01x17 - Why Is Josh in a Bad Mood?

Rebecca: Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

Do you love her?

No. God, no.

Josh, focus on your girlfriend and on your family.

Are you kicking me out?

Bye, Josh.

Paula: If we're not chasing Josh, then you're not gonna want to hang out with me anymore, I know it.

Rebecca: This isn't about anyone else but you.

You're not second choice.

This is gonna be, like, three days of you and me just ruining each other.

♪ ♪

"Gaseity"?

What? That's not a word.

Incorrect. It is a word.

It is the state or condition of being gassy or gaseous, and, most importantly, it is 35 points for moi.

I think you're cheating.

Yep. Yeah, you're cheating. Give me your phone.

How could I be cheating?

Nope.

I'm sitting right next to you...

Hey! Hey! Give me your phone.

Give me your phone, let me see what you're doing. - Hey, hey!

I'm just curious how you're doing this. - Give me that.

Hello again.

Oh, hello.

Shall we?

Okay.

(Giggles)

(Breathing deeply)

Ugh. I gotta go to work.

No! No...

Boo work and life and clothing.

I don't want to leave the s*x cocoon.

So, I will, uh, call you later, or text you, and, uh, see if you want to play any, uh, "word games," if you know what I'm saying.

Hey, actually, um...

We should... we should probably talk for a second.

You probably want to talk about, you know, all these changes and how our relationship is evolving, 'cause we had such a complex history...

Oh, you mean because you, like, broke my heart a bunch of times?

I don't care about that anymore.

But... what?

But... no, no. But... you know.

We have so much drama and you've asked me out so many times and you... you ran to the courthouse.

Honestly, it's like a distant memory.

Okay.

So you-you...

You just want to keep things casual?

Yep. Just light and polite.

Except in the bedroom... you dig?

I dig. Yeah.

You're so pretty.

It's so cool that I get to say that to you now that I'm not all obsessed, you know?

It's great, isn't it?

Yep.

It's... yeah, oh, phee-ew.

It's great.

Yeah.

Peace.

Peace.

(Door opens)

Peace?

(Door closes)

♪ I was working hard at a New York job ♪
♪ making dough but it made me blue ♪
♪ one day I was crying a lot ♪
♪ and so I decided to move ♪
♪ to west Covina, California ♪
♪ brand-new pals and new career ♪
♪ it happens to be where Josh lives ♪
♪ but that's not why I'm here ♪
♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

What? No, I'm not.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

That's a sexist term.

♪ She's the crazy ex-girlfriend ♪

Can you guys stop singing for just a second?

♪ She's so broken inside ♪

The situation's a lot more nuanced than that.

♪ C-R-A-Z-Y ♪

Okay! We get it!

♪ ♪

What is up with you?

You got a bit of a glow about you.

Not a sweaty glow, but, like, a glowy glow.

(Gasps) Is this because you talked to...

No, no, no. Don't say his name.

Josh?

No.

I did not talk to Josh, because Josh is done.

We are done with Josh.

Okay?

Right.

Let's talk about something else.

How was your weekend?

Stupid.

Come on, Paula.

I need you to try, okay?

It got chilly. Right?

I had to take my sweaters out of the space bag.

Oh, my God, this is so boring!

Come on.

This is an apocalypse.

Do I smell Paula's famous blueberry almond pie?

Mm-hmm.

No, Darryl, you're a judge... you'll get plenty of pie at the contest.

Judge? Contest? What?

No, it's just this stupid pie contest I do every year.

It is not stupid. It's great.

And I'm a judge this year.

I just applied and I got in.

Paula: Okay, Darryl, go away.

Come on, we're talking.

Yeah, well, you know what? This is my office.

I pay for you guys to be here.

I think I've made my point.

(Sighs heavily)

Paula! Oh, my God, you never told me about a pie contest.

You're such a little liar.

What?

Yeah, according to the act of omission, it is a lie.

Calm down.

I lose every year. There's this woman, Peggy Rose... she owns the pie shop on East Cameron...

She always wins.

Well, this year, you're gonna win, 'cause I'm gonna help you.

Oh, no. No, no, no. I see what this is.

This isn't about pie... You're trying to distract me from Josh... you're trying to give us a new mission.

God, this is just like that time Scott and I decided to have that second kid.

Oh. No, it's not like that.

I'm not trying to distract you from my love life.

(Phone chimes)

Just one... sorry, one second.

I'm sorry, just, um...

Uh, you know what?

I am... gonna head out right now to the local pie supply shop...

Or grocery store.

Okay, to each his own.

And I'm gonna get all of the baking supplies we need to win.

And don't you worry about this, because I am on top of it, I'm all over it, I'm just covered in it.

(Exhales)

Mm, you really are awesome at that.

Good call on the bathroom, by the way.

Like, really good choice.

Thanks.

I used a new app... it shows you where all the nearest public bathrooms are.

It's for people with IBS, but it works great for us.

(Giggles)

Sorry, we couldn't go to my place.

Lately my Dad's been, uh...

Living there for 30 years.

Yeah, yeah, and, look, I wish we could go more to my place, but I just don't want Heather to see you coming and going.

I think it might be tacky and, you know, complex, and-and...

Shh, shh. Don't worry about it.

This is working out great. I love it.

Okay.

Great.

So, um...

You want to text me later?

Why don't you text me?

Oh. I see. So you're the boss now.

Yeah.

Okay. Well...

I will text you, then.

Yeah.

Oh, I'm gonna text you just how you like it with a ton of emojis...

There's gonna be, like, a pizza and a rocket, and you're gonna go be, like, "yeah... mmm... "

Mmm...

Mmm. These candles are amazing. Smell.

And how cute are these hats?

Mm.

Ah. It is such an honor that your sister asked me to do the gift bags for her wedding... I can't believe it.

Yeah, I'm happy you're happy, babe.

(Sighs)

I love weddings.

Two people coming together, pledging their devotion for the rest of their lives in front of all their friends and loved ones.

Yeah. That's a wedding.

It is so great that this wedding can remind us about what truly matters?

We have been tested, and now we're stronger than ever.

Yeah.

We know where we're headed.

We know what the future is.

We don't have to worry about Rebecca anymore.

Nothing and no one can come between us ever again.

(Quiet grunt)

Right?

(Inhales deeply)

(Drops gift bag, exhales)

♪ ♪

(Crickets chirping)

Rebecca: Okay, mama, I'm ready to bake.

I got so much fun stuff!

I got every single flour imaginable.

I got buckwheat flour and...

Spelt and almond flour...

Oh, my gosh, wait.

This is my favorite one.

Cricket flour.

Nope.

Yes. It's actually highly proteinaceous.

That is a word, incidentally, that I played today in Words with Friends, and I got a ton of points for it. Ah.

Which friend? Oh, it was a random play.

Yeah, some girl in Holland... uh, Goudagirl189.

Are you sure?

Are you sure you're just playing with... a friend?

Y-yeah. What are you talking about?

Uh, then why are your... panties in your pocket?!

What?

Oh, uh-huh.

Paula, okay, ew.

Paula, just... okay...

(whoops)

All right, okay, let's talk about our boundary issues, okay?

Come on, fess up... who are you sleeping with? Come on.

Okay, you know how horny I am, and I am totally on board for some post-heartbreak gettin' down, so tell me, who is it, who is it?

Who is it? Who is it?

It's no one. Really, it's no one.

I'm not having intercourse with anyone. Yeah.

Baby...

If you are getting your butterfly smashed, I am all for it...

As long as it's not Greg.

Greg? Why would you say... Why would you even, like, mention his name? That's weird.

Because he's always buzzing around you... he's, like, this sexy Italian fly, and you're, like, this old meatball in an alley.

You know what? I'm not sleeping with Greg.

Good. Look, I like the guy, I really do, but he is not romance material.

Okay, he is a booze hound, he is completely shut down, and he is angry.

(Gasps) He's kind of like that Star Wars villain.

You know, the new one, with the, like, the really great hair?

Paula, I get it. You don't like Greg. Okay?

Hey, not to mention, he is Josh's best friend, okay?

And if you sleep with Josh's best friend, that ruins any possibility for when you finally come to your senses and realize that you are meant for Josh.

Okay, okay, Paula, Paula, listen.

(Exhales) I promise...

Nobody, including Greg, is smashing my butterfly.

Oh, God, do it! Smash my butterfly!

(Exhales)

What?

So, the butterfly metaphor.

(Smacks lips) Oh... yeah, it's just a little something I picked up on the street.

Well, if we're going with obscure metaphors, I'm right there with you.

Oh, really? Lay some on me.

I don't know if you can handle it.

I can handle anything, Serrano.

I will crumble your zebra.

Uh-huh.

I will sauté your giraffe.

Oh, that's good.

I will flambé your cockatoo.

(Laughing): I like that one.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, hold on. I got to pee.

I'll be right back.

Good-bye.

(Gasps)

(Door opens)

Flambé your cockatoo.

(Door closes)

(Chuckles softly) I'm funny.

(Groaning)

That took a while.

What's up?

I, um... I'll be fine.

It just burns when I pee.

(Groans)

This has happened to me before.

I think I have a UTI.

Urinary tract infection.

What is that?

Oh, you're such a man.

Okay, so a UTI is an inflammation of the urethra caused by excessive amounts of vigorous sexual activity.

(Chuckles)

It also doesn't help if a man is too, uh...

Too... what?

Capacious.

Ooh! That's 25 points.

I don't know that word.

I must be dumb from all the blood rushing towards my capacious...

Okay, okay.

A UTI.

Huh.

(Laughs)

What? What's going on? Why are you clapping?

Like, seriously, what's happening?

♪ ♪

(Musical clanging)

♪ What's that's burning feelin' ♪
♪ every time you pee? ♪
♪ Well, that's how it goes after you have so ♪
♪ much awesome s*x with me, I gave you ♪
♪ a UTI ♪
♪ yeah, I gave you ♪
♪ a UTI ♪
♪ my sweet love injection ♪
♪ caused a urinary tract infection ♪
♪ I'm just that good, I didn't even try, try, try ♪
♪ I gave you a UTI ♪

Okay. So it's not really a comment on the quality of the s*x as much as a lot of s*x has been happening and there's just a very natural transfer of bacteria to my...

Don't ruin this for me.

♪ That bladder inflammation ♪
♪ is my little gift to you ♪
♪ yeah, sometimes chicks need medication ♪
♪ after what I put them through ♪

Come on, sing with me!

No, I'm not gonna do that.

♪ I gave you ♪
♪ I gave you, a UTI ♪
♪ a UTI, yeah, I gave you ♪
♪ I gave you, a UTI ♪
♪ a UTI ♪
♪ I'm so good at s*x ♪
♪ your maiden ship got wrecked ♪
♪ my pen1s is the reason you may die, die, die ♪
♪ I gave you a UTI ♪
♪ one night with me is pure ecstasy ♪
♪ 'cause I know just what you like ♪
♪ but you should know for a week or so you won't be able ♪
♪ to ride a bike ♪

I'm so sorry if you have to cancel that spin class.

I'll pay the cancellation fee, because I know a lot times you have to book a specific bike in advance.

Anyway... ♪ I gave you, I gave you ♪
♪ a UTI, a UTI, not an STD ♪
♪ no STDs, just to clarify ♪

Okay, good to know. Whoa.

♪ If it hurts to take a leak ♪
♪ well, that's just part of my technique ♪
♪ what has two thumbs and gave you a UTI? ♪
♪ This guy ♪
♪ I gave you a U-T-I ♪
♪ gave you a U-T-I gave you ♪
♪ a UTI... ♪

Oh.

Okay.

(Laughing)

Well, if one good thing can come from my searing pain, it's that it feeds your ego.

Oh, I'm just being silly. I'm kidding.

I'm fine. I caught it early. I'll just take some cranberry pills and painkillers.

Great, you got this.

Hey, um, I had a fun idea.

I was thinking maybe I could work remotely from... home base today. What do you... What do you think about that?

Yeah, sure. If you want.

Okay, great.

Mwah.

(Whistling)

Okay. I'll s... (Door opens)

I'll see you... there. (Door closes)

♪ ♪

Peppy Greg is weird. What's up?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Just a lovely day in the Cov'.

Do you have one of those brain tumors that changes your personality?

Can you play the violin now?

Serrano's in a good mood.

Yeah.

It's gross.

Like, I would've never slept with that guy.

So, why do you need so many home base bucks?

Welcome bags for my sister's wedding.

It's cute that you're helping Valencia out.

It's like you're an assistant bridesmaid.

(Scoffs)

But, dude, aren't you worried that marriage is contagious?

Like, Valencia's probably, like, all up on you to propose, right?

No, not really.

I mean, she's not hurrying me or anything.

She respects me too much.

(Laughing)

She respects you.

(Laughing)

Good one, bro. (Chuckling)

Hey, guys.

Greg: Hey!

Rebecca: Hi.

How are you?

It's been a while. I'm...

Oh, right. Yeah, I haven't seen you in, like, forever.

Yeah.

Rebecca: Um... so...

Do you want to come find me on your next break?

Yeah. You could help me in the back in the stockroom zest the porcupine.

Got it. Got it. Um, that sounds good. Yeah.

You do get it. Cool.

They look like they just spent three days having s*x and eating Chinese food.

What are you talking about?

Okay, in Psych 3, we studied human mating signals.

They just did all of them: Shrugging, eye contact, head tilting, flamingo leg.

Like... yep, flamingo leg.

Next step is copulation.

Oh. "Copulation" means "s*x."

I know what "copulation" means.

But you are losing it.

Greg and Rebecca?

But sh-she doesn't even like Greg, you...

You...

Dumb-face.

Whoa. Josh, pull it together, okay?

I'm just stating, like, clearly observable facts.

What? No.

I-I got to go, 'cause I don't want to catch your... dumbness.

(Sighs)

I have, like, the smartest face in here.

Okay, I'm gonna sit over there. I'm gonna stand over here.

Okay. Great. Okay.

So, dude, you finally got in there with Rebecca, huh?

That only took six months.

No, it's not like that.

Yeah, it's totally like that.

So, you and Greg are totally sleeping together.

No, it's not like that.

Um...

Yeah, it's totally like that.

Heather, I'm so sorry.

I've been meaning to tell you.

I was gonna hand-write you a letter, and then I was gonna seal it with a wax seal that I got in Colonial Williamsburg when I was 12 but I've never used it.

I didn't do that. I'm so sorry. Do you hate me?

No, it's cool.

You just have to get married and have eight babies.

What?

Well, you sleeping with my ex hurts my feelings, but it's okay if it's love.

It's the "meant to be" exemption.

Like, Woody and Soon-Yi are still together, so that, like, kind of makes it okay.

Do you get what I'm saying?

Um, okay.

That analogy doesn't really track, 'cause Greg's not my elderly de facto stepfather and also, um, we're not in love.

I mean, yet. I don't know.

I don't know how I feel. I don't know how he feels.

Should I call him? Should I ask him? I don't know.

Oh...

Wait.

Wait, what's happening to me?

How does he suddenly have the upper hand?

You've got the upper hand.

She was jerking your chain, and now she's jerking your chain.

Dude, you are bro-ing out so hard right now.

I'm just so happy for you. You know, before, you were all, like, "please let me have it. Please let me hold your taco while you sleep with another guy."

Okay, Hector, I get what you're saying.

I've had some tough times with Rebecca, a few situations where my status was perhaps a skosh less than hers...

Exactly. But now you're in the driver's seat, cruising down the 405, wind blowin' in your hair, listening to Backstreet Boys.

Keep it goin'.

That way she can't burn you again.

I don't know what's going on with me.

I mean, something, something has changed in this whole dynamic, because I am in this bar, drinking bad coffee, just so I can be close to him?

Ew, I feel so stupid.

Oh, dude, don't get down on yourself.

It's, like, simple biology.

Okay, s*x releases oxytocin, which causes the female to imprint emotionally on the male.

I got a b+ in physical science, so...

(Sighs)

By the way, how long have you been in community college?

Eight years.

Rebecca, it's simple.

Before s*x, women have the power.

After, men have it.

That's a horrible thing to say.

I didn't make it up.

Hi.

Nope. Nope.

Okay, I'm a smart woman. I have multiple degrees.

So I'm not gonna do this.

I'm going to go do my work back at work.

Because at work, I am valued for things like my intelligence, my skills, and my professional acumen, which I, as a smart woman, also value.

So, yeah, me and my dumb ovaries are getting out of here.

Okay. I don't... I'm gonna carry it.

Greg, um, I will text you later, okay? I'm gonna go.

Uh, I'm gonna head out. So, uh, do you want to text me later? Maybe I can text... I can text you later, because I don't know how late you're... working.

Damn it.

(Indistinct chatter)

Hey, Sensei, you mind if I use the Dojo for a few minutes?

What's up?

Well, you ever have a friend and another friend and then you run into that friend and find out that the first two friends are maybe doing stuff that friends aren't supposed to do if they're just friends?

You know?

Say no more.

♪ ♪

Josh: ♪ Angry! ♪
♪ Feeling bad! ♪

(Grunts)

♪ Why do I feel this way? ♪
♪ Angry! Mad! ♪
♪ My heart is hurting, and it feels... bad! ♪
♪ Punching, ♪
♪ feeling, crying, and... ♪

(Groans)

♪ Bad! ♪

♪ ♪

(Groans)

♪ Bad! ♪

♪ ♪

(Indistinct conversations)

This is exciting.

Right? Isn't this great?

We're gonna figure out Peggy Rose's secret ingredient.

Hmm?

It's fun.

We're doing some es-pie-onage.

(Laughs) I just thought of that.

That was pretty good. Hey, you know what's even better?

What?

My list that I put together of the people you could possibly be sleeping with.

Oh, come on!

Order of my preference. One, the guy from spin class.

Two, your spin instructor. Three, John Stamos.

Okay, stop talking about this. I'm not sleeping with anyone.

No sexy time. I'm not... having s*x... with anyone.

Let's drop it and focus on pie.

Oh, there she is. There's Peggy Rose.

Let's follow her.

Let's stalk her, let's see what she does.

No, we can't do that. It's the middle of the day.

Plus, we're not... cartoon detectives.

I know.

What if we came back at night... broke in?

It's a real devious plan. You love devious plans.

Eh...

Only if they're about Josh.

Tonight. We're gonna do it. It's a date.

Mm-hmm. Moi et toi.

That's French for "me and you."

What? Oh.

Yeah. Just...

Why is it still... you want... again?

Yay.

All right.

Ah, ah, ah... dude, I wasn't finished with that.

What are you in such a rush about?

The bar doesn't close till 11:00 and most of the customers have an 8:00 P.M. bedtime.

I'm closing early. There's no one's here.

And I'm meeting Rebecca at her place later.

She wants me there in half an hour.

Oh, so, she tells you where to go and what to do.

Sounds like you're her little pet.

Or shall I say, her little bitch.

Oh, calm down.

You're spending way too much time with Rebecca.

You're in a danger zone here, all right?

You need to stay on track, and head on down the highway.

And how do I do that, Kenny Loggins?

Easy. Saturday night I have a date with a girl named Angie.

She's bringing her cousin from Denver, and Angie says she's fun.

What does that mean?

It means she's fun. Don't be disgusting.

Greg, dating other people is the number-one way to maintain the upper hand.

So, are you in?

(Sighs)

Honey, guess what? I am almost done with the gift bags.

I just need you to fill 28 little potpourri sachets of cloves and lavender and then we're done.

(Refrigerator door closes)

Later. I have to take a shower.

What is wrong, hon?

I'm just... I'm in a bad mood.

Uh...

What, I can't be in a bad mood?

It's like, people think, "oh, Josh is such a nice guy, Josh is so happy-go-lucky, Josh can't be in a bad mood." But you know what?

Josh can be in a bad mood, and right now Josh is be in a bad mood.

Okay, you are being so weird.

Do you want company in that shower?

I'm... okay, you know, I'm sorry, just...

Not right now. Another time.

Are you rejecting me?

Are you turning down s*x?

Josh can turn down s*x.

And... and-and that's what he is be doing.

(Scoffs)

What is wrong with Josh?

♪ ♪

I'm here for you, my son.

You're gonna have to stop calling that.

We're the same age, brah.

Whoa. Josh, why are you getting so crabby, man?

Is it 'cause you keep losing?

You can't beat yourself up for that, because I've got Jesus on my side.

All right... that's not your piece. I'm red.

Why is everyone always telling me what to do all the time?

Sorry, FB. I've been snapping at everyone, especially Valencia.

Hmm.

(Whispers): I even turned down s*x.

Wow.

Josh, that's a big "wow" for you.

I didn't even know men were capable of doing that.

Well, they... they are.

Oh, duh. I'm sorry.

Mm-hmm.

Eh, it's okay, sometimes I forget, too.

Can you identify the moment that you became so upset?

It was at...

Home Base.

Greg made me upset.

Okay. In what way?

He was just being a big dumb-face.

Why does Rebecca like him?

Why is she all buddy-buddy with him?

He's just a stupid know-it-all.

He's also your best friend.

Right? I mean, what did Greg do that made you so frustrated other than... befriend Rebecca?

I don't know.

What do you think?

Well, can I be honest?

I think you're acting like a little bitch right now.

Whoa! Dude!

Josh, you kissed Rebecca, but then you chose Valencia.

And now you can't let go of Rebecca's attention and adoration, and that's why you're jealous of Greg, dude.

And that's how you're acting like a little bitch.

Okay? If Rebecca seems happy, you got to bow out, dawg.

Let it be.

You're all up in someone else's beeswax right now.

(Sighs)

It's your move.

It's your checkers move.

Oh, yeah. Sorry.

Mm-hmm.

♪ ♪

Mmm. Oh, my God, I was so hungry.

Here, have the last lettuce cup.

Really?

You love hand-held salads.

You said that you're still hungry and it looks delicious.

And you remembered?

You just said it.

I know, but...

You're really sweet.

Like...

You're just...

You're the sweetest.

What do you say we break the sexual tension...

With some actual s*x?

(Chuckles) O... okay.

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, wait, how is your, um... situation?

Oh, fine.

Don't worry about it. Yeah.

♪ ♪
♪ You've been tearing me up for a week and a half ♪
♪ I don't mean like in my heart ♪
♪ I mean, physically ♪
♪ you've been tearin' me up ♪
♪ it's D-day in my lady parts ♪
♪ but as I'm begging for more ♪
♪ writhing around on the floor ♪
♪ I feel something deep inside ♪
♪ I never felt before ♪
♪ oh, my God, I think I like you ♪
♪ oh, my God, I think I like you ♪
♪ it's scary but you send me back on my heels ♪
♪ 'cause while I'm getting spanked ♪
♪ I can't ignore the feels ♪
♪ but I say ♪
♪ no, no, no, this is just about s*x ♪
♪ and no, no, no, don't be such a girl, Becks ♪
♪ but then I feel the oxytocin creeping back to my brain ♪
♪ and all I can do is sing it again ♪
♪ oh, my God ♪
♪ I think I like you ♪
♪ why can't I just focus on getting a pounding? ♪
♪ On the bidness goin' on near my thighs? ♪
♪ But as my body's getting ruined ♪
♪ like, really trashed ♪
♪ I only want to look in your eyes ♪
♪ but then I'm upside down ♪
♪ next to my kitchen sink ♪
♪ and suddenly it's like oh my god ♪
♪ I think I like you ♪
♪ oh, my God, I think I like you ♪
♪ my feelings get stronger every day ♪
♪ I'm like a little girl ♪
♪ not in a role playing way ♪
♪ are there condoms that can prevent these feelings?

♪ Is there spermicidal lubricant ♪
♪ that can kill ♪
♪ the fluttering in my heart? ♪
♪ Is there an I-U-D ♪
♪ That can stop the image of ♪
♪ you and me ♪
♪ getting married on a hillside surrounded by ducks ♪
♪ and then we get into a rowboat? ♪
♪ Oh, my God, I think I like you ♪
♪ Oh, my God, I think I like you ♪
♪ But I say no, no, no ♪
♪ no, no, no ♪
♪ no, no, no ♪
♪ no, no, no. ♪

(Sighs)

(Gasps)

What's wrong?

I got to go. I got to break into a pie shop.

What?

Good-bye.

Cool, see you. I'm gonna nap now.

(Dog barking in distance)

I'm here, I'm here, I'm here.

You're late. I have been standing in front of this stupid pie shop for 20 minutes.

I'm so sorry.

Why do you smell like spit?

No I don't. It's not spit. What?

Okay, I feel stupid in these outfits.

No, you love our stalking outfits.

You always say how slimming they are.

Yeah, but we're stalking pastry, and it's just...

It's not sexy.

Oh, my God, stop ruining this. Just come on.

(Sighing)

Come on!

Okay.

Oh, damn it. Oh, no, I really have to pee.

Well, can't you hold it?

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, of course, I'm sorry. I...

I drank a lot of water before this because I was nervous.

Uh, okay.

Look at that, look at that. She's totally adding something to the crust.

Look. (Gasps) She is doing something secretive.

She has a secret ingredient of some kind.

I knew it, I knew it.

But what is... you think it's extra sugar?

It's lard?

Heroin?

You never know.

The second she's gone, we're going in.

Okay.

Oh!

(Whispering): Okay...

(British accent): The coast appears to be clear.

Awesome.

Let us retrieve the package.

Okay, I will stay here and be the lookout.

Okay. Great.

All right.

What's... what are you doing?

Rebecca, what are you doing?

Just in case there are lasers.

There aren't... that's so stupid.

Oh, wait. I have an idea.

What?

Okay. Watch this.

No, no.

No, no, d... please don't touch the...

(Exhales sharply)

Okay, we are good on lasers.

Right. Great.

I don't know.

What if it's booby-trapped?

It's a refrigerator.

Just... open the door, Tom Cruise.

You're just, like, no fun right now.

(Sighs)

All right.

(Sings quietly): ♪ Ah... ♪

(singsongy): All right, I got it.

Did you just pee yourself?

I have two kids. I know that face.

No, it's fine. It's just a little squirt.

My pants got most of it. Catch this! Wait. Oh.

Okay. Come on.

Okay. Heee!

No, you don't have to...

All right, you know what?

(Sighs heavily)

(Clattering)

Okay.

(Sighs) We've got the secret ingredients, so let's figure out what it is.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You want to Bunsen burner that thing? Ooh.

Better yet, I have a centrifuge I bought in Colonial Williamsburg when I was 12... I've never used it, but I brought it to West Covina.

Okay, maybe... or just taste it, just taste it. Okay.

♪ ♪

It's...

Yeah, it's unsalted butter.

Whoa!

Is that common? I don't cook.

Yeah. No, everybody uses it.

She's just a better baker than me.

(Chuckles) And, you know, that's no secret.

I don't know what I was thinking.

It's okay.

You know what? Screw this.

(Sighs) You don't need a secret ingredient.

Right? Just like we don't need a secret ingredient.

We've been having so much fun without talking about you know who, and it's been amazing...

Because it doesn't matter what we do, as long as we do it together.

So...

Forget all I was saying about winning, and let's just have fun and bake a pie.

Okay.

Okay.

You know, you're right. You are right.

Let's do this.

Yeah.

Okay. Hey, boob five.

Oh, yeah.

(Grunts)

Wow, just... every time.

Sorry, they're heavy.

(Dog barking in distance)

(TV playing indistinctly)

Hey, I had a thought.

Hmm?

Um...

I was thinking that tomorrow night...

You know, before... pound time, um... I don't know, that we could go to this drive-in in Alhambra.

I-I read that they're showing Casablanca, and...

I just thought it would be fun for you and I to spend some... you know, time together in an outdoor setting.

Or indoors. I mean, cars are indoors and...

You get what I'm saying?

Yeah, sounds like a great idea.

Yeah?

Oh, wait, tomorrow night?

Yeah, do you have work?

Do you have, like, a hot date?

Wait. Seriously, you do?

You do.

Oh, well, not exactly.

Hec-Hector wants me to meet this girl...

Uh-huh, and you said yes?

Well I haven't said anything either way... yet.

Uh-huh.

But you didn't say no right away.

Given our history I thought I should at least... considering...

Yeah. (Laughs)

Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh.

I-I... absolutely yes, you should go on a date.

We are not exclusive.

Hmm.

Umm, I mean totally. I myself have like um... eight dates... lined up like you.

Eight?

Yeah. I got a matinee one day.

I'm, like, on a, um, Broadway schedule.

Oh. Okay, that's cool.

Mm. Mm.

(Smacks lips) So...

You have a...

Great date.

Okay, I will.

And you...

Break a leg?

Yeah. Cool.

(Sighs): You know...

I think this pie could actually take the cake First place in cake. It's weird.

Mm-hmm.

You okay?

Yeah. Sorry. Feeling a little weird.

Don't worry. I'm fine.

Okay. Yeah.

Mmm...

Yup, good mouth feel.

Mm-mm got a nice flaky under-crust.

I'm getting lime, I'm getting cardamom, I'm getting just a note of cheddar.

Also...

You just fill out a card, sir.

Oh. Sorry.

Ooh, what do we have here?

Ooh... lemon meringue!

(singsongy): Sebastian.

(Chuckles)

For me? Thank you.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Oh, damn it... that woman is a pastry witch.

Ow.

Do you need to sit down?

No. No, no, no.

I'm fine.

Okay.

You know, I'm so glad we did this together.

You were right about us.

Yeah.

Darryl: Hello, ladies.

I will not be greeting you by name, not will I be looking you directly in the eyes, for I am impartial.

(Whispers): I am so voting for you ladies.

I love you guys so much. I love you both a lot, and I love Paula's pies, and I just feel so inspired...

Woman: Who's next?

By your friendship every day.

Judges! Yes, well, I am ready now to sample Paula's Pretty Pecan Pie, if I may.

Sebastian, for you.

Thank you.

Mmm...

Mmm...

Mmm... mmm...

Oh... mmm...

Oh, my God, they love it.

(Sighs, whispers): Rebecca, they love it.

(Rebecca thuds)

Oh, my God!

Honey, what's wrong?

(Groans)

Hector: Yo, Greggy!

Over here.

This is Angie.

Nice to meet you, Greg.

And this is her cousin, Brandy.

Hello Brandy.

Hi, Greg. I've heard a lot about you.

Well, I hope it wasn't all...

I'm sorry, I need to go.

Nice meeting you.

(Awkward chuckle): B-bro, so rude.

Is it Rebecca?

I'm sorry. She needs me.

Dude. If you go now, you're done.

You'll never get the upper hand again.

Well, I guess we'll just have to have a threesome.

Really?

No. She's my cousin.

Gross. Ew.

(Awkward chuckle)

Everything's gonna be okay, cookie.

I am right here.

Oh! And I forgot to tell you we won!

Yeah. Just as they were dragging your little body away, they-they announced...

Paula's Pretty Pecan Pie won!

(Sighs)

Oh, my poor, sweet, innocent little thing, Wha...

What happened to you?

What are you doing here?

Rebecca texted me. Is she okay?

I'm-I'm waiting for the doctor. Why'd she text you?

Paula, I came as soon as I got your text.

Ah, you told Josh to come.

That makes sense.

Wh-what's wrong with her?

Is she okay?

Doctor, what's wrong with my cookie?

I don't know what's wrong with your cookie, but hers is a mess. (Laughing)

I'm sorry, that was inappropriate.

It's her pee-hole that's been destroyed.

What?

She has a UTI and didn't take any meds, so the infection went to her kidneys and...

(Imitates explosion) Man down!

You're a colorful doctor.

Thank you. I am taking standup classes at Claremont at night when my wife is working.

I'm pretty alone at night.

A UTI.

(Breathy laugh)

So you are sleeping with someone. I knew it!

And after you specifically swore that you weren't!

God, we don't keep secrets!

They have boundary issues.

Hey, we don't keep secrets, and we don't lie to each other, okay?

We've discussed it, and we don't do it.

Sleeping with someone? Who is Rebecca sleeping with?

(Chuckles): Yeah! That's what I would like to know.

Uh, I sense a truth bomb coming.

Everyone take cover.

Uh, yeah, it's me. (Sighs)

No.

Yeah.

No.

No, it can't be you.

It's definitely me.

It's not you. She told me it wasn't you.

It can't be you.

You're sleeping with Rebecca?

All the time. A lot.

It's Greg? It's Greg? You're sleeping with Greg?!

(Inhales sharply)

♪ ♪

Rebecca?

How could you?

♪ ♪

Lot of differences between men and women.

Lot of differences, lot of differences.

As a doctor, I notice a lot of differences, a lot of differences.

Hey, you ever notice how when a male patient dies, he's all like... (Flatlining tone)

But when a female patient dies, she's like, “beep, beep, beep!”

(chuckles)