01x09 - Zombies and Cobb Salad

Hi, I'm Bonnie, I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Bonnie.

I know I usually use this forum to talk about my romantic travails.

AKA "fellatio."

But that's not what I'm struggling with right now.

Five bucks says she's got the clap.

[clears throat]

The thing is, I... lost my job, and I'm really scared.

I was just barely making ends meet, before.

But now, I just, I don't know.

And guess who didn't save anything for a rainy day?!

Well, it's not my fault, really. I mean, who knew I was gonna live this long?

Not me. Or the paramedic who jump-started my heart at Burning Man.

All I know is I been coming around here for two years, taking suggestions, trying to be a "better person," and... feels like my life is worse than ever.

Thanks for letting me share.

She still could have the clap.

1x09 - Zombies and Cobb Salad

I am craving a Cobb salad. What are you getting?

I was just gonna get some tea. Do you want to talk about this?

What's to talk? It's Cobb salad.

Bonnie, your daughter is concerned about you.

Oh? Why?

You lost your job.

And didn't perform any other kind of jobs.

Don't like you.

Don't like you, back.

Well, you can all stop worrying. I'm doing fine.

Hmm. You know what fine stands for, don't you?

F-I-N-E: Frustrated, Insecure, Neurotic and Emotional.

Wow, does everyone want to strangle you, or just me?

Bonnie, you have to get HONEST.

Humble, Open, Non-judgmental...

Shut it.

[quietly]: ...Egoless, Spiritual and Trusting.

Christy: Mom, we're just trying to help.

But you can't help me. Do you know how hard it is in this economy for a woman over 40 to get a job?

Oh, who the hell are you kidding?

You're closer to death than 40.

Tread lightly, Oprah.

You know, sometimes, when I'm having a hard time, what gets me through is finding someone who's worse off than me and helping them.

Call the Pope, we have a saint.

Look, I am touched that you're all concerned about me, but I don't think anyone here is in a position to offer advice.

Certainly not from the woman who has four cats in her will.

Hey, you know what "CAT" stands for, right?

Crazy, Annoying, Twit.

And you're out on bail.

You've been sober for, what, half an hour?

Please, shine a light on my darkness. Take me to the river.

I don't have to sit here and be abused. Regina?

One of these days, you and me are gonna throw down.

Hard.

Ooh.

[exhales]

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say you didn't lose your job because of the economy.

I can't find my jeans.

I'm wearing them. None of mine fit me because of your baby.

How come it's my baby when it makes you fart and not fit in your pants?

Hey.

Hey.

Welcome home.

Why aren't you wearing pants?

Oh, because I'm a good father.

Go put something on.

Well, but, she's got my...

Go!

I'm seeing shapes. I can't see shapes.

You're in a mood.

Sorry.

I'm upset about your grandma.

You guys get in an argument?

I don't know.

She lost her job, but... [sighs] something else is going on.

I'm really worried.

Now you know how I felt for the last ten years.

What are you talking about?

You want me to walk you through what it was like around here when you were drinking?

That's okay. Save it for therapy.

Which Mommy will pay for.

Don't say a word.

Luke's parents can pay for his therapy.

[tapping on glass]

Mom?

Hidey-ho.

[grunts]

What are you doing out there?

Skipping out on a taxi. Get out of my way.

Well, well, let me, let me help you.

I got it.

Careful.

I got it, I got it.

Careful, oh... [loud thud]

What happened?

Come on, get up. Get up.

[exhales]

Have you been drinking?

No! No.

Maybe a little.

Mom, why? You've just thrown two years out the window!

And then I climbed back in the window.

You're a tough audience.

Is this because you lost your job?

And my apartment. And my car.

Well, nobody actually took that, I just can't find it.

Wait, you lost your apartment?

The bastards require rent every month, it's ridiculous.

Oh, God.

Can I live with you awhile? You know, just till I get it together?

Yeah, I guess.

Thanks.

You won't even know I'm here.

Mom?

Shh. I'm peeing.

Oh, no, no. No-no-no.

No-no-no-no-no.

No, no, no, no, no. Hold on.

Where we going? Where we going?

Bathroom.

You finish your book report?

Yup.

Did you read the book?

Whose side are you on?

[vomiting]

Christy: Ah! I forgot to tell you:

Grandma's here.

She doesn't sound so good.

[sighs]

[toilet flushes]

Wait till you see her.

Morning, all.

Holy crap!

Be nice to me or I'll kiss you.

Why do you look like a zombie?

Because I'm dead inside.

Okeydokey, let's get you ready for school.

Look at you, getting all fat.

All right, I gotta get to work. You gonna be okay?

Yeah.

When was the last time you ate something?

I'm not sure. I threw up some pasta.

I know. You can't just keep drinking coffee.

You've got to put something in your stomach.

Maybe later.

Will you bring me back some soup from the restaurant?

Sure.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, whatever.

Oh, come on. What do you want me to say?

I don't want you to say anything.

I have been listening to your apologies all my life.

"I'm sorry I snuck you out of the country in a pet carrier."

"I'm sorry we lived in a commune in Argentina."

"I'm sorry I accidentally left you in Argentina."

But this apology is different.

I really mean it this time.

Is that so?

I never want to feel like this again.

I will do anything to get sober.

Anything?

Whatever it takes, I am so ready.

[knocking] That's good.

'Cause I invited a couple friends over to help out.

Come on in.

No, no!

Not them. Anything but them.

You peed in the bed, now lie in it.

It's time to HEAL, Bonnie.

Health, Energy, Abstinence and Love.

Screw that. You're mine, bitch.

You want to start?

No.

Okay, I'll go first.


Hi, I'm Marjorie, I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Marjorie.

Oh, bite me.

It's been 32 years since my last drink.

And 14 years since your last orgasm.

[laughs]

Hey!

Sorry, it was funny.

I got rolling with drugs and alcohol during the '60s.

I was living in San Francisco.

You know, the whole hippie thing.

Free love, end the war... heroin.

Heroin?

Just nights and weekends.

Long story short, 1981... I look around... all the hippies have gone back to school or got jobs, bought condos.

And I'm a homeless bag lady living in Golden Gate Park.

Okay. You got my attention.

I didn't want to live anymore.

And, despite my best efforts, I didn't know how to die.

So I went to a meeting 'cause they had free cookies, and somebody told a story that made me look like Princess Grace.

So I stuck around, got a job, got teeth, got a husband. In that order.

32 years later, I am still very grateful to be sober.

Regina?

Oh, okay. Come on, heroin?

You got to be really high to rob banks.

Wow. You think you know someone.

[sighs] Regina. Alcoholic.

Hi, Regina.

Hi, Regina.

[chuckles]

Well, let's see, uh... I'm going through a divorce.

My kid's not talking to me.

I'm working at a supermarket bagging groceries.

I've been indicted for embezzling $3.5 million, I'm probably going to jail. And I'm terrified.

But the good news is, due to recent events, I'm doing better than you.

Bonnie.

Thank you, Regina.

[sighs]

Hi. I'm Bonnie.

I'm an alcoholic.

Hi, Bonnie.

Hi, Bonnie.

I've been sober for... Oh, man, where's my watch?

Well... not long.

Anyway, I started drinking when I was 15, 16 years old.

In the foster care system, getting bounced around from house to house.

Teenage kids aren't real desirable.

Especially when they steal your kitchen appliances.

I met this... really cool guy.

Sold him a microwave at a flea market.

[clears throat]

We fell in love and ran off together, had Christy, then he ran off alone.

And... I...

And, uh...

[groans]

[voice breaking]: I tried to be a good single mom, but as we all know, I didn't exactly nail it.

But I tried.

And I'm still trying. But then, this morning, when I saw the look of disappointment on Christy's face, it just... reminded me of all the times that I let her down.

[crying]

Damn.

I got to fix this. Yeah. I got to fix this right now.

Wait. Where are you going?

I got to apologize to my baby girl.

Oh...

Oh, damn. She took my keys!

[engine revving, tires squeak]

Are we done? Can I go home?

Oh! My halibut's not ready yet?

Chef Rudy, what is going on?

People are waiting 45 minutes for their entrees.

It's cool.

Oh, God, is everyone in my life getting loaded?

What the hell is going on in here?

Ask Snoop Dogg and Dre!

You're smoking dope?

Yeah. You want a hit?

Sure.

Your halibut will be up in a minute.

I brought you another glass of wine, just for the "halibut"" [laughs]

There's my baby.

Oh, my... oh, my God. What are you doing here?

I have been a terrible mother to you.

Yeah, the worst. Why don't we talk about it at home?

Well, you-you need to know that I will never let you down again.

I got it. Message received.

I have to get back to work.

No. You have worked enough.

Let me lighten your load.

Okay, it's not a load, Mom. It's...

Hi. I'm Bonnie. I'll be your server. Hi.

Why, you folks don't have any bread. Why don't I go get you some?

Mom? Mom?!

Ooh! Ooh! Son of a bitch!

This is good weed.

I couldn't find any bread, so I brought you another candle.

Come on, Bonnie. Time to go home.

I can't. I'm working.

Mom, please.

Let's dance.

[slow-motion grunt]

[thudding]

You're gonna do fine in jail.

And as long as I'm coming clean, I might as well tell you I've been getting loaded for a couple of months.

And you flushed my drugs down the toilet?!

Don't be silly. I enjoyed them greatly.

Anyhow, it's time I got honest.

Yeah, yeah, humble, open, beep-bop-boop.

And I... I want to thank Christy for being the greatest daughter in the world, even though I wasn't exactly mother of the year.

[scoffs]

Sorry.

But most important, I am ready to do this program for real now, and not just for myself. But because...

I never want to let you down again.

I also have to thank Marjorie and Michael Strahan here.

I know we've had our differences, but... I do love you guys.

[whispering]: Who's Michael Strahan?

I'll tell ya later.

That's it. Thanks.

Thanks, Bonnie. Hi. I'm Christy. I'm an alcoholic.

All: Hi, Christy.

I am so pissed off at you!

I mean, how many times do I have to clean up your freakin' mess?!

You want to be my mother? Then stop apologizing and step up!

'Cause Marjorie's applied for the job, and that old, toothless junkie's looking damn good right now!

Thanks, sweetie.

So, anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest.

Love you, Mom.

You are so lucky to have her as a daughter.

Oh, what would you know?

[gasps] Oh, no!

No, no, no, no.

Oh!

I just want you to know that I heard you loud and clear in the meeting and until I get back on my feet, my job is going to be making your life as easy as possible.

Oh, I don't like the sound of that.

No, don't feel guilty. I want to do this.

I'll take care of Roscoe, I'll clean the house, I'll run errands.

You know, as soon as I find my car.

That would be a big help.

And then, when Violet has the baby, I can do a lot for her.

You know, change diapers, night nurse. Hey, wet nurse, if I get lucky.

The baby's not due for 5 months. How long you planning on staying?

Oh, don't worry, I'll know when I've worn out my welcome.

I'll know sooner.

So, what's the plan?

You going to start looking for a job tomorrow?

Don't need to.

Really?

You already found something?

Yep, I'm going to be a life coach.

I'm sorry, what?

My hard-won experience can help people overcome the obstacles in their lives, and then together, we create a game plan for success and blobity, blah, blah, ca-ching.

Hmm, and you don't see any credibility issues with you being broke, homeless and one day sober?

Eh, I'm not going to put that in the brochure.

Come on, try me out. Your life... what's wrong?

All right.

My mother is sleeping in my living room.

Easy. Remember that for nine months, you were sleeping in her living womb.

See what I did there? Next.

[sighs] My teenaged daughter is pregnant...

Ah.

...and she might run off to live with her knucklehead boyfriend.

Well, first off, you need to keep in mind that every baby that comes into the world is a blessing from God.

And secondly, if she does run off, a bed just freed up for you mom.

[sighs]

Okay, here's a biggie.

Okay.

How do I forgive a woman how has disappointed me again and again?

Well, if you had a lick of sense, you'd stop counting on her.

[roars]

[grunts]