01x17 - Fancyman Pt. 1

Buying a phone's a big deal.

I mean think of how long you'll have this thing.

It's like buying a car or a bra.

Eight years, man. Ow.

Hey, uh, sorry, I was just checking your credit score, and I got this number that's crazily low, so I'll try again.

Don't bother. I'm sure it's right.

Seriously?

Are you kidding me?

250?! You get 150

just for being alive.

Hey, Mojan!

Got a 250 credit score!

Well, I guess the $40 I saved on that Gap card didn't pay off.

Do you have, like, a box of charity phones you're sending to Africa?

Can he just have one of those?

Claire, Brendan, this guy's got a 250 credit score.

We're bringing everybody out?

Look at this.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been doing this a long time.

I've just never seen a score this low.

Did you just wake up from a coma?

♪ Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ Who's that girl?
♪ Who's that girl? ♪
Who's that girl? ♪ ♪ It's Jess. ♪

But you've always wanted a thing.

This could be your thing, like, the guy with no phone.

Well, who is that guy?

I don't want to be that guy.

No, no, no, it's like mysterious.

It's like,

"I want to call Nick Miller."

"You can't;

He doesn't have a phone."

"What?!"

You can go all Ghost Protocol on everyone.

See, that's cool.

I mean, I always wanted to be a mole person.

Schmidt, you're the Michael Jordan of bar trivia.

We were in the Greek mythology zone.

I mean, you knew every question.

Perseus, Icarus, Medusa...

Medeuce, deuce!

Guys, you're shouting.

I mean, you knew every answer.

Like, what was the tiebreaker you got?

Calvin Coolidge's birthplace?

Little Plymouth Notch, son.

Wow, I'm done with this. Hey, Shelby...

I mean, seriously, how did you know that?

How do you forget that?

You don't.

Jar!

I'm gonna jar myself on that one.

He's like a trivia god.

Girl, get up.

Winston, don't worry about it, man.

It's your public school education.

You'll catch up.

Jar again.

Excuse me?

Oh, hi.

Yeah, hi, hi, I'm Russell Schiller, Sarah's dad.

Oh, yes.

We spoke on the phone.

I'm Jessica Day.

Did you just curtsy?

I did, yes; I did.

Is this a bad time?

Nope, no, no, no, I was just cleaning up from the sexual health class.

I had to take condoms off 30 cucumbers, and condoms are harder to take off than I thought.

I know how to put them on, but I didn't know how to take them off.

I guess someone else has always done it for me.

Yeah, I'm sorry. I just got off a flight from London.

Maybe I'm a little out of it.

Oh, London.

Did you have a busy sch...

Se-dule?

Did you have fun?

No, I was advising a merger.

Oh, fair enough.

Um, you wanted to talk to me about Sarah's art.

So, this is one of the pieces she did.

Um...

That one's called, um,

"At the Mall with Grandma."

She made that in dream-cess, which is where, um, I let the kids have time to create something.

Sarah's gonna be opting out of dream-cess from now on.

She'll use that same time to review her other schoolwork with a tutor.

Oh, did you talk to Sarah about this?

Well, I don't need to.

I want her to know fractions before she goes to high school.

Well, I follow the curriculum.

My daughter is wearing doll's heads around her neck, so whatever you're doing, keep it up.

Okay, I talk to your daughter every single day.

Do you? Because hiring a tutor is not the same thing as spending time with her.

I'm her father, not her friend.

I know what she needs.

Give my best to Mrs. Monogamy.

Cheerio.

He's the third largest donor in the city.

We take his money and then what, we have to answer to him?

So, you're asking me to give up my integrity?

That's what I'm telling you to do.

Yes, we need his money.

So, he pulls his donation.

You know what? I'll raise the money myself.

I'll get a ragtag group of kids together.

A lost soul, an orphan, a Jewish kid with a keyboard, a little slut who can dance, and one fatso, and I'll choreograph some dances, make a show.

You did that already, Jess.

It's called the spring musical, and it literally brought in $60.

Please don't make me apologize.

You're gonna go to his office.

You're gonna say that you were wrong.

Say you're never gonna let the kids do anything creative ever again.

From now on, your classroom is full-on North Korea:

Math! Math! Math!

Make sure he doesn't pull the donation.

When he was yelling at you, did do that little thing with his mouth?

You know, that little smile thing?

You know, like, like where he goes, "Mmm"?

That's really weird, Tanya.

Apologize.

Why did you make me look stupid in front of Shelby last nigh? - Wait, what?

Which of the five great lakes is located entirely in the United States?

Lake Erie?

Yeah, if Lake Michigan didn't exist and we won a fictional U.S.-Canada war.

Lake Michigan.

Correct!

Oh, you want me to take a dive next time?

Take a dive?

You know, like pretend like you know more than me when Shelby's around, so it seems like you're smarter.

I know you'd do the same thing for me if I were the dumber one.

Wow, okay, so let me get this straight:

You think because you know a few facts about Princess Kate, that makes you smarter than me?

First of all, Kate is a duchess and whip-smart by all accounts.

And second of all, don't be so prideful.

Look, man, there's nothing wrong with being the second smartest in the loft.

You know what, let me take that back.

Jess is a teacher of children.

You memorize facts.

I can memorize facts.

That doesn't make you smart.

Okay, well, maybe, but I'm definitely smarter than you.

Whew! Glutes are done, my man.

I'm gonna go to the stairwell, work on my calves. Come with?

Hell, no.

You sure?

I have to grovel.

I hate groveling.

I would have lasted two seconds in the court of the Sun King.

I think about that all the time.

You do?

Do you know how much I grovel on a daily basis?

It is literally obscene.

Come the weekend, I'm the one who's filling up my cart with Fila, Nautica, Impulse Fila, Hilfiger, CK, BR Leather cuff, and more Fila.

This is the problem, Jess.

It's rich people.

We are right where they want us, Jess:

Just suckling on the teat of consumerism.

Yeah. - That's the exact reason I got rid of my phone.

You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.

How I got here doesn't matter.

You weigh more than your credit score.

I'm here now, and I'm loving it.

Yeah.

I'm the guy with no phone.

I mean, right now, I'm writing a letter to my friend, Kev, seeing if he wants to party with me this Friday.

"What up, Kev?

"You in?

Nick Miller."

Yeah, Nick, he might pull the funding from the school, so I'm just a little bit...

Blame your period.

I've actually done this before.

I mean, both parties knew that I was lying, obviously, but it didn't matter because they knew that I had utterly humiliated myself, and at the end of the day, they respected that.

I'm sorry; I just feel like someone should suggest a simple apology.

I know that's not where we're headed here, but I'm just gonna go on record and say, I think you should apologize like a human.

No!

No! I'm going with Nick

'cause I don't think I have to apologize.

Yeah, Jess, so march into his office, and say, "Hey, Mr. Fancyman, you can't tell me what to do.

"Your money doesn't own me."

And then throw away your phone.

Yeah, I'm gonna throw my phone into the fiery chasm where he keeps his poor people.

Actually, scratch that.

My mom's got your number in case of emergency.

I want her to think that I can bring something to the table.

I care about this girl, Elvin.

I want her to be my girlfriend.

She sees me, all she sees is a part-time nanny, and that's...

You are a part-time nanny.

I want her to think I'm smart.

What about fake glasses?

It worked for me.

Okay, okay, I'm on my way to his office, and I have a speech I wrote for Fancyman, and I want to practice it.

Why are you listening to Nick?

It is a horrible idea.

Ghost Protocol, man.

You're using my phone.

It's not Ghost Protocol.

It's you using my phone.

This is a group call; I'm just talking in my living room, and it happens to go into that box.

Okay, I'm gonna start with a quote against social Darwinism, then a discussion of the Gilded Age, the robber barons, the Great Society, how we ended up with a huge wealth disparity in this country, and then, I end with a bluegrass version of Public Enemy's

"Fight the Power."

Bad finish.

What is that?

Are you driving a lawn mower?

No, I just...

It's my car.

Look, this is a great opportunity.

You need to ask yourself, where are you even going?

Buy a new car.

You don't need a car.

Oh, my car's stalled out.

Can you guys come and help me push it?

Yeah, we'll be down in a few minutes.

Hey, can I help you?

What? Oh, hi.

Um, Uh, Mr. Schiller, um, how'd you know I was here?

I was driving by and I saw you.

My office is right here.

Oh, oh, what a coincidence.

I had no idea.

Weird.

What's wrong with the car?

Guy sounds like matinee idol.

Shut up, Schmidt.

I'm just pushing it to the nearest gas station.

It's like, a mile away, so I'm fine.

I know a guy;

He'll be here in ten.

Oh, no, Mr. Schiller.

Russell.

Mr. Schiller, I can take care of myself.

It's how I was raised;

I wasn't raised with money, so when something broke, we pretended it still worked.

Some of my best memories are pushing this car around on family vacations.

Okay.

Oh, yeah, tow truck's on the way.

Look, that's very nice and generous of you, but I really... I-I mean, I need my car, and...

Here, let me help you.

Take mine.

What?

Take mine.

Here.

No.

Come on. Take mine.

Uh, I don't know how to drive cars that work.

You can drop it off tomorrow night.

I'm having a party, a cookout.

Come on over any time. Come on.

Thank you so much.

This is amazing.

I will return it washed and polished.

Do you think it's a superhero?

No.

I think it's Jess and some weird guy.

Miss Day?

Jess ... you can call me Jess.

Great, I'll see you tomorrow, Jess.

Go is the one on the right.

The one on the left is stop.

Thanks.

What kind of car is it?

We are the 99%.

Is it an SL?

We the 99%.

Does it have a push ignition?

Does it have a push ignition?

Please tell me it's not a hybrid.

And then he gives me his car, just hands me the keys.

It's like so...

Rich people! They're always giving you their cars.

It's like, let them eat cars.

You know what he's doing?

He's taking back the power, so I have to go to his cookout, and instead of standing up to him, I have to grovel.

Just a thought:

What if he likes you? No, I hate him.

This guy is single and he's sweet.

Sweet? No.

He's not sweet.

I would never go for that guy.

Why?

Because he's the type of guy who has a linen closet and a towel warmer.

You know me.

I'm only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.

I like an underdog.

Spencer didn't even own sheets.

Yeah. He slept on a pile of washcloths.

Can I say something to you now that you're not gonna like?

Yeah. - Maybe Russell intimidates you.

Because you wouldn't have to take care of him, because he would take care of you, and that just terrifies you.

Uh, no.

Spencer... wore... jellies.

How many pounds in a metric ton?

2,204.6. Next.

In 1948, Albert became the first...

American...American monkey in space.

Let's go.

This ancient...

Mesopotamia. Hit me.

You don't actually know what a Mesopotamia is.

Of course I know what Mesopotamia is. Don't be crazy.

Use it in a sentence.

Look, there's Mesopotamia.

So I'm going to have to draw on your hatred of rich people for this, okay?

Hate me up.

Well, for starters, look at this place.

I know. Ugh.

I'm betting at one point there was a moat.

Rich boy punk.

This hallway's excessive. It's braggy.

Well, I guess everyone's out back.

Ugh, look at this place, Jess. Are you kidding me?

It's so over-the-top.

A kitchen island? Be a man!

Let your counter attach to itself.

I know.

It's like, I can't chop vegetables over here.

I need to do it over here. Love me, love me.

I mean, we're making an egg, not going to outer space, guys, right?

Right. Nice burn.

Whoa.

Makes me want to sit by the fire, and talk about how annoying Gandhi is.

Whoa, something's happening to me, Jess.

I want to sit at that desk and veto a law.

What are you doing, Nick?

That's someone else's stuff.

Jess, when I put my hand on this desk, I feel sexually proficient for the first time in my life.

Nick, this man stands for everything you hate.

I'm President Miller! You're all fired!

Bring our boys home.

Okay, this is how evil geniuses are born.

You smell that? It smells like leather and Teddy Roosevelt and wistfulness.

I want to wear this cap.

You're not helping me!

Nick, I know this room is beautiful, gentlemanly, and... smells like Christmas, but you have to stay strong.

I'm gonna go find Russell.

Keep... playing with that duck.

I want to kill you.

Because I respect you.

I think I understand hunting!

Hello, Russell.

Hey, Jess. Thanks for coming.

Oh, the mechanic called. Your car's done.

He also wanted me to communicate to you that you need to change your oil.

I want to, first of all, say thank you, Russell.

Um, and second of all, I want to say, um, I know you donate a lot of money to this school, but...

You think I'm a snob.

No. No.

No, I have nothing against people who...

live in enormous mansions.

Jess, I'm 42.

I've made a lot of money, and I enjoy spending it.

Oh, you've got to try one of these. - Oh.

Deconstructed spring roll.

It's delicious.

Oh.

Try it.

Oh.

Oh, my God!

This is so amazing I want to punch you!

Russell! Russell.

Come tell Carolyn about that time you delivered that baby.

Oh. Yeah.

You delivered a baby? Just... it was twins, actually.

Twins?

Are you wearing my sweater?

No. Yes. It was on the back of the chair.

So I thought the sweater belonged to the chair.

I thought it was a chair sweater.

Those exist.

I'm Nick.

Oh, you know Jess.

Yes.

I'm Jess' roommate. I'm the guy with no phone, if she's told you. That's my thing.

No phones.

Why don't you have a phone?

Because I don't want to be tied to some corporate system.

That, and no one would give me one.

I have incredibly low credit ratings.

Yeah.

When I was your age, I had a really skinny ponytail, and I think I was living off of selling my own blood.

That's funny. Then what happened?

One day you just woke up and you had all this?

Well, I realized I wanted to grow up.

That's what happened.


Um... I got this as a gift from the company for Christmas, so...

Oh, wow, that's great.

My boss gave me three credit cards he found at the bar, and said, "You didn't get these from me."

It's a bartender joke. I'm a bartender. We...

We don't steal credit cards. Cool, cool.

Here. Take it. No, no, I can't take your phone, man.

I can't... it's just... it feels really good in my hand.

Is it possible to be sexually attracted to an object?

Yes, it is. It really is.

You can keep the sweater.

Thanks, I... I don't know why I put it on, to be honest with you.

I just came in here, and it smelled like Shakespeare, if Shakespeare were a damn cowboy.

And hawk's nests, and boat fuel, and cigars and burping... man stuff!

Yeah, yeah, enjoy it.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I appreciate you.

Yeah, yeah. Sure.

Hey, Russell, why are you being so nice to me?

Well, you're Jess's friend, right?

Now, you fold that sweater.

Don't hang it.

You listening to me? Fold it.

Ah, I don't care. Do whatever you want.

That was really funny, man!

Why did I...?

Bidet!

Bidet if I do.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my gosh. Shut up.

Jess, is that you?

Oh, God! Oh, God.

What's wrong?

Sorry, Jess. I'm coming in.

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Oh, my God! I just...

Wait, wait, wait.

Ow! - No, I just pressed some buttons with cartoon characters on them.

Yeah, it's Japanese.

Of course it's a Japanese bidet.

Of course you have a Japanese bidet.

Look, Russell, I want to tell you that I am not sorry about what I said because Sara is 12, and she is creative, and I don't care if you pull your donation, I am not gonna grovel...

Why did you think I was going to pull the donation? I would never do that.

Okay.

Oh, jeez.

It is some really deep cleaning here.

Oh, God.

No, Jess, Jess!

Wait!

Oh!

Jess, you put it up to six happy faces.

I've never gone past three.

Jess, why are we leaving?

And why are you all wet?

Okay, did you take a bath in his tub because you wanted to see what it'd feel like to be him?

'Cause, weirdly, I get that.

No. I want to leave because we don't fit in here, Nick.

I know that I've been saying you can't give into this guy, but I don't think that you should run from him, either.

'Cause no matter where you go, he could find you.

I believe that.

No, running's good. I'm gonna run.

Hey, Jess, stop.

Look, this may complicate things, but I'm in love with him.

Shut up! No, I won't shut up.

He smells like strong coffee and going to see a man about a horse.

You're ridiculous, Nick. Let's go.

I am ridiculous, okay, but no.

Be a grown-up.

He likes you, Jess.

Go back in there.

I think it'd be good for you.

And I'm not just saying that because I'm in love with him.

Just do it.

Don't be intimidated just because you're just younger, poorer and wetter than everybody in there.

Goldfinger! I mean, no, no.

I meant to say Golden-Golden Hind!

Golden Hind is what I meant to say.

No...

Winston, you are all over the place.

The Green Bay Packers did not invent the T formation, nor was Crispin Glover the first man to die in the Revolutionary War.

Shh.

This is supposed to be fun.

Look, Babe, it is fun.

I just don't want to look stupid in front of everybody.

All right?

You're not stupid.

Well, I mean, he did skip Earth when listing the planets.

What has gotten into you today?

I just... I just didn't want you to think I was an idiot.

You tried to memorize all the trivia answers? Winston!

I don't want some smart, rich guy who owns his own car.

I want to be with you.

I don't care if you don't know Ernest Hemingway's birthplace.

Oak Park, Illinois.

So, what are you saying?

Are we doing this? Is this real?

Like, are you my girlfriend?

Because if that's what you're saying, then that would make me very happy.

Mm, me, too.

Shelby, be careful with his mustache, please.

Mmm.

It's very delicate.

I can't watch this anymore.

Winston, I hope you're better in bed because your street work is embarrassing.

Am I talking too much? I don't want to ruin the moment.

You know what? If this was my grandmother's building, she'd be outside on the patio, and she'd be yelling down at you, and she'd be saying,

"You look beautiful.

"The two of you are a beautiful couple.

I'm glad you found one another."

But she wouldn't invite you up because she's a horrible racist.

You want me to put on some Jodeci?

There you are. I was looking for you.

Okay...

Listen.

Uh-huh.

I'm not used to people who have it all together.

I think... you scare me.

Oh, no, no, I don't...

I don't have it all together.

I don't even know how to talk to my own kid.

I can't even remember the last time she hugged me and used both arms.

She said she wanted to go bra shopping, and so I bought her a ski vest.

Look, every eye roll means you're doing something right.

Really?

No, that's just what I tell parents to make them feel better.

Jess, will you have dinner with me?

Yes.

Great. Good.

Sh-Should I, um, text you, or...?

No. I'll call.

Great.

Okay, cool.

All right, cool.

Oh, no... Hey, Jess.

Jess, why are you in the koi pond?!

Jess, are you okay?

Oh, God, oh, God.

Okay, come here.

Oh, God!

Koi in my dress!

Let me help you.

Koi in my dress!

Are you all right?

Oh, you got a fish in your dress.

I didn't ask you! I'm talking to you!

You want to come in here and charge me a billion dollars?

That's nothing to me!

Want it? Want it?

You're off the streets.

I don't want to, either.

You're the best cop I got!

As President Miller of Earth, I'd like to speak to the Galactic Emperor, please.

Yeah, it's about money.

I'm gonna push a piece of paper across the desk that I've written a little number on.

Why don't I just tell you? It's five kabillion dollars.

So, what do you say?

Is China mine, Mr. Ying?