02x11 - The Rattening

Previously on The Magicians

My hands won't cast.

- We can help you, Penny.

- What's the catch?

"Bound in service to the library up to and after my death"?

- That isn't just any door.

- Then what is it?

The Poison Room.

There is knowledge behind that door that could destroy more than just people.

It could destroy worlds.

"The Ars Deicidium"?

"The art of killing gods.

" King Idri is our honored guest.

We're getting married.

One big, royal polyamorous family.

The fairies can bring back the wellspring?

They can.

And in return?

The child that grows in the womb of the High King's wife.

Some friends and I summoned a goddess.

You may address me as Reynard the Fox, trickster of the very stupid.

Reynard's son is John Gaines?

My son Jules, I talked to your shade.

She's not gone.

So where is she?

Shades go to the Underworld.

The living can access the Underworld with the help of a Gatekeeper.

An Ancient One.

I think I figured out what an Ancient One is.

Look, Q, you don't have to come with me.

In fact, I don't think that you should.

Noted, but I'm coming.

You feel the energy coming off that?

Yeah, also the stink.

I don't know, my ancient Greek is a little rusty.

"The old reveals itself to the new at the fall of milk teeth.

" Milk teeth?

Oh, baby teeth.

You think we have to stick one in to open it up?

I mean, I could write a spell.

Uh, we could find the nearest child's house expecting the Tooth Fairy and-- Break in and steal their teeth?

I'd leave money.

Uh, I hate to bring this up, but I actually-- I still have one a molar that never came in.

Oh, I know an extraction spell.


- f*ck!

- Sorry.

This dragon better be f*cking cool.

Hmm Or not.


[tense music]

I wouldn't have guessed baby teeth.

Why would a dragon want baby teeth?

- sh1t.

- I collect baby teeth.

As I collect many things, little mammal.

Uh, greetings, your Ladyship.

"Your Ladyship"?

I am a Queen of the Great Worms.

Of course you are.

Uh, that's awesome--I wasn't suggesting that you weren't.

Your manner does not endear me to you, human.

We seek passage to the Underworld, oh Ancient One.


You seek to die.

Uh, no, actually, we were hoping to come back after.

Suit yourself.

I require a gift.

A gift?

Um yeah, I mean, name it, and we'll get it for you.

You already have it.

It's in your pocket.


Pick something else.

No, if it gets you your Shade back-- No.

Fillory is your home.

And what about your friends?

What if they need you?

We can't.

Queen of the Great Worms.

What if I, uh, needed to borrow it in the future, just super briefly?


If you wish to return home, you must find other means.

The first door remains open, little mammal.

Great, um, I super love riddles.

Are you giving me the button or not?

Your bodies will stay here, and your souls will travel.

You have 24 hours to return to the portal.


I sit patiently, waiting for you to come back.

No, I eat you--I'm a f*cking dragon, what do you expect?

Great, good to know.

Then it's settled.

[wind blowing]

[both coughing]

Jesus, a little warning next time.


Q, look.

Time to go.

f*cking millennials.

[elevator dinging]

[elevator door chimes]

[lounge music]

Welcome to the Underworld.

Please take a number.

The f*ck?

[whimsical music]


Idri is almost here.

And does anyone know where Fen is?

[trumpets blare]

I present King Idri of Loria.

My life is perfect.


[snaps fingers]

Josh--wine, canapés.

I said have it ready.

We have a lovely blend of-- Ahem.


And where are the fire dancers?

- I don't know.

- [sighs]

I'm sorry, I had a whole thing-- Your Majesty, this presentation is beautiful, but It would be so much better with fire dancers, I know.

I hope my arrival isn't causing undue stress.


- I'm not stressed-- - Eliot.

- I don't care about ceremony.

- You don't?

- But-- - But I came here for you.


Well the feeling's mutual.

Take me somewhere we can become a bit better acquainted.


Congratulations, you're dead.

You've passed through the veil to the Underworld.

Is this your final destination?


It's the first leg of your journey.

We designed this part of the Underworld for you, based on your life and personal expectations to facilitate a comfortable transition.

You've been grouped with others who have similar expectations.

Perfect, right?

- [inhales sharply]


- What?

Settle into this next stage of your existence.

In the unlikely event you're missing your Shade, please report to a bellhop immediately.

Enjoy your wait.

I guess we need to find a bellhop.

Security, we have a Shade-less patron!



- Take him away.

- Why?

Where are you taking me?

- Thank you, thank you.

- Read me my rights!

Hey, let go!

Wait, ow!

Or, you know, we take a beat.

I'm 173.

Place your hands on the counter for identification, please.

Hey, do you know where they were taking that guy just now?

Oh, his soul is missing a little piece.

They just took him somewhere where he would be more comfortable.

So he could be reunited with it?

I doubt it, that's very difficult to do.

Especially after a prolonged separation.

Yeah, but you can't just take-- I assure you, all the Shades are safe and well protected for their eternity.

Nothing to worry over.

Ah, here we are.

Wicker and Coldwater.


Oh, my.

- What?

- You've both died 39 times.

Aha--time loop.

Thought so.

Our computers do not handle these well.

This will take a bit to sort out.

Once you're in the system, we'll reunite you with your immediate karmic circle, but until then, I'll need to stick you somewhere.

Do you like skiing?

Look, I thought this was just a waystation.

- We're kind of in a hurry-- - Oh, it is.

But souls do stay a while, until they're ready to move on.


Art museums?

Actually, is it possible to check on a few names?

I think I might have a karmic circle we could visit.

You're making progress.

Am I?

Nothing's happening.

It's an exceedingly difficult way to do magic.

Trying to isolate muscles not generally associated with-- Call it what it is.

Sphincter magic.

Gets me there, no shame.

And if it doesn't, we all need a healthy pelvic floor.

Now, I'm afraid study time is over.

I have your next job.

- Re-shelving books.

- Great.

Any questions, direct them to-- where'd she go?

- Sylvia!

- What?


Penny, Sylvia.

Sylvia, Penny.

So what, I'm babysitting now?

Oh, no.

Sylvia is your supervisor.

Good luck, I'll check back.

Nice scarf.

Anyway, I married Fen because I had to.

But I didn't know her at all.

And now I don't know you.

My wife used to say, there's one way to learn to be with another person.

The hard way?

Actually, yes.

Stand up.

Would you mind removing this?

Buttons, too, please.

- What are you doing?

- Shh.

This is a lesson.

All of them.


[piano melody]

I really hate to bring this up, but you do realize there's nothing we can actually do.

Oh, I know.

And yet, there's so much we can do.

I can't touch you, you can't touch me, but I can tell you how I want to touch you.

And you can show me how you like to be touched.

I admire your commitment to education.

If you're waiting for my permission, don't.

What the f*ck?

[woman screaming]

Eliot, Heloise just turned into a rat!


Who is that?

[screaming continues]

I'm not getting laid tonight, am I?

- This is all of them?

- We can't be sure.

So many people have vanished and there are so many rats in the castle already.


Well, one of 'em has to be Fen.

Okay, bottom line it for me.

What the f*ck is going on?

I'm sorry, Your Highness.

But this magic, I've never seen it before.


If you can hear me, squeak.

Let me know you're okay.


Why didn't I study how to speak rat in school?

Okay, search the castle.

Find every rat.

And then Council meeting.

Or what's left of the Council.

[lively music]

[heavy breathing]

[both moaning]


What do we call that?

Mm - In-sex-tion?

- [laughs]


- Incepti-sex.

- [giggles]


" I like that.

That said, I like real life better.


But at least this way, we don't have to get up for beers.


Thank you.

So, no pressure, but any word on the Poison Room?

Believe me, I want to get in there.

It's--it's above my pay grade.

I need a code to get in.

Well, what about that librarian?

Oh, man, if she has the code, it is locked down tighter than a nun's pussy.

Right, of course it is.

Hey, does she have a book of her?

Everyone has a book.

You're thinking If the room is that important-- It's in her book.


I can work on that.

Hey, what's up with the Senator?

He went back to work.

He made up some bullshit excuse about the kidnapping.

All the news outlets bought it.

But hey, get this-- I saw Reynard in the back of a press photo.

In a suit, like an advisor or something.

Are you kidding me?

He's a trickster.

Guess that includes his own son.

Jesus Christ.

[tense music]

We can't get one more vote?

We're in touch with Matthews, Bauer, Wheeler.

Just give 'em a couple of days, they'll come to their senses.

Call in Senator Cowden.

Why bother?

He won't budge.

We can change his mind.

Trust me.


Everyone, give us a minute.

So they're taking your orders now?

Have been for a while.

I controlled their minds.

Just like you have, many, many times.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You know you have that power.

You've been using it your whole life.

I always thought I had some kind of god-level good luck.

True, you've only used it instinctively, but I'm here now.

I can teach you how to use it at will.


And once you've mastered it, that's how you get Cowden's vote.

I don't know that I want to do that.

- It feels like cheating.

- They all don't cheat?

Everyone uses whatever they've got, John, and the bad ones don't hesitate.

So someone like you, someone who wants to do some actual good in the world, how can you not?

Here's all you have to do.

Look at me.

You look him straight in the eye, and you tell him, plainly.


That's it?

It's that simple.

Good luck with the meeting, Senator.

[lively music]

[laughter, cheering]

Why would anyone want their afterlife to look like a terrible middle school birthday party?

Is this about your "incident"?

- I moved on.

- Have you?

- Julia?

- Julia!

- Julia!

- Oh, welcome!


Where's Bender?

Is he okay?

He's great.

He moved on.

Uh, who's your friend, and what's his shoe size?

Uh, we're not really here to bowl.

Kid, the first rule of being dead, if you're here, ya bowl.

We're actually not dead, either.

Uh, we're here because we need your help.





It's--it's good to see you, Richard.

- I mean, the real you.

- The real me?

What happened?

I need your help.

I need to find my Shade.


The underworld is massive.

There's every ecosystem.

Nearest we can tell, about 2,000 islands built to look like Hawaii.

And you went with a bowling alley?

f*ck yeah.

And the powers that be are into whatever helps us settle in so that we can move on.

Ow, yeah!


- "Powers that be"?

- Yeah.


We were right about them being real.

Hades created the Underworld, runs it with his wife, Persephone.

They live in a big house way over here.

It's a beautiful area called Elysium.

Apparently, they used to come and go like clockwork every fall and spring, but a while back, they just disappeared.

Wait, why are you doing all this, Richard?

I know you.

This is a project.

I'm trying to find my son.

I don't know where he is, if he's even still here.

But he's got to be somewhere.

And they won't tell me a damn thing.

Why not?

I'm flagged as culpable in his death.

There are rules.

And friends to help me break them.


Okay, so wait, so where do they keep the Shades?

Sorry, we don't know that yet.

So we're flying blind?

Hun, you're gonna have to bowl.

No, look, I had an incident when I was a kid.

- My fingers got stuck in the-- - Oh, get over it.

Your girl would.

- She's not my girl.

- No sh1t.

She's tough as granite.

And you're afraid to bowl.



How long before the dragon eats you and Quentin?

Tomorrow morning.

Always the one to tell the impossible to go f*ck itself, huh?

Yeah, well, it doesn't always listen.

They'll know where the Shades are kept at reception.

I don't know, they didn't seem too keen on helping out a person who looked like this.

sh1t, it seems to be closing up much faster down here.

Okay, so we hurry.

But just--not for nothing, reception isn't keen to help much of anyone--I can't count the number of times I've been kicked out of there, trying to find my little boy.

- I have an idea.

- Oh, my God, Julia!

I--I got a strike.


Yeah, Q!

The thing about the Underworld is, the first week, it's always a strike.

Let him have this one.


Go, Q!

- [laughs]

- Ow!


[tense music]

- You wanted to talk?

- You lying son of a bitch.

You turned Fen into a rat, along with half the castle.

Fen is in her human form, in the Fairy Realm.

And she was taken because you tried to get clever with our deal.

So you turned half my staff into snake food?

- That wasn't the fairies.

- Oh.

Well, it sure smells like their whimsical bullshit.


" It's the mark of the stupid and the arrogant to attack what you can't comprehend.


Get it out of your system.

Then if you know what's going on, just tell me.

I take it back.

You're not entirely simple-minded.

There's another power, which you made the mistake of overlooking.

You want to be specific, or not?

A power without logic.

A power that acts, not for gain, but solely because it can.

That's the true danger.

Face that.

Or face the end of your kingdom.

Uh, hey.

- I got a question for you.

- Of course.

How can I help?

You know, I never got your name.

You may call me Head Librarian.


And, uh what do I get to call you outside of work?

I see what you're getting at.

But interoffice courtship is expressly prohibited.

I'm flattered, but rules are rule.

Are they?


Penny, please don't take it personally, but you're not my type.

You're a touch emotionally insecure, for which you compensate heavily with boisterousness and foul language.

I'm here if you need anything else.


- Hey, guys.

- Mr. Corrigan.

Uh, Mr. Corrigan, you have no need to be in here.

Just a couple of questions.

- I'm gonna take a number.

- Please, sir.

Um, you know what, I'm gonna take a couple of numbers, just in case I don't-- I don't hear the first number.

Yeah, wow, you guys got a lot of numbers.

Mr. Corrigan, I beseech you.

Oh, no, does this thing run out of numbers?

- There we go.

- Playtime's over, Mr. Corrigan.

I'm not playing, I really have questions.

Quite the jokester you are.

That is it.

- Security!

- Don't call security, Thomas.

- Security!

- Oh, no, security.

- They're on their way.

- No, no, no.

I'm just getting a number here.

Ha ha, very funny.

Does this thing run out of numbers?

It's locked.



- "Disconnected Shade.

" - Where?

It doesn't say.

Just says "E.

" Another one, "disconnected Shade, 'E.

'" Wait, if they all say "E" - Elysium.

- Yes.

Okay, great, it's the complete opposite end of the Underworld.

Take him away for disciplinary processing.

- Thank you.

- There's no need, guys.

Okay, you got me.

Hope you had some fun to make your confinement worthwhile.

Oh, what's a few weeks out of eternity?

[exciting music]

This is books for school kids.

If it's so important, finding me that five mil can't be too hard.

I'm not adding another amendment.

You invited me in.

You knew what you were getting into.


[tense music]

You're going to support this bill.

In fact, your yes will be the first vote cast.

John, this bill should've been passed a long time ago.

And I'm sorry for trying to drag you into the ditch on this.

You have my vote.

Then I thank you for your help.

You all right?


Let me get you some water.

I--I must've stood up too fast.

- Here you go.

- [groans]

I--I need to make a-- Becca!

Becca, get the doctor.

Get the doctor now!

John, I'm sorry but I think you're overestimating yourself, here.

No, honey, I'm being 100% literal.

I am not human, Cindy.

And I know it sounds ridiculous, but it is true.

Okay I think that you have been working too hard-- No, I haven't.

I haven't.

I am telling you the truth.

Because you are the one I trust.

You are the only one, really.

And I really just need your support right now, babe.

Of course, honey.

I apologize.

I know that you always find a way to do the right thing, and I am here for you.

Whatever you need.

[ominous music]

Now come on.

Let's go home.


[whimsical music]

[children giggling]

It's like a Shade orphanage.

We should hurry.

We're running out of time.

We should split up.

I kind of have a thing about splitting up in houses full of creepy kids.

Hey, can we ask you a question?

- Sure.

- What was that?

That you just did with the money?

For the little boy?

What little boy?

The little boy with the shitty dad.

He ran away.

And now he's cold and hungry.

He'll find it on the sidewalk any minute.

And that She's in a hospital room.

She's making them bloom.

It's a really obvious miracle, but that's okay.

The girl in the room is gonna die anyways.

So you're all making miracles.

Just little tiny ones, though.


Um, we were looking for a Shade.

- Her name's Julia.

- Yeah, uh, she looks like her.

Kind of.

Um, and-- Well, she's a-- she's a mess.

We all were when we got here.

Anything else?

Um, she's brave.

And funny, and she probably made friends with some of the most shy, maladjusted Shades.

She's curious, and she won't take no for an answer.

Are you looking for the kind of new one, who's always getting in trouble and sneaking into Ms. Persephone's room-- because, you know, we're never supposed to go in there.



Yeah, that does sound like her.

I just saw her.

This way.

[children giggling]

Up those stairs.

Last door.

[ominous music]

- Eugene?

- Yeah?

Who's that?

That's Ms.


She hasn't been here for a really long time and no one knows where she is.

Thank you so much for all your help.

That's Our Lady Underground.


The one that you So you were real all along, huh?

Just completely AWOL.

Self-centered bitch.

We were so stupid to love you.

Jules - I'm sorry.

- For what?

Look, I'm glad I know.

It's always better to know, Q.

You keep watch.

I'll sneak in and find the part of me that already snuck in.


We're under attack.

The Rattening, now reports of upside down rain.

Correct--as well as ant hills turning into volcanoes, the Balmy Sea turning to acid, and the mysterious disappearance of all blondes in the province of Crickety Cove.

The talking animals report this includes palomino horses.

Also, every chicken in Fillory has laryngitis.

Is there a pattern to any of this?

None that we can tell.

Only that whatever it is, it is increasing.

Idri's turned into a rat, so it isn't the Lorians.

We've incapacitated the FU Fighters.

That leaves the people in this room.

[tense music]

Your Highness?

If anyone has anything to say I'm embezzling funds from the royal treasury.

- Why did I just say that?

- Hah!

Because there's truth serum in this wine.

I've truthied you.

Anyone else?

Abigail and I have been using the castle guards to run an escort service.


But clever.

Doesn't help us.

Should've made this stronger.

It was me.

I made a deal with the fairies and I know where Fen is.

You got to be kidding me.

It's not your break.

So what?

You, uh--you gonna report me?

Answer a question, maybe I'll forget to.

What's your question?

You trying to f*ck that librarian?


I saw you.

You want to f*ck her.

You want to lick her butthole, huh?

Whoa, Jesus, no!

Then why are you scamming her so hard that I nearly blew you?

I just need her name, okay?

Oh, why didn't you ask?


The "S" stands for Shot, or maybe it's Schiff.

Let me know if you find anything gross in her book.

I have a feeling she's a total freak in the sack.


What's your deal?

- I have no deal.

- You're a child.

Okay, Grandpa, that's a little-- What are you even doing stuck here?

What do they have on you?


Okay, fine, they're protecting me.

Protecting you from what?

My dad is a businessman and sometimes his competition can get a little rough, so he sent me here.

- Like, he's a-- - Legitimate businessman.

Can we please not talk about it?

My God, you're like that whiny little kid in "The Sopranos," Willow.

Jesus Christ, you are so lame.


And her name was Meadow.

You truthied me?

I can't lie.

Eliot, I did this for you.

- There was no other way.

- Don't.

You started this when you declared war.

Now my wife and child are gone.

I need to deal with the rats.

I can't risk having to clean up your next mess.


No, Eliot.

- What are you doing?

- I don't know what else to do.

- Take her to the dungeon.

- No!

Eliot I'll fix this.

Make sure she gets the best room.

And see that she gets her coconut oil.

Good-bye, Margo.

[glass shatters]

Oh, sh1t!


[shimmering tone]


[ominous music]

I know you're in there.

Come out.

It's okay.

It's me.

Oh, my God.

Julia, I found her she's Quentin.

I missed you so much.

Oh, my God.


Are you okay?


Are you?

Not really.

Without you.

Did you get Reynard yet?

I'm trying.


She talks about him all the time.

Says he's a good guy.

Stupid sometimes, but good.

[sentimental music]

Is thereny way we can take her with us too?

I know you told security to keep me out, but then I suggested they let me in.

Stalemate, I guess.

Is this about Cowden?

I think you just overwhelmed him a little.

I know it's a lot, but it's worth it.

My wife.

Is anything about our relationship real?

I've been controlling her from the day we met, right?


Lucky her.

How is that?

She's a person.


And you're not.

The sooner you wrap your head around that-- No, no.

I don't want it.

You want to be President of this entire idiotic country.

You have always sensed your place.

Julia and Kady, they said you did terrible things.

I should've looked you up on the spot.

You didn't because I gently suggested you don't.

It's for your own good, kid.

So it's all true.

- Those poor women.

- [chuckles]

Those women were hardly victims.

They said they were just trying to summon a little help from some kind of goddess-- They were summoning an evil bitch!

You looked me up, says trickster.

See, that's honest.

Yes, I f*ck with the weak.

You know what that does?

Improves the herd.

I help the same little creatures you want to help.

It's not surprising, you're my son, how else could it be but her?

The benevolent "Our Lady Underground.

" It is all about her.

Power, attention, grinding men and gods into the f*cking dirt and then she leaves!

- You loved her.

- [laughs]

Guess there's some things you can't control, after all.

I can see you're upset.

But I need you to move past that.

Stop worrying about humans.

They're beneath you.

This is your birthright, son.

We're gonna do so much together.

[ominous music]

How'd you do it?

You know, turn me back?

A special Fillorian mint.

And about 50 straight minutes of casting, so I'm gonna need a minute to recharge.

You sure you don't want any clothes, or Eh.

Can't you get Margo to help?

You know, give you a break?

I kind of threw her in the dungeon.

Got ya.

Well, you'll run yourself dead, doing everything on your own.

Believe me, I know.

Pass some sh1t down the chain to the governors or the dukes or whatever.

You don't have any governors?

No dukes?

- Get you some delegates, son.

- Right, really good idea.

Select governors.

Yet another task for the High King.

Or you just hold an election.

Let the people pick their own, you do nada.

- That's-- - Stupid, is it stupid?

- I'm sorry.

- Brilliant, Josh.

I think you just invented democracy, and it's going to save Fillory.

Well, high five, brother.

[techno music]


- Eliot?

- What the hell?

Dude, I thought you were off being, like, the High King of Fillory?

I am.

I was.

I think I just got kicked out.

Of course her book is relocated to the Poison Room.


So what's our next move?

Admit I'm f*cking cursed?

Is this all you guys do?

Talk about your fee-fees?

I was kind of hoping you'd get to f*cking.

How did you-- Oh, hopped into your mind when you hopped into hers.

It's a little trick my dad's friends taught me.

Your dad's friends are perverts?


Magic mobsters.

- No, they're not.

- Jesus.

Which is why I'm leaving.

- So's Willow.

- Meadow, doofus.

Fine, kick me out.

You really don't need my help.

Help with what?

Trying to break into the Poison Room.

I've been in your crappy Nolan movie for, like, 20 minutes.

I heard everything.

Been trying to get in there myself, 'cause, you know, I'm curious about a few things.

So you can either start from square one on your own, or you can hop the line and join Well, the pervy mob girl has a point.


It's dangerous.

You know what's safe?


You're not responsible for me, okay?

Free will, I exercise that sh1t.

I'm gonna hate this.

You hate everything.

That's why I like you.



Kady, wake up.

- Kady.

- Hey.

- What?

- Hey, you, uh, you got a guest.

Professor Lipson told me to bring him here.

If you're still after Reynard, I want in.

[door rattling]


[door opens]

Oh, you.

I shouldn't be here, but Please.

Your Majesty.

- Be careful.

- So not a nice scotch, then?

It will transport you to the fairy realm.

I must warn you, few return.

But it is a chance to save Fen, the baby.

I would go, but-- You're a pussy who's in love with a sloth, who's currently a rat.

And end of the day, it's my mess to clean up.

Tell Eliot that.

[dramatic music]

[glass shatters]

Q, it's time.

This is it.

It's who I couldn't make the math work.

What math?

Uh, the spell to bring Alice back.

I knew something was missing, I just didn't know It was me.

You have to go now.

There's a portal in there, back to reception.

And I'm glad we got to say good-bye.


Um, I'm gonna be back here for good one day, and I am going to find you.


[sentimental music]

You first.

[elevator dings]

- Jules, what the hell?

- This isn't up for debate.

We came here so that you could-- Yeah?


Things change.

- If you do this-- - I know.

This is my one shot.

And this is what I want to do with it.

I found them!


Come on, or we'll lose her, too.

You can't take that Shade!

[tense music]

It's all going to be okay, Quentin.