02x01 - Kina Hora

Sarah's family.

The middle right?


Sarah's family first.

Come on, guys.


Party started.

Come on, if you've got kids, please, I ask you to keep an eye on 'em.

Mom, I'm hot.

Okay, ready?

Stop right there. That's good.

Turn towards the...

Where are we supposed to look?



We're doing a picture now.

So just now is when we need you to be focused.

What about...

Ready to go, buddy.

What about Bianca, though? Where... Bianca B.?

Where is she?

B. Come on, baby.

Come on, you're in the picture, baby.

You gotta be in it.

It's just family.

Come on.

Colton, too.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, I got my glasses. Hold on.

[overlapping dialog]

Everybody ready? Everybody ready?

Oh, wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Shelly: Ella. Ella, stop it.

Stop it. Rabbi Rachael.

She's family. Come on.

Ali: It's supposed to be just family.

[overlapping dialog]

You're in here.

Anybody else want in?

Lots of room.

Everybody's being so dramatic.

Okay, okay.

Before we melt, we gotta go, we gotta go.

Those little kids are melting.

Okay, Reggie, come on, take control.


Everybody ready?

[overlapping dialog]

All right, let's make some space.


Now, get in.

[overlapping dialog]


Everybody ready?

Rabbi, can we get rid of the binder? I just...

Oh, sure, of course.

Yeah. Do you mind holding it?

Oh, here, here, here.

Got it, got it. No worries. No worries.

That's right, Avery said no binders, so no binders it is.

Everybody ready?


We are, we are, we are.

Let your hear grow big like Cindy Lou down in Whoville.

Everybody say Cindy Lou.

All: Cindy Lou.

Oh, my gosh, guys. So serious.

Who's Cindy Lou?

Everybody say...

How about a Jewish reference?

A Jewish reference. Sure.

Everybody say, I want a little wine.

All: I want a little wine.

I want some apple juice.

Okay, Reggie.

Just take the pictures, for God sakes.

A little pejorative, right?

A little anti Semitic, but that's fine.

I'm just tryin' to lighten it up.

Reggie, we gotta keep it moving, I gotta get the Cashmans Hanukkah.

Everybody say Hanukkah.

All: Hanukkah.



None of these words end in a smile.

Okay, the Cashmans. I need the Cashmans to come over.

Wait, did we get this?

Hold on, hold on.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on. Wait.

[overlapping dialog]

Go back to the boat, Captain.

Go back to the boat.

Excuse me.


Did you want my chin up, or you want my chin down?

Do you hear me?

Chin up.

Can you scoot in?

I can't hear you.

What'd you say?

Chin up, please.

What is he saying?

He says chin up.

A little bit. You look beautiful.

Oh, that's... Just a little bit down.

Okay, kids, keep it down.

One more.

Okay, one more.

Uh, I think we paid for more than one photograph.

If everybody focuses, we could get this picture.

Absolutely. Let's take the five dollar photo.

What is your name?


What is your name?


Reggie, you want my head up or you want my head down?

I think chin up for you, sir.

That's a head. Put your head up.

Reggie, take the picture.

He said chin up.

Chin up.

Did he call me sir?



Okay, we're done, we're done.

Okay. All right.

We're done.

Let's go.

We're done.

All right, good job. Let's go.


Okay, Cashmans. Cashmans.

What are you doing? What is the matter with you?

I'm so sorry.

This is the problem that I'm talking about.


Don't ever do that again.

Can I grab you about my binder.

Oh, yeah, of course.

Of course. Okay.

[overlapping dialog]

Barb and Quinn. Barb and Quinn.

My ex wives, come on.

Come on.

More like sister wives.

Yeah, she's collecting us like lesbian Pokemon.

What? Come on.

We need to talk.


Where is the photographer?

Where's the photographer? Okay, there he is.

Photographer's here, photographer's here.

Okay, everybody say...

Back a little bit, back a little bit.

Love wins.


All: Love wins.

Oh, you're beautiful.


Josh: You don't have to go out of your way to make Rachael feel not welcome.

Ali: I'm not going out of my way to do anything, but I'm not a f*cking welcoming committee.

I'm just a guest at this wedding.

No. You're the one who tried to talk her out of being with me.

Okay, tonight I'm putting it in my calendar, with a Google alert, remind brother's girlfriend...


You might have been mistaken about him being a s*x addict.

Not tonight, though.

Number one.





I'll do it.

We're pregnant.

What? What?

Yeah. I'm gonna be a dad.

Holy sh1t.

[groans] Hate to tell you, you already are a dad.

No. Not...

Like, I'm gonna be a dad with a baby, and I'm gonna do it right for the first time.

Where I actually know that I have a kid.

Oh, my God.



Okay, but listen...


You cannot tell anyone.

We just peed on a stick. It's early days.

I will not tell anyone.

He knocked her rabbi ass up?

Yep, he did. And you know what?

I'm not gonna apologize to her.

I don't care if she's pregnant.

Als, Als, please. Don't be churning stuff, okay?

Because this is my day.

I know. I know it's your day. That's what I'm saying.

Why did he have to pull me aside and make it all about him?

Why did you have to come here and tell me?

Now you're making it all about you.

Does this... the outside of my brow look ebony to you?

I feel like it's a little ebony.

Am I crazy? Did we talk about mahogany, 'cause I feel like we talked about mahogany, and this is a little ebony.

It's two f*ckin' kids. It's like insta-family.

It's a lunatic fringe festival.

Come on, Grandma, come on.

Get back here.

You're making me crazy. I can't run.

Ali: Hi, guys.

Shelly: Kids, you're gonna give me a heart attack.

Mommy, where's Daddy?

He's, um... He's... He's not coming.

Zack: I told you.

Ella: Why isn't he coming?

Zack: [singsongy] Daddy's not coming, Daddy's not coming.

I didn't, um... I... I didn't invite him.

Shelly: Kids, oy! Get off the bed.

Okay, kids. You know what I just realized?

We need to go rehearse your flower petal throwing.

Oh, this is terribly important.

Oh, my God.

It's important, yeah.

Because I know she has...

You have the most important job in the wedding.

But you're not gonna compete.

We have to make sure it's perfect. Ready?

Gracie has more yellow flower petals than me.

We are gonna get some more yellow flower petals for you.

Let's go.

But that's not fair!

Shelly: Go. Go away.

Ella: But he's still my dad.

Everybody, just gai avek*.

She said she needed to see you.

I told her not to upset you.

Your eyebrows are too dark.

We're working on it. Thank you.

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪ [guitar]

God, I miss you in the Shangri La.

I miss you. I know.

Well, the condos came in and moved all us queers out.

f*cking yuppies.

Yeah. [chuckles]

Hey, how you doin' at Shelly's?

I'm good.


Yeah, everything's comfortable, you know.

You know, she's just so familiar.

Famili... Familiar. Familiar.

She's familiar.



Come here.

So are you.

Let me cool you off.



Hi. Oh, I'm good.

You see? Pulse points.

Feels nice, huh?

You are amazing.

Very nice.

Yes. It feels good.

Oh, my God.

What's the matter?

My sister's here.

No. Can't be.


That's Simon.

Look at the two of them.

Still a strange boy.

Josh: Yo.


How you doin'?

[clears throat] Good.

Talkin' to people?

Yep. Yeah.

People talkin' to you?

Yes, they are, yes.

People are being really nice.

Good, good.

It's really great.

I want you to relax, man.

These are your people.

Love you no matter what.

I love you, too.

Ali: Okay, people. People, listen.

There is no bride side and groom side.

There... bride side and bride side.

You know what I mean. Just sit anywhere.


I need to talk to you.


Who invited your Aunt Brina?

Oh, sh1t. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I meant to tell you that.

Listen, we were just nervous.

Sarah has no friends. She has no friends.

That's kind of sad.

Oh, my God.

Len got all the friends in the divorce, and Tammy has so many people.

So we just, you know, they're Facebook friends, and it just... we wanted to...

They're Facebook friends?

Yes, they've been playing Bejeweled Blitz for months now.


What is Bejeweled Bliss?

Bejeweled Blitz.

It's a video game with colored diamond jewels that you line up.

There's this weird ass cat with laser eyes in the bonus round.



Mazel tov on your simcha.

Mm, thank you.

Thank you.

My God.

Look at you.


Look at me.

Listen, uh, just to be clear.

I didn't think Mom could handle... this, so that's why I haven't been by to see her.

You didn't see her before all of this.

Is that why you're here, to remind me of that?

No, I'm here because Sarah invited me.


I don't know why she did.

Nor do I, but here you are.

I'll take my seat.

Do that.

Before anybody tries to get it.

All right.



Thank you.

Mother of the bride.

Thank you. You look good.

Did you change your hair color?

I did a little bit. Oh, my God, are you sure that he is one of us?

He doesn't look like one of us.

You're gonna ask me again? We had the DNA test.

He's Joshy's. That build comes from Rita's father.

He was a Norwegian shot-putter, apparently.




Oh, my God.

[laughs] Hi.


Hi, Rabbi.

Hi, guys.

God, look at this. Look at this.

Stop it.

So scrumptious.

I just wanna like... You're like a Twinkie right now.

Take it easy, dude.

You're like a hot towel in first class.

Swear to God.

Is it the yarmulke?


Get outta here.



Okay. I'll see you up there.

Man: Everyone, please be seated.

The ceremony is about to begin.

Well, was sh... she at least cordial to you?

No. Is a lizard cordial?

She's a filing cabinet with a hairdo.

I mean, she hated me when I was male, and... and, you know, and when she was little, she used to accuse me of wearing her clothes.

Did you?

Of course, I did, but...

Listen, she's gone on record as being anti gay, so I don't know what the f*ck she's doing here.

The free food.

No, no, no, no.

Not the free food. Get a gander at this.


That's why she's here.

Oh, my God.

Oh. Oh.

Look at you. You okay?


You look beautiful.


Whenever you're ready.

I have a question.


Did you... did you invite Aunt Bri here?


How can you...

Why did you do that?

Because I don't have any people.

How can you do that to me?

We don't...

We're your people.

Huh? I don't understand.

And you're... you're Facebook friends?

If she's a little anxious today, it's understandable.

I was anxious on my wedding day, too.

I was hopped up on diet pills.

You know what? Brina could have brought Grandma Rose.

That would have been beautiful.

Yes, it would have been beautiful, but Grandma Rose is sick and she's in a wheelchair.

Oh, okay, so she's in a wheelchair.

People in wheelchairs go places.

I was at Disneyland and we were on the Small World ride, and there was a woman with a wheelchair on the ride.

With... with an oxygen tank.

I mean, if you love people, you can take them places.

Okay, good. Well, by all means, let's do what they do at Small World.

[guitar playing Wagner's Lohengren "Bridal Chorus"]


You took diet pills?

You knew that.

No, I didn't know that.

That's why the house was so clean.

Is that why you fired Nobby?

No, no. Well, partly, but I just wanted to save us some of the money because I could do it myself.

All right.


Thanks, Dad.

♪ ♪
♪ ♪

Man: Oh. [laughs]

Woman: Ohh.

[distorted laughter]

Rachael: Commitment. Entire universes.

[overlapping] Such love. It's more than...

What is support?

In the dark... Enjoy...

What is...

... is witnessing each other's light ... in the desert. In the words of Mechelle Ndegeocello...

My sweet darling, I promise to grow with you, to delight in your growth, to make love to you, to make up love with you.

And most of all, to inspire you, to be the best you, your best you that you, [repeating] you...

Rachael: Sarah? Ready for your vows?



Rachael: You may kiss the bride.


Rachael: Who thinks we should break some glass?

[cheering, applause]


All: Mazel tov!

♪ ♪


[cheering, applause]

♪ ♪


[no audible dialog]


♪ ♪

Josh got the Rabbi pregnant.

[gasping] Oh, oh, oh.

What do you mean she's pregnant?

Breathe, Mom. What's the order?

What do you mean, we're gonna have a baby?

Are we doin' the... the...

Just have fun tonight, sweetie.

The food after the toast?

Just... This is your night.

And then...

Just let the gentleman be in charge.

He has a very nice...

Mom. Mom.

Mom, you're ignoring me. Mom.

Hacky Zack.


Shelly: We're pregnant.

Who's with kid?

Zack: Mom.

Shelly: The Rabbi.

Zack: Mom!

Shelly: With my baby.

♪ ♪

Man: Let's welcome to the stage Captain Jim Cashman for the traditional father-daughter dance.

♪ ♪

Well, I just have to finish this last class and get my bachelors, and then I can finally go to graduate school.

You're gonna be a teacher?

I don't know. Not necessarily.

I'm just gonna keep studying and learning.

How is Grandma Rose?

On planet Pluto.

I'm really sorry that we don't come see her.

You should be.

I think my dad thinks that you hate us all.

No. Not all.

[indistinct chatter]


♪ ♪
♪ Hava ♪
♪ Nagila ♪
♪ Hava ♪
♪ Nagila ♪
♪ Va-nismeha ♪
♪ Hava ♪
♪ Nagila ♪
♪ Hava ♪
♪ Nagila ♪
♪ Ve-nismeha ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Ve-nismeha ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Hava nagila ♪
♪ Ve-nismeha ♪
♪ Hava neranenha ♪
♪ Hava neranenha ♪
♪ Hava neranenha ♪
♪ Ne-nismeha ♪

Where's my girl at?

♪ Hava neranenha ♪
♪ Hava neranenha ♪
♪ Hava neranenha ♪
♪ Ve-nismeha ♪
♪ Uru, uru ♪
♪ Uru ahim ♪
♪ Uru ahim be-lev sameah ♪
♪ Uru ahim be-lev sameah ♪
♪ Uru ahim be-lev sameah ♪
♪ Uru ahim be-lev sameah ♪
♪ Uru ahim, uru ahim ♪
♪ Be-lev sameah ♪
♪ ♪


♪ ♪
♪ ♪ [violin]

♪ ♪

[singing in Hebrew]

Ali: Josh!

Where's Sarah?

I don't know.

♪ ♪

Sarah. Sarah.


[heavy breathing]

Why did you let me marry her?

Did you not want to?


No. I didn't want to.

I didn't want to. Why did you let me?

Oh, my God. What did I do?

You're just having a moment.

I think this happens.

I'm not. I wish I was having...

You know what? The whole f*cking relationship with Tammy was a moment.

This. This. This is f*ckin' real.

I have to pee.


[sobbing] This is like... This is forever.

I mean, I didn't want to leave Len.

[sobbing] I don't even know what I want to do.

I'm just totally pathetic.

Shh. Okay.

Just right now, just breathe.


I f*cking hate Tammy.

I hate her and I hate her stupid f*ckin' family.

Those f*ckin' WASPs.

Just breathe.

Okay, hold on.

I can't... It's real hard 'cause you're here, It's like I know I have to but it's not letting me.

Do you want me to go?

No, I don't want you to go.

[sobbing] I don't want you to go.

Shh, shh, shh.

Just be quiet for a second.

[woman singing in Hebrew]

Wait, wait. Wait.

You guys, wait. Hold on.

I still don't have Sarah, hold on. Whoa.

Hey, whoa. Maura, Shelly.

Where's Sarah? I can't find Sarah anywhere.

While we are waiting for the bride, let's celebrate Joshy's brand new baby.

[all exclaiming]

♪ ♪

[singing in Hebrew]

Come with me. I need your help.

Come on.


Who did you tell that we are pregnant?


How does your mom know?

She doesn't know.


Rachael: Okay.

Oh, my God.

You okay, honey? Do you need some...

Sarah: I'm not okay.

I don't want to be married. I don't want to be married.

Oh, my God, I'm f*cking stuck with her for the rest of my f*cking life.

Like, legally bound to that f*cking woman.

It's done.

Rachael: Well, I mean, it's... It's... it's not done yet.

I mean, Jewish-wise, you are married.

But... I mean, legally, you're not.


What do you mean?

We signed the license.

I still need to send it to the city, they have to... they have a special stamp.

They have to put the stamp on it.

Wait, did you... So you haven't sent that thing in?

When would I have mailed it, Sarah?

You know, right after the ceremony, I would have just left. In these heels.

Walked into downtown Palm Springs.

In the heat.

Found a mailbox.

Are you gonna be a smartass?

I'm asking you... Yeah.

I actually am taking this very seriously.

I did not send it in.

So I'm not.

That's correct.

You're not married.

Um, okay, so what is a wedding then?

I Mean...

It's a ritual.

It's a pageant.

It's like a very expensive play.

That's genius. It's a play.

And we're just in costume.

And you're not married.

I'm not?


I'm not married.

It's an expensive... play.

I'm not married.

It's theater.

I'm not married.

I'm not married.

You're not married.

I'm not married. I'm not married.

You're not married.

I'm not married.

♪ ♪

[singing in Hebrew]


Honey, are you okay?

She's fine. She's fine.

Hey. Hey. Hey.

Hey. Come here. Hey, baby.

Baby, come here.

[glasses clinking]

Hold on one second.


Uh, Bri.

Um, I just want to thank you both for, uh...

For coming. You were great.

I'm gonna get the car, Mom.

Listen, I want to, uh...

I want to come by, I want to see Mom.

Oh, really? You want to see Mom.

Don't you dare, Mort.

You let that woman get off this planet without knowing about this.

Can you do that?

Could you do something for somebody else?

I told Ali about the baby.

She must have said something.

I'm so sorry.

I thought we were gonna...


Wait and tell people together.

Yeah, I just...

I wanted her to be nicer to you.

Please don't do that to me.

Betray me and then tell me it's a gift.

I know what you're doing.

Expecting me to disappoint you.

And then I do and it's like, oh, great.

But I want you to know that I told Ali that because I was excited.

And so, yeah, I f*cked up, I made a mistake.

But I don't want to feel like you are, like, sittin' around collecting wrongs, or waiting for me to f*ck up so you can prove to yourself that this relationship is wrong. Okay?

Or that you're not lovable.

♪ I want you more than I need you ♪

You're lovable.

♪ I need you so bad ♪

We both are.

♪ Are you comin' back? ♪

Sarah: I'm sorry, I can't.

Tammy: Oh.

♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I want you more than I need you ♪
♪ I need you so bad ♪
♪ Are you comin' back? ♪
♪ Are you comin' back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪

Shelly: I hope you feel beautiful.

Because you are so beautiful.

♪ I haven't had a dream in a long time ♪
♪ Haven't been able to sleep ♪
♪ Are you comin' back? ♪
♪ Are you comin' back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ Are you comin' back? ♪
♪ I'm waiting ♪
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ Waiting ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Waiting ♪
♪ ♪