03x02 - When the Battle is Over

We're still in the hall, all right?

I cannot believe you let them bring you to this place.

It's like Beirut.

What are you doing here?

You gave the paramedics our old number.

It must have been the only one you had memorized.

♪ 155-6849 ♪

Both: ♪ The only number to keep in mind ♪

Jesus Christ.

Grandma Yetta taught us to sing that in case we were kidnapped.

You're lucky I never got rid of the landline.

I am lucky. Thank you.

Come on.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I need you to do me a favor.


First of all, my name is not Feffman, so change that.

And can you change the M, please?

I can't do that.

Yes, you can.

No, I can't. I'm not...

Come the f*ck on, Bryna.

I am not a doctor!

And I'm not going to get in trouble for violating hospital rules.

God, what a baby.

You are so ungrateful.

Oh, go f*ck yourself.

I will.


Ali: Oh, my God.

Just hold your breath. Hold your breath.

(WHISPERING) There's another person in there.

Is there another person in here?


Josh: What is she doing?

Sarah: I don't know.

Is she awake?

She looks mad.

We should back it up.

Maybe we should wait in the hallway.

We should go...

Let's go get coffee.

Sarah: Let's not wake her up.




I need to be air-lifted to Cedars.

I will get your ass to Cedars.


Doctor: Hello, George.



Doctor: Have you made a BM yet?

Good morning.

You got to tell Sharita when you want to make a BM, okay?

Sarah: Oh, my God, that's disgusting.

Maura: It is nuts in here.

Woman: I'd like to solve the puzzle, please.

"Mother told me there'd be days like this."

Pat Sajak: That's it.

You've got to get me out of here.

Doctor: Mr. Pfefferman.

I will take you right now. Let's go.

How are you feeling?

It's Mrs.

My name is Maura Pfefferman.


Sarah: She's a woman.

She's trans. That's wrong.

Maura: Excuse me.

Everything on this board is wrong, dude.

Just so you know.

I want to put in a request for...

There's a Dr. Harris J. Kunitz at Cedars Sinai, and I'd like him brought in on this case.

You're going to be released today.


Are you sure?

I mean, what happened?

All his vitals are fine.

Her vitals.

Her vitals. Her.


Just wait for the nurse to come in with your release paperwork.

What kind of douche-bag doctor is that?

You know what? I'm going to go do the paperwork.

This is what happens when you go to a county.

And that one... George...

Ali: Yeah.

Has been farting like it's his job.

So are we... are we good? Are we done?



Jesus Christ.

Do you guys care if I leave?

Because I'm not getting anything done, and I'm supposed to go meet Raquel at the temple.

Um... how would you feel if my new hobby was just hanging out with Tammy all the time?

Just like bro-ing out with Tammy 24/7.

I'd be good with that.

She's done a lot of work on herself, and you guys really enjoy each other's company.

I have to go and teach, so are you...

Oh, he's fine.

You're leaving?

You have the ticket, right, boss man?

You can, like, telecommute or something?

Oh, no, I want to stay here in this hellhole by myself.


Hi. Where is she?

She's right down there. She's fine.

Okay. Thanks.

"And when my husband left me for another woman, who would have ever thought that the other woman would be my husband? No one, least of all me. They say when one person in a family transitions, everyone transitions. And that could not be more true."

"The day I met my b'sheret, my Buzzy, right here in this very shul, was the day that my new life began to begin. I have started to really live the truth of my existence, to really open up for the first time in my life. I have emerged from the swamp pit of mishegoss. Yes, I have been to hell and back, or, dare I say, to Shel and back."


Thank you very much.


Just fantastic, Shelly.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

And when I came to, she was gone.

I never saw her again.

I have no idea what's happened to her.

I'm very worried about her, and I think...

I mean, I may not have helped this girl.

Would you do me a favor next time?

Call me before you go running all over town.

Do you want to be my emergency contact?



You have to fill out a form.

Oh, a form?


Well, that's different.

Oh, my God, you have such a great face.

You could live your whole life hoping for a great face and eyes like that just staring into you on your deathbed.

(LAUGHING) You're so dramatic.

I thought I was dying.

I swear to God I...

But you're not.

But I'm not living.

Yeah. I am not doing the things I could be doing.

And I do not want to die with some arrogant asshole calling me Mr. Pfefferman.


Baby, baby, what?

I was so scared.

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

The main thing the restructure will do is allow you to raise money from investors without having to make them partners.

Right. Yeah. And then, by combining the sales and marketing, we're trimming the bottom line.

That's going to make the whole package that much more attractive.


Right on.

I'm also reaching out to our social guys to discuss mobile integration, get the Snapchatters to f*ck the Periscopers, et cetera, et cetera.

Yes. Yes.

Love... Yes, I love all that.

Hold it.


Hey, Joshie, he's kind of like the new you, right?

And I'm the old him.

He's come for your soul, man.

Um, all right, guys.

Well, uh, we did it.

We did it.

We just had a meeting.

We did it, right?

We did that.

Congratulations. We popped their cherry.

All right, man. Well, return my email, all right?

That went great.


Shelly: You're so sweet. Thank you so much.

And good shul.


Hey, Mom.

Oh, hi. You... You missed my temple talk.

It absolutely killed.

Did Ali text you?

About what?

Moppa. She's in the hospital.

What... Gotinyu, what's the matter?

I don't know. I mean, I think maybe anxiety. I'm not sure.

But she's fine. I mean, I think she's almost about to be released.

Everything's fine.

This is why we need the group thread on the phone.

How do we set that up?

Let's not worry about that, okay?

I'm in a hurry. I have to...

I have to meet with the board. I might be joining.

Oh, well, that's terrific. And you look very nice.

And tell them that you're family, that you're connected.

You know, Buzzy's on the board, And you're going to be wonderful.

They're going to love you.

Okay. Thanks.

You look fabulous.

Thanks, Mom.

You look beautiful.

Thank you.

My girl.

All right. See you later.

Hi, Mrs. Maitland.

Oh, my God, there he is. Duvid.


I was just coming to find you.

Oh. Such a long time. How's... Look at you.

You look exactly the same.

You look exactly the same.

(LAUGHING) No, I do not.

It's been so long.

You have a daughter.

I do.

What is happening?

What is her name?

Uh, Idit.


Uh, Idit.


No, the final T is pronounced T-H.

Oh, I see.


I just... Uh, does she like LA so far?

She does. it's a good change for her.

Her mother passed away a few years ago, so...



Wait, Duvid. Come here.

Oh, my God.


I'm so sorry. I just assumed that she was with you.

No. Unfortunately, Bathsheba had a heart murmur that went undiagnosed, and...

But... But you...

Oh, my God.

You. I want to hear about you.

Do you have kids?

Uh, no. Mm-mm.

I was with somebody, and we got close, but...

Sorry. I'm sorry I'm late.


Sarah, hi.


No. Uh-uh. This is, uh...

Sarah Pfefferman. She's joining the temple.

She's meeting the board today.

She's got all sorts of great ideas for new programs.

This is Duvid. He's our new cantor.

I know who this is.

I saw your picture in the newsletter.

We're so happy to have you.

I'm happy to be here.

It was time for a change.


I will let you to your meeting.

Oh. it's so good to see you.

Oh, my God. I... I want to talk, too.

To be continued.

Very good to see you.

You, too. Nice meeting you, Sarah.

You, too.

We went to seminary together.

Really? Hot.

Sarah, his wife passed away.

That's perfect.

Sarah Pfefferman!

How is your Moppa?

Oh, God, she's fine. She's totally fine.

But you know where they took her? They took her to County.

Was Josh there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We were all there.


He's got a stick up his butt about me joining the board, by the way.


Yeah, well, whatever.

I mean, he just likes to suffer.

You know how he is.

Hmm. Right. Is he suffering?

Always. So anyway, is there something that you need me to, like, do to get the board, you know, to approve me? Like...

(SPUTTERING) Honey, this is just a total formality.

Are you sure?

It's just a Li...

You'll be great. You're going to do great.


You're going to do so fine.

All right. I'm nervous.

Oh, shh.

Ali: Berlin between the two world wars was a much freer place than America is today.

They called these free people asocials.

How many of you have had the ominous feeling that your very essence is taboo to those around you?

Maybe you felt the need to escape.

So the Jewish people have this escape legacy.

But you don't have to be Jewish to feel like you're running from something, right?

I mean, many people move through the world with the sense that they're being, uh, chased.

It could be your email inbox or a sense of dread.

Okay. Uh, that's it.

You guys, you know what you're reading for the long weekend, and I will be looking forward to seeing what you come up with.

So "e" me if you have any questions.

Thank you.



Student: Have a good weekend.


Man, you look real cute leading a section, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

This is so fun. I love this.

Swimming around in all these ideas.


Ooh, swimming.

I think you might be my favorite kisser.

Of all time?

Hey, which of the readings were you teaching on just now?

Oh, I was doing a thing on historical memory and feminist dystopia.

Okey-dokey. I'm not quite sure what that has to do with the Holocaust.

Well, I'm just... I'm trying to create a dynamic with the students where I'm not, like, Teacher with a capital T.


I'm riffing.

Ahem. Well, I always say that there is a difference between thinking and overthinking.

Oh, do you?


I'm hungry.

Coffee cart?


Uh, but if you don't mind, let's walk out separately.

I don't need those kids...

Right. clucking about my s*x life.

Knock, knock, knock.

What's up, Junior?


Uh... have you checked out the drop box link for that Manatee EP?

No, I did not.

They're out of Omaha.

Kind of like punk Moog.

Like 'em?


First time I heard them play, I was actually like, "This is how Josh must have felt the first time he heard Fussypuss play together." So...

How did I feel?

Just like heart emoji, dollar emoji.

Okay, sign them.

Are you serious?


Do you want to listen to them or...

I... I don't... I don't want to hear them.

Oh. Okay.

Smiley emoj...

I was going to say smiley emoji, but it's a lame joke.

Close the door.


Closed door emoji.




You good, Josh?

You good?


I'm going to work from home.

Okay. See you later.


So I'm thinking if you want to keep them at the temple, you roll them out whenever you need them.

What are they?

It's like a beanbag, but it's filled with air.

We could have a hundred of them at the temple that we pull out when we want to do, like, you know, Havdalah at the park or a Shabbat at the beach.

I don't want to offend you in any way, but I'm just worried they might be a little bit...


Do you know Sarah?

Sarah Pfefferman. So nice to see you.

Nice to see you again.

Thank you for having me.

Do you want coffee or anything?

I'm going to get some after I start my mailing.

Okay. So I'm just going to have you hold onto it.

I just don't know if they're right for us.

Well, I bought them already.

Did you save a receipt?




Mrs. Carry Over Mats!

Do you remember I talked to you about Sarah?


Hi. Oh, Sarah.

Sarah Pfefferman.


I love these mats.

This is what it's like.

It's just colorful, whimsical.

I'm sorry. I'm trying to...

It's okay. I'm just going to put them down.

Oh, right. Yeah. Do you need a...

No, I'm good.

Oh, good. It's already started.

I told you it was going to be casual. Right?

Hi, Mary.

Do you want some coffee?

Uh, yes, thank you.

Good. Are you okay? Do you need anything?

I'm totally fine. Fine, fine, fine.

I really want to talk about Raquel's world here and what I feel like I can bring to that, you know, which would be a certain, uh, inclusivity.

Yes. Yes.


That's sort of the same thing as diversity, right?

Raquel: Uh, I think they're related.

Yeah. Sure.

You can't have one without the other.

Nothing wrong with diversity.

Uh, anyway, I have really close ties to the LGBT community.

Oh, every time I hear that, it makes me so hungry for a BLT.

Is that so wrong?

Equal rights for lettuce and tomato!

That's, uh, so funny.

Anyway, I say this because I have a trans parent, and, uh, I mean, I feel like the, you know, L and the G are pretty well assimilated, but B and T never really get their due, you know, and I actually personally am, uh, identifying, uh, vigorously and vociferously as bi.

Oh, wow.

I'm just so curious.

This is important. Why didn't you want to bring this up during our session we had?

Oh, have you guys met before?

Well, she's a life coaching client of mine.


Actually, I'm not a client.

Sarah, you never told me this.


She had a full appointment.

I'm not a client.

Well, that's great.

A client for, like, one session.

Let's move over to the table, everyone.

Tammy. It was the Tammy time.

I was trying to tell you.

But I'm actually living with my husband... my ex-husband, so, I mean, that works out fantastically.

You know, we get to be with the kids and have a family and, you know be together.

And, I mean, we get our needs met elsewhere because I can't possibly keep up with his needs.

I mean... He has this girlfriend.

She's millennial, right?

I mean, they're a monster that we created.

Let's be honest. We created the internet.

They were basically raised on p0rn.

I don't know. It's like Jurassic Park, when they came out of the egg and the mouth was open, you know, just, like, ready to suck cock all day.

I swear, I mean, they're like gobble, gobble, gobble.

So why doesn't everybody just gather around the table?

Uh, sign in.

But I really am committed to my family.

None of this would be a problem if there was a wider understanding of intersectionality, but the word has too many syllables: in-ter-sec-tion...

I'm bored. I'm not even finishing it.

I admit that I avoid investigating authors of color because I'm afraid that I'm going to get in trouble.

That's your white fragility talking.

What's that?

It's when people think their white tears matter more than black blood.

That's not at all what I meant.

That's what it is, straight up.

Then that's not what I have.


You know, that's why Caroline dropped out.

She did that Zora Neal Hurston piece, and she just got totally called out by the women of color.

Come on.

She left because she was f*cking Leslie.

Yes. That's what happened.

I know.

She was f*cking Leslie?

Oh, yeah. Every semester, Leslie picks someone new to f*ck: a blonde, a brunette, an Asian, whatever.

She loves them all.

Ooh, guys, guess what Leslie keeps in her desk.

Testosterone cream.


For menopause?

More like s*x drive.

It turns your clit into a strobe light.

Like, ten orgasms in one night.

Oh, no, no, no. That's too many.

Too many?

Yeah, too many.

What, do you hate yourself?

No, I don't hate myself. That's just too many.

What do you have to do that's better than coming?

I don't know. Grocery shop.

Pearl, we should jet and get to the Farmer's Market before it closes.

You don't want to get stuck with that sad Charlie Brown Christmas kale.

You guys coming?

Uh, no, I still got work to do.

Thank you, guys.

Bye, guys.


Bye, guys.

I just got another email from one of the women at temple.

Listen to this. "You're a natural, like Streisand."

Oh! That is the third email I have gotten about my performance.

Babe, you're becoming a thing.

There are so many women out there who see themselves in me.

Thousands and thousands of mes out there who need a voice. I mean, maybe I could be the voice of all those mes.

Maybe "To Shel and Back" isn't just a one-time temple talk.

Wait. I'm loving this. Keep going.

Maybe it's a real one-woman show.

I... I... I... Me telling my story.

I write it, I perform it.

Do you sing?

No, I don't sing.

Don't worry.

I used to sing. Now I don't sing.

♪ Touch me in the morning ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop. Stop.

I think... I think a nightingale somehow flew into the room.


♪ Then just walk away ♪

You do sing. That's not fair.

The face and the bod and the humor, and you sing also?

You know, when I was in college, I produced all the campus events.

I can do a score.

You write music?

Yeah. Sure.

Oh, my God. You could produce my show.

I just think that religious events should be as interesting as secular events.

I mean, how hard is it to make a cute flyer?

Shut up, slut.

I'm sorry.

I don't know. You know, there's this whole Jewish concept, though, that if you do volunteer work you're not supposed to tell anyone about it because if you tell anyone, it just voids the work.

It's more about, you know, ego than charity.

It's so pathetic. Actually, if you think about that, like, if that's actually true, then I haven't done a single charitable act my entire life.

(SIGH) Sarah, if you want to come, you have to focus.

Right. Okay.

You know what? Actually, I'm good. I'm totally good.

I'll just charitably pay you for the last 15 minutes, and, you know, you don't have to beat me.

It'll be a little free time, a little free time for you.

Whatever you want to do, just don't worry.

It's on me.

I thought you weren't supposed to say anything when you do it for charity.

Don't be mad at me.

I'm only late because of Google Maps.

They kept sending me from one totally f*cked parking lot to another f*cked parking lot.

Nobody uses that anymore.

Well, what do they use?

They use Waze now.

Oh, f*ck, that's right.

Oh, yeah.

Worship that cock.

So what's your deal? Are you, uh, dating anyone?

No, not really.

Not really? Who are you having s*x with not really?

No one. Not right now.

You're doing that?

Yeah. Just to try.


Try some.

Put it on.

Is it working?

Ahh. Is it working for you?


It's not not working.


I'm kind of getting turned on.


Feel how wet I am.


Is that a cream? What...









That was fun.

Ah. I'll see you tomorrow.





Hold on.


Hold on!

All right.


Listen, I am really sorry that I didn't make it to the hospital.

Oh, that's fine.

I just assumed that Vicki would drop everything and...

Yeah, she came. come over.


How are you?

Honestly? Not great.

Uh, I fell, so they're taking all these tests, and I'm, you know, I'm not in great shape.

I never exercise, and I smoke too much, and I know that.

I feel... Something's off.

Okay. Can I say something to you?

You've got to listen to your body.

M-My body and I haven't really been talking.

Yoshi! Mama moto!



Gator, gator, gator.


Something is happening on the grill.

What is happening?

(MIDDLE EASTERN ACCENT) Someone crazy here is making, uh, breakfast for supper.

Oh, breakfast for supper. You maniac.

(NORMAL VOICE) f*cking lunatic fringe over here.

That is just outrageous.

It's insane, and yet here I am doing it.

Ohh! Should we have wine or beer?


I need to drink a lot. maybe a wine, like a cab.


Yeah, like a big cab, maybe.

How big cab?

Um, you know what?

You've been working so hard.

I think you've earned a Barolo.

You know what? You're damn right I have.


I deservsies this. Let me tell you why.

This AirBnB thing is f*cking killing me.

I mean, the cash is good, but these people, they're Nazis.

They want everything to be clean each time.

Like you have to wash the towels every time somebody checks in, and the sheets.

And you've got to dust. I mean, it's a full-time f*cking job.

I may have to up the price.

The f*cking monsters.

Give me a f*cking break.

That's right.

Mm. Mm-mm. No, I need sweatsies.

All right. I'll load it up.

Len: Eh, Lucy, I'm home.


Daddy's home!

Hey! Hey.

Daddy, where have you been?


I've been at work.

What are we doing for dinner?

Oh, check it out.

Oh, this is legit.

Is this a zucchini blossom?

It is.

This is a f*cking zucchini blossom?

It's not bad, right?

What have you done with my ex-wife?

(CHUCKLE) Here. Honey, would you give these out to...

Yeah. Who wants some salad?

Try it at least. Just try it.


Just try one bite of it.

Definitely take the Jenner side.

Here's the kicker.

She was 17 years old in this picture.

Married, too.

And she was married.


Kind of like...

Kind of like me.

I'd better not hear that from you.

Yes, yes, yes.

I think I may have cheated on my girlfriend today.

I didn't realize Leslie was officially your girlfriend.

Whatever she is, I cheated on her by raping myself.

Actually, I raped my hand with some weird chick's v*g1n*.

I hate when that happens.

Announcer: Up next...

Has that happened to you?

Oh. New "Shark Tank."

Sarah: Ah, this show's the best.

♪♪ (PIANO)

Oh, my God. Yoshi! "Battle"!


Remember when we were little and you wrote us that song?

Our Honeymoon Sonata?


♪ When the battle is over ♪
♪ And the tide washes through ♪
♪ We will run off together ♪
♪ Me and you ♪
♪ And I hope you'll remember ♪
♪ Just to wait there for me ♪
♪ And we'll run off together ♪
♪ To the sea ♪
♪ Oh, and I want you to know ♪
♪ That our time will be here soon ♪
♪ We'll escape, far we'll go ♪
♪ By the light of the silvery moon ♪
♪ When the battle is over ♪
♪ And the tide washes through ♪
♪ We will run off together ♪
♪ Me and you ♪
♪ Me and you ♪