01x15 - Soccer Gigi TV Mikey

Hey, Soph, how was the game?

We lost again.

(groans)

Our new coach sucks.

I'm filling in for the old coach, who left to... chase the dragon.

I know what that means.

You do?

He went to play soccer in China...

Oh, yeah.

And chase that high... of winning.

Which he can only do on heroin.

She kept asking me why rock stars are so skinny.

What am I supposed to say, diet and exercise?

Ooh! You should coach Sophia's soccer team.

You're great at soccer, you don't work on the weekends, you are oddly competitive about hings that don't matter...

More competitive than you are.

Please, Uncle Matt?

I don't like being a loser.

I can relate to that.

I would love to coach your soccer team.

There you go, Jackson! Good job!

All right.

Keep trying, Sophia.

Why didn't you tell me "good job"?

Because if I said "good job" when it wasn't a good job, hen my words wouldn't mean anything, and I always want to make sure to ell you guys the truth.

Hey, Coach Matt...

Hey.

Are my parents going to get divorced?

Oh, I don't know.

They seem pretty in love to me.

That's my nanny.

(shouting, cheers)

There you go, Jackson! Be aggressive!

I brought orange slices for the kids and homemade muffins for the adults.

Oh, I'm too nervous to eat, I just...

I'll hold those for you.

Oh. Thanks.

Hey. Put Keifer in.

Everyone's supposed to play equally.

If Keifer played equally, hen he would be in.

But his, um, his head's not really in the game.

Keifer! That might not be your gum!

(whistle blows)

(kids shouting indistinctly)

Come on, man, play him.

I need something to post on Facebook.

Is she yelling at him?

Yeah.

Oh, hell no.

Yeah. Yeah, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Let-let-let me do it.

I-I-I speak angry parent.

Okay, I'll follow you.

If it gets rough, I'm not afraid to throw down.

I went to college in Vegas.

Good to know.

He's really good.

Okay, um, hi.

He's really freaking good.

Hey, guys, listen.

This is Matt's first game.

Mm-hmm.

So let's all take it easy on him.

Why don't you guys just go relax, have a muffin.

Your husband ate them all.

Okay, here we go.

No, no, no.

Here we go.

Colleen, he-he did, he ate all the muffins.

Actually, will you go check on him, please?

'Cause he's lying down in the back of the car.

Okay.

All right, just... I just got...

I'm gonna be watching.

Yeah, you'd better walk away.

Okay.

(groans)

Thank you.

You are welcome.

Those sports parents are crazy.

Man...

Um, but Toby out there... super mellow parents.

When you bench his slow ass, you can put Sophia in and see what she really can do.

Oh, I know what Sophia can do.

Yeah?

Yeah.

When you gonna put her in?

When I need somebody to pick daisies and count ladybugs.

No, you're gonna put her in, because you're the coach and she's your niece. You put her in!

No, it doesn't work that way.

Yes!

It works the way I say it works! I made you!

(knocking)

Hey, guys.

Hey, Coach.

Oh, hey, Coach.

(sighs)

I'm sorry I didn't get you any game time today.

I got too wrapped up in winning and, uh, and so I'm gonna let a new coach take over.

You're quitting?

I'm leaving to spend less time with my family.

But we won.

We don't care if we sit on he bench the whole time.

You'd rather not play and win than play and lose?

Yeah! We get a pizza party when we win.

You can't quit, Uncle Matt.

Yeah, I need a positive male role model.

My dad's a struggling artist who lives in his parents' garage.

(cheering)

Yeah!

Yeah, yay!

Way to go, Jackson!

Way to dominate!

Hey, listen, um...

I could watch Sophia sit on a bench in my kitchen and not have all this sun damage.

Put Keifer in! He's getting sick eating all that bench gum.

Thank you, parents, for being so vocal with your suggestions, but we are now providing comment cards, effective immediately.

Go Bobcats!

This is a terrible idea.

Write it down.

I can't even spell some of the hings that I want to write.

I can taste that pizza already.

Now, do I have to read all of those cards?

No.

I'm gonna shred 'em and put 'em at the bottom of my hamster cage.

(door closes)

Oh, my beautiful great-grandson!

Mwah!

And look at this pinup girl. (clicks tongue)

You look like you should be painted on the nose of a bomber!

(both laugh)

Cream cheese on toast.

You like raisins?

Oh. Uh, that's...

I call it turds in the snow.

(both) Sure.

Clementine: I'm sorry to hear hey took away your driver's license, GiGi.

Sons of bitches.

I'm taking 'em to court.

And by the time I'm done, I will own the DMV, and I will burn it to the ground.

But enough about my customer service issues.

My great-grandson is getting a brand-new 1997 Town Car.

It's so generous of you.

Well, I need the parking place anyway, for my organ.

My neighbors don't appreciate good music.

Woman (muffled): The walls are very thin, Shirley!

Shut up, Bonita!

I'm gonna sue her.

This place is awesome.

It's like a cruise ship hat doesn't go anywhere.

Would you mind if I get more turds, please?

It's blue under there.

We'll take it to a car wash.

After we write some swear words on it.

Tyler: Oh, no, no, no, no. Um, uh... it's actually okay the way it is.

We need to get to a concert, anyway.

Not with a dirty car, you're not.

I have a coupon.

Come on, I'll show you how all the doodads work.

You see that code pad on the door?

You don't even need a key.

It's like a spacecraft.

What's the code?

I don't know.

Just don't ever lock it.

You like it?

It's so comfortable, I feel like I'm driving a couch.

Yeah.

I could, like, completely lie down in that backseat.

Yeah.

Gigi: Your great-grandpa and I used to take a road trip up o a taco stand in Oxnard.

Oh, the best you ever tasted in your life.

Yeah?

Winston used to put some in the icebox.

And then, every one in a while, he'd take one out and surprise me.

He was a good man.

He sure was, GiGi.

Well, I guess we'd better get you home and get to our concert, 'cause, uh, doors open in 15 minutes.

I have to pick up a prescription first, and get some of my diabetes candy.

You mind, honey?

Yeah. Sure.

As long as we're quick.

Here you go.

Co-pay?

There's no co-pay.

You'll hear from my lawyers!

She has lawyers?

That's what she calls the guys who bring up packages to her condo.

Ms. Pirkle...

Save it for the judge, short eyes!

I want to talk to someone who is not you!

Hold on.

Go! Go! Go!

Just charge her card like we always do?

Mm-hmm.

Well, it's been a great day.

You two go on to your program.

And park far away from the dance hall so the greasers don't steal your gas.

Maybe now that you two have some wheels, you'll come visit me sometime, huh?

Of course.

We'd love to, GiGi.

You know, Radiohead will probably be on tour again soon.

Hey, GiGi?

You hungry for a taco?

A taco sounds delicious.

Yeah, I've never been to Oxnard.

What's in Oxnard?

This couch, I feel like it's, like, your second wife.

I mean, it's new and it's perfect and it gives you everything you need.

But you know what? Let's see how firm it is when it has a baby.

Okay...

Jen: What?!

That is an insane way to end the episode!

Greg?

What?

Go to bed. You're falling asleep.

No, I'm not. I was just resting my eyes.

Come on, hit me. Hit me with the recap.

All right, um, okay, let's see.

Oh, there was an ambush in the town square, and the terrorist ended up being a woman.

Greg!

What?

You fell asleep during my recap.

No, uh, honey, I'm...

Come on!

Come on, I mean, I'm now here.

I'm awake, I'm awake.

Okay, time for bed.

What? Okay.

That's fine.

It's your loss.

I was ready to binge.

Hey, honey, I am so sorry I passed out last night.

I don't know what happened.

I mean, that's just what you do.

If you're in front of a screen, you pass out.

That's not true.

It's one of the truer things I've said.

I mean, you fell asleep watching the TV at the gas pump.

I told you that's 'cause of the fumes.

Honey, it's just, we don't get hat much time together anymore, you know, that's, like, just us, and I, I miss that.

Okay, I am sorry.

I'll try harder, okay?

Okay.

Tonight, I'll have a double espresso.

(indistinct chatter on TV)

Greg?

Oh, I sort of...

Give me the recap.

Okay, well, it was super crazy tonight.

Um, there was this guy and he kept falling asleep.

So she decided not to wake him up again and to just let him sleep cramped on the couch.

B-B-B-B-Breakfast!

Uh, good morning.

How was the couch?

Oh, I slept so good. So good.

Look!

Lark and I got four different kinds of carrots at the farmers' market.

And for the toothless set, she got a smoothie.

Isn't that right, Lark?

Or should I call you Spider-Girl?

Jen: What, you waited in hat face-painting line?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I brought her home and I did it.

If you want I can give you something.

I can give you a rainbow or a prison tear or you can be the drumming cat from Kiss.

It's amazing what you can find on Pinterest.

Oh!

Frittata?

Your favorite.

(sighs)


(indistinct chatter on TV)

(sighs)

Man: I just don't know who o be more disgusted with.

(grunts)

(whoops)

When did you get a serve?

You're the guy who calls ennis "sportsball."

I haven't had this much energy since that time I chugged a Pixy Stick that urned out to be cocaine.

It's incredible.

So, are we gonna keep yapping here or are we gonna play some sportsball?

Hee!

Yeah!

Game, bitch!

Where you going? No, no, no. That's only the first game.

That's just a taste, man.

You can't handle a full meal of that.

Come on, son.

He snuck out of bed in he middle of the night.

I mean, I'm so cold.

I never realized how much heat he generates.

I can't believe your relationship's gotten so stale already.

Mmm.

Well, I don't, I don't know if I'd call it stale.

You know what you need to do?

You should try my grandma's rick to keep her bed warm.

You fill a sock with rice and you microwave it.

I don't think a sock full of rice is what I'm looking for in a husband.

(microwave humming)

(beeps)

(indistinct chatter on TV)

(screams)

(panting)

(groans, spits)

What's, uh, what's going on?

My rice husband broke.

What?

(shushes) Just warm me.

Hey, honey?

Why don't you just go move over to the other couch?

Get some sleep on that, huh?

That way we can both sleep?

You don't want to sleep with me anymore?

No, no, no...

'Cause I, I miss sleeping with you.

And I feel like you don't miss me.

I do, I miss you.

Really?

Yeah.

'Cause, like, this couch, I feel like, it's, like, your second wife.

I mean, it's new and it's perfect and it gives you everything you need.

But you know what?

Let's see how firm it is when it has a baby.

Okay, honey, I think you're just tired, okay?

Why don't you just go back o bed and go get some sleep?

So, what, we're just gonna, like, sleep in separate rooms now like my Hasidic grandparents?

Well, they've been married for 86 years.

And they've never seen each other's nipples, Greg.

Okay. Um...

Well, look, there's got o be some solution here so we can both get what we need.

(indistinct chatter on TV)

Come here! (laughs)

I got you! Say it!

Come on, say it.

I gots a wagina.

Yeah, you do!

Ah...

Hey, babe, can you pass the lox?

I'd love to pass the lox, but Greg forgot it.

Oh, but he brought the baby, and that's much more important than the lox.

We'll just bring in the muffins.

Matt, would you mind?

Forgot the muffins.

Matt!

Matt...

You've got to do your part, honey.

(screaming)

(screams)

Hey, guys!

Joan: Cousin Mikey.

I didn't know you were coming.

Is that for us?

Mikey: Oh, yeah!

I got him on eBay!

From an old petting zoo.

I was the only bidder.

Unlock the front door.

Well, kids, this'll be fun!

(darkly): Mikey's here.

Who's Mikey?

Mikey's our cousin.

You need to get your purse.

Let's go, come on.

Go, go, go, go.

Let's, uh, let's go.

Should we ask why he brought a pig?

No, no, no! No questions. Unless you want a two-hour answer.

Tim: Come on, out back, before Mikey starts elling stories about how in some states he could marry your mother.

Wait, what?

Go! Move it!

Mikey: Aunt Joan!

Come here! It's Mike, come here!

Oh! Oh, oh, oh!

(whoops) You're lighter than a pig.

Ready?

Yeah.

One, two, three.

Go.

Greggy!

Greggy... !

Come here.

Mikey. Hey, listen, uh, just so you know, I have his thing with my neck.

Yeah?

I'm not blaming you, but, you know, the doctor did say hat it was from previous roughhousing, so...

Come here, come on.

Please.

Come here! (laughs)

I got you! Say it.

Come on, say it.

I gots a wagina.

(cracking) Yeah, you do.

Ah.

(clears throat) That never gets easier to watch.

I can't believe you're letting that idiot dig a hole in our backyard to roast a pig.

I know he's really annoying, but... but every family has a Mikey.

John: Oh, yeah.

Remember my Uncle Carl?

But this is a little different.

Uncle Carl murdered three people.

Yeah, but before that, he was really annoying.

Joan: The last thing I promised my sister was that I'd always be there for Mikey.

I'm not gonna turn my back on him now.

(loud thunk) Oh!

Oh, no.

Think I hit a gas line!

Oh...

She's dead now. She won't know.

No, we're good!

It's just the sewer!

(laughs)

Yeah, that's poo.

Ew.

(knocking at door)

Oh! Cousin Mikey!

Hey, I've been knocking for, like, 20 minutes. I didn't think anybody heard me.

How are you?

I'm good.

Do you remember when we were kids, we used to play, uh, Dancing Cheek to Cheek?

Huh? Do you remember that?

I...

Right? Come on let's get one for old times' sake.

Ah! Cousin Mikey! First cousin Mikey!

Heather's first cousin!

Hey.

What brings you to our house, first cousin?

Well, you know, I got Norm cooking over there and he's not going to turn himself.

Norm?

The pig. Our pig.

And I've got shifts for everybody.

5:00 to 6:00, 6:00 to 7:00, 7:00 to 8:00, 8:00 to 9:00, 9:00 to 10:00...

Oh, unfortunately, we're not going to able to make it because we are leaving tonight.

Yeah.

For...

Cruise.

Uh, uh...

No.

No, that family camping trip.

Camp.

Oh.

Okay, come on, kids, let's go!

Time to camp!

But I don't have any shoes on.

We're gonna make 'em out of wigs and leaves. Let's go.

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Yeah, out the door now.

Okay.

We'll talk about it outside.

Let's go.

Heather: We're so, so sorry!

Bye.

Tim: Let's go, whoo! Beat the traffic!

(knocking at door)

Oh, hi.

Hi. Can we hide out here?

Yeah, we're trying to avoid Mikey.

And your house is really hard to hitchhike to.

Join the party.

Matt: Where's Tyler?

I was so baked.

No chance my guys were swimming.

You tell me: I mean, should I submit to the paternity test?

I don't know, Mikey, I'm 17.

Mom?

She went camping.

Oh.

By the way, saw a picture of your girlfriend on Instagram.

Dude. Come on!

You didn't tell me you were dating twins.

Get it up there. (laughs)

(loud knocking at door)

It's Dad.

Dad, get in here.

Were you followed? Did anyone see you?

What are you kids doing over here?

Your mother's all alone over there babysitting Mikey.

Tell her to come hide out with us over here.

Your mother would never hide from family.

And you all should be ashamed of yourself.

She needs you right now.

Huh?

(groans)

Sorry, sorry.

I'll drive you.

Hey, wait a minute. Dad?

You coming?

He's not my blood.

Well, in that case...

Ah, here you go.

Hey, uh, Mikey...

Yeah? his isa little, um, tough on my back.

What... Oh, oh, okay. (chuckles)

(groans)

Sorry.

Thank you.

Here.

Why am I wearing this thing?

Oh.

I don't know what happened. I texted each one of them, gave hem their pig times.

No one responded.

Oh... Whoa!

The cell service here can be a little spotty.

Might be this phone I stole in Mexico.

Joan: I'm disappointed hey're not here, too.

I'm not gonna lie, it's been really tough, you know, with my mom gone.

And I just want to say that... (sniffles) it's really nice to be with you.

(laughs) (sighs loudly)

Does Heather ask about me?

Uh, she's married, dear.

And she's your first cousin.

I know. I just have a screen saver of he two of us in a bathtub, and it...

Joan: Oh, my kids!

You came back!

You came back!

Ha-ha! Mwah!

(indistinct chatter)

Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

Thank you.

Mm-hmm. (chuckles)

Ah!

Oh, okay.

Oh, eat it, eat it.

Oh.

Oh!

Those are testicles. That's an honor.

Okay, whoa.

Oh!

Ooh.

Oh, it's so warm!

(phone ringing)

(groans)

It is for you.

Thanks.

Bueno.

(chuckles): Ah.

(speaking Spanish)

Sí.