02x01 - Relaunch

Oh, late, late, late, late, late.

♪ I couldn't dance with another ♪
♪ No, I ♪
♪ Couldn't ask for another ♪
♪ Groove is in the heart, yeah. ♪

Cold, cold, cold shower!

Hey, hey, hey.

You can't turn the sink on when someone's in the shower.

This is not some fancy hotel.

Okay, I'm sorry, I overslept.

I'm running late for a meeting with the vice principal.

Please get out of here so I can save a little bit of my dignity.

One, two, three, four.

♪ Groove is in the heart. ♪

I'm not gonna do it, Schmidt, so you can just stop asking me.

Well, I'm gonna keep asking, so just do it.

Look, I'm not doing it until you tell me why you've had time to shave your chest but not your face.

Ugh, Jess, would you please scratch an itch I have on my undercarriage?

I can't get the right angle and Winston refuses.

No, I don't have time, Schmidt.

Jess, please, I-I ... this is awful.

I feel like I dropped something in there.

You hear that? Loose change.

I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.

Excuse me, do you think this has been easy for me ...

to wash myself all summer long with a pen1s cast on?

Thank God this thing comes off this afternoon.

And by the way, I know what you've been thinking, and the answer is yes, I have been able to reach completion with some very precise and vigorous nipple play.

Nipple play ... off-limits.

Wait, Jess, please, I-I'm begging you.

Okay, fine.

Just get it, just get it in there in the back.

Stop moving like that.

There you go.

Oh, thank God.

What am I watching here?

What do you mean?

This is friendship, Pure unadulterated friendship.

Oh, yeah.

♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ What you doing? ♪
♪ Hey, girl ♪
♪ Where you going? ♪
♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪Who's that girl?♪

♪ Who's that girl? ♪

♪Who's that girl?♪

♪ It's Jess. ♪

Hi, Tanya, um, sorry I'm late.

Take a seat.

Okay.

Is everything all right?

I'll give you the bad news first.

Okay.

The bad news is, is that cutbacks are forcing me to lay off ten percent of our nontenured teachers.

That's terrible.

But the bad news is, is that it seems you are one of them.

That's not how you deliver news.

What are you doing?

Trying to make this more fun.

No.

You're right.

Tanya, I'm a really good teacher.

I care about my kids.

I spent two months in summer school with an Indian student named Vaj Rejuv and I did not laugh once, not once.

I'm sorry, Jess, but on the plus side...

you can have anything you want out of the lost-and-found box.

Okay.

Good choice.

Thank you for the opportunity.

Um, it's been an honor working here.

The dictionary defines "teacher" as...

Okay, you can take another one.

No, you can't share a bowl of cereal.

Why not?

The cast is off, gentlemen.

Great. Congratulations, man.

Good news, man.

Oh! - Oh! Yeah, take it in.

Goodness, the smell, man.

We have done nothing but love you, Schmidt.

Soak it all in, in all its foul glory.

That is not just some disgusting, salty bundle of gauze.

That is a symbol of who I was for the past two months:

The broken-penis guy.

But if there's anything that majoring in marketing with a minor in theater studies has taught me, it's that everybody has a brand.

Nick, your brand is gypsy alcoholic handyman.

Winston, your brand is Winston.

Nicholas, Winstoniel, I'm staging an event to relaunch the Schmidt brand.

It's going to happen this Saturday night, and it is going to be epic.

You're having a party to tell girls you're ready to have s*x again?

Not a party;

A rebranding event.

Please tell me there's not a theme.

There most certainly is a theme ... it is a secret that will be announced on the night.

I bet it's danger.

No, you're... you're wrong. It's not danger.

It'll be announced on the night.

I really think It's going to be danger.

I'm going to go with danger.

Come on, man, it's not danger. Stop guessing danger.

Who'd you invite?

The ladies from Lululemon, my urologist, my badminton partner, my financial planner, Philip Seymour Hoffman and a guy who once wrote for a little show called Crank Yankers.

And obviously Cece.

She hasn't spoken to you all summer ...

since you broke up with her.

Yeah, I'm over it.

It's not about her. I hope she comes.

Now, let's talk venue.

Jess, oh, my God.

Are you okay?

How long have you been sitting here?

I panicked, and I grabbed the hat.

I should have grabbed the yo-yo or the slap bracelet, and now all I have is this stupid hat.

I'm sorry.

No, you're right.

I'm overthinking it. The hat's fine.

You take me home?

Yeah, of course.

I-I can't go upstairs, though,

'cause of the whole Schmidt thing.

It's going to be okay, all right?

I mean, this is the moment before something amazing is going to happen for you. I promise.

Put these on.

Is this making you feel better?

I've decided to host my relaunch event at Nick's bar.

No.

And you, my friend, are bartending.

Don't make me work for you. You can have everything else.

Come on, man. You're perfect.

You bring the heat, but you're not a threat in the looks department.

I get that, actually.

And only you Can make those fruity drinks that used to make the girls lose their minds in college.

Fine, I'll do it, but I'm not making those drinks.

Oh, come on, Nick. You have a gift.

Why you always trying to hide your light under a bushel?

Because, sure, I could get a girl topless, no bra, with one hollowed-out papaya, some crushed ice and two fingers of rum, but then I grew up.

Now I only want to make a drink that a coal miner would want.

Straightforward, honest.

Something that says,

"I work in a hole."

And I'm especially not making those drinks for you.

What? Why?

'Cause you can't handle it.

You drink them way too fast, and then you get weird.

Oh, come on. That was, like, years ago, dude.

I'm a changed man. I mean, look at me.

I'm wearing a suit.

A suit? Please.

That's something they put on Morgan Freeman when they let him out of Shawshank. Look at that.

What, did a magician die in that thing?

Hi.

I got laid off.

What? Are you serious?

Oh, my God.

What happened?

Obama.

It's possible I'm still in shock.

I'm going to go to my room and process what just happened.

Thank you for your attention.

Ah, this is not good. Now she's going to cry.

I hate it when she cries.

Her face gets all red and puffy.

Makes me sick.

Okay, we got to Fix this right now, guys.

Let's go. We got to do something.

Okay. Here's how this is going to go.

Hi.

You will not pity me.

No pity eyes. Schmidt, stop looking at me like I'm a fat kid riding a bike.

It's just a job. I'll get a new one.

You're going to get so many jobs, Jess. I promise.

So I just want you to go about your day and act normal.

Okay?

What's wrong with your eyes, Nick?

Stop blinking. Why are you doing that?

I just think they fired the wrong girl, kid.

Oh, for sure.

Stop. Nick!

What's up?

What's wrong with you?

You wiggin'?

Act normal, okay?

If that's what you want.

That is what I want.

That's what you'll get.

Where you going, Schmidt?

Sorry. This way.

Bye.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

How you doing, kid?

Great.

My boobs are loving this unemployed thing.

They don't have to go to boob jail every day.

Job hunt is on.

This hospital Web site says I can earn up to $700, and all I have to do is be infected with dengue fever.

Are you sure you're okay?

For the thousandth time, yes.

I know you've been waiting all week for me to break down, but I'm fine.

Just be normal.

I'm being normal.

You're crossing your legs.

I always do this.

You've never crossed your legs in your entire life.

I didn't even know you were that flexible.

Well...

And stop being nice to me.

What, I'm not normally nice to you, Jess?

No. You're mean, like a crazy old man.

"I'm Nick. I hate sunshine.

"When did gum get so fancy?

This escalator goes too fast."

Be mean.

Look sharp, you dumb-ass.

Sorry. That... that was in my head a little.

Look sharp, you dumb-ass.

No. Tighten up!

That's terrible.

I don't have it today. I don't know what it is.

Can you believe that the zoo wouldn't let me borrow their white tiger?

I mean, the nerve.

I'm going to be sitting in the back of the party, and Philip Seymour Hoffman's going to be like,

"Look at that idiot who couldn't even get a big cat."

Schmidt, you need a tiger.

I need a job.

Hire me.

No.

Here...

No, I'm not going to...

Schmidt!

What are you...?

Hire me. I am a people person.

I'm great at parties.

I can make any kind of balloon animal, as long as it's a worm or a snake...

No, Jess.

Come on.

Help a brother out.

Jess, you just got laid off, okay?

I can't have an emotionally vulnerable person on my crew.

Tonight is about one man's functioning pen1s.

I wouldn't say functioning.

I saw what you did to the toilet seat.

And I'm not unstable. I just need a job.

Okay, fine. You know what, Jess? Fine.

You can be my other shot girl.

Yes!

A shot girl? No, you can't be a shot girl.

Why not?

Because you don't have that specific hotness that shames men into spending nine dollars on a two-dollar shot.

She doesn't have it.

Are you saying I'm not hot?

No, no, no, I'm not... No, no, you're hot, you're hot.

Nick!

I'm saying you're the nurse That I want to wake up to after having my stomach pumped.

You know what I mean?

Its a different kind of hot ... still hot.

I'm going to be a great shot girl, Nick.

I pour liquids into cups every single day.

Add on top of that two years of light tap and jazz.

Please, I feel... I feel you overthinking this already.

I'm going to be the best shot girl in the world.

Cheers!

Cheers.


Getting my costume.

Hiya, big boy.

What's your poison?

Oh...

What?

Yeah, interesting choices.

It's a great hat. Can I have it?

Let's get rid of that.

I've decided that tonight my name is Ivy, and I'm studying to be an actress, and I'll sleep with you if you give me a part in a Paramount picture.

Do you have another Outfit in your car, or are you going to stick with this one?

Hey, young man, why weren't you drafted?

You like someone?

Good stuff.

Schmidt! Just the guy I was looking for.

So the theme of the party is...

Is danger.

That's right, but it's on a level that you couldn't possibly understand, Nick.

Okay.

Just, where... where is the other shot girl?

I don't know, boss.

Here I am.

Casey. Thank you for joining us. Great.

Here's where it's at.

I don't work with amateurs.

I don't split tips.

Things get a little freaky in here, I'm out the door because I'm a little diabetic and I don't need a hassle.

And also, I do accept payment in the form of whippets because I've got a PhD;

a Pretty Heavy Drug Problem.

Oh.

How old are you?

Twenty-six.

Thank you for your honesty.

Yeah! Who's up?

Okay, you jerk, come here. Stupid jerk.

Who wants a shot of firewater?

Anybody want me to wet their whistle?

Hey, Schmidt.

It's working, Nick. Look at all these beautiful ladies.

And this is just the beginning, man.

I can take this to the next level whenever I want.

You know why? 'Cause I got something up my sleeve.

Schmidt, please, nothing up your sleeve.

It never works!

Remain in your seat and finish the exam, Mr. Schmidt.

You know, in Student Health Services, they still call that

"Schmidting the bed."

Why are you proud of that?

What the hell is this?

Come on, Schmidt, you know I don't make girly drinks any more.

I didn't buy that stuff.

You didn't buy this? Then who did?

What's my name?

Casey!

You're all a bunch of jerks.

Yes! My pen1s is working!

Casey!

Hey. - Hey. Hey-hey!

Cece.

I had to check out the new and improved Schmidt.

Been hearing so much about it, so...

I'm really glad that you came.

Look, I wanted to tell you...

I want you to meet Robby, my, uh, my boyfriend.

Your what?

There he is.

The one shaped like a Liberty Bell?

It's a great party. Thank you for inviting us.

Flip it, man, flip it!

I'm flipping it!

Did you guys see Cece's new boyfriend, the commoner?

Oh, wow, Schmidty, you really lowered Cece's bar.

There's got to be an explanation for this, like he's the Lord of Winterfell or he's working with a real piece of pipe.

Schmidt? Schmidt, don't get hung up on that guy.

And here comes the weirdness.

Not weird, just a guy who really wants a drink.

Mm-mmm! Mmm...

Mmm!

It's like an explosion of fruit!

There it is.

Look at me being so naughty!

So naughty.

Hey.

I'm Schmidt.

I, too, was a sexual partner of Cece.

Welcome to the party.

Thank you for having me.

Let me just tell you this is a very impressive party.

There's speakers everywhere. There's one over there.

I saw two on the back wall.

Oh, there's one right there. Didn't see that one before.

Yeah, there's a lot of speakers. Lot of...

Lots of speakers. Yeah.

So, so what's your deal?

I mean, do you vacation in Europe ever?

No. You know, I've never left California in my life.

You in a band?

I don't, I don't like music. What's up with me, you know?

You work for Goldman then?

For who?

This feels good. I'm gonna go.

Congratulations on your pen1s, man.

What's your name?

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, my God. Oh!

Could I get a broom?!

Look at my butt.

Look at my butt, stupid jerks.

Hey, Jess.

Nick, I'm fine.

I don't need you to be nice to me right now.

Okay. You want me to be mean?

Yes.

I'll give you mean, Jess.

This is the easiest job in the whole world!

The only thing easier than this is passing out cigarettes to prisoners.

And what if I wanted to take a body shot off you?

Oh, yeah! I can't because you're wearing a turn-of-the-century bathing costume.

How's this? Are you getting mad or are you happy with this?

It's good. That's really good.

So stop feeling sorry for yourself, kid, and get up on that bar and shake that piece of plywood that you call an ass!

That's too far!

Yeah, yeah, I agree. You got a great ass.

That is too far!

That is too far.

This is so fun!

♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪

No hat. No hat!

♪ Just shake your hips and put that ass to work ♪
♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪
♪ Just shake your hips and put that ass to work ♪
♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪

Yeah!

♪ Just shake your hips and put that ass to work ♪
♪ Sexy girl all around the world ♪
♪ Just shake your hips and put that ass to work ♪

You know, this Robby guy's got nothing on me.

Right.

I think I can get Cece back.

Seriously, just let it go.

I just need to remind her how amazing I am.

Luckily, I've got something up my sleeve.

Schmidt, no, no! Schmidt, don't!

Schmidt, no sleeves, please!

Shot girl, shot girl!

Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl, shot girl!

Shot girl, shot girl, shot girl, shot girl!

Shot girl! Shot girl!

Shot girl!

I'm a shot girl.

Oh.

I'm a shot girl.

Hey, J-Jess, Jess.

Jess, where are you going?

What am I doing, Nick? I'm a teacher.

I'm not a shot girl.

Fire...

the most dangerous element of all of the elements.

Now I'm doing this.

Okay, let's see here.

And then now I'm doing this.

Sure. And now I'm not sure what I'm doing.

I'm not actually quite sure how to stop this.

Um, this is definitely real fire.

I'm very apologetic. I think everyone should leave.

Um, thank you very much for coming.

There's party favors at the door.

I'd like to thank my urologist for coming.

Oh, wait. No, no, no, everybody, look.

I'm okay. I got it under control.

Cece, watch this one.

Hey, look, Cece. Fire!

Where's Robby?

Pulling the car around.

You really scared him.

Why haven't you called me back in two months, Cece?

You are the one who broke up with me.

I don't see you until you show up here tonight with... with a boyfriend?

And please, please tell me he's on some sort of medication that's making him temporarily bloated.

Come on, okay?

You and I both know we never would have worked.

We are far too alike.

Both so beautiful.

You're gonna be fine. You know that, right?

Hey, uh, Cece, I...

I got to know, why him?

I mean, what, what is his brand?

He's just a good guy.

And I'm...

too dangerous?

Yeah, that's it.

I'll see you around, Schmidt.

Yeah.

Fun fact:

There's a reason why guys nickname me "T-Ball."

When they step up to the plate, they never strike out.

Honey, what happened to you in your life that made you like this?

I graduated from MIT, and then I got into a horrible accident where I lost half my brain.

There it is.

I came back to say good-bye.

I figured that.

I was kidding myself.

I love teaching.

It's who I am.

What if I can't do anything else?

Jess, come on. I can't do anything, and look at me.

I'm kind of fine, you know?

It's just that being a teacher was all I ever, ever wanted to do.

It just, it just sucks, you know?

Yeah, life sucks!

And then it gets better, and then it sucks again.

Yeah.

And then, and then it just...

Sucks.

...sucks.

Nick.

What?

Will you be mean to me one more time?

Look sharp, you dumb-ass!

You look sharp!

You're a terrible shot girl!

You got hoof hands and a plywood ass, kid!

You call that a shot girl outfit, you dumb-ass?

I got mixed up ... I thought it was a cigarette girl.

That is what happened.

You look like a cigarette girl.

♪ The chills that you spill out my back keep me fill ♪
♪ With satisfaction when we're done ♪
♪ Satisfaction of what's to come ♪
♪ I wouldn't dance for another ♪
♪ I wouldn't dance for another! ♪
♪ Groove is in the house. ♪

Danger!