We summoned some kind of killer moth man from another world.
My friends who got separated and I just--
I can't let them fight The Beast on their own.
You want me to come to Fillory with you?
All right, so there might be a solution here, a weapon.
It sounds like, if we could find it, we could use it to kill The Beast.
Payment is due.
Apparently marriage here is different.
I can never leave Fillory.
I have gifted you my Bestowal.
When you are ready to face The Beast, imbibe it.
We followed all the clues.
We thought that She was leading us to Her.
We summoned Her.
You know, I actually believed Our Lady Underground chose me.
You may address me as Reynard the Fox,
Trickster of the faithful, the pure of heart, the very stupid.
You know how to deal with gods.
You know how to f*ck up their sh1t.
I want to make a deal.
[deep bass tones]
♪ We learned how ♪
♪ On our own ♪
♪ Never needing ♪
♪ Help from you ♪
There's gotta be someone in this motherfucking goddamn magical forest.
♪ Reaching out ♪
People are dying.
♪ With eyes closed ♪
♪ We felt the light ♪
♪ It taught us to grow ♪
Hungry, I assume?
After all that being chased?
No, um, I'm not being chased.
Oh. Usually they're being chased.
That I know of, no.
But you do need some kind of help.
Uh, it's just where I come from there's a legend about a witch with a cottage made of candy.
Well, the cottage is mostly wood, and I'm more of a healer and... gardening enthusiast.
I need your help.
And you're offering...?
Gold...is always good.
You would be helping the next High King of Fillory.
Then my discount rate.
Vial of what?
Were you dropped on your head as a child?
Your blood, dum-dum.
[gasps] There you are.
We were so worried.
So it's a little hard to kill me at the moment.
I mean, you know, thank God, Alice.
With The Beast, I should have--it's-- it's my fault.
No, it's not, I--
No, he's right.
It's Julia's fault.
She--she's not sane.
One small consolation is the bitch is with The Beast right now, and I can't really see that going her way.
No, it, uh, I'll explain it in a second.
Um, can I have my blood back, please?
Look, my friends, they're fine.
I don't need your--
I took an hour out of my night.
You're in Fillory, Magician.
Be careful with strangers.
We only look whimsical.
Who was that?
Uh, a local.
Okay, fuckers, huddle up.
Zillion bucks says The Beast comes back any minute, so what's the plan?
We lost the blade, so we need a new something.
Um, especially while Alice is still--
We should all juice up.
Like The Beast. Wellspring smoothies, stat.
There's a missing piece right there.
Oh, hey, I think I-- uh, yeah.
This is going great.
Let me try.
Wow, swallowing has its privileges.
[whirring and clicking]
Wow, it looks like--
A major drought's hit.
There's a bucket.
I knew The Beast came here every day, but is it-- but is it even possible for him to drain the Wellspring that much?
He really threw something out of whack.
I vote we don't touch it on the grounds that exploding Fillory wouldn't help.
Okay. We need a new plan.
What plan? The Beast is gone.
Our squad is a joke. What plan, exactly?
We'll figure it out. We always do.
When it's a final to cheat on, not when we're stuck in some epic fantasy that likes to behead its heroes halfway through season one.
If we even are heroes.
We might be comic relief.
I thought you threw that out.
It's for emergencies. Pass it around.
Okay. No Wellspring, no knife.
I have no idea what to do now.
So we are f*cked without grease.
That sounds like us.
Must be a Monday.
Onward to glory.
[laughing] Ah, much better.
Why are--are we--
Ah, the food is tremendous.
Word as bond?
Uh, I assume the extra bits enchant the blade to kill me instantly in the event I break it, eh.
Okay, here's the deal--
You need to kill a god.
So you need to get near him.
Yes, but you can help.
His...name is Reynard the Fox.
A trickster of some sorts, yes?
Oh, that will be a challenge.
Well, you don't really have much choice, do you?
Oh, well aware you have that stylish little blade.
I sure do.
That reminds me to insist the terms of our deal include said blade reverting to me at the moment of Reynard's demise.
First, for the duration of our agreement, you do not hurt or act against me in any way.
Quentin, all of them.
You lay a finger, this will put this in the base of your skull.
You're not what I expected.
Once Reynard is dead, I put the knife down.
Yours to take.
So this Reynard's still out there?
As far as she knows.
Yeah, it's why she needed the knife and why she needs The Beast.
Okay, I get it now, but I also have to say that is the dumbest thing she could possibly have done.
Like I said, she's not sane right now.
I wouldn't be.
So what are we supposed to do?
Kill The Beast.
You know, it's awful, but she chose to double-cross us.
Look, I'm pissed too, but I would like to point out--
Okay, we don't have to take a vote right this second.
Penny's right. First things first.
We need to make a plan to deal with The Beast.
I thought for sure you--
Yeah, me too. Not yet.
Are--are you all right?
Um, I'll--I'll get everyone something to eat.
That would be amazing.
I think I like her.
I hope I like her.
Um, okay. This might be something.
Um, so there's a-a-a place called The Armory.
Uh, So Rupert Chatwin, uh, he realizes that back home, World War II is still raging and he tells Jane and Martin that he is going-- he's--he's going to go fight. Before he does, uh, he spends all night in The Armory reading.
Uh, and, uh, you know, like, whatever he finds, it doesn't say, but his next move is to petition Ember and Umber for strength.
I mean, what-- what if he found something?
What if he found, uh, a spell or a piece of, I don't know, Fillorian Battle Magic that was so strong that he couldn't do it without--
Yeah, because the-- okay, the thing is, this is, uh, December, 1944.
I mean, he shows up right in the middle of the--
Battle of the Bulge.
Wait, are you saying that Rupert secretly--
I'm saying, uh... maybe he found something powerful enough to help.
And win World War II?
Well then, I need The Armory. Where is it?
Castle Whitespire. Accessible to... the King.
And if we can find the road, there's, um, a carriage that runs in a continuous circle, uh, also at the disposal of the King, so...
Okay. Whitespire it is.
Come on, everybody. Grab snacks.
Yeah, uh, about that.
My hands are in a f*cking box, so Chatwin's Torrent.
I-I know that one. It's, um, it's a healing river.
Can it reattach hands?
I'm going. I'll catch you on the flip.
Wait, no, I don't think you should be going alone.
I'll go. Um, healing water?
We're going to battle. I'll grab, like, a gallon.
You're wiping your own ass, so figure that out.
Thought I should pay attention to see if it gets warm.
Whoa. Hey, guys.
Hey, over here!
Oh, my God, those horses are so beautiful.
Uh, hey. What are you doing?
I just really love horses.
You have got to be kidding me.
I know, those horses were so rude.
I guess they're a tad literal.
Yeah. I'd call needing to see an actual crown on my head as pretty goddamn literal.
Look, it's not just about the carriage.
They're not gonna let us into Whitespire until you've been crowned High King, so...
So we--we need to get you crowned.
Okay, yeah. Um, so there's a-- there's a specific coronation place in the forest.
There are four kings and queens.
Yeah, you get to pick the other three.
Do I get to be a king?
Unless you want me to pick Penny.
So, okay, so we get to the coronation spot by crossing the Rainbow Bridge.
Rainbow Bridge? Like where family pets go when they die?
No. I mean, not that I know of.
No, it's called that because of the flowers that are everywhere.
Um, but there is, of course, no map, but I know Martin found it with a spell.
Well, we could always just ask around.
Or we could make like Martin.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
He loves me.
He loves me not.
Uh, he loves me. Let's go.
Uh, please know I heard every loophole.
"Put the knife down."
You really think you have a fighting chance?
I think I'm gonna give it my best.
Oh, this is going to be fun.
Nice of Reynard to pull so many hearts out of chests.
It's, uh, distinctive.
Why do you suppose he does that?
He likes the taste.
Brilliant, that, uh, laptop.
The things they come up with when they don't have magic.
Yeah, like accounts that tweet police scanner activity.
Birds have computer accounts?
Don't worry about it.
Wait a minute.
They found five bodies at a house in Florida.
Missing a couple of hearts.
Okay, just try to keep people away for a minute.
Hey, is this seat taken?
Excuse me, sir, this is--
Won't be but a moment.
He's still in Richard's body.
Richard doesn't care, darling.
I f*cking do.
Well, so I guess we came for not much.
On the contrary, we've verified what attracts Reynard.
What? Witches doing rituals?
I mean, that's thousands of people every day.
Not this type of ritual.
So, what do I do?
Well, per the books, you strip and jump in, I guess.
Here, I'll help you.
You'll need to help him sew those back on his wrists.
Who are you?
I watch the river.
And assist those who require its magic.
This guy is f*cking weird.
Go. Go, go.
You know, you're very beautiful.
Where are you from, hmm?
Love women from Earth.
Is it supposed to take this long?
No. He may have drowned.
Are you kidding? Why didn't you--
Oh, oh, oh. There we go.
Are you sure I can't interest you in an elixir?
It--it's small batch and very fresh.
No, thank you.
I have a tooth powder that I think you are going to love.
You know what? We're kinda in a hurry.
I understand. As you wish.
Pleasure to serve.
I think he wants a tip.
20 gold pieces is customary.
Okay, that sounds like a lot.
Well, this is Chatwin's Torrent.
We don't have-- there was nothing about charging in the books.
Oh, uh, you'd rather pay in labor?
I think three to five years.
Are you f*cking kidding me?
You said none of this before I went in the river.
Because I have manners--
Are you even officially affiliated with the Torrent?
Penny, chill out.
It's kind of an amateur calling.
Oh, I see. Yes, yes, you're a con man.
No, I know his type.
I've been ripped off plenty of times by smiling little snake oil pricks like this dude.
Okay, all right.
Same in Detroit, same in Mumbai, same in Fillory.
Sorry, try it on the next sap who needs this natural resource on public property.
I'm sorry. He gets touchy.
It's--it's not personal.
Um, these are diamond.
What the hell is diamond?
When you meet one scammer, you met 'em all. Let's go.
Okay, so this net-- this net you throw, what sort of a net catches a god?
Oh, it's an obscure bit of casting, but I assure you it works.
We'll just have to act fast when the time comes.
It'll hold for a few seconds.
I need a few items.
Okay, it might be better for me to go alone for some of this.
Uh, can you drop me at the playground?
I like to watch the little children play.
It's perfectly innocent.
Al, we got your note.
Let's do this.
I call High Queen.
Did it work?
Perfect. Lead the way.
It's fine. They're just healing.
[Broken Bells' "October" playing]
♪ So you showed me around your town ♪
♪ To hell again and back ♪
♪ Our love has served to alienate ♪
♪ All the friends you depend on ♪
♪ I know it might seem odd ♪
♪ 'Cause you're not the only one ♪
♪ I remember myself as a lonely child ♪
♪ So I was and you got me wrong ♪
♪ You got me wrong ♪
♪ Ground your sense of worth ♪
♪ Till the spark of morning burns ♪
Do you think he's sleeping or dead?
I don't know, should we just go into the trunk?
He looks dead.
I guess we're late.
Oh, dear. [grunts]
I am the Knight of Crowns.
Uh, my apologies.
I seem to have died waiting for you aspirants to come.
Y-y-you are aspirants?
Uh-- [clears throat]
I'm the High King of Fillory.
I took a blood test.
Excellent, excellent. It's an honor.
Can we have the crowns, please?
Certainly. Honored to oblige.
Just as soon as you pass the test.
Of course there's a test.
As you know, only a Child Of Earth can wear the crown of the High King.
I will ask you a series of questions designed to root out all pretenders to the throne.
Only a true High King will hold the answers in his heart.
Come at me.
What popular American television program stars actor Tim Daly?
What the f*ck?
He was in a lot of TV shows.
There is only one correct answer.
Okay. Give me the next question.
This hit single is performed by offspring of famous entertainers.
Dude, that is crazy vague.
You will receive a single hint.
Your hint is Beach Boys.
Both: "Hold On" by Wilson Phillips.
That song is my jam.
Wait, all these questions are from the '90s.
It--it's not the 1990s on Earth right now?
No, it--it's 2017.
Oh, and it's, uh, "Wings," the--the Tim Daly show. "Wings."
Of course you know that.
Ask me something about Patrick Swayze.
You know of Swayze?
Ahem. [exhales sharply]
"Sorry about the disruption, folks, but I always do the last dance of the season. This year somebody told me not to. So I'm gonna do my kind of dancing with a great partner, who's not only a terrific dancer. Somebody who's taught me that there are people out there willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. Somebody who's taught me about the kind of person I want to be.
Miss Frances Houseman."
Oh, Your Majesty.
The crowns of Fillory are yours.
So I guess we just put them on.
No, God, stop.
I mean, I just-- we should do a-a ceremony.
This is only gonna happen once.
We are becoming kings and queens, so...it's important and we should honor it.
Just give me that.
Kneel, Eliot Waugh.
Would you just do it? It's gonna be quick, I promise.
So, destiny is-- it's bullshit.
But you are High King in your blood.
And somehow that makes sense, you know?
And I-I just-- for what it's worth, I think that you are going to be a really good king.
Um, so, um, I-I dub thee, um, I don't know.
Would you say, like, you're more brave or merciful?
I'd say I'm neither.
But I still plan to be a spectacular monarch.
I hereby dub thee High King Eliot the Spectacular.
Wow, uh, this feels as natural as underwear.
By the power vested in me by...
I have no idea, I do hereby crown you High Queen Margo the Destroyer.
I mean that in the best possible sense.
Uh, all hail. Everyone clap.
I have known what you truly are since the day we met.
Long may you reign.
I feel it's incumbent upon me to promise never again to betray you like I did.
I really-- really am sorry.
I have some character defects. I'm working on it.
I'm working on some too.
Well, on that note, I crown you Queen Alice the Wise.
Since we're cleaning slates and sh1t, give me.
Uh, I could start by saying something cruel yet totally hilarious about you.
Let's be real, you're an easy target.
But that's-- well, that's because you're honest about what you love.
And underneath it all, that's... inspiring.
And I'm sorry too.
Not about the s*x, I don't even really remember it.
Mostly my part in f*cking up something that was good for you.
Thanks, I think I f*cked it up just fine myself.
Now that we're ruling a kingdom together, I hope we can be whatever we were again.
I guess you could call that friends.
Let's go with that.
I hereby crown you King Quentin the Moderately Socially Maladjusted.
Hey, everything okay?
I'm going back to the Torrent.
You think that guy did something to you 'cause you were a raging douche?
I'll sweet-talk him.
Get him to fix my hands, then-- then I'll head to the castle.
Everything's under control.
That was you apologizing for what you did.
I just-- if we survive this, I hope we can be friends still.
I know it may sound stupid, but that's what I'm mad at you for, not--not the cheating part.
The part where what you did made me lose you.
And you're a big part of my life, Quentin.
You can never lose me, Alice.
I mean, you can avoid me, you can hate me--
I don't hate you.
Well, you can't lose me.
I just-- I can't stop thinking.
We're gonna find this epic spell, great.
But I'm afraid I'm just gonna... freeze again when The Beast is in front of me.
You're thinking about it wrong.
Cool under pressure is not a talent.
It's a--it's a skill, and you need to practice.
We stood on a roof together during the Trials, and you told me that you were afraid to see what you're really capable of.
[scoffs] That was then.
So let's see what you can do now.
I'm not sure it'll help.
Then do it for me. I'm not gonna lie.
I--I'm dying to see what you can do.
I'm not a Naturalist.
You know the spell, we all do.
We just sucked at it.
Let's see what you can do now.
Oh. That feels... it's just like breathing.
[chuckles] So how do you feel now?
We're not getting back together.
I've been wondering something.
Why didn't Reynard kill you with your friends?
Why were you spared?
You weren't spared, were you?
Look, let's not go there, okay?
You know, when I was a boy, a man who was meant to care for me bent me over his desk and had me over and over every time I was alone with him.
It helps me understand a truth.
You're powerful or you're weak.
If you're powerful, you will survive.
So what, you're suggesting I just get over it?
Take over a world, kill a bunch of grad students 39 times?
[chuckles] Eh, see, what you feel, the haunted look in your eyes, doesn't come from nowhere.
Then where does it come from?
In the center of your being, there's a tiny beating heart.
What, you mean like my soul?
Part of it, yes, the slimmest part, but it holds specific power.
It's called a Shade.
It's what makes you feel the pain will burn you till there's nothing.
And, yes, it's also there for love, but, uh, let's be frank, darling, you're more likely to throw yourself off a bridge than ever love again.
I felt that way.
And I knew it crippled me when I needed to be strong.
As you do now.
I don't care for people, as a rule.
I like you.
You have promise.
With the right control, you would be formidable.
Even a worthy collaborator.
I have plans. You could be part of them.
Do what I did.
Sever your shade.
It's not hard.
You'll feel better.
You'll feel happy.
I can show you how.
No, thank you.
Do let me know if you change your mind.
The crown suits you, of course.
Who are all these people?
The Pickwick family.
They've been running things till Children of Earth came.
Tick Pickwick of the Northern Marsh Pickwicks, at your service.
The rest of the King's Council will arrive shortly.
So glad you're here.
There are a few problems.
Uh, several problems that could use your immediate attention.
Ah, okay, great. We should probably get started.
First, your throne room.
I'm afraid it's been locked a long time.
We're looking for the key.
Uh, take me straight to the Armory.
The Armory, your, uh, highnesses.
Well, this is underwhelming.
This is supposed to be full of books.
"Strategies for Trapping Tomato-eating Garden Fairies."
Someone took all the battle magic.
It's not like The Beast is coming to find us any second.
Wait, this is something.
It's an--it's a workbook on spells, serious ones.
Looks like battle magic.
But the actual spells aren't here.
Hmm, like notes on cake, but no actual recipes.
Who wrote it?
Oh, my God.
I know where we need to go.
Hello? Mr., uh, Mr.--
Can I help you?
Hell, yes, you can. These don't work.
Well, by all means, request a refund.
Very funny. You did this on purpose.
Did what? Help an ungrateful Child of Earth?
Look, I'll pay you whatever you want, okay?
I'm--I'm serious, okay?
I'm friends with the kings and queens.
You want to be a duke, great, I got you--
Actions have consequences, Penny.
Even glib words spoken in casual arrogance.
It's past time you learned, especially give the position you'll occupy soon.
You know what? I've done you a service.
No, no, Look, hey, I'm--
I'm sorry, okay?
Please fix my hands.
See, how do I put this in a way that you'll understand?
Ah, go f*ck yourself.
Hang on to this while I'm gone.
You guys all packed?
El, thank you.
For what? For, um, taking one for the team to the tune of the rest of my life?
[exhales deeply] I'm trying to see this ruling thing as an adventure.
Apparently we have enemies to the north and south.
Plus broken infrastructure and huge magic issues thanks to The Beast and his Wellspring addiction.
And do you know they don't know what champagne is here?
I plan on inventing it.
I'd like to be known as... the Champagne King.
It has a ring to it.
I'm really looking forward to drinking socially, like the French.
So, uh, in the books, time doesn't exactly run the same speed on Earth as in Fillory.
I mean, look, sometimes it got screwy when Jane and Martin would go back and forth.
But not always.
It's gonna be fine.
Or I'll just live out my days waiting for my friends to return and die alone.
You know, it's considered extremely disrespectful to touch a king without permission.
But, um, I think you should... probably hug me right now.
It'll also be okay if you just give my ass, like, a little squeeze.
Feel free to, uh, double-check this before I get started.
Why do you want to help me with my Shade?
Without your Shade, you would see a lot of things differently.
You'd be able to live, Julia.
Let me show you.
Put it back.
It's okay, it's okay.
I need it.
Put it back now, Martin.
I understand why you're afraid.
You don't want to lose yourself.
But hear me on this.
Martyring yourself to your pain isn't all it's advertised to be.
It'll destroy you.
There's no glory in that.
You might get Reynard, yes.
But he'll still win.