02x01 - Sand Hill Shuffle

(people chattering)

(dramatic music playing)

(grunts) Ah! f*ck. Yeah, it doesn't matter.

Whoa. You okay there, Richard?

(jazz music playing) Uh, yeah, I'm fine.

Sorry, I can't really throw it any slower.

Give it another cut, Richard.

No, I'm fine. I don't want to.

Maybe someone else wants to. Who's next?

If someone has to go, I'll go, but it seems very frightening.

You sure? You got us for the whole hour.

Anyone?

Would it hurt your feelings if no one went?

♪ ♪

Man on P.A.: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the annual Stern-Taylor fall classic.

I'd like to start by making a toast to our very special guest tonight, Richard Hendricks.

Richard, after your perfect game at TechCrunch Disrupt a few weeks ago, we fell in love with you and your tech.

Look, we know everyone in the Valley is after you, and we know that you're probably going to go with Peter Gregory, but we'd love to have you come play on our team.

Let Stern-Taylor Capital Fund in on your Series A financing, because together, Richard, we'd be... a home... run!

(organ plays "Charge") (applause)

Oh, right.

What do you say, Richard?

I'll... I'll do what I can.

(scattered applause) All right.

Have fun, everybody.

(jazz music playing)

I don't know, man. It's starting to feel weird letting all these firms suck up to us, even though we're not gonna take their money.

Richard, Peter Gregory hasn't officially given us the term sheet yet.

Yes, but he will tomorrow when he gets back.

If you can't enjoy this many people kissing our ass at this level, then I feel sorry for you.

Would you just relax and take it in for a second?

I mean, we are getting our dicks sucked at the AT&T Park.

We're standing on the field of the World Series champions.

It's totally lost on me.

Yeah, I don't give a sh1t, either.

Hey! I'm Nicole Stein.

I lead the Growth Team at Stern-Taylor.

Oh, I'm Dinesh.

I'm Gilfoyle.

I love it. So what do you two do at Pied Piper?

I'm the CTO.

Ha ha, he's joking. I'm the CTO.

f*ck you, I'm joking.

Okay, how could you be the Chief Technology Officer?

I get it. You hear the word "chief," and you think "Indian Chief." but you're the other kind of Indian.

Okay. One, f*ck you.

I'm Pakistani. And two, how could you be CTO of anything?

You have to be able to organize, you have to be able to delegate, and you have to be...

I delegate you to go get me a f*cking beer while I talk to Nicole.

George Silver, operating partner at Stern-Taylor.

So, what do you do at Pied Piper?

He's the CTO.

(music continues)

That's Drew Houston. We've been circling each other for the last 20 minutes.

Ooh, the Winklevoss twins.

Look at them. They're like two genetically enhanced Ken dolls.

Do you know how much bitcoin they're worth?

Oh, sh1t, they're splitting up.

Cameron's the left dominant one, right?

I can't tell them apart.

I'm gonna come at him from the right side, try and herd them back together without spooking them.

Watch this. Cameron! Cameron!

Okay.

Well, well, well, look who's the big swinging dick.

Hey, Javeed, everything okay at Goolybib?

You gotta ask them. They canned me.

What?

Yeah, our investors got spooked by a possible down round, so they shoved an acquisition down my throat.

Yeah, an acquisition of $200 million, right?

Yeah, they all made out. I had a reverse vest with no triggers, then I lost all my shares when they fired me.

I blew my whole signing bonus renting that house.

I'm looking into suing 'em.

Jeez.

Look, all I can say is, don't get f*cked, all right?

You take money from the wrong dudes, and you'll get smoked as bad as I did.

Just be careful. Everyone is watching you now.

Yeah. Totally. I know. Thanks, Javeed.

(emphatically) No, I mean they're watching you right now.

(organ plays "Charge") (fireworks exploding)

Oh yeah. (cheers, applause)

Damn it. Where is that camera?

(theme music playing)

Dinesh: I can't believe how many gifts we're getting.

Gilfoyle: Gifts I'm getting.

That Oculus rig is addressed to the CTO.

No, I'm the CTO.

As your superior, I order you to give me that Oculus.

You can't make me do stuff. You're not the boss of me.

Actually, I am the boss of you.

Okay.

Richard, tell him I'm CTO.

Dinesh: You already told that fat guy that I'm the CTO.

Stop, stop, stop. Please stop.

I have a ton of work to do. You have work to do.

Maybe let's do the work instead of that.

Jared, we were supposed to get a term sheet today.

Have we heard from Peter Gregory? (keyboard clicks)

Peter Gregory is dead.

What?

(keyboard clicks)

♪ ♪

Holy sh1t.

He was the smartest, shrewdest...

(scoffs) strangest man I've ever known.

I can't believe that he's gone.

(clears throat) Can I asked what happened?

Yeah. He was... in the Serengeti on safari...

Ah. and he had just gone into his tent when a hippo wandered into the camp.

Oh, wow.

He was attacked by a hippo?

No, I guess the hippo started to charge when the guide grabbed his rifle and shot at it, but... his aim was off, and...

And he shot Peter Gregory by accident?

Yeah.

No, he... he missed... but I guess the sound of the gun startled Peter, who... ran out of his tent and...

Ran right into the hippo?

No, the hippo was also startled by the noise and had run off prior to Peter exiting his tent.

So, what happened to Peter?

He hadn't run in a long time, maybe ever, and you know, he just...

That was it.

Oh, that is so... very strange. (clears throat)

Very sad and tragic.

Very sad and strange.

Richard: Wow.

♪ ♪

See ya.

Man, that is so weird. I mean, one minute Peter Gregory is here, the next, he's just gone.

Jared, it's Erlich.

I need you to set up all the other VC meetings, ASAP.

Line 'em up nuts to butts.

What are you doing? Monica just said they're still gonna fund us.

We should just sit tight.

Look, I loved Peter Gregory maybe even more than he loved me, but there's something you need to know here, something that Monica isn't exactly volunteering up, and that's all of these one-man firms have a key man clause.

Do you know what that means?

No.

It means that now that Peter Gregory is gone, all the Raviga investors have the contractual right to cash out and walk away, which means that by the end of the day, there may not be a Raviga.

Seriously?

Yes, so we have to prepare for that.

Now, I know that it makes me sound like a terrible person, but we have a company to run. And do you know who the first person to agree with me would be?

Peter Gregory.

Woman: And that is the very first spot in our new campaign heralding the upcoming release of Nucleus this January at CES.

Any questions?

I have a question.

That was horrible. I just got humiliated by a f*cking teenager at TechCrunch Disrupt, and you give me this tampon ad?

A girl with diabetes on a swing?

I think she has cancer.

At least that's how I read it.

I don't care what kind of disease she had!

All I care about is that Nucleus is better than Pied Piper.

Hendricks just left us all in the dust.

If we get this wrong, we could blow the business opportunity of a lifetime!

Data creation is exploding.

With all the selfies and useless files people refuse to delete on the cloud, 92% of the world's data was created in the last two years alone.

At the current rate, the world's data storage capacity will be overtaken by next spring.

It will be nothing short of a catastrophe.

Data shortages, data rationing, data black markets.

Someone's compression will save the world from data-geddon, and it sure as hell better be Nucleus and not goddamn Pied Piper!

I don't know about you people, but I don't wanna live in a world where someone else makes the world a better place better than we do.

"Data-geddon." Is he married to that, or...?

There's just been a lot of "geddons" lately.

That's true. "Snow-mageddon," "Car-mageddon."

There's that movie "Armageddon."

♪ ♪

Laurie, you wanted to see me?

Monica, come in, come in. I'm sure you've heard by now that I've been named our new managing partner.

Yes. Congratulations.

Did the limited partners tell you how they made their decision?

Oh, they looked at the portfolio performances of each of the senior partners over the last several funds, and my numbers were, objectively, the most favorable.

Therefore, I was selected.

Yeah, it's just managing partner is all about meeting with people and interacting with people.

You can sit down if you want to. Do you want to?

Oh.

Or should we stand?

Uh, I... whatever... I'm standing...

Okay.

But you don't have to.

Okay.

Would it make you feel awkward to sit?

I'm okay to stand.

Monica... Of course.

Peter Gregory is dead.

Yes, I know.

On a personal note, his death is very sad.

But on a professional level, it's untenable.

I've been reviewing his files.

He was pursuing a number of extremely dubious positions.

Are you aware that we own a $30 million ostrich farm in Morocco, or that we are the majority stakeholders in three companies that specialize in invisibility?

This box is filled with napkins covered with notes detailing Peter's conviction that genetically-modified cranberry fungus would become the next cotton.

That... That one I remember, yes.

Monica.

Mm-hmm.

Peter Gregory is dead.

Yes.

We need to seem competitive, now more than ever, to our investors as well as to the industry at large.

Well, I mean, Pied Piper is probably the hottest early investment in town right now, and we have them.

Do we?

But why then are they speaking to other firms about investing in their Series A?

No, no, I just told them to sit tight for a day or two until we sorted things out.

It seems that that advanced a sense of uncertainty, and now we're at risk of losing their round.

This could jeopardize the firm and, by extension, your career here, Monica, as an associate partner.

Well, I guess I was just kind of in shock.

Monica...

(sighs)

Peter Gregory is dead.

♪ ♪

Yes. I know.

(Erlich chuckles) This is great.

Do you know how many times I've gone into these rooms with nothing but a half of an ass in my hand?

We're walking in there with three-foot cocks covered in Elvis dust.

Really?

Richard Hendricks? They're ready for you.

This is a f*cking layup, guys.

Okay, let's do this.

♪ ♪

Not you, Jared.

Now, with proper funding, we should be able to put together a functioning beta in time for CES and compress Nucleus out of the marketplace.

(both chuckle)

Yeah.

I don't know.

You don't... What?

It just doesn't seem worked out to me.

Well, I mean, it was worked out enough to win TechCrunch Disrupt.

Yes, and congratulations, you won 50 grand, but you're asking us for 200 times that.

Richard, look, we all know about your amazing... compression rate, but let's not be naive here.

You can't expect to just throw money at an algorithm and beat one of the largest tech companies in the world, so why don't you rework this a little and come back in with a little more?

Maybe next week?

And?

That was really weird.

I guess we don't have as much Elvis dust on us as I thought.

You see? This is why I wanted to go with Peter Gregory.

This is bullshit. That guy throws this huge party for us and then acts like he doesn't even want us?

I f*cking hate parties. And he's just, "Come back next week when you have more."

More? More than 5.2 on Weissman?

(scoffs) No. No.

f*ck that guy. f*ck this place. f*ck this whole place.

Watch me f*ck this place.

No, wait! Wait, wait!

Hey. Remember when you told me to come back when I had more?

And then I said I would? Well, I'm not going to.

Ever. This doesn't count.

I'm covered in dust. I'm a three-foot dick, and I've got half an ass to go to some other company who's never gonna put me on a Jumbotron or throw balls at me.

Bye.

Are you feeling unwell? Do you need protein?

I don't know what happened.

Between Peter dying and Raviga maybe being gone, I just... I just wanna get funded and build Pied Piper.

I hate this part.

Well, if one thing is for sure... (sighs) if we're gonna get any traction, I need to step up my game.


(cellphone chimes)

It's an email from Ron LaFlamme.

"Just got a term sheet from Stern-Taylor. They offered five million at 25 million post-money valuation. More than I thought."

sh1t. They were negging us.

Negging?

Negging is going negative.

It's a manipulative s*x strategy used by lonely chauvinists.

See, everybody wants us. By sh1tting all over us, they try and bring our price down, but you sh1tting all over them counteracted them sh1tting all over us.

You negged a neg. Richard, this could be good.

Where do we have next? Ross-Loma Capital.

Should I keep doing it? Should I keep negging?

No, no, I'll handle this.

If they want to negotiate using hostility and rudeness... well, they picked the wrong guy.

Well, you see, our main concern is how you're going to achieve escape velocity on your growth rate...

(chuckling) hit critical mass.

I'm sorry. What... What's funny?

It's just that painting behind you.

It's awful.

It looks like harlequin Kama Sutra done poorly.

So, I agree, bad culture fit.

I think we all just move on.

Look, I didn't say anything about a culture fit.

No, I did.

Okay. Well... thank you for meeting with us.

We have a bunch of these things to go to, hopefully with more tasteful artwork, and your logo looks like a sideways v*g1n*.

I find that to be racist, don't you?

♪ ♪

Okay, here's my concern... Here's my concern...

Who the hell picked out that shirt for you?

What?

Oh, I see.

With the pants, so I guess it's a whole... thing.

My wife picked these out.

Then you married poorly.

Do you care about Pied Piper?

Do I care about Pied Piper? Well, of course.

'Cause if you do, I'm not seeing it.

In fact, what I think I'm seeing is the human equivalent of a "flassid" pen1s.

"Flak-sid." It's actually pronounced "flak-sid."

Not a lot of people know that.

Well, we are definitely interested, but I think we need to...

I'm sorry. Is something wrong?

No, this is... all wrong.

I am sensing a general lack of vision.

Your muffins smell like sh1t.

So do your ideas.

One of you is the least attractive person I've ever seen, and I'm not gonna say who.

Should we leave or should you?

We just got offered eight at 40.

We're five for five, gentlemen.

And Galveston Capital Fund and Yountville Ventures called.

They want to move their meetings up before everyone else.

Hey, let me try. I want to be rude at this next one.

Go for it.

So, with some proper funding, we should be able to get a functioning beta in time for CES.

And if you don't fund us, you're a f*cking slut.

(music stops)

Ah. What's that smell?

Is that a fart? You... Are you a farter?

Now, can I have a pastry? Or are you guys gonna eat 'em all?

'Cause you're gonna get fat.

It's not your fault, Richard. This is just something that can't be taught, so leave the next one to me. I can feel a big one coming on.

What are you gonna do?

I'm not sure yet, but give me room.

There's something inside of me that has to come out, and who am I to stop it?

(computer beeps)

His balls?

He put his balls on the table?

Right on the table.

On purpose?

I don't see how it could be by accident.

Richard, I just got an email from the guys at Midland-Oak.

Apparently, there is a line, and I crossed it...

The line between $12 and $15 million!

Ba-bam! Midland-Oak's offer just came in.

Gentlemen, we are valued at 75 million, fully diluted.

Are you sh1tting me?

Take a look at these term sheets.

There is a linear correlation between how intolerable I was and the height of valuation.

Hey, you guys. This is Laurie Bream, the new managing partner at Raviga.

Hi. I'm Richard Hendricks.

Yes. I recognize you from your photograph.

It's very nice to meet you in person.

Yeah.

Okay, so we did that.

Gentlemen, I am aware of the degree of interest you are receiving from other firms.

I am aware that participation in your Series A will require a very competitive offer, but for numerous reasons, I believe it to be the prudent decision.

Now I am presenting you with this.

20 million at $100 million valuation?

I don't, uh...

This is way more than any other offer.

Correct. That is very much intentional.

So, I believe that satisfies your requirements?

Monica will arrange a time to formalize the details.

Thank you. Have a good day.

Uh, thank you.

♪ ♪

Yes.

Yes. (chuckles)

Congratulations, guys. I am so glad...

(car engine starts) Oh, sh1t. She's my ride home.

I'll call you, Richard.

Yeah, okay.

Wait! Laurie, hold on! Thanks for stopping...

(guys laughing)

Guys, I think we're funded.

Yes! Richie!

Oh, yeah!

(urine pattering)

Erlich: So, I push my dick to the side, unbutton the bottom buttons, (laughter) and bam!

Ah! What are you doing?

sh1t. Sorry, sorry. Sorry.

(stammers) Meet me on the side of the house.

I... okay.

Okay. Go.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

If anyone finds out that I came back here, I will get fired, okay?

Okay.

Don't take this deal.

What?

You are worth half that at best.

Oh. Wow. Thanks for the compliment.

No. The credit to you guys. You negotiated your asses off, but this is a classic runaway valuation.

What's wrong with that?

Pied Piper will be tied to this crazy valuation that you will never be able to live up to.

If you don't keep increasing in value in the next round, if you have a down round, you are f*cked.

It is the kiss of death for a young CEO.

You want to start with a realistic valuation and grow at a reasonable pace.

Okay, well, if it's such a shitty deal, then why did your boss offer it to us?

Because she's as competitive as hell.

She needs Pied Piper to keep Raviga afloat, Richard.

Okay.

Look, I respect Laurie, but this is the exact type of thing Peter never did.

Richard, come on. I own shares in Pied Piper.

If this high a valuation was good in the long-term, would I be standing here, risking my job?

Don't take our offer. Maybe go with the lowest offer you got.

Even that might be too high.

Again, thank you for the compliment.

Also... I didn't see anything in there.

No. Yeah, thank you.

I was gonna say if you had, you'd have to show me yours, too.

(chuckles nervously)

Umm... (clears throat)

Okay.

Okay. Thanks for the...

♪ ♪

(clicking)

♪ ♪

Yeah, sorry about that party.

I was in kind of a bad way that night.

And truth is... I'm actually doing okay.

Good. That's great.

Yeah.

I mean, I could run the scenarios about what happened all I want, but... I finally just realized there's just nothing I could do, you know?

Yeah. but... I finally just realized there's just nothing I could do, you know?

Yeah.

So... I'm at peace with it all.

I was thinking, actually...

What if you had asked for less?

What?

Well, what if you could've gone to someone and asked for less than what they offered that first round?

You mean, like, negotiating them down?

Yeah.

Can... Can you even do that?

Well, yeah. I mean, why not?

Yeah, but...

I mean, I guess, technically, I could have...

Mmm.

Huh.

Yeah, I suppose you could argue that it might've been easier to hit more realistic benchmarks and reach cash flow break-even.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

And then... (sighs) we wouldn't have faced that down round... and... we... wouldn't have had to settle for acquisition.

All that money... f*cked me.

Wow. I mean, I don't know about...

sh1t!

Maybe.

Look... Hey.

No, no, no. We could've done a legit Series B.

Right? I'd still be CEO.

I'd have my job, my kick-ass house.

I'd probably still have my girlfriend... and...

f*ck!

Okay.

Why the f*ck didn't anyone tell me I could take less?

I don't know. I don't know.

Ideas come up and then...

f*ck!

♪ ♪

I'll take a cab, so I'll leave you to it.

Thanks for meeting me.

f*ck!

Richard.

Richard, I'm Laurie Bream. I was inside your home yesterday.

Have you made a decision regarding our proposal?

Uh, yeah, yeah, we'll go with you guys, but we need to renegotiate the terms.

Oh, I'm afraid that's untenable.

We're offering as much money as we can.

No, no, we wanna go lower. We want less...

A lot less, actually.

We'll go with Raviga if you guys do 10 million at a 50 million valuation, not 20 at 100.

I think this is more reasonable, and it's my final offer. Take it or leave it.

I was not anticipating this, but I think it will be workable from our end.

And one more thing... Monica votes for Raviga's board seat.

Certainly that seems unimportant.

I will telephone your lawyer tomorrow, and we can speak about the relevant details.

Good.

(blues music playing)

Peter was one of the few who genuinely took action to use technology to help humanity thrive.

But how exactly can we quantify another human's contributions to mankind?

Let's break it down into its three component elements.

(clicking)

I met Peter when he was thinking about investing in my company, Zetasphere, although I think he was hesitant after his disappointing initial return from Snapchat.

He came on board, anyway, and every month we would meet.

Peter was always an honest man, and I know that if Peter were here with us today, he would say that he was not disappointed in Snapchat, and he would forgive you, Lev, for your misunderstanding.

That's just the kind of guy that Peter was...

Warm, generous, and not disappointed in Snapchat.

(clears throat) I'll never forget the first time I met Peter.

It was in his mom's garage, where we started our first business together...

Manufacturing VGA graphics cards for IBM clones.

We never looked back.

And you know, the last time I saw him, it was at a restaurant, not a half-mile away from that same garage.

We talked as old friends do.

He asked me about Jackson Hole, I asked him about... Pilates.

And yet... something was wrong.

Underneath it all, there was an unmistakable tension.

A tension I will forever regret.

It's no secret Peter and I had our differences.

We let business get between us.

Now?

Now I wish I could say I'm sorry for that.

It's too late. He's gone, and it makes me realize the importance of forgiveness, of doing things with love and compassion in your heart, and not vengeance and competition.

I mean, we owe that to each other, don't we?

And to him?

After all, this valley is the place Peter himself helped build.

Where we come together as dreamers, all of us, to truly make the world a better place.

This is Florence during the Renaissance.

This is Camelot.

This is the place Peter himself called "the cradle of innovation."

(sighs) I will miss my friend.

Bye, Pete.

Maybe he is a human, after all.

(phone chimes)

Sorry.

It's from Ron LaFlamme.

Gavin Belson is suing you.

"Filed claims today that you stole Pied Piper from Hooli."

sh1t.

(hip-hop music playing)

Gavin Belson is suing us.

♪ Bunches an ♪
♪ Punches is thrown until you're frontless ♪
♪ Oodles and oodles ♪
♪ Bang bullets at suckers' noodles ♪
♪ Last album voodoo proved that we was f*ckin' brutal ♪
♪ I'm talking crazy, half past the clock is cuckoo ♪
♪ You rappers doo-doo ♪
♪ Baby sh1t, just basic boo boo ♪
♪ I'm Shaka Zulu ♪
♪ Mansa Musa, my money's buku ♪
♪ My beats is bangin' ♪
♪ f*ck what you rappin', who produced you? ♪
♪ I slapped the snot, take what ya got ♪
♪ And Run the Jewels you ♪
♪ You itsy bitsy furry frightened ♪
♪ And fricken' sickly ♪
♪ A little prickly, dick on display for winter swimming ♪
♪ Look at these kiddies, Mike ♪
♪ I'm a rat-a-tat 'em for living ♪
♪ I deal in dirty work ♪
♪ Do the deed and then dash, ditch 'em ♪
♪ Top of the morning, my fist to your face is f*cking Folgers ♪
♪ We might be giants, standing on little dandy shoulders ♪
♪ You punks is pussy, proverbial pansy panty holders ♪
♪ I Jake the Snake 'em, DDT 'em in mausoleums ♪
♪ Macabre massacres ♪
♪ Killing c**ts in my colosseum ♪
♪ They all actors, giving top in back of a BM ♪
♪ I'd fall back if the casting calls are ending in semen ♪
♪ And tell him f*ck him ♪
♪ I never loved him and salutations ♪