01x06 - Impractical Applications

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Magicians". Aired: December 2015 to April 2020.
"The Magicians" follows a young man who enrolls to be trained as a magician, where he discovers that the magical world from his favorite childhood books is real and poses a danger to humanity. Based on the novel of the same name.
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01x06 - Impractical Applications

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on "The Magicians..."

I knew The Beast would come.

Get strong, learn fast, any means necessary.

So that's it? That's all you're gonna say to me?

I got into the school and you didn't.

I don't know what else to say.

Marina is a psycho.

You think Brakebills cut you off from magic?

You don't know cut off.


Now the spells are missing so I can keep going.

I want the new ones that she stole.

They're locked in the filing cabinet.

You are a traveler.

You can move between worlds.

Had the lecture yet on sticking with astral projection?

It works by binding your body to Earth.

Won't make the voices go away, but it might keep you alive.


All I can say is it was some kind of dungeon.

This was in the walls.

Penny, I think you were in Fillory.

You were in Fillory.

You were in Fillory--


Okay? Fillory is just a--

Did you see any animals?

Did they talk to you?

I was at some dungeon, you Hobbit-loving freak.

What's wrong with you?

There are no Hobbits in Fillory.

It--It doesn't matter.

Ah, the drawing, the crest, it means that you were in a certain Fillorian castle.

k*ll me.

It was built by dwarves.

Ah, okay, let's not get caught up in the details.

The--the point is that the--it's full of a-- a ton of incredibly magical shit.

Oh, yeah, The Beast is really f*cking magical.

Let me pop back over there and see if he does birthday parties.

Let's go. It's a waste of time.

I think you should listen to Quentin.

Because I'm assuming you didn't travel to Fillory on some planned vacation.

So you don't know how to control it yet.

Then educate yourself.

Nobody knows more about Fillory than Quentin.

What if you end up back there again?

She makes a point.

[tense music]

Okay, fanboy.

Tell me what it says in the books about not getting my face eaten by The Beast.


The Beast isn't in the books.

How's that, if I was right there staring him in the face?

The Chatwins, they mostly get chased around by this Time Witch, the Watcher Woman.

She plants clocks in trees.

Ah, it's sort of surrealist.

Okay, I take it back. This is a waste of your time.

The books were written for kids, so maybe they skipped the monster that rips out people's eyes.

I don't know!


We're done here.

You love Fillory so much, I hope you get to go.

I really do.

♪ ♪

I guess I've been trying to convince myself that Penny's somehow wrong about Fillory despite having actually been there.

That's a pretty acrobatic form of denial.

I really am sorry.

I'm sure Fillory got you through a lot as a kid.


As a kid...

Sorry, the manager isn't in right now.

Would you like to place an order?

I know you know who I am.

Look, I'm sorry I insulted you guys.

But just who talked to you? Marina? Pete?

I'm going to call the cops.

God, Rick, grow a pair!

Wait, wait, wait.

I'm sorry.


I don't know anyone else.

[dramatic music]

I'm not done with you.

Consider it as a warning.

♪ ♪


Julia, wait. Just, just, wait.

Marina, okay?

No one wants a w*r.


It's about an hour by train.

Went there couple years back.

They're real. They are good.

Just give them a try, but...

Please, don't come back here again.

♪ ♪

[synthpop music]

♪ ♪

How'd you learn all this anyway?

Me and a friend got deep into ink spells in high school.

It's not the Mona Lisa, but...

I do have 20/20 vision in the dark.

And where was all this exactly?

I told you.

I'm basically from the 'burbs.

Actually, you never say a damn thing about your life.

'cause it's boring.

What flavor of boring?

[machine buzzing]

My mom died young.


My dad is kind of embarrassing.

He wears Birkenstocks and he sells weed.

But he loves me no matter what kind of trouble I get in.

That sounds nice.


So, this symbol, it do anything for the mind slut shit?

Yeah, you know, Brakebills is good.

Everyone knows how to pull their blinds down, you know?


I still hear her, though.

That girl from the dungeon...

I can't shut her out.

I just file that under "Wish there was jack shit I could do about it."


Or were you talking about The Beast?

If I was you, I'd be curious.

He's full-on AWOL, not a peep.

So, I get this, and I don't poke the bear.

Let's just hope the bear has better shit to do.

[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪

Shit, shit, shit.

♪ ♪


[metal clattering]


Why are you following me, lady?

Easy. I just want to show you.

I'm just like you.

[tense music]

[whimsical music]

[floor creaking]


Is someone being creepy on purpose?


[suspenseful music]

♪ ♪


♪ ♪

Secure the sacrifice!

Oh, God damn it. No!

[both screaming]


Oh, Manon!

We offer up this virgin.

Flesh and blood.

Jesus, I'm not a virgin.


Life is full of surprises.

What the hell, Margo?

Follow, follow. Hurry, hurry.

Ow. Guys, the pine needles are hurting my feet.


Ow, ow.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Hello, first years.

At this appointed hour, as tradition dictates, it falls upon the upper class to administer what is known simply as "The Trials."

♪ ♪

The Trials test your ability to think and act like a Magician.

Pass, your journey begins.

Fail, you flunk out.

This is a test engineered to thin out the herd.

Only those who should will survive.

Oh, nut up, this isn't Harvard.

It requires actual effort.

And don't bother to go complaining to the faculty.

They're off on a luxurious retreat, observing from a distance.

You are ours, miscreants.

Onward to glory!

Come on. Go!


[all screaming]

Move, move, move!

Hurry up.

[all screaming]

Name, please.

Alice Quinn.


Let me see.

Alice Quinn.

Wow, you're really enjoying this aren't you?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

The Trials themselves have the power, Alice.

They will pass or fail you as the Dean created them to.

I merely keep a little eye on each and everyone of you.

Ah, there you are.

Report to the table on your placard.

Good luck.


♪ ♪

Say one word about Fillory and I'll k*ll you.

Don't get me kicked out.

Well, then we'd finally be even.

Now I get it.

Get what?

Why our team name is "Horny Chupacabras."

I'm not a... [stuttering]

I don't even know what a "chupacabra" is.

It's a spine-covered goat-sucking primate indigenous to Mexico.

I can already see we are immensely handicapped by your presence.


In 18th century England, a secret society known as "The Brethren" encrypted hundreds of spells to hide them from the church.

You may open your blue books.

[tense music]

Each team must decode and cast their spell by 9:00 a.m.

Screw up, and it's back to page one.

FYI, this test is pretty much impossible.


♪ ♪

Back in the day, we'd travel the world.

We'd pay for spells, trade for 'em.

And they weren't all the most ambitious Hedges you ever saw, but we looked out for each other.

It was like family.

First family I really felt I belonged in, actually.

Okay, so what do you want exactly?


You know, our story with Marina, it's not rare.

I have seen her chew people up and spit them out.

Then what? You swoop in, you buy us a milkshake?

Come on. [scoffs]

Not till today.

You are the first I believe can really do things, if... given the opportunity to learn.

I mean, I can feel it coming off you.

You're not an amateur.

You're the real thing.

[dramatic music]

Yeah, well, some think so, some do not.

Well, I think we can help each other.


♪ ♪

[clears throat] It's not much, but, you know, they'll be new to you, I think.

Wait a minute.

How did you--

All over.

Where did you--

You don't want to know.

But you're welcome to 'em.

In exchange for what?

Just do some with me.

I miss the feeling, you know.

♪ ♪

[fingers snapping]

Welcome... à la Safe House Julia.

Can you make it colder?

Girl, you're strong!


Was this the last of them?

I'm afraid so.

Well, hey, we'll hit the road.

Right? Find new stuff.

Try, at least.

But you know who has a ton of new stuff?


'Cause she got her memories back.

I helped her do it.

She has...


So she has everything.

We're screwed.

How much time do we have left?

I don't know.

Who knows how to read an hourglass?

This is impossible.

Even Eliot said it was impossible.

Wait, it's impossible.

Actually he said, it was practically impossible.

But maybe some genius can do this.

So what? Geniuses can be magicians?



We have to cheat.

They want us to. We've been Kobayashi Maru'd.

Whatever that means, yes.


No way.

You're an idiot.

We're cheating.

Why would--

Why would they want us to cheat?

Because we're magicians.

No. No.

They're just want to see how far we can get.

There is no such a thing as half a spell.

You guys are insane.

Supply closet.

Five minutes.

I've got a plan.

Oh, man.

They really upped the security since my day.

How much do you know about those wards?

Enough to know they're strong.

But not enough to break them, so...

What do you think would happen if we just ran in there and grabbed the filing cabinet?

[laughs] Oh, yeah, sure.

You ever see the movie "Scanners"?


There's a way.

There's always a way.

Do you have a pen?


[dramatic music]

Mm, what we need...

Think of it like a fishhook.

We grab the cabinets from the room, without tripping wards.

There's wards all over the room.

Yeah, in this dimension, sure.

The one thing I can't figure out is how to get the hook in.

You know, we need someone inside for that.

And I sort of b*rned all my bridges with that.

You think we can pay someone off?


I know someone.

Took you long enough.

Okay, here is the question.

Do you believe what you said earlier, that a genius could solve this by dawn?

Well yeah, I mean, if they were--

Alice Quinn?

If anyone, she could.

Can you read her mind?


Unlike you, she's airtight.

But I can do one better.

[lively mysterious music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic music]

Just light the f*cking thing.

♪ ♪
Nicely done.

Perfect execution.

Too bad I know you cheated.

Congratulations, you two, and on to the second trial.

Well, what about--

Thinning the herd.

So, are you gonna tell me who we're meeting?

Yeah, she--she's not a hedge witch exactly.

Well, her and I have some history.

So, I think--

What do you mean by "history"?

Hey, chickadee.

Mom, you shouldn't be here.

Ah, this is your daughter.

What's she doing here?

She's a friend.

Okay, come on, babe, please. Sit.

How are you? How you've been?

Just tell me what you want, Mom.

I want to give you something.

Oh, that's so sweet.

Yeah, my birthday was seven months ago.

Kady, look, I was not in a good place the last time you saw me, but my shit's together now.

Oh, is it?

Is that why you're hanging out with the angriest bitch from the safe house?

Oh, if you want to insult me, try again.



I called because Julia and I have a line on something.

Oh, my God, here we go again.

We're gonna start our own house.

Nothing crazy, but it'll be safe... from Marina.

So come with us.

Oh, my God, you're insane.

You actually think that you can b*at her.

Hey, Marina's strong, but so are we.

Nothing like that at school, huh?

Protection charm.

It'll render a house literally invisible.

You know, the amazing thing is you actually believe that this plan could work.

Marina will never let me go.


Oh, did Hannah give you the whole sob history?


No, no.

Marina didn't betray my mom. She cleaned up her mess.

Yeah, Hannah, she wanted to steal something.

Big heist, right?

Except she can't handle her shit under pressure and two people died.

Cut to now, Marina gets to demand that I steal shit ten times a week.

Yeah, no big.

Don't call me again.

Hey, you can't take that.

Let her have it.

No, we need it.

So does she.

If I had more, I'd give you more.

Yeah. But you don't.

You sold your daughter to Marina?

No. Marina stole her.

Yeah, because of a really bad judgment call that you made.

She said she had my back. This is not black and white.

Yeah, well, Kady sure seems to think that it is.

If this goes how we want, I can fix that too.

If this-- Do you hear yours-- "If this works out"? I'm out.

Oh, no, you don't.

You do not cut me off.

My daughter just got brought into this.

And I will share with you everything I can.

But it is better that I see this through alone.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

This looks like a home brew.

Where did you get it?

Found it inside an old textbook.


It looks underwhelming.

So how's Professor March's research going?

Look, I tried, but he won't take on first year assistants.

Well, you're just his type.

So I'm sure you'll figure it out.

"But where is the door, Martin? There is always a door to Fillory when we really need it, in the clock or the closet... or my panties..."

Come on, celebrate.

You passed, you dirty cheater.

What's the problem?


No offense, you're just not exactly--

Warm and cuddly?

I know.

You ever want something so badly and then realize that it's nothing like what you thought?

And maybe that you are stupid for ever actually even wanting it.

Every guy I've ever slept with.

Fillory is real.

Oh, come on.

It is.

Penny is a traveler.

And he went there.

And... it's real.

You look like your head's about to pop off.

I loved those books.

You did?

Why so surprised?

I'd pretend I was Ambassador to the Fillorian Outer Islands.

But the real thing, it's not like the story.

So, what, it's actually totally shitty over there?

I don't know. Maybe.


At least a little.

The thing that attacked us that ripped the Dean's eyes out, seems like it might be from Fillory.


That is not tonally consistent with the books.

No, it's not.

And that-- I just--I-- I find that... devastating.

Were you planning a trip there?

No. Really.

Because, otherwise, you're literally torturing yourself over a fairy tale.

Quentin, you passed the first trial.

You live to f*ght another day. Drink up.

Go to the party. Find someone to bang.

Celebrate the world you're in, dummy.

Come on!



Wow, I'm a little--

I am very--

Wow, I'm really, ah--

Margo, did you roofie me?

[dance music playing]

Can we just skip down to where you realize you no makey magic here?

[laughs maliciously]

Oh, cucumber.

Daddy's favorite.

And too much dill.

There they all are.

All those little fishies, just like us.

Eating, sh1tting, breeding.

I require one.

It's over there.

Chop, chop.

I am literally losing the will to live.

So, this is my next test?

I'm supposed to... spear a fish?

Do your lips move when you read?

♪ ♪

Seriously? One arrow?


♪ ♪

[horse breathing heavily]


Bring him to me.


I want to get my Catherine the Great on.

Google it.

Totally hilarious.

Oh, and to help you out...


Just no. Okay?



I'm seeing your future now.

Gay p*rn?



Oh, my favorito.


[exciting music]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪

Julia! Julia, stop.

You're gonna blow yourself up.

I was getting it.

You really weren't, hon.

How did you get in?

I unpicked your ward.

I would go with Koyosegi next time.

Thank you for the advice. Now, can you please leave?

We already agreed that we're not partners, okay?

Well, it didn't work.

Because you need ten extra digits.

Actually, I don't. I--

It's interesting how you can't look at me.

You know why?

'Cause I'm too familiar.

I mean, we both made mistakes, we live with them, we go on, alone, if we have to.

But you do this alone, and you will get hurt.

[melancholy music]

Come on.

We can help each other out.


I want my daughter back.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪


Kady. Hey, Kady.

Kady, Kady.

Stop it, stop it.

Stop it. Let go, let go.

Hey, no, no.

I have to catch the bird.


This shit is dumb. The school is not worth it.

No, I can't, you don't get it.

I can't get kicked out.

Oh, f*ck!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.


Is it broken?

I don't know.


Let me see, let me see.


Let me look at it.

It's not broken.

Look, talk to me.

What's going on?

Look, it's just--

This is all I have.

Me too.

[sobbing] No, it's different.

I'm different.

Look, I need Brakebills.

It's life or death. I have to be here.


Hey, what are you supposed to get with that?

[laughs] A pheasant.


A horse.

These people are crazy.

Let's go find the others.

Come on.




Seriously, dude, I almost had him.

We'll get him, son.

It's not about magic, 'cause it's about talking to each other.

All right, you got that.

But I grew up in Florida, so I actually know how to use it to get your fish.

But I'm after a horse.



Junior Cowboy Camp.



[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

You're bleeding.

I hated Junior Cowboy Camp.


[rumbling noise]


Brava! Brava.

That's it, we passed.

After you chop the tree into firewood, whip us up a little grilled salmon...

Some honeyed pheasant.

And take turns blowing the horse.


[both sighing happily]

[instrumental music]

[both laughing sarcastically]

Did you see the look on Quentin's face?

Like, "Fine, but I am not going first."


I'm sure by now you've realized Brakebills teaches us to be arch and ironic about magic.

But this one plays it serious.

You must bare yourself in the presence of another magical adept and expose your highest-governing internal circumstance, which is to say, your utmost truth.

You have till midnight.

[tense music]


[both chanting]

♪ ♪

[rumbling sounds]

[lightning crackling]

[dramatic music]

Oh, shit!

♪ ♪


♪ ♪


[breathing heavily]

Okay, it's a two person spell.

Both must succeed to unlock it.

You bind your hands with this rope.

How am I gonna survive?

It'll fall off once you've reached transcendence.

It's gotta be some kind of scheme, right?

To record us playing naked truth or dare, so they can blackmail us or something.

Unfortunately, Margo wasn't lying.

It's arcane and a bit unorthodox, but secrets magic is a real thing.

Basically, there is no trick or cheat to this.

It's kind of the exact opposite.

[romantic music]



I'm trying.

♪ ♪

All clear. Good to go.


[dramatic music]

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, no.




You--you said it was all clear.

You said it was gonna be okay.

Run! Marina is coming.

We need to get help. We need to get help.

911. What is your emergency?


I know it's not part of the spell, but I think it could make things easier.

You know, I always thought when...

I partook in a nude magic ritual, that I'd be sort of in a mystical trance.


Tell that to the girl who lost her virginity with all her clothes on.


["Black Out Days" by Phantogram]

♪ ♪
♪ Hide the sun ♪
♪ ♪
♪ I will leave your face out of my mind ♪
♪ ♪
♪ You should save your eyes ♪
♪ ♪
♪ A thousand voices howling in my head ♪
♪ ♪




I've been institutionalized more than once.

Maybe we shouldn't drink.

Or we should drink more.




Ask me something harder if you want us to get somewhere.

♪ Away, ey, ah Away, ey, ah ♪

Ask me why I'm nice to you.

I had noticed you're a tad brusque with everyone else.

And why is that?

♪ ♪

Penny, you don't have to.

Look, I'm not... scared to tell you this because it's true.




I am scared to tell you this, because it's true.

I'm falling in love with you.

♪ All the stars are shining bloody red ♪

I-I can't do this.

I can't--I can't do this.

Kady, I'm not-- I'm not gonna chase after you.

You won't have to.

What does that mean?

Look, I'm a liar!


Okay, I flirted with you that first day because you looked useful, and you were.

We stole a lot of shit, so there it is.

I've been using you this entire time.

[tense music]

It's all a lie.

♪ Black out days ♪
♪ I don't recognize you anymore ♪



Both: Five, four, three, two...

[bell ringing]

both: One.

I need to sit.

I really didn't see this coming.

How could you? You're the best.

You know what?

I try so hard not to be.


I'm already pretty damn unpopular.

Can you imagine what they would think if they knew how good I really am?

[dramatic music]

"Spinster magician dies alone, eaten by cats."

♪ ♪

I always hold back, Quentin. Every single day. I mean... I have no idea what I'm even capable of. And I'm just trying so hard to be anything close to normal.

My friend Julia said that I-- I couldn't run away hard enough. She's right. I run and I... I find secret doors-- Whether I'm alone or in a group, it doesn't matter. I--Like, I'm here. I'm in this amazing place. I have literal magic in my life and I'm still running. I'm still this person that I f*cking hate.


I think I'm really drunk right now.

It's okay, Quentin. I get it.

Your ropes are gone.

Yeah, so are yours.

[suspenseful music]


Alice, I--


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