01x02 - Hell Week

Munsch: There was a time when a college dean had real power.

♪ ♪

(bleats)

The university was a kingdom unto itself, like a church in the Middle Ages.

Crazed killer.

Serial killer.

Cathy: If a student got murdered, the dean had the juice to keep the press quiet and the cops from making a scene.

Dean Munsch, tell us about the murder.

What can you tell us about the murder?

We can confirm that an incident occurred that may have injured one of our students.

We need some information.

(reporters clamoring)

But I can tell you that the campus is open and classes are resuming and frogurt is back, after popular demand, in the dining hall.

But in the age of Twitter, students were Instagramming pictures of the crime scene and posting narcissistic Facebook posts about where they were when it happened before the police even arrived.

I've got news for you, self-involved junior, just because you know a guy who was in class with a dead girl's roommate does not mean that it could have been you.

Reporter: Dean Munsch...

Munsch: There's an exodus right now.

Kids don't feel safe, parents don't want to take a chance, and the press is calling me Dean of Murder U.

Munsch: Well...

Not on my watch.

Girls, this is Detective Chisolm.

He's here investigating the beheading that happened in your garden last night.

Where is Ms. Bean and Chanel #2?

It is pretty suspicious they're not here.

Well, as far as I'm concerned, all of you are suspects.

It was only a matter of time before things got out of hand at the sorority and someone got killed.

We don't want any of you leaving campus until we get to talk to all of you, get a better sense of what happened.

Y... You can't keep us prisoner here.

No, he can't.

But none of you are excused to leave.

So, if you do, you will be graded on every missed test and class assignment.

And this investigation could take weeks, which means it's most likely that you will fail out of college.

Wh... Gigi, you can't let her do this.

If someone is targeting you, they're gonna find you wherever you are.

You know? And at least if you're here, you can keep an eye out on each other.

We can make it fun, huh?

Like a Friends episode.

But someone's, you know... trying to murder all the friends.

Munsch: Good.

Then it's decided.

Detective, there's a sushi bar that I love...

You guys, Gigi is right.

We have to move into the house. It's the only way we can look after one another.

That's insane, okay?

Pledges cannot move into the house.

The risks are real, but we need to close ranks.

If any of you die while protecting a sister, you're allowed to skip the rest of Hell Week.

And I'm gonna hire security.

I don't feel comfortable with a man protecting me.

It's representative of the patriarchal, post-colonial culture that encourages violence against women.

Gigi: Always... saying what everyone is thinking.

Ladies...

I got this, okay?

I got it.

We've got to get rid of the body before the new security guard finds it.

Ideas. Go.

We buy a pig and feed it the body.

Pigs will eat anything.

Oh, yeah, Number Five, let's just mosey on down to the hog district and bring home a 400 pound sow.

That's not conspicuous at all.

My uncle owns a dairy farm in Wisconsin, and they have these poop lagoons.

They're, like, ten feet deep, and in winter, they freeze over.

And my uncle told me and my sister, like, "Don't go skating on those poop lagoons, because if you fall in, you'll drown in the poop and come springtime, there'll be nothing left of your body."

Do you and your sister have some form of intellectual disability?

Because if I encountered a lake of frozen poo, literally the last question I would ask is: can we ice-skate on this?

Hester: I know what you should do.

This isn't what it looks like.

She's asleep. Chanel #2 is asleep.

Don't worry, we're sisters.

(whispers): I won't tell anyone.

When I was six years old, my father died, and my mother made me kiss the body at his funeral.

Ever since then, I've been obsessed with death.

Here's what you should do.

Pulverize her teeth, burn off her fingerprints and disfigure her face.

Once her body is unrecognizable, we can create an incision on her inner thigh and drain out all of her bodily fluids.

That'll give us more time to deconstruct the body.

Ew! What?!

Because truly grinding down a body takes a lot of work.

You need a really good food processor, and you run the risk of fouling the plumbing, which is why you should only do it if you know how to clear out meat and bones from a drain pipe.

Each of these plans has its drawbacks, but don't worry.

I'm willing to help in any way possible.

You're obviously a psychopath and those ideas are insane!

So, no, we won't be putting her in a food processor or boning her like an enormous chicken.

We're gonna put her in the meat locker for now and revisit the question when I'm not totally grossed out by you and feeling like I'm going to barf.

Okay.

Grab the duvet and wrap her up.

(all grunt)

Hester: We should touch her.

If we touch her, she won't haunt our dreams.

Wait, why would she haunt our dreams?

And if her eyes are open, she'll take one of us with her.

Take with her? What the hell are you talking about?!

Why are you trying to terrify us?

Can I call you Mom?

What? Please?

I feel so loved and protected by all of you.

Wait, you want to call all of us Mom? That's insane.

And super confusing.

Actually, it's a new pop culture trend where young women desperately in need of role models call other girls they look up to Mom.

Lorde's fans call her Mom.

I thought you'd be cool with it.

I mean, I did just give you several ways to dispose of a body.

Fine, okay, you can call all of us Mom.

Let's just lock the body in here and forget any of this ever happened.

Wait, Mom.

We shouldn't lock her in here. If we do, her soul will be able to escape, and then it'll follow us around.

Okay, fine. Just stop talking.

You are so friggin' creepy!

Ladies, this is Officer Hempville.

Officer, we are so happy...

Excuse me.

Where did you find her?

Well, I knew we needed a top-notch security company, so I let my fingers do the walkin'.

I checked the Yellow Pages.

What's that?

Officer, we're terrified.

Okay? Someone just mowed off a deaf girl's head in our backyard.

Well, ladies, you have nothing to be afraid of so long as I'm around.

Though-though technically, I'm not a police officer.

I mean, as you can see, I'm not licensed to carry a sidearm.

I am employed by Secure Enforcement Solutions, which is private contractor hired to work in tandem with campus security.

Wait, so you don't have a gun?

No, I do not.

But I do have... a nightstick, okay?

I have pepper spray.

And I have a walkie talkie that I can use to call the police, who do have guns.

What good are you?

We can call the police ourselves.

Well, with Denise Hempville on the scene, you're not gonna have to.

Now, I-if there is a killer on this campus, Denise Hempville's gonna make damn sure that everybody in Kappa House is safe and sound until that killer is brought to justice.

How?

I'm glad you asked.

With the Secure Enforcement Solution three step program.

Right? Step one.

If you are in danger, scream Denise Hempville's name real loud.

I will be on the premises at all times, and I will come a-runnin'.

Now, let's just say you screamed Denise Hempville's name and I do not come a-runnin'.

That means I'm not on the premises.

Okay? In that case, proceed to step two.

Call 1-866-KLJ-0199.

Okay? I will be notified immediately and come a-runnin'.

Wait, sorry, what...

Yeah. Hold on.

Now, if... if you can't get through to the 866 number because of long wait times and such, then what you're gonna want to do is proceed to step three.

Get the hell out of there. Run away, real fast.

Are you serious?

Yeah, run away, get out of there, scram! Okay?

And when you get to a place that is deemed by you to be safe, call 1-866-KLJ-0199.

All right?

Now, I would give you my number, but my cell phone is off right now.

But if you call the 866 number... boom, on the walkie.

They can always get me.

We need to go over the steps again?

(clears throat)

Zayday, must I remind you that this is Hell Week, which is the time to prove you're worthy of being in this house.

There's not enough soap in your bucket.

Can't get the floor clean without suds.

If you want the place clean, maybe you shouldn't have burned the maid's face off.

You have no proof of that.

I will go get more soap.

You should probably bring a flashlight.

(grunting)

(gasps)

(sighs)

What the hell, plebe?!

Oh, God.

Only the president has the key, and only she can get inside.

Don't you wonder what's in there?

Get upstairs.

I mean, a secret hidden door that only one person has the key to?

Pete: People have been whispering about that house for years, that it's haunted, that something really bad happened. I mean, there's no way there isn't some real-life story behind it, right?

And if something did happen there, there'd be records in the dean's office, right? Old files.

I'm gonna have to break in.

I'm gonna have to break in.

Whoa.

(chuckles) What? What-what was that?

Uh... uh...

I don't know. Um...

But... but we probably... we can't do that again until we've figured out what's happening, because, um... be-because people are dying.

I see your point. Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh. I mean, I don't think anyone's gonna get killed in the 30 minutes we make out, right?

Can you stop talking?

You're kind of ruining whatever was good about it.

Right. Thanks.

Uh... okay, look, you go back to Kappa House.

I sneak into the dean's office, okay?

And then we will meet here with whatever info we gather from illegally breaking into private and school property.

Yes. It's a plan.

Oh, and, Grace? Just... be careful, okay?

'Cause, uh, I'd really like to kiss you again.

(chuckles)

Mr. Gardner. Can I call you Weston?

Call me Wes. Is this Scotch?

It's 10:00 a.m.

Uh...

(sighs)

Please try to understand the situation I'm in.

This is a national university.

We have thousands of staff, tens of thousands of students.

And a shutdown of a single week would tank the entire local economy, and I'd be out of a job.

I don't give a rat's ass about your job.

Have you even talked to your daughter about this?

You know I met with Grace.

She is a... a wonderful young lady.

And it appears to me that she would rather stay with her sisters.

Well, um... honestly, I don't care what Grace wants.

It's my job to keep her safe.

And the best way to do that is to keep her here, at school, where she is under round-the- clock protection.

Look.

Let's just say... worst case scenario... there is a crazed serial killer on the lose, a-a... a cannibal who skins his victims and cooks them and sells them as food.

Wh... What?

And let's just say that that cannibal is targeting only Kappa House.

Would you say, in that case, that your daughter is safer here, on campus, walking to classes with a big group of friends, and then coming home to a house under constant protection from armed guards, or is she safer living off-campus, isolated, alone, with no one but you to watch out for her?

(sighs)

Mr. Gardner, I know you're scared, and I want to assure you that you have nothing to worry about.

Uh, there is no serial killer on the loose.

And if there were, your daughter would not be a target.

I can guarantee that.

I understand you're a widower.

That's right. (sighs)

I'm so sorry.

And I want you.

What?

To understand that I'm here for both your daughter and you.

And I'd be happy to help you with... anything you might need.

I don't know if you know this, but I'm a professor.

I want you to give me a job on campus so I can be near Grace.

I will do anything to make sure she's safe.

You know, I find good parenting incredibly attractive.

(door creaks)

(metallic clink)

(gasps) Oh.

"Kappa Kappa Tau...

Party Mix"?

"Waterfalls"? What?

(door opens)

Oh.

Oh. (gasps)

Oh, my God. You scared me.

You're a snoopy little bugger.

And I don't like snoopy little buggers.

What is all this stuff?

This is where Kappa keeps its darkest secrets.

And now that you've seen them, I have to kill you.

Would you please? I'm kidding.

Whose bloody clothes are those?

(sighs)

Allegedly, like, 20 or so years ago, a girl died in this tub.

It wasn't down here then.

It was up in one of the bathrooms.

She had a baby during a party, and the sisters let her bleed out because they were having so much fun.

That is awful.

I don't know.

Supposedly, it was a super fun party.

Anyway, her dying isn't even the best part.

The best part is how they supposedly covered it up.

Woman: What's wrong with her? She looks awful.

She's dead.

Okay? What the hell are we gonna do?

Maybe we can drop the baby off in front of the emergency room, and then run away, and then we can just act like what's-her-name died of natural causes.

You idiot, they can do tests for childbirth and stuff.

We're all gonna pay for this.

Well, somebody certainly is.

How the hell did you find out about this?

(sighs)

Nothing happens in this house without me knowing about it.

Dean Munsch covered all this up?

I think it's all crap.

Just a myth.

You don't believe that.

You think it's real.

How do you know that this isn't somehow related to what's happening now?

Let's face it.

You don't have to go back 20 years to find someone the sisters here pissed off enough to go homicidal on us.

Wait. Um, you don't just expect me to let this go, do you?

Actually, I do.

(door opens)

What happened to the baby?

Chad: Mm-hmm. You like that?

Chanel: Yeah, it feels so good.

Chad: That's it. Sometimes I picture myself like Derek Jeter, you know?

Yeah, Jetes. I'm gonna switch it up. Mmm.

I'm gonna choke you out.

Chad!

There's a serial killer on the loose.

Please don't say you want to choke me.

Okay.

Geez. Sorry.

Uptight.

(both moaning)

Chad: You like that?

I'd love having s*x with your corpse.

What?!

What did you just say?

You just talked about a serial killer.

You made me picture it.

Okay, you know what?

I'm sorry. This isn't working for me.

You know what I could really use right now?

A boyfriend!

Well, I sort of am your boyfriend, and I'm protecting you by having s*x with you.

No! I don't need a man to protect me.

How could I have wasted this much time?

Is my self-esteem really that low?

I'm sorry. I think we need to take a break.

What does that mean?

It means exactly what you think it means.

I need you to leave right now!

I'm sorry. Are you breaking up with me, Chad Radwell?

You're breaking up with Chad Radwell?

(sighs)

You're gonna be sorry.

Nobody breaks up with Chad Radwell.

(groans)

(sighs)

What's going on?

You are not gonna believe this.

Chanel broke up with me.

(scoffs) What a bitch.

She doesn't realize how good she had it. So stupid.

(sniffles)

Look, don't worry, bro. Don't worry.

She's gonna come crawling back to you in no time.

Good night, Boone.

(groans)

Hey, Chad?

Yeah?

(sighs)

I'm really scared.

You know, with the serial killer on the loose.

Just having trouble sleeping.

You know what would really help me feel... feel better?

If... if... I could just, like, crawl in bed with you?

Hey, Boone. (sighs)

Do you remember that time there was that big thunderstorm, and you were really scared, and you asked to crawl into bed with me, and I was a little weirded out, but you're my little bro, so I said okay, and then... You tried to touch my wiener?

Yeah.

One of the least fun things in life is when your gay bro... he's gay, and he knows you're not gay, and he tries to touch your wiener anyway.

Yeah, Chad, I know.

All right, I said I was sorry.

A one-time thing.

I'm just... Just really scared.

You know, it would really help me feel better if I could just crawl into bed with you for a few minutes.

Are you gonna touch my wiener, or you gonna leave my wiener alone?

I'll leave your wiener alone.

BFFs. Get over here.

Where are your hands?

On the frog.

(toy frog croaks)

Yeah. Good night, Boone.

Night, Chad.

Get away. Come on.

Chad?

Chaddy?

You must be so upset. I...

Chaddy, I'm here.

I think we should talk.

Perhaps I was a bit too rash or...

Oh! Oh.

This is not what it looks like.

He has a huge boner!

(sighs) Boone.

Chanel. Okay.

I can't believe this.

You're gay?

Uh, no.

Boone was scared, so I let him crawl into bed with me, 'cause he's my bro.

He's your gay bro who has a big boner for you.

Why don't you go in there and ogle his big old broner?

Okay, uh, first of all, I'm not gonna go ogle his big old broner, because I'm not gay, Chanel, and you better not tell anybody Boone's gay... even though he is... because golf frats aren't big on gay dudes, and because we like hitting golf balls with the gay-straight alliance kids, and I would like to keep doing that.

And second, look, I'm sorry everybody wants to have s*x with me.

Okay? I can't help that.

News flash, Chanel: I'm hot.

Everybody wants to get with this.

Women, men, animals in the zoo, plants, probably.

And if you can't handle that, then you're just gonna have to go.

You're gonna have to go right now, 'cause I am breaking up with you.

Excuse me.

I broke up with you!

Oh, really? What are you doing here, Chanel?

(sighs)

I regretted what I said, and I just wanted to come here and tell you that I am so sorry.

Well, I accept your apology.

And now I'm breaking up with you.

What?! Do you know why I'm breaking up with you?

Because you are a spoiled, homophobic little girl who can't handle the fact that everybody on campus just wants to get with me.

You can't deal with how hot I am.

So you need to get out, because we are over. I'm breaking up with you.

No.

Sorry, I just broke up with you.

Bye.

Come on, come on, come on.

(groans)

"Kappa House Party."

"Greenwell."

Greenwell.


(church bell tolling in distance)

(grunting)

Hey, man, can you... (clears throat)

Hey, c-could you please help me?

(camera clicks)

Really?

Come on, man.

What does "MYOB" mean?

Pete: "Mind your own business."

It means we're onto something.

I know we are. It turns out, a girl died in the Kappa House 20 years ago.

She gave birth in a bathtub, and the sisters just let her bleed to death.

I mean, the best part is Dean Munsch covered the whole thing up.

Huh.

Maybe these names I found are related somehow.

Yeah. Um, they mean...

Uh, yeah, I mean, this-this must be it, right?

It's the 20th anniversary of-of what happened.

They're only targeting Kappa sisters.

Can you please put some clothes on?

(stammers) I'm... I'm sorry, what?

Um...

Oh. (chuckles)

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Um... yeah, I think I'm still kind of... out of it from the... ah... from-from my wound, you know?

Um, they said, uh, I shouldn't be alone, you know, in case I fall asleep and die.

Can I just get you a robe or something though? Okay.

(gasps)

What?

What the hell is this?!

So... I'm the school mascot during football games.

What?

What? What's wr...

That's the disguise the killer wears.

I saw it. He was stalking me the other night.

So you're saying I'm the killer?

I mean, you-you hate Kappa, Chanel said you were a crazy stalker, and you have the outfit.

I thought you were the one person in this school who knew I was a good guy, Grace.

That's what that house does to people.

Okay, this isn't about me thinking you're boyfriend material.

But I am boyfriend material.

How old are you?

19. I'll be 20 next month.

Oh, my God. That's exactly how old the baby would be if it grew up.

No, stay away from me!

God, I was so gonna go to third base with you tonight, too.

Damn it! Oh, yeah?

Well, how old are you?

18! God!

(sighs)

What if we stapled their earlobes?

No. Too easy.

I only want to haze these pledges if we're gonna haze them in a fresh, exciting way.

Boone: Chanel, can I talk to you?

In private.

Private like the parts on a man you like putting in your mouth?

(snorts)

Okay, fine.

Here goes.

I know you're gonna destroy my reputation on campus by telling people I'm a secret gay.

Mm. And I'm gonna get kicked out of the Dollar Scholars House with nowhere to live because the world of golf doesn't really dig on gay dudes as a rule.

You've been talking for a while.

I want to publicly come out as gay on my own.

And then join Kappa.

(scoffs)

I mean, you guys have to accept everybody, right? No.

No, we don't have to accept gay dudes.

I actually think that's illegal.

No.

We're doing it.

What?! Chanel... Chanel, that's crazy.

I am a future network news anchor.

That involves a little thing called the media, which is, like, chock-full of gays.

If I presided over the first sorority ever to accept a gay, imagine how far that would get me with my future gay makeup person, my gay wardrobe person, not to mention my creepy, gross, gay viewers and weird, gay higher-ups.

No, no.

No way. This isn't happening.

Chanel, you are not thinking clearly, okay?

Accepting a gay will hurt the house, and he's gonna steal all of our expensive makeup and toiletries.

Boone, Chanel is my best friend, and if you choose to bring shame on her and Kappa House, I will come after you, do you understand that?

I will destroy you.

I trust you'll consider my offer.

(scoffs)

(scoffs)

(panting)

♪ ♪
♪ Denise is my name ♪
♪ Security is my game ♪
♪ I got to watch these white girls ♪
♪ So I can get paid... ♪

(yelps)

Shondell! Hey!

(laughing)

Shondell, you scared the mess out of me!

Girl, you know you're not supposed to be sneaking up on nobody like that.

Ha!

But if you gonna sneak, I'm glad you got that Burger Shack.

Okay!

You want a Shack Burger or Double Shack Burger?

You know I want the double.

I want the double.

Okay. You got it.

I thought you had to work.

Ain't nothing going on at no Best Buy parking lot.

Name one bad thing that ever happened at a Best Buy parking lot.

(both laugh)

Girl, you got that right.

Yeah, hear?

You got that right. There some ketchup in there?

What is it?

There's someone in that car out there.

That's the new security guard.

What? No. Different car.

Jennifer: Is that the killer?

Grace: No, that's not the killer.

That's my dad. He's been keeping an eye on me.

I'll go talk to him.

Wait. Let me.

I'll try to... give him some peace of mind for you.

(sighs)

(singing to music): ♪ Tell me have you ever really ♪
♪ Really ever, ever loved a woman? ♪

Whoa!

(sighs)

Can I help you?

Sorry. I'm...

You're just, like, super attractive.

Um, I'm Gigi.

I'm national president of Kappa Kappa Tau.

I was just hanging with your daughter in there.

I was like, "What's he doing?"

Oh. (chuckles)

Um, well, I was trying to be inconspicuous.

I... I didn't want to embarrass her.

Oh, she's not. She's very touched.

Yeah, well, if it was up to me, I'd pull her out of school.

I mean, who cares about losing a year, right?

It's better than losing your life.

My advice, just as a girl...

Mm-hmm.

Maybe give her some space.

You know, my shrink says these kids are the most messed up of any generation he's seen 'cause their parents have made life so easy for them.

It's like they can't handle adversity.

Adversity?

I wouldn't call a crazed serial killer adversity.

They have security.

Come on.

Really... good... good security.

I don't know. I just... I just feel like she's, uh... she's pulling away from me.

Actually, like-like she's pushing me away.

You know, it's just part of growing up.

It happens.

♪ And I... ♪
♪ Will love you ♪
♪ Will love you ♪
♪ Baby ♪
♪ Always. ♪

What? (laughs)

Are these all male power ballads from, like, 1995?

What? Yeah.

No, that's exactly what this playlist is called.

No. No, I have a thing for playlists.

I have a thing for playlists.

Stop it!

I'm, like, Mr. Playlist.

You are so cool.

(chuckles)

Wow.

Hey, do you want to, like, get a coffee or...?

Uh, I would love to.

Cool.

(engine starts)

Whoa. What do we have here?

Look, Chanels.

Someone's got a poo belly.

(timer dings)

Oh!

Time for another mayonnaise shot, ladies.

Hello, hood rat.

Sweet Yeezus, I don't even know where to begin with you.

Bitch, I'm about to smack you so hard, your tampon's gonna pop out.

Oh. Hold on.

Number Five, the pledges are yours.

I'm gonna go to my room for a sec to fetch some white eyeliner so I can write legibly here on Zayday.

(chuckles)

Cheers, ladies.

(glasses clink)

(snoring softly)

(woman screams)

Shondell, did you hear that?

I heard screaming.

Shondell, I'm going in the house. Mmm.

Keep your walkie on.

Shoot.

Chanel: He was there!

He was in my room!

Denise: What's going on?

I heard screaming.

A Red Devil!

A guy in a Red Devil costume attacked me!

I was just looking for white eyeliner so I could draw on Zayday, when all of a sudden, there he was, trying to push me out a window.

(screaming)

(grunting)

(screaming, shouting)

Denise: So you think the serial killer is still up there?

Yes!

Okay, well, then let's go. Go where?!

Upstairs to get the killer before he gets away!

Ah! Nah!

Nah! Nah!

Hell nah!

You just said that you think the killer is up there, and that's where you want to go?

That's insane!

What you need to do is run out this door.

Denise, we're going upstairs.

Come on.

You dumb girls are so stupid!

Y'all gonna get yourself killed!

Uh...

I'm-a stay down here, and I'm-a...

I'm-a guard the door, that's what I'm-a do.

Make sure don't nobody... nobody get in.

Nope. I'm... I'm-a have to go-go to the car.

Shondell!

Girl, the killer is in the house!

(gasps)

(all screaming)

Closet's clear.

No one's here.

This is freakin' terrifying!

The killer is in the house! You hear me?

Shondell, the... Oh, crap.

I sprinted too fast. (panting)

I got to catch my breath.

Can you bring my inhaler out the car?

(panting)

Shondell? Shondell?

Shondell, did you hear me?

I need my damn inhaler.

I told you to keep your walkie on.

The killer is in the house.

(screaming)

Shondell, why you got a knife in your throat?!

(Denise continues screaming)

(tires screeching)

(Denise grunting)

Oh, shoot.

(Denise continues screaming)

Shondell!

Yeah, you got this.

♪ ♪

(sniffing)

(footsteps)

What, am I supposed to be scared?

And I'm gonna get so pissed tonight.

Oh, dude, you're just gonna get pissed?

Don't even come out.

We plan on getting drunk, and I don't want your bad attitude ruining it.

Hey, Boone, let's go!

We're headed down to White Stallion to pick up some sluts, baby!

Boone, come on! Let's go!

(high-pitched screaming)

(all screaming)

Chanel: Congratulations, stupid hippos.

If you make it through this banquet of delicious Oriental foods, you are officially done with Hell Week. Maybe.

And now, let us all sip from this communal bowl of Chinese lemon soup.

De-licious.

Hold on, y'all. That's not soup.

I just saw you wash your hands with that.

Zayday is correct.

I just used that finger bowl to wash my hands, something I didn't do all day, despite having dropped turdlets off at the pool twice.

Grace: This is insane.

We are not drinking your filthy hand water, Chanel.

I will.

I will drink the soup, Chanel. I will.

I will drink it all.

Zayday: Can we stop with the gross, weird hazing for a second and talk about what I thought we were sitting down to talk about?

That there's a serial killer on campus and we need to figure out who it is.

(sighs) Chanel, we all actually saw you kill Ms. Bean, remember?

So, right now, you're my prime suspect.

Chanel: Yes, okay, I burned her slightly, but stop saying that I killed her.

I wish I had, because now she's walking the Earth with a burnt-off face, murdering people.

Ms. Bean is obviously the killer!

Well, did Ms. Bean maim and viciously disfigure Melanie Dorkess last year?

How dare you?

That was a tragic accident.

I am a kind and devoted and loving friend to all.

I'm not some crazed psychopath.

If anyone here's a psychopath, it's Neckbrace.

Oh, my God, thank you.

What's your alibi, Gracie, huh?

Maybe you're the killer.

Yeah, where were you when Deaf Taylor Swift had her mowed off?

Well, you weren't there either, Chanel.

Enough!

I will not be put on trial.

The truth is we don't know who the killer is, and, yes, I suppose it could be someone in this room.

Now, call me old-fashioned, but I choose to believe that we are sisters who are in this together, bound by a sisterly duty to protect one another and to protect the proud traditions of Kappa House.

Now, can we please get back to drinking my pooey hand water?

Everybody listen up. Chad has something to say.

Chad!

(panting): Hold on. Everybody... listen... listen up to me first.

Whew.

Sorry.

Chad: No, take your time.

You want to go first?

Not now. Just do your thing.

Okay.

My friend Shondell was murdered last night.

The killer stabbed her right in the face.

Denise Hempville freaked out.

Nobody came a-runnin'.

So I grabbed Shondell, and I pushed her right out of that car.

I drove away real scared.

And now the body is missing.

What?!

Right!

Look, uh, Chanel...

(sighs) look, ever since I broke up with you, I... I banged, like, 50 chicks.

(sighs) Also, my best friend, Boone... ooh, he is dead.

♪ ♪

(door creaks)

♪ ♪

(chuckles)

What took you so long?