( theme music playing )
Selina: Thank you so much for setting this interview up, Dan.
I really appreciate it. It's perfect.
Look, this is a walk in the park.
This is a nice casual conversation between two friends.
Today, America is a guest in your home.
The thing to keep in mind is Janet needs this more than you do.
That is so true. I mean, she's kind of a lightweight now.
We're doing her a favor.
She's a dud.
You know what? We got to prep. Prep time, let's go.
The song that offended half of Europe?
It didn't offend half of Europe.
Okay, fine. Well, I have to tell you, Janet, that was a lighthearted parody.
On the campaign trail, you and Andrew were all smiles, but behind the scenes you were fighting like snakes in a bag.
You're a fraud and a liar, ma'am.
Wow. What? What are you doing?
I'm hitting you.
Guys, we're prepping for a puff piece, not for a roast.
Right. What is she wearing, by the way?
She's wearing a navy jacket.
It's conservative and desperate at the same time.
What? Look at what I'm wearing.
Do we know what she's wearing yet? Can we find out?
We are gonna go in there in just a moment.
They're expecting a puff piece.
There's the bluff puff which we're gonna start out with.
You're her friend. You went to high school together.
You guys like each other. Then we switch right over to rough puff.
Nobody does rough puff like you.
( growls )
Rrr. Give me that rough puff.
All right, Puff Daddy.
What is this one doing?
He is moving a legless horse.
It is such an honor to meet you.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
I'm such a fan of yours.
I actually am hoping to study broadcast journalism.
Right now I'm studying film studies and postmodern dance.
How wonderful. We'll have to talk about that when the cameras are rolling.
I would love that.
I'm taking this really cool class where we sort of debate current issues through movement.
Let's get you miked up.
Oh, my God. This is a problem.
Look at this.
For the poof, you mean?
Put your hands in your pockets.
Looks like I'm m*st*rb*t*ng if I got my hands in my pockets.
Put the blanket over it, or is that too FDR?
Can you guys please kneel down?
'Cause I feel like I fell into a well or something and it's hurting my neck.
Okay, they're gonna bring up the rafting trip.
Well, I took my ex down to the river and I tried to smash his head in with a rock and then drown--
This is Cody Marshall.
He's the producer for "First Response."
Hi, Cody Marshall.
I'm sorry, am I interrupting a team prayer meeting?
( laughs ) We're just doing a height thing.
It was nothing.
Okay. Good luck, everyone.
Thank you so much. Very kind. Thank you.
Thanks for being here. We really appreciate it.
Okay, she's wearing a bluish dress like she vomited flowers all over herself.
She's kind of a frumpy librarian.
Okay. All right.
Yes! All right, we're in business.
Just confirmed-- a leaked e-mail.
Her ex-husband promising access for business favors.
He actually brags about it.
It's almost too painful.
Brags about access.
Just drag her in with the kindness, then turn great white and start taking chunks out of her.
( growls ) She's not much of a meal.
Oh, is it Greg?
Gary, we're all set up, so if you can...
Yeah, great. Yeah.
Madam Vice President.
Gosh, I think the last time that we saw each other was at the...
The Correspondents' Dinner.
The Correspondents' Dinner.
That's right. I think you've grown since then.
Either that or you've gotten shorter.
No, it's me. I've got heels on.
Well, anyway, I'm so happy you're here.
So you found the joint okay.
Oh, yeah, I think this is our fourth vice presidential interview.
Is that so?
The three of them were excellent, so no pressure.
He's talking to me.
So what is the plan, then? What are we going to do?
Well, we'll start, I think, just with a little walk around the room.
And then the formal interview, I thought, right here.
Oh, right here? Okay.
But that means that this has to go.
I thought you were doing it over there.
No, we did, but we're gonna do it here, and that's perfectly fine.
So we'll get that poor thing away.
Anyway, have you met my daughter?
So you did get my final e-mail on topics?
No, but my spam filter did.
Seriously, did you get it?
Did I? ( laughs )
Yeah, we're all set. Let's make some history here, folks.
Cody: Okay, roll cameras.
Thank you so much for inviting us into your home today, Madam Vice President.
Oh, well, it's certainly my pleasure.
I thought it might be fun to talk about what's original and what's been augmented over the years.
We're talking about the building, right?
( both laugh )
Because I'm original.
You certainly are.
No, yes, the building, ma'am.
Selina: The building itself is Queen Anne style.
Many of the objay-ects-- objects are from the good old boys in the Navy, as a matter of fact.
Jolly Jack Tars.
For instance, this-- this spyglass here, or telescope--
To see spies.
( laughs )
If only, right?
You know, since you brought it up, would you care to comment on the CIA operative rescued with the students in Uzbekistan?
Well, I really-- I wouldn't know what to say because at this point the investigation is pending.
Now this here is a stunning sort of navigational device.
I just thought you might want to comment on how he endangered the lives of those young students.
But it would be wrong and unethical for me to prejudge the investigation.
This is a bell.
( rings )
Can we get some shots of just you and Janet walking in the hallway?
We're gonna just do some establishing shots.
We'll put her voice over--
We'll lay that in later.
Cody: And action.
Yeah, I thought we said that the spy thing was completely off-limits, you know?
I'm sorry, it seemed to me--
I'm really hoping that that's gonna be the last and only gotcha question.
It just seemed to me that you were wanting me to bring it up.
No, that wasn't the case at all.
I understand why you're tense.
No, I'm not tense, Janet.
I'm not even remotely tense.
Just trying to get this done right.
This is some old sh1t by somebody, I don't know who it is.
Is this house haunted?
Oh, God, I don't know.
I hate this house, to tell you the truth.
It's like living in a doll's jail.
Cynthia, could I get clips?
Cody: Okay, let's settle.
Clear the background, please.
Gives you a nicer line.
You don't need clips. Your shape is great.
But what about this?
Oh, my God.
Okay, here, let's tuck this under. Put your hands like this.
But that looks like I have a stomachache.
Thank you so much.
Okay, let's roll cameras.
Everybody settle in here. Thank you, Glen.
Man: Sound speeding.
And we are rolling.
You know what? I'm feeling a little bit dark.
Yeah, just want to...
Gary, can we get that light back?
Sorry, let's move that light back.
Can we get a couple of lights for the vice president?
Yeah, let me just pull that out of my ass.
It's DC. You can find someone willing to open their ass on a Sunday.
Great, good luck. Sound is speeding.
Everyone is set and settled. They look great.
Have you read Randall Howard's "Hearts of Power: DC's Most Influential Couples"?
Sadly, I don't have a lot of time to read fiction.
( laughs )
Janet: Now, during the election, there were reports of screaming matches with you and your ex-husband Andrew and suggestions that the smiles and shows of affection were all faked for the camera.
Was your friendship all for show?
Now, Andrew was on the campaign trail with me, really, because he shared, and still does share, my vision for America.
Amy: We'd like to reset for lighting.
We're gonna reset for lighting.
Just a quick lighting reset.
And, really, she can move on from Andrew.
I mean, she can push as much as she likes, but you're just gonna get the same answer, so...
Hmm, have you seen television news before?
No, I am hoping to get the box set for Christmas, though.
That's what it feels like.
( phone ringing )
What? Excuse me.
What are you--
Why? Why are you calling me?
Jesus, you might as well cut out eyeholes and peer through a f*cking newspaper. What the f*ck are you doing?
It's "Apocalypse Now."
There's an e-mail from Andrew to a lobbyist.
He's claiming super access to Selina.
He's bragging about it.
It's f*cking Andrew, yeah.
Madam Vice President.
Does your ex-husband Andrew have any political aspirations?
Oh, my goodness.
We've got to tell her.
We've got to tell her.
No, no, no, don't say anything to Selina.
'Cause Janet's right there.
You don't think she's gonna notice we're whispering in her ear?
Then she gets on and she tells this dildo to look it up.
And then we have a f*cking story.
What's going on?
Andrew's f*cking us again.
He's screwed us in all known dimensions.
Yeah, but this is f*cking bad sh1t.
He's political poison. He's political--
He's been in commercial real estate his entire life.
So there's no reason there would be-- should be a crossover?
Well, I certainly couldn't, you know, answer that question for him.
Would it surprise you to learn that only moments ago a blog has reported that your ex-husband promised a lobbyist favorable access to your office?
It does exist in an actual e-mail from your ex-husband.
Oh, I see. Okay.
"Hi, Jim. Remember, I have the vice president's ear and I can get all kinds of access to her."
And then there's one of those winking emoticons at the bottom there.
I'm guessing that that was meant as some sort of a joke.
You know, Andrew Meyer has no influence whatsoever over my decision-making.
It's hard to believe because you've just painted a picture of your relationship being very close, extremely close.
We're not telepathically linked.
He can't read my mind.
Amy: Hey, that's our 15 minutes.
That's the 15-minute mark. Great. Great.
Mike: Let's take a Oh! Let's take a-God!
Amy: Are you okay, Gary?
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
Sorry, could I just adjust your radio mike?
I'm getting some static.
I got it.
Ow! Whoa! Okay, my ears are my livelihood.
You don't need to--
Okay, I bet.
All right. Let's just back off.
I know that you want to kill somebody right now...
...but unfortunately it can't be anyone in the building.
When Selina told me who was gonna be interviewing me, you couldn't keep me away.
Talk to you a little later on.
I look forward to it.
I do, too.
But let's take you now and get you all changed and fixed up.
When we were married, he took longer in the bathroom than I did.
That's not true. Why would you say that?
Just get in here.
What the hell is this thing?
That's a cable.
There's a cable.
Listen to me. What were you thinking?
What? It was a joke.
Once again, Andrew, you have totally lived down to my expectations.
When I invited you here to the residence to f*ck me, I didn't mean this.
Aren't we using each other?
What are you talking about?
Okay, I'll spell it out for you.
How easy is it for the Vice President of the United States of America to get some casual s*x, hmm?
And, I know--
Let me tell you something.
That's right, I am the Vice President of the United States and I choose now not to f*ck you anymore.
Time will tell.
I've got to change.
Yeah, you look awful.
You look wonderful.
Ahem, he's gonna go just change.
Wait, where's he going?
To get my stuff.
In my bedroom.
Oh, no. Uh-uh.
Oh, Andrew's been veep-fucking? You knew about this?
Okay, this is a category five sh1t storm.
She's over. She's done. I'm gone.
Cody: Um, I'm wondering if we can get just a shot of Andrew's entrance just for establishing.
So you guys meet here, kiss, kiss, hi, hi.
It's a family getting together.
No, no, I understand what an entrance is and how to greet people. I get that.
Cody: That's great. Oh, here he comes!
Amy: No, no, no, wait, wait, wait.
Selina: No, no, you're not gonna get this.
I'm so sorry. We're not gonna do that.
We don't have a front door in our attic like in some sort of Dr. Seuss book or something.
Sometimes filming these off-guarded moments, things get a little tense.
Well, no, it's not tense at all.
We're having a great time and I'm thrilled you guys are here, but let's just do it the right way.
How are you? Nice to see you. Excuse me.
How are you?
Nice to see you.
Hi. How are you?
How often does this happen?
Once a week we get together for a gab and a gobble.
Yeah, well, I mean, you know, schedules permitting and stuff because now I really consider myself to be married to my vice presidential office.
I mean, recently Mary King and I were working through the night to avoid this shutdown.
And of course it wasn't-- it wasn't avoided, sadly.
Do you think you could have worked a little harder on that?
( laughs )
Well, we are working harder.
It's frustrating, of course.
To the American people it is.
It's a very long process.
Knock, knock, J Rock is in the--
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
We're in the middle of filming.
Oh, my goodness, Jonah.
J Dog. J Dog.
Howdy, handsome. How are you?
How are you doing?
Great to see you again.
God, you've grown up, huh?
I had a great time at your birthday party.
Great to see you. Hey, how's it hanging?
Jonah is our-- dear Jonah is our White House liaison.
And he's one of the more colorful characters in the West Wing.
I'll say. That was quite an entrance.
Oh, thank you. I try to make a mark.
I just want to say I'm a huge fan, by the way.
I love your work genuinely.
And, actually, I'm gonna give you my card just in case you ever need any sort of, like, "inside the West Wing" kind of stuff.
I do occasional media appearances.
I give great talking head.
Jonah, to what may we owe this pleasure?
Oh, I just got off the phone with the White House and in 15 minutes POTUS is going to announce that the shutdown is over.
Dan: Is that true?
Isn't that great?
Isn't that great?
Move in on her.
Yeah, the Speaker, Senate Majority Leader, and POTUS, they thrashed out a deal and we switched America back on.
Congratulations, Madam Vice President.
( applause )
We did it. We did it. You did it.
The resolution took less time than you anticipated.
Well, it took all the time leading up to this time.
So you were expecting a solution today?
Yes, I was, yes.
And yet you said it was going to be a long process.
And it was, yeah. It was.
Were you involved in the--
Janet, it's like when you loosen a pickle jar and somebody comes by and they just open it.
This is the shutdown lid loosener.
The pickle jar loosener.
I like it.
No, but can you talk us through the final agreement?
I can-- it's-- you know--
I can and I also want to eat some lunch.
Are we hungry?
Mike: Mm-hmm, definitely.
Amy: Yeah, let's get some lunch.
That's a cut. Yeah, I think that's a cut.
Mike: That's a cut.
Okay, she doesn't--
Oh, my God, she didn't know.
That reminded me why I got into this business.
I am so attracted to you right now.
I think that I'd like to just sit back and watch you all prepare this meal.
Pretend I'm not here.
I kind of want to be the fly on a wall.
Oh, my God. Andrew, that's getting everywhere.
Um, I'm gonna get you a... peeler, okay?
I don't need a peeler. Thank you.
Yeah, you need a peeler.
Actually, I don't.
Where-- I'm trying to remember where-- you know how sometimes you have something in your kitchen, you know where it is, and then all of a sudden you can't find it?
And that is what's happened to me right now.
Well, you probably have so much staff in and out of here--
No, no, no. I know this kitchen like the back of my hand.
Oh, that's not it.
Okay, I don't know where--
( groans ) This is maddening.
Do you ever have this happen to you where you're--
I'm not here.
Okay, you're not here. I'm so sorry.
I'm talking to myself. Where are you, peeler?
Okay, I got it.
It was in with the napkins inexplicably.
Here you go. Use that for the carrots.
Actually, I'm all done. I'm good.
Tell me, don't you normally have staff to cater for you?
Well, sure, but I just love banging the pots around.
And I think you would say that I'm a foodie.
So, just to flag with you, Andrew's obviously off the table.
Well, technically he's very much at the table currently.
Janet: What's on the menu?
Herb roasted chicken and some arugula salad.
Janet: Catherine, do you enjoy your folks' cooking?
Yeah, I love the way that they cook the vegetables.
The vegetables are always my favorite.
I just love vegetables so much.
Are you working for the vegetable lobby?
( all laugh )
I'll be right back.
I just have to grab something.
Selina: Please, can you use the peeler?
I'm all done with the carrots.
Oh, my God.
No, you're not.
That's all the carrots we're gonna use.
I realize there are more carrots.
We don't need any more.
( stammering ) The Get Moving campaign, which as you know I spearheaded.
As I launched that campaign, I discovered a local organic butcher.
And... he does a lot of... grass-fed...
Grass-fed cattle and free-range chickens.
Janet: What's your favorite meal that you can't wait to have?
I really-- I love the roasted brussels sprouts that my mom and dad make.
Selina: Okay, well, they're taking a break, so this gives us a chance to come in here, have a little chat.
You never told me that you were a vegetarian.
I told you three months ago.
No, you didn't, Catherine.
Now that she mentions it, I think it does sound familiar.
You know what? Just because he's a liability doesn't mean you have to be a liability, too.
Now I'm gonna tell you something. You're eating that chicken.
I am not gonna do it. I'm a vegetarian, Mom.
You swallowed chicken your entire life.
You're gonna do it again today.
I swallowed your bullshit my entire life.
Okay, look, little lady, we don't talk to your mother like that.
All right, I'm just-- God damn it.
Amy: Yes, yes, yes.
You know when you're 12 and you just get rid of it?
No. Speak for yourself.
It's gonna look really bad for your mom if she doesn't know that you're a vegetarian on TV.
I'm not gonna sacrifice my morals for her career anymore.
I've done that. It's not that bad.
Well, doesn't that chicken look just amazing, Catherine?
It looks delicious.
I love it when Dad cooks.
Janet: A man of hidden talents.
I don't like to brag.
Not about cooking, anyway.
Okay, babe, here you go.
Eat that up.
I just need to reiterate with you.
We have agreed on all of these topics.
And the Andrew e-mail story was not agreed.
Sweetheart, it's news.
Okay? It happened today. It's new with an S on it.
That's just what news is.
With all due respect, this is not news.
This is the f*cking Food Channel you got here.
Okay, well, with all due respect, f*ck you.
I own the edit on your shit-show politician that you connected yourself to, not me, you little gremlin.
Janet: And has it been a happy divorce for you, Catherine?
I think knowing that my mom had to be available 24 hours a day really taught me not to be too demanding as a child.
Selina: That's true.
So you don't feel parentally shortchanged, then, do you, Catherine?
I'm actually a big music fan, so I usually try to explain my parents in terms of music.
You know, musicians sometimes are better in bands or sometimes better solo.
They're like the Beatles, you know, better as a band or Michael Jackson, better solo.
Although not a great parent, admittedly.
Well, actually, he did okay with his own kids.
It's when other kids got involved that it got real dicey.
But, no, then he did dangle that one from a great height.
Right? Over that railing?
You know, you cross me on this and you're never, ever gonna get the veep on camera again.
Why the fuck-- why are you still talking to me, huh?
If you'd just let someone get close enough to f*ck some sunshine into you, you'd shut your mouth!
You do not know anything about me.
You think that this is easy, what I do?
Yeah, having 10,000 interests screaming in your f*cking face the way that I am screaming in your face right now all day, every day?
I am f*cking good at this.
Can we just put a filter--
Are you? This is good?
f*ck your face, Gary.
She's good at this, you guys. Sorry.
f*ck my face. You hear that?
Antique windows. Bring it down.
What the f*ck just happened?
Antique windows. Bring it down.
Amy, let's go find your dignity over here, okay?
Get her out of here. f*cking amateur.
All right. All right.
Hey, no, no, no, no.
No. Whoa, okay.
Okay, listen, you need to calm down.
At least I am giving a sh1t. You are flatlining all day.
Okay, okay. But has she been impressive at all today?
Look, I've graphed her performance, okay?
Look at this. Look at this nice little graphic.
Here's time, here's her f*cking career. ( whistles )
Now maybe there should be a little uptick because she didn't barf her food all over the table, I don't know.
So if she doesn't turn this f*cking shit-show around, guess what, I don't know which way I'm gonna bounce.
Amy, when my memaw used to find herself getting snappy, she would sing her favorite song.
♪ Oh, I wish I were in the land of cotton ♪
♪ Old times there were not forgotten ♪
♪ Look away, look away ♪
♪ Look away, Dixieland. ♪
No, guys, please.
Favorite family vacation?
White water rafting.
Which is it?
No, honey, we didn't ever go to Disneyland.
Oh, no, you didn't take me. Rosa took me with her family.
She was a...
She was... housekeeper.
Housekeeper, that's right.
You spent a lot of time with your housekeeper?
Yeah, she was like a--
We did go to India.
India was awful.
I don't know why you didn't give me this earlier.
I didn't want to give it to you before your interview.
God, you don't want any water?
No, I've gotten good at it.
Look at this. I was supposed to be stressing my successes.
Instead I'm sitting there stuffing my face with chicken.
Great stuff in there, guys. Good stuff. Thumbs up.
Andrew looks great on camera.
Get off my stairs, Jonah.
Oh, yes, ma'am.
I need to give you some straight talk right now, okay?
All of your worst fears about how this day could have possibly gone...
...have come true.
Oh, my gosh.
No, no, up here. Look at me.
You want to own this interview?
I want to own it.
Here's what you're gonna do. You're gonna do something big.
You're gonna do something bold.
And you're gonna do it in the next five minutes.
How about this? How about I lift up my dress, give everyone a big fat shot of my cooch?
Everything okay up there?
You need more pep talk?
No, let's do it.
Did he just hear that?
Use the Force, ma'am.
I don't even know what that means.
Big and bold. What do you mean?
Like a medley from "Okla"-fucking-"homa"?
Look, I tried to wake her up, okay?
I have no choice but to be the f*cking curveball.
Cody: Let's roll cameras. Sound.
Janet: So, what a lovely afternoon
I have gotten to spend with the Second Family.
How about that? Yeah.
And, Catherine, would you vote for your parents to get back together again?
No, no, no. This way, I get a Christmas and a birthday present off of each of them.
( laughs )
Catherine, how does all this affect how you approach relationships?
Not terribly much. I'm in a very different phase of my life.
You know, my boyfriend and I are very young and not really talking about marriage.
And this would be Rahim?
Janet: That is an interesting name.
Is that Indian?
It's second generation American Persian.
Calling Tel Aviv now.
And has he been welcomed into your home?
Only because it's just-- it's a casual thing and it's actually ended.
Really? I'm sorry to hear that, honey.
Catherine: That's okay.
Speaking of relationships--
Andrew, I'm sorry, I simply have to ask you about your relationship with lobbyist Jim Melita and the implication that you offered access to the vice president.
Yeah, um, it's-- um, in a word-- come on.
Perhaps it's possible that I have overplayed my hand.
Selina: Well, I think it's safe to say that Andrew overreached and just said something silly. Yeah.
I suppose that the vice president would also agree that when she said she was in the loop over national security, that also may have been an bit of an exaggeration.
I'm actually not sure that those two situations are comparable.
I believe that they are.
And insomuch as you refuse to comment on the spy allegations or the hostage situation until the investigation is complete, I, too, would like to refrain until I find out just exactly what it is I'm accused of having said or not said.
You do understand that sounds like you're playing for time and actually are hiding something?
I'm sorry, was that a question for me or Selina?
I think that question is for me.
I want to talk about the spy.
The CIA operative.
Mike: No, no.
Dan: Yeah, yeah.
There was a miscommunication for which I want to apologize on behalf of the administration.
You know, the intention was never to mislead the American people, but that was its effect.
And for that, I really am truly sorry.
But I am saying that I had full knowledge of the spy's status.
But she didn't.
Madam Vice President, this is quite an admission.
Mm-hmm. I have taken on a role now, an important role in national security and I take great pride in that responsibility.
Now, sometimes you have to act.
Always you have to listen.
Because in politics, a backbone and a heart are only as good as your ears.
And my ears are my livelihood.
Cody: Okay, that's our segment, guys.
( applause )
Man: That's it. Great. Good.
Madam Vice President, that was an amazing interview.
Well, thank you very much.
You're gonna take the spotlight back from the end of the shutdown, I'll tell you that.
Best of luck, Andrew.
Good to meet you.
Good luck with all the...
Andrew: Way to go, Team Meyer.
How about it? Right?
Honestly, that was-- that was something else, Mom.
I'm really sorry that I brought up Rahim.
I know you didn't want me to do that.
You know what? I'm sorry you had to dump him on the air.
Notes about the interview. Just want to help you keep an eye out for those.
Get out of here.
How are you doing?
I spewed out so much bullshit, I'm gonna need a mint.
A f*cking mint.
Do you want a mint?
I'll get you a mint.
No, I don't mean it.
I'm just gonna head back if anybody needs me-- West Wing.
No one does, Jonah.
No one needs you, Jonah.
Did Andrew leave?
Can you see if he's still out there?
He just left a jacket.
Oh, your jacket is up here.
I'll wait here?
Ma'am, do you need--
No, it's fine.
I know where his stuff is.
Are they gonna... it's like a victory f*ck?
He better come down.
Is he coming back down? Do we need to wait for him?
Selina: We got it.
Andrew: We're good.
Where are my parents?
Did my dad leave?
They're having-- they're having a talk.
They're having a talk upstairs.
A talk upstairs?
They might be getting you something.
Oh, Jesus Christ.