01x02 - A Pee Stick and an Asian Raccoon

Previously on Mom...

I'm getting a lot of complaints.

[Crying] Really? About what?

Well, apparently, one of my waitresses is having a nervous breakdown.

Is it Jennifer?

You're making this about me?

No, it's okay.

I have come to understand that you were the best daughter you could be.

My job is to forgive you, which I do.

Oh, my God!

Mom, I've watched you lick cocaine crumbs out of a shag carpet.

It's not a sin to be thrifty, dear.

I got pregnant with you when I was a teenager, and please don't take this the wrong way... it ruined my life.

Sleeping with your boss... who does that?

[Chuckles]

Roscoe: Mom?

Christy, you know my, uh, wife?

Yeah. Hi, Claudia. Nice to see you again.

It's "Clowdia."

FYI, the ladies' room needs some attention. I don't... know if that's you, Christy?

It's not, and it's "Christ-y".

Oh, I almost forgot, your daughter thinks she might be pregnant.

Call me if you need me.

[Door closes]

"Remove the test stick from the foil wrapper and take off the over-cap."

"Holding the test by the thumb grip, place the absorbent tip in urine stream."

You got to tinkle on it.

It's not the first time I've done a pregnancy test, mom.

Really?

Then why'd you make me read all those instructions?

Not important.

Let it rip.

Can I have some privacy, please?

Sure.

[Clears throat]

Violet, I just want you to know that if it turns out you are pregnant, I will support you no matter what you decide to do.

Thank you.

What do you think you're gonna do?

What?

You know, which way you leanin'?

I don't know. Get out.

Okay, sorry.

You know, when I found out I was pregnant with you, a home pregnancy test took about 20 minutes.

Uh-huh.

Now it's two minutes.

That's progress.

Yay, science.

I guess.

I mean, it's good news for you because the nervous waiting time is less.

Mom, I can't do this if you're talking to me.

All right, sure.

Pee-shy runs in the family.

Mom!

Sorry.

[Trickling]

Oh, good girl!

Be quiet!

[Knocking]

Hello?

Hi.

What's the word?

She's doing the test now.

We'll know in a couple minutes.

Wow. Gulp.

Yeah.

When I was pregnant with you, those home kits took, like, two hours.

Really?

It was a long wait in a gas station bathroom.

Bonnie, is that you?

Yeah, honey.

Can you come in?

Of course.

Why does your grandmother get to go in and I don't?

Because she won't lecture me.

I... I don't lecture. I... share my experiences in the hope that you'll have a better life than I had, and frankly, I think you could be a little more grateful.

Oh, screw it, I'm coming in.

What's it say? What's it say?

Nothing yet.

Oh, God, oh, God.

I know, it's so exciting.

I'm glad you're excited.

I'm scared to death.

Hey, don't you worry.

I'm gonna be here for you whenever you need me, 24-7.

Thanks, Bonnie.

I'm gonna be here for you, too.

That's your job, mom.

Ooh. Here we go, showtime.

Okay.

Wow.

You doing all right?

I... don't know.

Excuse me.

I can't believe this.

Hey, you have to take some of the responsibility for this pregnancy.

Are you kidding? We had the talk.

I told her about abstinence, condoms, everything.

Did you mention oral s*x as a work-around?

Oh, my God, it is my fault.

When are you gonna stop with the bangs?

What?

I just... I understood it when you had a forehead full of pimples, but now you're just hiding a pretty face.

This is the look now.

The first lady wears her hair like this.

Well, I don't think it works on her, either.

Noted.

[Sighs]

What are we gonna do about Violet?

I love her hair.

No, the pregnancy.

I don't want her to wind up like us.

What's the matter with us?

The fact that you don't know speaks volumes.

She has options.

I know.

[Sighs]

Did I ever tell you how close I came to giving you up for adoption?

What?

Lovely Jewish couple from San Francisco, the Lowensteins.

She played cello for the philharmonic, he was a cardiologist.

You never told me this.

Oh, yeah.

They offered me $25,000 for you.

Why didn't you take it?

They sound fantastic.

Well, they were, but you were my baby girl. I loved you.

If you really loved me, you would've sold me to the Lowensteins.

Maybe if they'd gone to 30.

I've made a decision.

I'm gonna be a mom.

Eek.

Okay.

Well, then, congratulations.

We're having a baby.

I'm so happy for you, Violet.

Thanks.

And the great thing about having a baby so young is after a few years, you can tell people the kid's your sibling.

Right, sis?

That's not as cute as you think it is.

Uh, couple of questions.

What about high school?

What about it?

The baby won't be born till after I graduate, so it shouldn't be a problem.

Eek.

I guess the next thing to do is call Luke.

You think he's the father?

I know he's the father.

How about that? Old-school.

Grandma!

Ah, ah, ah.

Aunt Bonnie. There's my boy.

Why do you have glitter on your shirt?

Dad took me to his girlfriend's apartment.

I learned how to swing on a pole.

He's a natural.

I thought your girlfriend worked at Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Doesn't mean she can't dream.

Okay.

Go wash the sad lady off your hands.

[Sighs]

Thanks for taking him this afternoon.

Hey, I'm his dad. If I can't spend two hours a week with him, who can?

It's not always great knowing who the father is.

Why is my son pregnant?

Well, that's a window into a dark room.

Sorry.

You okay?

I'm fine.

Come on.

Okay. Well, I just found out my teenage daughter is pregnant.

Really? Wow.

She's not a cheerleader with an overbite, is she?

No. Why?

No reason.

Okay.

Nice talking to you, Chef Rudy.

Stay strong, waitress whose name I do not know.

Thank God.

Here we are.

Oh.

[Clears throat] How is the Chardonnay?

It is delicious. Good choice.

Oh, yeah, back in the day, I could get lost in a bottle of this stuff.

One time, I woke up in a Best Western hotel with two of the roadies from Counting Crows.

But I'm sure that won't happen to you.

Hey.

Hey.

I miss you.

Oh, thanks.

You miss me?

Yeah, sure, I guess.

That's not very encouraging.

I'm sorry. I got a lot on my mind.

Well, I'm a good listener.

A penny for your thoughts?

Okay, fine. How's this?

I'm working my ass off so I can take care of my children, I just found out I'm gonna be a freaking grandma, and the man that I'm sleeping with only has time for me when his wife is out of town, and I desperately want to run away from it all with a bottle of this but I can't because my name is Christy and I'm an alcoholic.

Ola, Christy.

Man [over stereo]: In this moment, my life is perfect.

In this moment, my life is perfect.

I breathe in love.

I breathe out fear.

I breathe in love.


I breathe out fear.

[Knocking]

[Screams, horn honks]

Ah, I...

Didn't see you there, Luke.

I could tell. How's it going?

Pretty good. Um, Violet texted me that we needed to talk, so I came right over after work, and I brought sliders.

Yum.

They give us the ones that smell iffy.

Double yum.

Yeah, it's a pretty sweet perk.

So how was your day?

Not great.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Mine's been awesome.

I got promoted to shift manager and found five dollars in the men's room.

It wasn't even that wet.

You're on fire.

Right?

Come on in.

Let's see what the rest of your life looks like.

Hey, Vi.

Hi, Luke.

Um, I'd kiss you, but I don't want your mom to get the wrong idea about me.

[Quietly] Has that ship sailed.

So, what's going on?

Well, I got some kind of big news.

Cool. What?

Okay, um... Violet, wait.

Luke, can you give us a minute?

Sure. I'll nuke these bad boys so we don't get the squirts.

Isn't he amazing?

Yeah.

I just think it's important that you understand he might not have the maturity to deal with this situation.

I'm just gonna hit the popcorn button and see what happens.

Luke loves me. I love him.

We're gonna make this work.

Honey, I just don't want you to get hurt.

Young guys spook real easy, and you can't count on them sticking around.

Whoa.

I think I know what you wanted to tell me.

You do?

Yeah.

You're having a baby.

So close.

Violet?

Luke, I'm having a baby.

Wait.

So you're both pregnant?

No, just me.

Oh.

Well, that's... so cool!

There's still time for you.

Not much, but keep at it.

Thank you.

So you're not gonna get scared and run off?

Why would I run off?

I love you, and I'm gonna love your baby.

Um, it's our baby.

What?

Even better!

That's why I get so frustrated with the people at work.

[Quietly] I slept with that guy.

Really?

He cries when he finishes.

What do you mean?

Like a happy cry?

No.

More like a...

[Sobs in low voice]

And that tiny dude over there in the red shirt?

Did you sleep with him, too?

Well, I wasn't going to at first because of our height disparity, and then I decided to do it anyway as, like, a good deed.

That's how you get into heaven.

Letting a little guy go up on you.

I wish. All he wanted to do was spank me.

Well, no good deed goes unpunished.

I had to sit on my hip for a week.

So how many men at this meeting have you slept with?

Oh, please, this is a sacred space dedicated to recovery and healing.

Six.

Woman: Anyone else like to share?

Oh, me.

Haven't you shared enough?

Hi. I'm Bonnie, and I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Bonnie.

I just want to start by saying how grateful I am to this program.

Not only am I happily sober, but so is my daughter.

And let me tell you, she was a hot mess.

Come on. Stand up, honey.

Let everybody see how pretty you are now.

Imagine her without the bangs.

P.S. She's single, fellas.

Not for you, Spanky.

Anyhow, it's just a real gift to have her back in my life.

And, uh, I know I wasn't the world's greatest mom when she was growing up, what with all my drinking and drugging and dealing and managing an international escort service with ties to the Russian mob, but... you know, it's hard to have a career and be a mom.

Am I right, ladies?

I remember this one time, she was five years old.

Maybe she was 11.

The point is she was little.

And I pulled her out of school, moved us up to Manitoba where I opened up a daycare center that was a front for an ecstasy distribution hub.

It worked out really well until one mountie had to be a freaking hero.

You are so lucky to have her for a mother.

You don't have to tell me.

She's a...

I mean it!

You don't have to tell me.

Don't get me wrong. I love Canada.

Hey, remember Canadian beer?

Wasn't that great?

Hello?

Violet?

Did you finish your homework?

Yep.

Did you brush your teeth?

I think so.

Mmm, what do you mean, you "think so"?

My brain is full.

I'm worried about the Middle East.

Violet: All right, you'll brush twice as long in the morning.

Get in there.

Middle East.

Want to know a secret?

Sure.

You're gonna be an Uncle.

Cool.

Do you know what that means?

Yeah.

I'm your boyfriend and I get to sleep over.

No, that's a different kind of Uncle.

It means that I'm gonna have a baby.

Really?

A human baby?

I hope so.

But I'm gonna need your help.

With what?

Taking care of the baby.

Oh, sure.

I'll take good care of it like you take good care of me.

You're gonna be a great Uncle.

Roscoe: I have a secret, too.

Violet: What's that?

I haven't brushed my teeth in three days.

You little stinker!

Mom?

[Sobbing softly]

What's wrong?

You're a better mother than I am.

I know.

You're gonna love my gynecologist.

He's got very small hands.

Like an Asian raccoon.

Mom, please!

I'm gonna be an Uncle.

Unless it's a girl. Then I'll be an aunt.

I respect your open-mindedness.

Gotta give this kid Luke points for showing up.

He claims he loves her.

Well, we'll see.

I had three significant relationships end while I was pregnant with you, so...

Christy?

Carla?

Hi.

I haven't seen you since high school.

Yeah, hi!

Wow! Look at you.

Yeah, finally getting around to starting a family.

And you?

I, uh...

I'm fighting a nasty yeast infection.

And with the support of her entire family, she will win this battle.

Am I right?

Oh, come on.

And there is your baby.

Wow.

Luke, look what we made.

Unreal.

I can't wait for it to grow feet so I can make moccasins for it.

Mom, come here.

I'm gonna need your help.

I'll be here.

Mom?

I'm gonna need your help.

I'm not going anywhere.

"Clitoris."

[Humming]

Well, someone's in a good mood.

You know, I am.

I am just... loving my life right now.

Mmm.

Cocaine?

Family.

Family.

That stuff will kill you.

On the next episode of Mom...