02x05 - Why is Josh's Ex-Girlfriend Eating Carbs?

Previously on Crazy Ex-Girlfriend...

So, you don't like my boyfriend?

No. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. No, I have, like, told you.

I just want to be his friend, just like I keep trying to be your friend.

I thought Rebecca Bunch was our problem, but it's you.

We're over for good.

Darryl: I don't want to say I don't like anyone as much as you, but...

I think I just said it.

That's really sweet.

Oh, my God. It's Valencia.

Hi, Valencia.

Look, I know something's been up with you lately and I want to know what it is.

Really. I mean it this time.

Paula: You know, I had a thing.

I figured it out.

It's... I'm just so happy to see you.

Okay, I need some air. Some... air. Hey, hey, Josh, wait.

No, No, Rebecca, I need more than air.

I can't do this.

This is just a fight.

This is a fight. All couples fight.

No.

I don't want to see you anymore.

Josh. Hey, no, Josh!

[Door slams]

Rebecca: Isn't that fascinating?

What are you talking about?

No, I-it's not weird.

It's all in this book.

I've been devouring it.

Okay, so, this book says that in many species, including primordial man, females used grooming and other bonding techniques to lower their cortisol levels.

And these bonding techniques strengthen the entire species.

So, that's what Valencia and I need to do, I think.

I think we need to heal and bond and we need to do it together.

Valencia doesn't want to bond with you.

When she saw you here the other day, she just grabbed her now donut and her later donut and stomped out.

She hates you.

Uh, no, no, she doesn't.

She thinks she does because we're enmeshed in the same toxic male.

Josh Chan.

Oh, my God.

So, I need to find a way for Valencia and me to connect at like-like... on a really primal level.

You just want someone who will yammer about Josh with you all day long because with me, every time you mention Josh, I make you give me five dollars.

By the way, you owe me $300.

Look... you're wrong.

I'm gonna find some way for Valencia and I to transcend Josh together.

Damn it. I said it again.

Okay, just take a bunch of money and deduct it from my Josh fund.

Damn it, I said Josh's name.

I don't know why I agreed to this.

I must be crazy.

♪ I'm just a girl in love ♪
♪ La-la-la, lovey-dove ♪
♪ I can't be held responsible for my actions ♪
♪ She's an ingenue ♪
♪ I have no underlying issues to address ♪
♪ I'm certifiably cute and adorably obsessed ♪
♪ They say love makes you crazy ♪
♪ Therefore, you can't call her crazy ♪
♪ 'Cause when you call her crazy ♪
♪ You're just calling her in love. ♪

Blam!

Paula: You know, most women don't want to bond with a fellow ex, so...

Yeah, but if Valencia and I hate each other, then that means Josh wins.

Wins what?

Have you ever read Roxane Gay?

Oh, my God.

Have you read Roxane Gay's Op-Eds in The New York Times?

You have to check them out.

Can we talk about this later?

Because class is about to start and I just... you know, p...

Got it, okay. Okay.

For your first day, I packed you some lunch.

Oh.

And here's an extra juice box in case you get thirsty.

Aw.

Mwah.

Okay, stop, stop.

All the other kids are looking at me.

Okay.

Oh, and hey, on our way home, I'm gonna read you some more of that Blood and Lice book.

Please don't.

Also... my throat hurts.

Are you gonna drink that extra juice box?

Take it.

Thanks!

Bye.

(exhales)

Kids. (chuckles)

So selfish. Am I right?

Oh, um... my daughters are also very self-involved.

They're only three.

They want to talk about Pegasuses, like, all day.

Oh, no, that's-that's not my daughter.

That's my best friend.

Sorry. Wait, really?

I... she just had that me-me-me-me vibe.

No. No, no, no, she's terrific.

I mean, she's... been a little distracted lately, but she wrote me the most amazing recommendation for law school.

Hey.

I mean, I couldn't use it, because she... gave it to me too late...

Oh. but... no.

You're right.

Uh... our friendship is a little bit more about her than me... and, I mean, I get it, I'm Barb, she's Nancy, and I just...

You know, I tell myself that she's fragile, but you know, I just had an abortion, damn it.

(loudly): It would've been nice to talk to my best friend (quietly): about it.

I am so sorry.

I should not have blurted that out.

My wife killed herself nine months ago.

Oh, wow, you win.

I'll always take a win.

(chuckles)

(laughs nervously)

L-Look, I-I know how hard it is to be honest with people you love.

I still haven't told my daughters the truth.

I told them she went to a mom farm upstate where moms run around all day. (snorts)

(laughs)

Hi, I'm Paula.

Hey, I'm Sunil.

Rebecca: So, you understand, by ingesting each other's lice, we will also ingest each other's pain and sorrow.

Ew. The only person I knew with lice was Susie Reynolds in third grade and she got her clothes from a Dumpster.

It's all in this book. Here, just read the book.

Just check out the book, okay?

Oh, wow.

Look at this place, it's... kind of a mess.

But... Valencia!

Are these muffins?

Are you eating carbs?

I am so proud of you, girl.

I know.

I'm super fat.

Thanks for reminding me.

What? No, you're not fat.

You're like most people's wedding goal weight.

Rebecca, I don't want to talk to you, okay?

Get out of my apartment.

Valencia, I know why you're mad and...

I'm not mad.

I always knew you were trying to steal Josh from me, just like Susie Reynolds always tried to steal my half-eaten Lunchables out of the trash.

Is Susie Reynolds okay?

She's fine.

She's a state senator now.

Point is, I dumped Josh. You were his failed rebound.

That's all.

Now go.

No. No, no.

Valencia, I insist on connecting with you.

(groans loudly)

Listen...

I just lost Greg forever.

Like... he-he disappeared, and also I got rejected by Josh.

Both of us got rejected by Josh.

Us?

I made a choice to end that relationship.

We're not in the same boat.

Now, please, I want to be left alone and I'm fine.

No, no, you're not.

You're not fine, you're sad like me.

I mean, look at you.

Look, I-I eat muffins three times a day.

It's NBD for me, but for you it's a big ol' cry for help.

Okay, good-bye.

But I'm-I'm here to answer that call.

Valencia, come on.

I promise I won't talk about Josh.

Oh.

Hmm.

Whoa.

What happened here?

I came in early to organize.

Look at what I did with the remote control boxes.

Isn't it great?

I am gonna untangle those bad boys next.

Bro, your shift doesn't start for another six hours.

What are you doing here?

Mm-mm, just sorting things clears my head.

You know, as a kid, I used to spend hours sorting LEGOs by color, shape and number of bumpy things.

I miss simpler times.

Dude, why are you bumming so hard?

I don't know.

It's been a weird few weeks.

Um, my best friend moved away; White Josh has a serious boyfriend; Hector and his mom started a dating advice podcast, I broke up with two girls in two months...

Ah, that's what it is.

The girls.

You're a girlfriend guy, I can tell.

(scoffs)

Yeah.

A serial monogamist.

I was just like you.

I get it.

It's hard being alone.

What?

I'm fine with being alone.

Look, listen.

I love solitaire; I love Solo cups, I love playing Uno...

That game's for two people.

What?

You can do it, Josh.

You can be alone.

You'll get used to it and then... you'll be fine.

I'm fine now.

Being alone is fine with me.

(sighs)

(under breath): Yeah, I...

(whistling)

♪ Well, I don't mind being alone ♪
♪ No, no ♪
♪ I'm not afraid of what enters my mind ♪
♪ When I'm solo ♪
♪ I'm fully capable of taking advantage of this time ♪
♪ No, I don't mind ♪
♪ Being alone with my thoughts ♪
♪ Oh, oh, I'm totally fine ♪
♪ Alone with my thoughts ♪
♪ Check it ♪
♪ Life is so sweet when you take it light ♪
♪ Nothing can go wrong when the sun is bright ♪
♪ That reminds me that I barely passed lifeguard school ♪
♪ That's why that kid almost died in that pool ♪
♪ That's a bad thought ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ I don't like that thought ♪
♪ No, no, no, no, no, no, no ♪

Chill out.

♪ The breeze in my hair ♪
♪ Everything is free ♪
♪ Nothing wrong with you, nothing wrong with me ♪
♪ What happens if I get sent to hell? ♪
♪ Will it be like that time I tore my ACL? ♪
♪ That's another bad thought ♪
♪ Oh, no, no, no, no, no ♪
♪ Thought bubbles in my mind ♪

_

♪ Poppin' thought bubbles from time to time ♪
♪ I used to like guacamole, now I don't like guacamole ♪
♪ What if I stop liking other things I like? ♪
♪ Like, what if I stop liking my mom? ♪
♪ If it worked on guacamole, it could work on my mom ♪
♪ And now these thoughts are tapping me on the shoulder ♪
♪ I'm like, "One second, bro, I'll be right over" ♪
♪ And now the thought and I are fighting in a bar ♪
♪ And I can't beat the thought 'cause he's super swoll ♪
♪ 'Cause the thought hits the gym more than I do ♪
♪ If I can't even hit the gym ♪
♪ How will I ever be a good father? ♪
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa ♪
♪ Gotta dial back these dark thoughts ♪
♪ Dark like Edgar Allan Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe, Poe ♪
♪ Oh, these thoughts ♪
♪ Complex like videos by OK Go, Go, Go, Go, Go, Go ♪
♪ I just wanna chill on the lawn ♪
♪ Like the Obama's dog Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't be alone ♪
♪ With my thoughts. ♪

Wow, a shirt with sleeves...

You meeting the president? Ah, that's a good bit.

What number muffin is that for today?

I feel like every time I'm in here, you're piling another one down the hatch.

Yeah, well, you're in here a lot, 'cause, we get it, you and Darryl are in love.

Oh, uh, we don't say that to each other.

I haven't met his daughter yet, so...

An insecurity.

Me likey.

You know what's good for when you feel insecure?

Muffins, that's... yeah.

Yeah.

Hmm?

No, thank you.

Hey, babe.

Oh.

Are you ready for this?

Uh, okay.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Open.

Ah... (yelling)

They're awesome, right?

They are, yes.

They're like athletic pants.

Okay, that's something.

We are totally gonna fit in on the Mesa.

What's the Mesa?

Well, The Electric Mesa.

It's the San Gabriel Valley's version of Burning Man.

Mm.

And I've never been, but WiJo, he's a veteran Mes Face.

Well, I don't know.

Oh, okay, that sounds cool.

Yeah.

I'm really looking forward to it.

It's gonna be great.

I mean, it's very primal.

Mm.

Mmm.

But it's a real place where you can connect, refresh, heal.

You read that brochure, huh?

(laughs) Like, a thousand times.

Can I see that brochure?

Sure.

Connect, refresh, heal.

Fascinating.

(knocking)

Hi.

Stop coming here!

Okay, uh, listen, I know you don't like me, per Se.

But I, uh, was on my way to Dairy Queen.

Found myself in the neighborhood and I was craving a chicken strip basket.

You want to come?

So you really want me to be fat.

Valencia, again, you're not fat.

(sighs)

Come on, Valencia, we could go, get a Blizzard, maybe talk about Josh a little?

Stop talking about Josh!

That's what this is, isn't it?

You want to find someone who will moan and cry and be sad about Josh.

No. No, I... That's not why I'm here.

I legitimately just was craving some chicken basket.

And a Blizzard.

Maybe two.

Come on.

Come on, it's on me.

Okay, here's the deal.

I will take the free food.

But we can't talk about Josh and it's only because I'm hungry.

Postmates won't deliver to me anymore.

You throw a cold meatball sub at one guy...

All right, let's get the show on the road.

Oh, you may want to go to the bathroom before we leave.

I need to pee before we go six blocks?

Yes, that is the distance we will be traveling.

Connect, refresh... heal.

♪ ♪

Valencia: Connect, refresh, heal?

This is more like starve, sweat and hand sanitize.

(sighs) This is worse than that tent city Susie grew up in.

Again, don't worry about her.

She just passed a homeless reform bill.

Oh, my God, that's beautiful.

Seriously, this is foul.

Okay, Valencia, you agreed to come here.

Only because you locked the door and talked for an hour.

And I'm too tired to fight with you.

And plus, I really don't have anything else to do.

Valencia, you're gonna have a good time here, okay?

I know it's weird, but it's gonna be great.

I promise.

Anyway, look, I got us a tiny tent. Mm.

Come on, let's find a spot for it.

(groans)

Come on, come on.

Rebecca: Also, I packed you some extra clothes.

They're my workout clothes, so they've never been worn.

They're gonna look great on you.

Incidentally, um, it really looks like you've already lost some weight, since we got here a couple minutes ago.

That's... that's kind of disconcerting.

Are you drinking water?

Okay, can you stop talking about my weight?

I get it, I'm a ginormous 6, junior 5/7, so just shut up about it.

Okay, fine.

Just a fun fact, the national average size is actually a 12, so, you know, you're, you're very petite.

Okay.

Let's do an activity!

Come on, let's get a smile on that face.

Let's, uh, tie-dye each other's hair, or yarn bomb a car?

Or, you know, we could just talk about our shared trauma?

Oh, my God, stop it. I told you, no more talking about healing and trauma, okay?

The only shared trauma you and I are gonna bond over are those communal Porta Pottis.

Oh, not a problem for me, I love a good public poo.

It's like, leave it and forget it.

Not my mess!

Hey, hey...

Put your hand down.

White Josh: And the thing that most people forget is that the area underneath the tent has to be clear, because insects are super attracted to debris.

You're so great at all this outdoorsy stuff.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, my God, everyone is so young.

I feel like... a weird uncle.

Oh, there's a regular-aged person.

Oh, hey. Carl.

Oh, hey, Josh! Hey, buddy.

(chuckling): You said you weren't coming this year.

Oh, well, I talked him into it.

Oh. Hi, I'm Darryl. I'm... the boyfriend.

It's so nice to see an oldster like yourself making the journey. Good for you.

Oh, nice to meet you, too.

I am so happy you're here.

I was worried that I would be the only person that knows who Marlo Thomas is.

Oh, are you kidding?

When she's a mannequin in the window and she winks?

(laughing)

(both laughing)

Yeah.

I am trying to listen and type and understand.

Shh.

I just missed the thing.

(professor speaking indistinctly)

Good God, man.

What?

What black magic is that?

Well, it... it looks like some sort of specialized note-taking app.

Oh, damn it, I just wrote "black magic."

Excuse me, sir, hello.

Hi. Hi.

Sorry to interrupt.

Um, may I ask, what kind of note-taking app is that?

Noneya.

Noneya? Great, and I can find that at iTunes or...

As in, Noneya bidness, bitch.

(gasps)

And I thought my son was rude.

(exhaling slowly)

But, like, what is Josh looking for?

'Cause you and I are amazing, and so I can't figure out, like, what else he thinks is out there?

Actually, I think he might be on the spectrum, so I was reading a checklist online and he...

Shh!

Shh! I am trying to enjoy my sensory bath.

(sighs)

Okay, one more thing.

I actually think he has (groans) narcissistic personality disorder, which is a whole other checklist.

But it specifies...

Sherpa Allen, this woman is inviting negative thoughts.

Be still, child.

(smacking lips) Mmm, baba ghanoush.

(sighs) You know, I forgot, I do kind of enjoy this.

Josh, when we were dating, they didn't have this cool, sensatory immersion thing, right?

Nah.

What? (chuckles)

When who was dating?

Oh, me and Carl.

What? (chuckles)

You-you guys?

You mean, when you say dating, you mean, like carbon dating?

Like looking at fossils and that kind of thing?

You mean like dating dating? Why?

Uh...

Well, we met at a party.

No, no, I meant, we met 15 minutes ago and no one said anything.

Uh...

(imitating Josh): Uh, uh.

Your silence is deafening.

(power surging)

Man: What happened to the music?

Okay, we must have blown out a speaker.

Uh, who has a didgeridoo?

I do. Right here, of course.

Oh.

Oh, man, the music stopped.

Now this place really sucks.

Well, at least Josh isn't here.

Do not say the word "Josh""

Josh. Hey, dude.

One of our event sound systems just blew out.

I need someone to run out and fix it.

So... grab your water bottle and some body glitter, my friend, you're heading to Electric Mesa.

God, my notes are the worst.

What's "scandalous French toast"?

I don't know.

(groans)

I can't even concentrate, I keep thinking about that guy.

I hate him.

And now I want French toast.

You know what?

We can't just sit here and take it while that... jerk is out there with his fancy spaceship notes.

(scoffs) We need that spaceship.

We deserve... that spaceship.

Okay, this is gonna sound weird, but what do you have in the way of caper clothes?

I have Lycra for small spaces, I have camo, I have a zip-up hoodie... What do you need?

Um... I gave up skulking for Rebecca, but this is skulking for me.

Plus, I... I really love saying the word "skulk""

Skulk, skulk, skulk, skulk.

(changing pitch): Skulk, skulk.

No, it's lost its meaning.

Oh, no. Let me try again.

Skulk. Ah, there it is.

Oh! Hey!

♪ ♪

Come on, Valencia, what's wrong now?

I tried, but this place is doing nothing for me except introducing me to new body smells.

(groans) I can't get an Uber!

So just, I want to leave and I'm just gonna take your car, so you can find a ride.

I need your keys.

You have to come get 'em. They're in my underpants.

Oh, my God.

Valencia, you can't leave. We haven't bonded yet.

Look at where we are.

It's so beautiful. Look at the, the colorful toadstools and the eggs.

It's what... it's what I imagine Easter to be like if I had been allowed to believe in Jesus!

I saw a woman with a bikini top made of the Bill of Rights!

This is amazing, so let's bond, okay?

Hey, let's start small.

Look at that. I'm thirsty. Are you thirsty?

I am a little parched.

All right, come on.

(groans softly)


(in British accent): Hello, hello, my ladies, welcome to high tea!

Ah! She's British. Um...

(in British accent): Verily, I would like to sample some of your earthy water.

(American accent): Huh?

Let's just drink it. Let's drink it, yeah.

To the queen.

Okay, I am a little thirsty.

(Wow. huckles)

Two cups!

You guys must have a really high tolerance.

Um, what?

A Triceratops tolerance?

The hallucinogen Triceratops?

AKA 3Tops?

Meketyltrichlorocaine?

Mixy, Toxy, Cloxy?

Wait.

Did we just drink drugs?

Yeah.

Oh, no.

Whoa.

Whoa.

A dream ballet.

A dream ballet.

(ballet music playing)

♪ ♪

Valencia: Ooh, I'm a ballerina.

What a beautiful drug trip.

(whispering): Triceratops.

♪ ♪

Rebecca: Whee!

I'm a pretty ballet dancer.

What a great drug trip.

Roar! I'm a triceratops!

♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪
♪ ♪

(laughing)

Ah.

(laughing)

(laughter fading)

(gasps)

Oh, my God, I am so sad.

I'm so sad about Josh.

I want to kill him.

(indistinct laughter, chatter)

Oh, my God, I forgot how fun it is to sit here and watch strangers trip balls.

Yeah, it's so fun.

You seriously mad about Carl?

You a little bit jealous, bud?

I wasn't even that into him.

It's just that he was more... distinguished than I expected.

You mean old?

I think he's younger than you, dude.

No, he's not.

I think so.

No, he's not!

I think he might be.

No, he's got those little wrinkle frowns.

I didn't have that. See?

Come on, I like guys who are smart and confident.

Like you.

Mm-hmm.

Okay?

For what it's worth, he's a really cool guy.

I think you guys would hit it off.

Yeah, well, people don't usually like to bond with the boyfriend's ex... it's weird.

(sighs)

That was a horrible trip.

Mine was horrible.

And... beautiful and... and sad.

I feel like I want to punch something.

Like, I-I feel, like, 'roided out.

Like my mom made me drink all these energy drinks right before I took the ACT.

Like, I could just rip down the whole tent right now.

Yeah, I'm just realizing how much Josh has taken advantage of me time after time after time.

And I, I just lay down and let him.

(sobbing)

Oh, you're crying.

Josh hurt me so much.

I broke up with him.

But the truth is... he left me, emotionally, long before.

I killed the relationship because I had to.

It was already dead.

And now...

I am so scared to be alone.

Oh... (sobbing)

Hey, it's okay.

I ripped his heart out.

I never, never want to see him again.

Josh: Uh, hey, bro, I'm here from Aloha to fix the AV system.

Sherpa Allen: Oh, everyone's gonna be so freakin' happy you're here.

We need music.

(both chuckling) Yeah.

Josh: I'm Josh.

Sherpa Allen: Hey. Sherpa Allen.

Josh: Cool, Sherpa Allen.

Mr. Sherpa or Mr. Allen?

Uh, Sherpa.

You can call me Sherp.

Oh, nice to get some fresh air.

White Josh: Oh, yeah. Hey, Ben.

What's up, Jerry? How's it going, man?

Oh, hi, Jerry.

You know him?

No, but you seem to. (derisive chuckle)

You know both Ben and Jerry.

You love all the classic flavors, don't you?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

White Josh: What's up, Len?

Hey, Paul. Hey, Frank.

Oh, my God.

What?

Tell me I didn't just say hi to five of your exes.

No. Gross.

Four. I would never date Paul.

Oh, my God!

What's your problem, dude?

You have an older-man fetish.

(laughing)

All your boyfriends could have been in Cocoon!

You know, you don't like a man until his Sandra Bullocks start dropping.

I don't have a fetish. I maybe have a little bit of a type.

But so what?

I thought you liked me for me.

I...

But you don't!

Good day, sir.

Hi there.

Oh!

Oh, come on, it's just a friendly stranger.

Darryl.

Rebecca: I mean, I just can't believe that Josh is here right now.

That is Josh, right? It's not a hallucination?

Oh, no, that's him.

I can smell his sandalwood body spray that I gave him.

Oh.

So what are we gonna do?

Nothing. Hide till he leaves.

No. No.

We're not doing that.

This is the problem. This is the problem right here.

We always let this jerk off the hook.

Not now, not anymore.

Oh, we are gonna eat his heart.

I don't know.

Oh, my God! Lean in, V.

You woke up from that dream sobbing.

I mean, you said yourself you're scared.

He scares you. I mean, look at right now.

You're trembling like a dog on July 4.

What? Dogs don't like fireworks. I read about it.

V.

What?

V, don't give him that power.

(music playing, all cheering)

Thanks, folks.

Thanks, just... Just doing my job.

Uh, and remember, all week, 15% off all Blu-rays at Aloha!

(all cheering)

Ugh! Always the hero.

He makes me so mad.

Good. Let's use it.

Whoo! Yeah! This is awesome.

(laughing)

Come on. Oh, come on.

I have an idea.

♪ ♪

What are we even doing here?

Take off your pants.

Um, hello. I ain't that kind of party.

Yeah. Look, it's time we stopped being victimized by this man, okay?

It's time we stand up to his cis-gender patriarchal hegemonic hold on our imaginations and our hearts.

What?

Okay, you just need to read Roxane Gay.

Start with her Twitter. It's very provocative.

Anyway, let's pee on his stuff.

What? Why?

Because he marked us as his territory, and now we're gonna mark him right back.

Yeah. Are you in?

(groans)

(keys clank on floor)

Wow, you really were keeping your keys in your underwear.

Yes, in my underwear. That's where they were.

Yes. Yes.

Not... yeah.

(whispering): Okay, so, you're sure he's not coming back anytime soon?

Oh, positive. He's playing acoustic originals at an open mic.

Oh, wow, I hate that guy.

Yeah.

Oh, God, of course.

Here.

Thank you.

All right, there is the app.

And...

(blunt chime)

I can't send the data to us.

I mean, I don't know how to access the code, so I can't disable the firewall... damn it!

Step aside. Step aside.

(gasps)

Whoa, look at you!

Yeah. I was a computer programming major until sophomore year of college, when I saw Pippin at the student union and changed my degree to theater.

Dumb move.

Downloading.

And voilà!

Oh, you're the best!

Remind me to get you a friendship bracelet.

Aw.

Oh, yeah, right.

(Rebecca cries out)

Oh... Ah! That felt great.

Wow.

That's the best I've felt in, like, never.

So you have the forceful stream of a leader.

The best thing about this is...

I know, we saw each other's v*g1n*’s.

What? No, it's that-that Josh will never know...

Know it was us.

Josh will never know it was us.

... it was us, right.

Yeah, right, right.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Rebecca? Valencia?

W-What are you doing here?

What's going on?

Why are your keys on the floor?

What's that smell? Did you pee on the equipment?

Yeah, we did.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, we did it to mark our independence from you.

Whoa, that's confusing and... gross.

You know what's confusing and gross, Josh?

The way you've treated her.

I mean, she gave you the best years of her life, and look how you repaid her, by-by hooking up with another woman.

Which was you.

Exactly! You know what?

Let's talk about Rebecca.

Okay? She got you that Aloha job, and then you repaid her by sleeping with her, sleeping on her couch for free, and then breaking her heart.

Oh, my God, you did listen to me in the car.

Yeah.

Okay, Rebecca, Valencia, I-I know things didn't work out, but it was complicated with you... guys.

With-with both of you.

(baby voice): Oh, was it? Was it complicated?

Oh, no, oh, was it...

(fake crying): Oh, was it complicated?

Valencia (baby voice): Was it compli-mi-wonicated?

(laughs) Yeah. Are you gonna cry now?

You gonna squirt out a few tears?

Pew! Pew! Pew!

(both laugh)

You guys are so mean.

Rebecca: Oh, whatever, we're mean.

You know what? This woman's a goddess and a leader and you should have worshipped her.

Yeah, and Rebecca's a super smart dynamo with a feminist bikini area that you should've treated with respect.

Thank you.

You know what? I never realized the strength that you have, because you're small but fierce.

Stop, no, you know what? Don't stop.

Mm-mm, mm-mm.

Don't... Keep, keep, keep it.

You know, the thing is, is I've always been afraid to be fierce like that.

This is the reason there's a pay gap.

So what happens is, women go into a job...

Not even... a raise doesn't even occur to them...

♪ ♪

Look at this outfit I bartered for.

I mean, I owe someone eight private yoga sessions and a topless massage, but I feel a lot better.

So empowered.

And, not that this matters, but you look really skinny.

Yeah? I mean, you've lost most of the weight.

If you were a hunter/gatherer, you would be dead in days.

Really? You think I lost some of the weight?

I didn't even notice.

Know why?

'Cause we connected, and we refreshed, and we healed.

(chuckles)

We bonded.

Mm.

You can kidnap me any time you want.

Okay.

I was kidding.

I was, too.

Okay, well, they're doing yoga up on the meadow, and I'm gonna go see whose postures need adjustment.

I saw some tragic Warrior 2's.

She's back.

(squeals)

Rebecca: Oh, hey!

Hi, there you are.

Rebecca, what are you doing here?

I heard about this place from you.

Isn't this just the best?

I feel like my life has changed, you know, I've just...

Really feel like I'm a whole new pers...

Hey, you look sad. Are you okay?

I don't belong here. This is for young people and all of Josh's really old boyfriends.

What? Hey, hey, D, talk to me.

Oh, yeah.

It turns out Josh is really into old guys.

Yeah, it's practically a fetish.

Okay, well, let's not knock someone for a fetish.

I mean, you know, some people like being... choked by red licorice.

Not saying who, but I think you know it's me.

Yeah, but I don't have a fetish.

I don't have a type.

I-I don't even prefer a gender.

I mean, I just feel so dumb.

I thought I was special.

Darryl, of course you're special.

I mean, he's in the office every day just to see you.

Yeah... I mean, sometimes all it takes for two people to connect is for one person to reach out and try really hard.

Like, like, harder than they should.

Like, to the point of kidnapping.

Or something.

Anyway, just go talk to him, okay?

All right.

I did good.

Hey, I want to talk.

(strained): 'Kay, let's talk.

Could you stop angry crunching for a second?

I set an intention.

Please?

Come on.

Okay, look, when I saw all those...

Pat Sajaks that you'd been with, I just... felt so ordinary and old.

But, you know, these are my own insecurities.

I don't expect you to understand.

Why not?

You think you're the only one with insecurities?

Come on, when I see your abs, I definitely do.

No, I have tons of insecurities.

Like, for instance, lately, I've been starting to think that...

I don't know, I'm just some boy toy to you.

Like you're having a midlife crisis and I'm just your fetish.

Oh, come on, that's not true.

I feel like you don't take me seriously.

I... come on, why haven't I met Madison yet?

I am so sorry, I just didn't want to freak you out.

I mean, a kid's a big deal.

I didn't want you to feel pressured into something serious.

I want something serious, D.

I want that with you.

Not someone who is your type.

You.

Oh, I love you, Josh.

I love you, too.

(sighs)

I'm really glad I came out here, Sherpa Allen.

You did a great job.

Thanks, but that's not why I'm glad.

Like, I really needed a reminder of why I'm so happy being single.

Women are tough.

I mean, love 'em, but they are complicated and, uh, just hard to understand.

Oh, I understand.

I've been celibate since 1987.

Yup.

I orgasm internally as a part of my practice.

Well, I don't know how to do that, but I am gonna take a break from the ladies.

A good long break.

Thanks again, son.

Also, your equipment smells delicious.

Be well.

Mm. Mm-hmm.

(shudders)

(equipment clatters)

Hey.

Hey.

You fixed the sound, right?

Without music this event is just dirt, so thank you.

I work out.

What?

Yeah.

(laughing)

(chuckling)

Oh! Hi.

Madison, I want you to meet my friend Josh.

Josh, this is Madison.

It's so nice to meet you, Madison.

Nice to meet you, too.

I heard that you like snails.

I'm more into Pegasuses now.

Oh, okay, yeah, let's take this back and get you a Pegasus, then.

Oh, n-no, let's get a Pegasus in addition to this one.

Uh, Madison!

(laughing): Okay.

Done.

I like your boyfriend, Daddy.

He ain't cheap.

(laughter)

You guys want a boba?

Yeah.

Okay.

So, you and V are good now?

Yeah, we, like, totally bonded.

Hi!

Hey!

Hey, bitch, I heard you peed on some stuff.

Yeah, I did.

I always knew I kind of liked you.

You're basic but in an enjoyable way.

Thanks, bitch.

Yeah.

Aw, guys, we're all bitches.

Bitch, bitch, bitch, Aw. bitch, bitch. Also, we're liberating that word from its misogynistic confines.

Just like we liberated ourselves from Josh Chan.

No, uh-uh.

This is so easy.

Oh, my God. Five dollars.

Yeah.

Why did I agree to this with both of you?

Thank you.

All right, it's a work in progress.

Anyway, as I was saying, bitch, bitch, bitch.

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch.

Oh, yeah, Roxane Gay wrote an Op-Ed on that word.

I just read it.

Heather: Whoa. Wait, that's so hot.

Is this the place? Do you need, like, a bigger donut...

Yeah, it was a dumb question, okay?

... to let you know that...

You can see that thing from Mars, man.

Well, forgive, Your Honor. Get it?

I know.

Law joke.

Hi.

Hi, hey.

What are you... hi!

I was...

I... wow, so, you're hanging out with, um...

Oh!

Uh, yeah, yeah, but it's-it's cool, they're, um... they're kind of like my bitches now.

Oh, wow.

Okay. (chuckles nervously)

(Sunil clears throat)

I'm so sorry, this is... Sunil...

Hi, I'm Sunil Odhav.

Oh, hi.

Hi.

I'm Paula's bitch, kind of. Sorry.

Um, it's... this is kind of embarrassing, but, you know, you two are wearing the same bracelet.

Yeah, they're friendship bracelets.

My daughters helped me make them.

Oh... oh, oh, okay.

(Sunil chuckles)

Oh, fun! Fun. Yeah.

So adorable.

Yeah.

Okay, I'm gonna go sit... Get a table.

Great.

Okay. Yeah.

Just, you know...

He seems so... is that from... Law school.

Yes, oh, right... We're just here.

We're just gonna, you know, study, and coffee, and... sugar and...

I'm gonna... yeah, I'm just gonna...

Okay, you just... I'm gonna...

Yeah. Okay. Bye. Okay.

♪ ♪

(chuckles softly)

So...

Arkansas. Arkansas.

Hold on, it's alphabetical.

Connecticut. Connecticut.

It's too much, it's too much.

(talking indistinctly)

New Jersey?

♪ ♪

Okay, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 23, 24...

♪ ♪
♪ Thought bubbles in your mind. ♪

Okay, uh... that's twenty... one, 22, 23...

♪ Popping those bubbles from time to time. ♪

Damn it, okay.

Uh... (grunts)

One, two, three, four, five...

♪ You don't have to be alone ♪
♪ With your thoughts. ♪

Call me.

Uh...

(scoffs)

♪ ♪

(whistling)

So, this is the thing.

Yes!

Women are afraid of being bitches, and so when they...

Yes!

When they apply for a job, they just think, "Oh, please give me... Please give me the job, sir".

Mm. But when men apply for a job, they're like, "What are my benefits"?

Preach.

I... you know? They don't apply, the job applies for them.

(vocalizes)

This is why I'm growing out my pubic hair.

'Cause it makes me feel like a fierce animal.

Wait, let me see.

Oh, yeah, I'll show you again.