01x04 - Prison Baby Golf Picking

Matt: Which is a 50-point bonus, so, um...

Colleen: Uh, "thesbian" is not a word.


"Thespian" is a word with a "P".

No, no, no, no.


Thesbian is a gay thespian.

(phone buzzes)

Please look that up.

Ugh, it's Chad. He's here to pick up Princess.

Wait, you told him where I live?

Chad: Princess has a tracking implant.

Why is he always peering through things?

That's really creepy.

Evening, Chad, how can I... ? Okay.

Can we talk?

Hi, Chad.

Like, without any lurkers?

Anything you want to say to me, you can say in front of both of us.


To whom it may concern: As you may be aware, I have recently accepted a plea bargain for a reduced prison sentence for my ongoing kerfuffle with the IRS.

In light of my impending incarceration, I have prepared a list of final requests.

This is a standard practice that everyone knows about and does.

Uh, is this really standard? I'm not...

This is my time. This is Chad time.

Let's begin.

Make love with Colleen one last time.


Absolutely not. No.

(muttering): See what else we have here.

Nope, nope.

Hold on, hold on.

Do any of these requests not involve us having s*x?


Oh, wow.

I knew it, I knew it.

Come on, guys!

I'm going to prison.

Cannot happen fast enough.

You got to do something for me.

You guys are like the only family I have.

You, you're like my best friend, Mitch.

We've met twice. My name is Matt.


Colleen: Okay, look, maybe we do something like... like a-a last meal.

Like your grandmother's tamales.

Aw, that's sweet.

Yeah, fine.

Are you serious?

We were together for three years.

It's the least I can do, a last meal.


Tonita's tamales.

And then you can take me to prison.

Fine. Great.

Seal it with a kiss.

No. Hey.


Wasn't talking to you.

Are you sure you're okay doing this?

Look, if it gets you closure and we can move on, you know what, I'm all for it.

Right, after today, we are free and clear, okay?

Just us.

No more of... that.

He didn't used to be this weird.


(clears throat)

We're gonna see what kind of man you really are.

I requested she make the tamales... extra spicy.

I'd just like to point out the fact that she went black and did, in fact, go back.

Two alpha males going at it.




My beautiful girl.

¿Como estas?

(speaks Spanish)

This is Matt.


Who I was telling you about.

Mi corazón.


Come here.

Muy bien.

You look beautiful.

Okay, here we go. One, two, three, four, mm, mm, smoke it.

Okay, let's wait inside.

This goes on a while.


One more time. I want to get it perfect.

Yeah, all right.

Excuse me.

Matt: Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm.



You know what?

I would say these are your best tamales ever, Tonita.

I am so honored you wanted them.

Actually, I just asked for Colleen to sleep with me again.

But these are good, too.


Why you not have s*x with him?

He's your fiancé.

You give him your word.

He is not my fiancé anymore.

I'm with Matt now.

And Chad's going to prison for tax evasion.

He lied to everyone.

But look, he's wearing a blazer.

You know what?

I bought you this.

The guy at the store said it's a traditional Mexican tequila, so I wanted you to have it.

Thank you, Mark.


It's the same tequila my stepfather used to drink.

Oh, wow, that's so cool. I had no idea.

Before he beat my mama.

I'm so sorry.

I don't, I don't know.

(softly sobbing)


Great job, Mark.

Mm-mm-mm, don't you do it.

Don't you cry.

Don't you let them see you cry.

♪ Because ♪
♪ It's just like the ocean ♪
♪ Under the moon ♪
♪ It's just the same as the emotion ♪
♪ That I get from you ♪
♪ You got the kind of loving... ♪

Do you want to get some dessert?

This usually goes on for a while.


♪ Give me your heart, make it real ♪
♪ Or else forget about it. ♪

Well, that's not the way I wanted to meet your grandmother.

You're gonna have many more opportunities to get her to like you.

Today was about Chad saying good-bye.


I'm gonna be honest with you, man.

I think that actually went pretty terrible for you.

Okay. But it was very fun to watch, as somebody emotionally removed from the situation.

Thank you, Chad.

I feel the same way right now about taking you to prison.

I can't believe I'm going to prison.

Oh, it's not Guantanamo Bay.

They have a water slide.

Yeah, I'll get some reading done.

Probably get my own room.

Get to work out as much as I want.


During the allocated hours, of course.

But have some time for rest and reflection.

Take an honest assessment of how I got here.


I can't do it.


Uh, what is he doing?

Colleen: He's just being dramatic.

He'll get back in.

Watch, he's fine.

Chad! Chad!

Chad, get back in the car.

I'm coming back for you, Colleen Brandon Ortega.

Just you watch.


Oh, I'm full of tamales.



Don't do this, Chad.

Don't forget to give Princess his pills!

So much for closure and moving on.


Greg: Mom, Dad.

Joan: Hi!

Hi there!

Oh, hello.

Baby delivery for the grandparents.

Have at her.

You've got shoes!

Oh, they're adorable.

And you're not even walking yet.

Well, they don't have to be so tight, do they?

Oh, I see. Well, that's helpful.

Isn't that helpful, Greg?

Joan: Did you learn how to walk?


Yep. Thank you.

Tell me when.

Till it hits the air.

Tip-tip-top-top her off.


That's half the bottle.

Yeah, perfect, perfect.


You like that pacifier, huh?

Let me take...

You're going with a pacifier.

You obviously don't-don't like them?

Oh, no, no, all my kids were self-soothers.

It's just so hard to wean them from a pacifier.

But you've read all that.

You're such a good mom.

Well, not as good as you.

Oh, well, you know.

By the third kid, you kind of get it right.

(chuckles) Thanks, Mom.

Where's her hat?

It's chilly in here.

I'll go get the hat.

We don't need a hat.

Oh, well, it's fine.

I'll turn on the heat.

(clears throat)


Hey, why do you always take your mom's side?

I'm not taking anybody's side.

Okay, well, that's a problem.

I need you to take my side.

(chuckles) What if I don't agree with you?

Well, that has absolutely nothing to do with taking my side.

Uh, well, see, I just... (chuckles)

I would think that you wouldn't want a husband that would just blindly agree to anything his wife told him to do without, you know, having his own opinions.

(laughs) Oh. Yeah, no, yes, I would.

Oh, all right, then I'll be on your side.

Thank you, honey.

Now will you tell your mom to stop critisizing me?

Oh, no!

No, no, i'm sorry.

Can't do that.

But you just said you agreed with me.

And I do.

I agree with every word you just said, just not the point they make when you string all those words together in a sentence.


She'll feel bad.

Well, unfortunately, it's either she feels bad or I feel bad.

Or I feel bad.

You're feeling bad no matter what.

Honey, is something wrong?

No, no.

I just... really wanted to encourage you to enjoy all the, the wonderful benefits of being a grandmother without having any of the responsibilities.

I don't understand.

Just let-let Jen... you know, uh, mother the... the baby.

And just enjoy your granddaughter.

Oh, I see.

Did Jen ask you to speak to me?

No. No.

This is coming from you?

No! Uh...

I... agree with her.

You do?

But I agree with you, too.

I agree with everyone about everything.

I mean, I'm just really happy, you know, with the situation, with parenthood, with...

Just, you know...


Hey, Mom said you yelled at her.

What? I didn't yell at her.

Okay, listen, I'm coming over.

No, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes.

(cork pops, whooping)

Heather: This is huge.

You finally picked another woman over Mom.

Matt: I came as soon as I heard.

Greg: Heard what?

You screamed at Mom?

I am so proud of you.

Yeah, and I didn't even tell him to do it.

It's kind of like you read my mind, though.

I didn't scream at Mom.

We are so proud of you.

Yeah, really, it's about time.

Hey, don't let our mom fool you with that voice of caramel.

She will gut a bitch.

Oh, I know.

It's like she tries to hypnotize you (softly): with that sweet music coming from her mouth, when what she's really saying is, (growling): "You are a disappointment."

Oh, well, hey, don't let her throw you, Jen.

You are an awesome mom.


Thank you.

Okay, I'm just gonna get you a smaller blanket so you don't wrap this around your little neck, and let's get that choking hazard out of there.

Oh, my God.

You're doing it, too.


Is this, like, a thing in your family?

What are you looking at him for?

I agree with all of you.

Oh, that's good.

You're killing this.


Next time you want to get tough with one of your parents, come at me, not your mom.

What is happening?

John, it's fine.

He was right to speak up.

He's supporting his wife.

Thanks, Mom.

I still feel like a good fight.



Oh, she's so beautiful.

And... ? (chuckles)

Just like her mom.

Agree with your mother.

Greg: Pretty cute, huh?

You think you're gonna want to babysit her one day?


Not to change the subject, but I've noticed she's not getting a lot of tummy time, which is crucial at this stage for neck and head development.

You know, I think it's emotional.

Like when I was a kid and I killed all those turtles.


Samantha: Get out of my room!

Sophia: Stop!

(screaming) You have your own room! Mom!

(all shouting)

Get out!

Okay, okay, which one of you do I need to yell at?

She's trying to sleep in my bed.

Well, sweetie, calm down.

It's just, it's a new house. She's not used to it.

You have your own room now, honey.

Yeah, if you don't want it, I'll turn it into a gym.

I got that Bowflex we're still making payments on.

But the walls have eyes.

Heather: Honey, no, it's just an air vent.

I want to sleep in here.

No way. She picks her nose.

I've seen her get two knuckles deep.

Oh, God.

I hate you.

Tim: Hey!

Come on.


You know your mom hates booger talk.

All right, how long's she been doing this?

A few weeks.

And does she eat it?

Does she pick her nose and then...

No, no.

Thank you, God.

She wipes it on the sheets.

(groans) I think I might be sick.

Why can't she just roll it into a ball and flick it across the room like everybody else?

Okay, so we need to be careful about this.

Yeah, we make too big a deal out of it, then it's fetishized and next thing you know, she's 35, buying boogers on Craigslist.

Okay, you know, I think it's emotional. Like when I was a kid and I killed all those turtles.



One of us has to talk to her.

Fine, I'll go.

Okay, but talk to her like you're her father, not an ear, nose and throat doctor.

Well, that confuses me because I talk to all my patients like I'm their father.

Tyler: Mom?

Go, go, go.

She won't leave and you told me I can't smack her.

Sophia, honey, you have to sleep in your own bed.

I hate my bed.

I want to move back to our old house.

All right, I'm going in.


She can't sleep in my bed.

I know, and you don't have to be embarrassed about it.


Morning wood is not a big deal.

There's a reason why that happens.

Mom, no.


What? Why? Hey, why are you making this weird?

Hey, kiddo.

Listen, um, I get it.

You've always shared a room with your sister.

Now you have to sleep by yourself, and that can be very scary.


Wow, it's like sleeping on a gravel road.

I'm not picking my nose because I'm scared.

Then why?

It's a peanut.

I stuck it up there two weeks ago and I can't get it out.

What are you doing sticking a peanut up your nose?

You always say try everything.


That's why I got the Bowflex.



Hey, why didn't you just tell us about this?

I didn't want you to think I was a stupid little kid.

Hey, there's nothing stupid about sticking a...

You-You're not stupid.

You know what I think?

I think you telling us about this...

Very grown-up thing to do.

And that's how I know you're ready to sleep in your own bed.

I don't know.

Can I have this?

Heather: I, um...

Too slow.


Okay, we can never tell him about that.

Oh, I'm pretty excited to tell him.

(coughs) Aah!


John: Well, this is nice.

A relaxing day of golf with my two boys.

And you.

You know, I was so excited about today, I got these balls custom-made with the name of my practice.

Is that cherry or what?

"Dr. Tim Hughes.

Ear Nose Throat Balls."



Is that what it says?!

Oh, man.

I got to stop ordering stuff during surgery.

All: Oh!

Tim: There you go, big guy.

Matt: Very nice.


Yeah, to be fair, I am a great golfer.

People call me the white Chi-Chi Rodriguez.

Because he tells them to.




Double touch.

All right.

Oh, wow!


I haven't golfed in months.

I guess I must have forgotten all my bad habits.

Hot start.

Didn't expect that.

Yeah, you're playing like Tiger Woods now.

But by the end of the day, you'll be playing like Tiger Woods now.

(laughing): Hey!

I wasn't even focusing my eyes.

Top of the leader board, Timmy.

Looks like I got my work cut out for me.

Hey, you remember when you beat Dad at Pictionary and he burst a blood vessel in his eye, right?

Not my fault Heather and I cheat.

Yeah, well, he hates losing and especially to you.

Loud and clear, buddy.

There's no way in the world I can beat that guy at golf.

Now, cornhole, on the other hand, that's my game.

Though don't offer to play it at a truck stop.

Means something else entirely.

Oh, it went in! Hot damn!

Now, what is wrong with you?

I tried to tell him.

Why aren't you celebrating?

Tim is having a great round.

So this is all right?


How about this? (imitates laser gun)

Come on, son.

You ride with me.


You know, we're gonna have to break one of his fingers.

Yeah, all except the middle one so it always looks like he's flipping the bird.

I like that.

(laughing): Oh!

It's like I've been body-snatched by some amazing golfer alien.

You guys need to play with my balls... I think they're lucky.

I'll grab a couple.

Tim: You got 'em. Take 'em.

Lean into it. (laughs)

Uh, I think our cart is faster than theirs.

(laughing): Yeah.

I'm gonna call Heather, tell her to start looking for a second husband.

I texted her.

She'll be here in 15.


Yeah, I guess I'm the only one who hasn't been running off to the trees.


(yelps) What are you... ?


Beating my dad?

What, do you have heatstroke?

Honey, it's okay.

No. No, it's not.

It never will be again if you don't pull back.

I am having the round of my life.

And your dad is an adult... he can handle losing.

No, not to you... he's had an issue with you ever since you refused to ask for my hand in marriage.

I didn't refuse to ask him. I asked him.

He said no.

Okay, well, whatever.

You have worked very hard to get to a place where he tolerates you, so don't screw that up.

I'm not screwing it up.

Did you ever think maybe he wants me to challenge him?

Show him that maybe I'm as much of a man as he is?

No, I never thought that because I don't have dumb thoughts.

I'm going back out there.

Hey, hey.

This is like the time you thought you could eat an entire 42-ounce porterhouse steak by yourself.

My mistake was eating the fat.

Okay, you are eating the fat right now.

Hey, what took you so long?

It's hot out here.

Not as hot as I am.

Look at this.

I thought she was gonna talk to him.

Whatever she said to him, it didn't work.

This is like when he tried to eat that steak.


Hey, did you guys know these are your sister's clubs?

You're up, Chi-Chi Blanco.

It's with God now.

(laughs) Is that mine?

Ah, the old birdie tap-in.


Oh, well, you guys, too, really.

Hell of a round, hell of a round.

I mean, you, that drive on seven.

You take away the wind, and you are on the fairway.

And you, you play every shot out of the sand and you'd own this course.

And this guy.

Hey, most improved.

John: Yeah, and you had a great round, too.

And you should be proud of that.

You finish strong, like I do.

Wow, thanks, Dad.

I love you, son.

I can't believe you're okay with this.

Okay with what?

Losing to Tim.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not gonna lose.


Uh, it's no big deal.

Still in the 80s.

(everyone groans)

Come on, you got this, Dr. Balls.

(everyone groans)


Uh, what do you think?

We each take a par and, uh, hit the bar?

Yeah. Hmm?



It was the kiss.


Greg and Matt: That's a stroke.

Shut up!

That's a stroke. Stroke.

Stroke. Stroke.

Round of my life, come on!

Greg and Matt: Stroke.

Come on.

Give you a mulligan on that one, Timbo.