02x06 - The Cock Barrens

Previously on "The Magicians" Alice, whose house is this exactly?

- Alice?

- Hi, Dad.

- You know how I feel about Mom.

- Fine.


Ugh, I just feel like I'm being pulled back into this version of me when I was, like, 12 and furious and invisible and mute.

You cure your own hands just fine, but mine, you can't do a f*cking thing about, huh?

There are other options.

You can travel to Fillory.

Go there, get this.

I'll do what I can.

You may address me as Reynard the Fox.

Reynard is targeting hedges.

There was a girl.

Forty years ago, she banished Reynard from Earth.

I still don't know what I'm looking for.

Any sort of strange event or aberration.



- The test was positive.

- f*ck!

Yeah, so let's just get this pesky abortion out of the way.


- [groans.]

- [screams.]

I'm Bayler, a proud soldier of Fillorians United.

I'm not a Fu Fighter anymore.

Help us, or I go to your king, and tell him exactly how well I know his wife.

Then I'll tell him myself.

- [shouts.]

- What is she doing?

She can't.

She'll niffin out.


Your turn.

- Quentin says go free.

- Alice!

[rasping indistinctly.]



[dramatic music.]

[mouths words.]

Um Remind me again what summoning Alice's niffin has to do with the-- tai chi--I mean, ballet.

- [groans.]

- Ooh.

God, he should never do that move again.

It's niffin bait.

You have to call to them at their point of their transformation with something personal.

Oh It's a s*x thing.

No, it's Cirque Du Soleil.

You know Cirque Du Soleil?

You and Alice had s*x to Cirque Du Soleil?

No, it was something I would do to cheer her up when she was sad.

It made her laugh.


That just made my heart hurt a little.

- Shut up.

- I was being sincere.

Does he have the box?

I mean, what if this actually works?

Yes, but be warned, he wants to try to reason with her.

She was working on some sort of reversal spell.

He thinks he can somehow finish it.

He's convinced she wants him to.

Oh, Jesus.


Okay, I'm starting over.

No, Q, stop.

If Alice was still a niffin-- if she was still here-- You've been at this an hour.

You can't summon her, because she's gone.

It's just I saw her-- it felt so real.

Why don't we get you back to the castle, huh?

Some rest, some food.

And hey, there's an entire kingdom's-worth of problems to distract you.

We really are beset, and could use your help.

- I hear you, I'm just-- - Good, vamanos.

Her memorial is tomorrow.

I should go and look her parents in the eye-- tell them how she died.

And then I'll come back to Fillory, and I'll be a king.

I promise.

Can I trust you with this?

No offense, Q, you're a little crazy right now.

Maybe, but yeah.


[somber music.]

[goat bleats.]

Ah, the sacrifice.

Uh, the plinth is in the backyard.

Follow me.

Just, uh, watch the rug.


Daniel reconfigured the entire house, and still everywhere I look, I see something that Alice touched.

My children loved me.

- I was a good mother.

- You were, Stephanie, you were.

- So much better than my mother.

- Of cour-- What have I done to deserve this?


Um, hi.

[sinister percussive music.]


Alice Are you really there?




You're kind of freaking me out.

I mean, I love you, but you're very ghost-like right now, so [sniffles.]


I can't.


Okay, okay [sobs.]


Eliot and Margo are right.

You're-- she's gone, and you're a little crazy.


[door opens.]

Or not.

[eerie music.]



[sinister music.]


Just don't jump out at me, okay?


Is that you?

Uh, sorry, Mr.

Q-- or Daniel.


Give me a hug.

How on earth did you get into my private study?

Uh There's, um, something going on.


Yeah, got it.

Tell them I'm Hannah's daughter, and this is an emergency.

Can you just tell her to call me, please?

- Hey.

- Hey.

Uh, I mixed up your dose.

It's on the counter.



To all the heroine I am not taking.


- Mm.

- Did you get the pickles?


[clicks tongue.]

You found something.

August 19th, 1976, 7:00 a.


An unseasonal hailstorm hit the Northeast.

Nothing too crazy, right?

An hour later, a tidal wave slammed into Miami.

Hour after that, hurricanes struck both the coasts of Peru, Chile.

I mean, something rippled down the entire hemisphere, and if you follow the chain reaction back to its source Hoboken, New Jersey?

Nothing ever starts in Hoboken, New Jersey.

Well, on August 19th, some time before dawn, this happened.

Industrial park burned to the ground.

No one could explain what caused the fire, or why it left one single building standing untouched with a perfect circle of burn around it.

[bird chirping.]


Thank you.




- Eliot, I need to talk to you.

- Oh, thank you.

It's about that Fu Fighter in the dungeon.

What the actual all-encompassing f*ck is this?

Your majesty, you said you wanted - a unicorn milk latte.

- I was joking.

Wait, you milked a unicorn?

So listen, about Bayler Holy sh1t, the walking plot twist returns.

- Hi, I need something.

- Shocker.

Hey, Fen, look who it is.

Uncy Penny.

That's right, I knocked her up.

No big deal.

Uh, congratulations?

Like I needed more people calling me daddy, but yes, thanks.

We're thrilled.

Uh Fen, um, could you give us just like one moment, please?

- Yeah, so I'm here-- - I heard-- you heard Alice.

I know you two were close.

Please shut up.

I am trying to ask if you are okay.

Are you okay?


I need to know where your Dicranium Scoparium Majorus grows.

Are you having a seizure?



Fix my hands.

You got a royal botanist or something?

Oh, well, um, we did, but apparently he sort of got eaten on the job.

By what?

A--a plant?


I hate this place.

Try the royal map-maker.

- [sighs.]

- Love ya.

So she's only shown herself to me that I know of.

I don't know.

Maybe I'm tuned into her ghost channel or something, or maybe it has something to do with this.

I don't know.

- I believe you.

- You do?

I know my daughter.

She's trying to protect us.

Seeing her like that would be very upsetting for her mother and me, but she led you to this for a reason.

Uh, Alice called a couple of months ago about some ghost children trapped in an estate in England.

- The Plover estate.

- Yes, yes, that's the one.

I was delighted to help.

Got a hold of this, planned to give it to her when she had the time to visit, but then Well, anyway, you see the ancients had many ways of dealing with ghosts out of necessity back then.

Alice's Ka, her soul, is not at rest, but it can be.

Now, one ancient civilization that really mastered the whole getting-one's- soul-to-rest thing-- The Egyptians.

Wait, are you seeing that Alice wants us to build-- Ecce.

In pyramis.

Oh, my God.

What's going on?

Just another day in the office?

[horns play.]

Your majesties, the much-venerated Emissaries of our neighbors to the north.

I present Prince Ess of Loria.

I'm sorry Princess?

Please, call me Ess.

Prince Ess.


Oh, my God.

f*ck your parents, dude.

We got a problem.

You guys have been f*cking sh1t up - for over half a century.

- Okay.

- This is how Lorians talk?

- And look The Prince speaks fluent Earth.

Rumor has it his mother is from, uh, Cincinn-ah-ti.

Until The Beast drained the Wellspring.

And then--oh, yeah-- you jokers let Ember take a dump-- Get to your point.

Loria depends on the Wellspring's tributaries, but now their magic's jacked.

Not enough.

Crops, rivers, entire species are affected.

- You dicked us over.

- No.

We're trying to fix it, so Great, then this should be easy.

I'm here to propose a treaty between our two kingdoms.

A 50/50 split of the Wellspring.

And to seal the alliance, I, Crown Prince of Loria, offer my hand in marriage to the Virgin Queen Margo.

Um okay.

- Did he just call me a virgin?

- Bambi, please, let me.

[clears throat.]

Ess, thank you.

We will consider your generous offer.

- No, we will not.

- Margo, please.

Listen, Princess, I'm not a sharer, so why don't you walk yourself and your un-ironic furs out of my castle?

All right then.

Plan B.


- Seriously?

A wand?

- Guards!


Listen, I'm friends with the High King, okay?

I'll make it worth your while if you just show me - where the goddamn moss grows.

- I told you, I'll draw your map for you next Thurs-- [ground rumbles.]

[dramatic percussive music.]


Oh, this is bad.

This is very bad.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Do you understand that castle's full of people?

Do you understand there isn't a single accurate map of this entire place now?


[dynamic percussive music.]

What the-- [sparks ignite.]

sh1t is radioactive.

Your majesties, welcome to Loria.

[foreboding music.]

You kidnapped our castle?

I'll put it back, as soon as you come around to my offer.

So many hostages.

I wouldn't try anything if I were you.



The rest of you, hang here.

- sh1t.

- [sighs.]

- sh1t.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay.

I'll jump in the doppel-banger, - and I'll find someone who can-- - What?

- Travel here and help?

- Yes.

Q took the button to some godforsaken 'burb.

No, you're not leaving me in a castle full of barbarian frat bros.


Okay, fine, but while we're talking about them, you could've been a little diplomatic.

By agreeing to marry a complete stranger on the spot?

I did it.

- That was different.

- [scoffs.]

You're right, this would only really be equivalent if Ess was a girl, and you found pussy, you know, interesting in a sometimes- you-like-Thai-food kinda way, and now it's all Thai food forever till you die.

No, he's a man, who seems arrogant and entitled and unclear on the concept of consent.

I can't imagine what could possibly go wrong.

Look, I'm not saying do it.

It's just-- You're a queen.

I'm a king.

We don't necessarily marry for love.

It's part of the job.

Fine, I'll talk to him, but only to negotiate us out of this epic clusterfuck.

I'm staying a virgin.

40 years ago, everything burned down except this building.

Wait a minute.


[thick rips.]


No way is this sigil 40 years old.

I mean, hardly anything stays hot that long.

Yeah, except blood.

Human blood.

And if that's what it is, it's the DNA of whoever cast the banishing, so let's hope, right?


[chisel scraping.]

- How long does it take?

- It should work right away.

It's been decades.

I mean, whoever did the banishing could be dead by now.

They're--they're probably dead.

[phone buzzes.]

Oh, sh1t, it's her.

It--it's my mom's contact.

Okay, hey, head home, wait, okay?

I gotta go.

She can help with the baby situation.


[speaking indistinctly.]

[birds chirping.]

The "pyramides" of Giza provide an excellent blueprint-- specifically, the one Khufu built to house the soul of his son, Kawab, valiantly slain in battle.

Yes, here.


- [grunts.]

- Quentin, let's, uh-- let's not bring Stephanie into this just yet.

It's too much for her.

Listen, Daniel, I thought maybe you'd wanna hear about - what happened to Alice.

- Uh, no [stammers.]

A blood relative must coax the spirit with a bit of mirror magic.

Look into the mirror, paint a True Image of the deceased with my words.

But first Uh, Quentin, uh, you go up, hang the mirror.

Oh, and--and, uh, first, uh, memorize this.

- Recite it when you're up there.

- Oh, this looks like Arabic, - but not-- - Yes, uh, Egyptian Arabic.


Okay [sighs.]

Well, my Egyptian Arabic is a little rusty.

No, you'll--you'll be fine.

Just whatever you do, don't let the mirror shatter.

I've already enchanted it.

Now, we've only got one shot.

Well, then Daniel, I think that you should do it.

- [sighs.]

You--you do it.

- No.

I mean, if that's important, and we only have one shot-- Now Q--Quentin, please, just--you.



Give me a minute with this.

Oh, my God.

There you are.

[engine hums.]

[phone trills.]

[phone trills.]

[phone jingles.]

- Who are you?

- [gasps.]

Why did you follow me?


My name is Julia.

I need your help.

It's Reynard.

He's back.

- How?

- I-- Look, it's a long story.

It was a mistake.

- He hurt you too, didn't he?

- Okay, I'm sorry.

I'm--I--I-- I cannot help you.


Wait, I am pregnant.

[dramatic music.]

- He - Don't worry, the thing will never be born.

I don't care if I have to jump off a building.

But I cannot let him do this to another woman.

You banished him once.

All I am asking is for you to teach me how to do it.

I think you better come inside.


[faucet runs.]


Oh, sh1t.

[sinister music.]

Well Alanis Morissette.

- Alice loved that cat.

- Okay, but why-- I've always had a terrible fear of heights.

One day, Alanis Morissette got stuck on the roof.

Alice begged me to get her down, but I couldn't, and honestly, I-- I yelled at her, because sometimes that is what one does when one is ashamed.

And the cat did not end well.

I don't know if Alice ever forgave me for not being brave enough.

Maybe she will now.


No, Daniel, you don't have to do that.

Look, I can do it.

No, I can do it.

For Alice.


[recites Arabic.]


Oh Whoa.


- [groans.]

- Daniel.


- [laughter.]

- Yeah, right?

- And then they came across.

- Whoo.


Are you kidding me?

Rhaffat jaras.


So when's the wedding?

If we forgo the marriage, I'm willing to grant you periodic access to the Wellspring-- You think this is a negotiation?

No marriage, no treaty no castle back.

Okay, Conan, let me explain to you how marriage works where I come from.

Oh, spare me.

I know.

My mother shipped me off to Exeter when I was 16.


Fancy New England boarding school?

Had a dorm full of future senators convinced I was an exchange student from Iceland.

Point is I get it.

I'm shockingly progressive for a Lorian.

We get married, I'd still let you speak in public.

- I'd make sure that you-- - Jesus, I'm not marrying you.

You think I wanna marry a virgin?

- This is purely political.

- Oh, my God.

I'm not a virgin.


Look, I've had the best in Loria, - and Lorians are the best - Hm.

So either way you're a virgin to me, sweetheart.

I'm not your sweetheart, and I'm certain that I can bang circles around your boring little Lorian hoes, 'cause I'm a very smart, very liberated woman, and when I set my mind to something, I master it.

And you've mastered what?

Never touching a man?

Not touching, touching [gasps.]

I'm good at both.

Oh, you want me to stop?


Say it, or I'll stop.

Don't stop.

Beg me.

I like you.

So you waited until now to tell me about you and Bayler?

I've been trying to tell you.

It's been a little insane today.

I'm not trying to keep secrets from you.

That's my point.

Eliot, please understand.

I had a life before you came.

I had no idea if you even would come.

Fillory is my home, and I care about it.

- So you became a terrorist?

- [sighs.]

We're not violent.

I'd call your ex-boyfriend trying to strangle me - a little bit violent!

- He's not my-- We were close, yes, but hurting people was never the plan.

- I have no idea who you are.

- I'm your wife.

- Because your father made you.

- I could've walked out of here - a long time ago.

- Then why didn't you?

If you hate us so much-- if you hate me so much-- - why didn't you?

- Because I don't.

I believe in you.

You think I stayed, because you're just so deeply attracted to me?

I am a realist who wants you to succeed.

I want us to.


So what am I supposed to do with your good friend in the dungeon, huh?

You should keep him there.

I don't think you can trust him.

Do you think I can trust you?

I was 21.

It didn't seem so crazy back then to think I could summon the goddess, do good.

Yeah, that's what I wanted too.

I couldn't get rid of the baby either.


I wasn't the only one he raped that night, but I was the only one who got pregnant.

- So what did you do?

- I tried everything.

I even thought about killing myself, but I couldn't go through with it.

You had it?

I'd rather die.


I want to help you, Julia.

I can't banish Reynard again [whispers.]

but you can.

Where's your cat?

Oh, he's around here somewhere.

Come on.

Follow me.

[suspenseful music.]

You just wait right here, honey.

So sorry about this.


Late, Ms.


Sit, you have ten minutes to complete your midterm.


But--but I haven't studied.

Even I studied, and I'm dead.

Forgot your clothes too?





- I swear I was gonna study.

- What?

No, no, it's--it's me.

It's actually me.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, I'm asleep.

Uh, yeah, you must not be in imminent danger if you're napping, wherever you are.

Kidnapped, along with the entire castle.

Yeah, I know, there's a crater.

- Where are you?

- Loria.

Some canyon with these purple-ish rock things.

- Rock things?

What-- - Dicks, okay?

- They look like dicks.

- [laughs.]

Uh, full-sail or half?

Honestly, it's a variety pack out there.

Okay, uh, I got it.

I'll find you.

And Penny, if you ever tell anyone you saw this-- Ooh--oh, no-no-no-no-no, I'd never.

I, uh--I'd much rather have you owe me huge.


Scouring the room for a weapon?

You have a look in your eyes, that's all.

It's called resting bitch face.

The Cock Barrens of Loria.


Show me where.



Right there.

Look, I know this isn't gonna make anything any better.

I want you know that Alice died a hero.

It's funny-- these stories we tell, hmm?


You'd rather break both of your legs than have a conversation with me about this.

I can't stand to think about it.

Do me a favor, get me a tall glass of whatever looks strongest.

You're on a lot of painkillers.

My daughter is dead.

- [sighs.]

- [sighs.]

[glass clanks.]

[water pours.]

- [gasps.]

- Let me guess - God.

- My husband said, "Don't bother me, because I'm too crazy right now.

" Come on.

We gonna finish this or what?



[fly buzzes.]


- What--what are-- - [shushes.]

What is that?

- Don't be scared.

- [grunts.]

I don't know what you want from me, okay?


I want you to start by understanding something, and I--I--I don't expect you to like the idea of this, but you're going to have that baby.


- What the--that is insane.

- Believe me, I know, but that little demigod growing inside of you is like a tiny nuclear reactor.

You have one chance to harness that power when you give birth.

- Then I don't want that power.

- Yes, you do, because that's how I banished Reynard, and that's how you'll do it too, while in labor with his child.



Not your choice anymore.

[hammer thuds, glass shatters.]

[speaking Hebrew.]

Thank you.

Kady, they may be able to help your friend with her problem, but listen, I would never ever do business with them if I had a choice.

Be careful with people like this, Maminke.

You don't want to wind up like your mother.


[both speaking Hebrew.]

This is Julia.

Leave a message.


This place is warded up the ass.



[distressed breathing.]

- sh1t.

- [sniffing.]

[ominous music.]

Um, thank you?

You're trapped here too, aren't you?

[footsteps in the distance.]

[door opens.]


So if--if I had this baby, would it be like-- [laughs.]

That's not my baby.

- That's my Haxenpaxen.

- What?

My Haxenpaxen.

I caught it.

Smells unfortunate, but just imagine what it's giving off magically.

Not even a trickster can find us.

We're invisible while we're near him.

Do have to occasionally stock up on food and kitty litter, though.

How you found me, I suppose.

- So if that's not your child-- - My child is safe.

He'll never know who he really is.

He doesn't even know who I am.

I made sure of it.

It's for the best.

He's a good man, Julia.

An influential man.


[doorknob clanks.]

[door creaks open.]

[suspenseful music.]



Your magic is no good here.

- [wallops.]

- Oh!


Oh, God, what's with Stink-master Flash?

Free him too.

He's coming with us.

Must've been some negotiation.

Say I did marry him-- - say I-- - Stop, forget what I said.

This whole marriage thing is absurd.

You have no idea who the other person is.

- It's dangerous.

- If it's that bad, - have her killed.

- I can't.

We just made a human together.

And the worst is between the whole lying back and thinking of Fillory, I started to actually like her.

El, what's going on?

One life-altering crisis at a time.

What do you wanna do about the princess?

It's your choice.

I just want what's best for you.



I went to the exact spot.

No castle--nothing there.

- It has to be some other dongs.

- There are no more dongs.

That's the only spot the castle could be.

Yeah, well, it doesn't make any sense unless-- [eerie tones.]


God, please don't let me be wrong about this.

You guys have been so royally f*cked with.

You won't believe where you've been this whole time.


Now you only get one shot, okay?

So remember, you have to tell the truth.

I've got this, Quentin.

- Relax.

- Okay.


Oh Alice-- she needed a strong female role model.

She was so lucky to have me for that.

You have to tell the truth.

But that is the truth.

Alice was complicated.

She never figured out how to be a woman.

That's not the truth-- not for Alice.

Don't be ridiculous.

This is just Alice up to her usual tricks.

She was always so hard on me.

This is not about you.

Will you just for once in your life put yourself in your daughter's shoes?

What do you want me to say?


That I never understood her?

And that I never really tried?

I didn't know having a daughter would be this hard.

I resented her sometimes.


- I j--I just need a minute.

- No.

- I--[crying.]

- No.

Come on, we've gotta finish it.




[ominous music.]


I cast a niffin summoning and you didn't come.



You're wrong.

I was right there.

Oh, Quentin.

We're gonna have so much fun, just like we did with my parents.


I killed you.

My cacodemon-- Your cacodemon wasn't powerful enough to kill me.

It tried, but when it saw that it couldn't win-- well, let's just say it stuffed me in a place most convenient.

That stupid tattoo trap on your back.


We're stuck with each other.


Oh, God.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.



- [laughs.]

- Oh!

Oh, God.

Too slow.


Dana in the flesh.

I'd heard you were dead.

You hid well.

I'm impressed.

What happened?

You slipped up.


I think you have some apologizing to do.

- [gasps.]

- Don't you?

[suspenseful music.]

I have reached my decision.

I will marry the Prince of Loria, on one condition.

I want a tour of his kingdom right now.

Wedding first, then a tour.

Last tree, and done.

[sky rumbles.]

Oh, no.

No-no-no-no-no-no-no- no-no-no-no-no-no.


This is the worst day of my life.

I know, right?

Crazy illusion magic.

So, hey, what do you think about making that-- Map.

- You drew it for me.

- Yes.

I made an exception.

Thank you.

- You're still batshit crazy, man.

- I heard that.

Margo, please.

- You f*cked with us.

- Mm-hmm, yes, he did.

- You f*cked with our castle.

- Amen, sister.

And now we're gonna put our Jimmy Choos so far up your ass, you're gonna taste next season.

Exactly, whatever that means.

Because the High King and I hereby declare war on the kingdom of Loria.


Wait Really?

[dramatic percussive music.]