend to be sick and lure them in here.

Right. The Charles.

Here we go.

Help!

I need help. I'm sick.

Is this part of the drill? What's wrong?

I have Seasonal Affective Disorder.

What?

It's a serious condition that affects millions of Americans.

What the hell?

We're fighting back, you t*rror1st crap sack.

Also, thank you for including us in this event.

Jake: You got a partner outside, right?

Call him in here.

I need help!

[g*n sh*t]

Ow.

Shh. You're dead.

See you later, losers.

Again, opportunity of a lifetime.

Just a real positive experience.

All right, we need to distract them.

Do you have anything I can throw?

I have a dog tag.

Oh, that is bad ass, Boyle.

No... it's an actual tag for a dog.

Yep. Molly.

She was my poodle growing up.

Never forget your first.

Your first what?

Dog.

That is never what people mean by that.

When you get to hell, say hi to Molly.

What? Why is Molly in hell?

Cause it sounds cooler than heaven.

Hiyah!

Both: Aah!

Door kick. What's up, dude?

Is it lunch time? Is the drill over?

We're freeing you guys.

Jake, can you hear me? Is it lunch time?

No, it's not lunch time. It's 10:30 in the morning.

No wonder I was starving.

Look, we came here to win and they're not even giving us a chance.

I think it's fair to say that no one in the history of America has been discriminated against more.

Buddy. Yeah, that's my B. Adrenaline talking.

So you guys in? I don't know.

I don't want to get in trouble.

Oh, wow. You sound like a real Terry.

Why don't you just take your shirt off and make your pecs bounce around?

Again, the adrenaline. Don't sue me.

Look, you two are still arguing about who gets Saturday off, right?

Highest body count wins. Done.

I'm gonna vape you like my e-cig.

Okay, you basically just lost.

Nine-nine, we are hostages no longer.

You know, I really meant to rip off the whole thing, but I say we go with it!

Come with me, hos!

2-1, Diaz.

4-2, Santiago.

Jake, this is great.

I sh*t a guy in the face. He is so mad at me.

Nice.

All right, this hallway is clear.

I think we k*lled them all.

It's a regular paint bath.

Like bubble bath. No, like blood bath.

All right, meet in the basement. Here we go!

Hyah!

Okay, me and Boyle took down six.

Rosa and Amy got 14.

Hitchcock and Scully?

Were k*lled immediately.

Yeah, we're dead.

We also disarmed and captured all these guys, so is that all the t*rrorists?

Not quite.

Drop your weapons, everybody.

Drop them right now. It's over.

You lost.

Drop them now or...

You're dead, crap sack.

All right, Sarge!

You decided to be cool.

I'm always cool.

I also couldn't spend another second listening to those A*F wads bitch and moan.

Leave it to the NYPD to screw up being hostages.

I thought cops loved to sit around on their fat asses all day and do nothing.

That's it.

Whoa!

My ass is not fat!

Kinda sounds like it was just about your weight issues.

I'm not gonna lie, that did strike a chord.

But I also didn't like the stuff they were saying about us.

Look, I'm proud to be a cop.

This drill is over. Let's get the hell outta here.

Drinks on me! Nine-nine!

All: Yeah! Oh, my God, it worked.

Let's go.

And nothing from Sophia.

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Um, we're not quite finished yet.

I know I, for one, am not done kicking bootay.

Dude, there's no more t*rrorists.

No, but there's more catharting to do.

We can make everyone regret ever taping us to chairs in the first place.

Sarge?

It seems unnecessary to piss everyone off.

I heard one of the Marshals call you jiggly Jeffords.

What? Give me another clip.

Now we're talking. You two are tied, right?

Both: Yeah.

Settle that score. Jake, what do you say?

Want to go after the Marshals?

And this butt from Homeland?

Get yourself a real win?

I don't know, Boyle. I mean, they're the good guys.

And that would make us... the bad guys.

Noice.

So you're in? Oh, I'm in.

I'm in all the way to hell.

And when I get there, I'm gonna see your dog, Molly.

Let's go, squad.

That was really unnecessary.

Terry: Jake, come outside. I've got Kendrick here.

Peralta, what are you doing?

You're NYPD, you're supposed to be hostages.

Supposed to be.

But we rose up and took down the t*rrorists.

That's right. We're the bad guys now.

Is this some sort of game to you?

Does this sound like a game?

I am a t*rror1st leader. My name is Francis Gruber.

My brother, Hans, d*ed at Nakatomi Tower at the hands of John McClane.

Also, I'm related to Jeremy Irons from the third one.

Okay, so it is a game.

Well, I'm not playing. Drill's over.

Drill's over, boys. Yeah, that sounds right.

We're not on the same level.

And apparently, you're at the level that can't handle us.

You trying to goad me, Peralta?

'Cause I'm in charge here and I don't have to engage with mall cops.

But I will.

Say it, don't spray it.

I'm in. What are your demands?

A guarantee that this drill doesn't end until one of us is dead.

Also, one large pizza with fennel sausage.

Brick oven, otherwise it's sog city.

And Scully needs some Gas-o-nex.

Extra strength.

Scully: Chewable!

Okay, so a fight to the death, pizza and Gas-o-nex.

Scully: Chewable!

You have 30 minutes to meet our demands.

After that, we paint ball a hostage every 15 minutes.

Got yourself a deal, Gruber.

Get us those demands. We'll be waiting.

We're not waiting one second.

Those demands were a ruse.

They were? I really need that Gas-o-nex.

I think there was some dairy in the cheesecake that I ate for breakfast.

We're not gonna hang around like sitting ducks.

We're gonna take the fight to them.

Like some waddling ducks!

If the waddling was super fast and cool.

Like some boss-ass penguins.

Yes!

I'm so glad you're back on our side, Sarge.

Okay, let's destroy some good guys.

Gina, I was outside on business and I purchased a box of assorted sweet treats.

I give you the first pick.

Don't mind if I do.

Curious.

On your personality test, you said your favorite shape was a square.

And yet now, when you're given a choice between round cookies and square blondies, you opt for the cookie.

You opt for the circle.

Yes, but it's not about shapes.

I'm choosing a cookie over a Blondie.

I'm whimsical, but I'm not a lunatic.

For butter, eggs, flour, sugar, baking soda, chocolate, salt, vanilla.

The basic building blocks are identical.

The only salient difference... their shape.

You're trying to get me bumped out of I9 C3 G6.

You don't like that the test put us in the same category.

That is so rude.

Do you know how many basic b*tches would k*ll to have the same personality as me?

Gina, you know I appreciate you but you have to admit, we're not exactly cut from the same cloth.

Apparently not.

I, of course, am an exotic silk, whereas you, sir, are snake skin.

So you can keep your box of deception and leave me alone.

It's a box of shapes and it contains only... the truth.

Fennel sausage. Jake, they did it!

Balcony's over there.

How many are out there?

Six Marshals. We're pinned down.

Great, it's over and we're still tied, 8-8.

What the hell?

9-8. Saturday's mine.

You said body count, you didn't say whose body.

Boom!

Power pose.

Ahh!

They got me. I'm dead too.

Kendrick? Come out!

It's just you and me.

Okay, okay. I'm outta a*mo.

Be cool.

Well, well, well. Hello, agent.

You don't actually have to sh**t me.

We can just say that you won.

But I want to sh**t you.

No way this is brick oven.

They were playing us, Jake!

Right, you're having a moment.

So. Any last words?

Just don't sh**t me in the face.

I got a date tonight. I don't want it to puff up.

I'm already 10 pounds heavier than the picture she saw.

Okay.

Just to clarify, those are your last words?

Because I'm about to sh**t you.

Ow! What?

No! [chuckles]

g*n taped to the back.

All these Die Hard references gave me the idea.

I got John McClane-d.

That is so much worse than any paint ball.

Interesting tactic, detectives.

Show up at your first inter-agency drill and mess the whole thing up.

Less of a tactic and more of a series of incredible events.

And what was the most incredible event... when I sh*t you in front of all your friends?

I have other friends. Who?

I knew it was a dumb idea to invite the NYPD to a federal drill.

Seriously, man?

You took all our g*ns, taped us to a bunch of chairs, called us fat, and we still took almost all of you out.

Next year, we're winning this thing.

Oh, you're not coming next year.

But maybe I'll see you at the Pentagon Christmas party.

Oh, right.

You guys aren't invited to those.

Kid Rock was there. Those are my last words, bro.

Man. He is just a really bad dude.

Jake, I'm sorry you didn't get your win.

Are you kidding?

This was a total win.

I haven't checked my phone in forever.

Now that I've said that, I do kinda want to check it, though.

I'm gonna just do it.

No text.

But I'm probably 20 percent less devastated than I would have been this morning.

And that's thanks to you guys.

[gasps] I catharted.

You catharted hard.

Gina, I've been thinking long and hard about what happened yesterday.

Oh, pray tell.

But remember, I'm not at your level so do speak down to me.

I owe you an apology.

The test was wrong to classify us both as I9 C3 G6's.

That's a terrible apology from content to tone.

I meant I don't deserve to be an I9 C3 G6.

I should be an I9 C3 G4 or an I8 C5 G3, or even an I7 C7 G8 or I2 C1 G3.

Is this a Rain Man impression?

No.

Those are all personality types not well-suited to leadership.

Just as I have not been.

A good leader should never diminish those around him.

It was devastating. Gina.

You're tenacious, you're strong.

You're a great leader.

And most importantly, any basic bitch would be lucky to be like you.

Apology accepted.

Can I have a huge raise? No.

But I am expanding your responsibilities to match your great promise.

You are now in charge of all scheduling decisions and budget tracking.

No! You can do it, trust me.

From one I9 C3 G6 to another.

It's crazy how much he flirts with me.

Hey, so I told Captain Holt I'd work on Saturday.

Wait, why? You won fair and square.

I mean, I m*rder*d you.

That was pretty shady.

Also, it was crazy assertive and I feel like maybe I don't actually need power pose training.

You don't.

Mostly because nobody needs power pose training.

The dinner with my parents on Saturday is to introduce them to Marcus.

What?

Why didn't you just tell me?

I didn't know stuff was getting that serious.

Yeah. It's very embarrassing having feelings.

Anyway, thank you. You're welcome.

Rosa's in love!

[whispering] Power pose.

Dropping this off for Sophia Perez.

Oh, no, you don't have to call her.

I'll just leave it here with you.

Okay. Jake?

Hey. Hi, uh.

Sorry I didn't text you back.

Thanks for bringing my things.

Well, I need to move on and having this stuff around makes that difficult, so.

Including this multi-surface cleaner?

Well, I only bought that to impress you.

And it worked, so...

All right, well, I should probably... get back to arresting bad guys.

Yeah, I should, uh, get back to proving they're not so bad.

Jake and Sophia. Enemies for life.

Like McClane and Gruber.

Both: You're the Gruber.

You're the Gruber.

I'll see you in court, Jake.

Okay. Bye.

Tell me if she turns back for one last look.

She turning?

Did she turn? Did she turn?