02x01 - Hepatitis and Lemon Zest

Christy.

Do me a favor and bus table six.

(Sighs) I'm kind of slammed.

Why can't Hector do it?

Immigration retirement party.

Half the kitchen staff is hiding in the freezer.

Got it.

Hola.

Boy, that's good scotch.

What a waste. Ugh.

What is wrong with these people?

Oops.

Okay.

What's done is done.

They're in the freezer.

Hey!

Which one of you miserable sons of bitches is horny?

(Gasps)

Oh, mom.

I just had the worst drunk dream.

It's okay, baby.

Now, be a love, and tie mama off.

(Gasps)

Mom!

What?

Nothing.

Just checking.

What?!

Mom - 02x01 "Hepatitis and Lemon Zest"

It seemed so real, like I had just thrown away my whole year.

It's okay, honey. It's a slip dream.

I've been sober 33 years, I still get 'em.

Really?

Oh, yeah.

A couple months ago, I dreamt I was snorting blow off of Tom Jones' ass.

Who's Tom Jones?

Thanks for ruining a beautiful dream.

What?

Nothing. Just checking.

I said I was sorry.

For me, slip dreams are a signal something's bothering me and I'm not dealing with it.

Boy, I don't know.

I can't think of anything that's bothering me.

She drove, so I'm gonna stick with that.

Okay, you know what?

Maybe you're ready to start helping somebody else stay sober.

Maybe it is time for me to start giving back.

Okay.

Go talk to that new girl over there.

Ooh, really?

Can't I start with somebody off the children's menu?

Okay, how about her?

Oh, that's a Gucci bag.

I can really help somebody with a Gucci bag.

Go.

Maybe I should help someone.

What's stopping you?

To be honest?

A complete lack of compassion.

Hi.

Hi.

Christy.

Jill.

Nice bag.

Thanks.

Gucci.

I wouldn't know.

Is this your first meeting?

How can you tell?

Well, no offense, but you kind of look like you just got tasered.

I feel terrible.

Yeah, I get it.

A little over a year ago I was sitting exactly where you are right now.

Of course, I wasn't dressed as nice.

In fact, I think I was wearing this same sweater.

You've been sober a whole year?

Yep. It went by like...

Tha... t.

So, what's been going on?

Not much. Um...

I got a DUI, my husband left me and I tried to commit suicide.

Oh, my God. You're gonna do great here.

Can I be a mom for a moment?

Sure.

How long's it been since you got laid?

What?

Who keeps track of that sort of thing?

The answer is: six months ago, the fireman.

If you knew, why'd you ask?

Because I wanted to talk about me, and I thought I'd come off better if I pretended to be interested in you.

Wow. I see you trying. I really do.

Thank you.

So, what's going on?

I cannot wait to bang your father.

I mean, I know I have to bide my time until his ticker's better, but all I can think about is driving to Chico and draining him like a dirty pool.

Come on.

You are talking about my father's junk.

No, you're talking about his junk.

I cloaked it in an adorable metaphor.

Maybe Violet is mature enough to be comfortable with her grandmother's sexuality.

She's not.

Anything other than bills?

Um, yeah.

Something from the Taylors.

Ooh. Baby pictures!

Open it, let's see.

I don't know if I want to.

Christy: Oh, okay. Well, you don't have to, sweetie.

Yeah, we can just talk about whether your grandmommy should have violent intercourse with your grandpappy.

She's cute.

Very cute.

Beautiful.

Oh, no.

What?

They named her "Gwyneth."

What's wrong with Gwyneth?

Seriously? I have to tell you?

No, no. I get it.

Oh, look at that cute little bunny hat.

You think that's cute?

I do not.

Okay. Well...

I guess that went as good as it could've gone.

Yeah.

You ever wonder what it'd have been like if she kept the baby?

Please don't go down that road.

I suppose.

Why don't I make us some lunch.

Thanks, but I got to run.

I'm going to meet that new girl, Jill. Roscoe, lunch!

Roscoe: I'm not hungry!

Grandma's making it.

Roscoe: Okay!

You know you're buying his love with bacon.

Still love.

(Knocking on door)

Hang on!

(Knocking continues)

One more time and nobody's home.

(Eastern European accent): Who are you?

Who are you?

Landlord.

Is Crusty here?

Crusty?

Crusty Plunkett.

Oh, that Crusty.

Um, no.

Can I ask what this is about?

Who are you?

Really? We're starting over?

Okay, I'm her mother.

You're living here?

Absolutely not.

Good, 'cause you're living here, rent would be higher.

No, no. We wouldn't want it to be higher.

So, what's up?

Your daughter... Three months behind on rent.

Really? Well, that doesn't sound like my little Crusty.

48 hours, she don't pay... I send sheriff for eviction.

How come I'm not smelling bacon?

Excuse me.

Are you hungry, baby?

Uh-huh.

You hear that? He's starving. You want him to be homeless, too?

48 hours.

Oh, come on. Look at that face.

Nice face.

48 hours.

Damn. You need to get cuter.

(Knocking on door)

Did you want me to make you a sandwich?

Oh, thanks, but Jill and I are having lunch.

Oh, right.

(door closing)

Boy, she's lucky to have a role model like you.

Ahh.

Yeah, I'm just doing what I can do.

Leading by example.

That's terrific.

Say, maybe you can give me some advice.

Mm. I can give it.

It's up to you to take it.

That's good.

I might use that with Jill.

So, here's the thing.

I have this friend who has an idiot daughter.

I mean, a real screw-up.

Ugh. That's too bad.

Makes you appreciate me, huh?

You bet.

So, here's the thing.

My friend's daughter doesn't pay the rent for three months.

And now she and her whole family are gonna be evicted.

Ooh, yikes.

Wait a minute.

You don't have any friends.

Yes, but I have an idiot daughter.

Was that the Landlord at the door?

Yes, Crusty.

How much time did he give us?

48 hours.

Oh, boy.

How could you let this happen?

"Let it happen"?!

Between Violet's pregnancy, the adoption and dad's heart attack, I lost a lot of days at work.

Yeah, but what about the money I've been kicking in?

Yes.

Okay.

Before I tell you about that, you have to understand that we were so far in the hole, the only way out was by getting creative.

So I started thinking outside the box.

Uh-huh.

Like the box was here.

And I was way over here. Thinking.

What did you do?

Um, well...

I guess I can't put off saying it anymore...

Say it!

Okay.

Remember how I used to bet on football and basketball and such?

Yeah, you sucked at it.

(Quietly): Still do.

You gambled away the rent money?

No, no, no!

You're not listening to me.

We never had rent money.

I gambled away what little we had on the hopes of getting the rent money.

See?

Outside the box.

You swore you weren't gonna gamble again.

I thought I'd be better at it sober.

Let's keep in mind the most important thing throughout all of this is...

That I never took a drink.

We'd be better off if you did!

If you were drunk, you could bang the Landlord and we wouldn't be homeless.

That's a terrible thing to say.

Think he might go for it?

Just...

You know what I like about this cheesecake?

It's creamy, but still very light.

I think they use some kind of a low-fat...

Shut up...

Yogurt.

You understand gambling is just your addiction crawling out another hole?

Yeah.

I get that now.

(Chuckling)

It's kind of like when I went crazy with the oreos and the...

Shut up...

Ho hos.

How much do you owe the Landlord?

Not much.

Give me a number.

I don't wanna.

Say it!

Four grand.

(Hisses)

Oh, I hate it when she goes...

(Hisses)


All right.

Here's what we're gonna do.

How much money do you have right now?

I can scrounge up $300... $400.

Bonnie?

Yes?

What do you got?

(Hisses)

Mom.

Oh, I suppose I can kick in that much.

Okay. I can do the same.

If you can give the Landlord anything like a month's rent, I'm sure it'll buy you some time.

I'll pay you back.

Damn straight you'll pay me back.

So, anyway, you were so smart to suggest that I work with that new girl.

It has been incredibly...

Shut up.

Satisfying.

Please, Gabriel, I really need to work more shifts.

If I had them, I'd give them to you.

How about one of Andrea's shifts?

I'm not one to gossip, but the lady doesn't wash her hands after she tinkles.

Andrea, hey, lookin' good!

Do you really want hepatitis on the menu?

I said no.

Is this because I stopped sleeping with you?

No!

It's because I started sleeping with Andrea.

Damn it.

Yes, I want ten dimes on Mississippi tech, straight up.

Yes, I know they're 18-point underdogs. I got a tip.

Yeah... just put the bet down.

Hi.

Hello.

You got a tip?

Maybe.

Is it a good one?

Do onions caramelize at 310 degrees fahrenheit?

I have no idea.

But, uh, back to the tip, is it like a sure thing?

Does lemon zest pair with ricotta?

I get it, you're a chef.

Just tell me!

Can't lose.

Pays five to one.

Really?

Five times 1,200 is...

Zero, zero, carry the one...

Okay, it's six grand.

You want me to put a bet down for you?

No, I can't.

I just can't.

Yeah, we both know she's gonna.

You cannot tell my mother about this.

Hi, I'm Jill and I'm an alcoholic.

Group: Hi, Jill.

Hi, Jill.

I have six days now.

I'm a little scared up here, I've really never talked in front of a group of people before.

Unless you count the team of doctors who were trying to determine if I was still a danger to myself.

(Laughter)

Anyway, my sponsor told me that I should share, so...

Here I am.

And I'm doing everything she says because I really want to have it all together like she does.

You're an inspiration to me, Christy.

The way she turned her life around gives me hope that maybe I can do the same.

(Very quietly): Oh, come on, make the kick, make the kick.

Christy says that it's all about honesty, taking responsibility for my mistakes and doing things differently.

The snap is good, kick is up.

Anyway... I guess that's it, so...

Thank you.

I won!

Oh, thank you, God, I won!

Hey.

Leader: Who else would like to share?

Are you crying?

I'm just so happy.

For you.

You're the best.

(Crying): Thank you.

(Silently mouthing)

Ooh.

I don't usually sleep with fat, bald guys, but tonight's your night, Mr. Franklin.

Don't turn around.

What?

Just give me the money and walk away.

Oh, no. No, no.

Look, I'm not screwing around. There's a gun in your back.

Yeah, I can feel it, I'm actually peeing myself a little.

But you don't understand, I need this money to pay my rent.

How about we split it?

Shut up.

Yeah, gee, I been getting that a lot lately.

Okay, uh, see if this works.

Follow me to my Landlord's, uh, let me give him this money, and then you rob him. Everybody wins.

(Quietly): No.

Man: I'm so frigging happy I can't even stand it.

Hey.

Great news. Landlord came by, he said one month's rent would be fine.

He said that, huh?

Yup.

I told him to come back in the morning.

(Exhales) Great.

That's when I'll sleep with him.

What are you talking about?

I got mugged.

The money's gone.

Are you kidding me?

I wish I was.

There was a gun at my back.

Oh, baby, oh, my God, come here.

Oh, mom, I was so scared.

Oh. It's gonna be all right.

Everything's gonna be fine.

Wait a minute.

There was no mugger.

Yeah, there was. Keep hugging.

No, no, no, no.

You gambled again, didn't you?

Well...

Oh, I knew it! What is wrong with you?

But I won!

Oh, really? Where's the money?

I told you, I got mugged.

Christy, it is time to admit you've got another problem.

Gambling's not a problem when you win.

And I did get mugged.

Sure you did. Let me guess, he was a big, scary-looking black guy?

He was.

Shame on you, Christy.

It's not my fault he perpetuates the stereotype.

Oh, my God, save it, we don't have time for your racism.

Now, do we have any cash for our heartless Armenian Landlord?

Well, I guess that's it.

Sheriff shows up in the morning, we get evicted.

Oh, I don't want the kids to have to go through that.

What's the alternative?

Give me a second, let me think.

I need another box.

Pack your stuff, Roscoe. We're going on a surprise vacation.

Bonnie: Pack up, Violet, we're skipping out on the rent.

What are you standing there for?

We got to get out of here before the Landlord shows up.

(Sighs) Roscoe grew up here.

This is a memory that's gonna be gone forever.

Hang on.

What are you doing?

It's not like we're gonna get the security deposit back.

That works.

Violet: This place sucks, mom.

Christy: Come on, look on the bright side.

We've won HBO.