02x07 - The Book of Life




Just kidding.

Sorta kinda.

Can we talk?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, okay. Here.

Um, let's...

Yeah, okay...

I just had this experience the other day...

[stammering] ...with my mother, and I kind of had this epiphany that I know what my problem is.

Oh. Uh-huh.

And my problem is that I wasn't parented.

Oh, you were talking about that orphanage theory.

You were raised in the Palisades. Yeah, that was tough.

But someways, it really... I mean, my mother really...

I wasn't mothered.

Weren't mothered?

You know?

And I've been, like, looking for that love to fill that missing mother love, you know?

But I kind of lost the plot completely, which is that I'm not here to get that.

We're here to take care of each other.

And I didn't take care of you.


And I'm sorry.

So why... why now?

No text, no appointment...

Oh, God, I'm sorry.

No email...

It's Yom Kippur today.

Oh, it's Yom Kippur today.


So I have to come today.


You go... It's kind of like trick-or-treating.


People that you hurt, you think about.

Think about your wrongs and apologize, and then ask for forgiveness.

You know, then you get forgiveness, and then you sort of absolve yourself.


Or you get absolved.

Thank you, Sarah, but I don't want your apology.

Happy Yom Kippur.

Okay, I was supposed to ask three times.

I think I only got two in there.

♪ ♪ [theme]

I'll admit that I'm Jonathan Bowles' top 101 break the fasts.

I got it.


I got it. It's fine.

Okay. Chairs there.


Actually, on that side, please, so they're across from each other.

No. Yeah. Symmetrical.

So you're still mad at me, I take it.

Well, you didn't tell me you were going over to Leslie's house, and you definitely didn't tell me you were gonna stay over.

Okay, What if I was vaguely attracted to her?

What if?

What if we could just talk about it?

Process it together? Maybe even get turned on by it?

Okay, so what? You're into polyamory now?

No, I'm just saying, what if we didn't have this, sort of, knee-jerk, hetero-normative...

Listen to yourself. Listen to yourself.

You've been queer for, like, 30 seconds.


That's my point.

Listen to me.

What is being queer if not questioning everything?


What it means to be in a relationship that's loving and trusting and generous and... and we can do that however we want.

We can make up our own rules.

Isn't that exciting?

And I just want to talk about this stuff before it gets hard and bad and just do it right, just be open and brave.

Knock, knock. Special delivery for Miss Maura.

Nobody's gonna say I'm a bad host, huh?

I was worried that you might be getting hot up here.

I don't know if you know this, but heat rises.

Scientific fact.

What's... What? Oh.

What's going on? What is that?

It's a swamp cooler.


Yeah, it's gonna blow some nice cool air on you.

Oh, thank you.

So, did you sleep okay?

I'm actually having trouble sleeping lately.

Let me ask you...


What kind of hormones they have you on?

You're asking... Um...

Do you know about this area?


Oh, um...

They have me on what they call... testosterone blockers.

T-blockers, yeah.

Well, that sounds about right...


...for a start.

What are you thinking about facial... feminization wise?

I'm not thinking...

No? Well, I'm thinking lower that hairline, maybe some cheek implants and some fat transfer, you know?

Maybe a forehead reconstruction.

Maybe a little... Maybe a facelift.

If I might?


500 CCs in the titty area.

Nothing too big, 'cause that's not you, you know?

No, it's not who I am.


Did you know I helped Shea out back in the day?


Shea's a beautiful girl.


She is.

Work of art.

When she was done, I felt like f*cking Michelangelo.



I wanted to sign my name on her ass.



When the time comes, I'll be happy to help whatever you need.

Thanks, Sal.

I mean, Maura, you still got some good years left.

All right.

I'm already starving.

It's only 10 in the morning, Mom.


Do you see why I wanted to get here early now?

There's assigned seats. It's not like you're gonna miss the trailers.

Oh, I could go for a little buttered popcorn right now with some Raisinets.

Maybe Raquel can sneak us past this fakakta security. - Yeah.

Good to see you. You have your tickets?

You're all set? Good. Good Yontif.


I was schvitzing out there.

Good Yontif.

Good Yontif to you.

Good Yontif.


So are you two brother and sister?

[laughs] Are you my third husband?


Oh, my God.

Let me ask you.

I have two tickets reserved that I haven't paid for yet.

Is there a senior discount?

Look at you. You'd never qualify.

And also, there's no discount. Sorry.

No matter. You already made my Yom Kippur.

I'll look for you in there.

I'm up front.

My son's engaged to the rabbi.

Good taste. I see where he gets it.

[chuckles] Good Yontif.

I'll be right back.

Um, hi, it's me.



Um, okay.

I just came by 'cause my mom bought the tickets in July.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm here.

I didn't want you to think, like, I was stalking you.

I didn't want you to freak out if you saw me in the audience or whatever.

Well, thank you. Thanks. Duly noted.

Um... Okay, so...

Oh, Josh, I...

It's a little embarrassing.

But I just also... I'm confused.

And I had a quick question about what I'm supposed to tell my family.

Because, you know, they're just, like, asking me a bunch of questions...

That's none of my business. Tell them whatever you want, buddy.

No, I know. But I just didn't want to say the wrong thing, 'cause I don't know what we wanna be saying...

We're over.


[water bubbling]

[groans] What a pleasant surprise, you crawling through my window like a sexy Peter Pan.

I'm in a sh1t mood, okay? I need to get happy, stat.

Feisty, all right.


Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Go easy on that lamb's bread.

Holy sh1t.

That's very strong stuff.

That's from Bob Marley's mother plant.

It's his mother's plant?

[laughing] What?


Oh, my God!

You are adorable.

No, it's from the mother plant, like the mother of all sensimilia.

I mean it, though. You need to go easy on that.

This is so good.

And it tastes so good.

It tastes really strong.

That is my private stash.

It is just for me... and people going through chemo.

Are you saying I can't handle it?

Are you asking me as your doctor... or your lover?

Oh, my God, please, don't say that word,.

What? You don't like the word "lover"?

That is the unsexiest word that was ever created.

Did you not come over here for a little bit of lovemaking?

We don't make love.

What did you come here for?

I didn't come here for that.

I came here for your big fat bong and the free weed.

That's what I thought.


These aren't ripe, but it's all they had.

It is really hard to make food when you're starving.

Everything is starting to look like food.

I could eat this counter.

I could eat that spoon.

It looks like Swiss cheese to me now.

Hey, Ali?

I'm... I'm freaking out right now.

Okay. What's wrong?

Well, I'm just... I'm getting a little bit of that PTSD feeling that I had with Josh.

Like, I need to know if you're with me, or if you're not with me.

I'm just trying to be honest about what I need and what I feel.

Woman: You're guests are here!

[knocking on door]

[door opens]

Good Yontif!

Hi, Andy! Hi!

Look at this! Beat the traffic. Straight shot down the 101.

Thanks, Mom.

Look at you!

Our little balabusta.

Still warm!

It was Ali's idea.

[overlapping chatter]

Nice to see you.



No, I got it.

Come on in.




Good morning.


There you go.

Thank you.

Is Sal about?

No. What's up?

Oh, do you think it's odd that... you haven't met his family yet?

I don't really...

That's a choice that we both made.

Name me one time when meeting somebody's family actually made a relationship better.

Does he talk to you about your body?

Because he talks to me about my body.

What do you...

Your Sal came in the turret today, and, oh, he talked to me about how many CCs should be in my titty area.

And I'm gonna tell you one thing from the bottom of my heart.

You can do better than that.

My God, who do you think you're talking to?

I'm gonna tell you one thing.

Mind your own goddamn business.

You have no right.

We don't all have your family. We don't all have your money.

I'm a 53-year-old ex-prostitute HIV-positive woman with a dick.

And I know what I want, and I know what I need.

And if Sal is bothering you this much... you should probably sleep somewhere else.

[chanting in Hebrew]

Raquel: We have sinned against you willingly and unwillingly.

[chanting continues]

And we have sinned against you by hardening our hearts.

[chanting continues]

We have sinned against you by acting without thinking.

[chanting continues]

And we have sinned against you by speaking perversely.

[chanting continues]

And we have sinned against you publicly and privately.

We have sinned against you knowingly and deceitfully.

We have sinned against you by corrupt speech.

By wronging others.

By evil thoughts.

For all these sins, oh, God of forgiveness, forgive us, pardon us, grant us atonement.

We have sinned against you.

We have sinned against you.

We have sinned against you.

[chanting continues]

[chanting continues]

[chanting continues]

[chanting ends]

[Man moaning]

I'm sorry. I'm not feeling this.

I'm just not feeling this.

What's the matter?

What do you mean?

I don't know. It's not working.

I'm sorry.


f*ck. Have you ever gotten, like, so high that, like, all of a sudden, you feel like you're totally sober?

I feel like I'm totally...

Yeah, like, all the time.

You gotta smoke through it. You wanna take another hit?

No, no. It's like... I don't... It's, like, not working.

Like, this isn't working. I mean, no offense.

No, no. None taken.

I just want you to be harder.

I just am trying to give you pleasure.

I don't want you to give me pleasure.

I want you to... I want you to take it.

Like, I kinda wanna... It's, like... Sorta, like...

Like, I just wanna be so consumed.

I want you to rape me, but I don't want it to hurt.

I want it, like, gentle.

Like, I kinda want, like... like...

Like a rapist who wants to makes sure you come.

Does that make sense?

Oh, this is... You know what...

I'm obviously not doing what you want.

It's weird. You should talk to my friend Gary.

He does all my computers.

He's part of a whole, like, community of kinky people.

You know, topping, bottoming, BDSM...

I'm not into BD... I'm not like those people.

Those people have, like, f*cking s*x burgers.

What is s*x burgers? That doesn't exist.

It's, like, you know, like kids that are obsessed with magic and Star Wars, except it's adults and all they wanna do is have s*x.

You're not?


Because you just ran down a litany of things that you want me to do to you.



Okay, you know what? I'm supposed to be fasting and like... you know, making amends.

And I'm f*cking high...

Anyway, did you know it's Yom Kippur?

Is it a Seder you gotta go to? What's up?


It's the holiest day of the year.

[knocking on door]

[overlapping chatter]

That's so sad that that's not my bagel.

That's all I'm saying.

Can you open this, please?

His name is Buzz.


He's the Jewish Santa Claus, and he will be arriving here with Mom.

Is Moppa gonna care?

Who gives a f*ck?

What's going on with you?

Hey, Feldmans!

Oh, hi, Josh!

What's up!

You look the same as ever... except for the beard.

That beard.

I remember when you had a little mustache.

How are your parents?

Oh, the usual. You know.

Mom's good. Dad's a woman.

Oh, yeah, that's right. You told us. That's quite a change.

Nice to see you.

You, too.

Your parents are coming, right?


I'm looking forward to seeing them.

And Josh has big news. He's having a baby and getting married.


Mazel tov.

Congratulations. Ali told me. That's great.

Okay, I'm going to warm up the blintzes so we can have this, uh, wonderful meal.


Great, great, great.

That's great news.

Good to see you, I feel like we should've had mimosas for sure.

I feel like we should definitely have more bread balls.

But Ali, she's a lesbian now.

Are you getting all of this?

Like a steel trap.

Names, addresses, phone numbers, W-9 forms, it's all right here.

I'm very good with facts and figures.

Excuse me. Hi, hi, hi, hi.

Excuse me. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry.

Oh, my goodness. Hold on.

Okay. Hi, Shelly.


Good Yontif.

Good Yontif to you.

Hey, there, I'm Buzz. Are you pumped for Yom Kippur?

This is Buzzy Racklis. He's on the temple board.

And he used to be an astronaut.


Actually, I was an attorney for NASA on a single patent case.

But I do own a rock from the moon.


Oh, my goodness.

So how do you gals know each other?

Darling! Darling! Good Yontif!

Please, after you.

Oh, my God.

You look stunning, but I don't like your hair.

Say hello to my friend, the charming and wonderful Buzz...

Buzz Racklis. Yes, this is Ali...

Oh, my God! This place!

Oh! You look so handsome!

[overlapping chatter]

[chatter continues]

You look too thin. Eat a bagel. Good Yontif.

Oh, my God. I'm so hungry.

No, you have to wait for the blessing.

I didn't know you fasted.

I didn't.

Oh. I'll get the water.

No, we're not serving water in solidarity with the drought.

There is wine on the table if you're thirsty, and skim milk.

Can we do the blessing?

We're waiting for the rabbi.

Josh, do we have to wait for her?

[chatter continues]

No, we can go.

So let's gather around the table.

Right there, please.

[overlapping chatter]

Shelly, you're right there.

Why am I so far away from everybody?

Oh, I'm with Buzz. That's right.

Okay. All right, we're at the kiddy's table.

Yes, we are.

Oh, honey, it looks beautiful.

I would like to begin by thanking everybody for coming to gather at this table together.

Um, I've just started...


...sort of investigating and wondering about my Jewishness.

And without Raquel here, I guess the blessing is gonna be a little wonky.

You're doing great. Don't stop.

Thank you, Buzz.

So my understanding of Yom Kippur is about this epic Yellow Pages that is called the Book of Life.

That is, God... He, She, whatever great energy... writes and seals...

The energy, like, holds a pen?

Are you done?





To get your name in the Book of Life, you make apologies.

And once it's in there and sealed, that means that you get to live another year.

So I would like to say that I'm sorry...

Maura: Oh, my God.

...for anything I may have done to any of you this past year that caused you any pain.

Maura: That's beautiful.

All apologies are accepted.

To a great new year.


I'm sorry I was so controlling with the parking space.

So take a bagel and hold it aloft.



And aloft.

Does anybody know the blessing?

Oh, my God. We don't even know the blessing?

He volunteers at the shul.

[all speaking Hebrew]

Buzz: Beautiful, beautiful.

Happy Yom Kippur.

Buzz: Now it's official.

You don't say "Happy Yom Kippur."

You say "Good Yontif!"

Good Yontif!

Good Yontif!

Good Yontif!

[chatter continues]

Canter's coleslaw, the best.

[all talking at once]

This is good!

Good job. I don't know.

Hey, Josh, you want a different bagel?

Do you want my everything? No, seriously.

You know, come on, sun's down.

I like this.

He's waiting for Raquel.

Shelly: It's okay, sweetheart, if you want to wait for Raquel.

[overlapping chatter continues]

Buzz: So where's the rabbi?

Josh, when is Raquel getting here?

Um, guys, Raquel's not coming.


I should probably say, uh, we broke up.

And there is no baby.

The pregnancy is not... was not viable.

Um, it was kind of like a false-start thing.

So we... One thing led to another.

We are not together. So...

It's fine. Honestly, it's for the better.

I'm... I'm... I'm... This is a new begining for me.

So let's just move on.

Oh, sorry.





Mommy, don't do this.

Mom! Mom! This is not yours!

Oh, my God.


It's not your fault.

I was drunk at the wedding, and I told everybody...

It's not about you! It's not about...

I told everybody to celebrate it.

I brought out the evil eye, and I killed the baby.

Yeah, you killed the baby.

You didn't kill the baby.

Stop it!

Nobody killed the baby!

Jesus! It happens!

[Shelly sobbing]

Listen, my mother was just like you with kina horas and the evil eye, and [spits], and you know what?

It's all just bullshit.

Good stuff happens. Bad stuff happens.

Mom, just eat, please.

Just breathe, Mom.

Eat something, you'll feel better.

Drink first.

Hey, Josh. Joshie...

It's okay to be sad.

It's sad.

[Shelly moaning]

I don't need your permission.

Oh, honey...

I'm always afraid I'm gonna die. I'm always afraid I'm gonna make somebody else die.

Oh, no, Shelly, no one's dying.

You're not the... [speaks Hebrew]

You're not that powerful.

Look, let me drive you home, okay?

You drive at night?

♪ ♪ [piano]

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪ [continues]

♪ ♪ [continues]

♪ ♪ [ends]

♪ ♪ [guitar]

♪ ♪ [slow rock]

♪ Some want to see ♪
♪ Those who've gone above ♪
♪ Friends that they lost ♪
♪ People they love ♪
♪ I'd rather meet ♪
♪ Freedom than roam ♪
♪ To lead me through the fog ♪
♪ Couldn't ask for more ♪
♪ Children ♪
♪ Take a living ♪