04x13 - A Bouncy Castle and an Aneursym

Damn, damn, damn!

It's not the purse's fault you're poor.

No, I borrowed this fancy necklace from Jill for a date, and now I can't find it.

Maybe you left it at your date's house.

The date ended when we left the Sizzler, where romance goes to die.

You borrowed a fancy necklace to go to Sizzler?

He said "steakhouse."

Forgive me for dreaming.

Well, I would love to help you look, but Adam and I are heading out to the Napa Valley Food and Wine Festival, (snooty tone): where the senses go to celebrate.

Bring me back an eight-dollar meatball.

Oh, darling, you are an eight-dollar meatball.

Rich people don't sound like that.

Brought you some coffee.

What are you still doing in bed?

Five more minutes.

You said you were getting up.

Ten more minutes.

Exactly how hungover are you?

I'm not.

I am.

Can't we just go next weekend?

We could, but it would just be an empty field then.

All right, all right, I'm getting up.

Thank you.

Five minutes.

(door closes)

You're not gonna believe this.

He's too hungover to go.

You're not gonna believe this.

I found three of your traffic tickets and a tooth I'm hoping is Roscoe's.

It's just so obnoxious to blow off plans with someone just 'cause you got loaded the night before.

And before you say anything, I promise to take you to see Santa this year.

Why don't you just go without him?

You're right, I can totally go places by myself.

You want to go with me?

I'm not going anywhere till I find Jill's diamond necklace.

She's gonna kill me.

And you're sure it didn't end up in the backseat of your date's car?

My date's car was a city bus.

Adam: Okay, I'm up, and I really want to go with you.

Forget it, I'm going by myself.

(door closes)

Thank God.

Do you have, like, 40 aspirin or some bacon?

♪ ♪

What's this booth?

Oh, some kind of lamb.

I don't know what they do to the poor little bastards, but I'm back for fourths.

It's actually a post-modern take on haggis.

What they do is they take the sheep's stomach, they char the lining...

No, no, no. The guy over there told me what sweetbreads were.

I had to spit 'em in a plant.

Spoiler alert... pancreas.

(chuckles)

Hey, green wristband, huh?

Yeah, it's 50 bucks cheaper for the food only, and I'm not drinking.

So it's just me and the toddlers.

And me.

Nice.

So are you a green wristband just for today, or all the time?

Actually, I've been one for about 18 months.

Two years.

And the green wristband club just got a little cooler.

Plus, we get free admission to the bouncy castle.

Well, it's official.

None of this pairs well with iced tea.

Well, in defense of the iced tea, that deconstructed Tater Tot was just weird.

Try this ahi.

Mmm. That's good.

Right?

I should bring some of that home for my boyfriend.

Yeah, you should.

Where is he today?

To be honest, he had his own little food and wine festival last night.

And by that I mean Hot Pockets and bourbon.

I remember that festival.

So you remember what he felt like this morning.

He have a little trouble standing up?

It would have taken a miracle.

My ex took perverse glee in my hangovers.

She'd open all the curtains, make my son practice his clarinet.

Wow, points for creativity.

So, was drinking the reason you split up?

Well, that and burning down our restaurant.

Oh, my God.

People tell you don't drink and drive.

What they really should say is don't drink and fry chicken.

(laughs)

Well, at least you can joke about it now.

Yeah. And I'm proud to say I just opened up a new place.

That's great. It sounds like you're getting everything back on track.

Well, not everything.

My kids still don't speak to me.

For what it's worth, my daughter didn't talk to me for a long time.

But things are in a better place now?

Yeah, we talk all the time.

Careful what you wish for.

Hey, there's Jill.

Did you find her necklace?

Shut up.

Hey, Christy. How was your big date?

Good, good.

I got all the salad I could eat.

Okay.

So, um, did you bring my necklace?

Oh, darn!

Siri was supposed to remind me, but the bitch just hates me.

I will bring it to you tomorrow.

It's on my nightstand.

Right next to her Bible.

Excuse me, miss, do you have deconstructed Tater Tots here or, uh, just Oreos?

Hey, what are you doing here?

Well, you mentioned this meeting, I thought I'd check it out.

I'm glad you did.

This is my daughter Christy.

My friends Marjorie, Wendy, Jill.

Everybody, this is Joe.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, Joe.

Well, come on, let's find us some seats.

Great.

Hang on there, Tater Tots.

I'll be right there.

Who's that?

Oh, him? We met at the food thing.

What food thing?

Boy, are you missing the point of the story.

I had to listen to you yap all night about infused octopus balls, and somehow man with balls slipped your mind?

What? I made a friend. End of story.

Did you tell him about Adam?

Yes, I did.

Did you tell Adam about him?

I told him about Adam.

You know, Bonnie, when we keep secrets, we set a ball rolling, and it always rolls downhill.

What do you have, a "motto of the day" calendar?

Actually, I do.

Well, there is no secret.

I didn't mention it to Adam because why make him jealous for no reason?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sit with my new friend, who, as far as I'm concerned, has no genitalia.

Okay, who had eight months in the Bonnie-Adam breakup pool?

Yeah, she is definitely playing with fire.

I agree.

"Those things left unsaid often poison the marriage bed."

Okay, it's not cute anymore, Marjorie.

Who you texting?

Uh, just a friend.

Who?

Suzanne.

Have I met her?

Are you kidding me?

You sat next to her at Jill's birthday party.

I did?

Honey, I'm worried about you.

She's vegan, does driftwood art.

You said she smelled funny.

I really don't remember.

Oh, that's sad, 'cause she always asks about you.

I'm gonna get something to drink.

Hey, Bonnie.

Yeah?

Tell Suzanne I said hi.

Will do.

Hey. How's it going?

Terrible.

I still can't find Jill's necklace.

I've looked in the bureau...

Rhetorical!

What are you doing?

I'm Googling how to fake a robbery.

Ask me, I'm right here.

(phone chimes)

Who are you texting so late?

Just a friend.

Not with that smile on your face.

You're texting that guy, aren't you?

It's not a big deal.

We enjoy hanging out together.

And that's it?

That's it.

And he invited me to dinner at his new restaurant tomorrow.

Again, not a big deal.

Then why don't you bring Adam?

They don't have anything in common.

Sure they do... they both have the same girlfriend.

The only thing that could've made that meal better is if I could have a cigarette right now.

I would kill for a cigarette.

I'm gonna say something controversial.

Post-sex cigarette, a little overrated.

Post-beef cigarette, magic!

Well, thanks again.

You're welcome.

It's a great restaurant.

Try not to burn it down.

I will.

I hope your daughter enjoys the short ribs.

Oh, these are never gonna make it home.

I'm gonna eat them at the first red light.

Can we do this again?

Sure. I'd like that.

Although, I gotta tell you, my friends are... giving me a hard time about us hanging out.

Yeah?

They think something's going on between us.

I think they might be right.

♪ ♪


Mmm. Hang on.

I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that.

It's just...

I-I get it. I totally get it.

(both moaning)

We have to stop.

I have a boyfriend, and you know that.

I do, but I just keep feeling like there's something going on here.

There is, it's called friendship.

Does your boyfriend know where you are right now?

All right, I screwed up.

I admit it.

I like this, but I love Adam.

I have to go.

These are just too good.

♪ ♪

Hey!

What are you doing here?

Ah, just dropping off some flowers for your mom.

Wait, what are you doing here?

Bonnie told me you two were going out for dinner.

She did?

Yeah.

Oh, sure, right.

But I ended up getting called into work.

See, Julie's stepfather died... She's this girl I work with.

I think he had an aneurysm. She covered for me when I hurt my back, so I felt like I had to do the same.

I would've anyway... I mean, he died.

Man, aneurysms, huh?

You're just walkin' along and Bam, game over.

Is that a new jacket?

No, no, it's not.

So, where's your mom?

Oh, she ended up going out to dinner with Marjorie.

Ah, okay.

Do you mind if I come in and wait?

Sure.

These are beautiful.

Yeah, I needed to apologize for being such a jerk the other day.

You know what would really make her feel better?

You should get her this necklace.

By tomorrow.

(chuckling): It's kind of pricey.

I think I'm gonna stick with the flowers.

I thought you loved her, but okay.

Can I get you something to drink?

Uh, no, I'm good.

You sure?

70% of all Americans are dehydrated; they don't even know it. (chuckles)

That settles it, I'm getting you some water.

You know, Adam, she and Marjorie might go to a movie after dinner, so you could be waiting a long time.

That's okay, I got nothing going on.

(quietly): Of course you don't.

Adam. What are you doing here?

Surprising my girlfriend.

(nervous chuckle)

You sure are.

How was dinner?

My dinner?

(phone chimes)

It was, uh, okay.

I... Christy ended up having to go to work, so I went with Marjorie and she was just blah, blah, blah, blah, sobriety.

(chuckles)

Oh, look who's back.

Here you go.

Just 'cause I'm wearing this doesn't mean you have to tip. But you can.

Look, Adam brought you flowers.

What a wonderful boyfriend.

All right, good night.

That's really sweet of you.

Hmm. So where'd you and Marjorie go for dinner?

Oh, a new place.

How was it?

The food was amazing.

Maybe we should try it sometime.

But not amazing in a good way.

In fact, I should just brush my teeth.

Christy? Christy!

Ugh. What?

What are you doing?

I'm looking for the necklace!

Under there?

I thought I saw something shiny.

It was just a Rolo wrapper.

Well, that's it.

I'm just gonna have to tell Jill I lost it and hope someday she needs a kidney.

Joe kissed me.

What?

It was completely out of the blue.

I got to spit.

How was it out of the blue?

You were on a freakin' date.

It was not a date.

He pay for dinner?

It was his restaurant.

You shave your legs?

I'm not an animal.

Date!

Okay, fine, it was a date.

Oh, my God, how am I gonna tell Adam?

You're not.

What?

Do you like Joe?

Are you gonna go out with him again?

No, I am in love with Adam.

Then don't blow it up over one mistake that you're never gonna make again.

But I feel so guilty.

And you should.

But you don't get to hurt Adam just to make yourself feel better.

When did you get so smart?

It's easy to fix other people's problems.

Meanwhile, I owe Jill $87,000.

Crazy thought, did you try looking in your jewelry box?

Seriously, Mom?

You're right, that was stupid.

Anyway, thanks for your help.

(sighs)

If it were there, I would've had to kill myself.

How'd you know these long blue things are my favorites?

I told the guy at the flower shop I screwed up pretty bad, he said, "You're gonna want to go with the long blue things."

Well, thank you, they're perfect.

I'm really sorry about last weekend.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

Let's move on.

No, no, I-I want to say this.

From now on, if I tell you that I'm gonna go with you somewhere, I'm gonna go, 'cause I know that I can count on you, and... you deserve the same.

(sighs) A guy kissed me tonight.

What?

I wasn't at dinner with Marjorie.

I was with a guy I met at the food festival.

Hold on.

(chuckles)

You're seeing somebody else?

Not seeing... we're just friends.

Christy: I found the necklace!

Friends don't kiss.

Bye.

The important thing is I stopped him.

And... that makes it okay?

Well, the old Bonnie would've slept with him without giving it a second thought.

You should be proud of me.

Proud of you?

Hey, I didn't shoot a puppy today with a BB gun.

Are you proud of me?

Well, if you had a history of shooting puppies, yeah, I would be.

So tell me, what's the big attraction for this guy, huh?

Or are you just tired of being with somebody in a wheelchair?

That's what you think of me?

You want to know... what I liked about him?

He's sober.

Oh, I should've guessed. He's sober.

I'm sorry, but there is a difference.

Sometimes when you're drinking you can be right next to me and I feel completely alone.

Yeah, well, I know another way to make you feel completely alone.

Are you kidding me?

And I got news for you.

It is also no picnic being with someone who never drinks!

Well, how would you know? You'd be too hungover to even go to the picnic.

Oh, my God, you made up smelly Suzanne!

Here you go, one diamond necklace.

Thank you.

You all saw it, it is officially returned.

Oh, that is so beautiful.

I'll never own anything that nice.

Sure you will. Here.

What?

You're giving it to her?

It's just a glass knock-off.

I keep the real one in a safe deposit box.

Why didn't you tell me?!

Well, if you knew it was fake, you wouldn't feel special.

Have you met me?

I never feel special!

Okay, well, next time I'll let you borrow the real one.

What are you trying to do, kill me?

Bonnie, stop checking your phone.

He'll call when he calls.

I don't know what I was thinking with Joe.

Well, maybe you liked the danger.

What are you talking about?

Oh, come on, when we were drinking, our lives were packed with drama.

Sometimes when you're sober, you miss that.

I know I do.

There was a time where I'd pick up a glass of champagne in L.A. and wake up in Paris.

Same thing happened to me, except I woke up in a panel van.

I sure don't miss the drama.

Waking up with no idea where my car is, or who autographed my boob with a Sharpie.

Oh, I bet you were a fun drunk.

You'd think, but no.

(phone chimes)

Oh, God, it's Adam.

He said he'll be...

(chuckles) out of his apartment this afternoon (voice breaking): and I can come pick up my stuff.

Oh, Bonnie.

(sighs)

The only relationship that lasts forever is the one we have with ourselves.

(clicks tongue)

Yeah, I deserved that.