02x15 - Awkward Automated Bra Ordained

No. Come on. You cannot cancel and make me have dinner with Matt and Colleen by myself.

They're your family.

(groans) Can't be helped.

Back went out again.

Look, don't worry. Maggie's already here, watching after Lark. Don't pass up this golden opportunity.

Go out. Have some fun.

How?

I mean, Colleen is great, but she has to pee every 15 minutes.

And then it's just gonna be me and Matt with nothing to say, except for him, you know, complaining about how all the food on his plate is touching.

Matt is such a baby. Ah.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Uh, mac and cheese, please?

I've never been alone with Jen before. It's gonna be awkward.

And, besides, she eats all weird, with all of her food intermingling and everything.

Well, I don't have a choice. I had to fire Doris.

She's been writing her name on sandwiches that aren't even hers.

I wasn't saying the sandwich was mine.

I was saying Doris is the sandwich's name!

You go have dinner with Jen.

(grunts)

Oh.

(sniffs)

I have egg salad.

(phone beeps off)

Hey!

Hey! (chuckles)

(chuckles) This is crazy, huh?

This is nuts.

So Colleen is... she's not coming.

(chuckles) Nope.

Not coming. So crazy.

No. Wow. Crazy.

And Greg, you know, with his back, just lying on the floor like a virgin on her wedding night.

You know?

Oh, no. Do you feel like you need to get back to him?

Would you mind? Because, you know, Not at all. it's just my heart breaks for him.

Of course. Of course. Mine, too.

Yeah.

You know, I really need to get back to-to the studio. I have a deadline due. so... yeah, but...

Do you? Oh.

(groans) You know? I was really hoping I know. to get some alone time with you.

(groans)

Me, too. I know. But, you know, next time... let's just, like, Yeah, yeah. make a whole night of it. Right?

For sure.

Or...

(scoffs) Why even stop there?

We're gonna make it a weekend.

How 'bout Vegas? (laughs)

Hey!

(chuckles)

There you go.

Oh, excuse me. Could I ask you a question?

Uh, my mom's Chinese, my dad is black.

Wasn't my question, but...

Matt.

(gasps)

Uh, I thought you were going to your studio.

Would you believe that the whole world is my studio?

I would not.

Would you believe I lied to you to get out of having dinner with you?

I would. Yeah.

Hmm?

'Cause I did the same thing.

(both laugh)

I'm sorry.

Um, Two Christmases: How to Talk to Your Child about Divorce. Oh...

No. Oh, no, no. I just... this is just what happens when you wait over a year to get someone a wedding present.

Ah. (exhales)

What are you doing here?

Uh, you know what, I was actually looking for the book that Colleen and I wrote together, Oh. but, uh, I can't seem to find it.

Maybe they sold out.

I mean, they only had six copies, but, eh...

Is it those six?

Hmm?

"Buy one, get five free"?

That's a little bit of a slap in the face.

Look, I even signed this one at the book reading.

Why would Ollie have returned this?

"Ollie, I've had fun reading this!

I hope you have M.S."

Maybe you should try signing the full name from now on.

Yeah. (sighs)

Well, it's not your fault. Honestly.

I mean, this is all about marketing.

Like, look at lame Sunshine Funshine over there.

Matt: Oh, yeah. It's Teddy's Pick. Your book has to come from some big publisher that gives Teddy lots of money.

I think I know who Teddy's next pick might be.

Can I help you find something?

Can you just read me the list of... every book you have in the store?

It's just I'll know it when I hear it.

Salesman: I'm gonna need at least an author, a subject, or a title.

Oh. Yeah. The problemo is I have a very bad memory.

So I just don't want to have to take a boat trip down the... Amazon.

Don't say that word in here.

Why? Afraid it might... Kindle my interest?

Aardvark's Adventure, uh, by Tina Yothers.

Nope. Nope, nope, nope, nope. That's not it.

Just rattle 'em off. But slower, though.

Okay.

Just 'cause it's... Uh, English is my second language.

Aardvark's Adventure 2: Learning to Love My Nose.

Very important book to me and my family.

Aardvark's Adventure 3: Shakespeare Meets the Bard-vark. Aardvark's Adventure 4: Which Bathroom Do I Use? Aardvark's Adventure 5: An Aard Day's Vark. Aardvark's Adventure 6: Stop Calling Me Anteater. Aardvark's Adventure 7: Hanoi, Here We Come by Tina Yothers.

Yep, yep, that's it.

Awesome.

Okay.

Wait, I'm just gonna buy it online.

Matt: He kind of looks drunk.

(both laugh)

Can you believe a few hours ago we thought it was weird to have dinner together?

I know, we were crazy.

So crazy.

And I'm starving.

Me, too.

Let's go.

Yeah, come on.

(laughing): Okay.

This is our best table.

It's nice and warm over here.

Not that you two need any heat.

I should really go check on Greg.

Yeah. I need to get to my studio.

Let's go in.

No one tailgates at Princesses on Ice.

No, you got to keep eating.

This year, we're not buying one single thing inside that overpriced rip-off of a venue.

Think they can just slap a pink crown on the side of a bucket of popcorn and charge $25?

But I don't want to eat anymore.

This candy's making me jittery.

You got to eat through it. We're gonna head in as soon as your mom's done changing her bra.

I thought she only did that when we need a better table at a restaurant.

This is a beverage-smuggling bra.

Helps us beat the system.

We have a problem.

Yeah, we have a problem. We raised quitters.

No, look, you can totally see my wine rack.

Well, why didn't you put it on at home so you could tell if your clothes would cover it?

Because, babe, I am not gonna warm up the Chardonnay!

What are we gonna do? Listen, I am not gonna be extorted again by Big Ice Skating.

I don't like the way you're looking at me.

(sighs)

(giggles)

This is like when I was nine and you made me sit in the stroller to get the kids' price at Disneyland.

Yeah, be thankful you weren't the one wearing the Donald Duck hat full of salami.

I don't want to sneak wine in for you.

You always tell us to respect the law.

Hey. You're not drinking the alcohol.

There's no law that says a child can't carry it.

Yes, there is.

Okay, you know what, that is a dumb law.

I hate this.

I can't go to jail. I can't even share a bathroom with Sophia.

Stop freaking out.

I'm glad I didn't know you in high school.

Purse, please.

No, no, no! Don't run! If you fall, it pops and we lose it all!

(sighs) She couldn't handle the pressure.

That's 'cause you went to the wrong girl.

Strap me in, boss.

Let's ride.

Oh, come on, these are the stories you'll have...

What do you think?

I am really...

Oh, that is so disturbing.

Take it off. Take it off right now.

(sighs) Fine.

See you girls in high school.

Oh, my God.

Everyone says you know the exact moment when your childhood ends.

How do my boobs look?

And that was it.

If I'd had these puppies in high school, I would have gotten to second base a lot sooner.

Is it pulling my shirt open in the front?

Yeah. I-I hate it when it does that. You know what?

I'm-I'm gonna drink it down a little bit.

Get that tube out.

Just whip it out there.

Tim: There you are.

Heather: Okay.

(both mumble indistinctly)

Yeah. Just don't...

Don't bite it, though.

(slurps)

What? Shh...

Hey, buddy. My eyes are up here.

Purses on the table, ladies.

Would you look at all that alcohol? I cannot believe people would try to sneak that in here.

This show is for children.

And weird middle-aged men.

Go on in. Thank you.

Hey, hey, hey.

We did it.

I know. We beat the system. Look at those fools up there pouring out their money.

They look so stupid.

Dad, your boobs are leaking.

Oh, no. Oh, honey.

What? (gasps)

Oh, you-you didn't close the valve off all the way.

Oh, no. Drink it.

Oh, God.

Oh, it's going into my bellybutton.

No.

Drink it, drink it, drink it before it gets in my crotch and it's ruined.

Oh, oh, God, just...

(Tim groaning)

Temperature to 70 degrees.

Female voice: Thermostat set to 100 degrees.

Well, at least we got her back to English.

There you go, sweetie, play with your toys.

Oh, spider.

Nope.

Ah, got him.

Oh, okay, there it is.

Oh. That was a ladybug.

Yeah, but we're keeping Lark safe.

That's what matters.

Jen: Right.

Oh, no.

Wh... Lark!

Lark.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no.

Lark.

Lark. Open the door, sweetie.

It's okay, you're not in trouble.

Okay. We just have to stay calm.

Call the fire department.

What's all this?

Oh, I am installing Bluetooth locks on the doors so that we do not get locked out again.

You sure you're gonna have time to do that after you bring your monster to life with lightning?

I told you, all inventors have work aprons.

But you wore that to Starbucks this morning.

Well, yes. Because when I wear the green one, they think I work there.

Okay, love you.

Love you.


Put on my theme song.

Hit it
♪ Here comes the hot stepper ♪
Murderer
♪ I'm the lyrical gangster... ♪

(groaning)

Oh, I'm gonna be here a while.

♪ Na, Na-Na-Na-Na, Na-Na-Na-Na... ♪

(Greg groaning)

♪ Na-Na-Na-Na... ♪

O-Oscar!

Oh. Hey, Greg.

What are you doing?

I-I ain't peepin'.

I was just settin' up your gopher traps.

What?

I was peepin'.

Okay, uh, look.

Uh, will you come in here and help me up?

I pulled my back out.

Just open the door.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, there you go.

That's not safe.

(groaning): Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.

I got you.

Ooh... sorry.

I'm good. Ow, ow, oh, oh, oh. I'm good.

It's okay. It's all right.

Okay, now I just need those pain pills to kick in.

Hope you don't mind, I took a few for myself.

You know, for-for my nerves and my addiction.

Yeah, sure. Knock yourself out, the cleaning lady does.

Oh, look at that. You got Smart-locks.

Yeah.

You know, me and the wife, we just put in a "turlet" you can flush from your phone.

Watch this.

I just flushed it... you can't see it, but I flushed it.

Take you at your word.

Now I'm putting a fanny washer on.

I hope my mother-in-law ain't on there again.

She got a weak heart.

Wow, Oscar, I'm really seeing a new side of you.

You didn't strike me as the kind of guy that's into home automation.

(phone beeps)

Oh. Oh, she was on there.

Yup, I woke her up.

Oscar?

Oh, my God, have you been living up there?

No.

I was just helping Greg with a little DIY situation.

I know a lot about them, 'cause, uh, I had three DIYs when I was in high school.

Greg: Oh, hey, honey.

You're home.

Yeah. Hi, Greg.

I thought you said it was just the locks, and also we agreed that Oscar is an outside friend.

Well, yeah, well, we finished that, but then it was so easy to add on.

I mean, now we got music, and security cameras, and thermostats.

I mean, it's gonna be like living in Epcot.

The theme park from 1985?

Female voice: Setting thermostat to 85.

Oh. Wow.

Cool. Well, thermostats are neat, but maybe just don't go any further.

But, honey, we're so close to living in the future.

But we can't really live in the future.

Greg: Yeah.

Oscar: Right?

We was getting deep on that.

I've also gotten pretty deep into some pain pills.

Greg: Hey, honey.

Look up and smile to the camera.

(chuckles)

I can see you on my phone right now.

This is so cool.

Oh, you look beautiful in fisheye.

Cool. Yeah.

Do you think you could just unlock the door, though?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One second.

Okay.

Let me just...

Oh, man, my phone just died.

Well, you can just use your hands.

Ugh.

Greg?

Uh...

Unlock front door.

Female voice: Door locks offline.

Uh, uh, hold on, one second. I just got to get a charger.

Why is it so hot in here?

Uh, uh, change temperature to 68 degrees.

Thermostat set to 100 degrees.

Greg: No.

Greg.

Lark needs to be changed, and, honestly, if you don't open this door, I might need to be, too.

Yeah, okay, honey.

I'm trying to open the door, okay?!

It's just nothing is working.

Yeah. I'm sensing a theme, Greg.

Playing "Greg's Theme."

Wh... no, no.

Hit it
♪ Here comes the hot stepper ♪

Greg?

Murderer...

Damn it, no. Honey.

Let-let me just work it out, okay?

Playing "Greg's Workout Mix."

No, no, no, no, no.

Greg's voice: Come on, Greg. Come on, Greg.

You can do it. You're huge. Get jacked!

Pump it. Pump it up, buddy.

Are you working out?

Greg's voice: You can do it.

Greg, honey.

Just open the door.

Greg's voice: Come on, Greg.

I promise you're not in trouble, okay?

Greg's voice: You can do it.

Okay, okay. I'm trying.

I mean...

Greg's voice: Come on, Greg.

(groans) You can do anything you put your mind to.

Oh, no. Greg.

You're huge. You can get more huge.

Oh, that can't be good.

Honey, I need you to call the fire department.

Female voice: Fire. Fire. Fire.

Greg: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Greg's voice: Yeah, there you go, Greg, you can do it.

Now get even more jacked.

I want you to stand by me during the ceremony.

I'd be honored.

And hold Tank... she's my best man.

Colleen: It was so beautiful.

And I was just trying to hold it together because I was officiating the wedding.

And also I am a really ugly crier.

Right, Matt?

No. What?

You're so beautiful all the time.

Hey, what happened to your engagement?

Matt: Yeah, you guys made such a big deal divorcing to make a statement, and then you steal my thunder during the proposal.

She was crying. Beautifully.

Well, we-we did get our marriage license, and, uh, and I got a bow tie that is sexy as fudge, but we s... just haven't figured out when to do it.

It's just hard to find a time when we can get everybody together.

Right. Well, except for every week, when we have brunch for hours.

So, are you really an ordained Mexican?

Minister.

Oh, interesting.

(chuckles) Okay.

Interesting.

(whispering): Do you feel anything yet?

No, do you?

No.

Joanie.

Joanie, let's get married.

Now?

Why not? We're all here.

Uh, I think Matt left.

Whatever, we can do it without him.

I'm sitting right here.

Oh, hey, Matt. Great!

We can't do this without you, bud.

Joan: We-we just can't get married like that, on the spur of the moment.

We don't even have any doves.

Except the dead ones in the chimney.

Mom, we don't need doves.

Listen, we can do other things.

Sam can take care of the decorations.

Clem and Tyler, you guys should be in charge of the cake.

Shouldn't we be doing music?

Yeah, if you give us a few minutes, I think we're gonna play really good.

Heather: No, I'm playing a song for them, as my gift.

Matt, you should move all of the furniture.

Alone?

Oh, and, Jen, honey, you have white on.

Probably want to run home and change.

Oh, yeah, that's a good call.

I'm gonna do that and I'm definitely gonna come back.

Yay, another wedding. I am totally getting my seven dollars' worth out of this online ministry.

Excuse me, I have to change. I'd planned on wearing gardening clogs later, but that won't work.

So, John, what are you thinking... traditional vows, you want to write your own?

You know, anything past "I do" seems a little desperate.

Oh, no, Dad, you, you really got to write your own vows.

I mean, you know how much Mom cares about gestures like that.

It's why I always write her one of my Gregmark cards.

Isn't there a song that goes along with that card?

Yeah, it goes...

(sings a tune)

It's not that good, but it's the thought that counts.

Yeah.

(phone rings)

Oh!

It's my friends Hank and Poppy, that I married.

Mm. A minister's work is never done.

Hello.

Hey, Greg.

Yeah?

Help me with the vows.

I got nothing.

Just speak from your heart.

Well, I got the closer. Now rhyme "Joanie" with "ride her like a pony."

But, uh, how do I make it more... romantic?

Maybe just keep thinking.

Ah.

I really don't see how looking at my vows is gonna help you.

They are extremely personal.

I just want to study the structure.

Oh.

Wow, this is steamy. Well, I mean, we were planning on eloping, so I was hoping I'd be reading these things to her in private.

More like into her privates.

We're done here.

Colleen: I am so sorry. I had no idea.

Hello? Hello?

Oh...

What's wrong?

I can't marry your parents because I couldn't even marry my friends.

Hmm?

So, apparently, that certificate I got on that Russian Web site... it wasn't valid.

Wait, weren't they saving themselves for marriage?

Yes.

I'm gonna feel so bad if they go to hell.

Oh...

What do we do?

We're gonna do the right thing.

Okay.

We are gonna let my parents' marriage be a lie, and we are gonna take this secret with us to our graves.

I have never felt closer to you.

I love you so much.

Mom-Mom?

Why are you eating my secret candy?

Because I couldn't find my secret cigarettes.

I don't know what's going on with you, but you can't just sit here and eat candy.

You're right.

Because I should communicate my feelings openly.

No, because that's my candy.

(quietly): So pretty.

(loud, off-key melody)

(saxophone screeches)

Hey, your mom looks kind of tense.

Oh, no, that's just the face she makes when Heather plays saxophone.

(saxophone screeches)

And even though I'm the one marrying you, the real marriage is in your hearts.

Just remember that if anything, you know, comes up in the future or anything.

And now the vows. John?

I'm up first?

Uh-huh.

I'm kind of used to being the topper, but okay.

Joanie, I don't have the words to describe your beauty, or the way my heart does a little jump every time you walk into the room.

Even if I did, it wouldn't do justice to the love between us.

(clears throat)

Yeah, Dad, let me just talk to you in private real quick.

Yeah, sure.

They're getting married, Matthew.

Does everything have to be about you?

Well, when he's using my vows, yeah, Greg.

What?

Those are your vows?

Oh, my gosh, those are for me?

I-I'm sorry, Joanie. What if I had said, "Joanie, Joanie, ride her like a pony"?

Stop!

Look what you did, Matt. You ruined it.

Oh, no, no, no, no, Mom, really, it's okay.

Dad can use my vows.

Honey, no, no, no, no, no.

John, I love you so much, but I'm not able to marry you.

Thank God I'm not the only one.

What's his name, Joanie?

It's John.

Somehow that makes it worse.

No, it's you.

What?

You know, I've had a lot of patients that stay together just because they're married.

But every day we make a decision to be together.

That means so much to me.

Why do we want to mess with that?

Well, works for me.

Wedding's canceled, huh?

(laughter)

Congratulations, you're still not married.

Joan: Yay!

Colleen: Kiss him if you want to.

Ooh, best man peed on the rug.

(playing Mendelssohn's "Wedding March")

(applause)

Do you feel anything yet?

Nope, I think we got ripped off.

Yeah.

Worst wedding ever.