09x05 - Baby, You Knock Me Out

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

♪ Family Guy 9x05 ♪
Baby, You Knock Me Out
Original Air Date on November 14, 2010

(Peter giggling)

(Peter guffawing)

Lois: Peter, what the hell are you doing?

I can't sleep, Lois.

I'm too excited for my birthday tomorrow.

(giggling) Yeah!

Peter, would you get in the damn bed?

I'm gonna have the best birthday party ever.

I gave out all my invitations yesterday.

Hey, Chris, um, I was wondering if you'd like to come to my party tomorrow.

Thanks, Dad. I'd love to--

Oh no! M-E-G.

Hey.

What are you guys talking about?

Uh, nothing. Sports!

Birthday sports! No, just sports!

Oh. Okay.

Meg, you're not invited to my party.

Happy birthday, sweetheart.

Why don't you open your presents while I cut the cake?

Whoa!

What planet is this?!

It's not a pla-- Peter, it's Earth.

It's a globe.

You use it to learn where the countries are.

You gave me an educational toy?

What do you say to Mr. Swanson?

(groans) Thank you.

Hey, Dad. This came in the mail for you.

A card?

Oh, look, it's one of those cards where you can record your own message.

Come on! Open it up.

Cleveland (on recording): Hi, Peter!

Happy birthday.

Just wanted to send our wishes from Virginia.

Bye!

Okay, Donna, I'm done.

I'm gonna go mail this card.

(door opens)

(footfalls)

(car door closes, engine starts)

(radio turns on, "Mmmbop" plays)

Cleveland (singing along): ♪ Mmmbop, ba duba dop ba ♪
♪ Boom bop, ba dubie dop ba boom bop ♪
♪ Dubie dop ba boom bop ♪
♪ Oh yeah ♪
♪ Mmmbop, bi bada bop boom bop ♪

(police siren wails)

Oh, (bleep).

Afternoon, Officer.

Officer: Any idea how fast you were goin'?

Cleveland: Uh, no, sir.

Officer: You gettin' smart with me, boy?

Where'd you get them wheels?

Cleveland: Aw, come on, man.

Officer: Step out of the car.

Cleveland: But I ain't done nothin'.

Officer: Hands behind your back.

Cleveland: Hey, easy, watch it!

Officer: Come on. Don't you fight me, boy!

Get down on the ground!

Cleveland: Come on! No!

(running footsteps)

Officer: Hey! Get back here!

(g*nsh*t)

Cleveland: Aah! My arm!

(running footsteps, Cleveland panting)

This looks like a safe place to rest.

(dogs barking)

Officer: I think he went this way!

Peter, close the card.

Yeah, I'm sure he's fine.

(Cleveland screaming, sh*ts f*ring)

Here, Peter, why don't you open my gift?

Ooh, Zales!

Eh, it's just the box, Peter.

Tickets to "Foxy Boxing"?

Yeah, it's this cool thing where girls in bikinis box each other.

We're all going Saturday night!

(bell clangs)

Man, would you look at that?

Two smokin' hot chicks repeatedly striking each other.

Yeah, it reminds me of Thanksgiving.

Why does it remind you of Thanksgiving?

'Cause this is where I come for Thanksgiving.

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

We've reached that part of the evening when our house champion takes on all challengers.

Any of you lovely ladies like to try your hand in the ring?

Hey, Lois, what do you think?

You want to fight that lady's boobs?

What? No. I'm not fighting anyone.

Oh. Well, good thing I made this plaster mold of your hand and forearm.

Hey, buddy! Over here!

I see a woman's hand and forearm at table eight!

Damn it, Peter!

Please, Lois! Come on, you got to fight her!

It's gonna be great! Come on, Lois!

Get in there, take her down!

Come on! It'll be awesome!

I'd really like to see that.

(sighs) All right, all right.

If it'll shut you all up, I'll do it.

(bell clangs)

All right, so how does this work?

We gonna pretend to hit each other for a while, then maybe kiss a little? Huh?

(laughing)

I'm terrible.

Hey, watch it.

That was pretty hard.

No, it wasn't. Try this one.

Stop that, young lady.

I'm just out here for fun--

Peter: Yeah, punch each other, you whores!

Okay, you little bitch, that's it!

You want to (bleep) with me?!

Let's go!

No matter what you do for the rest of your life, you'll always be garbage.

(crowd cheering)

Oh, my God!

I didn't know Lois had that in her.

Hey, is that your wife?

You bet that's my wife.

Well, I got to say, she's a natural.

You know, she could make some serious money as a professional.

Wow, you-you really think so?

Oh, sure. Women's boxing is a rapidly growing part of the field.

You should consider your wife competing for a belt.

Well, she did look like she knew what she was doin' up there.

Think about it. Here's my card.

(chuckles) What can I say?

I really like watching her box.

That means two things.

Hey, Lois, congrats on winning that boxing match last night.

I saw your picture in The Daily Growl.

Brian, The Daily Growl is not a real paper.

What? Yeah, it is.

(squeaking)

(laughing) I like that sound.

(squeaking)

Mom, since when are you a boxer?

I'm not, honey.

Honestly, I don't know what came over me last night.

It was just one of those crazy things that sort of happened after a few drinks.

Morning, everyone!

Morning, champ! Ya feelin' loose today?

Peter, what are you doing?

What is all this?

I'm a fight promoter now.

And I got you another fight.

You're boxing tonight at the Quahog Civic Center.

Are you out of your mind?

No, Peter. That was a one-time thing, all right?

I am not a boxer, and I'm not fighting anyone else.

And that's final.

All right, well, how about this, then?

I'll take you somewhere real fancy and romantic for dinner, just the two of us.

And in return, I get to try and convince you to fight.

Well, going out for dinner would be nice.

But I'm not changing my mind.

Oh, gosh, I can't wait to see this fancy restaurant.

Oh, you're gonna love it, Lois.

Here, put on these special eating gloves I bought you.

Why do I need to wear gloves to eat in a fancy restaurant?

'Cause it's so fancy that-that...

You know what? I'm tired of this.

I booked you a boxing match.

Son of a bitch!

Damn it, Peter. I told you, I don't want to be a boxer!

Who the hell do you think you are?!

There you go! Use that anger!

Hey, remember when I said I think it's hot when you wear a sports bra and gym shorts underneath your dress?

Yeah?

Now, put these shoes on.

Stop it, you jackass!

I told you, I'm not fighting!

I'm sorry, there's been a terrible mistake.

My idiot husband here booked this match without my knowledge--

(bell clangs)

Peter: She's from the Ukraine, Lois!

She doesn't speak English!

All right.

(Lois speaking in Ukranian dialect)

Peter: She's from the other part of the Ukraine!

It's a different dialect!

One, two, three.

Hey! Whatcha doin' down there, Lois?

Aw, what's the matter?

Mad at little old me?

In your imagination, I've got long eyelashes.

(growling)

(panting)

One! Two! Three!

Did you know where the Ukraine was 'cause of my globe?

No, I saw it in a book.

You knew 'cause of my globe, you d*ck.

Eight! Nine! Ten!

We have a winner!

(crowd cheering)

Well, what do you think of that, Lois?

You still mad at me now?

Peter! I feel great!

I've never felt so in control.

I know the feeling.

It's how I feel when I burp really loud in an underground parking structure to assert my dominance.

(belches, belch echoes)

Says the king.

All right, kids, I'm off to train at the gym.

Geez, Lois, you're really taking this seriously, huh?

Well, yeah, Brian, why wouldn't I?

I don't know, you've just never really been the aggressive type.

I mean, you're usually so measured and collected.

I know, Brian, but when I stepped into that ring--

I don't know. Something happened to me.

It's like I tapped into this primal wellspring of pent-up anger that just needed to be released.

Really? What do you have to be angry about?

Where are my flapjacks?!

Huh?

You will recall, last night, ere I drifted off into slumber with a nudie magazine betwixt my legs, I spake thusly: "Lois, tomorrow morning, I want flapjacks."

It was a simple message, yet it has gone unheeded.

(low growl)

All right, Peter, give me a minute.

For every five seconds I do not have flapjacks, I shall break one window.

Uh-huh.

Look, Lois, it just seems to me that this isn't necessarily the healthiest thing for a woman your age to be doing.

(glass breaking)

Brian, I'm 42, I'm in the prime of my life, and this is what I want right now.

You're sure about that?

(glass breaking)

Meg, go make your father some flapjacks.

(sighs) Okay, Mom.

(glass breaking)

Peter: This is crazy!

Is nobody really making me flapjacks yet?

At this point, you guys are being as irresponsible as I am!

("Gonna Fly Now" playing)

♪ ♪
♪ Gonna fly now ♪
♪ Flying high now ♪
♪ Gonna fly ♪
♪ Fly... fly! ♪

(punch cracks)

(gasps) Ow!

Well, it's broken, all right.

Well, you got to fix her, Doc.

There's a big fight coming up.

She's got to defend her title.

Look, Peter, I don't think there's gonna be any fight.

What are you talking about?

Look at me. I got a broken nose.

I think this is a sign that maybe it's time to hang up the gloves.

What are you, out of your mind?

Whoa, don't you give me that attitude, Peter.

Look, Lois, we're making a lot of cash with this boxing thing.

And I need money for bourbon and anime.

(slurring): Well, I just can't understand any of this.

Everybody in Japan is either a ten-year-old girl or a monster.

I don't care about the money, Peter!

I don't care about boxing!

The only reason I did this in the first place was 'cause of you! What do you mean?

Peter, sometimes you're so insensitive, and you make me so angry, I just want to clock you in the jaw.

Obviously, I can't do that, so boxing was an outlet.

Wait, you mean the reason you fight so good is...

Yeah, 'cause I'm making believe I'm fighting you!

Wow. Am I that much of a bastard?

Sometimes, yes.

Geez, Lois, I'm sorry.

I-I... I mean, I don't mean to be, I just...

Look, if you don't want to fight anymore, you don't have to.

Well, good.

A-And the truth is, I suppose I kind of got most of it out of my system anyway.

Oh, I love you, Lois.

I love you, too, Peter.

Is it cool if I tell your insurance that I gave you heart surgery?

Ladies and gentlemen, in honor of her retirement after 17 consecutive victories, I hereby dedicate this statue to Quahog's greatest fighter, Lois Griffin!

(whistling, whooping)

I'm also having a celebratory keg party back at my house later.

You can tell your parents that my parents will be there.

(chuckles) But they won't be.

(cheering)

And now a few words from Lois Griffin herself.

Thank you so much for coming, everyone, and thank you for always cheering me on at all my fights.

Woman: Hey, Griffin!

Oh, my God, that's Deirdre Jackson! Who's that?

Only the deadliest fighter in all of women's boxing.

She's k*lled three people in the ring.

Brian: Her fists are so dangerous, she's not allowed to be a lesbian.

I know why you're retiring, Griffin!

You're scared!

Scared? Of what?

Of me! Look at these people, giving you a statue for fighting a bunch of bums!

If you're so great, why don't you prove it? Fight me!

Look, I don't need to prove anything.

I'm retired, and that's the way it's gonna stay.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, man, you want a real woman?

Why don't you bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real woman.

Oh, I'm ashamed!

Hey, that's my husband you're talking to!

Yeah? Well, what are you gonna do about it?

You gonna fight me?

Look, I already said...

Get down on your hands and knees, fatty!

Yeah! Yes, sir!

Look at me, Griffin-- I'm milking me a cow!

Moo for me!

Moo. Louder!

Moo! Louder!

Moo...! Louder!

(sobbing): Moo...!

All right, that's it!

You want a fight, you got one!

Now, you get your hands off my man before I break 'em off!

(bleep)! It's my parents!

The party's off, everybody!

Get the (bleep) out of here!

Good evening. I'm Tom Tucker.

Coming up next, a boxing match where the fighters are bleeding before the fight?

We've got exclusive coverage of tonight's women's boxing bout, Griffin versus Jackson.

We're here live with contender Deirdre Jackson outside her dressing room.

Deirdre, is it true you've k*lled three women in the ring?

Tonight it's gonna be four.

Are you saying you intend to k*ll your opponent?

Let's just say you don't want to miss round six.

(gasps) Lois, you can't go out tre!

What? Why not? Because if you step into that ring, she's gonna k*ll you.

No, she's not, Peter.

What the hell kind of talk is that?

Now, I'm gonna win this thing.

Look, Lois, you don't have to do this for me.

I know I make you mad sometimes, but I thought we agreed you'd hang up the gloves.

I'll hang up the gloves after I knock her ass out.

Peter, she milked your boobs, and there were a lot of people I knew there.

Now, let's go.

Man: Butt scratcher!

Get your butt scratcher here!

Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm gonna be joined by a horribly d*sfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout.

Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?

Uh, I-I think that they're... they're gonna have, they are gonna be fightin' Deirdre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be bet-better than usually.

And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?

Well, the match lastin' the bout up until the particular inaccuracy, particular unusually that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, the heart of a champion margarine hat.

Well, we'll be watching for that.

We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd.

And happy 23rd birthday.

You're welcome.

Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please?

Introducing tonight's fighters.

In this corner, weighing in at 134 pounds, the top-ranked boxer in all of Rhode lsland, Deirdre "Action" Jackson!

(crowd jeering)

I think every Italian in Quahog is here.

Yeah! Go, white girl!

Hey, yo, you're gettin' your grinder on my grinder!

And in this corner, weighing in at 130 pounds, it's the Ovarian Barbarian and the Breast of All Time, let's put our hands together for Quahog's own...

Lois Griffin!

(crowd cheering, whistling, whooping)

Okay, here's the rules.

No hitting below the belt, no rabbit punches, no name calling, no making trouble for unconventional couples who want to adopt babies, 'cause you know what, they ain't gettin' the good babies, anyways.

Okay, have a fun fight.

Ding, ding.

(bell clangs)

You think you're tough?

Well, let's see what you got!

(punches cracking)

(punches smacking)

(punches cracking)

(punches cracking, thudding)

Wow, she's really hitting Mom hard.

Good.

(bell clangs)

(panting)

How you feeling, Lois?

(gasping): She... she's too str... she's too strong, Joe.

I don't stand a chance out there.

All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good.

I held your hand during childbirth, I watched you raise three kids on a shoestring budget-- you never gave up then, and you're not giving up now!

'Cause you're the toughest woman I've ever met.

And if there was a hall of fame for hearts, yours would be the biggest one in the whole damn building!

Quagmire: Peter, you're in the wrong corner!

Peter: Ah.

All right, Lois, you listen to me and you listen good.

(bell clangs) Damn it!

(crowd jeering)

Shut up!

Everybody shut up!

This took a lot of courage!

Well, ladies and gentlemen, here we are at round six-- the round that Deirdre Jackson predicted she'd k*ll Lois Griffin.

What do you think, Floyd, is she gonna make good on that promise?

A broken promise is a lot like a child's pinwheel.

You have to b-be yourself, or at least within the confines.

All right, well, let's see what's going on in the ring.

(bell clangs)

Finish this.

(slow-motion, vicious grunt)

(crowd ooh-ing)

One, two...

Lois, stay down. Don't get up.

You've got nothing to prove.

...five, six...

You get up, you die!

(fierce grunt)

I've had enough of you!

("Eye of the Tiger" playing)

(punches cracking, thudding)

("Eye of the Tiger" continues)

♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Risin' up ♪
♪ Back on the street ♪
♪ Did my time, took my chances... ♪

Oh, get out of here. Yeah, okay.

(punches cracking)

You're goin' down, Griffin!

Not tonight, I'm not!

(grunts)

(slow-motion thud)

(cheering, whistling)

Lois! You did it!

I love you so much!

And the winner is...

Lois Griffin!

Now, if everyone could just pick up two chairs before you leave, we can get this place cleaned up a lot quicker.

Wow. Well, what do you think, Floyd?

How did Lois Griffin do what no other challenger could do and knock out Deirdre Jackson?

I-I have a strong headache when I go to sleep and wake up.

And how do you think that's going to affect Jackson's next fight?

My Puerto Rican wife got fat.

Well, I gotta be honest, Lois, I had my doubts, but you really held your own in that ring.

Thanks, Brian. It was nice to go out a champion.

Well, we're real proud of you, Lois.

And thanks to Deirdre, I even got some of my own milk to put on my cereal.

Others: Dad, come on! Oh, Peter! Oh, for crying out loud!

What? I'm fun.