03x06 - Death Lives

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ is v*olence in movies and sex on TV. ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ on which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy. ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ all the things that make us ♪
♪ laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

A tragic accident in the Providence area.

A family lost their lives when they swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact.

Do you find this funny, Tom?

Oh, no.

I was remembering I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning.

It's fine now, though. So what were you saying? A fashion show?

Turn the TV off. We gotta find an anniversary gift for Mom and Dad.

Don't look! We're shopping! We're shopping!

Kids, you don't need to do anything special for our anniversary. Just your father.

I hope he doesn't get you a gift at the last minute again.

My goodness. A human thumb. Where did you ever find this?

It was on e-bay. Oh, God! Call an ambulance!

This year, instead of exchanging gifts, I told him it'd be nice if we could spend a romantic day together.

Oh, dear. I think we all know what that means. Boi-oi-oi-oiing. Gross.

Hey, fellas. I got us a tee time tomorrow at Barrington Country Club.

Barrington? Wow.

I'm in.

Peter, tomorrow's your anniversary.

Oh, crap!

If Lois finds out I'm ditching her, she'll hit me with a frying pan.

Which is why I'm gonna drink this frying pan antidote.

All right, hit me with this. Didn't work.

What the hell? "Lois, it's an anniversary scavenger hunt. "

"Your first clue is at the Quahog Mini-Mart. Love, Peter. " Oh, how fun!

Before you tee off, here are your complimentary monogrammed bag towels, a sleeve of balls, and this mobile ball cleaner.

Clean as a whistle, sir.

I won't get short by touching your spit?

You'd be the first, champ.

It's about time.

Sorry, fellas. I'm not gonna be able to play.

Loretta's mother is in town and we have to go buy new sheets for the dog bed.

Cleveland!

I mean the pull-out sofa bed.

You could be the first black guy to play this course. People are gonna be impressed.

Hey, a black guy.

Ooh, fun.

Come on.

Maybe we should play another time.

Screw that. I busted my ass keeping Lois busy so I could be here. Grip it and rip it.

The fed will be lowering rates, so get your money out of T-bills and put it all into...

Waffles! Tasty waffles with lots of syrup!

Waffles! Buy waffles!

Waffles! Waffles! Waffles!

Waffle! Waffle! Waffle! Waffle!

OK, kids, keep your eyes peeled for a clue.

What Jughead has done here - and it's quite ingenious actually - is paint pupils on his eyelids so he can sleep through class without Miss Grundy being any the wiser.

He's sleeping.

Mom, I found Dad's first clue.

I can't believe your father organised this.

Usually he can't even handle simple tasks.

Peter, why is there a diaper in the lamp socket?

Lois, he's done it again! Wait a minute.

Ha!

Let's pack it in. There's too much water.

Let's hit the bar.

Oh, come on. There's worse things in life than rain. Like... like spiders.

He's behind the door!

Peter, he's bothering everyone. Say something.

I'll kick his ass. Someone ought to kick his ass.

Don't go in there!

Peter!

All right, all right. Give me a Kleenex.

I knew he was bad. I knew it... Aah!

Out of me way! They're after me Lucky Charms!

I paid him ten bucks to say it. Classic.

We'll be in the clubhouse.

Go on, run away. More golf course for me.

That was close. That looks dangerous. Somebody's gonna get hurt.

Ah, it'll be fine.

You again?!

Death, please don't take me now.

Relax. You're not dying.

You're having a near-death experience.

Thank God!

Oh, yeah. Thank God I get to hang out with a fascinating gent like yourself.

So, when am I gonna die?

Two years after your wife divorces you.

What are you talking about? Lois would never leave me.

She's been crazy about me since the night we met.

Oh, my God, that's me! Look how thin I was!

My, this is certainly a beautiful night. I love looking at stars.

Say no more.

Peter, wait. I...

Very interesting... but stupid.

Oh, my God! I love Arte Johnson!

Then why don't you give him a kiss, huh?

No. Peter, get away from me with that.

Come on. Give Arte Johnson a kiss.

Peter, stop it. I mean it!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

Oh, Peter, I hear music.

Yeah, me too. From now on, this'll be our song.

Ow!

I've never met a guy like you. You're so full of life.

It's like I can really be myself with you. I'm so happy.

Oh, man, she was beautiful.

This looks awfully familiar.

Wait a second. I remember this.

That's me! Look at all that hair.

I can't believe I thought that looked good. I must've been high.

I love you, Lois Pewterschmidt.

I love you, Peter Griffin.

Look at that. Huh? Huh? There's no way she's gonna leave me.

Now put me back in my freakin' body.

I can't until you have a revelation. One of those things that changes your life.

The hell with this. I'm going home.

You can't get in that way.

I'm sure as hell not going in the back door.

Oh, crap. I don't have time for this. Listen, I'm late for an appointment.

If you don't want to follow procedure, fine. Stay in limbo.

No, no, wait, wait. I don't want to be in limbo.

OK. It says the next note will be right under my nose.

They're off!

And quick out in front, Silver Dasher, followed by My Nose!

Aha! Hold my purse!

What's Mom doing?

She's screwing up my six-two quinella.

My Nose out in front, followed by Sea Biscuit, followed by Some Crazy Lady and Middle-Aged Housewife, followed by Wait a Minute, Who's That and Silver Dasher.

And now it appears there's a woman chasing the dogs.

Let's go, kids!

Tell the boys in Kansas City the bet's off.

Too late, Stewie. The fix is in and the noodles are boiling in the pot.

Wait, I got it. I figured out my revelation.

God loves a working man.

No!

The Shadow is in reality Lamont Cranston, wealthy young man.

No! Oh, crap! I'm late. I'm in big, big trouble!

You're shook up about that appointment. You're Death. What are you afraid of?

Where the hell have you been? When I said lunch, I said noon, not noonish.

Sorry, Ma.

Is sorry gonna reheat the casserole?

So, who's your friend?

It's a work thing. Near-death experience.

Where are you going?

To take a leak.

Don't forget to zip up your fly. If you don't zip up your fly, a seagull will get ya!

God, she's a pain in the ass! I wish Dad was still dead.

Oh, yeah. I'll tell you, Lois's dad was a pain in the ass when I met him.

Hi. Can I take my tie off yet?

Oh, Peter, you look so wonderful.

You aren't nervous, are you?

You'll know when I'm nervous.

Lois?

Now.

Take the rap for this. I only get one chance to make a first impression.

Hi, Daddy. That was me. And this is Peter.

Hey, Mr Pewterschmidt. What are you feeding this gal?

Peter Griffin. Can I take this tie off?

It's a pleasure. My daughter is taken with you.

And I'm taken with her. I mean, look at her. Huh? Show us front and back there, Lois.

Don't think I don't know where that comes from.

That's world-class juice you got brewing in the old flesh balloon.

Eh? Eh? Oh, yeah.

I'm gonna go get my purse.

Based on what you've seen with your wife, what can we expect in terms of droopage?

Are we talking a slope or full-blown fried eggs hanging on a nail?

What do you think of this?

It's nice.

It's Etruscan.

Get out of here.

No, seriously.

Oh, that's great.

Hey, look. A manatee!

We can use it for soup.

Ensign Glen Quagmire. Welcome aboard. You picked a great day to get rescued.

We were just about to sing a song about mopping.

"We're mopping the deck Which is Navy for "floor"

"And when we're done mopping We'll mop it some more Oh!

" Swab means mop, deck means floor...

Could you tell me when you're going back in time?

I was talking to a robe for 20 minutes before I realised you weren't in it.

Ma, for God's sake, leave me alone! I'm working!

Don't yell at your mother! If you yell at your mother, a hen will lay eggs in your tummy.

Brilliantly choreographed.

That's your tax dollars at work.

Why not join us and see the world?

Sorry, pal. I've seen the world, and its name is Lois.

How romantic. Why can't you find a nice girl?

Ma, she's gonna dump him.

At least he got that far.

You know who he took to the prom? His cousin!

That's weak.

Yeah.

All right. All right, that's it! I'm sick of both of you. Come on, Peter.

Death, put your jacket on or you'll get frostbite!

I don't have skin!

That's cos you didn't eat your beans!

Come on, come on. Get back in your big, fat body.

Why should I help you save your marriage when I can't get a girl?

Whoa, wait! What are you saying?

The revelation, jackass! It could have helped you save your marriage.

But too late. Oh, and by the way, when the lightning hit you, you soiled yourself. Enjoy.

Wait, wait. I can't lose Lois! Please, I'll do anything.

What if... what if I helped you get a girl?

Really? You think you could do that?

All we gotta do is get you fixed up. Get your hair cut, give you a good, clean... shave, cologne... Chicks'll be all over you.

Gee! You really think so?

Absolutely.

You got any SPF-50? I bleach like a gym sock.

Death, will you relax? The beach is a perfect place to pick up chicks.

Now, I want you to go over there and ask those girls if you can play.

Hey, can I join you?

I guess. What's your name?

Josh.

Do you, like, live around here?

No. I... I live with my mom.

Let's get out of here See ya, Josh. Tell your mom we said hi.

Heads up!

How do we get up there? Dad put grease on the pole.

Don't worry. We've been studying fulcrums in school.

You have to counterbalance the weight at the point where the lever pivots. Like so.

Stewie, you wanna play rocket ship?

What the deuce?

Blast off! Go on. Get the note for Mommy.

How dare you use me for your own personal selfish... Hmm.

Oh. Pull slower. I must remember to do this game when no one's around.

What was I thinking? You don't know anything about picking up chicks.

Are you kidding? I learned from the best.

Come on, buddy. We're dropping anchor in Jamaica!

Great! We're closer to Rhode lsland.

Rhode lsland? Forget that.

I'm taking you out for shore leave.

Does this look like a "Q" to you?

No.

How about now?

Your crotch just looks like Lois to me.

Let's ask her then. Lois, should Peter sit around and mope all night?

Or should Peter go out with his buddy and have some fun?

All right!

That one's a feminist type, she's into he-men, and that one's mad for jazz. Watch this.

The plight of women is deplorable. I can bench-press 800 pounds.

You, me and Coltrane till dawn.

There you go, Peter. One for you, two for me.

You guys go on without me.

So why didn't you go with them?

You don't know what it's like in love.

Oh, yeah? Her name's Amy. She works at a pet store.

I met her last summer when her dad hung himself. I was too shy to ask her out.

What's with that moustache?

Let me see that.

Sorry. That's Edward James Olmos. Here, this is her.

Nice ass.

Sorry. That's Edward James Olmos's ass.

I guess I don't have a photo. Trust me, she's cute.

Let's go get her.

I'll need that picture of Olmos's ass back.

Oh, yeah.

Mom, hurry! I can't stand the smell!

I found the note! "Go back to the mini-mart"?

This isn't very creative. Let's go, kids.

Mom, you remember that goldfish we flushed down the toilet?

He wasn't dead.

There she is. That's her.

All right, go on. Just like we practised.

Hey, you.

Hi. I was just, uh... uh... in... in... I was just in the neighbourhood and...

So I thought that, uh... So... You...

I'll, uh... This is a bad time.

Maybe I'll just come back.

Who am I kidding? I'll never get her.

Not with that attitude. Come on!

Robert Reed got Florence Henderson and he was a burgermeister.

You gotta find a way to make it happen.

So long. I hope you find your girl.

Thanks, Quagmire. Hope you live next door to me someday.

Hey, does this look like a "Q" to you?

How about now?

So, where is it that you need to go, my new h*nky friend?

Rhode lsland. That's not too far, is it?

Nothing's too far away from Maxine, the cheatin' queen. Women.

That's not fair. I'm just speaking out of hurt.

That truck's coming up on us awful fast.

Holy crap! Do you see what I see?

I'm afraid I do.

We're being chased by ghosts!

You went through all this to see your girl?

I sure did, and I'm a fat idiot. What's your excuse, you big chicken?

Chicken? You take that back!

Yeah? Make me!

I don't make monkeys, I train 'em.

Oh! Holy crap! I'm sorry. Did that hurt?

No. But this will!

Aah! Aah! You bastard!

What the hell is going on out here?

Actually, I, uh... I, uh...

Actually, he wanted to ask you something.

Wanna go somewhere and grab a coffee?

Sure. I get off at two.

Great! Great! I'll meet you here.

You did it! All right! Hey, who knows? You might even, you know...

I'm not following you.

Intercourse.

What are you doing here?

Loretta's mom was hankering for a snack, so we had to pick her up some Kibbles 'n Bits.

Cleveland!

I mean Cheez-its.

Did Peter give you a clue for me?

Peter?

He's at Barrington with Brian and Quagmire.

He's golfing? On our anniversary?!

Oh, boy. You just put Peter in the doghouse, which is where your mother...

Don't say it!

Your mother smells.

See, this is why I hate clothes shopping. I have no ass. I'm minus an ass.

You're trying too hard. She won't care what you wear.

She's just gonna be glad to see you. That's how it was with Lois.

Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God!

Hi, Mr Pewterschmidt.

What are you doing here?

It's a long story - with terrific performances and a wonderful scene in a carnival.

I'll cut to the ending. I want to marry Lois!

Out of the question! Now, listen, Griffin.

I want you to take this and stay away from my daughter for ever.

A million dollars?

A million dollars.

No deal. Lois may be worth a million to you, but to me, she's worthless.

I love her, Mr Pewterschmidt.

Oh, Peter!

Holy crap! Back then I gave up a million bucks just to be with Lois.

Now I won't even miss a golf game to spend our anniversary together.

No wonder she's gonna dump me.

Or is she?

Wait a minute. That's my revelation. I gotta pay more attention to my wife!

Eureka. Now, come on back to the golf course. I've got a date.

Death, wait, wait, wait. Before we go, I need you to do me one more favour.

Peter. Peter Frampton.

Oh, no! God, please no! I'm too young to die!

Sure you're not supposed to get Keith Richards?

All right. If you want to live, come with me. And bring your guitar.

And bring that thing you use to make it go wah... wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.

Hey! Get out of the way!

Damn. How could he lie to me on our anniversary?

Oh, Peter. Our song.

Happy anniversary, Lois.

This is the most romantic gift you've ever given me. How did you put this together?

I had a little help... from a very special friend.

I like animals.

Uh-huh.

Cos they're like people, little furry people.

Yeah... Hey, you ever go on the lnternet?

They got some cool stuff there on that lnternet.

I bought these shoes from a company on the lnternet, cos they don't test on animals.

Wow.

You know, animals never have w*r. w*r is an invention of mankind.

What the hell are you talking about? Animals fight all the time!

Not with nuclear arms. You can't hug your children with nuclear arms.

Check, please.