02x04 - Neighbors

[bunniefuu]

Hey, Mr. Belvedere, there's two guys outside with a giant box, and it's got "happy birthday" written all over it.

There it is.

Hey, guys.

Pay up, gentlemen. She's sitting on the couch.

Yeah, right, you won.

Let me get a four.

Mm-hmm.

TGIF marathon tonight.

What?

I can't take this any more.

What is happening?

I've actually been working on something.

A résumé, maybe?

Did I do that?

I'm sorry. Did you just say you were working on that?

It's Urkel!

Urkel?

Urkel.

Urkel, Jess?

It's funny.

Okay, look, It is perfectly fine to watch TV all day.

No, it is not.

No, it's not.

But Urkel?!

Come on.

Not even in my darkest moments did I do Urkel.

Guys, that's crazy. This is objectively hilarious.

I can do any character from an '80s sitcom. Quiz me. - No.

Oh, Alf, don't eat the cat!

Get out of the city, Cousin Larry Appleton.

I'm Frasier Crane.

No!

Jess, the men in suits here, the professionals, would like to know what the plan is.

I'm a professional, too, pal.

You're not. Please, you work in a bar.

It's a whole different thing. I respect you. Just, please.

I don't know what the plan is, Schmidt, but I love working at the Casserole Shanty.

Today I got a locker, and in 18 months, I'm gonna roll into some sweet dental coverage.

So, yeah, my job pretty much rules.

Low on bean! Low on bean!

I'm low on bean!

I'm good on bean!

Would you like to know what I did at my job all day today?

Don't say "crushed it."

I'm gonna go with "crushed it."

Funny enough, uh, I crushed it.

I crushed it all day today, and then I crushed it some more.

And then it asked me what I was doing, and I told it that I was crushing it.

That's what I do on a daily basis, Jess.

You used to inspire me.

I mean, not specifically...

because I find teaching to be icky... but, you know, in a vague kind of

"Look at that go-getter in a...

in a brightly colored sweater"

kind of way.

What happened to the inspiring, visor-less Jess?

Hey, maybe that's her.

Hey, we just moved in across the hall.

I'm Chaz.

This is Fife, Sutton and Brorie.

What's up? Schmidt.

Any-turds, just wanted to give you a heads up that we're having some people over to hang tonight and it might get a little loud.

I like where your head is at.

We're gonna be there with bells on.

Dolla-dolla bells, y'all.

Well, it's just going to be a bunch of young people.

So...

Hi. I live here, too.

What are you names? Schmidt!

* Who's that girl? * - *Who's that girl?*

* It's Jess. *

So, when he said,

"It's just going to be a bunch of young people,"

well, he must have meant, "You,"

meaning me, fellow young person,

"You'll feel right at home.

And you two walking corpses, stay away."

You're six months younger than me, Schmidt.

You're a corpse for sure.

Behold.

This actuarial table stops at age 99.

But if you track my current trajectory, I'm clearly gonna live till I'm 123 years old, so...

Hello, robot sex.

Is this accurate?

No, no, no, Winston, I spend $49.95 a month on a subscription to an inaccurate real-time actuarial service.

Then I think I may have d*ed four years ago.

Oh, yeah? That sucks.

"African-American male, life expectancy: 67 years"?

Sounds about right.

"Minus one year if you frequently question your career choice."

Check.

"Minus one year if your chosen field offers few opportunities for advancement."

Check and double check.

I like getting older.

I feel like I'm finally aging into my personality.

Keep this crap out of my yard!

And turn that nonsense down!

They never did get that Frisbee back.

I used that Frisbee as a dish. Seriously?

I used it for pistachios in my room.

Not only am I the youngest person in this loft, I'm also the most successful.

Oh! Shut up, Schmidt.

Are you honestly measuring yourself like a little boy?

I'm sorry that you're not growing any more like me.

And apparently, I'm gonna be growing forever.

I'm like a Jewish Peter Pan. Petya Pan.

Petter Pan. Pesach Pan.

Why don't you take it down a notch before this old man takes you outside and makes you pick a switch?

I'm like Snow Leopard. You guys are like DOS.

And as your elder, Can I give you a little advice, Schmidt? Can we talk for a sec? - Sure.

Yes, yes.

'Cause you've kind of gotten under my skin A little bit.

sh**t, Gran Torino.

I'm gonna die so soon.

Do you think that the neighbors will want, like, four individual casseroles or, like, one large party-size casserole?

Yes, Jess, that's exactly what hip, trendy millennials want to eat: casserole.

Now come on, guys, just tighten up, all right?

Think young. What the hell is that smell?

It's Old Spice.

I'm smelling Old Spice?

Yeah, and yes, It has "Old" in the title, and yes, it's all over my body.

Okay, well, take it off.

I'm wearing the Spice. The Spice is cool.

It's not even a real spice, man. Take it off.

The Spice is coming back! Everybody knows it!

The guy on the horse!

You can wear any spice. Don't wear Old Spice!

Classic cologne fight.

Guys!

Shh!

Hi.

Zander and Raj went to Pate's thing, so tonight's been notched down to a "chill hang."

Cool.

I'll just put these...

Oh.

Thanks for having us.

No, can't do this.

What is up?

Have fun, kids.

Party hip-hop. What's going on, kids?

Let's party.

What are you guys doing, huh? What is that?

Is that Top g*n? Oh, look at that.

Look at Anthony Eds, the "Goose" man.

Unbelievable that he dies in a few scenes.

Goose dies?

Not cool, man.

No, it's... Look, nobody does an onscreen death like Anthony Eds.

He's like the Hilary Swank of bald men.

He's like the Hilary Swank of bald...

Hold everything.

Is that Cass Shant?

Casserole Shanty? That's where I work.

Your chicken-broccoli totally fuels my night bikes.

I'm very happy to help.

Some of my friends don't appreciate it.

No.

You're just figuring it out, just like us.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I am figuring it out.

Thank you, Brorie. I am.

I'm just figuring it out, and that's okay.

What do you guys do?

I work at home. - I'm a DJ.

Well...

Was I unclear about my night bikes?

I work for a single-national corporation called Associated Strategies.

Moo...

Oh, moo...

I know. Yeah.

Totally, Fife. I get that.

Moo...

Moo...!

Right? That's a thing, right?

Yeah? Moo?

Schmidt, you don't know...

Jess.

Did I do that?

How did you just come up with that?

Where did you get that?

It just came to me.

Where did that come from?

I just thought of it.

That's how she casseroles!

What?

Hey, Nana, Pop-Pop.

You missed an unreal hang last night.

Unreal with a capital "uh."

Really?

Those kids with the found furniture and no TV because it's cool?

It's a different world over there.

A world where it's okay to only have a part-time job.

A world where it's okay that I'm still finding myself.

A world where I have not one, but two catchphrases.

$500.

How rude!

How rude!

Just take it!

They think I made those up.

There's just one tiny hitch.

It's very awkward, and I don't know how to say it...

They hate Schmidt.

So much. How did you know?

If I had a dollar for everybody I couldn't hang out with because they hated Schmidt, I'd be rich.

Like, fill my gas t*nk all the way up rich.

He was all over the map.

He spent 20 minutes talking about aioli.

Don't worry about it. I'm on it.

What do you mean, you're on it?

You're gonna prank him, aren't you? I-I knew it!

I knew it! You're gonna prank him.

Hey, can I help you? I'm really good with pranks?

You may not help with the pranks.

Why not, man? I'm the best with the pranks, man.

They call me "Prank Sinatra."

No, you call you Prank Sinatra.

Oh, come... 'Cause I am.

Winston, you're the worst at pranks in the whole world.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are!

You either go way too small...

Hey.

Let's pour a little juice near her shoe.

...Or you go way too big.

Hey, let's hit her in the throat with a ski.

You don't have a pranking sweet spot.

Speaking of...

Are you limping?

My hip is achy.

I wonder if it's your shoes. Did you try different shoes?

I try on four different pairs of shoes with every outfit, rain or shine. You know that.

What did you do?

Well, he could try on

100 different pairs.

It's not going to matter.

The left heel is an eighth of an inch shorter on every single pair.

This is so crazy, Nick.

Oh, my God, you know what we should do?

We should take those shavings, and then sprinkle them by his car.

Let me just get this clear.

Take the little bit of dust Yeah, 'cause...

And go outside and put it near his car?

Yes.

That's not a prank.

Yes, it is.

That's just kind of littering.

His whole ride to work, Okay, you're done.

He'd be thinking, like, "What?"

So we're pranking him so he thinks while we're not around, "What?"

It's too small.

You've got to go bigger than that.

Well, anyway, I got to fill this up with pee.

Ew! Why?

So I can pour it all over Schmidt's bed and make him think he's incontinent.

That's disgusting, Nick.

Hey, sometimes up close, art is ugly.

I got an idea.

Instead of urine, we use acid.

And put it on his face!

All right?

Jess, do these pants seem long to you?

Nick picked them up from the dry cleaner for me today, and I don't know, I swear they seem longer.

I think your pants look fine.

Okay, Jess, tonight, you're obviously gonna want to follow my lead.

I don't know how to tell you this...

Um, they hate you.

That's crazy.

It is crazy... how much they hate you.

Watch. Every time you say something, they're gonna change the subject immediately.

That's how you tell if people hate you.

I'm pretty sure I know how to crush it with the kids.

Watch this.

Hey, guys.

What up, yo?

Throw your damn hands up. We hanging out tonight?

Jess, I love your hair.

It is so good today.

Yeah!

Thank you!

Flowy. - Yes.

Really curly.

What do you guys think about the length of my sideburns? It's new. Daring or gauche?

I got my plane ticket home for Easter.

Thank you for reminding me, Jess.

Yeah. No, of course.

I've got, like, a little calendar thing.

You know, I've got a great, um...

I've got a great plane ticket guy that you...

We're having another hang tonight Jess.

Got some chokes, hula hoops, sitar. You should come over.

Yeah!

Yeah, no, like, that's the best idea.

Totally.

You, too, Schmidt.

Oh, hey, I got to... I got to take this.

Ferguson? Is that you?

Yeah, t-tonight?

Well, I mean...

I made plans with...

Well, look, if that's the comptroller's time line, then...

that's the comptroller's time line.

Well, hell, yes, send a car!

Jess, do you want to hula-hoop with me all night-slash-forever?

Oh, gosh.

They hate me.

Man, I've never seen you work this hard at anything, ever.

That's because I care so much.

I set an alarm for 5:00 a.m.

so I could switch Schmidt's fiber pills with placebos.

Damn it, I want to care about something as much as you care about ruining Schmidt's life.

And where have you been all night, young lady?

Jumping around to your hippity-hop?

Taking your drug pills and smoking your hash stick?

I'm actually asking... I'm not doing a thing right here.

Those guys are so much fun.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've been up for 48 hours, so I'm gonna just sleep off an ass-ton of quinoa.

No, there's no time for sleep! Guys, here's what we got to do.

We got to find the passion that we have in life, and we got to hold on to it.

You're so right.

Just like...

I can't believe I'm saying this...

just like Nick Miller.

Why, look at that.

I've never been an inspiration before.

I don't like it.

It's too much responsibility.

Ooh, ay-ay-ay.

I am cons-to-the-pizzo.

Hmm?

Constipated.

I'm constipated.

Surprising.

Here, sit down, relax, watch some TV.

What's the chair doing over here?

Just moved it.

Oh... gosh.

Turn it down, man! Turn it down!

Turn it... What?

It's too loud!

Schmidt, you're blasting the TV, you maniac!

You can hear that?

It's blasting, Schmidt! Jess is trying to sleep!

You can hear this?

Uh, yes.

Well, you know what, you were right.

They hate me, and I know why they hate me, too.

It's because I'm old, and they're the future of humanity, a pan-ethnic, pan-sexual hive mind, and they want nothing to do with me.

They're not that great, Schmidt.

Last night, Chaz and Sutton got in a fight.

A lovers' quarrel?

Sutton and Chaz are not a couple.

Chaz is with Fife;

Brorie's with, uh...

the other broad.

Actually, Brorie, Sutton and Fife are in a triad, and Chaz is a floater.

They're poly-amorous? Damn it!

Jess, you've got to help me help them forget how old I am.

You're not old.

Then how do you explain this?

Use your legs, buddy.

Let me show you something.

Gonna hurt your back.

Look at this... I'm freaking shrinking!

I took a photo of the wall, shrunk it down, made a copy at an architect's office.

From there, it was just your basic spackle-and-silkscreen job.

I don't care, but... yay.

It's a weird life, but it's where I'm at right now.

Okay.

Jess...

this is the hardest thing I've ever had to say.

Please help me be cool.

Say that one more time.

Oh. Visor-wearing Jess, will you please help me be cool?

Okay, listen up, I got 3.5 years to live.

I can't be an assistant any more.

I don't want to die. I want to work.

Honestly, I want to work here.

But I got to follow my passion, much like a running back would want when given the ball, and in the game of life, this job is the pigskin.

And damn it, I'm in the red zone!

And in summation, I feel...

very good about what I just said.

Hopefully, you do, too.

Who wants to start an arcade fire?

Schmidt.

What?

What are you doing? This is not the outfit we talked about.

What? Rock and roll.

You way overshot it.

Look at that. I'm being ironic.

That's not ironic;

That's just a bad pun.

And what are you doing here?

Your arms are hot, but your neck is cold?

Hey, look at me.

If you guys keep a tight core, you can... your burpees can look like this, too.

When's the Olympics? Right, guys?

I'm gonna set a PR tonight.

Well, you know, he's not... he's not...

Parkour.

Oh!

Oh!

You got beer on her, man.

Did I do that?

Don't worry, my mom can throw that dress in with my laundry next time she's here.

Sorry. Your mom does your laundry?

Washer-dryer kind of freaks me out, you know?

It's just, like, eh...

washa-washa-washa, guh-guh, guh-guh, uh-guh-guh-guh.

On the noise.

Okay, you know what? It's fine.

I'll-I'll wash it myself.

All right.

Thank you, though.

She's so iconoclastic and modern.

And she even got our dishwasher to work.

I remember.

You know, I mean, I just... it wasn't that big a deal.

It was just... I just... I just turned it on.

There was a button that said "on."

It's weird how the dishwasher just lives under the counter.

How come there's no dish-dryer?

Or un-washer.

Oh, my God, you guys, are we the dish un-washers?

Why don't we just move to Prague?

I need to focus on my art.

You can totally focus on your art in Prague.

If we move to Prague, should I paint my nails black again?

Hey, you guys, um...

I can't hang out with you any more.

Why not?

Because...

Our entire relationship's built on a lie.

Jess, what are you talking about?

I did not make up...

"Did I do that?"

Jess, please don't...

I have to introduce you to a...

Don't do it.

Little, adorable African-American nerd.

Don't press the button. Don't...

Jess, why would you do this to us?

Who's "Steve Urclee"?

Jess, what the hell was that?

You were supposed to teach me how to be cool.

You did a terrible job. Look what I'm wearing.

You didn't listen to anything I said!

I told you to stop trying so hard.

I will never stop trying.

I don't care if I have to do a billion burpees.

That is how you crush... you never give up.

That is the difference between me and you, Jess.

Is that what you think? You think I just gave up?

Well...

I was fired, Schmidt.

Do you think I wanted to stop teaching?

That's why I liked hanging out with those kids...

'cause they weren't judging me all the time for not crushing it.

Okay...

Do you think that I want to work At the Casserole Shanty?

Do you know what the people I work with call it?

The Ass-erole Shanty.

Just don't stop teaching.

I mean, there's got to be something.

I don't know, driver's ed, CPR...

Uh...

A smile class.

My life sucks so much right now.

But at least I'm not 23.

At least I own a trash can.

At least I can legally rent a car.

At least I don't live in a loft with three other...

But you live with us.

But I live you with guys.

Jess?

We don't care if you stole your catchphrase from some low-budget Web series.

We still want to hang out.

Don't trust your government, kids.

Oh, my God, it's the old man from the stairs.

I thought he d*ed.

Let's get out of here before his robe opens.

He's gonna get his old on you! Get out while you can!

Hey, hey, Charles, The decrepit thing that just walked by, now, that is old, okay?

And you can hate him for being old, but you cannot hate me.

We don't hate you for being old.

We hate you 'cause you're a viciously unbearable ass-head.

Seriously?

That's... Come here, that's...

Get off! Ass-head!

Ass-head! Yeah!

I'm not gonna drink it all.

Guys, I... am an ass-head.

They don't hate me because I'm old.

They hate me because of my personality.

I can totally change my personality.

Congratulations, Schmidt, that is... that's weird news.

Ladies and gentlemen, you are looking at a brand-new man.

A man who has proved so capable of talking about so little for so long...

is now the producer of his very own sports talk show.

No way!

What?!

That's right. That's right.

Yeah, baby!

It's halftime in America!

Man, that's amazing!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

2:35 to 5:35 a.m.

Boom! Prime time for truckers!

That's awesome. He's got something.

Yes.

In other news, I just spent three days trying to impress people who don't own bed frames.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I spent the last three days pouring urine on a grown man's sheets.

Can you imagine how much we would get done if we just focused our energy onto something a little bit more worthwhile?

Not to mention the money we would save.

I know.

Wait, what money?

I mean, I've been running the numbers on this, but, you know, I think I spent...

you know,

$1,200 to $1,300.

What?!

on these pranks, yeah.

What?!

And I was under- budget, so...

Under-budget?

What, you think fake contact lenses are free?

They are not, sister.

Nick, you don't have that kind of money.

I know I don't.

Where are you gonna get that from?

Doesn't matter. I had to prank Schmidt.

And I did.

Holy crap.

I need a real job.

Yeah, you do.

Don't you ever prank me!

Of course. You got it.

You'll never see it coming.

This is like the end of a horror movie.

Or the beginning of a pranking movie.

There are no pranking movies.

Yet. Get out of here.

You'll never see it coming.

This prescription is blurry.

Hi, Schmidt.

Is that you in tailored, grown-up clothing?

Yeah. Mama's gonna ride this blazer all the way to a tutoring job.

Thank goodness.

I almost thought I was gonna have to loan you money.

Well, I said tutoring job, not venture capitalist.

Proud of you nonetheless.

Thanks.

What the hell?

Okay. All right, Nick, very funny.

Quite the prankster you are.

Ha!

I'm gonna hit your ass with a ski!

Winston?

Get some.