Previously on "The Magicians"...
No, no, no.
Don't you f*cking touch her.
Fine, I'll take you first.
I had Reynard. I had The Beast.
Man, f*ck this. We're out.
The chain was the only thing keeping my hand from--
Sorry. Not my problem.
Do you know what a Niffin is?
It's when too much runs through you, consumes you.
Only the magic is left.
Hard to cast when you're sliced in two.
What is she doing?
She can't. She'll Niffin out.
Let's finally finish this.
He did it on purpose.
I know we're being serious right now, but that surgeon has the biggest dick.
Eliot, it's time to go.
Our kingdom awaits.
With The Beast dead, there's a power vacuum in Fillory.
Hello? High King and Queen right here.
We, of course, recognize your rule, but others--
Everyone assumes you'll be dead soon... or you'll run away or vanish or go mad.
There are stirrings of rebellion in the Southern Orchard, the Outer Islands, refusal to pay the Crown's taxes.
You know who loves paying taxes?
People with broken legs.
Abigail would remind you that money cannot fill the Wellspring.
Without it, Fillory withers.
Okay, well, we talked about this.
When someone drops a log at a public pool, you just send a kid with a net to fish it out.
The befouling was substantial, Your Majesty.
We've employed several filtration systems, but the Wellspring isn't recovering fast enough.
If there was a royal appeal to Ember himself--
Okay, we can't find him.
He's not in his temple or his filthy s*x cave.
We need to devote more resources.
We're going to build a monument to our fallen queen-- a statue, I think...
100 feet high.
Do you know what that would cost?
I don't care how much it costs.
I want designs drawn up and funds... funded immediately.
Can you give us a moment?
I said get the f*ck out.
[device rattling, squeaking]
So that's the plan, huh-- blow all our cash on sappy nonsense, bankrupt the kingdom?
We have to do something.
Alice was our friend.
No. She wasn't.
Alice was a package deal. She came with Quentin.
Somebody skipped her colonic this morning.
For whatever stupid reason, you're the High King of an entire land.
You have to be responsible, Eliot.
Since when are you Fillory Clinton?
Since I'm me.
My crown is just as heavy as yours.
You can leave whenever you feel like it.
You can go back to Brakebills.
You can do whatever you goddamn want.
I don't belong here.
I'm not ready to be a king.
I wasn't done being me.
It was so much simpler when there was just one giant evil dick trying to kill us.
Now we're just--
How did this happen?
I have an idea... to help you.
Like a loophole?
You're gonna ironically abandon me here to go find it.
I'll be back. I promise.
I know you... [sighs]
Kady, come on, I need your help.
You haven't had any other problems with your casting?
I've had nothing but problems.
I thought it was because of my hands, but it's getting worse, not better.
I've had a few... brownouts, you could call them.
I mean, I thought it was the Xanax, honestly.
Two a day if I can get them.
Oh, you mean the brownouts.
Four or five.
I'm trying to get back here, but my aim's off.
Okay, all right, It seems like more than your aim.
Last three worlds I've been in haven't had any f*cking oxygen.
My fingers just--they just-- they just keep shorting me out.
What happened? Did we kill The Beast?
But, um, Quentin's pretty banged up.
Alice was hurt a lot worse, Penny.
I want everyone to stop wanting things.
[chuckles] Great time to ask for something?
Your father makes knives for a living and knows where I sleep, so...
[scoffs] Ask away.
I'm know I'm not precisely the type you'd most likely choose, and I wasn't so experienced when we were first together, but you're so great at it.
You're--you're huge, and it's so good.
And, Eliot, I don't know how to politely ask you to f*ck me.
Oh, look, Margo's here.
You remember Lasaro?
That creep who made the Margolem?
I twisted his arms and/or balls a little, and he gave up the spell.
Living clay is hard to come by, but Fogg left his stash so unprotected, it's like he wanted me to steal it.
So I did.
We're gonna make another you.
Made you a sandwich... half an hour ago.
Then I ate it.
It's been a long time since I've had a hot shower.
How you feeling?
Better... nap, seeing you alive, magic methadone... methadone. [chuckles]
Thanks... for all of it.
So, um, how did you find me?
After asking around a bit, I heard about a girl who was doing miracles for a quick fix.
I called it "turning tricks."
You think I'm judging you, I'm not.
No. No, I'm judging myself.
You... you saved my life, and... you know, I-I thought it would be okay to run... if I got the cavalry and I came back to help you, but I...
I just ran.
I hid. [scoffs]
Yeah, well, there was nothing you could have done then.
But you can help me now.
[gasps] Oh, my God.
Ju--Julia, is that--
She helped me bait a trap for Reynard.
He killed her.
You freeze-dried her corpse?
Alonso's Reverse Thermogenesis.
But look... she left this for a reason-- a message or a code.
I mean, at least I thought that--
No, no. I know exactly what that is.
That's a locator number... for a book in the library at Brakebills.
[exhales sharply] That's a long drop for human legs.
We would not want to see you get hurt so soon after being rebuilt.
[chuckles] It's strange, I know.
But you'll get used to it.
Is this a hospital?
Are you--are you a doctor?
You're at the retreat... a few hours gallop north of Whitespire.
I was a patient years ago.
The Centaurs saved my life when no one else could.
Now I try to repay that debt by serving them as a nurse.
How--how long have I--
Three weeks. Your injuries were severe.
Your friends were called away, but they left that for you.
We can start physical therapy in the morning.
"Dear Q, we buried Alice today in the gardens, where she'll always be close by. We left a box of her things, if you ever wake up. Please wake up. Your benevolent overlord, High King Eliot."
[clears throat] Hey.
Margo sent me here to get my hands checked out.
Look... it sucks about Alice.
That's the best that you can do?
I cared about her, too.
For what, like, ten minutes, including foreplay?
Are you mad at me because I cared too much or too little?
I'm mad 'cause you f*cked up the one thing that we were counting on you for.
You want to blame me?
It was your cacodemon that killed her.
That was not Alice. Alice was gone.
So you just saved the day, huh?
Could we just... convalesce from our horrible injuries separately, please?
Nice to see you, too, man.
Good day. My name is Sawbones. I'll be examining you.
Those are the most accursed things I've ever smelled.
They must be removed posthaste.
How did they become cursed?
Some guy, this--this valet type of dude at Chatwin's Torrent.
The River Watcher.
You know him?
I'm sorry. I-I can't help you.
Dude, just chop 'em off and give me some magic wooden sh1t like you did Quentin.
I'm a surgeon. I can't risk the curse spreading to my own hands.
The River Watcher... [scoffs]
He's mercurial and dangerous.
You erred greatly in offending him, Penny.
Are you sh1tting?
What was I saying?
You're thinking about banging yourself, aren't you?
Shh, shh, shh.
Doing your clone is more like AP-level masturbation.
Ugh, put on a robe, would you?
Now, part two-- a variation on the mind-control work Mayakovsky hammered us with first year.
You sleep here, your mind goes into the golem.
And the golem goes to Brakebills, unless, of course, we're wrong about the fine print in my contract and he can't leave Fillory either.
Yeah, totally possible he touches a button and just explodes.
Only one way to find out.
Richard's alumni key.
It gets you past the wards at Brakebills.
I was expelled.
Alarm bells will go off the second I pop in.
I didn't go to school there.
I mean, how am I supposed to find this book?
It's the only one the bodega had.
Okay, bitch, say something.
You seeing this?
Head down this row.
Wait. Yeah, that room on your left.
It's got an anti-decay charm on it.
It's where they keep the good sh1t.
Wait, let me see. Hold it up.
Wait, flip it to the back.
[sighs] Damn it. It's like a library LoJack.
It'll go off if you try to take the book outside the Brakebills wards.
I mean, this will take hours to copy.
Someone's gonna notice me.
Well, not if you know the right place to hide.
[dance music playing]
Okay. Didn't explode so far.
Why does everything smell so great?
Because your doppelganger hasn't met cocaine yet.
all: Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd! Todd!
Why is everyone cheering for...
You made a lot of friends, huh?
I heard you guys were dead.
So I threw this massive rager in your honor.
The fact that you just called it a rager sickens me.
Thing is, it went great, and everyone had so much fun that I kind of...
Became the new me.
Todd, answer truthfully.
Are you wearing my vest?
I am wearing your vest.
Keep it. [sighs]
New plan-- I give up on Fillory and dedicate myself completely to destroying Todd.
Oh, it's just Todd.
He's usurping me. My entire kingdom is at stake.
Your actual kingdom is actually at stake.
There are some things more important than saving an entire world.
Okay, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say this isn't really about Todd.
You don't say, Margo.
No killing Todd.
[dance music and chatter continue]
Is this a bad time?
Come sit over here.
I saw a-a... strange woman.
She's... pale and had... horn things.
You've seen the White Lady.
I'm sorry. "White Lady?"
You are fortunate she offered herself to some Centaur's sight while you happened to be watching.
It won't feel, but it might help you forget what's underneath.
Get up, Coldwater!
My hands tried to kill me, so I broke my own arms.
Look, forget all the mean sh1t I said to you earlier.
The Bronies can't fix me. I need your help.
Okay, I guess.
First things first-- find an ax.
Are you sure about this?
Do you know how strong booze has to be to get a horse drunk?
I c--I ca-- I can't feel my face, much less my face...
I mean hands.
Just do it.
I'm going to. Jeez.
Damn it, Quentin!
Sorry, I just--I panicked. I don't love blood.
Who loves blood?
I'm not gonna feel anything, so f*cking go!
I don't think I can do this.
Oh, my God!
I knew I f*cking couldn't count on you!
You are so f*cking pathetic, you--you--you floppy-haired, limp dicked dork.
Fucking--no wonder Alice couldn't get off on you.
You have no fu--Aah!
Oh, I f*cking feel it!
Oh, what did you do?
I can fix it! I can fix it!
[electronic music playing]
Oh, I wouldn't.
Todd made that. It's vile.
You're a first-year?
Universidad De Asombro in Spain.
I'm here for the Welters tournament.
I would make a joke about ball handling, but I'm deadly serious about ball handling.
Listen, Javier, I could keep this up all night...
So could I.
But I have to reclaim my title as the life of this and every party by making a drink so perfect--
It seems like you need to relax.
I'm married... to a woman.
I have a boyfriend. but he's on another continent, so... it doesn't count.
And where is your wife?
On another planet.
[scoffs] Definitely doesn't count.
Ahh. It's working.
Nothing. Back at it.
Hey. You were talking in your sleep.
What--what did you do?
I'm sorry. I get a little bit enthusiastic sometimes.
I'll be gentle.
You've been in bed all day.
I came to check on you.
I'm fine. I'm f-f-fine.
Uh, are you sure you still want--
Uh, I-I do.
I do... want to tell you I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm gonna go.
No, no. No, no, no, no. No, no, no.
I-I absolutely want to have s*x right now.
You do? [chuckles]
This is interesting.
both: Do you want me to stop?
Good morning, Quentin.
He lost a lot of blood, but he'll live.
You're ready for physical therapy.
Some calisthenics maybe or core work?
I had something else in mind, actually.
You're exactly as good with a bow as you are with an ax.
Since I was a kid, The Beast has been whispering sh1t in my ear.
Now that he's dead, the world's gotten a lot quieter... or would be if not for you out here thinking low-self-esteem sh1t.
I'll re-do my wards.
There's something in the Declan text about making arrows fly straight.
If I had middle fingers, you know what they'd be doing right now?
Start with Popper 31.
Now cross your index and ring fingers.
No, under the middle.
Now slide the thumb along the meridian.
Now draw the arrow back.
Thank me by shutting up.
There's a creature called the White Lady.
I saw her yesterday.
She's one of the seven Questing Creatures of Fillory.
If you can catch her, she has to give you whatever you ask.
Plover wrote about her, called her the Winter's Doe.
She lives in the Darkling Wood.
It's just past the Flying Forest.
It's not far from here.
We could hunt her together.
"Let's go hunt the White Lady"?
People like me get shot for saying sh1t like that.
She can give you your hands back.
What's in it for you?
I'm gonna ask her to bring Alice back to life.
The river we crossed was at the edge of it.
So we're in the Flying Forest.
What? Shouldn't the trees be, like, flying and sh1t?
Yeah, actually. Most of them are crepuscular.
It means they're active at dawn and dusk.
You smell that? [sniffs]
It smells like...
What is that?
I don't know. [chuckles]
I th--I think I'm-- I'm getting a contact high.
Yeah. Definitely starting to feel something.
[chuckles] Flying Forest.
Oh, my God.
The Chatwins were, like, ten when they came through here.
They must have been blazed the entire time.
Hey, I-I take back what I said.
I-I fully expect to see a tree flapping around at any second.
Listen, Quincy, if we get a tree or--
Did you just call me Quincy?
Is--is that not your name?
Dude... dude, what the f*ck?
Get away from my mouth, man.
It's my mouth.
No, it's not.
Oh, where-- uh, where-- where are my stuff touchers?
What the f*ck is going on?
Who the f*ck are you?
Who am I?
I have no idea.
The Beast sh1t in the Wellspring.
No. No. Ember.
Ember shat in the Wellspring.
[sighs] I think he meant well.
He probably didn't know how hard it would be to clean out.
And now magic is failing on Earth... because of sh1t, proving once again that comedy and tragedy can coexist in the same goddamn sentence.
[inhales deeply] Honestly...
I am in over my head.
I am not even in control of which world my body is awake in, and my sexually aggressive wife, she could wake me up at any moment in Fillory.
Eliot, there are certain student/teacher boundaries which I'd prefer not to cross.
So what am I supposed to do, Henry?
What did you think was going to happen when you dove headfirst into another world?
I thought I'd die.
But you didn't.
Now you have two lives.
You're trying to live both.
Yes, but you can't.
You can let it tear you in half or pick one.
I can never leave Fillory.
The choice is easy.
I am... ill-equipped to be a king.
I am no better equipped to teach one.
Being an adult is recognizing your responsibilities.
A bunch of my students went and conquered another world.
They more, like, gave it to us.
Either way, it doesn't look great for me.
It reeks of Earth privilege.
The very least I can do is... is to help you rule it.
What do you have in mind?
Bring in the best minds we can-- historians, politicians, shamans, military leaders.
Hmm. Your thesis project is... "How to Save an Entire Goddamn World."
Right or left?
Right seems to be the popular direction.
I must be an adventurer.
[chuckles] No, you're not.
What? I have a bow and arrow and a cool questing outfit and a manservant.
Oh-ho-ho, you did not just say that, white boy.
Besides, what kind of servant has no f*cking hands?
Right or left?
Right seems to be the popular direction.
What the hell are you doing here?
Look, I can explain.
After you jumped in and screwed everything up with Penny, Alice died killing your little friend Martin.
Then Quentin was almost ripped in half.
And you have the balls to come here.
Look, if you guys had trusted me, both Reynard and The Beast would be dead.
None of that would have happened.
Quentin should have left you in your little hedge hole, trading rim jobs for spells.
You actually think because you go to this bullshit school that you're better than me.
I think I didn't get my friends killed.
You don't have friends.
You have people that are so afraid of you, they'd rather be on your side.
There's a difference.
Well... and you have no one.
And you deserve no one.
Look, I don't expect you to care 'cause this doesn't directly affect your hair or your social life, but since you let Reynard free, he has murdered over a dozen women, and this book might be my last shot at killing him.
The book's blank.
Put yours in the box and wait for them to mate.
The baby should be a pretty decent Xerox of the original.
You know what this is?
Ooh, this is a girl's.
What if I'm supposed to be rescuing her?
Ooh, or what if you're a stalker?
Right or left?
Right seems to be the popular direction.
If I'm supposed to find her, I...
I have to look where no one else is searching.
[scoffs] Douche bag.
The effect of the weed forest is wearing off.
Oh, my God.
[crying] It's Alice. Uh...
Quentin, look, I...
I know how you feel, man.
Before, when your wards were slipping, I...
No, hey, no, no. Listen.
You--you can't... you can't puss out right now.
Think about Alice. She needs you, man.
I need you.
[clears throat, exhales deeply]
So I've been thinking.
Is 100 feet really tall enough for Alice's memorial?
We weren't her friends, remember?
We owe it to her... because we weren't her friends.
We don't have the money.
Let's build it ourselves.
Look, what Margo said about me was true.
So if--if you want to bail, now's your chance.
Well, you do have questionable judgment.
I mean, we're best bitches, right?
For better or for worse.
Wait a minute.
I know why Marina wanted me to find the book.
It's a necromancy spell.
As in bring back to life?
No, no f*cking way.
She killed my mother.
Look, the effects are unstable.
It'll only last a few minutes, and then she goes away again.
Fine. Let's defrost the bitch.
It says the last ingredient is the book itself.
Then we got one chance.
Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's okay. It's okay.
[shivering] My skin is so cold.
It's okay. Look at me, please.
You--you brought me back--
You had a message you wanted to tell me.
I'm gonna die.
We don't have that much time.
You don't understand. You don't know where I was.
I don't want to go back there. I don't want to go back there.
Marina, your clock is running out, okay?
Please, you are the strongest person that I have ever met.
I need you to pull it together now, and I need you to tell me.
I need you to tell me about the thing that killed you.
You can stop him, Julia.
It is possible, but you need to do it.
[sobbing] You need to do it.
What do I need to do?
There was... a girl.
40 years ago, she banished Reynard from Earth.
That's where he was until you summoned him.
That's where he was until you brought him back.
I'm sorr--I'm sorry.
Are you gonna?
What's the deal?
I don't know. She's kind of ignoring me.
Yo, White Lady, we caught you.
Hey, show some respect.
Pardon me... Miss Lady?
Uh, sorry. Uh...
Why have you come?
That's my arrow.
You have to give me what I ask.
Obviously, you turd.
Look at you.
Someone's been rebuilt... and so cleverly.
Could you not?
Here's a riddle.
How much do you have to lose before you're no longer yourself?
I don't know. Why don't you tell me?
What is it, Quentin Coldwater, that you ache for?
You have a crown and the power to reshape the very ether to your whim.
What else could you possibly want?
Um, technically speaking, uh, we both caught you, so...
Shut up. I'll ask for your thing with my third wish.
No. We each get a wish, and then we have one mutually agreeable third wish.
You can each have one wish, or you can f*ck off.
Bring her back to life...
What do you mean you can't?
You are not the only magical creature in this f*cking forest.
And we all have limits.
We can give you anything.
But we cannot pierce that veil.
Alice is gone.
I want my hands back.
That I can do.
What did you do to him?
That screaming was irritating.
He'll wake when he's healed.
Now, I can't nap until I've granted your wish.
I'd like to be happy. Could you do that?
I can do wonders.
But you should know... there's nothing I can give you that will soothe your Shade.
There's only what I can take away.
You'd take away my memories of Alice?
Yes. I would free you completely.
You are wiser than you appear.
You would find your way back to sadness, no matter how far you run from it.
Well, that's comforting.
Is there nothing else you desire?
Everything I've ever wanted, I've got.
Magic is real, and it can fix anything except what I need.
I loved a girl.
My entire life... I've dreamed of Fillory, that I would be like Martin Chatwin.
I'd find a way to stay here forever.
Send me home.