01x06 - Baseball

( Theme music playing )

The whole Chick-fil-A narrative is just...

I mean, if I may, sir, it's...

It's food-nomenal. Really. It really is.

With that construction outside, man,

I was stuck in traffic for two hours.

My bladder was like a f*ckin' blimp.

You should maybe talk some more to the food manufacturing guys and the health advisors.


Come on, ma'am, just some small talk.

Even tiny talk will do.

Yeah, I know. I'm gonna do it.

God, what a waste of a morning.

If you ever want me to confess, don't rip out my fingernails, just make me eat like a vegan for a f*ckin' week.

The VP look like she's about ready to open up a vein.

You okay?

You seem to be phoning it in a little.

You know what, Amy?

I'm the veep I never wanted to be.

I'm talking salad wraps and body mass index to these idiots.

You should really just go and...

Yeah, I know, feel my soul slide out of my ass.

All right, here. You take that.

I'm building up the energy right now.

This smells like the inside of a taxi cab.

Hi, guys. Hello.


Not too much longer.

We'll get the group shot taken and then you guys can get moving.


What a productive morning.

Can you envision selling some of these items at any of your stores, you think?

Oh, sure.

Yeah. Wraps maybe.

Yeah, wraps.

Grapes. I mean, grapes are always good.

Grapes are... hey, you can't beat grapes.

Those yellow things look... so...

Well, I'll tell you it's all local and it's all organic.

Oh, wow.

Orgasmic's more like it, right?


I'll have some of what you're having. ( Mock laugh )


Oh, no. It's fine.

You back to DC tonight, Gary?

Yeah, I'm leaving a little bit earlier.

My dad is having his birthday dinner.


He has very little respect for my job.

He actually much rather me work here.

In catering?

No, a baseball stadium.


A man's man, a jock.

Rarrrh! One of those guys.

Wow, that's gotta be tough.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I meant for him.


Okay, you know what, Ken?

Not so close, okay?


Nobody needs to know which of my eyebrow hairs needs to be plucked.

( Laughs ) Sorry.

All right. What's going on with this group shot?

What's the delay?

It's not much longer, ma'am.

Just keep smiling.

Turn that frown... ( Clicks tongue ) upside-down. ( Laughs )



Do you see that he keeps touching me?

Yeah, I've noticed.

And his hands are really small.

It's his feely, little, touchy, hot hands.

Someone needs to tell him that he's working with the White House and not "Penthouse."

Hey, can I talk to you privately just for a second?


The whole thing that you guys have done with Krispy Kreme is just... if I may, it's food-nomenal, really.

So you know that I've been seeing Ted, right?


A while ago, a lot of wine was drunk and Springsteen was listened to and things got a little bit out of hand.

You stole a car?

We had unprotected s*x, and I think I might be pregnant.


It's a possibility, Amy.

I haven't reached menopause yet, you know.

I'm not barren. I know it's unlikely.

I could probably have unprotected s*x with 30 men, one right after the other, and it would be totally fine.

I mean, no, it wouldn't be totally fine.

I mean, that would be a horrible thing.

I'm not doubting your fertility, ma'am, but an unwed mother one aneurism away from the presidency?

How do you think that plays?

The bag has got one big storage area and then there are 60 separate pockets within the area.




That is a lot to remember, Gary.

I know, I know.

But can you do it without looking?

Try me.

Eye drops.



Scented, unscented?




Knock it... ( Mimics explosion )

That's unbelievable.

I hope I'm not pregnant, because, f*ck, if I am, I'm just finished, you know?


( Laughs ) Let's get moving!

You know you'll have to keep it.

I know.

Unless we go on some sort of special vacation to Mexico and... kill the doctor in the desert.

Father know?

What, are you kidding me? What am I, 15?

I mean Ted.

Oh, sh1t. No.

No. I'm still working on that one.

What are you shooting with?

This is a 5D.

Not a 1D?


Why would I need a 1D to shoot this?

I have a 1D.

It's more expensive, but it's a really nice camera.

You shoot a lot of sports? Moving action?

You take hundreds of pictures of herons catching fish?

Because otherwise you don't need a 1D.

Right, but I have a 1D.


Hey, will you do me a favor?

Can you get me a real coffee instead of this f*cking beige paint they're serving, okay?

Grande skinny latte, extra shot, and a dash of cinnamon?


Can I get some of the...?

This is what we're gonna do...

Photos with the nutritionists, hang with the players, over to the school, then we pregnancy test you to f*ck.

Listen, will you get the tests on the way to the school, please?

Absolutely. I'm heading there right now.

Obviously this is in our little circle of two.



( Cell phone chiming )

Hey, Jonah.

How's the weather up there in your asshole?

Oh ho.

That's cute, Mike. How's it going?

Good, good. Just going over my notes for the press briefing.

Hey, did you get those local business initiatives I sent over from the president?

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Looking at them right now.

Thank you. They're very helpful.

Oh, good.

I'm glad you're right on top of that. I can see you, Mike.

What? Oh.

( Laughs ) This is awesome!

You know what, Mike?

One day you're gonna wake up and you're gonna find your lungs have turned to pastry.

Gotta go, Jonah. Got incoming.


Amy, what's up?

Selina might be pregnant. What do we wanna do?

Is this for real?

'Cause if it is, the best thing for her legacy is if she's assassinated before she starts showing.

It's not definite.

She still needs to take some tests.

Okay. I'll guess I'll just add this to the press release.

People can start taking bets.

You know that this needs to be way under the lid.


All good?


It's gonna knock the socks off of some seven-year-olds.

Dad, dad, I like beer.

That was because I cut my lip trying to open the bottle.

I just can't open it the way you do.

Listen, the veep and I are gonna have our photo taken with the Orioles players.

Huh? ( Laughs )

Yeah, I can get you one.

sh1t, yeah. sh1t, yeah.

Where the f*ck is coffee?

So that whole stadium day was like a networking orgy for you, right?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Business card bukkake.

You know, you should get something while we're here...

Razor blades, a large amount of pain killers.

Holy sh...

Are you pregnant?

Amy, come on, career-wise, that's like joining scientology or getting a f*cking neck tattoo.

Thanks for the support.

So I guess you're gonna be needing maternity leave.

I'd be the obvious choice for your replacement.

That is literally your first thought?

No. My first thought was, "there goes your figure," but I didn't say that because I thought it would be upsetting.

Thanks. You know, if it's a boy, maybe I'll name him after you. Call him f*ck weasel.

Ken, is this where I should be?

Don't be too clustered.

Yeah, don't be too clustered.

Thank you. I got it.

So if you could just move a little bit...

Yeah, a little bit so we're not all on one side.

So we're not on one side.

Can you see everybody?

I think they heard me.

Yes, how about one where we say "let's get moving"?

Let's get moving! ( Camera clicking )

All right, how about another one?

Another where we say "awesome avocado!"

Awesome avocado!

Yes, that was great.

All right! Thank you for your patience.

Thank you so much for being here.


It sure... yes? Yes?


Construction hit a gas main.

There's a serious leak. Everybody must stay in here until it's made safe.

( All groaning )


Because of the danger, we need everybody to stay in the room.

We'll update you.

Listen, uh, but I can get out of here, right?

Probably in about an hour.

An hour?

Yes, ma'am.

We're so excited about the vice president's visit.

Oh, we're very excited, too.

Amy's practically having a baby about it.

Isn't that right?

Well, the chilen e waiting.

Right this way.

Hey, kids. Good afternoon.

My name is Dan, this is Amy.

And we work for the vice president of the United States of America.


Pretty cool, right? Yeah.

Yeah, my man right here.

My dad works in the state department.

Really? What position?

Trade policy executive.

So he knows Roger Aldrige?

Uh, I don't know.

Are you networking with an eight-year-old?

Yeah. ( Cell phone ringing )


Hold on one second, chief.


There's a gas main leak.

Selina's gonna be delayed at least an hour.

These kids are gonna go berserk if they have to wait that long.

( Sighs ) We have to keep them entertained.

"Lion King" DVD and two shots of ritalin.

You'll be such a great dad.

That's how I was raised.

All right, shall we, gentlemen?

Sean, why don't we start with your question before you get the DTs and you can't write in your notebook.

Can you brief on the new health initiative?

Are you its poster boy, Mikey? ( Both laugh )

Actually, though, great question.

You know, we were on the campaign trail and we saw a woman with a very large boy.

And the vice president turned to me and said, "I'd like to free that boy from the prison of obesity."

Anybody else?

Leon West, Washington Post.

A source tells me that the VP shit-canned a secret service agent just for smiling at her.

Can you give me a yes or no on that, please?

I believe he was reassigned because of his cologne.

( Men laugh ) It was Paco Rabanne.

I mean, this is not the '80s anymore, right?

Nobody wears that stuff. Sean might.

You'd probably rather drink it, though. Right, Sean?

That's necessary. Thank you, yes.

I've seen you.

I'm a drunk.

Okay, every which way but douche, I want you to answer my question now.

I believe, ahem, you asked a boring question, Leon, and I gave a boring answer.

That's like carbon offsetting. ( Men laughing )

Mike, I wouldn't be smiling. You might lose your job.

You understand my point?

You don't find it repugnant that Selina Meyer let a secret service agent go for smiling?



You're calling the vice president repugnant?

That's a very emotive term, sir, and a little prissy, I might add.

I spent a night in jail when I was 19 once.

That was more fun than this.

Well, if we get trapped here another minute, I'm gonna kill you and eat you, because I will not eat another f*ckin' falafel.

( Camera clicking )

Hey, Jimmy f*ckin' Olsen, get lost before I shove that thing up your ass and give you another kind of red eye to worry about.


What is going on out there with those two?

Do you know?

Yeah, he's all pissed off.

They've been complaining all day about the event and the food.


I overhear stuff as I move around.

Plus, I can lip-read.

You can lip-read?


( Mouthing words )

Yes, I can tell what are you saying now.

Could you lip-read earlier when I was talking about you to Amy?


Oh, that's too bad. It was all good.

Thank you.

Oh, sure.



God, that is a lot of snot.

Hey, can I have my pen back?

Mike, hi. Thank you.

I just wanna warn you, on top of everything else... smile story.

Can I get the pen cap, too? This came with a pen cap.

What the hell is going on over there? Are you listening?

Yes, yes. Story. What...?

The pen cap. Where was the pen... in your mouth?

Did you put it in your mouth?

Okay, I just wanna give you a heads-up, all right?

It's out there. They're saying she's repugnant.

( Kids chattering )

( Sighs ) Oh, my God.


I have just had a phone call from Mike.

He said that the press is saying you are pregnant.

He's saying it's out. ( Sighs )

No, it can't be.

What are you talking about? Nobody knows.

He said that Leon West said that you're pregnant.

Holy f... uck.

Ugh, I can't move my lips.

Okay, I'm going because Gary's calling.

Don't tell Gary.

No, Amy, they're not gonna let me through.

I'm running out of time here.

My dad needs a picture.

Okay, I need you to get a pregnancy test for the veep.

Oh, my... oh, my God.

That's kind of exciting.

No, no. Shh, shh.

I can carry the baby around in a little sling or something like that.

Oh, my... oh, wait, this is bad because she's not married, right?

Indeed, and this is strictly need-to-know.

What kind of test do I get? Are there different kinds?

How do I break it down? What do I get?

I've only got one, so get as many as you can find, okay?

We need to be sure, okay?

She need to shock-and-awe this thing.


Hey. So what's the intel on the baby?

( Laughs ) Intel.

Copy that. Security clearance denied.

Is Jonah the dad?

Is that why you look like you wanna drink a bottle of drano?

I don't blame you. That's gonna be a long labor.

They're gonna be pulling that kid out of you in shifts.


Yes, ma'am.

We gotta get rid of this whole prison-yard-vibe feeling.

We gotta do something.

Well, we have to stay within the stadium, but we could invite the guys down to meet the Orioles players.

Okay, that's exactly what we gonna do.

I forgot to find out something about the players.

I don't know what to say to them.

I can help you along.

Oh, you know about baseball?

I do, yeah.

You can be my Gary?

Yeah, yeah.

I'll be the adult version of Gary.


Jonah, can you see me?

Uh, yeah. Give me their numbers.

I'll go off that.

Hold on. Let me see.


Jake Arrieta. He's a starting pitcher.

On his left is number 39, Tommy Hunter.

He's a starting pitcher.

Wait, he's the starting pitcher?


The next gentleman... Oh, that's Jim Palmer.

He's a hall-of-famer. That guy's a legend.

He's a starting pitcher as well.

You don't have multiple starting pitchers.

There's one pitcher's mound.

You see one mound or three mounds?

I see one mound.

That's how you play baseball.

They don't pitch on the same day.

You don't have any idea what you're talking about.

f*ckin' idiot.

Hello! Hi!

Honor to meet you, ma'am.

And you are Jake.

Yes, ma'am.

Oh, how nice.

And you'the starting pitcher.

One of them. Yes, ma'am.

Okay. Wonderful.

So you must be Tommy.

I am. I am.

Um, are you a starting pitcher?

I am, I am, I am.

You are a starting... ahem.

Hello, dad. I'm still at the stadium.

( Laughs ) Yeah, yeah.

I'm with the team... my playas.

I will get you that pic, man.

Boom shaka laka. ( Laughs )

That's how they talk.


Are these all the pregnancy tests you have?

I think you got them all.


I hope you get the result you're looking for.

No, it's not for me.

It's my sister.

I'm sorry?

I... did you see that?

See what?

Okay, um, I just...

Is there any other stuff I should get for my sister?

Like a maternity underwear?

How long has she been pregnant?

Oh, God, I don't know.

I don't know anything about her private life.

I do know, however, that the past few weeks she has been pretty busy.

( Laughs )

I'd hold off on the maternity underwear.

Isn't this nice how the lettering works on these... on these tops?

( Cell phone ringing ) Thank you.

Oh, brother. I'm just... you know what?

I've got the treasury secretary calling.

Let me take this and I'm gonna be right back.

I'm so sorry. Pardon me.

Hello? Hello, Ted?

Hey. So are you looking for a little afternoon delight?

No. Listen to me for a second. I gotta tell you something.

I might be pregnant. All right?

I'm sorry to have to be so blunt about it, but I don't have a lot of time.

Um, guys, can I have five minutes?


One second, please.

Are you still there?

That's impossible.

No, it's not impossible. I'm not that old.

Oh, my God.

All right, you over that bombshell?

Because that bombshell just gave birth to a bigger bombshell.

The press know about this.

Oh, f*ck.

I know.

So this is what we're gonna do, all right?

We're getting married.

And the plan is that we got engaged, like, six weeks ago or something, all right?

You proposed by giving me some sort of a ring in a heart-shaped, f*ckin' oyster thing or something.

You know, the key is in the details, though, Ted.


( Sighs ) Okay.

Anyway, listen, you've gotta get me a ring.

You've gotta go, you've gotta get a ring now.

And it's gonna have to be a big one.

Well, what size is your finger?

I don't know how f*cking big my finger is, Ted!

Just be a man, stand up, get the f*ckin' ring, all right?


You're f*cking kidding.

Ma'am, I'm sorry. I couldn't help but overhear.

I just... you're getting married.

I wanted to be the first one to offer my congratulations.

Okay. Ken?


Read my lips... Don't read my lips.

You understand me?


( Mouthing words )


You got it?

I got it. Okay.

Let's go.

Let's go.

Jim Palmer.

Madam Vice President, nice to meet you.

What a treat...

Welcome to Camden Yards.

Thank you.

So, Jim, you are a hall-of-famer.

They let me in there.

Oh, yes, that is a wonderful thing to be in... in the hall of fame, for sure.

For sure.


( Men chuckle ) Okay.

( Mouths words )

Okay, it's time for the group photo, right?

All right, great.

Okay, everyone say "Orioles."



Okay, I guess we're done. We got the shot.

Got it.

Okay, everybody, thank you so much.

God bless America.

Thank you.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you.


Veep has left the stadium. She's gonna be here in 20.

( Groans ) Okay.

One last push to keep these kids entertained.

You know, I saw a guitar in there.

You play the guitar, all right?

Not in this situation.

Yes. Yes.

Amy, no.

My guitar is for seduction, not crowd control, all right?

Granted, on a good night that's one and the same, but still.

No, we're finding you a guitar.

That's what we're doing.

Oh, isn't this cute?

Look at you guys making juice.


Go away. Why are you here?


She means hello.

I actually have a story I'd like to discuss with the veep.

She here yet?

No. No, of course not, because she hates punctuality almost as much as good governance.

So what should we do, guys?

♪ Dormez-vous? Dormez-vous? ♪
♪ Sonnez les matines, sonnez les matines... ♪

( Sirens blaring )

No, I'm sorry, sir. We have no comment on that at the moment.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Why would we need to ban smiling?

It's not like something we have time for in the first place.


Sue, listen...

Ted proposed to me about six to eight weeks ago, okay?

Oh, congratulations, ma'am.

No, no, no, he didn't really.

We're just gonna pretend that he did.

Okay. I assume he's in on this.

So now what I need you to do is go to my calendar thing, please, and let's find a date where this would have happened.

The Children of Courage Awards... Would he have proposed then?

No, no, uh-uh. That's kids with alopecia, their mothers are on crack... that's a complete freak show.

Okay. Ah. Two months ago, you and Ted went to an ice hockey game and had dinner after.

Perfect. Yes.

Okay? Thank you very much.

Sue, Sue, Sue, did the president call?


No. Yeah, okay. Right.

The "as" and the "es" are like your basics.

That's like the roots of blues and stuff.

But if you really... if you get into some of the funkier stuff, that's the... see, it's the sevenths.

It's the minor sevenths that give it that... sort of that autumn... that sort of gloom to it.

I just love that.

It's kind of moody, sort of sleepy, but I like it.

It's... it does well with the...

You'll figure that out when you get older.

So it's... ( Strums guitar )

You having fun?


Hear that? No fun. You are no fun.

The vice president is here.


Leon West is here.

Oh, great.

Now all we need are my parents on Skype.

Do you have the tests?

I have one. Gary's coming with more.

We're gonna have more tests than you have pee.

You told Gary? ( Kids screaming )

Oh, hello!

So he could get the tests.

Okay, we'll found out. I'll just have Gary do the tests.

How will that work?

No, not with his pee, Amy.


Wait a second.

So... so, ma'am... so you're the one who's pregnant?

I might be pregnant.

So we're looking at a wedding.

Or a suicide. I haven't decided which.

Look at these fantastic children!

Madam Vice President.

Hello. I'm so sorry I'm late.

I have never meant those words more.

It's a pleasure to meet you.

The children are waiting and ready for you.

You know, I need to use the ladies' room very briefly, if I may.

Of course. The staff restroom is right there.

Fantastic. I'm also parched and I'm wondering if I might...

Can I have a cup of water?

Of course.

Maybe in a paper cup?


This is all we have. Here.

Oh! Well, this is...

Okay, it's in a plastic, clear...

It should be fine.

It'll be fine.

It'll be fine.

Thank you.

( Camera clicking )

Okay, cool it.

Oh, good lord.

So what do you think? Is she really pregnant?

How should I know?

You're a woman.


You think that as a woman I might sense some disturbance in the f*ckin' "lady matrix"?

Hey, Ken. How's it going?


Hey, I missed that photo with the Orioles.

Do you think you can kind of do your magic and photoshop me into it?

Technically, yes.

Oh, okay.

Ethically, no.

I document. I don't invent.

Do it yourself.

Okay. You got hot hands.

Hey, did she sing with the kids yet?

Not yet.


Awesome. Where is she?



Holy shitballs. Leon West is here?

Uh-huh. I thought you knew that.

The guy's like gay p0rn... He's everywhere.

Okay, okay, they only had three types of pregnancy tests I could find.

Hi, Gary. Okay, that's okay. We have plenty.

She's in the bathroom.

Why are we doing this now?

Because you said that the pregnancy story is out there, so we need to make sure right now.

Hey, Mike.

Hi, ma'am.

I never said the pregnancy story's out there.

Yes. On the phone you said the press "is saying that she's pregnant."

I said she's repugnant. I said Selina's repugnant.

What? Why am I repugnant?

Leon said it in reference to you firing the secret service agent.

The smile story?


Why is that story out there now, Mike?

I don't know.

( Mocking ) Yeah, "I don't know."


Ma'am, if we just table this...

I think we should just knock off the kid thing.

Lower that.

We need to get this over with.

You know, I think we're ready. Very excited for the kids.

Here, can you test this?


Hi! Oh, Leon!

So pleased to be shaking your hand right at this moment.

It's wonderful to see you, too.

Just delighted.

Have you met Ken? Ken, let's get moving.

Right this way.

Well, I'm so sorry I was a little bit late, but I had to hang out with a bunch of boring grown-ups.

Bugh. Boo!



( Laughing ) Mrs. Saunders, I understand that the boys and girls have a song that they wanna sing.

Okay, kids. Now, after four.

All right? One, two, three, four.

♪ If you're happy and you know it ♪
♪ clap your hands... ♪

Hey, dad. Just wait until you see the photo.

It's awesome.

You're right, I do do a proper man's job.

Oh, God.

♪ If you're happy and you know it, nod your head ♪
♪ if you're happy and you know it, nod your head ♪

♪ if you're happy and you know ... ♪

You're very, very pregnant.

♪ And you really wanna show it ♪
♪ if you're happy and you know it, nod your head... ♪

♪ If you're happy and you know it, shout hooray ♪

♪ hooray! ♪

♪ if you're happy and you know it, shout hooray ♪
♪ hooray! ♪

♪ if you're happy and you know it ♪
♪ and you really wanna show it ♪
♪ if you're happy and you know it, shout hooray ♪

♪ hooray! ♪

Oh, wow! That was marvelous. Wasn't that great?

Fun day. Thank you so...

Wasn't it great?

Yes, what a good song.

We're gonna have to go on to the next thing.

Oh, darn it.

I know.

We have to leave. What a shame.

I wish I could be here all day.

Good job.

Okay, good job.

Wonderful. Bye-bye, everybody.



Bye-bye. See you later.

Don't touch.

That's it? How about that, kids?

Waited all day for that.

( Music playing )