09x12 - The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
♪ All the things that make us ♪
♪ Laugh and cry ♪
♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

(doorbell ringing)

Oh, hi, Bonnie. What's up?

Hi, Lois, um, I hate to bother you, but I'm going out of town for a few days to visit my father in the hospital.

I was hoping that while I was gone, you could look in on Susie and Joe.

And go have sex with Quagmire.

Quagmire! Quagmire!

Aw, shucks, you can't blame a guy for trying.

Giggity-giggity-giggity!

(squeaking)

Well, of course, Bonnie. I'd love to help.

Meg, sweetie?

Yeah, Mom?

Bonnie wants you to look after Susie and Joe while she's out of town.

What?! Why me?!

I don't want to have to do that.

And Bonnie said you are very pretty.

But I... How did that come up?

Oh, y-you know... we were talking about pretty people.

And... and I said Rachel Maddow, and she kind of took the baton from there and said Meg Griffin.

Who's Rachel Maddow?

A model.

Oh.

Yeah.

Okay, I'll do it.

(laughing)

Whoops.

Oh, hey, uh, excuse me, fella?

Yeah, what do you want, shrimp?

Oh, just a few moments of your time.

Hang on.

Let me just get this little guy assembled.

♪ Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doodie, doo. ♪

So where you from?

Newburyport. What's it to you?

Oh, I'm just always interested in where people are from.

Everybody's got a story, that's what I believe.

All right, I think we're all set here.

(laughing)

Wow. Never seen that happen before.

What the devil happened here?

I've assembled that r*fle a million times.

Well, I don't know if it's just the r*fle.

What are you talking about?

I think you're going soft.

I mean, when was the last time you tried to blow something up, or take over the world, or even used the phrase, "Damn you"?

Hey, I got a lot on my plate, man.

I'm learning to use the toilet, I'm learning what shapes are.

I-I spent half an hour laughing at my own feet yesterday.

Yeah, you're losing it, man. You're losing your edge.

Well, I don't care for your tone and I'd say you deserve a good kick in the... (laughing)

Oh, look!

Oh, Brian, look at them!

Joe: Come in.

Drop it, creep-o!

Don't move, Catherine Deneuve!

Freezerino, Paul Sorvino!

What are you doing, Mr. Swanson?

I'm tryin' out some cop entrances.

Oh, well, I'm here to help you out while Bonnie's gone.

Oh, great.

Uh, do you have any experience helping out people with special needs?

Well, I did work for that old lady down the street.

Meg, could you come here, please?

What is it?

Could you see if I'm getting a bed sore on my back?

Sure.

It looks fine to me, ma'am.

Thank you, dear.

I must have just slept on it wrong.

(laughing)

I stole Meg's cutaway.

(whooshing) What the hell is going on in here?

Well, Brian, I thought about what you said at the park, and I've decided you're right.

I have gone soft.

I've lost my sadistic streak.

So I've built a concentrated neural enhancement device, designed to boost my evil side.

All right, shall we take this thing for a spin?

Now, when I say so, hit that button.

Okay, hit it.

(electronic whirring)

(whirring grows louder)

(whooshing)

Well, how do you feel?

I don't know.

I don't feel any different.

Well, why don't you try insulting me?

Yeah, okay.

Um, sometimes you chase helicopters.

That's kind of lame.

Yeah. Um...

Besides, I do that to protect the house.

Helicopters are going to hurt us, and I make them stay away.

You know what? Didn't look at it that way.

Thank you for protecting us.

Look, your machine obviously didn't work.

It just needs a few adjustments, that's all.

Come on, help me get some of Peter's tools out of the "gay-rage."

(electronic whirring)

(beeping)

♪ ♪

...97, 98, 99, 100.

Ah, thanks, Meg.

I really appreciate you helping me out these past couple of days.

Sorry I bit you yesterday.

That's okay.

I guess now I know not to get too close to your bowl, right?

(chuckles) Yeah.

I know you're not trying to hurt me, but part of me doesn't know.

Oh my God, is it ten of 8:00?

Aw, damn it, I missed the bus.

Oh, well, that's all right, Meg.

I can drive you to school.

That'd be great. Thanks.

So, uh... how are your academics going?

Good. Real good.

That Puerto Rican street g*ng give you any trouble on your way home from school?

What Puerto Rican street g*ng? You're welcome.

Oh, hang on, there's a red light.

Got to hit the brakes.

(exhaling)

So, um...

I hear you teenage girls are pretty hot on that, uh...

Nic Cage.

Uh, no, not really.

Okay.

Hey, can you tell me what Lady Gaga is?

Is that a band, or a soda, or a store, or... one of those terms like "donkey punch"?

No.

Is it a douche?

Is Lady Gaga a douche?

I don't think so.

Well, whatever it is, I like it.

Ah, green light.

(blowing nose)

Is... is it hard being a paraplegic?

Well, it's no picnic.

Unless your version of a picnic is being the basket.

Well, you seem like you have a good attitude about it.

Yeah, you know, it's like we handicapped people say: "When life ruins your legs, you just gotta make legonade."

I can sort of relate to that.

You know, sometimes it's really hard being me, and I guess I just make Megonade.

That sounds disgusting.

All right, we're here.

This is my school.

Yeah, isn't that where you wanted to go?

Well, y-yeah, but... most times people just drop me off a block away so they don't have to be seen with me.

Aw, that's gay.

I don't mind being seen with you.

You don't?

Of course not.

Wow.

Well, I-I better go, I don't want to be tardy.

Ah, that's not going to happen from missing one class.

People are born that way.

Now run along, or you'll be late.

Hey, who's that, your boyfriend?

(cackling)

Yeah.

Yeah, that's my boyfriend.

Meg, you're here early.

Oh yeah, I just wanted to make sure you got a nice hot breakfast before you head off to work.

Oh. Well, thanks.

What's with the getup?

Oh, nothing.

I just wanted to look sexy for Susie.

How are your eggs, Joe?

Meg: If he doesn't say anything about me calling him "Joe," that means we're truly in love.

Joe: She just called me "Joe."

That's kind of weird.

But I'll just let it slide.

She's got nothing going on.

Besides, what harm could it do?

They're delicious, Meg. Thanks.

You're welcome, Joe.

Joe: Ah, (bleep), I should have said something.

Meg: He let me say it twice now.

It's like we're married.

Patrick Stewart: This is Patrick Stewart.

How are you liking the program so far?

Aah! Oh, geez, you scared me.

What happened to your clothes?

Hey, what are you doing?

(screaming)

(gagging)

(labored breathing)

Brian, have you seen...?

Whoa, what the hell happened to you?

Easy, easy, man, easy. (whimpering)

(gasps)

What the hell is your problem?!

Me? What did I do?

You're the one going all Michael Hutchence over here.

You just stay away from me, you psychopath.

Hey, ow.

Look, I don't know what's going on here, but don't be throwing things, because that's just not safe.

(gasps) What?

Oh... my... God.

Good Lord!

I... am a genius.

What... what is it?

Don't you see, Brian?

My machine did work.

It created an evil clone of me.

That's why I didn't feel more evil... all the evil energy went into him.

Well, k*ll it. It almost choked me to death.

I shall do no such thing, Brian.

It must be studied.

If I can decode the genetic puzzle of this being, perhaps I can determine how to apply it to my own neurological makeup.

Evil Stewie, come with me.

We're going to run a few tests on...

(bone crunches)

(yelling)

(grunting)

(gasps)

(whimpering)

(yelling)

(screaming)

(grunting)

(coughs)

(Brian screaming)

(screaming continues)

(tires squealing)

Oh, my God, a baby!

Are you okay?!

(tires squealing)

Hi, honey.

What?

What'd you say?

I just said hi.

Is that, uh... is that Bonnie's dress?

Oh, yeah. Susie spit up on me, and I didn't want to go all the way home, so I just threw this on.

I hope that's okay.

Yeah, it's fine, I guess.

Oh, here's that juice box you asked for.

Oh, thanks, Meg.

Oh... What's wrong?

Oh, nothing.

It's just that I like to put the straw in myself.

Oh, I-I'm sorry. Here.

Yeah. It's not the same now.

I'll, uh, I'll just get another one.

(phone rings)

I'll get it!

Hello.

Oh, hi, Meg, it's Bonnie.

How is everything going there?

Oh, great.

Has Joe d*ed?

What? No.

That's good.

I was just calling to tell him my father is recovering well and the doctors say he'll be fine.

That's great. I'll tell him.

I'll be flying back first thing in the morning.

That's great, too.

Okay, bye, Bonnie. See ya tomorrow.

Bye.

Who was that?

Oh, uh, prank call.

Oh, yeah, I, uh, get a lot of those.

I can never figure out who it is.

Who is this?

Peter: Wheely-wheely stupid head, but you wish that you were dead.

Listen, I don't know who this is, but you better cut it out! I'm a cop, you know!

Oh, what, are you gonna report me on your can't walkie-talkie?

I'm gonna hang up now.

No, no, no, wait, wait, wait!

I got three more of these I wrote on a napkin.

(sighs) All right, three more.

(snoring)

(jet engines roar)

(beeping)

Ma'am, is this your bag?

I don't know how that cocaine got in there.

Ma'am, this bag contains a concealed w*apon.

I'm gonna have to place you under arrest.

Oh, my goodness, how did that get in there?

You're gonna have to come with us, ma'am.

(handcuffs click) What happened to the coke?

There's no coke in here.

Oh, (bleep), Ricardo's gonna k*ll me.

This is nice, Joe.

A night out, a good dinner. Thank you so much.

Well, I wanted to do something special.

Show you how much I appreciate all the hard work you've been doing.

Oh, it's been my pleasure.

So, listen, there's something I wanted to talk to you about.

What's that?

Do you ever think about having another baby?

I don't know.

I guess I'm open to it.

Really? Oh, that's great!

So, I'll get off the pill...

What do you mean?

Nothing. Nothing. Forget it.

I-I think I'm just a little scattered tonight.

I'm probably just PMS-ing.

Oh, grody.

Hey, this is supposed to be a fun night.

What's wrong with you?

You know, I could ask the same of you.

We haven't made love in two weeks.

We haven't made love ever!

(crying)

Oh, great! Now you've upset the baby!

(gasping) Oh, God! Oh!

Patrick Stewart: This feels right, but it tastes like a dirty penny.

This is ridiculous.

Evil Stewie could be anywhere.

You know, this really is all your fault.

If you hadn't told me I was going soft I wouldn't have created Evil Stewie, he wouldn't have escaped and we wouldn't be trying to track down a m*rder*r.

For all we know he could be k*lling someone else right now.

(normal pitched): Oh, no.

(deep voice): Oh, no.

(high-pitched): Oh, no!

Oh, yeah!

(groaning)

Listen, guys, I got something to tell you.

And I don't really know how to break it to you, so I'm just going to come right out and say it.

Meg has a crush on me.

(both laughing)

Oh, my God! Get over yourself!

Well, look, all I'm saying is, I remember when Brian had a similar difficulty with Meg.

Maybe she's prone to quick and severe infatuation.

Yeah, with a dog, not a cr*pple.

Hey, easy there.

All right, look, maybe I'm wrong.

Maybe I misread a few of Meg's signals.

Sorry I bothered you.

Excuse me, Lois, I have to go make a phone call.

(phone dialing)

Hey, wheely stupid head, I heard you think Meg likes you.

Joe: Who is this?!

How are you getting this information?!

(sniffs)

Oh, my God, Joe was here.

Yeah, he just left.

I know. I can feel him.

I can smell him.

Mm, I can taste him.

Okay, I get the smell part.

But, Meg, I think we have to have a talk.

Sweetheart, you don't... you don't have a crush on Joe, do you?

Um... I don't know.

Oh, my God, you do have a crush on him.

What, Mom? Why shouldn't I like him?

When I'm with him, he makes me happy.

And he needs me.

Oh, Meg, you're fooling yourself.

It's classic Florence Nightingale Syndrome.

You're taking care of him and you're feeling a closeness that you're misinterpreting as a romantic connection.

But think about it, Meg.

You two have nothing in common.

You know, you're right, Mom.

I hear you loud and clear.

(thumping)

(screaming)

(tires squealing)

Meg, what the hell did you do?!

I made us the same, Joe.

We're exactly alike, you and I.

Now we can be together.

My God, we have to get you to the hospital.

(siren wailing)

(tires squealing)

No, but I mean after soccer practice.

You got anything planned for then?

(siren wailing)

I mean, nothing, nothing.

Keep walking. You don't know me.

The doctor says you're going to be fine.

And your family's on the way.

But that was a crazy thing you did, Meg.

I know.

I'm... I'm so sorry.

I just wanted us to be closer.

Look, Meg, I do care for you, but I care for you like I... I would a niece or a good friend's daughter.

(sighs) I feel like such an idiot.

Don't. I'm lucky to have you as a neighbor, and even luckier to have you as a friend.

Thanks. I'm lucky to have you as a friend, too.

(sighs) When is Bonnie coming home?

I have to apologize to her.

Well, you can apologize right now.

Hi, Meg.

Bonnie, I'm so sorry I got you arrested.

No, it's all right, Meg.

Look, I was a teenage girl with a crush at one time myself.

I know sometimes it makes you lose touch.

Thanks for being so understanding.

I-I hope I didn't get you into too much trouble.

I mean, you're not gonna go to jail or anything, are you?

No, I'll be around.

I need these voice-over checks to support my gambling addiction.

Evil Stewie?

Wherever you are, if you can hear me, I'm completely defenseless right now.

Okay, there you are.

Well, this is a gift, Brian.

Thank you for making it so easy.

Hey, well, you know, you're doing me a favor.

I've had enough; I can't live with that stupid family anymore.

Do me a favor and end it all for me, will ya?

Delighted to oblige, Brian.

Aah!

(blows landing loudly)

(w*apon blasting)

(blows landing loudly)

Oh, come on, not this thing! Really?

Brian, it's me, Stewie.

sh**t him! No! Brian, you know me.

Look at me. sh**t him.

All right, there's only one way to settle this.

Look at your feet.

Why? They're just feet.

(giggling)

Wh-What are they doing down there?

They're like leg hands!

(sizzling)

Nice job, man!

Wow!

That was really brilliant.

Thanks. Just glad this nightmare is over.

And I'm really glad I didn't k*ll the wrong Stewie.

Yeah, me, too.

Hey, come on, I'll take you home.

(deep, echoing, evil laughter)