01x01 - Josh Just Happens to Live Here!

♪ I'm as corny as Kansas in August ♪
♪ High as a flag on the Fourth of July ♪
♪ If you'll excuse an expression I use ♪
♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪
♪ I'm in love, I'm in love ♪
♪ She's in love ♪
♪ I'm in love with a wonderful guy. ♪

(applause)

When I sang my solo, I felt, like, a really palpable connection with the audience.

And-and I know that it was, like, a bummer my mom didn't show, but in that moment, it was like everyone was my mom.

You know?

(scoffs) Ugh, whatever, she's just pissed because I didn't do the mock-trial summer intensive.

Ugh, she wasn't even gonna let me go here, but then I called my dad on his honeymoon in the Bahamas, and I told him I was having suicidal thoughts, so, ta-da, here I am.

(sighs)

Josh, session B has been a whirlwind, and you've been my rock.

You've awakened my sexual being for the first time.

I never knew that two people could be so connected.

This has been the best summer of my life, and you're the reason why.

Okay, let's talk schedules.

So I'll visit at Christmas, and then I think...

Woman: Josh, you ready?

Um, my mom and dad are here.

Ugh, my mom is laz', per the us'.

(chuckles)

Um, this-this has been a great summer...

It has been the best summer. Yeah.

But, uh...

(car honks repeatedly)

Ugh, grande dame arrives.

Okay, I'll be right there, Mother!

I'm sorry, you were saying?

Well, with school and baseball, uh...

What?

Wh-What?

(car honks)

Good God, Mother. Are you trying to kill me?!

Uh... What?

I-I just think that we're just really different, you know, um, like, you're, like, really dramatic and, like... weird.

I don't know.

I-I think maybe we should take a break.

No, no... (stammers)

What? But I love you.

And-and thanks for that.

I mean it.

Man: Come on, Josh.

Uh, bye, Rebecca.

I'll-I'll see you around.

No, no, but...

No.

What?

No, I'm not dramatic.

I'm not, I'm not dramatic.

(car honks)

Oh, my God, shut up, you stupid bitch!

(car honks)

Mother: Damn it, Rebecca, is that a hickey on your neck?

Okay, look, keep in mind, anything happens, we go right to the abortionist.

Nothing, nothing, is going to ruin your future and your career, you hear me, Rebecca?

Are you listening to me?

Your future is all that matters.

(over the phone): Rebecca, it's Mom.

So did you win the Corcoran case?

You want that promotion, don't you?

It's very important.

It's what we've been working so hard for.

(chuckles)

I've said that a million times.

Eh, I guess you don't care what I think.

I'm sure you told your father and that whore at Tucker's seventh birthday party.

Anyway, I got to go.

Today the dermatologist is telling me if it's cancer.

Bye-bye.

Woman (on TV): What are you waiting for?

Spread it, indulge.

Ask yourself, “When was the last time you were truly happy?”

(elevator bell dings)

(indistinct conversations)

Ugh, good morning.

The guys from Corcoran call back about the loan approval yet?

They've been taking forever.

What? What's wrong?

Laura wants to see you.

Oh, God, why?

You're getting promoted.

To partner.

Right now.

Now?!

It's a surprise.

But no one told me.

Because... surprise!

Wow, um... wow.

This is great, wow.

This is fantastic, right? I know.

This is just objectively fanta...

This is objectively fantastic.

Like, on paper fantastic, right?

Wow.

Wow, w-w-wow, wow.

Wow.

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

I-I'm sorry, I just need to get a smoothie.

(groans)

Yeah, I-I didn't have any breakfast, and I-I get weird when I don't have protein.

I'm just... I'm just going to the...

I'm just going to the deli on Broadway.

This is great.

I'm so happy. Mom's gonna be so happy.

This is what happy feels like.

Happy just feels great and amazing.

This is definitely what happy feels like.

What's wrong with you? This is what happy feels like. Okay, okay.

Okay, all right.

In case of emergency, in case of emergency...

Break glass in case of emergency.

Okay, okay.

Okay, okay. Okay.

Ugh.

Dear God, I don't pray to you because I believe in science, but I don't know what to do.

Give me guidance.

Please.

“Ah-men.”

“A-men.”

“Ah-men”?

(siren chirps)

Policeman: Hey, keep moving!

Keep moving, now.

What a weird ad campaign.

Josh Chan?

Choir: ♪ I'm in love. ♪

Josh?

Josh! Josh!

Rebecca Bunch? (laughs)

Oh, my God.

Oh, my gosh.

Josh Chan, appearing out of nowhere after, what, I mean, ten years?

Wow.

Wow.

Oh, my God, this is weird.

Right?

Yeah.

This is... this is... this is so weird.

Yeah, I haven't seen you since...

You-you didn't come back the next summer at camp.

Oh, yeah, my mom made me do mock trial, and then I did it the next summer, so...

You know, I'd always hope I'd run into you one day.

I mean, we had such a good time that summer.

Yeah. Uh, you probably don't even remember it.

No, I remember some...

I-I remember all of it, yeah.

I remember all of it, yeah.

(laughing): Of course I do.

(laughs)

Um, so, what?

You live in New York?

Yeah, the last eight months.

Dude, we should... we should hang out.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Actually, I'm moving.

Oh, moving.

Yeah, I've been trying to make it work here in the Big Apple, and one day I realized, why get stuck in a rat race?

I mean, what's the point, right?

And it's so awesome back home.

You know, so chill.

So relaxed.

Out there, everyone is, you know, like...

I don't know, it's-it's like they're... happy.

(echoing): Happy, happy.

Happy.

Where are you from again?

West Covina, California.

91791.

(imitates explosion)

West Covina, I remember that.

That's near the beach, right?

Yeah, only two hours, four in traffic.

Just, you know, I just like to kick back, get beers with my buds, skateboard.

Oh, yes, skating on boards, fun.

Yeah.

Man, if I'd known you'd turn out to be so successful and hot... (laughs)

Let a good one get away, huh?

Choir: ♪ I'm in love. ♪

Anyway.

Uh, so take care.

Yeah, yeah, let's-let's get a drink... Oh, God, of course.

Hello, you just said you're moving... right, we can't, yeah.

But, hey, if-if you're ever out west...

Yeah.

Look me up, okay?

Okay.

See you around.

Okay, bye.

So weird!

Right?! Right?!

Choir: ♪ I'm in love ♪

Josh (echoing): Everyone is happy, happy, happy.

♪ I'm in love ♪

West Covina, California. 91791.

♪ I'm in love with a wonderful... ♪

Rebecca, you are the hardest working young lawyer we have ever seen.

You work 24-7, you've never taken a sick day.

We know that this job is your whole world.

These are just some of the reasons that we'd like to offer you the position of junior partner.

(clears throat)

Laura, you are so kind.

Thank you.

You know, time is a... time is a funny thing.

Um...

Sometimes... time... itself tells you that... it's... time to move on to other moments in time.

And when that time arrives, you can't really predict it, you can't explain it, you just have to obey the ticking clock that is destiny.

And I think that this is that time.

What?

Another opportunity has knocked on my door.

So I respectfully decline.

I am so sorry.

Is it another firm?

It's best if we don't talk about it. Good-bye.

W-Wait a minute, just tell me.

Is it Cromwell?

No, it's not New York.

Okay, then Boston.

(laughs)

Chicago?

No, Laura.

(whispering): It's where dreams live.

♪ ♪
♪ West Covina ♪
♪ California ♪
♪ In my soul I feel a fire ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm heading for the pride ♪
♪ Of the Inland Empire ♪
♪ My life's about to change ♪
♪ Oh, my gosh ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm hopelessly, desperately in love with... ♪
♪ West Covina... ♪

(tires screech)

♪ ♪

Good morning, sir.

♪ See the sparkle of the concrete ground ♪
♪ Hear the whoosh of the bustling town ♪
♪ What a feeling of love ♪
♪ In my gut I'm falling faster ♪
♪ Than the middle school's music program was cut ♪
♪ People dine at Chez Applebee's ♪
Ah...
♪ And the sky seems to smile at me ♪
Ah...
♪ It's all new, but I have no fear ♪
Accidentes
♪ And also by coincidence, Josh... ♪
♪ ... just happens to be here ♪
♪ What a cool-looking anime wig ♪
♪ And I've never seen a pretzel this big ♪
♪ It's my destiny, that much is clear ♪

Emcee: Please welcome Destiny.

♪ And also this guy Josh just happens to be here ♪

Is he here? He's not here. To be clear...

♪ I didn't move here for Josh, I just needed a change ♪
♪ 'Cause to move here for Josh, now that'd be strange ♪
♪ But don't get me wrong, if he asks for a date ♪
♪ I would totally be like, “That sounds great” ♪
♪ Did it sound cool when I said, “That sounds great”? ♪

Okay, how about now?

“That sounds great.”

♪ Yes, I heard of West Covina from Josh ♪
♪ But I didn't move here because of Josh ♪
♪ Do you get those things are different? ♪

No hablo inglés.

Entiendes que son diferentes.
♪ Look, everyone, stop giving me the shakedown ♪
♪ I am not having a nervous... ♪
♪ ♪
♪ West Covina ♪
♪ California ♪
♪ West Covina ♪
♪ California ♪
♪ Hear the band playing in my heart ♪
Ah...
♪ My new life is about to start ♪
Ah...
♪ True happiness is so near... ♪

Aw, you guys are good.

Bye-bye.

Sorry, kids, you can't practice tuba anymore.

No more band, give that back. Hey, ma'am, nice dress.

♪ And also by coincidence ♪
♪ So random, just by chance ♪
♪ Who'da thunk it ♪
♪ So remarkable and weird, right? ♪
♪ It's so great that this guy Josh ♪
♪ Just happens to be... ♪
♪ Here. ♪

Only two hours from the beach.

(whistling jaunty tune)

(phone ringing)

Yello!

Rebecca, I just checked the Facebook.

You moved to California?! What are you doing?

I hope this isn't another stunt like your little suicide attempt in law school.

You didn't even break your skin and you inconvenienced a lot of people.

Your Aunt Nancy was apoplectic.

You know how sick she is all the...

(phone beeps off)

(disposal grinding)

♪ ♪

(toothbrush buzzing)

(phone chimes)

(spits)

(birds singing)

(elevator bell dings)

I hope you don't mind, but I handed out copies of your résumé.

I mean, we are just so honored and, well, confused, frankly, to have an attorney of your caliber here.

So... Darryl Whitefeather.

Hmm.

That's a really interesting name.

Well, I'm what they call a full one-eighth.

One-eighth Chippewa.

Oh.

Those are my people.

Wow.

Everybody here calls me “Chief”"

Okay. So I should address you as “Chief”?

I wish you'd get it started, 'cause nobody's really doing it...

Okay, will do.

Thank you.

Um, I have a question for you... Chief.

Mm-mm.

Uh, is there a problem with cell phone service in West Covina?

Because I feel like my friend is trying to get ahold of me Mm-hmm.

And nothing's coming through.

No, we don't have anything...

Well, I mean, I have Sprint, and it's “the bomb.”

Ah.

I'm sorry. I have a kid, so...

(laughs)

Oh, the b... yeah.

Yeah, but I'm getting a divorce.

Sorry.

Oh, I'm not.

Hey-o! Come on. Let me show you around.

So, uh, you're from New York.

You know, I spent some time in Gotham myself.

Yeah?

Oh, yeah.

Uh, for about a week after college with my buddies.

We went to all the best places.

Hey, do they still have that great pizza place...

Oh, downtown...

What was the name of it?

D-something.

Gosh, have you heard of that one?

D...

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Did you?

Oh, it's great.

Oh, it's so good.

And they fold it up and it's thin crust and the sauce and there's all the cheese.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

That's pizza. Yeah.

You know, actually, we have some great places right here in the Cove. Uh-huh.

You know, there's, uh... a wine bar on Foothill that has a killer Riesling.

Uh-huh.

It's actually called Jimmy's House of Spirits.

Uh-huh.

It's like a liquor store and a wine bar.

Also, in the restaurant in the Hilton, they have, um, something called branzino.

You ever heard of branzino?

Yes, I have.

It's a fish.

I know.

Really?

Yeah. Of course.

'Cause I thought it was a sandwich.

Well, anyway, I'm just...

I'm so excited to be here and chillax and just live that SoCal sunny lifestyle, you know?

Well, we are two hours from the beach...

Well, four in traffic.

So I hear.

I feel like you and I are gonna have a lot in common.

And I'm not just talking about the pizza and the fie.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, you know what?

Until my business cards come in, I'm gonna take a few of these, in case anyone asks what I'm doing in town.

And I can show them this and be like, “I have a job. It's legitimate”"

(laughs nervously)

Okay. So this is the kitchen.

Did you see this résumé?

Harvard? Yale?

Special skills: Mandarin?

Did she get this out of a résumé book?

What the hell is she doing here?

(exhales)

Exactly. It makes no sense.

Uh, Rebecca, this is Paula.

Oh, hi!

Are you my assistant? Great.

I am going to need so much help setting up my computer.

I'm, like, a total grandma.

Uh, actually, Paula is our, um, head paralegal.

Oh! (scoffs) Hello.

Sorry. Hi. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah.

Two years of training, six months of night school and 15 years of experience, but...

Never mind.

Those are some great knock-off Louboutins.

Yeah. I know how to say it.

Uh, actually, they are real.

But I got them on sale.

Lindsay Lohan wears those.

She's been to jail six times and has fake hair.

Did you know that?

Everyone knows that, right, Mrs. Hernandez?

Oh, I'm sorry. That's Mrs. Hernandez.

She's our communications director.

Oh, great! Hi!

So nice to meet you.

Wow!

Oh.

(laughs) Careful, there.

She went to a “women in business” seminar a couple of years ago, came back with that death grip.

So what, uh, brings you to our lovely West Covina?

Just looking for change.

You know?

Yeah? No friends in town?

A relative, or... ?

Uh... no.

No.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Pretty-pretty simple.

(laughs)

Here to start fresh.

Well, yes, well, welcome aboard.

Well, thank you, so much.

And sorry about the mix-up, again.

No worries.

No, no.

Total... fart brain.

Not a problem.

Super happy you're here.

Like, senior year graduation excited!

(whoops) Yeah, yeah.

(sneering voice): “They're real. Got them on sale.”

Who is this person?

Wow.

I, uh... love all the wolf imagery.

Yeah, I went to a swap meet in Gardena and got all this.

I keep the pelts at home because they shed a little bit.

Uh-huh.

Okay...

Look, I wasn't going to... talk about this out there, because, well, I mean, you know how offices can be, you know.

It can be very gossipy.

But I'm in the middle of a divorce.

Right. Yeah, you mentioned that.

And my wife, well, she's got a very powerful pit bull lawyer.

I mean, this guy's amazing.

One of those real smart Jewish guys.

I'm sorry, I'm-I'm... I'm Jewish.

Really?

Yeah, but it's okay.

I... I honestly had no idea.

That is a tiny nose.

It's like a button.

Thank you.

Look... (sighs)

(crying): I'm sorry.

It's just that...

I'm in kind of a bind here.

(sobbing): Oh, geez.

Oh, I didn't want to do this.

Um... (sobbing)

Oh... Um...

(sobbing)

I like the wolf with the bandana.

That's my favorite, too.

I just can't lose her.

I can't lose her.

Darryl, uh...

You know, there's other fish in the sea.

Right?

It's not healthy to keep fixating on one person.

The relationship's over...

I am not talking about my wife.

I am talking about my daughter.

My ex-wife is trying to get Madison away from me.

Huh?

I want you to represent me in my case.

Oh...

No, you're right.

I'm sorry. I...

This is so inappropriate.

Oh, Jiminy Christmas.

I don't know what I'm doing.

Uh, look, Darryl, I'm very flattered that-that you asked me to represent you, but you know my specialty's real estate law.

I wouldn't be qualified...

I know, but I just want to see my wife's face.

I mean, her Jew went to CSU Long Beach.

My Jew? Harvard and Yale.

Mmm?

Can I think about it?

I will think about it, sincerely, because I see that you're a really good dad.

But you know, that's why I moved to West Covina, to be with families who care.

And I care, too.

And I promise that I will always be there for you.

(phone chimes)

Hold on one second.

But right now, I got a thing.

I'm gonna go do this thing.

Doesn't mean that I don't care, I'm just gonna go do the thing.

I will come back later... and let's circle back about the Jew thing.

'Cause that's a conversation that we need to have.

The Jew thing?

Why did I say that?

♪ ♪

Announcer: curve-balling out about five to ten miles per hour.

Jerry Murdoch steps in against Patterson.

He hit two home runs in the second inning, but down three now, here in the bottom of the fifth.

Are you lost?

The wine bar's over on Foothill.

I'm just here for some baseball.

Sounds good.

What can I get you?

Beer, please.

Any kind.

You from around here?

Never seen you before.

I actually just moved to town from New York.

Seriously?

I love New York. What-what brings you here?

Work and, um...

I-I'm actually here because I'm meeting a friend.

But I don't...

I don't see him.

Great. Maybe I know him.

Is he eight years old? Or an alcoholic?

'Cause that's what we've got here.

You're a good listener.

Hmm?

Exactly.

You know, a buddy of mine just moved back from New York.

Guy I grew up with.

Really?

Yeah.

But there's no way you know him, right?

It's a big city.

I might. What's his name?

Josh Chan.

Oh, my God, are you kidding?

That's crazy! I... I know him!

Seriously?

Yeah. Yeah.

That's crazy. He was just here.

You just missed him.

That... that's his beer.

Ah!

Mmm!

(laughs)

Um, yeah.

Oh, mmm...

Um, it's actually such a funny s-story.

So, I was in New York, but I was looking to relocate to Los Angeles because I'm just, I'm a beach gal.

Uh, so I run into Chan and he tells me how great West Covina is.

And I'm like, okay, filing it away, filing it away.

But then, boom!

That same day, I get this rando call from a one-eighth Chippewa who's very prominent in my field, asking me to start a position here.

Crazy, right?

Wait.

So you left a job in New York to live near the beach?

We're four hours from the beach.

People say two, but those people are dumb.

Yeah, but, like, you know, it's such a great place.

I mean, the motto is “Live, Work, Play.”

We have a motto?

Yes, on the Web site.

We have a Web site?

It takes a few minutes to load, but it's very informative.

This is where I live.

Yay for me.

So, anyway, to go back to my, um, story.

Please do.

So I got here and I reached out to Josh, but... he hasn't gotten back to me, so I don't if he-he dropped his phone in the toilet, 'cause I did that once and I was out of commission for hours.

So maybe he did that.

Do you know where he went, though?

'Cause I'd love to, like...

No.

No idea. He said he was going out, but he didn't say where.

Okay. Thanks.

But I, uh... it's funny.

I do know where he's gonna be tomorrow night.

Yeah?

Yeah. This guy, Beans we call him that, he's Mexican...

That sounds racist, but he named himself that and he kind of makes us call him that; we don't want to.

His actual name's Bernard. It doesn't matter.

Anyway, he's having a house party.

It should be a lot of fun and, um...

Josh is going.

And I'm going.

(exhales)

Do you want to go?

Yeah. Is there, like, a Paperless Post that I should reply to?

Why don't we... why don't we just go together?

Great, yeah.

Okay, so, um...

So you'll come to me, in a car?

Yes, like... a date.

Because you're pretty and you're smart and you're ignoring me, so you're obviously my type.

I'm sorry. What were you saying?

Perfect.

(sighs)

A party.

Big party.

(singing to self)

Ooh! (laughs)

You were right behind me.

Yeah. What's up?

Uh, about the Ramirez case: The judge refused to grant the stay, so we present our arguments on Wednesday.

Well, that's swell, because I'm really good at arguing.

Oh! Before I forget to tell you, though, I do not like the judge in that case.

I want Judge Egan. I did a little research.

So what I need you to do is petition the court.

We will get Judge Egan and we will crush that illegal water park.

You're in a good mood today.

Yeah, ever just have, like, a great day?

No.

Really?

That's, like, really sad.

Okay.

So... you mentioned you didn't know anyone in town.

No. Not a soul.

Living or dead.

Don't know no ghosts. (giggles)

Okay, stop.

Something is wrong.

I am not buying any of this.

Okay, yeah, again, the reason that I'm here...

'cause you seem, like, weirded out with my whole presence...

Is because I moved here 'cause I got a really great offer from Darryl.

(stammering loudly)

It's okay, don't tell me the truth.

In fact, thank you for not telling me the truth, because I will figure it out.

Ah!

Now I have something fun to do.

Okay, well, I'm glad that this is really fun for you.

Enjoy whatever you have going on, and I'm gonna go live my life.

♪ Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Hey, Josh ♪
♪ I want to look good for you tonight ♪
♪ So I'm gonna get in touch ♪
♪ With my feminine side ♪
♪ Uh ♪
♪ It's the sexy getting-ready song ♪
♪ It's the sexy getting-ready song ♪
♪ I'm primpin' and pluckin' ♪
♪ I'm brushin' and rubbin' ♪
♪ The sexy getting-ready song... ♪

Computer voice: Welcome, Rebecca Bunch.

♪ First I make ♪
♪ Everything shiny and smooth ♪
Oh, yeah
♪ 'Cause I want my body ♪
♪ To be so soft for you ♪
Bye-bye, skin
♪ I'm gonna make this night ♪

(screams)

♪ One you'll never forget ♪
Ass blood
♪ 'Cause, boy, I know you like ♪
♪ An hourglass silhouette ♪
♪ Ah ♪
♪ Let's see how the guys get ready... ♪

(snoring) (TV playing quietly)

♪ It's the sexy getting-ready song ♪
♪ The sexy getting-ready song ♪
♪ I'm fluffin' and flouncin' ♪
♪ I'm gigglin' and layin' ♪
♪ Sexy getting-ready song ♪
♪ Hey, look ♪
♪ Hop on my (bleep) with that tight little dress then ♪
♪ Turn that ass around like you're trying to impress them. ♪

God, what...

This is how you get ready?

This is some...

This is horrifying, like a scary movie or something, like some nasty-ass patriarchal bull (bleep).

You know what?

I got to go apologize to some bitches.

I'm forever changed after what I just seen.

♪ It's the sexy getting-ready song ♪
♪ The sexy getting-ready song ♪
♪ It's the sexy getting-ready song ♪
♪ Body rolls are really hard ♪
♪ It's the sexy getting-ready song ♪

(whispering): ♪ The sexy getting-ready song. ♪

Wow, you-you look amazing.

Oh, I totally just woke up from a nap.

So, I got accepted to business school at Emory.

Mm-hmm.

Uh, and then my dad got sick.

Um, my parents are divorced.

Mm-hmm.

So I...

Oh, uh, mine are divorced, too.

Yeah, yeah, like, they're really divorced.

We're like peas in a pod.

To broken people.

To broken people.

(chuckles)

You know, it's so weird.

I, like, haven't seen Josh yet.

What's...

What's the deal with you and Josh?

Because we've been talking about him a lot.

What? Come on.

Dude, he's just... You know, I told you.

He's, like, an old friend of mine.

I just, like, I want to, I want to see him and want to see him and surprise him.

You're sure? Because if you were into him, Yeah.

I would totally get it. He's a good-looking guy.

He's built like a brick house.

Okay, uh-huh. He knows magic.

Okay, I'll shut up about that.

Yeah.

Hey.

Do you want to go outside?

Actually, um, I'm cold. Let's go inside.

I'm hungry. Are you hungry?

Uh...

Hey, is... something wrong?

No, no, no.

Um, do you want find a bedroom?

No.

I would not... Yes.

Is this room okay?

Yeah, it's fine.

Is it okay that Josh isn't in here?

Or...

Yeah, it's fine.

(chuckles)

(phone chimes) Oh.

Ah, speak of the handsome devil himself.

Chan just texted.

“Not gonna come tonight”"

His girlfriend's making him go to her sister's quinseñera.

Sorry. Um...

Josh has a girlfriend?

Just 'cause Facebook says he's single.

Okay, I'm getting the Josh vibe again.

Maybe we should just go back to the party.

No, no, that's crazy. Come-come here, crazy.

Like, if you must know, Josh isn't my type.

But, like, speaking of types, like, what type's his girlfriend?

I should go.

No, no.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

(in baby voice): Where you going?

Where's the little boy going?

Are you going anywhere now?

No.

Okay, good.

Is this, does this feel good?

You really like talking, don't you?

Okay, I'll stop.

I'll stop, I'll stop, I'll stop.

I'll stop talking. Shh, shh. Shh, shh, I'll stop talking.

But just, like, circling back to Josh for just, like, a quick second.

I know, I know, just a quick second.

Um, like, where did he, where did he, where'd he meet his girlfriend?

Like, what's their, what's their story?

What's their deal?

They dated in high school.

He moved back to be with her.

Oh.

Got it.

Okay, good.

I'm so, I'm happy for him.

(crying): He moved back here for her.

It's like, it's like The Notebook.

(zipping) Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

I, uh, What? What?

I can't believe I'm doing this, because I-I really...

I really need this, but, um, I don't know much, but what I do know is it's not good to hook up with a crying girl.

No, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not crying.

I'm not crying. I'm fine.

No, you're not.

Hey, whatever it is, I really don't think you should be here.

Come on.

I'll drive you home.

Okay. Are you sure?

I can do that.

Yeah, yeah, no, hey.

No, no, no, no, no. You've done enough.

Okay, okay.

(sighs, zippers)

(groans)

Huh?

Um, what are you doing here?

I just stopped in to chat with you.

Who's this?

You want to chat?

Who are you?

Um, Greg, uh, Paula.

Paula, Greg.

Hi there.

You half Italian?

Uh, yeah?

I can always tell.

Okay, all right.

I don't know what you're doing.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. We'll be back, Greg.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'll iChat you or something.

No, I'll just...

I'll just wait here.

Where are we...

Is this far enough from the house? Come here.

What are you doing here?

You think you are so much better than me, huh?

Harvard? Yale?

I am just as smart as you are, Miss Snooty Shoes.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Josh.

Chan.

Yeah.

Josh Ch... Josh Chan!

Josh Chan!

Okay, hey, hey, hey! Hey.

What do you know about Josh?

What do I know about Josh?

Uh, let's see, um, I know he lives in town, which is weird, because you told you didn't know anyone here, and clearly, you know him, because you checked his Facebook 63 times today and his Instagram 18 times.

Have you been going through my computer?

Yes, yes, I have.

I could have you fired.

Oh, you lied to me.

I wasn't lying to you. I wasn't under oath when I met you in the office.

All right, you know what?

Did someone shove a Bible under my hand?

This is not the point. The point is whoever this Josh Chan is, you are, you're obsessed with him.

(laughs) What?

You love him, you moved here for him, and you won't admit it. Why?

Wow, okay. I do not love him.

I barely know him.

I dated him for two months when I was 16 at a summer camp.

So you're saying that I moved here from New York and I left behind a job that would've paid me $545,000 a year for a guy who still skateboards?

I did not do that.

Here's what happened. I was in New York.

I ran into Josh. He made me feel warm inside.

Like glitter was exploding inside me.

Then I moved here.

I did not move here because of Josh, because that would be crazy, and I am not crazy.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

No, I'm not crazy.

I'm not crazy, I'm not crazy.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Okay, no, stop it.

Oh, no, no, no, no. Oh, my God, I'm crazy.

Stop it. Listen.

Oh, my God, I'm crazy.

No, no, no, no, I'm crazy. Oh, my God, I'm crazy.

You're not crazy.

You hear me, you're not crazy. You're in love.

And that is, that is totally different.

No, I'm not in love. That would be stupid.

Hey, wait, whoa.

You're not stupid.

That would make me stupid.

You just should've told me.

That's all. I-I-I'm just, I was busting your balls 'cause you lied to me.

Okay, no...

No, no, no, no, no, I'm crazy. I'm crazy.

All right, this is going down a road I'm crazy and I'm irrational that I am not... and I'm everything my mother said I was.

Now stop it!

Don't you talk about my friend like that ever again.

Do you hear me?

We're friends?

(chuckles)

I would be proud to be your friend, now that I know the truth.

What you did for love, for true love, the sacrifices, the-the money that you walked away from...

Oh, God.

No, no, no, no, no. No.

You're not crazy, and you're not stupid.

You know what you are? You're brave.

And I wish that I had been as brave when I was your age.

Okay, look, you want it to be a secret? I get it.

I will not tell a soul, okay?

But-but I'm here now.

Okay, you are not in this alone.

And I will, I will help you.

Let me help you, 'cause we can win this thing!

(whispering): We can win it.

We can... (exhales)

We can win the whole thing.

Okay?

It doesn't matter, um... because I just found out that Josh has a girlfriend.

What?

No, it makes sense, because I texted him 46 hours ago and he hasn't gotten back to me, because he's busy with his girlfriend.

No, no, no.

His Facebook status says he's single, and if he was into her, why would it say that?

That's what I said.

Exactly. All right. This is why you need me.

All right, look, if we play this right, one day, it is gonna hit him like a bag of nails to the balls, and that day, he will text.

(phone chimes)

Are you a witch?

I-I can't. I think I might faint.

Just, I can't, I can't, I can't.

Okay, hold on, no, no, no.

I can't...

(gasps)

What? (gasps)

Josh Chan.

Oh, God, oh, God.

“Want to grab dinner?”

Smiley face.

My God, is it really smiley? There's a smiley face!

(laughs)

♪ See the blood rushing to my cheeks ♪
♪ Hear the sigh when I try to speak ♪
♪ All our cares will disappear ♪
♪ West Covina ♪
♪ West Covina ♪
♪ California ♪
♪ That's where we are ♪
♪ I don't know what happens next ♪
♪ Bella and Edward ♪
♪ Carrie and Big ♪
♪ All roads point to this magical text ♪
♪ Harry and Sally, Julia Roberts ♪
♪ And Richard ♪
♪ It's time to kick it into high ♪
♪ Gere ♪
♪ Gear ♪
♪ Yes, also by coincidence ♪
♪ A random just by chance ♪
♪ Who'da thunk it ♪
♪ So remarkable and weird, right? ♪
♪ It's so great that this guy Josh ♪
♪ Just happens to be... ♪

Paula: You want to go drive by his house?

Rebecca: You know where he lives?

This is gonna be so much fun.

Hey, Denise. It's me, Nipsey Hussle.

I recently had an eye-opening experience.

I'm calling to apologize for the way I treated you when you danced in my recent music video.

Denise, I'm sorry that I showered you with Cristal.

I didn't even ask if you liked Champagne, and it probably messed up your blow out.

Ashley, I realize now that it wasn't right for me to tell you what to do with that big fat butt.

You can wiggle it, or you could sit it down in a classroom and get that college degree in communications.

Chelsea, I'm sorry I put you in a bikini made of gold coins and then made you dance on the roof of my Bentley.

I realize now that metal conducts heat and that was probably a very uncomfortable experience.

Anyway, Denise, hit me up whenever you get this.

I'd love to discuss The Second s*x by Simone de Beauvoir, which I just read.

You are beautiful inside as well as out.

You are my equal.