01x04 - I'm Going On a Date with Josh's Friend!

Heather: As Jean-Paul Sartre said, "We are our choices."

And this woman's choices are nuts.

I mean, she is seriously bonker balls.

Heather, we don't use terms like that in abnormal psychology.

I'm sorry, "bonker balls" isn't in the DSM-5 yet? Okay.

Because that's what she is.

I mean, you kind of have to, like, see it to believe it.

I don't even know where the hell she came from.

Rebecca: ♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪
♪ Making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ One day I was crying a lot and so I decide to move to ♪
♪ West Covina, California ♪
♪ Brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ It happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ But that's not why I'm here ♪
She's the crazy ex-girlfriend

What? No, I'm not.

She's the crazy ex-girlfriend

That's a sexist term.

She's the crazy ex-girlfriend

Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

She's so broken inside

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

C-R-A-Z-Y

Okay, we get it!

Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, how do I stop?! How do I stop?!

Oh, oh, oh!

Okay.

Oh, thank you for stopping me.

Okay, now, you know that YouTube tutorial we watched, Tonyhawkfan49 said if you want to stop, you lean back on your tail.

Yeah. That's only useful advice if you're riding a dog.

That's true. Okay, how long do we have to risk bodily harm?

I thought you said Josh hit the skate park with his nephew, every Saturday morning.

Yeah, you know they might. I just thought it might be fun to run into him. But I want to learn how to skate regardless.

I want to shred some concrete.

And now that Valencia says that it's cool for me and Josh to hang out, you know, I thought I would learn, so he and I could, like, chill and skate and hang.

All right, well, when are you guys gonna chill, skate and hang out next? I mean, do you have a plan?

No, he hasn't contacted me, per se, but, you know...

(laughing) That's what he does. He pops up, disappears.

Pops up, diappears. It's hilarious.

(phone chimes)

Oh! Maybe this is him right now.

Oh, no. it's... it's not him. But it-it's, uh... it's Instagram.

A vacation in wine country. How lovely.

Oh, good God. The boobs, the abs, the hair.

I know.

Even her wrists are pretty.

No. She never even had an awkward phase.

And believe me, I've checked all of her Facebook albums. There are 180 of them.

Oh, okay. Well, you stop looking at that, 'cause that's not healthy.

(phone ringing)

Ugh! This is the fifth time she's called today.

I really should pick this up. No, don't.

No, no, no. You know what, you should not pick this up 'cause the last thing you need right now is a conversation with a pathalogical narcissist.

Okay, you don't know her. And if I don't answer, She's gonna keep calling me. She's like a stalker I used to live inside of.

Okay. Just give me the... phone.

Oh. Oh! Ninja!

(both sigh)

Hi, Mom! What's up?

Put me on video chat or whatever you call it. I want to see your face.

No, I can hear your face.

Just do it.

I have exciting news.

Wait, are you calling me from Dr. Weinstein's office?

Yes. I'm just waiting for my pap.

Hey, little Becca, how are you?

UTI's under control?

Naomi: Anyway, I wanted to tell you that I was reading the Sunday Styles, and I saw that Audra Levine just got married... and to a hedge fund manager.

Good for Audra Levine.

Also, she got the promotion you didn't take.

Remember? The one you were too good for?

So now basically she has the life you could have had, Almost had, but ruined with all your ridiculous choices.

Okay. So nice talking to you, Mom.

I'm hanging up now.

But thanks for the salt in the wound.

At least it's kosher salt!

He delivered you.

Okay, screw your mom.

Screw Audra Levine.

Okay, you are doing just fine.

No, I-I'm gonna go. I'm gonna call you later, okay?

No, no, no, no. Let's do something to cheer you up.

Look, I have to pick up Brendan from therapy, but it's-it's right near the Dress Barn.

No.

♪ Right near the dress barn ♪

Come on, you love the Dress Barn.

No. I'm goinna go.

I'm gonna go.

Hey, don't skate sad!

Or maybe at all!

Subject is approaching and appears dejected.

And possibly undergoing cranial remolding.

Hey, Heath.

Name's Heather.

But... so, how are you?

And feel free to use specific words Like "despondent" or "hopeless", or, on a scale from one to ten, rate your suicidal thoughts.

Uh, I'm having the worst day, dude.

So, anyway, I've decided to eat my feelings, and it turns out... my feelings are pork rinds, whoopie pies, mac and cheese. Yeah, I'm going full-on Cathy cartoon.

Can you not do that?

Because we share a wall, and I don't want to hear you barf-crying later.

What do you suggest I do? I mean, what do you do when you're feeling this bad? And don't say get a tattoo or piercing, because I'm afraid of needles.

And... needles.

Oh.

I know what we're doing.

Not hot. Gross.

Smoking. Naked.

Guy with a tiger?

No. Come on.

I have standards.

Cartoon pic. Dead.

Weird choice. Oh, my god, is he actually dead?

I think so.

Yeah, I mean, I did Tinder in New York.

And I got to say, I went on some, like, skeevy-ass dates.

Well, you shouldn't use it for dates.

You should use it for s*x.

You're looking for someone to, like, pound the bad feelings out of you.

Oh. Okay.

Yeah, hot.

Okay, so this guy can Yeah. meet you at a bar in 20 minutes.

That's fast!

Mm-hmm.

Technology. Yeah.

Oh, my god. Okay.

Tell him yes. Yeah.

Okay.

Mm-hm What's his last name? It doesn't matter.

Okay, can you come with me, because I'm scared.

Mm... okay.

I'm gonna go put on a thong. or maybe I won't wear any underwear, and that way he'll... (sniffing) he'll just, smell my pheromones.

Like a lion. Right?

Yeah, I would do a thong.

Okay.

There he is.

Go for it.

Hi... Jason? I'm Rebecca.

Hi.

Oh, what are those?

Oh, carpel tunnel.

Oh. Desk job?

Nah. Call of Duty: Black Ops 3. You should check out my YouTube channel.

So, uh, what's your beer of choice?

Is this okay? Do you consent to this activity?

Yeah.

Come on.

Great.

Subject demonstrates lack of judgment combined with poor impulse control.

Do you want to get weird?

My ball.

Leave it.


♪ Steppin' in the club, all those eyes on me ♪
♪ But there's only one pair that I see ♪
♪ He got a tight-ass bod, big brown eyes ♪
♪ Come on, cutie, get between my thighs ♪
♪ 'Cause I... ♪
♪ I don't even know your name ♪

It's, uh, Jason, remember?

Shh. Don't tell me, don't tell me.

♪ Why don't we just call each other "baby"? ♪
♪ It'll be simpler ♪
♪ Hey, sexy stranger, come back to my place ♪
♪ And I hope you're not a murderer ♪
♪ Kiss me, baby, all over the place ♪
♪ And please don't be a murderer ♪
♪ Please don't be a murderer ♪
♪ Pl-pl-please don't be a murderer ♪
♪ I'm sorry, I'll stop talking 'bout the murderer thing ♪
♪ Let me get back to playin' with your thing ♪
♪ You got a beautiful ass, strong-ass arms ♪
♪ Is that a gun? Oh, thank God, it's just your pen1s ♪
♪ Have... ♪
♪ You been tested for STDs? ♪
STDs
♪ Tell me, please ♪
STDs
♪ Then... ♪
♪ Waited the three-month window and got ♪
♪ Tested again? Just makin' sure ♪
♪ Most people don't know about the window ♪
♪ Hey, sexy stranger, let's go to my place ♪
♪ And please don't harvest my kidney ♪
♪ Don't give me that incredulous face ♪
♪ I saw a movie like that on Lifetime ♪
♪ Uh, your balls smell weird ♪
♪ Your balls smell so much worse than I feared ♪
♪ You haven't aired out those balls in hours ♪
♪ Please go wash your balls in the shower, the bathroom ♪
♪ Is right down the hall, okay? ♪
Okay
♪ Please don't steal anything on the way ♪
Don't steal
♪ Hey, sexy stranger, I'll be right back ♪
♪ I just forgot to do the dishes ♪
♪ Keep yourself horny, stay in the mood. ♪

I promise I'll be back. Okay, see you in a second. Bye.

(sputters)

Jason: Hello?

So, we doing this or what?

Yeah! I'll be right back!

Uh, stay naked!

What? What am I doing?

Woman: Do you feel disgusted and uneasy with your current butter? Ask yourself, are you making healthy choices?

It's never too late to get the life and the butter you deserve.

What are you doing?

TV Man: Welcome back... thank you for stickin' with us....

Oh, I get it. You want to watch TV while we're doing it.

That's hot. That actually helps me last longer.

Good idea.

Hey. Hey.

Listen, um, you're a really great guy, and I really admire your commitment to the health of your wrist tendons.

I'm talking about the balls. The balls that you have.

Oh.

But...

I got to say no.

Yeah. It's not you, it's not you. You're... fine. In-in another context, you'd be great. But...

I think that it's time for me to start making healthier choices.

And... you're not a healthy choice.

So... get out of my house?

(chuckles)

Get out of my house.

(exhales)

(slurping)

Mmm.

The hell is that?

Oh, this? I have decided to turn over a whole new leaf.

Is that what that is? Really? It's, like, leaf juice?

You put, like, leaves in a juicer and you... made that?

No. So, I have come to the decision that I need to be making healthier choices, Mm-hmm. so I stayed up all night last night and I did some research.

And now I'm into, like, all the good stuff.

We're talking, like, Kabbalah, bee pollen, colonics.

Oh... Mm.

Mm-hmm. Let's see. I learned a ton about Buddhism. Uh-huh.

And, oh, I'm a vegan now.

Oh, uh, uh... (chuckles)

Are those the s'mores ones? (sniffing)

Ugh.

Mmm.

Oh, just eat it.

Life is too short. You're being ridiculous.

No...

No, I know.

I have turned over enough leaves in my life for a whole forest.

Eat the donut.

No!

Eat it.

No, you eat the donut.

I made a deal with myself.

Chris: We made a deal.

You were gonna ask out Rebecca and I was gonna ask out Olivia.

And I held up my end of the bargain, like a man.

And how did that work out?

Well, she didn't really answer.

She just made this, like, choking-laugh sound.

I think she has asthma.

But at least I had the guts to ask a girl out.

What's your deal with Rebecca?

Either do it or don't do it.

Man, you're like a broken record.

Dude, I don't even know what a record is.

You don't understand.

You're too young.

I like Rebecca but I don't... like Rebecca.

I have very positive feelings of attraction towards her but I also kinda want to punch her in the arm.

You just described fifth grade.

She likes someone else, okay?

I know that for a fact.

I mean, I know it...

I don't-I don't know it.

Chris: What?

Greg: Never mind.

Hey.

Chan-man. Saw those, uh, pics on Instagram.

Looked like outtakes from a p0rn shoot.

(laughs) Thanks.

So the trip was good?

Yeah, but I maxed out my credit card.

If I don't get a job soon, I'll have to work at my dad's radiology lab which is like all cancer, all the time.

I gotta do something else. I mean, I'll take anything.

Hey, I can ask Kevin if we're hiring here.

Oh, God, no.

Are you kidding me?

I'm haven't completely given up.

Nice.

You may need to take a trip to your happy place.

Are you guys talking about drugs?

Because drugs are bad.

My cousin tried bath salts and she ate off her own lips.

No. When he's sad, Josh likes to go to the Aloha Tech Center over on South Cameron.

Me, too.

Yeah, I like to check out the latest tech, and play a few new video games and somehow everything is okay.

My life goes back into high-def.

Look who's about to come in.

You gonna do it? You gonna ask her out?

Wait, you're going to ask out Rebecca?

Chris: Nah, he's not gonna do it.

You know how he gets.

Do it, Serrano.

Hi, Josh.

How was your Temecula vacay?

Perfection, all around.

Wonderful.

The pictures on Instagram accurately represented that fact.

Greg in Irish accent: What are you drinking, leprechaun blood?

No. Um, I'm actually a vegan now. Yeah.

Really?

Since four days ago when I saw you house a cheeseburger pizza?

That was the old me.

The new me is making healthier choices.

You sound like that weird butter commercial.

Thank you.

Hm.

Mmm, this juice is really starting to work, so I'm going to hit the ladies.

Room. Hit the ladies' room.

I'm not a football player. (laughs)

Do you hear that?

Healthy choices... that's you.

That one was a false alarm.

Hey, can I talk to you over here for a sec?

Yeah, can't we just talk over here?

Nah, let's leave the children out of this.

So, um, healthy choices.

Yeah.

That applies to your dating life, too, don't you think?

Yeah, like, I think I really need to be with, like, an older guy, maybe like a professor, or maybe like...

(quietly) Oh.

Wait.

Are you... are you really doing this?

Yeah. So, I still like you, Yeah, okay. and I know I shouldn't.

I don't want to.

You're not that nice to me and you're weird.

And I tell myself to stop thinking about you, but every time you show up, it's like boom, feelings.

And I know also that you have feelings for Josh...

No, I don't have feelings...

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I-I don't, I don't have feelings...

No, no, shh.

Just listen. Just-just listen. for Josh?

Okay.

♪ When we're together ♪
♪ I feel so grand ♪
♪ My heart goes tippety-tap-tap-tap ♪
♪ When I hold your hand ♪
♪ But I know there's another guy ♪
♪ You fancy more ♪
♪ So even though ♪
♪ I'm not the one you adore ♪
♪ Why... not ♪

(snaps fingers)

♪ Settle for me ♪
♪ Darling, just settle for me ♪
♪ I think you'll have to agree ♪
♪ We make quite a pair ♪
♪ I know I'm only second place in this game ♪
♪ But like 2% milk or seitan beef ♪
♪ I almost taste the same ♪

(clattering)

♪ So won't you ♪
♪ Settle for me ♪
♪ Come on and settle for me ♪
♪ Say yes or no ♪
♪ Before I choke on all this swallowed pride ♪
♪ I have no problem being picked out from the bottom ♪
♪ If he's your broken condom, I'm plan B ♪
♪ So lower those expectations ♪
♪ And settle for me ♪
♪ Am I okay with this? ♪
♪ Totally ♪

Oh, sweet, a gown.

♪ Settle for me ♪
♪ Babycakes, just settle for me ♪
♪ Schmoopy pie, I'm begging you, please ♪
♪ Can't you see the light? ♪
♪ Sugar jugs, I'm so bereft ♪
♪ Demeaning terms are all that I have left ♪
♪ Of my masculinity ♪
♪ So settle for me ♪

So twirly.


♪ Little girl ♪
♪ Don't make me feel like a little girl ♪
♪ Exposed and raw ♪
♪ Whose boobs can't even fill a training bra ♪
♪ Let's pretend I didn't say that ♪
♪ Settle for me ♪
♪ It's a practical proposal ♪
♪ Settle for me ♪
♪ It makes a certain sense ♪
♪ He's a fantasy ♪
♪ But hey, let's think this through ♪
♪ Yes, Josh is a dream ♪
♪ But I'm right here ♪
♪ In flesh and blood and self-hate ♪

Both: ♪ Settle for me ♪
♪ In a sad way, darling, it's fate ♪

♪ You're like Rocky V to Rocky ♪
♪ Solange to Beyoncé ♪
♪ Not asking to be your fiancé ♪
♪ But if tonight, or tomorrow ♪
♪ If you happen to be free ♪
♪ Maybe, just maybe, settle for me... ♪

(song ends)

So what'll it be?

Can you hurry up and decide?

A dip is kinda supposed to be a quick thing.

Uh...

(Hawaiian music playing)

Aloha.

Would you like some poké?

Are you kidding? I would love some poké.

Mm. Anything new today?

We got Murder Rampage III: A Quest for Chaos.

The DPS is out of control.

Really? God, I love this place.

Hey, I wanted to talk to you about the Caswick case.

What the hell is this?

Well, I was reading that sitting is like the new smoking...

I know... you should be walking ten miles a day, so I got this treadmill desk but then I realized I couldn't really do work on it.

Um, and also I hate walking.

So that-that-that was what, that was like a $2,000 mistake?

Ugh!

Let me save you from making another one.

Don't go out with Greg.

Can you stop telling me what to do. Okay?

I'm... I haven't decided what I'm going to do about Greg.

All I'm saying is, if you go out with Josh's best friend, you activate the bro code and then you muddy up the long play for Josh.

What I do with Greg has nothing to do with...

Josh.

Exactly.

No, actually, Josh is actually right out here.

Great, send him in.

Oh.

It's for business. I told him to come.

Uh, okay.

This is the greatest thing I've ever experienced.

What do you log on this thing, like, ten, 20 miles a day?

Yeah, in that area.

So what can I help you with?

Oh, I need you to look at this.

So, I'm applying to the place I most want to work like, in the whole world but I'm no good at job applications.

So confusing.

There's like a blank space for an essay or something?

Like, what do I write there?

Ooh. Let's take a look-see at this.

For the Aloha Tech Center.

Oh, that's like the Hawaiian place with the TVs, right?

Yeah, you know what. Let me make take care of the essay. I got it.

Oh, so I never heard, what's happening with you and Serrano?

You gonna go out with him?

Oh, um, I'm still thinking about it.

Tell you what, you're helping me with my job application, I'll help you with your love life.

(laughing) Are you like a love doctor?

And this puppy is... ready to ship.

Thanks.

So, um, you mentioned, uh, helping me with my love life.

Oh. Well, that's easy one. I think you should...

Hold out for something more magical, right?

I should just wait for that special someone?

No, I-I think you should say yes.

Oh. Oh, okay.

You... okay. You do?

Why not? Greg's the coolest. I say, go for it.

So... so you think I should-I should date Greg?

I think I just said that.

You just, you don't think there's like any reason that I shouldn't?

Any... reason at all?

Not that I can think of.

Nope. Nothing. Well, I should run.

Um, I gotta get this in to Aloha.

Thank you so much.

Oh, thank... Good luck!

(sighs) Okay.

Healthy choices.

Hmm.

(touch-tones beeping)

Hello, Greg? Yes.

(sighs)

Woman: Make an effort, make a decision.

Your future is in your hands and on the edge of your knife.

Everything okay with the... application there, sir? (chuckles quietly)

I don't know. I think you're overqualified.

(sputters, laughs)

What?

No. Like... wh-what? What do you mean?

This essay you wrote at the end of your application, it's... quite a piece of writing.

And that's bad?

Well, it's just so intellectual and overthought.

You reference Kafka in it.

It's, like, what, did you go to Harvard or something?

No, no. I-I-I went... I went to Northridge.

A-And barely. Like, I never went to class.

I just mean that at no point do you even mention electronics or being into electronics, and this is an electronics store, so that would be huge.

So, I don't know, maybe, uh, maybe you should work in a place that's... sells books instead of gear.

Guess that would be a... library.

No...

Hey, look, bro...

Aloha is just a... really laid-back store, okay?

And our employees are just chill.

So... someone who gets this upset about Harper Lee and... you know, whether the book was a prequel or first draft does not sound chill.

No, no. I-I'm chill. I'm, like, I'm, like, so chill!

Uh, you know, the whole Harper Lee thing, that was just 'cause I love her husband... you know, Bruce Lee.

I just think... based on this essay, you're not gonna be very happy here.

Ta-da!

The West Covina Taco Festival.

The second best thing to do in this town besides leave.

I saw fliers for this at City Hall.

This is so cool. But what if it rains again?

With my luck, it probably will, because when I plan an outdoor date, it's the one rainy day in the middle of a five-year drought.

So, Gregory... we are on a date.

Yes, we are.

Yes. Okay.

Let's engage in some date... conversation.

Okay.

Who is your favorite president?

Mine is Rutherford B. Hayes, for obvious reasons.

Have you been on a date before?

I have. I'm just... I'm just trying to be mature and responsible... Pork!

That took a turn.

You want one?

No. No.

Uh-uh. Don't try to trick me, because I'm a vegan.

This week you are. Okay.

For forever I am.

So... I will have... mmm, the cauliflower tacos.

(groans) Ooh. You are really sticking to this.

Yep. I'm trying to fight my base urges.

(sighs) Just what a guy wants to hear on a date.

Wow.

Mmm!

Wait. This is actually really good.

Oh, no, no.

Try some.

I don't do cauliflower... they're like albino broccoli.

Try me, Greg. Try me.

Okay. Okay.

They can't talk.

You know what? This is pretty... disgusting.

Mm.

Mm, garbage can.

So funny.

(thunder rumbling) Hmm, let's see, little known facts about me.

Uh... (laughs) oh, okay.

So, once a week I Google trivia about the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire.

Shut up. I love that fire.

That's, like, my favorite fire.

(laughing) No. Stop messing with me. I know it's weird.

Why is it weird to be obsessed with the flash point that single-handedly ignited labor reform in the U.S.?

Speaking of flash point, you're blowing my mind right now.

Stick around.

Every year after my dad my left, on his birthday I... I'd send him, like, (laughs) like, a handmade card with these terrible, like, terrible stick-figure drawings and a ton of glitter.

And every year, I would never hear back.

Your dad's an idiot.

I mean... to be fair, glitter gets everywhere.

Well, it sounded like he was a crappy father... he deserved glitter.

I'd throw glitter at him right now.

Is there a glitter stand here somewhere?

Can we get some glitter over here?

I don't want to talk about it anymore, Dad.

So you didn't get the job... thank goodness.

It's a silly place, with the shirts and the... and the raw fish.

This place is the right choice for you.

The most healthy thing.

Now, put on all these layers so you don't get cancer.

Hmm?

♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪
♪ Canta y no llores ♪
♪ Porque cantando se alegran ♪

(grunts)

♪ Cielito lindo ♪

Ha-ha!

♪ Los corazones ♪
♪ Ay, ay, ay, ay ♪
♪ Canta y no llores ♪
♪ Porque cantando ♪
♪ Se alegran ♪
♪ Cielito lindo... ♪

(music pauses)

♪ Los corazo... nes... ♪

(trumpets play closing phrase)

(people cheering)

All right.

Okay, everybody, the final round of the guacamole contest will begin in one minute in the gazebo!

Oh...!

Ooh, guacamole!

Uh, we could go, or we could go... someplace else.

Maybe your place?

Um, no, uh, my place... my place sounds great.

Great.

But let's go to the guacamole contest first.

Just for, like, five minutes, 'cause I want to see who has the best guacamole.

Please?

Sure. Yeah.

You won't regret it. We're gonna get...

♪ I won't regret it. ♪

.. that tum-tum full of guacamole.

♪ I... love avocados! ♪

Man over speakers: You've been voting all day, and we are down to two finalists.

Local West Covina favorite, La Cocina...!

(whooping, cheering)

And all the way from Echo Park, also known as the Brooklyn of Southern California...

Echo Parko Tacos...!

(people jeering)

Grab some guac, have a taste, and place your votes.

Okay, so I'll hit the hipsters, you hit the abuela.

Deal.

Great.

Hey, is this vegan?

Yeah. Certified organic.

No GMOs. Avocados are even cruelty-free.

Okay. Save the avocados.

So you're a vegan?

I'm a vegan, too. Of course.

Cool. Yeah, I just realized it's, like, a lifestyle choice, you know?

Yeah.

It's... it's really changed the way I do everything in the last... two days.

Although, truth be told, when I walk around this festival, all I want to do is just sink my teeth into animal flesh, you know?

(chuckles) I feel you.

I could really go for some Burger King right now.

Yeah.

But don't tell anyone, all right?

That's gonna be our little secret.

Okay.

Greg: Okay, you ready?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm so excited.

♪ Mmm, mmm, mmm... ♪

(drumming)

Okay, I've got to say...

...the Echo Park one is better.

The hipster one? Are you crazy?

Yeah.

Abuela's one is so much better.

The hipster one tastes like... soy candles and indie bands.

No.

Scoff if you want, but the hipster one is more authentic.

What?! How could guys with man buns know what is authentic?

Okay, so Abuela's clearly had sour cream in it, and anybody will tell you that's not authentic Mexican guacamole.

This is hilarious. You're suddenly an expert on authentic cuisine?

Is this like your authentic veganism?

What's that supposed to mean?

It's very funny. It's cute, the vegan thing.

It's cute?

Thank you.

It's cute. It's like how... you became Buddhist... like, yesterday.

Okay, you're... being really mean.

You're making fun of me. I don't like it.

Hey, what's wrong?

No, nothing is wrong. I just liked it better when you were being a nice person.

I'm just teasing you. You can be a bit of a hypocrite.

I mean, it's... you have to admit, you're not exactly, in general, like, steeped in honesty.

You moved to California to be by the beach?

Obviously, something happened in New York, you had a bit of a nervous breakdown...

Okay. Okay.

Okay, as long as we're being super honest, let's talk about when you asked me out and your whole "Settle for me" vibe.

Like, it's weird and sad.

Okay, well, that's not quite how I remembered it.

But the truth is, I-I don't want you to settle for me. I...

(sighs)

We get each other.

And we get along.

Look, I'm sorry I teased you... I-I will stop.

Let's just go back to having a good time, okay?

Yeah, okay. Okay.

I... totally overreacted, too, so...

Okay, then.

(sighs) Okay.

(exhales) Oh, wow, we just, like, really worked through something there... like adults.

Like we're normal.

Some may say healthy.

Actually, I have to use the bathroom really quickly, so I'm gonna go to one of those...

(whispers) sexy Porta Potties.

Woman in distance: Oh, come on!

♪ Settle for him ♪
♪ Why not just ♪
♪ Settle for him ♪
♪ He's a nice, smart guy ♪
♪ And he and I ♪
♪ Do get along... ♪

Well, kind of.

(knocking)

Man: Hey!

Just a minute.

♪ As soon as I'm done peeing ♪
♪ It's time to start being ♪
♪ A bit more realistic ♪
♪ Than I've been... ♪

You can't monopolize the bathroom at a taco festival!

♪ Maybe it's time to grow up ♪
♪ And ♪
♪ Just settle for... ♪

(pounding) Come on!

All right, already!

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

(gasps)

Hey.

Mmm.

(chuckles)

Okay, you caught me.

Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.

(phone chimes)

Are you kidding me?

So, what should I do with the two condoms that you made me wear?

Uh, trash can's in the bathroom.

Cool.

Hey, by the way, you finished, right?

Yeah, I finished a bunch.

You're welcome.

(groans)

So, I'll call you?

That's... that's okay.

Text?

Uh...

Find you on Facebook?

Take a hint, dude.

LinkedIn it is.

(sighs)

(door opens)

(groans, door closes)

(knocking)

Ah, dude, nobody is on LinkedIn.

Okay...?

What the hell is going on?

Oh... Oh...

(whimpering)

A dude just left your apartment!

You took some guy home from our date and slept with him? What is wrong with you?

Sorry. I-I-I... I-I don't know... I don't know.

I-I...

I don't understand.

No, see, that's-that's it.

You don't understand. Like, I'm not...

I'm not an adult.

Like what we were doing back at the taco festival.

Like, being, like, all adulty.

That's just not me, okay? Like, I take advice from butter commercials.

This makes no sense.

I know, because I make no sense. I make no sense.

And you shouldn't waste time on me.

Can't you see that?

No, all I can see... is what this night could have been.

(sighs)

(door closes)

(footsteps approaching)

What's up, neighbor?

Come in.

How's it going? You feeling better?

You're out of material for your paper?

I'm sorry.

No.

It's cool. I know you're writing a paper on me.

You told me that, remember?

I feel kind of bad now.

Do you ever have one of those days where you've done something so horrible, it feels like you did it in a dream, and you... you just want to wake up, and... you want it to be all okay, but there's no waking up because you did it for realsies?

If you want to grab your laptop and take all this down, it's pretty fresh right now.

You know what? Just... you.

You get some rest... kiddo.

I'm older than you.

(phone chimes)

What's it say?

I can't tell you. The doctor gives you the results.

Please, you know what it says.

I-I can't wait any longer.

All right, just-just tell me what it says.

Well...

I guess I can tell you...

Thanks.

It's...

(Phone ringing)

Yello.

Hi. I just saw Instagram.

You're at the radiology lab? What happened?

Well, I got an interview at the Aloha Tech Center, like you said I would, but there was a problem with my application.

What?! Cal State Northridge isn't bad.

Yeah, no, it's not that.

They-they just thought my additional information was... a little...

A little what?

They just thought it was a bit pretentious.

Pretentious?

Yeah. They asked me if I went to Harvard, and, like, not in a good way.

What other way is there?!

Rebecca: That Harper Lee analogy was actually very well thought-out and trenchant.

And you have the nerve to sit here and not hire this man to hand out leis and sell VCRs?!

VCRs? Lady, there's no such thing.

Could you step outside?

(quietly) I'm sorry.

No, I will not step outside.

Listen to me. I have to tell you something very important.

I have an IQ of 164.

On the entire SAT, I got two questions wrong, and in subsequent years, those questions were stricken for being misleading, but I know... nothing about life.

Yeah. No.

Truly nothing.

Like... (laughs)

I make awful decisions.

Like, really. No, like, really awful decisions.

I mean, I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking, "Well, are you Audra Levine?"

And the answer is, Alex, no.

I'm not Audra Levine, and I never will be Audra Levine, okay?

But...

I do know one thing.

(inhales and exhales loudly through her nose)

And... is that Josh Chan loves you.

And, God, that makes you the luckiest person...

store... in the world.

And hiring him would be the best decision you've ever made.

(inhales and exhales loudly)

Oh, I can't believe it.

Neither can I.

I'm gonna be able to spend my whole day eating poké and talking about 4K TVs, and it's all because of you.

Thank you so much.

You're, like, so cool.

Oh, thank you, but really?

I mean, did you see me back there? I'm kind of a mess.

Are you kidding me?

You're, like, the smartest, most badass girl I know.

You crushed it in there!

But I, like, ruined your application.

Ah, it's... it was my fault.

I handed it in without reading it.

But then, last night, I sat down and actually read it.

And the parts I understood were great.

(both laughing)

I'm so glad you moved here, Becks.

Paula: Okay.

Rebecca: Oh, my gosh.

Here we go.

Okay.

Mmm!

Both: Mmm! Mmm!

(laughs) Oh!

Oh, my God, it's so good.

I know.

It's so wrong.

Mm-hmm.

But it's so right.

Yeah. Hey, what happened to your, um, healthy choices?

Led to the unhealthiest decision I ever made.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Mm.

That was dumb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(laughing)

(Phone plays tune)

Mm. Oh, that's my mom.

Mm.

Ignore.

(gasps) Now, that was a healthy choice, Cookie.

Mm.

Cheers.

Heather: So, in conclusion, my preliminary diagnosis of the subject is that she requires further study.

Seems to me like she doesn't fit in to any of the categories of your little book.

Man: Ms. Davis, she sounds like she's suffering from a number of classifiable disorders.

Well, I'm sure she is.

But you know what? I don't want to label her.

I just want to be her friend.

This class blows. I quit.

I knew I should have taken coding.

"Do you feel disgusted and uneasy with your current butter?"

"Make an effort, make a decision, don't make mistakes"?

Gary, you've been coming up with some really intense copy lately.

Don't get me wrong.

The butter is flying off the shelves, but... is everything okay?

I left my wife for a prostitute. (crying)