02x22 - The Chopper

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Gina, you got that file I needed Captain Holt to sign?

Uh-huh.

Mm.

Gina hasn't taken her eyes off her phone in two hours.

First person to make her look up wins the pot.

I'm in.

A bet which improves someone's manners? Double score.

Sorry, guys. I got this in the bag.

I used to have to distract her from her phone all the time when we were smooshin' booties.

Ugh.

Yeah.

Hey, girl...

[grunts] Catch you later.

Mid-morning dance party.

[disco music playing]

She's dancing even better than normal.

Oh, my God, did you hear that George W. Bush d*ed?

Who dat?

[air horn blowing]

Ooh.

Gina may never look at another real human being again.

She's unbeatable.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Terrence Jeffords, are you kidding me?

Changed my relationship status to "it's complicated."

Pony up, y'all!

[Terry laughing] Whoo!

[phone dinging]

It's my wife.

Hey, baby.

No! No, no, no. It was a mistake.

My thumb slipped and... I have to go home.

♪ ♪

Ladies and gentlemen, today is the greatest day of my life.

Guess who just got m*rder*d!

That's right... it's Carl Mather.

[gasps dramatically]

What? I'm the only one gasping?

Guys, Carl Mather? Did 25 years in Attica...

[gasps dramatically]

Sor... sorry.

Just point at me when you want me to gasp.

Will do.

Mather is part of the Fulton Street Four.

Amy: Oh!

They stole $21 million from an armored car depot.

Feds caught them but they never found the money.

Until now.

You found $21 million?

Oh, God no. Not yet.

I can see how that would be confusing though.

I'm sorry. But I'm going to.

Over the past six months, all four of these guys have been released, and now one of them shows up dead.

Someone's after that money, and they're willing to k*ll for it.

[gasps dramatically]

Holt: You're getting ahead of yourself.

You don't know that Mather's death is connected to the money yet.

Don't turn this into something bigger than it is, not with Madeline Wuntch watching us at all times.

Ew. When'd they put that in?

Holt: Right after Wuntch got promoted.

She had it installed at that height so she'd, I quote, "always be looking down at me," unquote.

Treat this like a regular case.

Sir, with all due respect, this is an epic case.

It's the reason I became a cop.

I mean, hunting down a m*rder*r, recovering millions in stolen money, rappelling out of a chopper with a Kn*fe between my teeth.

Why would you jump out of a helicopter with a Kn*fe in your mouth?

It's called a chopper, and the Kn*fe is in my mouth because both of my hands are holding giant machine g*ns.

And that's how it's going down.

Okay, reminder, tomorrow we are hosting a field trip for the Brooklyn Park Magnet School.

Sorry, Sarge, I can't be around magnets.

Pacemaker.

I'm actually not gonna correct you on that.

Guys, I really need this to go well.

My girls are on the wait list for their preschool and it's twice as tough to get in with twins.

Why don't you just get one of them in and then let them take turns going to school every other day?

Diaz, that's crazy.

I asked my wife and she said no.

This field trip has to go well.

This is my chance to impress the principal.

Sarge, you're in luck.

I went to a magnet school where I was voted "most likely to befriend a school administrator."

Oh, Amy.

Preteens are my people.

I speak their language.

They are gonna have an amazing time.

Thanks, guys. That's great.

If you want, I can show them some of the cool stuff we have in the evidence locker.

I'm pretty sure there's a bag of hands in there.

Whoa! No. No.

We got to make this place kid-friendly.

No crime scene photos lying about.

That's not a crime scene.

That's a boudoir photo I'm having framed for my wife.

That's me underneath the mask.

Oh, God!

[police radio mumbling]

Jake: Next, let's get statements from the neighbors.

Ah, hello, Captain.

Quick update: Another one of the Fulton Street Four was m*rder*d here this morning.

Huh, I'm surprised you're not celebrating inappropriately.

This is a crime scene and I'm a professional.

You did it before I showed up?

Yeah, that is exactly correct.

So two of these guys m*rder*d in the past two days?

It has to be tied to the missing money.

Admit I was right.

Circumstances do suggest a connection.

Admit it with more gusto.

You were right.

Yes! Did you get it, Boyle?

Oh, the camera was in selfie mode, but I look super proud of you.

Unfortunately, because this case has turned out to be important, that she-skunk Madeline Wuntch has her hindquarters pointed right at it.

She wants to see us in her office, no doubt to give the case to Major Crimes.

No, no, no. We can't let that happen.

Sir, we have to do something.

Fine. I'll seduce her.

I'll just put on my bike shorts and give her a glimpse of the quad cities.

No. No. That's not what I meant.

I meant we have to fight her.

We're not gonna fight her. She's the devil.

And you don't dance with the devil, because you get b*rned.

Also, because in Madeline's case, she has no rhythm and her hands are like little rat claws.

If she wants the case, it's hers.

For the record, you're turning this m*rder scene into a real bummer-scape.

Tell me you got that zinger.

Oh, the camera was in selfie mode again, but I was really laughing hard.

Okay.

Okay, kids, this is where my detective squad solves crimes.

Wow.

This is my desk.

You can tell by the framed 200-piece puzzle my three-year-olds put together on their own.

That's very advanced, Sergeant Jeffords.

Is it? I wouldn't know what milestones are impressive to a school admissions officer.

They can count to 20 in English and Mandarin.

Hi. Detective Santiago, magnet school alumna.

Well, I appreciate that you used the proper declension of alumnus.

Well, some say Latin is a dead language, but I say it's just taking a long nap.

[all laughing]

Gina: Okay, you two are obviously the alphas.

Let me guess.

You're dating the blond kid and you like Filipino Bieber but you're worried he's still into Little Miss Side Braid Janky Purse.

How did you know?

[chuckles] I know so much.

Hi, I'm Gina.

[chuckles] Hey.

[clears throat]

Hello, Raymond.

How do you like my new office? 20th floor.

Yes, I never thought I'd see you this high without a broom under you.

Enough niceties. Have a seat.

Thanks, but I'm actually fine standing.

I could stay in these bad boys all day.

So two members of the Fulton Street Four have been m*rder*d... sounds like a big case.

No, it's actually the opposite.

Pretty much an NBT sitch.

No big thang.

The word is "thing," and the thing is big.

We believe someone is after the missing $21 million, and solving this m*rder could lead us to the money.

Sure, but that money's, like, 25 years old.

It's probably not even good anymore.

[grunts] Sorry. Cramped up.

This is a very important case, Raymond, to me, and to the city of New York.

I'm not sure the Nine-Nine has the resources to deal with something of this magnitude.

I understand the politics.

This is a high-profile case.

Do what you must.

What I was going to say is, since you don't have the resources, I'll give you anything you need.

The case is yours. You have my full support.

What?

He meant that more excited. Like, "What!"

Okay, two of the Fulton Street Four are dead.

My hunch... one of them is k*lling off his co-scums so he can keep the money for his scum-self.

We'll start with Reggie Bludsoe.

He listed a Brooklyn address with his parole officer.

We're gonna nail this son of a bitch.

Unless he's innocent... then we're gonna save the son of a bitch.

Either way, this case is gonna be awesome.

Peralta, I'm putting myself on this investigation with you.

What? Why?

Wuntch is up to something.

There's only one reason why she would let us keep this case.

She took one look at me and said, "That's the guy I want flying my chopper."

You know how to fly a chopper?

How hard could it be?

It's just a big fan that goes in the sky.

She let us keep this case because she wants us to fail.

I'm coming along so that you don't waste time and resources turning this investigation into another Ron McClane movie.

Oh, you know it's John McClane.

I've made my decision. End of discussion.

All right, fine.

But you're gonna have to take your own car.

I signed out that drug dealer's Lamborghini from the impound.

It only has two seats.

I saw that you had made that request.

I changed it to a sensible sedan.

Okay, but the sunroof stays open.

There is no sunroof.

Why did you even become a cop?

Oh, great job, kids.

Don't solve too many crimes and put me out of business.

Terry's got to pay the rent. [laughs]

Dr. Susman wants a private chat with me.

Thanks for warming her up, Santiago.

They didn't give eighth grade Amy the key to the teacher's lounge just for nothing.

I stocked their fridge and cleaned up after them.

Great. So can you take over with the kids for a minute?

They're done with this activity.

Of course. I am amazing with kids.

[laughs nervously] Okay.

I am terrible with kids.

I haven't listened to rap music in three years.

I don't know the lingo. You have to do this.

I can't... McKenzie is in the bathroom right now freaking out because Kelsey S. Made out with Hayes even though she knows Brianna's into him.

So unless you want the spring dance to be a total drama fest, I have to be there for her.

Honestly, you should show them a picture of a dead body.

No! Rosa, Terry said to keep it kid-friendly.

Okay, I'll just show them the stuff that I was into when I was their age.

I'm done.

What do we do now?

What's next?

Hello, friends.

Who here would like to see a presentation about crime statistics as a function of demographics and time?

Who wants to see a picture of a dead body?

all: Me!

Bludsoe lives at the end of his hall.

Hmm... I would have preferred an abandoned lighthouse or a dilapidated barn, but I can embellish in my memoirs.

Oh, I can't wait to read that book.

What are you gonna call it?

[in gravelly voice] "Go Ahead, Jake My Day."

No, yours is much better.

"Case Closed, Jake Open."

Wow.

I know.

I said yours was better.

Whatever. Let's just do this.

[pounding]

NYPD. Open up.

[clock clicking open]

Hey, check it out.

Jake: Half-packed suitcase.

Looks like Bludsoe was planning a trip until he got interrupted by someone.

Or something.

Like what?

I don't know... I just thought it would help the intrigue.

It did.

That's enough chitchat already.

Come on, how many people have to get k*lled before you start having fun?

You do know it's our job to stop the k*lling, right?

Wait a second. [sniffs]

I think I smell a dead body.

[sniffs]

[clears throat] Nope. My mistake.

Wait! Don't close that.

Jake: Look. Handprint.

That's a fake wall.

NYPD.

Come out with your hands on your head.

Don't sh**t! Don't sh**t.

He's trying to k*ll me.

So I guess, if I had to sum them up, Cagney is the intellectual one, whereas Lacey is more of your traditional prodigy.

Well, your daughters sound great.

You know, I'm gonna look over their applications again.

Oh, no, that's not necessary.

It's Jeffords with two Fs.

But what really matters is that your students have an amazing experience here today.

They are.

Look, Rosa. Sarge is here.

Oh, my God.

[shrieking horror music]

Children, get out of this room immediately.

Dr. Susman: Let's go.

whispering angrily: What the hell, guys?

They're 12 years old.

I would've k*lled to have seen a bag of hands at that age.

I'm so sorry... I tired to be myself and they hated it.

Where were you?

Saving the day.

Hayes is out of the picture.

The McKenzie/Kelsey S. beef is squashed, and Brianna's going to the dance with Aidan, who's a much better match for her anyway, BT-dubs.

How does any of that help me?

Dr. Susman...

Good-bye, Sergeant Jeffords.

I think this experience has been more than enough for the children.

We're done here.

I was walking home from the coffee shop.

I have a job bussing tables there.

Anyway, the next thing I know, Mikey D has a g*n in my back.

Michael D'Angelo, the other member of the Fulton Street Four.

Yes, believe it or not, I familiarized myself with the names of all two suspects in this high-profile homicide we're investigating.

I fought him off, but he got my key.

What's the key for?

Each of us had one, and you needed all four to open the safe.

And what's in the safe?

The $21 million.

Bing... pot...

Nope... I was gonna say bingo, but then I was like, "Jackpot's better," but then it was too late; I was halfway through the word.

Bingpot works. It's taking off.

It's taking off.

Captain, D'Angelo has a place upstate.

The local sheriff says there's a car in the driveway right now.

He must be there.

Okay, they're gonna have to raid the place without us.

It'll take us two hours to get up there.

Or we could take...

We are not taking a helicopter.

You know I was gonna say chopper.

Look, Peralta, I know you're having fun, but a helicopter is exactly the kind of wasteful expenditure that Wuntch will use to bury me if something goes wrong.

Okay, sir...

Or...

It's the kind of thing she'll crucify me for not getting.

"You could've had a chopper, Raymond.

"Why didn't you take advantage?

Just a minute... my cauldron's boiling over."

Yeah, but what she actually said was, [in Boston accent] "Chopper's yours, Peralta."

Your impression was better.

What did you do?

She may have called me and I may have briefed her and she may have said yes to the chopper because it's definitely on its way right now!

I call middle seat!

Jake: Whoo!

This is awesome!

Okay, just so we're clear, from this point forward, my call sign will be Death Blade.

And I'll be Rum Tum Tugger.

No, Boyle. No characters from Cats.

Dig deep. Think of something scary.

Adolf h*tler.

No!

You will be... Sidewinder.

All right, but I'm more scared of h*tler.

How about you, Captain? What's your call sign?

I will be Captain Raymond Holt.

Uh-huh, I knew you wouldn't play ball.

And that is why your call sign is Wet Blanket.

Sidewinder, this is Death Blade.

Do you copy, Sidewinder? Over.

This is Sidewinder, Death Blade.

I read you loud and clear. Over.

Do you have a 20 on Wet Blanket, Sidewinder?

Over.

I do have a visual...

Over.

All right, look, Captain, Wuntch said that we could have anything we needed to solve this case.

Yes, but why?

To catch a m*rder*r who stole $21 million.

No, it's so that when we do fail, it'll be that much more spectacular.

If we don't get D'Angelo, my career is over.

But if we do catch him, your career will really take off.

Chopper pun!

Dr. Susman, I am so, so sorry.

Please don't hold this against my daughters.

I would never do that.

Preschool admissions are based on what we think of the parents.

Oh, no.

Dr. Susman...

Nancy, if I may...

You may not.

Okay.

Look, our methods may have been a little unorthodox, and perhaps a little...

Graphic and disgusting.

I was gonna go with yucky...

But these kids had fun today.

And they learned a lot.

Tricia, what's Luminol?

It's used to look for blood in a crime scene.

Even if a criminal tried to clean it up, the iron in blood makes the chemical glow.

And, Bobby, what's enucleation?

It's when someone pops your eyeball out.

Probably should've used a less gross example.

The point is, this is exactly the kind of educational experience I loved about my magnet school.

Well, there's something to be said for that.

Also, and more importantly, I got McKenzie and Brianna to stop hating on Kelsey S.

And now they're best friends... you're welcome.

Wow, that's actually impressive.

Thank you.

Terry: So, Dr. Susman, let's just call this field trip what it was... a huge success.

It was... interesting.

Bobby: I saw a prost*tute.

Not helping, kid.

[helicopter humming]

[upbeat hip-hop music]

♪ ♪

[slo-mo] I'm Death Blade.

♪ ♪

D'Angelo's place is just beyond those trees.

No one's gone in our out.

Good thing we got here in time.

Flew in on a chopper.

Bell 412 or the A119 Koala?

It's classified.

Actually, it was the 350B2.

Nice.

Jake whispering: No, don't give him the "nice."

We haven't seen any movement in the house, but there are lights on in the barn.

There's a barn?

What is your fascination with barns?

It's where all the awesome stand-offs happen... rusty farm equipment, light shining through b*llet holes.

I'll bet you at least one dove takes flight in slo-mo.

I will take that bet, because that's impossible.

We've got a team on the back entrance, a team watching the house, and a marksman on that hill.

Okay, tell your men if they find the money first, that I get to riffle it next to my ear and go, "It's all here."

Already told them, Jake.

Love you, bud.

All right, let's lock and load.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Dope.

[dove fluttering]

[startles]

[sighs]

Moved faster than I was expecting, but still cool.

I don't see him.

Oh, he's here.

I can feel it.

He is. He's dead.

What?

The body is right here.

Damn it! Bludsoe played us.

[groans]

Pick up, pick up, pick up.

Hello?

Hey, it's Peralta.

Is Bludsoe still in custody?

Yeah, we got him. He's in his...

Ooh.

[groans angrily]

[clears throat]

So... good news first.

We're gonna be flying back past a beautiful sunset.

Bad news... Bludsoe escaped from the hospital and we're all screwed.

[inhales angrily]

But... Pretty sunset.

Jake: Oh, man, look at the captain.

He's pacing slowly.

For him, that's like a full-on, rage-fueled freak out.

The only thing worse is when he stands perfectly still.

Oh, no, he's standing perfectly still.

Jake: All right, I'm gonna go talk to him.

Mm, no I'm not.

Yep, I am. No, I'm not gonna do it.

Okay, I am. I'm gonna go.

Okay. Be careful.

You're so brave.

Thanks.

Hey, Captain.

What you thinking about?

Mostly about how Madeline Wuntch will destroy me because you wanted a helicopter to play action movie.

I needed the helicopter because I was chasing a bad guy because I'm a cop.

Really? It wasn't just to make this case epic?

This case is epic.

You're just too wrapped up in the politics to see it.

Sir, we're tracking a triple m*rder*r who stole $21 million, and all you can think about is Madeline Wuntch.

[sighs]

You're right.

What's that now?

Before I came to the Nine-Nine, I was rotting away behind a desk in the public relations department.

All I wanted was the chance to do good police work again.

I just got it, and I blew it thinking about that devil toad.

I'm tired of politics.

Let's get that punk! Bludsoe.

[gasps] This is amazing.

Of course, we have no idea where he is, but I love where your head's at.

He has no family.

Maybe there was a girlfriend or someone he worked with at the coffee shop.

The coffee shop... why would someone who knows they have $21 million coming take a minimum wage job?

Because he needed access to that building.

Because that's where the money's hidden.

All right, we got to get there quick.

Maybe we should take the chopper.

[gasps] You said chopper.

Death Blade, Sidewinder, it's go time!

Roger that, Wet Blanket.

No, from now on, call me...

Velvet Thunder.

Okay.

Hey, Cagney and Lacey got off the wait list.

Thank you, guys, for helping me.

Rosa, I should've listened to you.

Yeah, everyone should listen to me all the time about everything.

It was pretty fun. The kids actually liked me.

I wish I could go back to middle school knowing what I know now.

I'd be so cool.

And I'd get to retake all the tests.

And update some book reports.

Oh, un, Gina, Dr. Susman said you had a real impact on those kids.

Apparently, you were just named Spring Dance Princess somehow.

Mm-hmm, what am I always telling you guys?

I'm royalty.

whispering: All right, listen up.

We go in strong and we go in fast.

Evans, you're on door breach.

Patterson... flashbang.

Boyle, stop squatting like that.

Sorry, I thought it looked cool.

It didn't.

On the count of three.

[bangs]

It's Bludsoe!

NYPD!

Go, go, go!

Facedown, flat on the ground!

[men shouting]

Hey, over here, over here.

[policeman shouting]

[door creaking]

Bingpot!

[cameras clicking]

This rules.

Did you know that my dream has always been to have my picture taken with a mountain of recovered cash?

And it's always been my dream to take that picture of you, Jake.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah!

$21 million, Raymond.

I have to admit, I'm impressed.

Sorry to disappoint you, Madeline.

I know you'd hoped we'd fail.

Oh, no, I couldn't be happier.

Wait... Why would you say that?

And why aren't you clenching your little rat hands in anger?

You didn't want me to fail.

You wanted me to succeed.

That's right.

I was looking for an excuse to promote you to a desk job, and you handed it to me on a silver platter with your little rat hands.

Oh, no.

Say good-bye to the Nine-Nine, Raymond.

I'm making you head of NYPD Public Relations.

Captain, get in here with me.

Go ahead. Smile for the cameras, Raymond.

That's your new job now.

[cameras clicking]

Hey!

Okay, quick, let's pose back-to-back with our arms crossed and a cocky smirk.

You doing it? Your arms crossed?

No, arms down. That's good.