01x07 - Bells

Mmm. You know you want in on this, man.

A little fatty toon... little yellow T...

Cali roll.

Samurai snack.

So scrummy.

I'm good with this. Looks like you're soloing on $80 worth of sushi, Schmidt.

'Cause I got the means, player. Look, I get why you don't want to get down there.

But, Winston, you got to climb aboard, man.

You got a serious J-O-B now.

Serious?

Yeah.

Dude, it's a temp job.

If by "serious,"

you mean "piece of crap,"

then yeah, it's serious.

I'm surprised you haven't made a game of it.

Oh, I've tried.

(click)

I'm losing my mind, guys.

You know, I sometimes touch the frayed part of the power cord just to feel something.

What's up, guys?

Nobody has any lady guests coming over tonight, right?

Lady guests?

And how do you feel about opening your home and your hearts to the youth of America?

(indistinct chatter)

Yo, Miss Day, where should we set up these bells?

(bells crashing)

♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ What you doing? ♪
♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ Where you going? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl?
♪ It's Jess. ♪

visit tvshowslatest.blogspot.com JESS:

I'm so sorry, you guys, I should have told you, but the community center decided to turn our rehearsal space back into a hallway, so...

I had nowhere to go.

Is this something that a mean, creative judge made you do?

NICK: Yeah, this is just like a nightmare I had where you brought over teenagers with bells.

JESS:

These kids had a choice between early morning detention and music, and they all chose music.

No kidding?

Desiree, bells are not for hitting.

The kids wanted to play band instruments, but we got a huge donation of handbells, which are tres tres dope.

DESIREE: Miss Day, can I eat some of these crackers up in here?

(chuckles):

No, no, no. Water crackers are for adults... to eat with adult cheese.

Can I eat a cracker sushi sandwich?

No. Jess.

WINSTON: So what, you guys are gonna sit around all night playing "Jingle Bells"?

"Jingle Bells" is a trash song played on a trash instrument, and I'm not really asking permission, I'm giving you a heads-up.

(laughs):

Well, that got serious.

Anyway, you are gonna love these kids.

(playing very out-of-tune

"Camptown Races")

Thank you, Schmidt.

Wonderful.

(continue playing badly)

Great, guys!

So good.

Just think, you could be in detention right now.

Is it too late to choose detention?

We suck.

We don't suck, we just need a little bit of rehearsal.

Hector, okay, good!

Big finish, and... we're out.

I'm so proud of you.

That's what it feels like to play a song sort of together.

Bring it in.

In.

Yes.

Ensembell!

Ensembell!

Five minutes

(toilet flushing)

of text time ... you earned it.

DESIREE (calls):

Oh, dear... Miss Day!

Desiree?

Miss Day!

Oh!

You got a twisted toilet, Miss Day.

Nick!

Toilet situation! Code one! Water only!

You didn't tell her the system?

Oh, I'm sorry, she went rogue.

You have to turn on the faucet before you flush the toilet, 'cause...

(sighs)

All right.

Thank you, Nick.

All right.

There we go, no problem.

Perfect. You did it.

The plastic soda bottle is right where it's supposed to be ...

Back in the wall hole.

What? It's fixed.

I've heard that before.

♪ ♪

It's fixed.

(squeaking)

It's fixed.

(drill whirrs)

It's fixed.

Okay, Nick, repeat after me:

I am not the Chinese kid from Goonies.

You know, I fix things just to the point of working, Schmidt.

If you want a fancy-fix, just say so.

Okay.

Please fancy-fix the toilet.

That's all you had to say.

(bells playing lively melody)

That actually sounds really good.

(lively melody continues)

(lively melody continues)

(music pauses)

(chuckles)

JESS:

Whoa.

You're amazing!

♪ ♪

(shudders)

Goose pimples.

Look. Each one...

a memory.

JESS:

Winston, please help me.

Just hear me out.

Two things women love ...

Alternative percussion players and role models.

The kids would love it and we'd get to spend time together.

You got to do it ... it's a Mitzvah, bro.

Are you sure you've never rung before?

Believe it or not, Jess, I have never played handbells before.

I just pick things up easy, that's all.

I know handbells aren't the coolest instrument in the world, they might not even be the fifth coolest, but the kids would love it, it would really mean a lot to them, and if they saw how good you are, I think they'd really get into it and maybe try a little bit harder.

Also, there's, like, a lot of potentially cool, like, bell shorthand we could use to talk about...

(whispers):

Nick...

while he's right there we'll be, like...

"Nick's such a tinkle!"

"I think he's more like a tonkel."

Tinkle and tonkel are potential bell talk we could use.

I get it.

Just be cool, please.

I am cool.

Before you make your decision, I'd only need you till the concert on Sunday.

(bell dings)

I don't know, I think I could be into this.

Yay!

And with that statement, he never had s*x again.

♪ Winston and me are playing bells every day... ♪

Until Sunday. I'm cool.

Nick, look, I don't mean to nag you, but how long is this gonna take?

Fancy-fix, fancy amount of time.

'Cause I would like to use my own bathroom now.

Sir, bathrooms are for customers only.

Mm.

How dare you.

If only there were some sort of pipe and...

and water expert that we could hire to come and fix this problem.

Yeah, I can't afford a plumber.

A plumber! That's what it's called!

You really want to do this?

You want to have this fight with me?

You want to go down this path, Schmidt?

I don't know, is this a path that you recently fixed?

It's called self-reliance.

'Cause unlike you, Schmidt, I don't just throw my money at problems.

All I'm hearing is that I can't use my bathroom because you're poor.

Look, it's your lucky day, buddy.

I'm gonna pay for the plumber.

No, Schmidt, I don't want your charity.

Well, you seem very happy using my emergency tools.

Oh, yeah? Do you even know what this is?

Doy, it's a scissor.

Yeah, that's exactly right.

A scissor. Really, Schmidt?

Yeah, a scissors that you just threw in the turdlet.

So, tonight at rehearsal, keep an eye out for Hector.

I'm having trouble getting him to interact.

He really wants to play the drums, so I told him bells were the next best thing, which was a lie, so I couldn't keep a straight face while I was saying it.

He saw right through me.

(laughs)

So, why do you do this bell thing, Jess?

I mean, like, how do you win?

(laughs)

You don't win.

You win by helping the kids.

I just want to get them to care and try hard, you know?

So you want them to try hard?

Yeah.

I'll get them to try hard.

No, I'm telling you, they're not gonna listen to you.

Okay.

Oh, what, a plumber?

You plan it this way?

Just to rub my face in it?

Yes, I wanted to rub your face in our working toilet.

Great. Well, that working toilet I will never use.

You're never gonna go to the bathroom again?

Oh, you're the soda bottle guy.

Yeah.

That was actually pretty smart.

Thank you! Thank you.

And I have nothing to say to you.

Okay.

Question for you, sir. How much did he pay for this?

All right, you know what? That's enough.

$50? $100?

Inappropriate.

Hey, my name's Schmidt. I was born rich.

I had a $40,000 Bar Mitzvah.

Okay.

How long you do the petty act for, man, huh?

A week? A month?

Is this "my favorite bedspread"

all over again?

That was a handmade gift my nanny gave me that you spilled a pitcher of Midori Sours on, and now you bring it up like it's nothing?

I left you a check for $30 on your pillow.

Your nanny gave you that thing for free, so as far as I'm concerned, you're up 30 bucks.

My nanny is dead!

I'm not looking to make money off of her!

I will not apologize again for the Midori Sours!

Who drinks Midori Sours?!

Everyone drinks Midori Sours!

No, they don't!

It's a melon liqueur!

I would never drink one!

It's an American classic with Asian influences!

Winston would never drink one!

Enjoy the couch. I bought that, too.

Enjoy the rug, too ... paid for that.

Organic woven.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Oh, come on, man.

Well, I stole the cable!

And my Bar Mitzvah was an amazing event!

(door slams)


The theme was sports jams.

(bells playing

"Camptown Races" badly)

(virtuosic playing)

(last note rings)

OTHERS: Oh! Wow! Oh, my God! That was really good.

That was amazing.

Wow!

That was off the hammer!

(chuckles)

The hammer in the bell.

(Jess laughs)

♪ Tough crowd. ♪

WINSTON: Here's what I was thinking, okay?

If we want to win this concert, we play something cool, like "Eye of the Tiger."

GIRL:

What's "Eye of the Tiger"?

"Eye of the Tiger" is the greatest song ever written.

It's so cool, it ended the Cold War.

That's not even a little bit true.

I never thought bells could be cool.

What do you mean?

I make bells cool.

Do that thing where you hold three bells in one hand...

Three-in-hand.

I think she's talking about the Winston.

OTHERS: Yeah. The Winston.

It's actually called the three-in-hand.

I can do it.

Yeah, but can you do this?

(Winston playing beautiful chords)

(music stops)

Oh, my God!

That was really pretty.

(exotic accent):

But Miss Day has a few tricks up her sleeves as well.

Let's see what you got.

Yeah, come on, Miss Day.

Let's see what you got, Miss Day.

(playing dissonant chords)

♪ ♪

(deep, monotone voice):

♪ I am a robot ♪
♪ Trying to play the bells ♪
♪ Don't judge me,

'cause I can't ♪
♪ Think at all, I just ♪
♪ Like to play the bells. ♪

I want to play

"Eye of the Tiger."

Yeah, come on, "Tiger"!

Yeah, please!

I don't know, I don't know.

That sounds so fun, but we can't, because we don't have time.

Oh, darn!

Here's what I was thinking.

If you skip school and practice, then, boom, you got it.

Mr. Bishop.

Yeah, yeah.

Done.

(kids chattering)

What's the deal with Winston?

He's really intense.

Oh, look, I grew up with Winston.

I know how he is.

He's incredibly talented, but he's a jerk about it.

Yeah, he's one of those guys that he'll never pass the ball if he thinks he can score.

JESS: I just don't know why it needs to be a competition.

That's just the way some guys are, Jess, you know?

They get themselves wrapped up in these insecure, silly games.

Hey, Nick, uh, we're good with that whole plumber thing, right?

Absolutely.

Yeah, okay, cool, 'cause...

'cause I was right about that whole thing.

Oh!

Yeah, I unfixed that.

Well, how you gonna unfix a dead Schmidt?!

I'm not worried about it!

(men shouting)

You're so predictable, Schmidt!

♪ Stop yelling ♪
♪ I don't want to hear you yelling anymore. ♪

(sighs)

What...?

I paid for the freezer, so, you know.

I'm gonna kill you.

(humming "Eye of the Tiger")

That's a, that's a B right there.

Get that in there.

(humming "Eye of the Tiger")

You're fired.

Focus.

Are you focused?

Okay, what's the song about?

Hector?

Hanging tough. Staying hungry.

A man and his will to survive.

Are you brown-nosing me?

Yes, I am.

You're so cool.

Where are your eyes?

KIDS:

On the tiger.

One, two, three, four.

(playing "Eye of the Tiger")

Two, three, four.

(playing discordantly)

No! No, no, no, no!

Are you kidding me?

It is not that hard, people.

It is an instrument that a cat wears around its neck.

Okay, you know what, I think they did a pretty great job, considering the fact that they've only played it, like, eight times.

Well you're wrong, okay You thought wrong, Jess.

You know why? Because I'm out here right now by myself in the cold.

I got no support.

Maybe we're just not good enough.

No, you are good enough.

This is not your problem, this is Mr. Bishop's problem.

♪ Pah ♪ Rest.

♪ Pah-pah-pah ♪

Rest.

♪ Pah-pah-pah ♪

Rest.

♪ Pah-pah-pah... ♪

(laughs)

Rest. ♪ Pah ♪

Can you hear it? It's a very famous song.

Mr. Bishop...

I'll tell you what.

Here. Here.

You're gonna play these, okay?

Play these until you figure it out.

Right? Don't play these.

(laughs)

And what are you laughing at, WNBA?

This is what you look like.

(mumbling nonsensically)

You look like you're fighting off a shark.

Okay, this is what I want.

Mr. Bishop!

Petting a dolphin.

Oh, yeah, there we go.

All right, and you...

You didn't make me want to throw up.

Really?

Now, come on, people!

Out!

What?

Get out. You're out of the group. You're being mean.

Fine. I don't need this.

I warned y'all about these bells.

Told you, told you, told you.

I'm gonna make you guys a pitcher of my famous virgin Sangria.

Isn't that just juice?

(screams)

This has to stop!

It's not my war!

(door opens, closes)

Hey, uh, maybe Jess is right.

Maybe we should talk this thing through.

Absolutely, man.

Yeah?

Yeah.

All right, I'm gonna put a clean shirt on.

Great, man.

What is that, man?

I'm sorry. I put your couch and your freezer in your room, Schmidt.

Yeah, I didn't want to get my poor on them.

I got to get in there, man. I'm a mess.

I have to go to a networking event later.

Scott Caan is speaking!

Ugh, would you listen to yourself?

Did you use my conditioner?

What? No.

No, I can tell, man.

What are you doing?

(sniffing)

Lotusberry Relax. Lotusberry Relax.

I can smell it on you right now!

Fine! Stop smelling my hair!

You know how much that stuff costs?

Okay, Schmidt, I didn't use your conditioner.

Why does your hair look so baby soft?!

Fine, Schmidt!

I ran out of shampoo and I used your conditioner.

We're talking about conditioner, right?

You used it as shampoo?!

It's for moisture, Nick, not for cleaning!

I can't believe we're friends. Give me it back, man.

Give you what back?

Give me it back.

Think about what you're doing right now.

I'm squeezing it out of your hair.

You're squeezing it out of my hair?

Yes, I am.

Stop squeezing it out of my hair!

Okay, yeah.

It's on.

It's on. It's happening.

Oh, it is?

Yeah, it is happening.

Oh, you want ...

Okay, it is.

These are the first moments of what is happening right now.

This is the beginning of what's happening right now!

Want to get your hands dirty?

Yeah, man.

Whoa!

Come on, Schmidt!

You little rich boy sissy!

Come on! Who you gonna hire to fight me, boy?!

Stop running!

Stop running, Schmidt!

You want it so bad, you got it!

Okay!

Enough!

Where is this coming from, man?

Look, you chose to be a bartender.

You chose to drop out of law school.

You're not some down-on-your-luck hardscrabble guy, you're just a loser who...

I didn't mean...

It's fine, man.

Okay.

(sighs)

Whatever, whatever, whatever, man.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

Just, these are the things that come out, man, when you take another man's conditioner.

Winston, we need to talk.

We had a dress rehearsal.

It was horrible.

(kids clamoring, screaming)

Stop it!

Hey!

(bells ringing)

Those are expensive!

Hector! Hector!

(screaming wildly)

I'm sorry, Jess, but I really don't care.

You know what, I love running this group.

It gives me confidence, it gives me muscle definition.

Yes, sometimes it gives me blinding optical migraines where I literally can't see three feet in front of myself.

But I love these kids.

And I'm sorry I kicked you out of group, but one thing you can't do with these kids is make it about you.

Jess, I don't see what the big deal is, okay?

I only practiced with you guys a couple of times.

You're such a tonkel!

Whoa, hold it!

Don't nobody call me a tonkel.

If you tell them they aren't good, that's one more person telling them that.

That's a big deal to me, making sure no one else gives up on them.

Even if they sound like a guy covered in bells falling down a staircase that's also made of bells.

I know you've had a hard month, I know you don't have a job, but, God, they're just kids.

Also, what happened to the refrigerator and the sofa?

Did we get robbed by giants?

You know what sucks about getting older?

Your friends have known you for way too long.

They've got too much on you.

Yep.

I want friends who still lie to me,

'cause they don't want to hurt my feelings.

Mm.

I sadly kind of mean that.

What happened to us, man?

We used to be so cool.

I was going to play basketball and be a gazillionaire.

(chuckles):

Right. And I told myself I was never going to live with Schmidt.

Who do you live with now?

I live with Schmidt, and he's killing me, Winston, he's killing me.

(laughs)

(sighs)

I got fired from a temp job.

(chuckles)

Yeah, I got kicked out of bell group for being too mean to kids.

Yeah, I've been meaning to talk to you about that.

That's a low point. You ain't got to talk to me, I know it.

(laughs)

I know it, man.

But I was just enjoying being good at something.

Yeah.

I mean, what does she want me to do, not care about what the songs sound like?

Winston, this is your thing though.

It's not always about being the best.

It's not always about you, Winston.

This is about kids.

Just pass the ball.

(chuckles)

(sighs)

("Eye of the Tiger"

by Survivor playing)

I'll drive, pal.

Hey.

Want to go to this bells concert?

Let me get my cardigan.

JESS:

I know you guys are nervous.

I know you want to do a really great job and you want to sound really great, but it's not about that.

There's a really big crowd of people who's really excited and wants to hear some bells today.

Just look.

All right, bring it in.

(grunting)

JESS:

Hello, Pershing Park!

We are...

ALL:

Ensembell.

MAN:

What? What'd you say?

I said, um, Ensembell.

She said Ensembell!

It's on the banner, stupid!

MAN: You guys gonna play something?

(chuckles)

But first, I'd like to welcome Winston Bishop to the stage.

WOMAN:

Hey, what's a Winston Bishop?

(grunts)

Hey.

(chuckles)

What's up?

"Eye the Tiger"?

Yo, Hector, you think we can pull this off?

Probably not.

Yeah, I don't think so, either.

So let's do it.

One, two, three, four.

(playing "Eye of the Tiger")

Two, three, four.

You know I don't think you're a loser, right?

I can't hear anything you say when you wear that sweater, Schmidt.

You open your mouth and I just hear: "Cardigan, cardigan.

I am wearing a cardigan."

SCHMIDT:

This is super embarrassing.

NICK:

Yeah, it's terrible.

♪ It's the eye of the tiger, it's the thrill of the fight ♪
♪ Rising, watching us all with the eye... ♪

You don't like the cardy?

No.