02x01 - Peter, Peter, Caviar Eater

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is violence in movies and s*x on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Mother, this hot dog has been on my plate for a full minute... and it hasn't yet cut itself.

Honey, I'll be right there.

By all means, take your time.

When you do finally get around to it, I'll be the one covered in flies... with a belly that protrudes halfway to bloody Boston!

Mom, there is no way I'm sleeping in Chris' room this weekend!

It smells like old milk in there!

If I could find it, I'd clean it up!

Kids, keep it down.

I haven't even told your father that Aunt Marguerite is coming to visit.

Who said Marguerite? Peter, it's just for a week.

A week! No. Please, God, kill me now.

Damn, crap, damn it to hell, son of a...

Peter!

Lois, sometimes it's appropriate to swear.

Do you swear to tell the whole truth... and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

I do. You b*st*rd.

I love Aunt Marguerite.

Because if it wasn't for her, I never would've met you, Peter.

Aunt Marguerite, have you seen my towel?

Have the towel boy bring you another.

I don't want to bother him.

Nonsense, dear. You're a Pewterschmidt. Towel boy!

Hi, my name is towel. I have a Peter for you.

My name is Peter. I'll be your nipples... Towel boy!

Oh, jeez.

Okay, everyone.

Give Aunt Marguerite a big Griffin family welcome.

Aunt Marguerite!

Lois!

Oh, my God! She's dead!

Whoa! Be careful what you wish for, huh, Lois?

What if they bury her and she wakes up because she wasn't really dead... she was only sleeping?

Yeah. That's what happened to our big brother Jimmy.

That's why Mom and Dad adopted you.

What?

Peter, you remember Coco, my friend from Newport?

Peter, I almost didn't recognize you without a towel on your arm.

Lois, where are your parents? Don't tell me they're still on safari.

You know Daddy.

He won't rest until he kills something on every continent.

But I'm hoping they'll be back in time for Christmas.

It just wouldn't be Christmas without your parents.

I dropped my watch.

Would you be a sport and fetch it for me?

Sure thing, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Peter, we've got to put that out!

I'm telling you, Brian, nothing changes.

These bluebeards still treat me like scum 'cause I'm not loaded.

I got news for them. I'm as elegant as anyone in this room.

We have to meet with Aunt Marguerite's lawyer tomorrow.

She left us something in her will.

Holy crap! You sweet old broad, I love you!

Oh, my God. She's dead.

Madam Pewterschmidt's passing has saddened us all.

Yeah, it's a real tragedy.

What did we get? Come on, big money! No whammy! Stop!

Peter, please! I'm sorry. He's stricken with grief.

Before she passed, your aunt recorded a message for you.

Newport, Rhode lsland... home of New England's most elegant and historic estates... the Breakers, Rosecliff, and exquisite Cherrywood Manor... the palatial mansion of Marguerite Pewterschmidt.

Marguerite is a shining example of how people with a lot of money... are just plain better than everyone else.

Lois, you were always my favorite niece.

I just knew you'd find a wonderful man... who would make all your dreams come true.

But I was wrong.

And now you're dead. Score one for Peter.

It's time you started living like a Pewterschmidt.

That's why I'm giving you my summer home in Newport.

Cherrywood? That's so generous of Aunt Marguerite.

Our own summerhouse!

Now I feel bad for doing that thing with her toothbrush.

"We only live to kiss your ass"

Kiss it? We'll even wipe it for you.

"From here on in, it's Easy Street"

Any bars on that street?

24 happy hours a day.

Oh, boy.

"We'll stop Jehovahs at the gate"

Can I see that pamphlet, sir?

"My God, this house is freakin' sweet I make brunch, Clive cooks lunch each and every day Chocolate cake à la Blake Hundred bucks, Blake is gay We'll do the best we can with Meg"

Are you saying I'm ugly?

It doesn't matter, dear. You're rich now.

"We'll do your nails and rub your feet"

That's not necessary. Oh, my.

"We'll do your homework every night"

It's really hard.

That's why we got that Steven Hawking guy.

"My God, this house is freakin' sweet I used to pass lots of gas Lois ran away Now we've got 30 rooms Hello, beans, good-bye, spray We'd take a bullet just for you"

What a coincidence. I've got one.

Stewie!

"Prepare to suck that golden teat Now that you're stinking rich we'll gladly be your bitch My God, this house is freakin' sweet"

Welcome!

That's a wrap, people. Let's get the hell out of here.

Wait. Where are you going?

The old bag only paid us up through the song.

We can just pick up after ourselves.

After all, we'll only be here on weekends.

No, Lois.

It's time you started living like the Piece of Schmidt you are.

That's "Pewterschmidt"!

Wait, you guys.

You're all hired to be full-time Griffin servants.

Peter, where are we gonna get the money to pay all these people?

Simple. I sold our house in Quahog.

You sold our home?

Surprise!

Peter, how could you?

Whoops.

"I recognize that tone Tonight I sleep alone But still, this house is freakin' sweet"

Peter, how could you sell our house in Quahog without even asking me?

Honey, this is where you belong. You deserve a big house and nice stuff.

Like diamonds.

But I love our old house. You have to buy it back.

It's too late. Our stuff is packed.

It's on its way here.

Come on, Lois, you'll love living in Newport.

Sure, this house is big, but it's also very intimate.

Intimate.

So we're really gonna live here now?

That's right, honey.

I don't know, Peter.

Please, Mom. Look, there's a pool.

Yeah. And there's a chair.

The solarium is at the far end of the west wing.

Come play with us, Stewie, forever and ever and ever.

Yes. All work and no play makes Stewie a dull boy.

Across the hall from the library we have the billiard room.

And here we have the lounge.

Sweet Mary, mother of God! Jackpot!

What can I get you, sir?

We have 10 varieties of single malt scotch and a wine cellar with over 10,000 bottles.

Don't make me beg.

I did love spending time here when I was a kid.

All right, Mom!

Jonathan and I just returned from sailing our yacht around the world.

Funny sailing story.

A guy's on his boat, in the middle of the ocean... and he sees a little black dog.

This dog's been swimming for days, and he stinks like a dead otter.

Peter, maybe this isn't the place...

Hang on, Lois.

So the guy takes the dog into the vet.

The freakin' vet tells him, get this, "It's not a dog. It's a rat."

A big, stinking Mexican rat. True story.

Dad, that's just an urban legend.

Hand to God. I'm telling you, it was a huge freakin' rat.

Five times as big as that guy's steak.

Peter, that rat gets bigger every time you tell this story.

I got a million of them.

Like the time my buddy's sister's boss was drinking with a hooker in a Vegas bar.

Bam! Woke up without his kidney.

I can't believe they kicked me out of the yacht club.

I barely had time to stuff Lois' salmon in my jacket.

Face it, Peter. You have a knack for saying the wrong thing.

This sucks.

Lois' friend "yacht boy" and his lovely wife "Caca" invited us to some... hoity-toity auction tomorrow afternoon. I don't want to embarrass her again.

You gotta help me. Teach me how to be a gentleman.

Peter, it's not really that hard. Let's start with polite conversation.

For example, "It's a pleasure to see you again. Lovely weather we're having."

Now you try.

It's a pleasure to see you again.

After Hogan's Heroes, Bob Crane got his skull crushed in... by a friend who videotaped him having rough s*x.

How's that?

Wow, perfect. My work is done.

But just for the heck of it, let's try again.

More coffee, madam?

I can get that, Sebastian.

To tell you the truth, we're all a little uncomfortable being waited on.

Cut my egg!

Your eggs are cut, sir.

Cut my milk!

I can't, sir. It's liquid.

Imbecile! Freeze it, then cut it!

If you question me again, I'll put you on diaper detail.

And I promise, I won't make it easy for you!

Meg, you're gonna love Newport High. It has a beautiful campus.

Filled with beautiful people. And I'm gonna bag me a rich one.

Meg, that's a terrible thing to say.

You should marry someone you love. That's what I did.

And he got us kicked out of the yacht club.

You can't be mad at your father for being himself.

That's the reason I fell in love with him in the first place.

He was so different from everyone else.

Coco, the day I graduate from Harvard... I'm gonna carry you off into the sunset on a white horse.

It better be a stretch horse with leather seats and a chauffeur.

Isn't she a bit of terrific?

Kids, if you marry for love, your life will be filled with its own riches.

Money doesn't buy happiness.

I beg to differ.

You! Bring me The Wall Street Journal!

You two, fight to the death!

Okay, Peter, I was hoping I wouldn't have to resort to shock therapy... but your progress has been...

Who are we kidding? You haven't made any progress.

Now the left TV is tuned to Frasier. The right TV has Ricki Lake.

If you so much as glance at the right TV, I'm giving you 10,000 volts.

Got it.

You're so corpulent that when you sit around... the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa... you sit around the magnificently appointed Tuscan villa.

This is the smartest show on TV.

Yo, Ricki. That's my girlfriend. She ain't supposed to be having no pen1s!

Master Brian, do you really believe you can pass him off as a gentleman at the auction?

We've got a long road ahead. But I've worked miracles before.

And the Oscar goes to Marisa Tomei!

Peter was supposed to meet us here an hour ago.

I hope he didn't change his mind.

Maybe he's already here.

Maybe he's fitting in so well, we can't tell him from the other bluebloods.

I don't think we have to worry about that.

Lord Peter Lowenbrau Griffin the First.

Play me down the stairs, boys.

Good day.

Enchanté.

Pasta Fazul.

Looking good, fellas.

Brian, do you know anything about this?

Lois, please. I'm just a dog. A stupid dog.

Vodka stinger with a whiskey back. And step on it!

Peter, you're simply enchanting.

You must join us tomorrow for a game of baccarat.

Right baccarat at you.

Brian, what happened to Peter?

He's not cramming hors d'oeuvres in his mouth or asking anyone to pull his finger.

That's not the man I married.

So, I guess, technically, that makes you available.

What?

Lighten up, toots. It's a party.

Barkeep, it's like the damn Sahara over here!

How you doing, honey?


Welcome to the Historical Society Auction.

Our first item is a 17th-century gilded vessel.

We'll start the bidding at $140,000.

What a marvelous vessel.

It would look smashing in Lois's crapper. I mean "crapier".

You are so right.

Any woman would love to have that vase adorn her crapier.

Jonathan!

$140,000.

$150,000.

Brian, that sounded like Peter.

Come here, you!

$160,000.

$170,000.

$180,000.

$190,000.

$200,000.

We have a new record for the Historical Society!

The vessel goes to...

$100 million!

To Mr. Peter Griffin for an astonishing $100 million!

"Money, money, money"

Peter, we had no idea you were such a philanthropist.

It's a fabulous vase, Peter, darling.

Do you collect objets d'art?

If that's French for "Star Wars collectors glasses," then si.

Mr. Griffin, you're the most generous man since Ted Turner.

I'd like to announce I'm giving a gift the whole world can appreciate.

I've colorized the moon.

Peter, you don't have $100 million!

Of course I do, my dear.

Now, would that be cash or check?

Drop by Cherrywood this evening.

I'll have the money wired to me from my Swiss bank account.

Very good, sir.

You don't have a Swiss bank account!

Right.

My lawyer's advised me to keep some of my assets a secret... in case things don't work out.

I'm going home. Where's Brian?

I told this blonde inside I got a 500SL. Can you help me out?

I'm sorry. But I've made my decision.

We're moving back to Quahog as soon as we can get packed.

Quahog, that one-horse town?

Shut up. No, you shut up.

No, you shut up. You're the one talking.

There's no one else here. Everybody just shut up!

What's that? The wind!

A pox on Quahog!

Easy!

If I ever go back to Quahog, it'll be just so I can poke poor people with a stick!

Bon Jovi, everyone.

Now I remember why I left Newport!

It changes people. You kids have lost your values.

You've lost your mind! And I don't much care for Stewie's new friends.

The Pacific Rim economy is still a tad shaky for my taste.

Stop it!

You can't become a bloody fiscal hermit crab... every time the Nikkei undergoes a correction!

Asia's market has nowhere to go but up!

Interesting.

Indeed.

I wish we'd never come here in the first place.

Go buy yourself some more money.

Hey, old bean.

What are you doing with my Star Wars glass?

Illustrating a point.

Peter, when Han Solo took the Millennium Falcon to Cloud City... he saw that Lando Calrissian... had turned control of the station over to Darth Vader.

Lando had forgotten who he was.

It was only after Han was encased in carbonite... and taken by Boba Fett to Jabba's palace... that he was able to see the error of his ways.

Look inside yourself.

You're not a Newport millionaire. I created you.

In a way, I am your father.

That's not true! That's impossible.

Damn it, Peter! Snap out of it!

No!

I just had the craziest dream where I bought a $100 million vase.

A Mr. Brandywine from the Historical Society is at the front gate.

He'll be here in half an hour.

That wasn't a dream. He's here for the money.

Brian, I'm screwed.

If I welsh on that debt, I'm gonna prove to everyone... that I'm not good enough for Lois.

If I only had something worth that much money.

I never should've dropped Joe Green's jersey.

Good game, Mean Joe. You want some of my Coke?

Hey, kid. Catch.

Wow. Thanks, Mean Joe.

What about this house?

I could give him the house and call it even.

Cherrywood isn't worth $100 million.

Brian, it's the Historical Society. We just gotta convince him that... $100 million worth of history happened here.

So you're saying that Jesus carved his name into this mantle... 51 years before he was born.

Yeah. He's Jesus. He can do anything. And look over here.

That's where the market crashed. Mr. Griffin!

You can't take a step in this house without uncovering something historical.

Wait a second.

Could that be Harriet Tubman's secret underground railroad?

It is! Go, Freedom Train!

I've seen enough.

I happen to know that nothing of historical significance ever occurred here.

Please, have our money ready by tomorrow. Good day!

Wait!

Look, this is where the Pilgrims landed at Fraggle Rock!

Excuse me, Lord Griffin.

Your family is going back to Quahog.

If you get tired of being a snob, look us up.

Lord Griffin is dead. It's just me, Peter the towel boy.

Peter, you're back! Let's go home!

We can't. I sold our home.

Our beautiful home with the stolen cable... and the man with the pen1s for a light switch.

We'll find another place.

Your Aunt Marguerite is laughing at me while she's burning in Hell... may she rest in peace.

She was right. Everyone was right.

I'm not good enough for you.

Peter, I don't care what anyone else thinks. All that matters is that I love you.

I love you, too, Lois.

Lois, our problems are over!

Our mansion is historical, all right.

Cherrywood was America's first presidential whorehouse!

See, there's Lincoln, Grant, Robert E. Lee.

Those are fake!

They're real. And, FYI, Lincoln had the jungle fever.

So you see, Chubby Franklin lived across the street.

Chubby Franklin would always make a face like this.

Dad, you're not listening. I have a serious problem.

I got a girl pregnant. What do I do?

And when we saw Chubby Franklin make his face, we would all make this face.

Oh, God!

Dad, you never did tell us how you got our house back.

Simple. I just offered the people I sold it to double what they paid.

What? But how could you afford that?

I kept one of those Lincoln pictures and held a little auction of my own.

Thanks to old Honest Abe we have our house back and I learned a valuable lesson.

It doesn't matter if your family doesn't think I'm good enough for you.

That's right, because all that's important is that I love you.

No, because your ancestors were nothing but a bunch of pimps and whores.