01x05 - Babe Secret Phone Germs

Joan: Where's Tyler?

Heather: Oh, he's picking up his girlfriend.

I can't believe I'm saying that.

I can't wait to meet her.

Do you remember when he used to say that he wanted to marry me?


Well, I do.

We were gonna take our honeymoon at Epcot.

There's something so sweet about your first little girlfriend.

She's not that little.

Oh, big one, huh?

Well, any port in a storm.

All right, guys, take it easy on him.

I'm sure the kid is nervous.

So everybody just be cool, give him his space, you know, when he walks in here with a full-grown woman.

Hi, everyone, this is Clementine.


Wow, wow. (clears throat)

Wow. Wo... Look at... all of you. Just...


So nice to finally meet you all.

(sharp laugh) And you as well.

That was loud.

We always enjoy welcoming a new person into our familial enclave.

Thank you.

So, you two are fellow styoo-dents?

Why are you talking like that?

(laughs) Don't interrupt your father, son.

You know, here, in the Clan Hughes, we have a long history in our family...

I'm trying to find... What's the exact word to articulate the-the sense, the real...

I-I-I... need to see you in the kitchen for one second.

Ah, a brief recess while I retrieve my pipe.

Be right...

I thought she was supposed to be fat.

Parts of her are.

What is coming out of your mouth?

Did I say boobs?

No, but you're talking like you're Little Lord Fauntleroy.

I freaked out. I don't know, I don't know what to say.

I was, I was expecting some mousy little chest club girl.

What's chest club?

I don't know, but she's the president of it.

Look, I was just trying to sound impressive so she thinks she's joining a good family.

Hey, hey, hey... we are a good family.

It is her job to impress us.

Mission accomplished.

Well, listen, I got to go put some pepper on the "potatas".


I... It's contagious.

All right.

Just be normal.

I don't know... Well, I'm in my head now.

I'm just gonna avoid her.

Good plan.


Yeah, I'm not standing next to that.


Oh, wow.

She is... not as pretty as you are.

Nope, not by a mile.

You really stuck the landing there.


So, nobody's saying anything. Do you guys not like her?

(all murmuring)

She's really cool. She gets Radiohead on, like, a deep level. We're both really into molecular gastronomy, you know, even though neither of us have tried it.

But it's like we're totally connected even though she's older, you know?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

How old?


Come here. Dude, that is, like, a number ten body. 18?

Proud of you, man.

I knew it. You champion.

I'm sorry.

Um, so, uh, Tyler tells me that you're a doctor?

He shouldn't... I'm-I'm a ear, nose and throat doctor, yes.

Yes. Sometimes I-I do... I like to say "troat", though, like a 1930s bad guy.

Let me see you troat, see?

I do a lot of characters.

Well, uh, what's your favorite kind of doctor?


Regular doctor. Very good.

Good, regular doctor. Nurse, get in here!

That's a regular doctor. I also do female characters.

(high-pitched): I think I know who did it.

It's Angela Lansbury from Murder, She Wrote. That was a very dangerous town.

She was super hot when she was young, too.

Not that you're hot. I wasn't saying that. I wasn't looking at that.

'Cause I took an oath.

All right, let's go.

Oh, I made a mess of that.

Oh, yeah, you did.

Hi, I'm Greg.


Wow, that was quick.

Where's his starter girlfriend?

You know? The freckly-faced nerd that he's supposed to hold hands with and make mix tapes for?

Oh, no, he went straight to the "I sold an app" girlfriend.

It's hard, it's hard.

You were only four years older than Tyler when you got pregnant.

I'm not ready for this.

You never will be. So you do what I did.

You let the first two go and you baby the third one until you die.

Here, honey. I pulled out all the celery pieces.

Oh. Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome.

Oh, the fork.

Do us all a favor... and don't do that.

I shan't.

Dad, what did you do?


Clementine said you were being weird.

What?! No.

All right, listen.

This'll probably come as a bit of a surprise to you, but your old man wasn't always the smoothest with girls.

I was just trying to be nice without being creepy.

Did you just wink at her?

I did. I've never winked at anybody in my life.

I don't know what's going on here. I'm not ready for this.

Take some money. Go.

(glass dinging)

Okay, everybody. Thank you so much for helping warm up our new house.

We can't wait to make many memories here with our family and-and our new people.



Hear, hear!

I should go.


We're just, um...

You know, this is-is new for us.

I mean, we-we can't believe that our little boy is dating.


You remember when you used to want to marry me?


Those were... Sorry... good times.

Um, okay, so... to boobs.

Oh, my God.

Did I just say "boobs"?

Oh, yeah, yeah, you did.

I'm so sorry.

I mean, I'm not sorry that you have them.

I'm sorry, uh...

What a lovely toast.

Cheers, honey.

You should take the stairs.

Oh, no, I've been working out on Tim's Bowflex.


So nobody sees us walking into the office together.

It's like 15 flights. Why can't I just wait for the next elevator?

No. There's a ban on interoffice dating.


That's why there's no restrictions on p0rn sites.

There's not?

Nope, not even the animal stuff.


Doris has a fetish.

That's not surprising.

You can't date a coworker, though.

Well, that's ridiculous.

I know.

I mean, who are these people to stand in the way of love?



That's not what you said.

You don't have that on tape.

You sure about that?

Damn it.


We have to be careful.


Okay. Stairs. (giggles)


I got it.

And this, my man, is how you beat the system.


Aw, snoozytime tea.

Man: Ow!

Hey, uh, you mind if I get a second press off that?

Still good, right?

It's all yours, man.

All right.

My man.

Damn. Forget the coffee.

I want to grind my beans on that.


Well, I'll see you later.

Hey, what is your deal lately, Matt?

Did HR talk to you, too?

Oh, no, no, I'm just not into her.

You're not?


Then, who's your fantasy office bang?

It's, uh...



Rock your world, man.


Colleen: So what are you getting for lunch?

I don't know. Something nasty.

(clears throat) Time cards.


Is there something going on between you two?



Because I feel like there's romance tension rising up in here, and if you're dating, that's trouble.

Oh, no. No, no, no.

Oh, my God, no.

That's not... no, not it at all.

That's absurd.

No, no, wouldn't be possible. No way, no.

That's like not even...

It's, like, totally against the rules.


We're not.

Gross. He's a nobody.

Yeah, you don't think I could do better than this? (chuckles)

Please, please, please. (mumbling)

Come here. Please come here.


Is this the forbidden executive lounge?

Yeah, don't change the subject.

You could do better than this?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on.

You said that I was a nobody.

I was acting.

Yeah, so was I.

You're always telling me that you want to role-play, so I was role-playing.

Yeah, role-playing, like period piece role-playing.

Like, wenches and innkeepers.

I'm freaking out.

Okay, no, no, no, no, no. It's okay.

We can't let anyone know about any of this.

Okay, okay, okay.

You're right.


(sighs heavily) And-and, you know, for the record...


I-I don't think that I can do better than you.

Oh, my God. Thank you.


(both moaning)


Excuse me.

Mm, sorry.

So, I, um... will get back to you about that Mm-hmm. in just a... minute.



You guys are (grunting rhythmically).

Breaking all the rules. Breaking all the rules.

Knock, knock. Are you busy?

Uh, hello.


(clears throat) Just... have a seat.

So, uh, Matt and I talked, Mm-hmm.

And it's all g-g-g-g-g-g-good.


You know, I'm going to keep it on the D-low.


The down low. The down diggity low.

Okay, I got it. Yeah.

How low can you go?

(laughs) Got it. Thanks.

XXL. Extra, extra low.

Thanks. Yeah. I got it.

Oh, I, uh, have those numbers that you were asking Matt about.

Anyway, I got to split.

But, um, I like you two as a couple.

There's something real sexy about it.

Covertly sexy.


I can't keep this up.


Everything feels so gross now, like we've negotiated with a terrorist which seemed fine until the terrorist asked me if you had dumped your files on my work chest.

Okay, look, the guy is an idiot. We can ignore him.

I don't know.


Ah, if it isn't Romeo and Juliet.

Hey, I was just thinking.

I'm sitting on a gold mine here.

So, I want your parking space and... I want, I don't know, your tie.

I mean, I don't even like it, but I'll do something with it.

I'll wrap it around my head like the Karate Kid, or whatever.

And if you do that, we'll keep it on the XXL.

The extra, extra low.

Ya follow?

We're so screwed.


Ten years of kissing ass at this place and I have to go fall in like with a coworker.

An ex-coworker.

Excuse me.

Um, excuse me, everyone.

(Matt clears his throat)

I quit.

So there's that.

(quietly): What are you doing?

I will see you Saturday.


I like this.

(Colleen laughs)

If I can't have a cell phone, you guys should at least put down yours so we can eat like a family.

(phones chiming and whooshing)

I want a phone.

You can't have a phone until you're 12. You know that.

Why 12? That's so arbitrary.

'Cause that's when you're old enough to be responsible for it.

You guys lose your phone every time you go to wine tastings.

(woman moaning over phone)

For real?

It's just a lady trapped in a lawn chair.

Forward me that.

(laughs) If I can't have a cell phone, you guys should at least put down yours so we can eat like a family.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

Yes... we should do...

Heather: Yeah.

(woman moaning over phone)

(laughing) She can't get out of there.

(clears throat loudly)

Give it.

So they want you to be 12, huh?

Seems like a long time to wait.

And the worst part is, it won't be magical when I'm 12.

It'll just be another thing to shrug at.

'Cause the little girl inside me will be dead.

She's gonna die?

She's already dying.

(clicks tongue)

Get in the car.

I cannot believe this is happening.

I'm going to be able to text you now, Pop-Pop.


Don't you dare ever grow up.

I won't have to, now.

I'll be happy forever.

Pop-Pop's little honey bunny.

Boop, boop.


(phone chimes)


Who's texting you so late?

Huh? Oh, I think it's more fun if we have our little secrets, don't you?

Oh, you're right.

I shouldn't ask if I don't want to tell.

Tell what?


(phone chimes)


How do you type a firework?

Oh, hey there, little Ms. Pocketbook.

Such a lady.


(phone buzzing)

Excuse me. Ripped one.

(phone buzzing)

That's what happens when you make me eat vegetables.

Little crop duster.

Okay, I'm calling you right now.

(phone ringing)

Ha! Look at that.

(ringing stops)

Your sweet little face pops up.

It'll do it every time I call.

Isn't that so cool?

Ooh, I love that.

All right, who's up for some ice cream?

I'm going to go call you from my backyard.

But ice cream?

I just love the Price Club.

I mean, they got everything there.

They even had a book signing last week.


The Diary of a Wimpy Kid guy.

That's so cute.

You read those...

Oh, my gosh... uh, those Wimpy Kid books?

I have to forward that.


(sighs heavily)


(sighs heavily)

(sighs heavily)

I-Is something bothering you, sweetheart?

I think I really screwed up, Joanie.

I'm too embarrassed to even tell you.

Well, use the hypothetical, if that helps.

Oh, yeah.

A friend of mine... went and bought his granddaughter a cell phone.

You dumb son of a bitch!

I said it was a friend of mine.

You have to tell Heather. You have to.

She has rules about these things.

I didn't fly in two wars to have my daughter tell me what to do.

Now, you tell her for me.

Uh, she gets really scary when she's mad.

Oh, please. Honey, it just is so dumb.

I'm sorry.

I just love seeing her happy, and I-I made a mistake.

So just take it easy on her, you know, like, give her a toy or a cookie.

Ice cream. Bring her some ice cream and then tell her.

Oh. Oh, you-you think that I'm gonna tell her.


Oh, no.

You bought her the cell phone, so you can take it away.

Have fun with that.

Maybe you get her some ice cream, a really nice toy.

Should be a good time.

Oh, no. Please.

No, she's so scary when she's mad.

Heather. Heather?

Anyway, it seems that Pop-Pops make mistakes, too, I guess.

I'm so sorry, angel.

I thought you were different.


It's okay.

I guess you have to be sad sometimes to know what happy feels like.

I got an idea.

Um... you want to get your ears pierced?



Can we go right now?

Um... Mmm.



(fly buzzing) Nope. Higher, higher, higher.

The light fixture. The light fixture.

Ah, got him. Got him.

He's playing with you.

He's playing with your mind.

I know.

(clears throat, groans)

Oh. Ooh.

Messing with you. He thinks he's bad.

He thinks he's bad to the bone. Here we go.

Superfly, I got you. I got you. I got...


(gasps) Oh, God.

(buzzing continues)

What do we do?

Um... You know what?

You know what? No, I-I refuse to be one of those germophobic, new, high-strung parents. Like, why? For why?

Okay. I don't want to do it.

You know?

So lame. No.

Who wants to be that guy?

Not me. Cool parents.

No. You know?

We're cool. We're not those people.

We're not.

Let's leave this to the crazy parents.


Crazy parents can disinfect that in some, you know, organic soap, chant a prayer over it, you know, boil it.

Me, I'm not giving it one more thought.


Great. Done. Fabulous.

Great. Right? Out of sight, out of mind.

Be right back.

Not thinking about it. I'm still not thinking about it.

That's how much I don't care.

I've never even thought about it since.

(crickets chirping)



What? What is it?


That skunk is back. He almost got me again.

The skunk is back?


Greg: We looked each other right in the eye, and then he turned his ass on me.

He let you look at his other eye.

Yeah. Winked at me.

He cock the trigger?

Locked and loaded.

Yeah, so it's-it's pretty much just been running around the front yard every night.

Oh, yeah. They's creatures of habit.

Once he got hisself a routine, he hardly break from it.

But don't you worry... we'll catch him.

And, uh, what kind of bait is... the, uh... is that?

That's Elegant Kitty cat food.

Uh, oh.

It's the good stuff.

This is expired, though.

Yeah, it's a good thing skunks can't read no sell-by date.

If he could, probably be too smart for me to catch him.

You mind if I use your john?

(clears throat)




"John" means "turlet".


Right. Right.

I wouldn't ask, 'cept it's an emergency.


Right. Um...

I'd like to do that now.

Yeah. Okay.

Uh, uh... aah.

Just, uh, come on in.

Uh, it's just right down the hall, second door on your right. Yeah.

Thank you.

I-I'm sorry, uh, can you take your boots off?

We just... We have a little baby.

I got nine kids, all boys and girls.

(squishing sounds)

(quietly): I cannot believe you let that man into our house.

His socks are leaking.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Greg: Oh, no, no, no, wrong door!

No, no, no, no!

(Lark crying)

I went in the wrong door.



Looks like he was getting up anyway.


Oh, God.

She smell like... Japanese candy.

You know, with the tic-tac-toe game on the outside.

Found it.

What is taking so long?

Took me less time to give birth.

Yeah, and you made less noise.

Well, you-you might want to have a plumber look in there.

Having some trouble going down.

I'd've pushed it if I had my boots on.

But y'all are fussy.

Uh, yeah, that's... that's okay. We were... we were gonna get a new toilet tomorrow anyway, so...

New baby, new toilet, like they say.

That's what they say. (chuckles)

That's a real cute boy you got there.

Yeah. We have to get some bows for her hair.


Ooh! I got it.

No, please... (stammers) No, no, no.

Five-second rule.

It's scientific.

No. Oh, please. Oh-oh, my God.

Germs can't live if they only got five seconds to attach themselves.



I know.


Is this cleanser too strong?

Uh, I hope so.

I bought it at the Mexican market.

There are no rules there.

No, no. I mean the fumes.

Is it too strong for the baby?

I mean, I'm-I'm sure...

I'm sure it's fine, right?

Is it?


I'll get the windows.

Got it. I'm just gonna open this door a little bit, just air her out.


It's happening, isn't it?

We're the crazy parents?


Yeah. But our baby is going to live forever.

She'll be like the Highlander.

Oh, yeah. People will travel from thousands of miles just to touch the hem of her garment.

As long as they wash their hands.

Oh, I love you so much.

I love you. I'm gonna get the back door.

Yeah, I'll get the bedroom.

Jen: Hey, did you get the baby's room?

Greg: Nope, not yet.

Jen: Smell that? The neighbors are having a party.

It's the good stuff. You can tell.

Greg: Yeah. Seriously.

Oh, look, she's so cute, asleep in her...

Greg: Skunk! (both scream)