01x07 - Nanny Tent Earrings Cheeto

Jen: Greg speaks so fondly about you taking care of him when he was a child.

I got to admit, I had a big crush on you.


So I'm heading back to work, and we're looking just to find the right person to take care of Lark.

And i don't know if you remember this, but, uh... I found little Toot Toot.

Did I toot?

I'm sorry.

Uh, no, no.

Uh, little Toot Toot's his name.

You-you gave him to me.



Uh, so w-we'll just... we'll talk it over and come to a decision, and we will... telegram you.

Jen: Oh, you're so great with Lark.

Thank you so much.

Of course.

Um, and we'll just... we'll, uh, be in touch.

Great, I'm doing a humanitarian outreach trip next week in Haiti, but I'll be available any time after that, so...

Great. How cool. Okay, wow.

Thank you guys so much.

(laughing): Okay, all right.

Talk to you soon.

Jen: Bye.


I'm so sorry.

I cannot believe that she would come on to me in front of you like that.

Back up. What?

Yeah, did you see her?

She gave me one of these.

She looked down and then up?



Did you see it?


She also gave me one of these.

I could not believe she did this.

She went...


Well, that's sensual.

And that was...


I mean...

She had her eye on the prize.

I'm not gonna spend the next three years fighting that woman off.


I didn't ask to look like this.

No, I didn't ask for you to look like that either.

So excited about this one.

The agency said it's their favorite candidate.


Hi... Oh, no, no, no, no.

Bernadette: W-W-W-Wait...

Wait, w-w-w-wait, please, please.

No, no.

Oh, hell, no... wait, wait, please.

Please, we heard through the grapevine you're in need of expert child care.

And we are specialists in the field.

You're lactation specialists, and the last time we saw you, you were stealing our baby formula.


So you do concede that we're specialists.

Uh, get out.


No, please, please, give us two minutes to explain why we are the best people to raise your child.

We need money.

We are very, very desperate for money.

We tried to sell my eggs.

But... there... there were none.

Okay, well, not the strongest opener.

We're great with kids, so... goo-goo-ga-ga.

Bernadette: We speak their language.

(imitates baby fussing)

(imitates baby cooing)

(imitates baby gag)

We actually... we spend two hours a day as babies.

Two hours?

Teddy: Mm-hmm.

(imitates baby cooing)

Um, uh, you can definitely stop speaking tha-that language.


Um, and we're not gonna hire you.

Uh, and that's obvious.

So you can just save your breath.

Not gonna happen.

We get it... we totally understand.

Just one small wrinkle.

Greg: Hmm?

Could we borrow a thousand dollars?



Could we sleep on your couch?


I think we've given you a lot to chew on.

Jen: Yep.

So we'll leave you with that.

And... possibly see you Monday.

Both: No.

Bernadette: No?

Greg: Tonita, thank you for coming.

Jen: Colleen speaks so highly of you.

We've just never left Lark with anyone for more than a few hours, so th-this is kind of a... a big adjustment for us.

I promise I will treat her like my child.


May I?

Um... yeah, okay.

Okay, come on, Lark.

(speaks playfully in Spanish)

I guess we-we'll just... go run some errands and let you two get to know each other.



All right, and we're leaving.


And come on, let's go.

Let's go.

Uh, come on.

Here we go, and we're walking.



What's the matter? She seems great.

She smells like a rain forest.

How do I know she's gonna make the same decisions I would make?

Would I make the same decisions you would make?


But you trust me with our kid?

Ye... yes.

So let's just give her a shot, okay?

Okay. All right.

Give her a chance.

Okay, I'm... yeah.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna trust her.

Okay, we're leaving.

Jen: Okay.

We're leaving.


Bye, baby.


Bye, baby.

Bye, Lark.

Okay, bye.


Come on.


Let's go.

Oh, oh, oh.

I think I might have forgotten something.

No, you didn't, you didn't.

It's my baby, y... okay.

No, you didn't.

You're fine.

Greg: Ooh, boy.

I think we found our nanny.

Tonita was singing little baby Lark to sleep, and I woke up two hours later.

Oh, yeah?

Was she singing about her time in the big house?


Ran a background check on Tonita.

Turns out she was arrested.

Okay, come on. Look.

She-she was arrested decades ago, protesting the Vietnam War at a sit-in.

Yeah, well, know what that means?


I mean, if she was a go-getter, she would have been at a march.

We need to talk.

I run a background check on you, and it says you've been arrested.

Both: What?

I always check my families... I don't know what you crazy white people keep in your closets.

Okay, wait a minute, time-out. You were arrested?

She show her boobies to police officer.

I was in college, I had too much to drink, and, honestly, if you would have seen them back then, you would have shown 'em off, too.

The Internet never forgets.

Wait, so you ran a background check on me.


That is the same decision I... would have made if I were... the type of person who did background checks on people.

Tonita, we would love to offer you the job.

I mean, if you still want it.

Oh, I would be honored.

Jen (laughing): Oh.




That was a great show.



Now we get to sleep out here in a field.

Anything's better than the garage.

You guys want to try some homemade apple and onion wine?

No, I think I'm gonna pass, man.

I'm good with my beer.

Secret ingredient is antacid tablets.

You put 'em in there for a preemptive strike.


Doesn't really seem like it's working.

Ah, tell you something, guys, I really love Tom Petty, but he is starting to look more and more like a lesbian scarecrow.


Look at you in that cool chair, man.

You look cool.


Let me try that cool chair.

You want in? Here you go.

Let me try it.

Go for it.

Greg: All right, real quick.


Best song of the night.

Oh, by...


Undoubtedly, "Won't Back Down."

No, "Running Down a Dream."

MATT: No way.

Come on, you guys got to put aside your petty differences.

(Tim laughs)

Oh, that's good.

Congratulations, you're officially a dad.

I've been sitting on that one since the drive up yesterday.

Tim: (grunts) I got it.

I got it... ooh...

All: Oh!

Oh, and we got a piper down.

It reclines! (chuckles)

Well, this dad is gonna get his first full night's sleep since he was arrested.

What? No. No, no, no, no, this is boys weekend.

We are not going the whole weekend without taking our shirts off. Shirt off, Greg.

Tim, Tim, until we need a light source, you keep your shirt on.

My arms and my neck are tan.

They're pink.

Well, they get tan next.

I'm like Neapolitan ice cream.

It's vanilla, then strawberry, and then chocolate.

Man: We got a tent dive!

Oh, no!

(cheering and laughter)

Man 2: What are you doing?

(cheering continues)

You're right, we should go to bed.

Yeah, getting late.

Let's help each other up.

Come on.

Come on, Tim, stop goofing around.

(indistinct chatter)

Hey, we got any of that gorp left?

Greg: I don't know. Just get in, okay?

Both: Double tent dive!

Woman: Ow!

Get off me.

This is the best night ever!


I'm gonna fight someone tonight!

Is that really how you sleep, man?

No, but you said I got to keep a shirt on.

Oh! I saw tip.

I'm sorry.

I saw tip.

Oh, my gosh, I think I forgot my battery pack for my apnea machine.

Oh! Oh, whoa, whoa, no!

I know, what am I gonna do?

Just get in the...

Just get in the sleeping bag, man.

That's all you got to do.

Don't worry about it.

I'm so glad you guys are my brothers.

Both: In-law.

Man: Who wants a tent dive?!

Man 2: Yeah, let's get that tent!

Which tent? Which tent? Our tent?

Whose tent? Whose tent?

I don't know.

Tent dive!



That sounded like it hurt.

Woman: Ow, that hurt!

I told you. It's the ear of a doctor.


Woman: Guys, get out of here.

Off the top rung!


Yeah, in your face!



It's the Franklin brothers all over again.

Both: Totally.

(whispering): Who are the Franklin brothers?

They were these bullies from our neighborhood that used to torture us.

They used to chase after us when we'd ride our bikes around the neighborhood.

I have flashbacks whenever I go to a spin class.

They're the reason we're so good at video games.

They made us indoor kids.

Both: Up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, select, start.

Yeah, I get it, brothers.

Yeah, you know, I looked exactly like this when I was 13, so I got bullied a lot, too, Balding kids got it rough in middle school.

Tent dive!

Here comes the..

They're tormenting an entire campsite, and nobody's doing anything.

Greg: Yes, I know.

Guys, we got to do something.

I do not want to go out there and get in a fight.

I just want to sleep.

I've never been in a fight.

I have.

Yes, it was a dance fight. I won.

No one wins in a dance fight.

Well, if we're going out there, I got a little something in my medical kit that'll stack the odds in our favor.

Heroin? Yeah, sure.

No, it's vitamin B12 shots.

It'll give us a nice natural boost, like sending back a sandwich or sleeping without pants on.

Yeah, I'm in.

Okay, yeah, me, too.

All right, gentlemen, butts up.

Oh, come on... you can't give it to me in my arm...

Do my arm. like an adult?

Butts up.

I'm the doctor.


It's weird. I haven't gone double-gun since medical school.

Yeah, do you really think it's a good idea for you to do...


Full moon fever.

(sighs) Whew! Okay.

Who wants to do my butt?

Matt does.

Matt: All right.

Ah, that's it.

Whew, I feel good.

Is this how everyone feels all the time?

I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I kind of feel like taking my shirt off.

I won't back down.

Come on.

All right.

Let's save this tent city.

This is great.

I always wanted my first fight to be with you guys.

Okay, we are gonna go out there and we are gonna rewrite history.

Yeah, we're gonna go avenge our younger wussie selves.

This happens right now!

I wish we had capes.

I wish I had pants.

I wish I had more B12.


There they are!

They're the guys that were tent diving!

Oh, no.

Let's get 'em!

Come on!


Dance, Matt!

I don't have a beat!


I thought we agreed not to give him money.

He didn't give me money; he gave me a belt buckle he said was worth $75.

Kenny Rogers got a DUI in that buckle.

All right, I'm out of here.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

What's that?

It's just an emergency kit.

Anything you might need on a senior camping trip.

There's matches, sunscreen, one of those things that shatters glass, in case your car goes into the lake and you're trapped and can't get out.

Mom, stop.

Just take it so I don't worry.

If I took it, you'd still worry, and I'd be the dweeb with the mommy safety sack.


Love you.

I love you.

See you later, Uncle Matt.

Have fun camping.


You really going camping?


Have fun camping.

Thank you so much for letting me borrow your car.

No problem. I apologize for the smell.

Oh, and the stereo's not working.

Tim's Iron Maiden CD got stuck in there.

He tried to pry it out with a crayon.


And, um, just a little something extra.

Oh, no, Heather, no, no, no, I don't need this.

You do, you do, you have job interviews next week, and you might need a new suit or briefcase or something.

I didn't realize I was interviewing for a job in 1985.

Just take it so I don't worry.


Oh, and this, too, for emergencies.

Thank you.

(sports announcer speaking indistinctly on TV)

And I couldn't press charges against them because apparently, in Florida it's not illegal to put an alligator in someone's bed.

Oh, man, I love Florida.

The whole state's like one of those restaurants where you can throw peanut shells on the floor.


Oh, your earrings are so pretty.


Oh, thanks, Matt got 'em for me this afternoon.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh. Oh, did he?

He got those for you today?

Like, noon?

And then after, he gave you those big earrings. Wow.

Wow, must be getting serious.

I think so. (chuckles)

Unless he cheated.

But honestly, if he did, it's a fair trade.

I-I think a little more wine, 'cause I like wine.

And you... can you help me in the kitchen right now?


Please? Let's go. Come on.


I gave Matt some money this morning to help him out with a job interview, and now she has new earrings.

Wait, Matt asked you for money?

No, but I knew that he knew that I knew he wanted to ask me.

It's a sister thing.

Does Greg give him money?

No, 'cause you won't let him.

Everybody knows that.

I never said that.

What else does Greg say I don't let him do?

Um, ride a tandem bicycle, wear overalls and buy a stormtrooper costume.

Only one of those things is true, but two of them should be.



(sports announcer speaking indistinctly on TV)

Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Yeah, I-I can't do this. Hi.



Did he tell you that I gave him the money to buy you those earrings?


No, he did not tell me that.

I-I don't care, it's just that I-I need you to know that.

So, I, yeah, I guess I do care a little bit.

Heather, I didn't use your money on those.

Did you use what I gave you?

I thought we agreed not to give him money.

You gave him money?


No, he didn't give me money.

He gave me a belt buckle he said was worth $75.

Kenny Rogers got a DUI in that buckle.

I didn't give him any money.

And why is that? And before you answer, just know that I know.

Do you know that I want a stormtrooper outfit?

I'm also aware of that, yes.

Heather, those are my earrings from my Billy Idol phase.



Oh, yes, I... now that you say it, I remember, oh...

I don't take your money because I need it.

I take your money because you need me to take it.

(laughs) That-that is not true.

No, honey, that's true.

Even I know that.

Okay, y-yes, that's true.

But it's only because I worry about you.

And I need to know that you're okay.

I'm gr... I'm great! Look, look, okay.

You know what? I was gonna wait until Greg had some news that I could one-up, but he's...

He's got nothing.

I might get a stormtrooper outfit.

Nothing. So, I got a job today.

(all cheering)

It's at a graphic design company.

It's in my field, and you know, for a group of nerds, they actually seem like they're pretty cool.

I'm so happy you got a job, because it sounds like there's no cute girls there.

In graphic design? None.

To Matt!

Yes! Yay!

May your new job bring you great joy and a new place to live.

All: Hear, hear!

All right.

There's somebody I want you to meet.

Uh, someone that I'm hoping you'll welcome into the family.

(all gasp)

Why did he call all of us here?

Do you think he's sick?

I don't know, it's big.

Mom has wine in her coffee mug.

So do I. Do you want some?

I thought you'd never ask.


Kids, there's somebody I want you to meet.

Uh, someone that I'm hoping you'll welcome into the family.

He's got another kid. I knew it! I've always known it.

My dad makes the same announcement every couple of years.

Christmas is getting very expensive.

(laughs): Guys, stop it.

Do you have another kid, Dad?

What? Well, uh... kind of.

I made a puppet!

(all gasp)

Well, see you in a month, sleep.

His name is Cheeto.

Is he cute or what?

Retirement has been really hard for your father.

And so we're just thrilled that he found this wonderful new hobby.

Aren't we?


Yeah, yeah, yeah. I found something I'm really good at.


Oh, whoa!

Uh, this just pops right back on.

Now, I'm gonna carve a puppet for each one of you.

This one is for Baby Lark.

Oh, no, that's... but... (stammers) that's not fair to all of the... puppet lovers here.

Cheeto decides what's fair.

I see.

(Cheeto voice): I want to be with Lark!

It's talking.

But, you know, you can give him any voice you want.

Oh, okay. There's options.


(Cheeto voice): Oh, now I can eat a goat.


(all chuckling)

Know what my dad's hobby is?

Greg: No, what?

I have no idea.

But I'll tell you what it's not... building nightmares.

Greg: Your dad also booed our wedding dance.

Greg, she's not old enough for a blanket.


Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! She's here, she's here, she's here, she's fine. It was just a joke.

You think it's funny screwing with the only thing I love?

The only thing?

Yeah, now.

But did you see I-I put him in a... diaper?


That is a fresh prank!

Well, she didn't want him in the house anymore, so can I bring him by later today?

Sure, he can live in the closet like my brother.

I'll see you.

Thanks, Tim.


Hey, how we feeling today, Mrs. Abernathy... ?


(Tim laughing)

Oh, a new classic.



Hey, Cheeto.

Greg: Hey, honey?

Have you seen my... ?


Oh! Oh, my eye!

Oh, it's in my eye.

(all laughing)

I mean, he won't have depth perception for a few weeks.

(laughing): But it was totally worth it.


Somebody wake up Matt.

Kickoff in ten minutes.




Heather: Make sure you can see his little hand, so it looks like he's gonna rip your face off and wear it as a mask.

Oh, that is so Cheeto.

(all laughing)

Hey, guys.



Weren't you just... ?

(Colleen screaming)

Greg: Dad, stop.

Heather: Wait, it's a joke.

You went and picked the wrong house, you piece of...


Cheeto? Aw.

Well, you all think this is a big joke, don't you?

Well, if everybody thinks he's garbage, well, then he's garbage.

No, John, just...

Honey, wait.

My kids, listen.

Our house is filled with every pinch pot, every slumped-over mug that you ever made.

And we cherish them.

Because they came from you and it doesn't matter if they're grotesque.

Oh. You think he's grotesque?

Did I say "grotesque"?


I didn't... it... he makes me want to drink.

Well, I know he's ugly, but I made him out of their tree.

What? You did?

Yeah, you said you wanted a baby swing in the tree, but then when we had to chop it down, I figured the tree would live on in-in Cheeto.

All right, go, go get him out of the trash, Greg.

We love Cheeto, Dad.

Look how he's brought everybody together.

I mean, he's been more fun than when you discovered the Urban Dictionary.

Yeah, that was a pretty dope time.

Heather: Come on, Dad, I mean, we had no idea what Cheeto meant to you.

Do the Cheeto voice.


Oh, no, I got...

All (chanting): Cheeto! Cheeto! Cheeto!

(Cheeto voice): Can I braid your hair?


That's our Cheeto.

We really do have such a special family, don't we?

They are a good bunch, huh?



How can you do that to your own dear wife?!

You know what? That really is fun.

Joan: You know?

The laundry chute is right over Matt's bed.

What a good idea.

This is great.


Matt: Aah, son of a bitch!