( theme music playing )
Selina: Andrew, you know what?
You resented my success when we were married, okay?
But now it is absolutely eating you raw.
You were the best thing to ever happen to him and he threw it away.
Yeah, you were the best thing-- I was the best thing that ever happened to you and you just threw it away.
Ma'am, we have to go now if you want to catch Kent for a hostages meeting.
Okay, listen, I will not have you undermine me with Catherine.
Will you be wanting a clutch?
I will not.
Oh, you don't?
No, no, I will. I want the bag.
No, I want Catherine to spend Thanksgiving with me, not some random boyfriend.
And what about poor Memaw, who's guaranteed to be dead by March?
( quietly ) With any luck.
You have successfully learned how to manipulate Catherine.
How is that insulting to her?
God, you just turn it all around-- okay.
Just hanging up on him.
Shall we go?
Yeah, let's just get out.
There's some Advil in the bag.
Yeah, I hope we have a number for a contract killer, too.
( laughs ) I'll do it.
Nice wheels, Mike. This new?
Not quite. Like your mother, it's been previously loved and paid for by a couple of guys.
I guess this means you cleared your debts, huh?
No, I've added this to my debt.
Oh, the old "drink your way out of alcoholism" approach.
I like it.
No, this isn't like when I drank.
You had a drinking problem?
Not a problem. Uh, an issue.
Not even an issue. A hitch.
You had a drinking hitch?
Dan, I owe 100 grand.
Nothing I can do will change that.
So, I've accepted what I cannot change.
A few extra grand doesn't matter.
Are you drunk right now?
Morning, Mr. Egan. Have you read the regionality paper?
Have a great day.
I get that all the time.
No, you don't.
Selina: But I need to talk to that autistic lumberjack son of a bitch.
Oh, there he is. Hi, Kent.
Madam Vice President.
Hey, I heard you were doing Pilates.
I didn't know you had a core. ( laughs )
I do and it's like steel.
So are we really not doing anything about the hostages now?
Nothing at all?
We are doing something.
Yeah? What are we doing?
Until the numbers support intervention, doing nothing is the most positive thing we can do.
You know, it's just so great talking to you, Kent.
I love being close to the inaction.
The national security meeting this afternoon is still happening, right?
Yes, 4:30. Hostages and the SM-17 missile defense system sale to Israel will both be discussed.
SM-17d. There's a lower case D.
Details are important.
A misplaced decimal point can kill a diabetic.
I look forward to attending the meeting as per our deal.
POTUS would love to have you there, as would I.
That's if you can possibly be back in time.
Back in time from what?
I'm sorry, I have an 8:45.
The Listen to Rural America program that you okayed with POTUS after the midterms is looking--
You know what? Why don't you put on your running shoes and get to the f*cking point, Jonah?
The North Carolina Pork Board is having a pig picking today.
Sounds classy. Will Kate Middleton be there?
POTUS would like to get you down there and utilize your people skills to kick off "U.S., Hey."
That's what they're gonna call it?
Who came up with that incredibly shitty name?
That would be me, ma'am.
Okay, so they want me to go to a pig roast to meet a bunch of men who probably took turns to f*ck the pig before they roasted it?
I wouldn't presume they took turns.
Let me tell you something. I'm going to that 4:30 meeting even if I have to get Sue to fly around the world the wrong way like Superman and reverse time.
Do you understand that?
Ma'am, my dad has taken a turn for the worse.
I'm thinking this pig picking is a good opportunity--
Oh, yeah, skip it. Skip it. Go to him.
I'll bring you back a sandwich and a six-toed husband.
Maybe if she landed at a different base--
This is not your area of expertise.
It's just typing into a calendar.
I'm sorry, Sue. Your job is really difficult.
You do it very efficiently.
Oh, thank you, Jesus.
We got to go. We're gonna go mix with the hicks.
Congressman Furlong called and he'd like some face time.
Okay, well, let's see, I'd rather set fire to my vulva.
So that's a no.
Amy: He's in town trying to play nice for a possible Senate run in the next year or so.
Roger Furlong trying to play nice is like Brando trying to play Annie.
That's a good one, Mike.
( phone chimes )
I just got a message here. Something about a paper that your daughter wrote that ended up on some guy's blog.
See, this is why China regulates their Internet. What does it say?
I don't know. Some film studies course. A paper she wrote.
Did you know that I'm paying 65 grand a year to that school?
They had better be putting gold on that popcorn instead of butter, right?
Jonah: Oh, ma'am!
What? Oh, no.
I'm out of here.
I'm coming with you.
POTUS wants me to monitor U.S. Hey as kind of my pet project.
Oh, for f*ck's sakes.
This must be the first pet project of yours that didn't involve resorting to chloroform.
Yeah, well, it's early days, Mike.
Can you take care of this Catherine business?
I've got someplace I've got to be.
Well, I think I might have found a way to get to Kent Davison.
If you kill his mother and then dress in her skin, that's technically illegal.
The veep's office is pumped about the new foreign policy portfolio, sir.
And I read this really interesting paper on how regionality is actually a more significant political prism than nationality.
Did you just join this Pilates studio, Mr. Egan?
Yeah. Yeah, you know, it's convenient.
Where do you live?
Local to here.
I hear the hostage situation is really heating up.
I hope you've done Pilates before.
People think they can just get on one of these machines.
No. Six months I did before I got on this.
Yeah, well, I'm all about the long-term goals.
Mike, look at this.
Look at this, Mike.
Just sipping some coffee. Air Force Two.
Real good. Take a picture of me looking out the window.
Jonah. Jonah, calm down.
It's a plane with a logo. It's not Space Mountain.
What the hell do you do on Air Force One, rub your dick on the seats?
I haven't actually been on Air Force One.
I haven't been--
How you doing, Mike?
I'm doing great, ma'am.
Heard about your financial situation.
You know, the boat and everything.
I've changed the only thing I can-- my reaction to things.
Oh. And your boxers occasionally, I hope.
I have a fresh pair every day now.
Oh, good for you, Mike.
( laughs )
What, Gary? What's wrong?
I know you think I'm melodramatic, ma'am.
I know you're melodramatic.
Uh-huh. Our world has just ended.
What is this?
Mike: "Revealed: Selina's secret stash of signals.
When the VP rubs her right ear, an aide will tell her she has an important call that she must take.
In an unwanted conversation, this is her exit strategy."
All right, well, somebody WikiLeaked the code.
So we can't use those. We need new signals.
Those signals took years.
I can't just tear up the gestictionary and come up with new codes like that.
( snaps fingers )
Okay, that could be a signal. Kind of a silent click.
Would you please-- okay, could you just--
I just need something basic for today.
I don't want to get stuck talking pig sh1t with people who use hay as furniture.
I need an exit strategy to be in DC by 4:30, so start thinking.
Okay, but we have to make these new signals subtle so they don't kind of look like signals.
You do realize that that was the point of the old signals, right, Mike?
I realize that.
Oh! You slap your hands together.
Kind of give it a little thumbs up.
No, that's like I squished a bug and then I said, "Oh, it's so cool I squished a bug."
What if you scratched your head with your phone in your hand?
What about this?
Gary: Oh. No...
Mike: You don't look pretty.
Oh, forget it.
I got it. You can rub your eyebrow.
No one will see that. It's subtle.
Mike: It looks natural.
What if people think I have crabs in my eyebrows?
How can you have crabs in your eyebrow?
Okay, Gary, when a man and a woman love each other very much and it's the man's birthday--
Mike: Crap in a hat.
It's your daughter.
What? What is it?
She's fine, but she's done something that'll make you want to kill her.
Christ, it's everywhere.
Well, if it's just a film studies essay--
No, Catherine's essay is about Emad Burnat's movie "5 Broken Cameras."
If Owen Wilson's not in it, I probably don't know it.
It's about nonviolent Palestinian resistance to Israeli settlement on the West Bank.
That doesn't sound like one of Owen's.
She talks about the masterly portrayal of brutal, illegal Israeli aggression.
We have to issue a statement.
All right, well, standard issue pro-Israeli, pro-Palestinian, but subtly more pro-Israeli statement.
I mean, hit F9 and print that fucker out.
No, this needs to be top-notch.
This needs to be the Gettysburg Address of tightrope-walking, say-nothing bullshit.
My time has come.
All right, well, next election I guess we lose Florida, then.
We got wheels down in 15.
All right, I've got to change.
All right, I'll text Amy.
Gary, what am I supposed to wear today?
( gasps ) At least that's good.
Well, howdy, y'all.
Oh, my goodness. Look at this.
Walking the walk, talking the pork.
Look at you, a grown woman with cotton candy.
Pink like your cheeks. I'm gonna give you both a hug.
Oh, gosh, that looks like finger-licking fun.
That's a term I just coined today. Do you like it?
Everybody's having such a good time. But this young man doesn't have anything to eat. Now why would that be?
I hope you're not just starving to death, sweetheart.
What's going on? We've got to get some meat on your bones.
And there you go.
Ask and you shall receive.
Why am I the only one wearing a cowboy hat?
I'm gonna take this hat off.
No. Hat hair, hat hair. Please don't.
Yes, she's pressing the flesh very well, sir.
And these people have a lot of flesh.
Two things in politics to avoid--
Middle East and family strife. And we're combining both?
Now you get the daughter to apologize.
You have my authority.
Ergo, you have POTUS's authority.
( sighs ) If this were the '60s, we could just have the National Guard shoot the daughter.
West Wing, West Wing. Pardon me. Coming through.
Oh, hi there.
Pardon me, West Wing. Pardon me. Excuse me.
Oh, hello, little girl. Office of the president.
Please step off to the side. Thank you.
Ma'am, I have been charged with informing you that you need to get your daughter Catherine to apologize unequivocally and immediately.
Yeah? Well, go sh1t yourself, Long Tall Sally, because I will deal with my daughter in my own way on my own terms.
Oh, here's your ma.
Selina: Hey, you got her?
Hi, Catherine. How are you?
Stop it. Stop it. You're freaking me out.
Freaking you out?
No, honey. Not you, Catherine.
It was Mike. He had you on top of his body.
No, that came out wrong.
Listen, how are you doing?
I'm getting a lot of attention.
Why are you wearing a cowboy hat?
I'm at a pork event.
Listen, you can't talk to anybody about this essay.
No media, no journalists or anything.
You have somebody there, sweetie? Who is that?
( kissing sounds )
Yeah, actually, it's my boyfriend.
You're kidding. That's exciting.
His name is Rahim. He's Dilka's brother.
What? Do you have a problem with him being Iranian?
Okay, Catherine, you know that I am not a racist, okay?
My boyfriend in college was a quarter Cherokee.
Mom, I'm sorry, but I'm not gonna say sorry.
Catherine, don't-- all right.
Well, that worked perfectly.
Good talk with Catherine?
Well, we've had happier conversations.
Like when I told her her grandpa had died.
Oh, she didn't like him, huh?
No, that's not what I meant.
Oh, sorry. It's just my grampy, he was a real prick.
I mean he was--
You need to get a chopper.
I want you to go to Catherine's college.
No. You pick her up, bring her to the air base. All right?
Get some towels. I may need to daughter board her.
You hate choppers, Mike.
I'm always afraid I'm gonna get my head cut off.
Yeah, it happens.
While Israel's military non-occupation--
No, no, presence.
While Israel's military presence-- words, words, words.
Furlong: Oh, this whole being pleasant is f*cking exhausting.
Yes, sir. It's very tiring.
I'm running out of nice juice to spray at these sh1t munchers.
Hi there. Good to see you.
We also desire a settled homeland for the Palestinian people.
Furlong: Oh, look who we have here.
Not only Ginger Rogers, but also Ginger Rogers.
Nice joke construction, sir.
Stop trying to polish my dick, you f*cking four-eyed failure.
Greetings, friends. We were just in the building, so we stopped by.
In the building? Okay. What, are you guys washing the windows today?
Working on the bathrooms?
You're quite the wit, Dan.
Yeah, I am quite the wit. And you're quite--
We were just heading to the hospital.
My father's breathing has become very bad.
They think he might not last through the night.
And Dan needs to come with me so we can continue the statement.
Oh, no, not at all. I'm sorry about your dad.
Okay, we should be going.
We'll talk another time, then.
I got all the time in the world.
We do actually have to be out of DC by tomorrow.
It's a metaphor.
I don't think it strictly is, sir.
As a figure of speech--
You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants.
How's that for a f*cking metaphor?
That's a simile, sir.
Shut your mouth, you fat girl.
( elevator bell dings )
So what hospital is your dad in?
Oh, that's a good one.
They got a big Starbucks there.
It's nice. You know, people go in there that aren't--
You don't have to speak.
There you go, ma'am. You taste that.
That's heaven right there.
This is big.
But I bet I can finish it.
Kent: I want to smash the I-4 corridor-- and I mean smash it-- all the while focusing on the inside game.
Then what-- holy cow.
Mike: It's not being in the helicopter.
That's fine. I can ride in a helicopter.
It's just getting in. I'm afraid it's gonna wobble.
Like, you know, it'd chop the top of my head off like a soft-boiled egg and then I'm, like, running around trying to put my head back on.
This is crazy, Mike. All I did was write a review of a movie.
I know, Catherine, but the whole Middle East thing is very confusing.
No, sometimes it can seem pretty clear-cut to me.
Yeah, well-- excuse me.
( cell phone chiming )
Mike, where are you?
I'm at the hog roast.
And are you paralyzed from the neck down?
Why aren't you stopping this?
Has the position of this administration changed toward Israel and Palestine?
We support the state of Israel, of course...
Mike, the VP is voicing solidarity with the Jewish people in front of rotating pork.
...for the Jewish people.
Change the visual.
Deport the visual.
( cell phone rings )
What's your Jonah emergency?
Jonah, move the veep away from the pig.
Think about the sensitivities here.
What, pork? Mike, most Jews in this country are fine with pork.
Pork schmork, they often say.
Most Jews in this country are fine with pork, Mr. Davison. Pork schmork, really.
You ever hear of the Old Testament, Mike?
Jonah, Israel, Europe.
Okay. f*ck. Fine, Mike.
But you f*cking owe me for this. Excuse me.
Amy: These pork folks won't ask Selina about Middle East politics, right?
Oh, no. Those fuckers probably think the Middle East means Kansas.
Hey, you know what? I'm not really great with illness or death or basic empathy, but I just want to say I'm sorry about your dad and I think you're being really brave.
What? Why are we stopping here?
That's my dad.
Jesus, he doesn't look like he's dying.
My family was guilt-tripping the sh1t out of me and so I exaggerated to come visit.
Besides, a dying dad can be a get-out-of-jail-free card.
Like with Furlong.
That is cold.
Also kind of hot.
...and as a homeland for the Jewish people while at the same time we support a settled homeland for the Palestinians.
I can still see the pig's ass.
You're not blocking it. Bend down.
Tie your shoe, whatever.
That's a circle that's tricky to square.
And the president and I...
We really need a bulkier man in this situation.
Am I there?
Mike: Get closer towards it.
Okay, Mike, it's right next to the coals.
The coals are hot.
Hey, quit touching the pig.
It's not a f*cking petting zoo.
Ma'am, this is a matter of security, okay?
You think this pig is gonna attack her?
Son, that fucker is skinned and roasted.
He's at a huge disadvantage.
Okay, look, office of the president. So I'm staying.
I don't care if there is a funeral procession due to use that street.
It is to be closed by 4:00 today.
It'll cheer the family up, sir. Everyone loves a motorcade.
Hello. What do you want?
You can't have it. Good-bye.
The congressman would like to have a very polite chat in the next few days with the vice president.
No, he cannot.
I need you to let the veep know that I just wanted to apologize for any erratic behavior she might have witnessed from me in the past.
Does erratic behavior include you storming into this office and violently yelling at everyone?
Yes. I wasn't myself.
I was having a bit of a rough go.
My wife-- and I'm not looking for sympathy for this-- but she was very ill with kidney disease.
Your wife is perfectly fine. She ran the Seattle Marathon.
All right, don't f*ck with me, honey.
Just put my f*cking name in your stupid f*cking schedule and get me a face-to-face with the veep now!
Excuse me. You need to leave this office now, sir.
We do need to leave.
Okay, I've got boxes and boxes on Selina Meyer.
You understand me?
I've got Pandora's f*cking boxes on her.
But we're fighting the lies from many people in your party about the environmental impact of what we do.
You can't raise pigs without excrement, ma'am.
It just can't be done.
I see. Yes.
And they defecate with speed.
Oh, Lord. Oh, goodness.
Well, I hear that. They're pigs.
Why wouldn't they? And I'm interested to hear a few other folks.
I thank you for your time. Hello, Miss America?
I've been scratching my eyebrow for three and a half f*cking hours.
Where have you been?
I thought we weren't doing the eyebrow thing.
You said about the crabs.
Okay, from now on, we're doing the eyebrow thing.
Okay? And we've got to get out of here.
Did I tell you my girlfriend came up with the eyebrow thing?
Oh, well, good for her. We've got to go, right?
Since the midterms, it's been really apocalyptic.
We know you're busy, hon.
But right now I am focused on you, Daddy.
Is that Dan Egan?
( sirens blaring )
So you discussed our signals with your girlfriend?
Yeah, she's really creative.
I thought she could come up with some good ones.
And is she the only civilian that you shared them with?
Oh, yes, ma'am.
Well, no-- oh, no. Dana would not leak.
Classic first-stage denial.
I mean, it must be. Gary, think about it.
It must be Dana.
Oh, my God.
She's getting her leak on.
What in the living f*ck is that god-awful smell, Jonah?
Oh, my jacket is partially soaked in pork fat, ma'am.
So you two aren't back together, then?
No, no. Just colleagues.
You broke her heart. You know that?
No. He-- he didn't even graze it. We went on three dates.
Oh, dang, Amy. You put out quick.
Amy and I just weren't compatible.
Right. It turns out I can't mate with anyone outside of my species.
We all know what you need, Amy.
I mean besides a big, fat slap.
I do not want children, okay?
Why can nobody accept this?
Sweetie, you do not have to decide right now.
You still have plenty of time.
I remained fertile till I was 56.
Just because I have a v*g1n*...
For God's sake, Amy.
We just want you to be happy, sweetie.
I am happy without kids.
I am-- right?
Oh, she's deliriously happy.
At work we actually call her Amiable Amy.
I think I'm gonna go get a coffee. Anyone else?
Father: No, thank you.
I will help you carry that second coffee.
I wrote an essay about a very important film.
Okay? You should be proud of me.
It's not "Debbie Does Damascus."
No, I am proud of you. But, sweetheart, if we lose the pro-Israel vote, then we lose Florida in two years and that's 29 electoral votes.
And then Mommy's out of a job.
Okay, I'm still not going to apologize.
Have you even seen the movie that I'm talking about?
When would I have time to see a film?
I haven't even been able to see that wonderful movie with the blue people in it.
So you graduate in what, a year?
Yeah, hopefully, if I can get the money together for the last two semesters.
Ah, money's tight, huh?
You know, my attitude to money is--
I'll be 22 when I graduate, I'll owe 60 grand.
And I did the math. I'll chase my student debt for the next 27 years of my life.
Hey, fresh coffee back here if you guys want some.
Oh, great. Yeah.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
I owe 100 grand.
Sweet Jesus Christ.
I want to see the film and I will see the film.
Gary, we need to get it. It's "Five Easy Pieces."
It's "5 Broken Cameras."
Okay, it's "Broken Cameras."
Mom, don't even bother.
This is gonna be like "Super Size Me" all over again.
Why don't you guys just go see "Mamma Mia!" again for the 10th f*cking time?
Do not swear at me, Catherine. Don't.
Okay, look, I'm sorry.
I understand that you are feeling attacked, babe.
And that's why I'm here with you right now.
I'm supposed to be at a national security meeting, but you are my priority, okay?
You hear what I'm saying?
Yeah, I'll apologize.
If I can spend Thanksgiving with Rahim and his family.
No, darling. We've got Grandma coming.
We got to smile at her and cut her Jell-O.
( cell phone chiming )
Mike, if she's in the can, haul her out.
I don't care if she's trailing paper.
She can make this if she leaves right this second.
She's currently with her daughter.
Look, Mike, man up and prioritize, okay?
I do it every day. Prioritize, that is.
What about Wednesday?
Ma'am, you need to make like a snake and get on that airplane.
Okay, but I'm in the middle of an important conversation with my daughter.
So everything can be put on hold, okay?
So I have to spend Thanksgiving with you and Memaw.
Wednesday you're with your dad.
Thursday you're with me and Grandma.
Friday you can be with the new boyfriend, okay?
If you come home on Saturday night.
Yeah, I'll check that over with Rahim.
Okay, let's get going.
You are a great negotiator.
I know I am.
Hey. So Sue called.
Apparently she bitch-slapped Furlong.
He usually has to pay for that.
And we need that Catherine apology ASAP.
Okay? I can do it, you can stay here.
We'll liaise via e-mail.
Um, yeah. I really--
Actually, you know what? I would prefer it if you were physically there.
It's, you know, an important statement.
You're right. It needs to happen. Let's go.
Amiable Amy? That is the best you could come up with?
Yeah, you know, I knew I should have gone with Amy Whitehouse.
It's very nice meeting you...
It's so nice to meet you, too.
Madam Vice President.
Sure. What are you studying at school?
Computer science. Math minor.
Where are you headed with all that?
Hopefully, actually, get into a government branch.
Defense or FBI, maybe.
Well, I speak Farsi--
You speak Farsi?
But you were born here?
Yes, I was born here.
And your parents were born here?
They were actually born in Iran in Tehran.
Yeah, that's where we're from.
Oh, I see. Tehran.
Ma'am, General Mercer from the Pentagon is on the phone.
Oh, I don't need to talk to General Mercer right now.
He's pretty insistent.
I don't need a General Mercer call right now.
( whispers ) He's really on the phone.
Oh, General Mercer's on the phone.
Can you hang tight two seconds, Rahim?
I'm sorry to be calling, Madam Vice President, but we are going to be discussing the hostage situation in around 25 minutes.
Do you think you can get here or should we go ahead without you?
No, no, no. Don't go ahead without me.
We can set up a video link from the plane.
I'm on it. I got it.
Selina: So that would work out perfectly.
And I want Rahim to stay. I've got to-- mm-hmm.
Rahim, stay. You, too, Catherine.
Thank you, Madam Vice President.
We should actually probably go.
I have to get back to study for a midterm.
Yeah, yeah. What are your parents' names?
That Rahim turns out to be a nice boy.
Let's run a security check on him and his entire family.
And investigate their finances.
I was actually reconsidering my financial situation.
Oh, are you about to ask me for money, Mike?
I don't want to.
No, no, no.
I thought you would and I want to give you money.
( exhales )
And I have the money, so why not?
Exactly. And it's not a big--
Giving cash to my director of communications-- do you think that that would play well, Mike?
No. No, it wouldn't.
I can't videoconference like this.
I can't get the dent out at all.
I look like Bozo.
Do you want me to fix it?
Oh, do you have a blow-dryer?
No. Whose idea was this hat?
Was that Dana's idea, too?
Did you talk to her?
She-- she may have mentioned the signals to one of her girlfriends.
( sighs )
The link to your video conference is up, ma'am.
I do not like to say this, but you have truly disappointed me today.
Do you have any idea how foolish you have made me look?
I am having the best day.
This is such a great time.
We're on Air Force Two. U.S. Hey is getting started.
Guys, we saved the Florida vote.
You guys want to play iPad Scrabble?
Jonah, please. Just shut up.
Mike, you want to... suck some of the pork fat out of my jacket?
Come on, it's a free meal.
Hey, Lori. Does Kent Davison still come here?
No, he left.
He said it was too full of DC people or something.
I see you got a mention in "Playbook" yesterday.
I have a Google alert set up for your name.
Hey, did you catch Krauthammer in the "Post" about the hostage situation?
Are you the guy that always says hi to me in the garage?
Yeah, I got to do some f*cking weights.
This is for rubber idiots.