01x02 - Interruptus Date Breast Movin'

Woman (over TV): Of course, I do understand...

Hey, uh, Mom, Dad, have you seen my phone?

Oh... oh, oh! Oh, no.

What are you doing?

Well, we have to do it this way so we can both watch Charlie Rose.

Okay. I'm sorr...

This is what I keep saying...

Move back into your bedroom.

Don't live in the damn garage.

Yeah, and I keep saying to you, Mother, that feels really permanent and I need this to be a temporar...

You know what, I can't have this conversation with you.

There's too many holes in that afghan.

Just... Here, I found it.

Keep it.

It was under your mother.

Oh, honey.

Sit down, your mother made you a waffle.

Oh, no.

No, I am not having the-the special-talk waffles. Now... if you'll please excuse me, I am going to go buy a new phone.

John: Yeah, you should.

It accidentally filmed us, and I-I don't know how to delete it.

Oh! Oh, God.

Honey.

Honey, having you back home...

It's a big adjustment for all of us.

I'm now a p0rn star. I didn't...

(laughing): That's...

It filmed us. You can delete that.

I'd give it up, Joanie. He doesn't want to talk to his mom about it.

That's true, I don't.

You may not want to talk to your mom about it, but you should at least talk to a therapist.

Oh, man.

I mean, of course I didn't want to see my parents doing that, but I just... I don't see how talking about this is gonna make it go away.

Well, then, is there a feeling that you wish would go away?

There's an image I wish would go away.

Right. But you need to talk about this with someone.

I talked about it. You did?

Yeah. With Greg and Heather, I texted all night.

Believe me, they're just as disturbed as I am.

Oh.

That's so interesting.

You know, I think it's clear that, as a family, we're falling into some unhealthy communication patterns.

If we can send it electronically through our phones, then we can say it emotionally through our mouths.

Yes?

I was told there would be doughnuts.

Yeah, they're coming.

Do we really have to be here all just because Matt walked in on... whatever it is he walked in on?

Greg. You can't even say it.

Intercourse.

Oh, you're such a kiss-ass.

The sooner we give her what she wants, the sooner this is over.

Amen to that, girl.

Yeah, you're buying me a new purse.

Sure.

Have-have you given any thought to what you would say to a child who-who saw you in that situation?

Our baby only sees shapes and colors right now, Mom, so I think it would really just be guesswork.

Yeah.

Okay. Okay. The real issue here is communication, and that affects every member of this family.

Why did we have to get out of the pool?

Because Uncle Matt walked in on Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop communicating.

Dude.

Oh, dude.

Dude.

So... can we go back to playing Marco Polo?

Yes. But first I have a game that might be even more fun.

Can you do your job overseas?

Okay, everybody, keep eye contact and be honest.

Like this: John, sometimes I feel I need you to be more in the moment.

Um, keeping it fresh... keeps it special.

Oh, thank you.

He just read that off the doughnut box.

Well, yeah, but I read it in the moment.

Ready, set... keep sharing, keep looking...

Go!

I've always been intimidated by your strength.

Yeah, I'm not doing this.

That was strong.

You need to start wearing deodorant.

I know what you do in the bathroom.

Greg: So, who did you see more of, Mom or Dad?

Dude. It was like watching two candles melt onto each other.

Oh. Yeah.

You promise to be honest?

100%.

Who's your favorite child?

Tim.

Pretty sure it's Tyler.

Ugh.

Mom, how much longer do we have to do this?

Let's try to say the same thing at the same time.

Okay. All right, you ready?

Apple.

Shoes.

Hamster.

Pencil.

Rhinestone.

Cowboy.

Both: Whoa!

Yeah.

You guys need a third over there?

Done with my doughnut.

Aw, look at 'em all talking.

You're a hell of a mom, Joanie.

That was in the moment.

Well... can I go back to the pool now?

Let's both go. They're fine.

Still got nobody.

Solo.

Woman (over TV): version, and now that it's a big blockbuster hit...

Hey.

Joanie. Hmm?

Look at this.

Whoa.

Charlie Rose...

I think we should watch from the bedroom.

Mm, yeah.

Yeah.

(creaking)

(muffled giggle)

Joan: Oh! (Laughs)

Try it again.

Okay.

(engine sputters)

Aw...

Well, well.

Here's the problem.

What?

Your car's a piece of crap.

This girl already knows you're broke, right?

No. No, she thinks it's vintage.

I-I told her I got it at an auction in Pebble Beach.

You've never been to Pebble Beach.

I've never been to an auction.

Oh...

Look, Colleen's my boss and she just broke off her engagement to her weird fiancé.

I'm trying to seem like I'm the better option, which I don't think I'm going to when I show up to pick her up on my skateboard.

So she's special, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

You ever have something really great come along at the worst possible time?

Oh, yeah.

Your brother Greg.

Yeah, we were supposed to stop at two, but it all worked out, because he's successful.

Thanks, Dad.

Can you please just help me get the car started?

Well, there is an old trick I used to use when I couldn't get an aging aircraft started.

Yeah. Anything.

Little tequila...

Try her now.

(engine starts)

There you go.

Ah? Hey!

Wait, you put tequila in a plane?

Yes, sir.

Works good on old motors.

Also good in old pilots.

Thanks, Dad.

Go get her, son.

Colleen: Thank you.

After you.

Oh.

I'm so glad you're a let-the-lady-sit-first kind of guy.

Yeah. Uh, unfortunately, I am also a slide-my-hands-into-your-back pockets kind of guy.

I'll overlook it, 'cause you're very cute.

(laughs) Excuse me, sir?

We're having trouble starting your car.

Oh, yeah. There's... there's just a trick to it.

Okay.

All right.

I shall El return-o.

Um, please forget that I said that.

It's broken.

Yeah, I know.

Can't really afford to fix it.

You want to buy it?

(kicking)

It's broken.

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah.

Guy just didn't know anything about cars. Whoa!

Look at that wine list. Huh. There's so many of them. Sometimes I look at it, I'm just, "Aah!". You know?

Aah! Uh, don't even want any wine anymore.

There you go.

Oh. So, I ordered another one already?

Yeah, you grabbed my forearm and you told me to keep 'em coming, so...

Oh. Okay.

Something to drink, sir?

Uh, water, please.

Oh, sparkling or flat?

Tap is fine.

It's brown.

That's fine.

No. Don't look!

It's easy for you to say.

You're a good artist. I'm terrible.

Nobody is a terrible artist.

Okay.

Pencils down.

(sighs)

(giggles)

Some people are terrible artists.

(laughter)

That bad?

Oh. Oh, let me.

No, I got this. You may be the boss at work, but I asked you out.

I'm just gonna run this up there, you know.

Okay.

So that we're not, like, oh, you know, what's taking so long?

That went through?

Uh-huh.

Yes!

She's pregnant.

Oh.

Yeah.

(whispering): You aren't. Thank you.

Mmm.

Oh. (Laughs)

Couldn't help but notice that something's going on.

Uh-huh, mm-hmm.

You okay?

I was supposed to be somewhere else tonight.

Okay. Where?

Mm-hmm.

At my wedding.

I'm so sorry I didn't tell you, but today is the day I was going to marry Chad.

Oh.

Yeah. And if that wasn't bad enough, we canceled so late, I'm still paying for the reception.

Well, that's just cruel.

What, they wouldn't give you a refund?

I tried. The manager... He was like, "No."

Just like that? Like, "No"?

Yeah.

Right in my face... over the phone.

God.

What I wouldn't give for, like, five minutes with that guy.

It's really close. We could go.

Like right now?

Yeah, like right now.

Yeah, all right, let's go.

Okay, get the car. Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Yeah, you know what? Let's walk. I'm too angry to drive.

Sir?

Yeah.

Your car is on fire.

(scoffs)

This guy.

I'm sorry, ma'am. As I told you when you canceled, the reservation is nonrefundable.

Oh, is it?

Yes, it is.

Mm, this is why I didn't go to law school.

You're doing great. Isn't she doing great?

You know what? We're gonna need to see the supposedly empty ballroom that she's paying for.

Yeah, there's no way you guys aren't double dipping.

Okay, let's go.

You want to... ?

Mm-hmm, yeah.- Yeah.

Probably should.

Colleen: Yeah. I don't...

I'll do it. I'll show you.

Matt: Okay.

Here's my card with my cell phone.

If you have any problems, don't hesitate to call.

(scoffs)

This guy.

(scoffs)

It's magical in here.

(crying)

Oh, no. I'm sorry.

Mm...

No.

I am...

I'm so sorry.

I have no business trying to date somebody right now. I'm a mess. You're a really sweet guy, and, um, you don't need this. I release you from the disaster that is my life, and I will see you at work on Monday, and we can pretend that this never happened.

My car's on fire.

What?

I'm 38 years old. I'm drowning in debt.

I live in my parents' garage. And when this date is over, I have to call my mom to come and pick us up.

Your life is a disaster.

My life is a disaster. It's why we're perfect for each other.

And the best thing that we can do for the dating world is to just take each other off of the market.


♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

What else do they owe you?

♪ Baby, baby, babe ♪
♪ I'm coming home ♪
♪ To your tender sweet loving ♪
♪ You're my one and only woman ♪
♪ The world leaves a bitter taste in my mouth, girl ♪
♪ You're the only one that I want ♪
♪ Wanna be around ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Wanna be around you, girl. ♪

(rhythmic whirring)

Okay, well, the honey badger's finally down.

How's the dairy farm?

Oh. Almost out of business.

God, I cannot believe I'm failing at, like, the most basic task of motherhood.

Oh, honey, you are not failing, okay?

She's getting milk.

Yeah, but it's such a struggle.

Then there's Diora in mommy group.

Her breasts are like an inner-city fire hydrant in the summertime.

They're just like... (imitates whooshing)

Her children are frolicking under it with umbrellas and rubber boots.

To be fair, she has huge boobs.

Who is that fair to?

Look, sweetie, I support anything you want to do.

You know that.

(sighs heavily)

But there is a solution to this problem.

We-we can just supplement with formula.

No. No.

Okay.

My milk is what's breast for her.

Breast for her?

Best for her.

I said, "Best for her."

Okay.

Jen: Hey, thank you so much for coming.

My, um... well, my friend Sasha said you guys worked miracles for her and little Sephora, so...

Oh, that was so sweet.

So sweet, but no, no.

Mother Nature is performing the miracles.

We just facilitate.

Oh.

That's all.

We are but tools.

I've never heard of a lactation consultant couple before.

Well, breast-feeding is a family issue.

Mm.

So, let's dive in, shall we?

Mm-hmm, sure.

Okay. (Exhales)

Now I just want you to just feel the energy pass through as we...

Oop, don't flex. Why are you flexing?

I'm not flexing.

Just relax.

Breathe in.

Okay.

Close up the circle.

We go here.

Come on, connect.

Yeah, you. Right here. Don't be afraid. I'm not wearing a bra.

Oh. That's fun. Okay.

Man: That's it. There you go. Just, you two just have a...

Woman: Just okay?

No, you're not.

Grab on. There we go.

Welcome to parenthood.

(laughter)

And breathe in. (Inhaling)

(short, fast breaths)

Oh, your hand is incredibly warm.

Yeah. That's the energy.

Okay.

Now we just remain here for an hour.

(man inhales and exhales)

The wheat grass and the Japanese fish-eye paste will stimulate your milk production.

Okay.

You are lucky.

Well... (clears her throat)

This smells like my junior year abroad. Ooh.

Okay. Okay.

Just do it. Just go.

One, two, three.

There you go. That's my girl! Yeah!

Oh, my God!

(chuckling)

(panting)

It's coming back up, it's coming back up...

Your milk will not flow when you are at war with your body. You're angry at your breasts, hmm? Yeah?

Mmm.

Yeah, you are.

I don't... Oh. Oh.

Forgive them.

Okay.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

I do. (Chuckles)

No, don't tell me.

Tell them. Tell your breasts.

(quietly): I forgive you.

Louder.

I forgive you.

I just got chills.

(chuckles)

Woman: Okay, you are ready.

Okay. You can do this. You're going to take the mammary and you're going to flatten it into a sandwich.

Right. Okay.

There you go. Flatten it.

A sandwich.

And then shove that mamwich right into Lark's mouth.

It's deli time.

What?

You know what? Let's show her, Teddy.

Right. I'll be the baby.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, it's okay.

Oh... Oh.

Thank you. You don't have to put yourself through this, all right? Just say the word, and I'll go get you formula.

(gasps)

(gasps)

Oh, no.

What did you...

Did you just say the "F" word?

Formula?

Don't you ever drop the F-bomb in front of my sister.

Okay, look, I'm just trying to be supportive for my wife and my kid, all right? I'm not trying to...

Wait a minute, sister?

Yeah, that-that's what got me.

Lark is gonna be fine, okay?

All right? You are smart, you are funny, (sighs) you are tough, and those are gonna be the things that she gets from you, and those cannot be bought at a store.

That's so sweet. Thank you. I love you.

I love you.

Oh, my God. What?

You did not pay us to quit.

Your baby will thank us later. Go, go, go, go, go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Teddy: Like us on Facebook!

I hate those people.

Yes. I do, too.

Check the bag. There's still one more.

We still got one. We still got one!

Quick, they're coming back.

They're coming back.

Give it to me! Give it to me! (Screams)

♪ I like to move it, move it ♪

Dad!

What? I'm just making sure that everybody knows that.

♪ I like to move it, move it ♪
♪ I like to move it, move it ♪

Dad.

(laughing): Honey, honey.

What? Tyler smiled!

Don't encourage him.

Why? It's funny.

See, and that is why I love you best.

Okay, girls, that is so not true.

He loves me best more than all three of you put together.

It's sweet that you think that.

Am I the only one who cares that we're leaving this house forever?

We're only moving a couple miles away!

And the new house is gonna be even better!

I mean, yes, I know this is where you used to come home to with your little lunchboxes, (crying): and then you'd run into my arms and yell, "Mommy... "

Okay, I'm over it. Let's move.

Please, no, come on! I'll give you five dollars.

You run into my arms and go, "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy..."

Oh, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy...

Oh.

Oh, yeah!

Hi!

Hey.

Hey, Uncle Matt.

(imitates explosion)

What are you doing here?

What? I came to help you move. That's what family does.

Also because Mom and Dad fired up the hot tub and threw on some Josh Groban, so I knew it was time to leave.

Also Dad told me it was time to leave.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, hey, guys?

If the movers look a little rough around the edges, that's because Clean Slate Movers only hires ex-convicts to help them turn their lives around.

That's right... Wait, what?!

(laughing)

It's a charity!

Who cares?

It's deductible.

Kids, this is a good cause.

Man: Morning!

I'm Aaron. You guys ready?

Yes.

(screams)

All right, men, let's move!

Looks like someone likes to ♪ Move it, move it ♪

Tyler: No, come on.

Dad, stop!

♪ They like to move it, move it. ♪

Madagascar.

If it was between '98 and '07, I have no idea.

Were you studying abroad?

Oh, Tim, Tim, look, look, look.

Oh, what year is that?

That's...

See...

(whistle blows)

Oh, my God.

Workers, hold!

Sir?

Can I speak to you for a second?

Me sir or her sir?

Go, go, go, you go, go.

We are not allowed to come in contact with anything that pertains to our incarceration.

That's why I had to blow the whistle.

Oh.

Oh, the alcohol, yeah.

Sorry, no, I-I'll get that.

I'll take care... I'll pack that up.

Is there any other drugs or alcohol in the house?

No.

Heather: No!

(laughing): No. No.

No?

No, it's not...

There is nothing.

What... ?

What happened... ?

It... (mouths)

Apparently there's nothing.

Aah!

(shrieks)

Hi. Thank you.

Oh, um...

I was just coming in for my, um, mouth mints.

Please, don't do that! I will get in so much trouble.

I have to.

Whoa... Stop.

If you blow that whistle, this kid's gonna get grounded for, like, at least a year.

Now, what would've happened if somebody would've cut you a break the first time you screwed up?

Where would you be right now?

Dead.

Okay, that was a bad example.

You know what? That's mine.

He's holding it for me.

I don't live here.

So that means, technically, you don't have to blow that whistle.

I'm so tired of fighting.

All right.

Thank you, Uncle Matt.

Yeah, yeah, hey.

I owe you, man.

All right, man.

What are you... ?

No?

No more.

Okay.

(laughs)

One A.D.D. pill.

Samantha: What are you doing?

Aren't we gonna say good-bye to the house?

We've been here our whole lives.

Oh, sweetie, it doesn't matter where we live as long as we're together as a family.

What about Sergeant Tweety?

And Eeky and Speedy the turtle?

Oh, honey, they're in Heaven.

No, they're technically buried in the backyard.

Yeah, they are family.

We wouldn't leave Grandma in the backyard.

(quietly): That depends which grandma.

You know what? We dig!

(clicks tongue)

He's got a lot of energy.

We dig.

We-we dig.

We dig.

Let's, let's dig.

That's on there.

Yeah, I'll drive slow.

Yeah. Let's go.

(engine starts)

Sophia: Bye, house.

Don't like your new family better than us.

Hey, look, kids! There's Mom-Mom and Pop-Pop!

Howdy, neighbors!

Hi, sweetie!

How great is this, yeah?!

Tim: Well, we're home!