06x07 - Blurb

AMY: "Selina Meyer didn't just shatter the glass ceiling, she swept up every single shard so that my daughter and your daughters will never even know it existed.

" - ALL: Aw!

- Well, that just tickles my twat!

Gosh, Montez is actually gonna say that at my portrait unveiling in English?

Yeah, in front of 200 of Washington's most important people.

- And Mike.

- See, Mike?

That is good writing.

- Why can't you write like that?

- I'm the first to admit I'm not the world's greatest speech writer.

Ma'am, the White House wants us to finalize your guest list by the day after yesterday.

So, today.

That's a bit of a brain twister.

It's a hot ticket.

What about Congressman Jonah Ryan?

(ALL LAUGHING)

Richard, you have such a good sense of humor.

Amy, you should take a cue from him, really.

MIKE: Ma'am?

- Yes.

Oh!

- Greg Morehouse is here for our meeting.

- He's your editor.

- I know that.

Hey, Greg!

Can we get you some coffee or some tea or?

- Do you have some bai hao white tip?

- I do!

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, well, there you go.

So, what did you think of the manuscript?

- It's rough, of course, but - I think it's really interesting.

- Oh, I'm so happy!

- The dad and the horse.

I know, right?

Well - There's just one little thing.

- Sure.

We do need a bit more of the presidency in there.

I mean, the book ends with you going off to college.

That's right, yes, and the presidential stuff will be in volume two "Meyer Ascendant.

" - And three "The Meyer Year.

" - Yes.

I get that, and if you wanna stick with this book as is, I completely understand.

We're just gonna need our advance back.

- There was an advance?

- Quiet, quiet.

And Moses led his people to the land of?

- Hanukkah.

- Canaan, Rabbi.

Shut up, Nikhil.

This stupid hat is too small for my head.

Yarmulke.

Fine, this stupid hat is too small for my yarmulke.

It's okay, Jonah.

Conversion to Judaism is about a commitment to the Jewish lifestyle.

Oh, good, 'cause all this learning is giving me a yarmulke ache.

Just to remind everybody that next week, we'll be rededicating the sanctuary.

Sorry, I have to go to the White House.

President Meyer's unveiling.

- MAN: Okay.

- The final invitation list went out, and you're not on it.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I'm sorry, I can say that now and still get into heaven, right?

Actually, Jonah, Jews don't believe in heaven.

Shut the f*ck up, Nikhil!

Wait, Shawnee, how am I gonna see my dog again?

Is there, like, a Jew place for dogs?

SELINA: All right, Mike, we got 30 days to write a new draft.

Get out that diary, pick a day, and let's go.

- June 14th.

Ooh, chock full.

- Oh, goody!

Great.

Go.

Briefing on infrastructure bill, clutch with Wichita notary group, review on legislative conference regarding pharmaceutical labeling.

(EXHALES)

We're f*cked.

I don't even remember any of that.

Some things are so dull, you have to block them out.

No kidding.

I mean, I'm sure that I played with Catherine when she was a child (DOOR CLOSES)

but for the life of me, I can't remember one second.

- Oh, and there she is.

- MIKE: Hey!

Mom, we had a great wellness check at the doctor's today.

- So, is it a boy, is it a girl?

- Oh, right.

ALL: It's a baby.

- No.

- GARY: Mm-mm.

We're not doing that.

No, Mom, we don't wanna know.

Catherine, you are not going to be coy or twee about the s*x of my grandchild.

This is a human being you're making, not some Brooklyn-based, artisanal chocolate bar.

Birth gender isn't even that relevant.

She/he will decide her/his ideal gender when she/he is/are ready.

Okay, is that how we're talking now, Marjorie, like some sort of bi-curious Porky Pig?

(IMITATES STAMMERING )

I'm not doing that.

I had an aunt who transitioned twice.

She was trapped inside a man, and then that man was trapped inside of another woman.

- Oh, like a turducken.

- Mm-hmm.

Mom, it's not that big of a deal.

We have baby names picked out either way.

Yes, Leslie or Dana if it's a boy and And for a girl we like Linus.

- Seriously?

- That feels like child abuse.

Yes.

Okay, I can't.

Can you just go away, Catherine?

That's fine.

We're late anyway.

Richard has doula class and we're bringing the snacks.

- What?

- It'll be my first human birth, so.

- What is happening?

- (CHUCKLING)

What is happening?

- It just - Gender is simple!

- Right.

- You're a girl, I'm a boy.

Well.

Hey, what about some of that lezzy stuff?

You think that would spice up the book?

Catherine's forbidden affair with your Secret Service agent.

Yeah, but, I mean, does anybody really give a sh1t about two average-looking lesbians?

- I don't mind them.

- GARY: Ugh.

I'll tell you one thing people would flip out about.

Hmm?

A book about my s*x life.

- (CHUCKLES)

- Seriously.

I mean, obviously, we can't do that.

- Yeah, you can't do that.

- Really?

Why can't we?

- You can do that.

- I mean, that book would fly off the shelves.

- Fly.

- People would pay whatever it is a book costs, you know?

And everybody knows that I dated Charlie Baird.

Aw, Charlie.

But there's somebody else that I slept with.

Somebody that I worked with closely.

All due respect, ma'am, we all knew you were, uh - (IMITATES BED CREAKING)

with Kent.

- Kent?!

My snatch isn't a data port!

- What are you talking about?

- (GARY CHUCKLING)

I slept with Tom James!

- Whoa!

- No!

In the white-hot White House.

In the Oval with your running mate?!

- On a couch.

- Ma'am, we have a best-seller!

(CHUCKLING)

I mean, it was the Green Room, but.

- What?

How do you know that?

- You you said it was at the Congressional Ball.

- Oh, did I say that?

- I think so.

- Did I?

- Ma'am, we got gold.

Gold!

Do you think I should give him a call?

- That's a classy move.

- GARY: Yeah, I'll get his number.

Or I could go and I could see him in person.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You want me to go with?

I can take notes.

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

- No.

Mm-mm.

ANNOUNCER: It's the new "CBS This Morning.

" Welcome to the new "CBS This Morning.

" - I'm Dan Egan.

- And I'm Brie Ramachandran.

Jane McCabe is on special assignment.

We start our day in the state of New Hampshire where Hurricane Chloe has taken a turn for the deadly.

So boring.

God, how can anybody jerk off to her with him sitting right there?

I'm sure you'll find a way, Congressman.

The Ethics Committee is debating ending its probe into Representative Lawler's Nantucket trip.

You will vote yes despite the strong evidence of cocaine use and reckless boating.

- That guy knows how to party.

- Then Tuesday, you have the White House meeting on raising the debt ceiling.

Unless they try to kick it down the road for a couple of months and hope we get hit by an asteroid.

Are you listening to anything we're saying?

Yeah!

Cocaine, boating, asteroids, whatever!

Did you guys get invited to this unveiling thing?

Naturally.

How come you guys got invited and I didn't?

Because we worked for the president and didn't cost her the presidency.

And because we don't look like Herman Munster's brother who liked to molest that pudgy werewolf kid.

Charlie, also played by Fred Gwynne.

Season one, episode nine.

Kent, can I have your plus-one?

No, I'm bringing my jai alai instructor.

- Female.

- Ish.

- What about your plus-one?

- I work for you, I don't date you.

Maybe I'm gonna go hire some women, and I'm gonna make them date me.

And tomorrow, a s*x offender registry for dogs.

- It's about time.

- Mm-hmm.

Until then, I'm Brie Ramachandran.

And I'm Dan Egan, bringing you your morning every morning of every day for many mornings to come.

And we are clear.

Great show, people!

What'd you think of that new sign-off?

You sound like a Scientologist.

- Really?

- Kind of.

Can I talk to you for a second actually, both of you, in here?

- BOTH: Yeah.

- So, we got the results back from the first testing of the new host pairing.

Oh, good!

And something interesting jumps out from the data, which is people say that you two don't have any chemistry, which is their words, not mine, but also mine.

I've never not had chemistry with a woman.

People like the energy that you and Jane had.

It was this raw, sexual vibe because you two were Jesus, we were not f*cking!

Okay, going down on each other, whatever.

I don't wanna know!

Oh, my God!

The point is people find you two cold together.

- But I I'm actually f*cking her.

- Dan!

- Aren't you engaged to a Yankee?

- Yeah, I am.

That's why I told you not to tell anybody.

Aw, that's sweet.

Look, Dan, Brie, you two don't have to make up this crazy story - about you two f*cking.

- We're not making this up, okay?

- We are f*cking!

- Like, a lot.

Maybe you two should f*ck differently, then.

I don't know.

That's where I draw the line, man.

I don't take notes on how I f*ck.

I, however I am willing to do anything, because I cannot lose this job, not before my wedding!

Um, also just a little thing here people don't like you in yellow.

- Okay.

- DAN: See?

Told you.

SELINA: Jesus Christ, Tom.

- What is this?

- This is just temporary.

We're moving into the big office next month.

- Oh, good, yeah.

I was feeling cramped.

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

My goodness, look at you.

You keeping busy?

I am.

Yeah, I made a deal to write a book, as a matter of fact.

Well, that's funny because I did, too.

Yes, I wrote a blurb for your upcoming tome.

- Of course you did.

- Sight unseen.

Yeah, what is the title is - "Investing with a Conscience"?

- "Conscience," yes.

So, it's sci-fi?

- Just trying to keep the lights on.

- (LAUGHING)

Well, the book that I'm writing, I wanted to give you a heads-up 'cause I was toying with the notion of of perhaps mentioning our our little encounter.

Selina, there's I'm sorry to interrupt.

- No, that's all right.

- There's something I wanted to say.

You know, you did me the honor of choosing me as your running mate Mm-hmm.

and I repaid that honor with betrayal.

Yeah.

I guess my ego allowed me to believe that folksy, old Tom James was above all that beltway horseshit.

And in the end, I just turned out to be another blue bottle fly feeding on a heaping mouthful of Seabiscuit's finest.

Wow!

I didn't come here to ask for an apology, but I certainly appreciate getting one from you.

You deserve it.

If it makes you feel any better, if I was in your shoes, I probably would've tried to steal the presidency, too.

Well, that's what made the two of us such a beatable combination.

Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Selina, I beg you, please don't do this.

- Oh.

- I have a new life, I have a new wife.

And we are expecting our first child.

- Congratulations.

- Thank you.

She would be dialing a divorce lawyer if she ever thought that you and I had swapped more than, you know, appreciative memos.

- You understand that?

- I do.

Well, I guess I will have to think outside my box.

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Right.

Oh, my God, why did I have to f*ck the last remaining gentleman in Washington?

- God!

- Who said that?

Was that Dolley Madison?

It was James Madison.

- Okay, Mike, get up.

- So, how'd it go?

(EXHALES)

Well, he just begged me not to put it in.

So, none of it goes in the book?

- No, it all goes in.

- Good.

MONTEZ: With regards to the debt ceiling, I think we can all agree that none of us wants to play politics with the full faith and credit of the United States.

I brought you here Hey, did you get invited to the Meyer unveiling?

Everyone was unless you're a mole person who was cast out of his underground society for keistering sewer rats.

- I wasn't invited.

- I know.

- Roger.

- Madam President, my extremist colleagues on the other side of the aisle have launched a full-fledged and savage attack against the poor and disadvantaged of this country.

You are addicted to spending like the proverbial drunken sailor.

Okay, that part's done.

I can give you a freeze on the rate of increase on AFDC and all the Head Start cuts, but no dice on Medicare.

- I can live with that.

- All right, gentlemen, let's get this passed tomorrow.

Uh, excuse me, Ms.

Caruso, due to some oversight, I did not receive my invite to the unveiling ceremony.

I suggest you ask someone from President Meyer's team.

- Candi, are you all right?

- Of course she's all right.

Why are women always checking in on one another when I am talking to them?

Ma'am, I would appreciate it very much if I could have an invite to the unveiling thing.

That is President Meyer's invitation list.

It is her fiesta, as you would say.

Well, it's your casa white-o, as you would say.

- Madam President, are you all right?

- Oh, for God's sakes.

You haven't heard the last of Jonah Ryan.

Okay, Jeffersons, sit down.

The Black Caucus gets this room back in 20 minutes.

I do not wanna piss those guys off.

Oh, we were talking about the name, and Cherry Tree Choppers sounds a lot more legitimate.

No!

We already picked a name.

We're the Jeffersons, period.

- How about the Rough Riders?

- Oh, f*ck, that's good!

No, we're already known as the Jeffersons, okay?

And right now, we need to do something, something big that makes Montez really pay attention to us.

Mm-hmm.

Something like ending Daylight Savings Time.

- Yes.

- Something like ending government waste.

- Yeah.

- Cutting aid to Israel!

Whoa, no!

We're not gonna do that.

Are you crazy?

- Cutting aid to veterans.

- Great!

- They volunteered, right?

- CLARK: Yeah, yeah.

We're gonna do all these things, and we're gonna get invited to that unveiling.

- Who's with me?

Yeah!

- ALL: Yeah!

- Yeah!

- Wait, you weren't invited?

- No.

Were you?

- Yeah.

Oh, for Christ's sake.

Why do you keep saying Tom James and I made love?

Are you a 15-year-old girl?

- No.

- Richard!

Yes, ma'am?

I want you to get my editor on the phone, okay?

No, see, you gotta find a different word than "screwed.

" It's just hard to come up with so many different ways to curse.

Please hold for President Meyer.

I've got Greg Morehouse for you, ma'am.

Greg?

Hello!

Okay, so I have got a White House book that is hotter than Nancy Reagan's guide to cocksucking.

I kid you not.

You are gonna be so pleased!

I what?

Oh, right.

(SNAPS FINGERS)

Richard, go and turn on CBS right now.

I'll call you back.

- Hey, Tom James is on TV.

- He looks good.

That's the reason I've always said that Selina Meyer's political acumen is sharp as any you'll find in Washington.

What's wrong with that?

My goodness.

Even so, I did not expect to find myself on a couch in the Green Room at the White House, um Having s*x with President Selina Meyer.

- Right.

- Oh, my.

Tom James, who is telling us about the explosive revelations in his book "Investing with a Conscience," excerpted in this month's "Vanity Fair.

" "Vanity Fair?" Mike, how did we not know about this?

They called me a couple months ago and I thought they were trying to get me to renew my prescription.

Subscription!

TOM: I had always looked up to President Meyer as something of a mentor.

She's a year older than me.

- (GARY GASPS, GROANS)

- Okay, that is a f*cking lie!

I mean, where's the follow-up question?

- This is disinformation!

- Yeah!

Now, Senator, was President Meyer the aggressor?

Your word, not mine.

- But again, yes.

- Mm-hmm.

(SCOFFS)

I didn't rape him!

He wishes!

Ma'am, I think he's talking about you!

DAN: My guest has been Tom James.

The book is "Investing with a Conscience.

" I can't believe I said that steaming turd of a book was a refreshing take on Wall Street aimed at your conscience and your funny bone.

- Hey, you used my blurb!

- Oh, quiet up, Mike.

Gary, call the White House and tell them to cancel that stupid portrait thing, 'cause I don't wanna go.

What are you talking about?

You have to go.

I just can't take this, you know?

I've taken the rest of it.

I took the election loss, I took Andrew's infidelity, - Catherine's Catherine-ness, okay?

- Mm-hmm.

But this I cannot take.

Listen to me, Tom is a weak man.

It wasn't even that good, I gotta tell you.

Oh, please give me the permission to tell that to his face tomorrow.

- Please, I beg you.

- Oh, my God, right.

I forgot Tom is gonna be there.

- (GROANS)

- This is like Black History Month.

It never f*cking ends!

Do you want me to 69 him?

- Oh, 86.

- Yeah.

No, because then it just becomes this thing.

Okay, what about the speech?

What about the speech, all right?

President Montez is giving that amazing speech about you.

And I asked them to use the Jackie Kennedy crystal service.

- Really?

- Yep.

Nobody since Jackie has given as much for their country as you.

That is true.

If Jackie Kennedy can go through the day with her husband's philandering brains all over her dress and her head held high, looking stunning, even though they made her ride around in a convertible like an animal, I might add, you can go to the White House tomorrow and forget all about those 15 minutes where he couldn't even unzip the back of your dress.

Wait a minute, what?

How do you know that?

It was in Mike's notes.

Oh, right.

- Okay, fine, I'll go.

- (SIGHS)

Okay?

But I am not gonna have a good time.

And if one person mentions Tom James to me, I'm gonna go piss in that punch bowl.

- This country doesn't deserve you.

- I know it.

Voting closes in five minutes and we're still missing votes.

Well, well, well, sorry, boys, no votes today on legalizing tiny Fleshlights for micro wangs.

Except for you, Gellardi.

I'd wager it takes a whole roll of duct tape to strap down your hog of a cock.

For your information, we're called the Jeffersons, probably, and we're here to shove some liberty up America's ass.

If you'll excuse me, Roger, I'm gonna whip it out.

Madam Clerk, Representative Gellardi votes no on HR 2970.

- Recorded.

- CLARK: Madam Clerk, Representative Clark votes no on HR 2970.

This was a done deal!

Now look what you did, you writhing, piss-filled skin Twizzler!

You made Speaker Marwood run all the way down here!

Now the clots in his legs are gonna rush to his brain.

And maybe you were too busy biting James Bond's cable car wire to realize, but if we don't raise the debt ceiling, America's financial system is gonna go belly-up like what, Will?

Like my labradoodle, Teddy, when I cover his cock in honey and give him a sticky licky.

- No, bad!

- Look at me.

(SNAPS FINGERS, WHISTLES)

You could shut down the government.

Well, maybe the government needs to be shut down - because it's broken.

- Oh!

And when something's broken, you shut it down, and then you turn it back on again like with a router.

And if they didn't want me to shut down the government, then maybe they should've invited me to the Meyer unveiling!

Do you even know what an unveiling ceremony is?!

Look, whether I know what an unveiling is or is not is not the point.

The point is principles.

My God.

Just call off your morons, Congressman.

My morons are voting no.

(ALL MURMURING)

Madam Clerk, on HR 2970, Congressman Ryan votes no.

- (PEOPLE MURMURING)

- Lights out!


(JEFFERSONS CHANTING)

Lights out!

Lights out!

Lights out!

Lights out!

Lights out!

SELINA: Oof, here we are.

Look at this place.

It is such a dump, isn't it?

Although, I have to admit I sort of miss it.

Aw, and it misses you, too.

The one who got away.

And now she's back for her big day!

(CHUCKLES)

- Are you wearing makeup?

- No.

Yeah.

Madam President!

It is so lovely to see you again.

- My daughter misses you.

- Thank you I have no idea what these people's names are.

so much!

I know one thing she's the one who put my sweater in the dryer.

- (GASPS)

Yes!

- Right.

Madam President, we've sure missed you around here.

- Oh, thank you - Friend.

friend.

Where are you taking the Jackie crystal?

- Such a shame.

- What's happening right now?

- What are those, chips?

- Why is there Coke Zero behind us?

Ma'am, your guests will arrive in a half hour.

And they set up the Blue Room for your use.

What is this Dixie cup sh1t show?

It's like we teleported to post-Katrina Mississippi.

GARY: I know!

There's no tablecloths.

Montez is really taking this Mexican thing too far.

- Morning, ma'am.

- Hey, what is this?

Well, as of a few minutes ago, Jonah and his merry band of jizz huffers drove their short bus right into the debt ceiling vote and T-boned the entire US economy.

Treasury Secretary Baird ordered - a full government shutdown.

- Shutdown.

All nonessential White House staff have been furloughed, starting immediately.

- Okay.

- Hey, Mom, everyone.

- Did we miss it?

- No, I'm afraid not.

You know, there's not even a punch bowl for me to piss in here.

Marjorie, Catherine, congratulations are in order.

Oh, right!

Thank you.

We just hit the 12-week mark.

It's a boy.

(CHATTER)

- Congressman Furlong.

- Brookheimer!

Got your dong of a résumé.

(CHUCKLES)

I know you'd chew your own arm off to escape being handcuffed to Meyers's overly toned corpse and her dungeon of losers, but I had to go in another direction.

Tell her why, Will.

You're stronger than me, and you have a higher reserve of dignity and self-worth.

And I'm trapped in a cycle of abuse.

FURLONG: Better luck next time.

Hey, Fuckleberry Finn!

Christ, you got old.

- You wanna work for that guy?

- I really do.

- Tom!

Hi!

- Madam President.

- What are you doing here?

- (CHUCKLES)

Can I have a private word with you?

Would that be all right, or are you afraid that I'll rape you again?

- Well - (CHUCKLES)

- Well, sure, let all right.

- Come, come, come, yes, yes, yeah.

Hi.

Yeah, so good to see you, too.

I can't believe that I gave you a goddamn blurb.

- Why, Tom?

Why did you do that?

- Come on, Selina.

For Christ's sake, we both know how the game is played.

I came to you in good faith and I asked!

- Well - I did the classy thing.

Come on, we both know you were gonna go ahead and do it anyway.

Of course I was, but I had the courtesy to seem like I might not!

And then with that TV appearance.

Me the aggressor?

What is that?!

That is sick, sociopathic sh1t.

I'm worried about you.

I think you need help.

- I need help?

Oh, please!

- Absolutely.

You've got more issues than "National Geographic.

" What's going on here?

I don't understand.

- Did I do something to deserve this?

- No, no!

You did nothing.

Wait a minute, what was that?

Did I hurt your feelings because I, what because I didn't call you afterwards?

Oh, that is just so stupid.

And I would've said the same thing to you a year ago if you had called me.

Oh, ho, ho!

So, you did want me to call.

(MOCKING)

Oh, oh, poor Tommy.

- He wanted me to call him afterwards.

- Shut the f*ck up!

(INHALES)

Sorry, I should not have raised my voice like that.

Madam President, thank you for inviting us to your unveiling.

My wife is a huge fan.

Yeah, well, you know what, you can have your trophy wife and your trophy office and your trophy baby, who you won't even live to see go to college, but I still got to be president, and, tsk, you never will.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh!

I was looking for you.

They're waiting for you to begin.

I swear to God, Tom James just wanted to f*ck me right now.

- What?!

- Yeah, we had a real moment.

But he's too much of a pussy to go for my pussy.

Okay, well, that's probably for the best.

He's not gonna get away with that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, ma'am!

I'm back.

What the hell was that?

You really wanted me, didn't you?

There were sparks practically flying out of your dick!

Why am I getting this sense of déjà vu?

No, no, no, I'm not talking about the Green Room.

That was just a good, old-fashioned hate f*ck.

Selina, I do not and never have hated you!

You got that right!

You loved me.

- Stop it!

- You still love me now.

- What?!

- You do!

Admit it.

- Admit it.

Admit it!

- You are f*cking crazy!

Okay, right there, right there, what do you call that?

- What was that?

- That was You want to throw me onto this couch and pin my legs behind my head and do me.

- I am a happily married man, Selina.

- Oh, that's not an answer!

What the f*ck is wrong with you?!

What the f*ck is wrong with you?!

Okay, wha this!

What do you want me to say, Selina?

What do you want me to say, Tom, huh?

That back when I was in the Senate, the only reason that I co-sponsored S-473 was because I had a crush on you?

That when we were in Los Angeles and we walked out onto the stage to accept the nomination, and you grabbed my hand and you held it up high, and I was like, "Oh, my God, he's holding my hand.

" That when I was in the loony bin, I thought about you endlessly, and I was (DOOR OPENS)

Tom?

Sweetheart.

This is my wife, Alethia.

Alethia?

Is that her name or is that the pill you take to f*ck her?

- Alethia!

- So nice to meet you, President Meyer.

- Oh, that's so nice of you.

- I voted for you.

Well, it didn't help.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay, you know, I should head back and, uh, deal with the ceremony and so on.

Yes, yes, yes.

(MOUTHING)

You love me.

(MOUTHING)

I!

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.

Oh, wow, she looks awesome.

I'd give my left tit for those tits.

Hello.

Buenas tardes.

Good afternoon.

There are so many things that I would like to say about the extraordinary woman - who was my predecessor here at the White House.

- Here comes the love!

- Shh, I know.

Shh.

- But unfortunately, I have to return to the Oval Office to deal with the shutdown.

I know Selina Meyer, who has navigated many crises in her own term, will understand.

- President Meyer.

- Oh.

Selina.

Now, let's take a look at this beautiful piece of work.

- (CAMERA SHUTTERS CLICK)

- (CROWD OOHS)

- GARY: Oh, my God.

- It's beautiful.

- Oh.

- That's beautiful.

Thank you very, very much.

Thank you.

Oh, goodness, I do wish you could've heard President Montez's speech because she's so well-spoken, don't you think?

And this is very nice, folks.

Very nice, indeed.

You know, um I look around this room and I see so many portraits of of so many of our great presidents, and I am reminded of their many accomplishments and shining moments.

But I also like to think perhaps about their not-so-shining moments.

And that, um well, maybe none of it matters.

You know, because maybe in a hundred years, all that anyone will remember is that you have your portrait hanging on a wall in the White House.

(CHUCKLES)

So, out of respect for the furlough, um, I think we should wrap things up.

So, thank you so much.

What a what a wonderful thing.

Thank you.

That was a great speech.

Yeah, that cow put the chair in the painting.

- (WHISPERS)

What chair?

- The f*cking chair in that painting is the chair that she made love to Andrew on.

- I slept in that chair.

- And look at my neck.

I no, in the painting!

Look at my neck.

I have pardoned turkeys with fewer waddles.

My neck does not look like that.

No, it doesn't.

- Madam President.

- Oh, yes!

- I'm sorry.

- This is John Corbin.

- He's Montez's me.

- Great.

Not exactly.

I have a law degree and served two tours in Afghanistan.

Oh, congrats.

I'm afraid we're gonna have to start clearing the room so we can furlough the rest of the staff in a timely manner.

Well, that makes solid sense.

We'll get out of your hair.

Thank you so much.

Hello!

- This goes inside your jacket.

- Oh.

Ma'am, the painting is stunning.

Well, thank you, Marjorie, but you're not exactly known for your good taste.

You know what, this is your fault.

(GASPS)

No!

Yes!

I should not have come to this thing.

Jesus Christ, underage Muslim brides are less traumatized at their unveiling.

AMY: Shh.

And even they don't have to drink Coke Zero.

- At least Jonah wasn't here.

- Hey, that's positive, see?

A lot of people are saying that I shut down the government.

You're damn right, I did!

I shut down the government for wasting our money.

I shut down the government for interfering with our clocks and watches.

I shut down the post office because everybody just uses email anyway.

I shut down NPR because they're a total snoozefest, and they said this shutdown was a bad idea.

I shut down the national parks so that your parents will have to take you someplace cool on vacation, like Disney World or Cancun or Mexico.

- Okay.

- Okay, okay.

Are there any questions?

The congressman will not be taking any questions.

The congressman will not be taking any questions.

- Thank you.

- Provocative stuff there from the bad boy of Washington, Jonah Ryan.

Wall Street, meanwhile, has reacted to the shutdown with what analysts are urging us not to label a panic.

Also, are we doing our laundry all wrong?

Japanese efficiency experts say no.

Plus, our own Buzzy Kanahale's gonna be reporting the weather from the place that matters the most the beach.

- Oof, wish I could join him there.

- Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

Not me.

I'm not down to my bathing suit weight yet, so.

Oh, please, Brie, I bet you could fill out a bikini quite nicely.

- Oh, Dan.

- (BOTH CHUCKLING)

Blech!

Well, that's all the time we have for today.

- I'm Dan Egan.

- WOMAN: Bring back Jane!

- And I'm Brie Ramachandran.

- Remember, every day starts with morning.

- MAN: You suck!

- Bye, now.