07x06 - Oslo

- Madame President.

- Murman!

It's so good to see you.

Have you imprisoned any good novelists recently?


Selina Meyer!

The woman who freed Tibet!


- Lloyd is my real dad?

- Oh!

I think I'm gonna be sick.

Uh-oh, I think I know what that's about.

The governor called, he wants me to resign as mayor effective immediately.


You didn't do anything wrong.

He's appointed me the new Lieutenant Governor.

"By giving Meyer the nomination, they can ensure a Montez presidency." You look so familiar to me.

You brought a woman into my clinic to have her pregnancy terminated.

Could you be a little more specific?

Ma'am, I'm sorry, there's no easy way to tell you this.

Your mother's boat exploded off the coast of Florida this afternoon.

Andrew was the only person aboard.

MAN: Congratulations, Madam President.

Thank you.

It's very exciting.

Yes, we're thrilled.

The woman who freed Tibet is finally getting her Nobel Peace Prize.

Technically, not a Peace Prize, ma'am.

You've won the Summit Peace Award of the World Summit of Nobel Peace Laureates.

It's kinda like the Peace Prize Junior.

The American voters don't know the difference, and, frankly, neither do I.

Ma'am, I'm headed back to the hotel to work on your acceptance speech.

OK, I don't know what that's a euphemism for, but, Leon, you need to really lay it on thick.

- OK?

Tibet, Tibet, Tibet.

- You bet, you bet, you bet.

I wanna sound like Bono trying to impress his own reflection in the mirror.

- I understand.

- Yeah.



Was that Colonel Al-Saleh, the Butcher of Juba, back there by the carving station?

The Nobel people don't ask too many questions if you buy a table.

Ma'am, at this point, they're just trying to avoid losing the building.

SELINA: My Nobel prize really makes the point that I've got way more foreign policy experience than that half-wit Kemi.

I think it's pronounced "half-white." Well, "tomato, mulatto." Hey, ma'am, Catherine and Marjorie's wedding is in three weeks, and her and her wedding planner...

Can you just say you?

You and Catherine.

We're a little concerned about sitting you next to Marjorie's shaman.

- Hello!

- Congratulations, Mom.

Thank you very much.

So, I understand we're having some sort of a seating issue?

Whatever you gals want is fine by me...

As long as someone lets me have mini-vegan pigs in gluten-free blankets

- at the reception.

- Oh, God.

Listen, darling, why don't you get married over here in Europe?

Because without an American marriage license, U.S.

community property laws do not apply, my darling.

Marjorie is my soul mate forever.

- I don't know why you would bring...

- That's fine.

You and your maid of honor here can sit me next to whatever Injun Joe you want.

It's your special day, so...

- Thank you, Mother.

- You're welcome.

- I don't have a drink.

- I'll get it.

Um... when...

am I getting my meeting with President Lu about the Montez stuff?

Oh, I can't hear you.

I can't hear you.

- Legally not present.

- Guys, listen...

I just need to get in a room with Lu, one on one, so I can change his mind about supporting me for president.

Face to face, I can convince anyone of anything.

- That's not true.

- Incorrect.

You're both wrong.

- BOTH: You're right.

- OK?

Ma'am, Lu's people have been Great-Walling us.

I don't think they're anxious to meet with you.

That's why I brought along some bait.

- MINNA: Selina!

- Minna!

- Oh, Minna!

- (Minna squeals)

Lu developed a real hankering for Finnish furburger back at Camp David.

He eye-fucked her so bad he got retinal herpes.

- Minna! Oh...

- Selina!

- I don't get the attraction.

- Oh, I do.

So, my last three lovers, they are complaining that my naughty talk is both incessant and soporific.

Maybe you should let 'em choke you.

You think they would rather choke me than listen to me talk?

I can only speak for myself.

Uh, where is Lu?

- Selina Meyer!

- Murman!

Oh, my gosh, I didn't know you were still alive.

The Russians reinstalled me when they invaded Georgia.


- Oh, good for you.

- Factory reboot.

BOTH: Beep-boop-beep-beep-boop.

A bit of personal news.

I recently bought an English football club.

- Oh, wonderful!

- Leeds United.

No English players, so pretty good team.

- Oh.

- Selina, crazy idea I have.

What if I gave you money to help you win your election?

America does not stand for foreign interference in our elections!

- Who do you think that I am?

- Yes, of course.

Of course.

- It's an outrage!

- New topic.

New topic.

I want to buy your Palm Beach house for $ million.

Needless to say, real estate is a different animal.

They're not making any more of it, right?

Everybody's gotta live somewhere.

I'd rather deal with the Russian mob than with those real estate people.

It's because they're unethical, that's what they are.

Because they are working on commissions.


Six percent?

It's abject greed, in my view.

The million would be wired from the Seychelles to Malta, then back to the Seychelles, and then to you.

I'm very flattered, Murman, I really am, but your timing is horrendous.


To live is to suffer, Selina.

The human condition.

- Yes.

- Ahh!

- White people problems, right?

- OK.

- (kisses)

- Thank you.

Thank you, Murman.

- (chatter)

- KENT: You were right, ma'am.

Lu's looking for the tickee in someone's shirtee.

SELINA: What's the word, Minna?

President Lu will meet you in the West Salon in ten minutes.

He seems quite excited.

Yeah, we could see that from here.

SELINA: Keith.

- Oh, hi!

- Where is Lu?

You don't get to see Lu.

You need to go through me, that's how this works.

I know all about Lu's secret plan to get President Montez elected for a second term.

So you go, and you tell Lu that I want to talk to him directly, right now.

You're going to do exactly what we say.

- I'm sorry?

- Or else we'll tell the whole world how you vaporized a DRA leader's wedding with Hellfire missiles and also took a huge laser-guided sh1t all over Pakistani sovereignty...

OK, A, that never happened.

And B, that footage is highly classified.

It was classified...

Until somebody on your staff clicked on "Asian Girls Bound and Gagged." Oh, Ben.

Or Kent.

Or Leon.

Oh, God.

Or Marjorie.

I mean, I...

Jonah, your anti-vaccination message is bringing together an unheard-of mix of Orthodox Jews, uneducated fringe conspiracists, and Kombucha-douching private school moms.

That's the real America.

We've got three more stops this afternoon.


If we go to Kentucky, it's gonna look like a wang.

The Great Lakes'll be like the spooey.

Jonah, it's your dad again.

It's the tenth time today.

Hey, Siri, you f*ck my dad?

SIRI: I don't know how to respond to that.

Typical woman.

- I know.

- That's mine.

Clay, come on.

Let's go.

All right.

How ya doin', Harrisburg!

- (cheers, applause)

- JONAH: Yeah!

(over P.A.)

Pennsylvania, you have the second-lowest vaccination rate in the nation, and when I am elected president, you will be number one!

- (cheers, applause)

- Thank you, Pennsylvania!

- (mic clatters)

- BETH: Oh!

Thank you!

All right!



Oh, look at this baby.

- (crying)

- Mwah!

GARY: The menu has been an atrocity.

The guests are vegan, and the president won't eat anything without a face.


I saw President Lu leaving.

Is everything all right?

Yeah, everything's completely fine, Minna.


I can see the concern in your eyes, even through all the procedures.

What is it?

Is it about the wedding?

He told you?

He would not stop talking about it.

He used the phrase "complete atrocity." Complete atrocity?

Minna, listen.


So I droned a couple wedding civilians on the wrong side of the Af-Pak border.

I thought you were talking about your daughter's wedding to your homosexual doppelganger.


I was.

Um, "dr-droned a wedding" is, uh, American slang for, uh...

- "I got it, I nailed it." - Yeah, I do not think...

No, no, no.


Like, "I droned that wedding, man!" I do not think that it is slang of any kind.

Oh, I guarantee you it is.

Ask anyone... here...

MAN: Mike, we have made...

a lot of mistakes here at CBS News.


I know, right?

But I think you could be a big part of turning that around.

- Mm-hmm.

- As a special correspondent, you will be everywhere that there's news.

And I don't think it hurts that you will be our youngest correspondent, by a lot.

- Aww.

Thank you, sir.

- So we bought the "McLintalk" name, but we did not get all the intellectual property from the old show.


- I have intellectual property?

- Oh...


The classic McLintalk bits.

I mean, when your phone rings in the middle of an interview...

- Oh.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- And the horrible wife?

- (laughing)

She's horrible!

- A lot of that stuff I didn't know I was doing until people pointed it out.

- See?

Keep that sense of humor.

- OK!

Because pretty much everything else is gonna change.

MINNA: Selina, you have put me in a terrible situation.

You have just admitted to being a war criminal.

Do they give Nobel Peace Prizes to war criminals, Minna?

All the time.

Aung San Suu Kyi, Henry Kissinger, and also, the prize that you're getting, it is not the Peace Prize.

- Oh, don't start with that!

- It is a second-tier Peace Prize.

- No.

- It is made of very hard plastic.

You have left me with no choice.

I must report you.

Well, then you've left me with no choice.

- Ha!

- That was your phone.

I called Interpol before we got in the car.

SELINA: Come on, wait up.


Just a second!

Sweet Viking Christ!

Come on!

Just call Interpol back, tell 'em that you made a mistake.

I am sorry, Selina.

I have a commitment to the principles of truth and justice.

As the former president of the United States, truth and justice can gargle my balls.

- BEN: Move the f*ck out of my way.

- KENT: Ma'am, the ICC has issued a warrant for your arrest for war crimes.

That's because Autistic Barbie here tattled on me over the wedding drone strike.

- Which one?

- Nope.

The DRA guy.

- Which was the only one.

- Correct!

Secret Service says the Norwegian police are all over the airport and the hotel.

- Seriously?

- You will be extradited to the Hague and imprisoned under Article VIII of the Rome Statute.

Selina, if you request it, I can offer you asylum.

You can stay here at the embassy!

I'd just as soon stay at an Embassy Suites.

- Ahh!

- Ma'am...

it's your only shot.

- Yeah.

- Really?


I'll stay here.


Now you must formally request asylum.

Yeah, I'm just gonna go.

They can shoot me as I make a run for it.


On behalf of the Finnish Ambassador to Norway...

I grant you asylum.

- Uh...

- She prefers the word "spa." DAN: Welcome to your new office, Lieutenant Governor Splett.

Here we go.




This is where you stick an unfuckable intern.

Oh, no, no, no.

When I was a summer intern for Lieutenant Governor Plasko back in seventh grade, I was in a much bigger office.

We gotta get the morbidly obese f*ck out of Iowa.

Last night I tried to find one non-chain restaurant to eat at, and Yelp basically told me to go Fuddrucker myself.

Sounds like a settings issue.

Listen, we gotta get you national, Richard, so that's why I've already booked you on "McLintalk." And I canceled it.

RICHARD: Governor Ballentine!

You think you're hot sh1t, Splett?

First human mayor of Lurlene, straight to lieutenant governor in just a few months.

- Thank you.

- Well, now you're an ice cold dog turd, because you're not gettin' my job.

Governor, we have the utmost respect...

Save it, Manhattan Date Rape Mystery.

Splett, I'm gonna bury you so deep in bullshit make-work people are gonna forget Iowa even has a lieutenant governor.

That shouldn't be too hard.

("McLintalk" theme music plays)

This is Michael McLintock...

and it's time to McLintalk with Michael Mclintock on CBS International...

Yes, I'm still holding for Secretary Doyle.

- Mike looks good.

- Mm.

So much better.

What's he doing?

How long does it take to change an adult diaper?

MIKE: The Norwegian National Police have surrounded the Finnish Embassy in Oslo, Norway...

Oh, my God in heaven.

Selina, do you hate me?

Minna, I'm on the phone.

Ma'am, the White House refuses to get involved in your situation.

- What?!

- Although publically, Montez claims to be considering all options.

Privately, I heard she's been doing impressions of you getting broom-sticked in prison.

Are people actually laughing at that impression?

- No.

- Yes.

Is this really just about me reporting you to the ICC?


How long am I supposed to be here?

I could be dead before you ever get outta here.

Well, no offense, Ben, but honestly, that could be, like, tonight.

- God willing.

- I forgave you for not voting for me to be the head of the IMF.

Minna, you don't go to prison when you're not the head of the IMF.

- Just the prison of unmet potential.

- Ooh!

Go sit in the corner, Minna!


GARY: Here comes the shoes!

Guys, how is this affecting my chances at the nomination?

You need to get in touch with the American Ambassador to Norway.


Ambassador Costas was Montez's husband's chiropractor.

BEN: Yeah, he does most of his ambassador-ing in Orlando.

OK, that's everything.


I have no space in this room!

- I'll take it out.

- I cannot move!

It's easy.

We'll get it out.


Selina, can I ask just one teeny, tiny, very small question?



- Minna.

- Yeah.


From the bottom of my heart, I truly and completely forgive you.

Now shut the living f*ck up.

I am just sorry that I cannot forgive you for killing all those innocent people.

Get out.

- We are sharing a room.

- No, we're not.


AMY: Streptococksucker.

Do you have the chicken pox?

Clay gave 'em to me, yell at him.

- CLAY: No, I didn't.

- Clay!

Oh, sweet pustulent Christ.

You need to see this.

Disease Control is reporting a large chicken pox outbreak in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.

Oh, wow.

We got out of there just in time.

That is the eighth chicken pox outbreak in the last week, all in communities with low vaccination rates but no other apparent connection.

Oh, my God, you Patient IQ Zero!

You infected all those nutballs who don't believe in vaccinations!

Well, serves 'em right.

Didn't you have chicken pox as a child?!

Were you too busy bed-wetting and cutting fuck-holes in watermelons?

(knocking on door)

Jonah: Amy, that only works with fleshy melons.

- BETH: Duh.

- And sometimes pumpkins.


Hi, Bethy, I'm really sorry I just showed up.

Oh, no.


No, no, no!

I really wanna have a chance to talk with you, Jonah.

Can't you see I feel yucky enough already?!

Jonah, I know that you're angry with me.

I hate you so much I could walk into a supermarket and shoot everybody.

It's all right to feel that way.

I just want you to know that I love you.

And I hope someday you'll give me another chance.


I b-b-beg your pardon?

OK, you can be my dad.

I can be what?

You can be my dad if you want.

Aw, come here!

Aw, I love you, Jonah.

I love you too, Daddy.

No homo.


No homo.

MINNA: As we Finns say, the morning is wiser than the evening.

Are you feeling wiser this morning, Selina?

- OK.

Get off.

- No?

I see that we are still choosing not to make the best of the situation.

I can't.

I can't.

Who ate my yogurt?

Amerikkalainen war criminal syo kaikki.

Alleged war criminal.

Selina, I think it would be best for everyone if you can learn to follow just a few simple embassy staff rules.

- What?

- Number one, you write your name on your food in the refrigerator.

- Oh, my God.

- You see here, I've written "Minna," and I have written it with a permanent marker.

Number two, if you use a bowl or a spoon or a plate or a cup or a jug, afterwards, you would wash in the sink.


Selina, if you go to prison, you will not have your Gary to clean up after you.

- OK, look...

- No, I'll be there.

You gotta see what's on TV.

Come on.

Maybe it's time for me to just turn myself in, Ben.

What is it?

What's going on?

...Americans have come out in force to show their support for the former, and possibly future, president,

- Selina Meyer.


Footage rolls.

Free Selina now!

- SELINA: What?!

- It turns out Americans don't give a flying fatwa if you drone a bunch of Muslims!

Your favorables have never been higher, ma'am.

For polling purposes, you're practically a generic white male.

- (Gary laughing)

- This is incredible!

I feel like the Grim Reaper just dropped his scythe and started eating me out!


Ma'am, Catherine just had the most romantic idea.

- Oh, good.

- Getting married here in Europe.


Oh, Catherine!

What a wonderful idea.

Thank you, Mother.

Gary, can you put something together here, at the embassy?

I found the perfect dress at the Oslo Medieval Festival.

- Ohh, I doubt it.

- SELINA: Oh, good.


Ma'am, we got bigger reindeer to f*ck here.

Guys, listen to me.

A wedding got me into this hot mess...

a wedding's gonna get me out of it.

A Potemkin wedding, if I may coin a phrase.

Please don't.

Look, we need a plane to get us home, correct?

MIKE: ...Selina Meyer live via phone.

- Hello, President Meyer.

- Hi, Mike.

You know, I just want to thank the American people.

I mean, obviously, while it is regrettable, the loss of... of innocent lives, I will never, ever apologize for keeping Americans safe.

Uh, ma'am, we have the drone footage here.

Would you take our viewers through it?

Guest speaks as footage two rolls.


Well, this is the compound belonging to Hamza Al Bashir.

Now, hold on.

What is that right on over there, ma'am?

Is that an elephant or something?


Yeah, I believe it is.

Apparently, Al Bashir had some sort of a private zoo, and that's actually how we were able to locate him.

MIKE: And boom!


There goes the elephant.

- BEN: Ma'am?

- Yeah.

I think I may have found us a plane.

Governor, it's so nice of you to come with us to comfort Jonah.

Jonah Ryan has as much chance of becoming president as a stack of retarded raccoons in a trench coat, but if anyone's crawling out of our cesspool of a state to become his Ag Sec, it's gonna be this pigfucker.

I didn't realize there was a job requirement.

(crowd chattering)

Oh, my God.

What do you think?

Beige or Tuscan beige?

Tough call.

They are... the same.

And how is the blushing bride?

Mother, come on.


- This is the best I could do.

- Gorgeous.

- You always do this.

- I do what?

- Do you remember my th birthday?

- No, I certainly don't.

Do you remember my th birthday, then?

Do you remember that?

No, darling.

I don't remember any of them.

Do you remember my high school graduation, or my college graduation?

I didn't know the theme of the wedding was Edward Scissor Sisters.

- I mean, seriously.

- I'm gonna pause.

Those sandwiches aren't gonna finger themselves.

- I'll be right back.

- Catherine, I do not want to fight with you, my darling.

- I...


- No, honey, listen to me.

I am so very proud of you and your decision to get married... here.

- Thank you, Mom.

- Mm-hmm.

And you...

You look amazing.

And I'm amazed by your look.

Um, I'm just gonna freshen up.

- OK.

- OK.

- (door closes)

- OK, we're all good.

- Where's your mother?

- She went to the bathroom.

- That's not the bathroom.

- Wh...

BALLENTINE: If I could just have a moment of your time, Congressman.

JONAH: Will you move?

You're blocking the TV.



I think in a Ryan administration I could really make a difference at Agriculture.


There isn't gonna be a Dep of Agriculture.

I'm gettin' rid of it.

- What?!

- Richard, who is this guy?

I'm the f*cking governor of Iowa, you nitwit!

And you just cost yourself a spot in my administration!

- I'll call you a cab, Governor.

- NANCY: Jonah, your dad's here!

- JONAH: Oh, hey, Dad!

- Look who's ready for a chicken pox party!

- Oh, what, I gave my dad chicken pox?

- Second time!

RICHARD: Now I can really see the family resemblance.

JONAH: Two generations of scabs, yo!

f*ck me with a side of ranch.

See ya back at the office, Governor.

(crowd chattering)

(Catherine moaning)

What has your mother done now?

She used our wedding as a diversion to escape from the Norwegian National Police!


Kitty Cat.

It's all right.

We'll just get married back in the States.


We are gonna get married right now, in Europe, because it's romantic.

Do you wanna maybe...

clean up first?


I feel f*cking pretty.

- (sobbing)

- GARY: Uh...

I'm sorry.

Who taught you to do a smoky eye?

Joint Special Operations Command.



It's not bad.

These tunnels date back to World War II.


Local citizens banded together in secret to assist the Nazis.

I think we should be underneath the security perimeter by now.

- How can you tell?

- MURMAN: Ben.

Over here.

- BEN: What's that?

- MURMAN: Ben.

- BEN: Oh!

- SELINA: Murman!

- MURMAN: Selina.

- I am so happy to see you!

You have no idea!

- I have helped many tunnel escapes.

- SELINA: Oh...

- Funny story.

- Oh, here we go.

Once, I told my enemy it was tunnel escape, but in fact, I just buried him alive.

- Murman.

- (laughs)

Actually, it was her, but story is funnier with a man, huh?

In these #MeToo days, you know?

Actually, I think it could work with a woman.

Either way, it's a very good story.

Beginning, middle and end.

Plus a lesson.

But I would never, ever buried alive my dear old friend Selina.

Chivalry is not dead, Murman.

No, no, no.

Her name was Svetlana, and she's definitely dead.

Yeah, I think the story does work better with a man.

That was my first instinct.

Well, there you go.

Now, my car will take you to the airport...

- OK.

- And the airplane is waiting to run out of gas and drop you into the North Sea.


Just kidding.


- You are bad.

- You believed me!

BEN: Ha!

You got us.

SELINA: I want to make one quick stop on the way to the airport.

- BEN: What?

- Yeah, I wanna just pop in and grab my Nobel Peace Prize.

Ma'am, that's the Nobel Prize of bad ideas!

- No, that's economics, OK?

- KENT: We need to be out of this jurisdiction immediately!

Oh, please, I've got America on my side, and America doesn't give a sh1t about anything!

KENT: The Hague gives a sh1t.

BEN: We are not in America.

We just crawled out of a drain!

- SELINA: Wait, what?

- BEN: We're not in America right now.

BEN: For cryin' out loud.

OK, look, call Leon right now.

Tell him to get his dick out of whatever homeless woman froze to death in front of the hotel, meet us over there with the speech.

Let's go!

Call him, call him, call him!

(typing on laptop)

Hi, I'm Dan Egan, I used to work at the White House.

You barely worked at the White House.


Ho ho ho ho!

Oh, Ames, I almost offered to help your career, then bang you and tell everybody in the office you're an unstable slut.

It's a new dress.

BETH: Come on, come on.

Dumb child locks.

- Need some help?

- Thank you so much.

How long have you been taking these?

Ever since Jonah whacked me on the nose at the rally, but the pain went away in two days.

They gave me pills, though, so now I've just been taking 'em for the going-away of my feelings.

So you're not pregnant.

Oh, no.

Jonah and I don't want any more kids until I can get my cake pop business off the ground.

And we can do genetic testing to make sure they're not born dead.

- Hey, Jonie.

- Yeah?

Right now you have a historic opportunity to speak to our better natures, bring the country together.

But to do that, I think you have to tone down the angry, incoherent rhetoric a bit.

I have kinda pushed it, haven't I?

A little bit, Jonie.

OK, Dad.

Yeah, I will.



Hey, Mom, will you make us some pancakes?

- Ooh!

Banana pancakes.

- Yeah, banana pancakes.

I don't think I have any eggs.

- Boo!


- Boo!

Go to the store to make pancakes!

BOTH: Pancakes!


Jonah, I think that...

Oh, my God!


- Dad?

- Oh, my God!

Call - - !

- Dad!

- RICHARD: Make sure his nose is wet!

- What?

- Uh, that's for dogs.

SELINA: Let's go.

We gotta move.

We gotta get this thing and get to the airport.

- SELINA: President Lu!

- Oh.

You're a hard man to get ahold of.

- (speaking Mandarin)

- (repeats same in Mandarin)

Are we really doing this again?

We all know he speaks English.

- (speaks Mandarin)

- I like your hair like that.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

Selina Meyer.

Why am I not surprised to see you?

Sit, please.

Lookit, Lu, we have always been able to do business together.

If I'm elected, the U.S.

is gonna import a shit-ton more of your tainted baby formula and defective drywall.

- A little secret.

- What?

Different label, same product.



Any islands you want, Lu.

Diaoyu, Spratly...

Florida Keys, even.


President Montez has been a great friend to China.

Our loyalty to her is unshakeable.

I'm sorry.

You can have Tibet.



You can have Tibet back.

Are you f*cking kidding me?


Right after the election, you can have it back.

I mean, I'll have to condemn your actions publically, of course.

Of course.

But then we'll propose a U.N. resolution,

- you'll veto it...

- I will.

Then, ya know, have at it.

Is being president in a democracy even that great?

- Well, it's barely a democracy, so...

- I agree with that.

I got a thing to get.

Do we have a deal, or...?

- Sure.

- I knew it.

- Yeah.

We're good.

- You're a good man.

I like it.

You look good in a bowtie.

Everything OK in here?

SELINA: Oh, you bet.

'Cause you're my lapdog now.

- OK.

- Yeah.

I thought I would take just a few moments of your time to remind you of the plight of the Azerbaijani minority in Georgia...

SELINA: I'm here!

- (applause)

- Thank you!

I'm here!

Thank you!

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, thank you!

It's very perilous for you to be here.

Thank you so much!

Thank you!

- I don't think you should...

- Give it.

Thank you so much for that wonderful introduction.

- (applause dies down)

- Thank you.

When the committee called to tell me I would be receiving the Nobel Peace Prize...


Summit award...

I considered telling them I didn't want it.

You see, it's never been important to me to be honored publically.

But I decided to come tonight.

Not for myself, but for the country of...


Imagine a world where Tibet were not free.

Imagine that.

And one of the world's great human treasures, Tibet's lamas, like these right here sitting in the front row, looking at me...

would certainly be imprisoned and tortured in the most vicious ways imaginable...

possibly even k-illed.

Oh, God Almighty.


So maybe I should just wrap this up.

Shall we scroll, um, ahead, please?

Could you just...




Tibet must always be free.

Free today, free tomorrow, free forever.

Oh, God.

- (applause)

- Thank you.

MAN: Wonderful!

- Photos, please.

- Oh.


No one's ever gonna forget that speech.

You're fired.

All right, let's get out of here.

Take this piece of sh1t.


Selina, stop.

You give me no choice...

Goodbye, Minna.

Wow, talk about inhumane droning.

I guess I've got a type.

AMY: Dan?

- Hi.

- So nice to see you...

- (kissing)

- on this sad occasion.

So I thought maybe we could get a drink and...

Oh, sorry.

Ames, this is Layla, my girlfriend.

It just feels so weird saying that out loud.

I can't help it.

- LAYLA: Hello.

- Hi.

Layla's an OB-GYN.

I know what she does.

Oh, God, of course.

You guys have...

Have already met.

Classic Egan.

(awkward chuckles)

Are you OK here?

- Mm-hmm.

- Yeah?


DAN: What's up, man?

So, how was your follow-up appointment?

Less of a metal tube up my vag than this.

WOMAN: I'm so sorry, Nancy.

Adult chicken pox can be very serious.


Thank you for coming.

Don't blame yourself, Jonah.

- It's not your fault.

- Uh...


Can you get her a pill or something and calm her down?

I don't want diazepam, I want something good.

- OK.

- Jonah, I gotta talk to you about that.

- OK.

Oh, God.

- Jonie, Jonie.

I'm just so sorry.


Thank you, Uncle Jeff.

I really appreciate that.

Sorry you killed your own father and I wasn't there to see it!


- Sorry!

- Uncle Jeff.

Could you please stop laughing?

I can't!

I can't believe you gave him chicken pox.

I always had you pegged as an AIDS guy.


(Richard chuckling)

It's not funny, but his laughter is infectious.

I can't breathe!


- I can't breathe!

- Mr. Kane, you're gonna come with me.

Here's my hotel key.

If you got a dick, I'll pay double.

JONAH: OK, everybody can come in and take a seat.

- Hey, babe.

- I love you.

Love you too.

So first off, I guess, thanks, everybody, for coming.

And, um, as most of you know, I didn't get a lot of time with my dad, but I think in the time that I did have with him I realized what a stupid loser he was.

He didn't deserve me.

Or even my mom.

All he ever did, actually, was run out on us.

First, all those years ago, and now by dying.

BETH: Whoa...

And I guess I don't even know if I liked him that much, because he probably woulda sucked like all of my other step-dads.

And I don't care that he's dead, because I am very strong.

BETH: You're so beautiful.

We're having cake pops at the house later.

- BETH: Who wants to go dancing?

- I'm leaving.

This place sucks.

My husband's right there.

Richard, that b*st*rd Ballentine, he caught shingles from Typhoid Jonah.

He went blind with partial paralysis and has to step down.

Oh, my God, that's awful.


That makes me...

I mean, you, the governor of Iowa!

- Congratulations to us both.

- Oh, my God.

SELINA: So listen, you guys, we have to start thinking about the convention.

- Sure do.

- And possible veep candidates.

There are a lot of people I want to snub.

- Ma'am.

- Yeah?

Check this out.

SELINA: Oh, my God!

Is that Richard?

Governor Splett.


- KENT: Yeah.

- (protestors shouting)

- SELINA: What the hell?

What's going on here?

I thought nobody gave two Osama bin sh1ts about the drone strike.

This is about killing elephants.

There's two things Americans don't like to see get hurt: animals, and white girls on spring break.

KENT: The story is everywhere.

Peggy Noonan has a column about Babar and American exceptionalism.

She's a dumb c**t.

Is this gonna affect my numbers, ya think?


(protesters shouting)

Oh, my God!

He's giving me the finger.



(protesters shouting)

As many of you know, it has been a difficult week for me with the death of my dumb father and my hot wife going into rehab.

Which, when you think about it, kinda makes her hotter, ya know?

But with the Lord's help, I got through it.


And when I say Lord, I mean Jesus Christ Almighty, not the Jewish one.

(cheers, applause)

Now, there has been a lot of debate about whether vaccines do or do not kill people.

And they do...

That's just science.

But the other real killer...

is diseases.

And how do these diseases get into America?

- ALL: How?

- Immigrants.

- MAN: Kill 'em!

- Yeah...

Well, I mean, we don't have to kill all of 'em.

There are some good immigrants.



Brookheimer, do you have anything to eat?

- Um, I've got gum and Advil.

- Ugh.

He had this carne asada that I think was a family recipe.

That guy stays.

But we are not going to stop diseases unless we close our borders!

- ALL: Yeah!

- From now on, no one in, no one out!

Thank you.

No one in, no one out!

(knock on door)

- What?

Wh-Who's there?

- It's Richard.

- Who?


- Governor Richard Splett?

- Ohh.

- We brought you some flowers.

Word is out on you, Splett.

You're living proof that the worst people in politics always succeed.

I'll tell ya something else, Splett.

Listen carefully.

Someday you'll be an old man, and you'll...

Governor, now that you're a super-delegate, have you given any thought as to who you're gonna be endorsing at the convention?

Isn't there any way I can endorse all of them?

- (laughter)

- All right, thank you guys so much.

Pull up a chair, Splett.

I've never told anyone this before.

I have a daughter in California.

She doesn't know anything about me.

I've seen photographs...

on the internet.

Did President Meyer find a way to steal the nomination from me like she stole South Carolina?

If you can't figure out how to steal South Carolina, you have no business being president.

I'm not gonna let them take this from me.

I was right!

I should be president!

That's not funny, Kent.

I haven't been funny since .

I didn't come to North Carolina to lose.

I don't even like to change planes here.

♪ (dramatic music plays) ♪

I just wanna be president.

Do you want six almonds?



♪ (music concludes) ♪