01x19 - Toilet Wine and the Earl of Sandwich

Previously on Mom...

Alvin Lester Biletnikoff.

Who's that?

Your father.

Do you remember Bonnie Plunkett?

Bonnie.

I'm her daughter.

Oh, my god.

I'm your daughter.

Yeah, yeah, I got that.

I can't believe they found you guilty.

I can. I stole $3 million.

Maybe they'll send you to one of those swanky country club jails.

Get real. I'm a black woman who embezzled money from white people.

I'm going to "jail" jail.

Someone's gonna buy my ass for a Kit Kat bar.

Well, it's only fair. Kit Kat bars helped build that thing.

I'd like to propose a toast. To Regina.

Great friend, sober sister and convicted felon.

Tomorrow you'll be starting your prison sentence, but you'll always be on parole in my heart.

My turn.

Regina, you embezzled $3 million from people who trusted you.

You shouldn't go to jail. You should go to Wall Street.

To Regina.

Regina.

Yeah.

To Regina.

Hey, look who's here, taking advantage of her employee discount.

Well, it's hard to pass up 50% off.

It's ten percent.

Really? Everybody stop eating!

I'm kidding.

Uh, so, what's the occasion? Somebody's birthday?

Um... no.

Oh. Uh, is it one of your sober anniversaries?

I just ask 'cause you're the only people in the restaurant drinking Shirley Temples with shots of Red Bull.

No, it's just a little bon voyage for our friend Regina.

Oh, wonderful. Where are you going?

Chowchilla.

Ooh. Sounds fancy.

[laughs]

What's that, a resort in the Caribbean?

It's a women's prison near Modesto.

Ah.

To answer your next question, I killed a nosey maître d'.

Well, uh... [laughs] you go, girl.

Uh, bon appétit.

Please tell me that's not the married boss you were sleeping with.

It is.

Oh. I pictured him hotter.

Why were you picturing him at all?

I'm a lonely old woman with a little cancer and a lot of cats.

What else am I doing?

All righty. Regina, I got you a little going-away present.

Oh.

Oh, honey, you didn't have to do that.

Ah, just open it.

What the hell is that?

A metal file for your escape, or if, you know, you need to shank somebody.

Thank you, baby.

And the cupcake's gluten-free, 'cause I know that wheat makes you gassy.

Mmm.

I got you something, too.

Ooh. What's this?

[chuckles]

Seriously? Lube?

In case your cellmate isn't big on foreplay.

Okay, and this is from me.

Oh. Mm-hmm.

Oh, what a beautiful journal.

Mm.

I thought you could use it to chronicle your spiritual growth, or write poems, or maybe even pen a novel about your journey.

I'm going to prison, and you're giving me homework?

Lube's looking better and better, isn't it?

Well, how are we doing tonight, ladies?

Everything's delicious.

Of course it is.

Hello, Bonnie.

Rudy.

You're looking well.

Of course I am.

Are you seeing anyone?

Anyone but you.

All right, then.

Excuse me while I go molest your dessert.

That's the chef you were fooling around with?

It is, indeed.

Oh. I pictured him taller.

Stop picturing!

1x19 - Toilet Wine and the Earl of Sandwich

I should be back in time for dinner.

Till then, Violet's in charge.

Where you going?

Um, me and grandma are taking a friend of ours to... visit her sister.

Is her sister in prison, too?

What?

I heard you on the phone last night.

Then why'd you ask?

To see if you'd lie to me.

Oh, well, you have your answer.

Ready to go?

Almost.

Hey, grandma, where you going?

Taking somebody to prison.

See? It's not so hard.

Violet, we're leaving.

Violet: Good!

Oh, hi.

Hi.

This is a surprise.

What's going on?

Nothing. Just had some business in Napa, and thought I'd stop by and say "hi."

How's it going, Bonnie?

I hate you, and I wish you were dead.

You old softy.

Mommy, Daddy, stop.

I'm sorry, but we were just headed out for the day.

No, I'm sorry. I should have called.

You're welcome to stay until we get back.

Get to know your grandkids.

Really?

Yeah, otherwise, how will their little hearts be broken when you desert them on Christmas eve?

Mom.

Based on a true story.

Maybe I will stay, grab a little quality time.

Great. Roscoe, grandpa. Grandpa, Roscoe.

See ya.

Where you headed?

Believe it or not, I'm taking somebody to prison.

Oh, wow. Gonna miss you, Bonnie.

It makes me crazy that you're so nice to him.

I know. Added bonus.

You do know that he wasn't in the neighborhood on business.

I know.

And it doesn't bother you that your father's a liar?

My mother managed a whorehouse in Calgary.

It takes a lot to bother me.

I understand how you feel about him, but I want to have my own experience with my father.

And I don't want to take that away from you.

Thank you.

[sighs]

What he did to me was unforgiveable, but that's certainly not your problem.

Do you see what she does?

Don't drag me into this.

But I see it.

Can we just agree to put our issues aside and make this day about Regina?

Yeah, let's keep things light and happy.

Like a trip to prison should be.

There she is.

Dead man walkin'!

What?! I'm keeping it light!

How's the sandwich?

Good.

Did you know that sandwiches were named after a guy called the Earl of Sandwich?

Really? Do you know him?

No, he died a long time ago.

That's depressing.

Yeah, but he lives on in your mouth.

So you're my Mom's dad.

I am.

And my grandpa.

Yep.

How come I'm just meeting you now?

Well, uh... no easy way to say it.

I messed up real bad and wasn't around when your mom was growing up.

And I'm really sorry that I wasn't around to watch you grow up.

Hmm.

You didn't miss much.

"Chowchilla, 120 miles."

You don't have to keep calling out the miles!

Wow, bite my head off.

Sorry.

You guys ever think about reasons to start drinking again?

You mean like a zombie apocalypse?

You're kidding.

Nope.

Got a whole list of things to drink over: zombie apocalypse, my kids are stolen by gypsies, I have a stroke and forget how to m*st*rb*t*.

What if something horrible happened to me?

I'd get through it.

You're not planning on drinking while you're in prison, are you?

No, I'm gonna wait until something bad happens to me.

Just remember, they hold lots of meetings in there.

You just have to make it your business to go.

Yeah, and meetings might be a good place to make friends with the Aryan nation chicks. Talk about a meet-cute.

How would you drink in jail, anyway?

Oh, that's easy. Toilet wine.

What's toilet wine?

Oranges, raisins, ketchup, sugar, and a sock filled with moldy bread, all marinating in a toilet for a week.

Ugh!

Well, it gets the job done and you can trade your surplus for cigarettes.


I wish I knew you back in the day.

I don't think so.

You would've been my bitch. And I work my bitches hard.

Hey, look!

Hootie and the blowfish are at the Chumash casino!

How's the sandwich?

Good.

You know that, uh, sandwiches are named after the Earl of Sandwich?

That's terrific.

So, what's your deal?

My deal?

You don't really think you're gonna show up out of nowhere and suddenly play grandpa.

No, of course not.

But I am hoping, in time, to get to know you and maybe be somebody you can count on.

And how exactly would that work?

Well, after the baby's born, I can change a diaper, babysit, whatever you need.

I won't need any of that.

Yeah, you say that now, but it does take a village.

My mom didn't tell you? I'm giving the baby up for adoption.

Really?

Really.

Wow. Sure you want to do that?

What's that supposed to mean?

I just mean, have you thought it through?

No, I'm just gonna abandon it like you did my mother.

I know you're being sarcastic, but that's exactly why I'm asking.

Not being there for your mother is my biggest regret.

Yeah? Well, I won't have any regrets, because I'm making sure that my baby has a great life.

I... I'm not saying that...

No, you don't get to say anything.

All right, listen, I'm sorry...

Save it.

I'm just coming back for my sandwich.

Even meaner than her grandmother.

You know what the worst thing about going to prison is?

You're in prison?

No.

I'm gonna miss seeing my little boy grow up.

Oh.

I'll stop talking now.

Don't say it unless you mean it.

When was the last time you saw him?

Just before the trial.

That was months ago.

Yeah.

His father won't let me near him.

I can't blame him.

Wait, so you didn't get to say good-bye?

No.

Oh, that's awful.

He just had his tenth birthday.

He'll be a teenager by the time I get out.

Where do they live?

Back in Stockton.

Well, screw that.

What are you doing?

We're going to Stockton!

But I'll be late for turning myself in.

What are they gonna do? Throw you in jail?

[whispering]

Uh, may I help you?

Yes, hi.

Sorry to bother you, but we used to live here.

Really? This house is brand-new.

Yes, this one is...

And it's beautiful.

...but before it was built, there was another house here that was torn down.

'Cause of the murder.

A murder?

Th-that wasn't disclosed to me when I bought this place.

That's why they built new.

Well, that and... the ghost problem.

Are you related?

She's my Mom.

And she's my mom.

Anyway, uh, we were just hoping we could come inside and take a look around.

For old times' sake.

Yeah, I suppose.

A murder, huh?

Murders.

I always pictured him shirtless, fresh from mowing the lawn.

[mouthing]

[door closes]

All right, look, I know that it's weird to wake up one day and find out you have a grandfather you never knew existed.

That happened to you, too?

I just want you both to know I don't expect you to love me or anything like that.

I-I just want a chance to be here for you and do whatever I can.

I guess that's fair.

I also need to apologize to you.

It was very stupid of me to think that I know better than you when it comes to putting your baby up for adoption.

What's he talking about?

Thanks a lot.

Hadn't told him yet.

I'm sorry you had to hear it like this.

But I was gonna be an uncle.

I know, but...

This is better for the baby.

You suck!

Roscoe, wait.

[door slams]

[sighs]

Guess we're not gonna go play putt-putt tonight.

Oh, thank you so much.

This really helped.

Yes, it's nice to have some closure.

Yeah.

Still might want to get a priest in there, sprinkle a little holy water.

Yeah.

Yeah, wandering souls can screw up your satellite reception.

All right, well, that's some good advice.

Have a good day.

Easy for you to say.

I'm going to prison.

Regina?

Don't you ever keep my son from me again.

'Cause I got friends on the outside.

Bonnie: Mom!

It's weird. Doesn't feel like a prison.

That's because you're leaving.

Hey, did you know you get an hour of free recreation time outside every day?

Oh, Mom.

What? I don't even get that.

Regina Thompkins?

Right here.

Let's go.

Okay.

All right, I'm gonna say my good-byes.

And I will slap the first one of you that starts crying.

Christy... if you hadn't talked me out of bailing on my first AA meeting...

...I'd probably be dead right now.

[sniffs]

You gave me a second chance and I will never stop thanking you for it.

[crying] You're welcome.

Don't slap me.

[Regina laughs]

And Marjorie... girl, you're my rock.

You see the good in everything.

Even while you're fighting breast cancer... all you do is think of others.

I love you, Regina.

I love you, too.

[sniffs]

Don't you die on me.

I won't.

Don't you drink.

I won't.

[exhales]

Don't forget to sleep with your shoes on.

You never know when you'll have to run.

And you...

I think I'm gonna miss you most of all, scarecrow.

I know I bag on you, but you're one of the strongest women I know.

I watched you fall hard, but you picked yourself up and... started over.

I admire you so much for that.

[crying] Oh, god, why do you have to go?

It's okay, baby. I'll be out before you know it.

No, you won't.

You're gonna be in there forever!

Time's up.

[exhales]

Okay. Okay.

Bye.

Bye.

[sniffs]

It's funny...

I always thought it'd be you I'd be dropping off.

Oh, crap. Forgot about him.

Be nice.

I'm always nice.

Oh, look, we got a garden gnome.

Have fun with the grandkids?

Oh, sure, sure.

We're making baby steps in the right direction.

Why are you sitting out here?

Ah, needed some fresh air... and your daughter took the opportunity to lock me out.

Why?

I kind of spilled the beans about the adoption to Roscoe.

Violet's giving away the baby?

Oh, god, you didn't know either?

I'm screwing with you, numb-nuts.

Why don't you stay for dinner? We'll straighten this all out.

No, I've imposed enough.

I-I should get going.

Alvin, wait.

Yeah?

Why'd you really stop by this morning?

You didn't buy the whole "I had business in the neighborhood" thing?

Not for a second.

[sighs]

My wife threw me out. I had nowhere else to go.

Yes! Karma!

Stop.

Please, come on inside.

No, you know... your kids aren't real happy with me right now.

Really? They love me.

Come on.

So what do you think? You gonna lose everything in the divorce?

I only ask 'cause that and ball cancer is what I prayed for.