01x06 - Thanksgiving

♪ Fourth Thursday in November ♪
♪ That is when we must remember ♪
♪ How the Pilgrims would have died ♪
♪ If not for friendship of a tribe... ♪

Hi.

Hi.

Thank you so much for helping backstage. This year.

Really, it's made such a difference.

That's nice.

Yeah.

How... how is your boyfriend?

We broke up.

Oh, sorry.

Good riddance! Just kidding.

Oh.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

Well, I always spend it with my grandmother...

That's so nice.

But she just died.

Oh, my God! I'm so sorry.

That's terrible. When?

Well, it was about a month ago.

It was while I was writing the Halloween madrigal.

No wonder it was so deep.

♪ What's it all about? ♪
♪ Is there any point? ♪
♪ Do we start dying ♪
♪ the moment we are born...? ♪

Well, I better go warm up the gourds.

Paul!

Yeah?

Well... Oh!

What is that?

I went to five grocery stores, and I got the last turkey in America.

No, Jess, we're not doing Thanksgiving, okay?

We talked about this.

We're just gonna watch football, drink beer and then we are going to Best Buy for Black Friday.

Or as I like to call it, "Friday."

It's our thing, Jess. It's Dudesgiving.

Okay, no matter how many e-mails you send, that's not a thing.

It's real, man. It's totally real.

It's not real.

We're not calling it that.

It has been two years since I've had an American Thanksgiving.

We talked about this.

Look, it's not a big deal.

I'm just cooking dinner for you guys... and Paul.

What?

What?

Hmm? What?

Did you say "and Paul"?

Who's Paul?

Did you invite somebody named Paul to our house?

Yes, I did. I asked someone out.

Asked someone out?

Jess, be honest ... is the turkey named Paul?

It's a real guy.

And he teaches at my school.

And he's really, really hot!

And the turkey is named Hank ... Hanksgiving.

And we are gonna eat him, so...

Hanksgiving.

♪ Hey, girl ♪

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♪ What you doing? ♪

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♪ Hey, girl ♪

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♪ Where you going? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess. ♪

visit tvshowslatest.blogspot.com Don't worry, guys, I will do everything.

Are we gonna be able to hang out with Paul or is he also a teacher?

No, he's a total guy's guy.

He normally spends Thanksgiving with his nana, but she just passed away.

That's a great plan, Jess, be the girl who replaces his dead nana.

I know!

Guys, look, this is a bad idea.

He's gonna be our fifth roommate, I'm telling you.

It's a first date.

We don't know him, okay? We got to figure out whether or not he's the right guy for us.

We deserve to be happy.

You guys, don't even get up.

Just enjoy your beers. It's gonna be a great meal.

Just curious, does anybody know anything about cooking?

Mm-mmm.

No pressure.

Just, like, cooking a turkey, for example.

It says you need some kind of string.

Trussing string.

Don't, Schmidt!

That's a good turkey tip. You got more?

Here's a tip: Don't cook Thanksgiving dinner for five people in 14 hours.

Here's another tip: don't ask a guy out on a first date on the least sexy holiday in America.

What are the most sexy holidays?

The most sexy holidays are Fourth of July, uh, Independence Day, obviously, Women's History Month and Christmas.

Will you help me?

No, definitely not.

What if I invite Cece?

Don't do it, Schmidt. Beer, football, Black Friday.

Thanksgiving with Cece.

No, Schmidt.

Okay.

No, no, no, no!

No, Schmidt!

But I want to let you know up front that I've got some control issues in the kitchen, so I'm gonna do this, I'm cooking the whole meal.

I don't want you touching anything.

And I don't want to hear,

"Schmidt, Schmidt, you're using too much tarragon,"

because I'm not.

You will never hear that from me.

I'm in.

Come on, Schmidt!

Yes!

So, this guy's gonna thaw out by tomorrow, right?

What are we, scientists?

Oh!

Hey, look at that, it's ready.

What am I gonna do?! He comes in three hours!

Oh, God, I can't get it in!

We've all been here, am I right?

Jar.

Maybe if I take off all my clothes and I get in bed with him, the heat of my body will warm it up.

I'm not gonna lie. This is turning me on a little bit. - It is?

Hey, guys.

Cece! Thank God. Come down here and lie on the turkey with me.

Oh, hell, yeah, do that.

Yeah, do it. That'd be good.

This is a terrible idea.

Yeah, 100%.

I put it on permanent press.

Good, so you don't have to iron it.

(knocking)

No! He's here early! How do I look?

It's better if you don't know.

Hi!

Hey!

Come on in.

All right.

Paul, everybody!

Hey.

Hey-yo.

Welcome to our home.

Thank you. Hey.

♪ It ain't so quirky to eat a lot of turkey ♪
♪ On this Thanksgiving Day-ay-ay. ♪
♪ My belly's wanting something ♪
♪ A pie made out of pumpkin ♪
♪ In every gobble-gobble way-ay-ay. ♪

(both snicker)

I didn't know you were going back to back.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Oh, my God, there's two of them.

It's good to see you.

Um...

So, I'm just gonna freshen up.

Oh, thanks.

And I'll be right back.

I forgot to tell you, Paul brought his violin, and with a little coaxing, he fiddle with the old horsehairs.

Only if you don't mind being enchanted.

(both laugh)

I just want to watch the game.

Hey, Nick, can I talk to you?

I just need you not to do that thing that you do.

What thing? I don't do a thing.

Yes, you get all mean and you make that little turtle face.

Okay, I don't think I make a turtle face.

Just talk to him like a normal human being.

Not about politics or small business loans or the Google conspiracy thing, okay?

I've only seen him at school, and I really want to wow him tonight, okay?

Please, he's the only guy I've liked since Spencer.

I'm not good at this stuff, so please just help me.

All right, fine, I'll help you.

Shake on that, pardner?

I don't want to do it like that, though.

Fair enough.

Fair enough.

Can I sit here?

CECE:

Parsley?

Guy roommates.

Three guys.

It's intimidating.

I gotta be honest, it's intimidating coming to that arena.

It's hard to get to know people.

It's like Goldilocks

and the Three Bears.

Bet you're the bear who has the bed that's just right.

Hmm.

It's a teacher joke, sorry.

Okay, here's what we're gonna do, Paul.

Um, just so I get to know you a little better and you can know me better, Yeah.

We're gonna play a little game.

Oh, great. Fun, yeah.

All right, I'm gonna say something, and you're gonna say the first thing that pops in your head.

Kazoo.

Okay, we haven't even started yet.

Okay. I'm gonna stick with kazoo.

Right, okay, um,

"boundaries."

Important.

Okay, um,

"other people's stuff."

Private.

Good. Uh, "loud early morning s*x."

Nice work if you can get some.

(toots)

Hey, Paul.

Hey, Nicholas.

What's going on, guys? Nicholas, wow.

Just two dudes playing word-association games, kicking back a couple of pumpkin ales.

I think that's a lager, right?

Mm-mm, this is an ale. It has to do with the fermentation process.

Could be, could be.

Uh, hey, do you want to watch football, the Lions?

Ah, yes! The mighty, mighty Lions of Des Moines.

They play every Thanksgiving, right, because they're the most ferocious of the teams.

Lions from Detroit. Detroit Lions.

That's another...

What you gobbling about, turkeys?

(both laugh)

Anyone who tells you the future of gravy is nitrogen-based is cooking with blinders on, Cece.

What is...? Are you...? Did you wash your hands?

I'll wash them after.

Okay, no.

See, just, can you just stop?

Because now the entire bowl of walnuts is compromised.

Wow. You're very sanitary.

Do you wash your hands ten times a day?

Okay, look, don't worry, Cece.

If I need to, I can get my hands dirty.

I mean, I get dirty all over.

Would you eat this filthy walnut?

Yeah, I mean, I'd eat the... yeah.

Okay, open your mouth. Open your mouth, Schmidt.

No!

(water runs)

Beautiful savage.

Oh, intermission.

No, it's halftime.

It's parade time.

It's robot turkey.

You know, it was Grandma's favorite.

We used to love watching the parade together.

She was the best.

Check it out. Here she is.

Here's the lady.

Oh, she's beautiful!

Yeah. We used to get in the funniest arm-wrestling matches.

(chuckles)

Hey, can I show you something?

Uh, picture here. That's my grandpa.

Aw...

Died last year.

I'm so sorry. Sorry, Winston.

Thanks. Thanks, man. It's okay.

This picture right here was when he tried to quit drinking. That was a bad idea for everybody.

This is the first time he tried gelatto.

He did not like that.

What was his name?

His name was Nelson.

Hey, Schmidt, how's it going?

Well, I need some walnuts. I have no walnuts.

I should go get those. You should stay here with the turkey.

Though, shoot. I have had two pumpkin ales.

I probably shouldn't get behind the wheel of a car.

Nick, how many pumpkin ales have you had?

Oh, I've had zero pumpkin ale.

Then can you take Paul to the store, right?

(softly): ♪ Getting some walnuts, getting some walnuts. ♪

I'm sorry, man, are you singing about what we're doing?

Yeah, guess I was.

Sometimes I don't even realize I'm doing it.

Where are you from?

Chicago.

Oh, land of plenty.

It's weird being in L.A.

It doesn't feel like Thanksgiving.

It feels like there should be, like, a little nip in the air, you know?

A little bit like...

Yeah, totally.

...an autumn crisp.

So, Jess said you're a lawyer, right?

I dropped out of law school. I had three semesters to go.

Oh, what?! So close!

So you're still trying to figure it out, right?

That's what your 20s are for.

I'm 30, so...

Oh, Mr. Copycat.

(chuckles)

That's where I get my copies made.

No way! Yep!

You get your copies there?!

I don't, I don't. It was the other one.

Oh, you have got to be kidding me, man. - No.

That's right.

I need long sustained mashes.

Oh, hey, you've got something on your nose right...

What?! What?!

No!

What is wrong with you?

Look at this recipe. Look at the recipe.

Where in this recipe does it say "put mashed potatoes on Schmidt's nose"?

Look at it. No. Here? Here? Here?

Go on, show me!

Schmidt!

Oh, hey. Hey.

NICK: Look, Paul, move.

We got the nuts, Jess.

I don't think Nick likes me very much.

No.

(loud bang)

(hissing)

Turkey!

Turkey's on fire! Fire!

Jar.

It's like a Prince video.

Oh, my God.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I really wanted you to have a good time.

Remember when it was only dudes living here, and we had no fires?

This is ridiculous.

Three months ago we didn't even know this girl.

My Lasik'd eye is freaking out.

Okay, that's it. We're leaving. Guys, let's get out of here.

I've had a great time.

Paul, I am so sorry.

We're going to the bar. We can't get rid of the smoke.

Wait.

Wait, wait, wait! Hold on, we can still do this. What are you guys doing?

I have been dying to try that food you've been cooking all day.

You've been slaving away in there.

What's your name again?

Schmidt.

Right.

You know, it's my last name.

Well, my last name is Genzlinger, and I'd like to eat the food that you've been making all day, Schmidt.

Yeah, all right. Genzlinger.

I'm with Genzlinger.

JESS: I have an idea!

Let's go next door.

Mrs. Beverly's really great. She's visiting her sister, but she gave me her spare key for emergencies.

So we're breaking and entering. That's a felony, FYI.

Hey, law school! Nice!

JESS:

No, we're not breaking in.

I gave her a key to our place, too.

She sometimes has a problem with her shower.

No, not you.

What are you doing? You promised me you'd be nice to him.

I was nice to him! I've been very nice to Paul.

NICK: The whole car ride over I was nice to him.

You know what he tells me about?

He likes Air Bud 2.

He loves dogs. I know where he gets his copies made. He likes to whistle.

He wanted to open the door with me, so when my hand went up, so did his.

Oh, I get it.

He's not cool enough for you.

'Cause nobody can be cool enough for cool Nick Miller.

I'm Nick Miller.

I'm so cool, I'll make my cool face.

Why don't you like him?

NICK:

Who cares? Do you like him?

JESS:

Of course I like him.

Okay, fine! It doesn't matter what I think, does it?

'Cause I don't have to have s*x with him.

I do. I want to.

I want to have s*x with him big-time.

NICK: Great.

JESS: You heard me!

Big-time! Okay?

I want to take him down to Chinatown and slice him off a piece of this pumpkin pie, okay?

What is pumpkin pie?

JESS: I want to do all the things that you do in a bedroom, with him, okay?

I want to do it standing up and sitting down, and half-up and half-down, and the wiggly one, and the Bear Attack, and the claws in the head, and the one the figure skaters do, and the What's For Lunch, and the... Give Me That Hat. Let's just say that I'm good. I'm really, really good.

And I don't care what you think!

Then why did you ask me?

Hey, Jess.

Uh... just want you to know everyone really loves Paul.

And also, we can hear everything you're saying.

What?

Play through.

After you, Jess.

Excuse me.


So, um... just a heads-up.

Uh... we're just rehearsing a play that, uh, Nick is writing. It's called...

"Big-Time."

It's... it's about a man who, um, loves another man named Paul and it's not very good.

I'm so sorry.

I've done Give Me That Hat.

Only for me it was like, I, you know, I was like, I was like, "Here, take my hat."

Do you know what I mean?

(plucking strings)

So how bad was it, on a scale from one to bad?

Let's put it this way:

a normal guy would've left a long time ago and he's still here, right?

He's not normal.

Schmidt yelled at me earlier.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Did he get weird? He's weird about cooking.

Did you touch his whisk?

CECE:

No, the thing is, Jess...

is I think I'm into him.

What? Oh, God.

Yeah, he's got this rage inside of him, this fury, and I just love it.

NICK: Hey, Schmidt?

It's hour nine. I'm starving.

Well, I can blanch or I can talk, but I can't do both.

I'm going in.

(violin string twangs)

Nick...

I gotta just say something to you.

I feel like... you think I'm kind of annoying.

You didn't have to come here to say that.

You could've done it from over there. - Okay.

And if that's the case ... which I don't know that it is ...

It is.

I don't care.

I actually feel sort of sorry for you, because at this point in your life I know that you'll never dislike me more than you dislike yourself.

Really? That's what you're going with, Violin?

Want a little, um, napkin-folding music?

(laughs)

Kind of need it.

I can't believe you're still here.

What do you mean? Of course I'm still here.

Why wouldn't I be here?

Hey.

Let's talk about what happened earlier.

'Cause you made me feel like I was a really bad girl.

I know I did, and...

I'm really sorry, Cece.

I'll never yell at you like that again.

How about now?

Please... Please don't do that.

Got my dirty little hands in your pudding. - Can you...

So gross...

It's so gross, please... Oh, God.

Mmm...

(gags)

So gross.

Yell.

I really... I'd really rather you not do that.

I haven't washed my hands since 3:00, and I'm gonna double-dip.

It's so gross...

How about now?

It's all the way, it's all the way in there, with all the...

it's so unsanitary. Please, just put it...

I'm-I'm begging you to... Please just take the towel!

This may be none of my business, but I-I-I really have to ask you:

Did anything happen between you and Nick?

Like, did you guys go out, or ...

What?

'Cause I, I really don't want to get in the middle of anything.

No. No.

No, no, no, no.

No.

Good.

Because I really want to see you again.

Big-time.

(laughs)

Big-time.

Big-time.

Like the play.

Yeah.

Cool play.

It is.

Do you really like him, Winston?

Yes, man! He asked me my grandpa's name.

You've never asked me my grandpa's name.

I don't know, Winston, I always just thought he was your grandpa.

I mean, you don't know my grandpa's name.

You mean Mason on your dad's, or Charles on your mom's?

Yeah, it's Mason and Charles.

SCHMIDT:

Ho, ho, ho, baby.

JESS:

Oh, that looks lovely.

Genzlinger!

Schmidt!

Yeah, buddy.

You kidding me?

Oh, it looks incredible.

It really does.

What if you play something for us before we start?

Before? Oh, no, no.

Yes!

Please?

Play.

You're all hungry. You know you want to do it.

Just do it. - Okay. - Please?

Twist my arm. - Okay.

All right. - Yeah.

Uh, duet from the pageant, huh?

(Whispering) Oh.

PAUL: Big entrance.

JESS: Okay.

Native Americans, gather ye round for I have a new friend I've met in the forest.

(Paul screams)

Dead body! Dead body!

PAUL: Holy God!

There's a dead body in there.

I think there's a dead body. There's a dead body!

There's a dead body!

Oh! That is real.

Ooh.

Oh! God.

That's a real thing.

What? (screams)

Poor Mrs. Beverly.

Oh, Ms. Beverly from the mailboxes.

I'm so sorry, Paul.

Oh, it was so fun. I had a great time.

WINSTON:

Anytime, bro.

Hey, listen, we're gonna go to a Best Buy, later, and grab a new dryer. Totally stop by if you need anything.

Oh, good, good. Okay. Thank you.

Oh. Okay.

All right.

Cool. Thank you. No, no, no, no, no.

Coming in. Coming in.

Guys...

No, no, no.

Get clear.

At least she died doing what she loved.

She was on the toilet, Jess.

I'm starving.

Really? Even after that great meal we didn't have?

Oh, come on, Jess.

Are you going to be mad at me all night?

Are you cold?

Do you want my cardie?

(violin playing)

You came.

Yeah.

When I was on that elevator ride from hell, the coroners told me to stop crying like a girl.

I told them that was sexist.

You're right.

I am right.

And then I decided, life is too short.

So I went around the corner, picked up a couple of turkey subs for your friends ...

Yup.

They're foot-longers ...

and... here I am.

Just a man and his violin.

You're amazing.

MAN: Hey, no cutting!

Is he cutting?

He's not cutting. Relax.

Guys! We got a cutter here!

NICK: Calm down, pal. Stop.

(crowd murmurs angrily)

He's not cutting.

He's not cutting.

He's... I saved his spot.

Calm down.

False alarm!

He's just doing fair tradesies.

Honestly, stop overreacting to cutting!

I'm going to the back of the line. This spot's for Paul.

Thanks, Nick.

Thank you, Nick.

Hey. Nick.

Wait.

CECE:

Let's go. Come on.

Hey, I'll go back there, too.

JESS:

♪ Thursday in November ♪

BOTH:

♪ That's the day we remember ♪
♪ How the Pilgrims would have died... ♪

It's gonna get a lot worse before it gets better.

♪ If not for friendship of a tribe ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪
♪ Why don't you take the fiddle ♪
♪ Fiddle it up and fiddle it down ♪
♪ Fiddle it all over town. ♪

(laughing, whooping)

NICK: Where the hell are they going?