02x08 - White Hat / Black Hat

Richard: That was awesome.

Erlich: We just fed our hogs to those EndFrame M*therf*ckers.

I don't know. (chuckles)

Gilfoyle: Oh, sh1t.

Richard.

I just got a call from Marc at EndFrame.

Yeah. Uh...

Sorry that that deal didn't go through, Russ, but this bake-off can be huge for us.

And we should actually get started.

We have a lot of work to do.

Yeah.

We have a lot of work to do, Richard.

A lot.

We have to drink this entire bottle of tequila today.

What?

Bake-off, bitch.

Let's get f*cked up. Shots, baby.

Uh... I don't... I don't...

Richard, this is my own brand.

Tres Comas.

Do you know what that means in Spanish?

Three comm...

Nope.

Three commas.

As in, the number I'll have when we are done kicking the tar out of EndFrame and I make that f*ck pile of Intersite money.

Am I right? Come on, shots.

So you're not mad?

No, of course not.

Okay. Yeah, sure. I'll just do one shot.

We are going to drink to re-billionizing.

Okay.

To re-billionizing.

To re-billionizing.

That's it.

(gags)

(burping, coughing)

One more?

Uh...

Russ... (clearing throat) we need to pay our lawyers... and we need to pay our engineers.

So, before you go, can you just write us another check please?

What? No, Richard, giving you money right now is the worst thing I could do for you.

What? Why? How?

Look what just happened.

I threatened to walk and you turned lean and hungry, and you clawed your way into a $15-million deal.

And when you win this bake-off, because I gave you no money, and I get my... third comma back...

I promise you this, Richard.

I'm gonna come back here and you and I are gonna polish off this entire motherfucking bottle of Tres Comas together.

Put it right up high.

Come on! Don't leave me hanging.

That's it! That's how we do business.

(theme music plays)

*********************

The Nucleus ad buy will be the largest in our history.

Awareness of this product will be unprecedented.

Yeah. Am I the only one concerned about over-exposure?

Well, we haven't seen the platform yet, but we're planning on slipping Nucleus to influential tech journalists and bloggers.

Because, certainly, once they see Nucleus...

Sorry, sorry. That strategy just sounds so inside the box.

Might it not be more innovative to shroud Nucleus in mystery until the official roll out next January?

Gavin, I'm sorry.

Is everything okay with Nucleus?

We are on schedule, yes?

Because based on your assurances, we've staked substantial resources on its performance.

(sighs)

Gentlemen of the board, and Rachel, listen to me very carefully.

Nucleus is on track.

And you have my word that if it fails to be everything we need it to be, someone will be held responsible.

Me?

You want me to come back to Hooli?

No way. It's too late.

I've accepted MIT's offer of tenure.

My wife, my children, and my mother are already back in Boston.

I'm here because I believe in you.

And because I believe we didn't believe in you enough before.

Yeah, you did not.

XYZ was beneath your talent.

Surely you felt it. I did.

Why else would I lay it off on Bighetti?

XYZ is about the distant future.

But we can't wait for you. We need you now, guiding critical components of our core business.

Components like Nucleus.

I'm sorry... are you offering to put me in full charge of Nucleus?

Indeed I am. You and only you.

You'll get the credit and the glory.

The name Davis Bannerchek will be inextricably linked with that of Nucleus.

I mean, there's a chance no one will know I had anything to do with it at all.

Gentlemen, nothing else in the truck. Stop.

Who is done with transcode work flow? Me.

Good job, Carla.

Or should I say, "scrumptious"?

Because of the board, the scrum board.

Oh, I get it.

Yeah.

Or just... I mean, not you.

I mean, you could... You are.

Uh... Also, thanks to everybody for forgoing your salary this week.

Remember, if we win... bonuses all around, so...

Go team.

When we win.

(scoffs)

That is rousing, Richard.

Yeah, so, when we win it.

(computer chimes)

Whoa! Have you guys seen this?

Seth, the network security guy from EndFrame, just changed his LinkedIn status to "unemployed."

No way.

You think we got him fired?

I bet we did.

That's awesome.

Well, we never actually breached his security.

Remember we got Marc's login info and went through the front door? So, he didn't actually do anything wrong.

He worked for EndFrame, the pieces of sh1t that stole our algorithm.

Yeah. So by the transitive property, he is, therefore, also a piece of sh1t.

Well, the pieces of sh1t fired him.

So his "piece of sh1t" status is reversed.

Okay, fine. So the transitive property may no longer apply, but the reflexive property states everything's equal to itself.

So, since he's a piece of sh1t, he's a piece of sh1t.

Okay, math aside, the point I'm trying to make here is we didn't actually break his code. Okay?

So he's getting fired for no reason.

And I kinda feel bad for the guy.

He's probably pulling his hair out somewhere, wondering where he screwed up.

But he didn't screw up, and he'll never know that for the rest of his life.

I bet you're right.

He probably is just ripping his hair out somewhere.

I wish I could see that.

Piece of sh1t.

He's a piece of sh1t.

Erlich: Monica?

Did you forget Jian-Yang eyes pitch?

No, I was on my phone.

You talking to Benson or Hedges?

(chuckles) Am I right? Cigarette company.

Clever.

What if I told you there is an app on the market...

Not now. No, you wait until you're inside. Okay?

We haven't even gotten the bottle of water yet.

Head in. I'll meet you in there. I just... need to finish this call.

Sure. Cool with a "K."

♪ ♪

Okay.

Water.

What if I told you there is an app...

Jian-Yang, this is the assistant.

We wait for the boss to pitch.

The woman you saw outside. Okay?

The lady who was smoking? You said no.

Sorry, sorry... Monica was smoking?

Cigarettes?

Cigarettes.

No, no, no. He's confused.

He's Chinese.

He's talking about this crack-addict prostitute we saw at the gas station. She was smoking cigarettes.

So sad.

Oh.

Jian-Yang, what're you doing? This is Palo Alto.

People are lunatics about smoking here.

We don't enjoy all the freedoms that you have in China.

All right? Where people smoke all the time.

I don't smoke.

Except for special occasions.

So you do smoke?

Wait, have you been smoking in my house?

No. There's no special occasion ever happen in your house.

♪ ♪

See this little bald spot on my temple?

I've literally been tearing my own hair out.

I e-mailed Gilfoyle about a dozen times, and all he kept sending me were these photos.

Some woman choking. Balls.

Choking... A pair of balls. I... I get it.

"Choke on my balls." It's like a rebus.

He's such a dick.

How the f*ck did he get into my system?

At least give me a hint.

Something. Anything.

f*ck.

What if, hypothetically... uh... there was a certain CEO in your office, that left his login information on a Post-it, and a certain someone took it, and used that to get in?

Are you saying Gilfoyle never penetrated my network?

I'm saying... you weren't fired because of anything to do with your security config.

It wasn't my fault?

Oh, my God. You know what?

I'm glad I came here.

I think it's good just to get everything out in the open.

That piece of sh1t!

Gilfoyle kept taunting me and taunting me.

What're you doing? No...

Hello, Gilfoyle?

Don't call him.

It's Seth.

Don't mention me or...

Richard just told me about the Post-it. So, f*ck you!

You just f*cked with the wrong hacker.

There's... there's kids.

I'm gonna skullfuck your whole system.

f*ck you, Gilfoyle!

f*ck you, Richard!

f*ck all of you Pied Piper f*cks!

I actually, don't... I don't know him.

I'm just here by myself.

Just watching and waiting.

I love kids. Not like that.

So...

Why would do that? Why would you go talk to him?

I don't know, you know.

Face-to-face meetings make things better.

I just felt bad for the guy, and he was not doing well.

I mean, what if I hadn't said anything and he'd have, you know... killed himself?

Yeah, well, there's no chance of that now, is there?

Richard, you don't seem to understand what's going on.

We hacked into EndFrame's system and stole their specs.

You can't go traipsing around to their former employees, telling them how we did it just to make them feel better.

You're a f*cking black hat now. Act like it.

What? I'm a black hat? How am I a black hat?

EndFrame stole from us first.

And since the negative of a negative is a positive, stealing from a thief is okay.

It's the additive inverse property.

Math aside, Richard, we're all black hats now.

The point is, what are we gonna do about Seth?

How do you mean?

Well, I mean, we have an unemployed and very pissed off systems guy, who very publicly threatened to skullfuck our whole system.

He's not gonna do sh1t.

He's a coder.

By definition, we're all pussies.

Look, he'll vent for half an hour... and then he'll go LARPing and mogging and stroke his dick for a while.

Even if he does try to crack us, Richard, I built our network security myself.

I'm not worried about it at all.

So, just...

This doesn't concern you guys?

Okay, because he said, and I quote... that he was going to skullfuck us!

Oh, hey. Hi.

You have a great daughter.

Come on, Ashley, let's go.

(phone rings)

Go for Erlich.

Thanks for outing me.

You're gay.

That explains so much.

No, outing me for smoking.

I was heading home when my insane boss called me into the conference room for some kind of anti-smoking intervention.

"No one ever died from secondhand heroin."

Yeah, she said that.

What did you say?

I said nothing.

Jian-Yang may have... let a little something slip to your boy Friday, but don't worry, I covered with aplomb.

That little weasel tells Laurie everything.

On that topic, what did you think of his app?

The fundamental idea is sound.

An app that helps parents find the least crowded playgrounds.

Good. So you understood him.

The problem is, he's basically created the perfect tool for pedophiles to find victims.

Yes, and pedophiles are typically not early-adopters, so we would miss out on that whole market.

That's problematic.

Well, we'll tweak it when we present it to your boss.

I don't think what I saw was close to ready for Laurie.

Oh, really, Monica? I'm sorry that your boss unearthed your filthy little secret, but believe it or not I actually tried to have your back, and I was hoping you might do the same for me.

Then again, your judgment is suspect.

You are a smoker.

I smoke a few cigarettes a week.

(coughing)

Fine. I'll ask Laurie for five minutes, but that's it.

And tell Jian-Yang he better bring it.

Monica, we may never know what indecipherable Chinese province Jian-Yang comes from, but I know this much, Jian-Yang was born to bring it, and you have got to try women.

I mean, just give it a chan...

I'm sure the work that you have done so far has been very good.

But now that I am here, the real work begins, and time is of the essence.


I'm gonna need status reports from every department.

Where are we?

We have a mobile beta on a HooliPhone.

You wanna see it?

Mmm? Yeah.

He quit?

What do you mean he quit?

According to security, he entered the building at 9:13.

He met with the Nucleus team for 11 minutes.

Then he used his key card to exit the building.

Three minutes later, he was clocked at 73 in a 25 zone going past our daycare center.

He never returned, and he hasn't responded to our calls or e-mail.

Gavin, is it possible that this is a good thing?

Bannerchek was gonna step in at the last minute and take a lot of the credit for Nucleus.

Now the world will know that you're responsible for Nucleus.

You and you alone.

(sighs)

Not now!

Okay, so no attempts to externally access the system?

Right? No SQLi, XSS, worms, Trojans, nothing?

Same answer as I gave you the last three days. No.

Seth hasn't done sh1t. We're all good.

Richard, your paranoia has become officially tedious.

Okay, okay. Our platform is basically built.

Tomorrow, Intersite is gonna start dumping 100 terabytes of video directly onto our server via f*cking FTP.

We are gonna be the most vulnerable we've ever been.

And Seth is out there lurking. Just lurking in the darknet ready to pounce like an Internet panther. And we don't care.

Okay, well, frankly, your lack of paranoia is insane to me.

Now you're paranoid that we're not paranoid enough?

You're para-paranoid, Richard.

Where are you going?

To the kitchen.

Why are you going together? Are you gonna talk about me?

What're you looking at?

You guys have got a lot of work to do.

I'm glad you reached out.

And I want you to know I'm not gonna do any of those things that I threatened to do.

Really? Just to be clear, no skullfucking of any kind?

No. I guess I just needed to vent.

Actually, I was pretty worried that your were gonna do something crazy.

You can relax.

And please tell Gilfoyle I'm sorry for what I said, and that he can relax, too.

Oh, you don't have to worry about Gilfoyle.

He couldn't have cared less.

Really?

Yeah. You know, I gotta... I gotta be honest.

I mean, I'm really glad I came back here.

I mean, Dinesh and Gilfoyle obviously said it was a bad idea, especially given what happened.

But this just really restores my faith that face-to-face meetings are the way to...

That smug cocksucker didn't think I had the skills to break into his system, that m*therf*cker.

What? What are you... Don't... Who are you calling?

Hello, Gilfoyle. It's Seth again.

Hey, don't mention that I... Richard here just told me you're not afraid of me.

Well, you know what I'm gonna do to you now, m*therf*cker?

Get out our here. Scatter. Scatter.

I'm skullfucking the sh1t out of your system this time.

How you like me now, you cocksucking, motherfucking piece of sh1t?

In our initial build we realized that the same geo-tagging technology that could be used to locate uncrowded playgrounds could also be used to prey on children, our greatest natural resource, by one of society's worst elements...

Pedophiles.

The pedophile facing nature of the app would present marketing pain points. Yes.

But under Monica's guidance, we realized the same technology could also be used to create a real-time, crowd-sourced map of an even worse segment of the population.

Worse than pedophiles?

Smokers.

Because, let's face it, no one's ever died of secondhand heroin.

True. True.

With our app, users can locate and thus avoid these self-indulgent, self-destructive, negligent monsters.

Negligent? Yeah.

We call it "Smokation."

It's a clever hybrid of "smoker" and "location."

It's interesting.

It's interesting.

Well done. Well done.

So what kind of term sheet do you think she's gonna lay on us?

There's a lot of work to do, but you certainly knew how to play to your audience.

So I'd say it looks good.

Oh, today is a great day.

What is he doing?

Special occasion.

Oh, sh1t.

You brought cigarettes in here?

No, I take from her purse.

Richard: Well, this is it.

Our pants are basically around our ankles until this transfer is done.

Anything?

Again, no. Nothing.

Well, did you sweep for...

Unauthorized kernel modules, yes.

I even purged the entire server hypervisor again.

I know we are vulnerable, right now, but, Richard, we're covered, okay?

We severed the prod and dev net.

Look, you made us put our phones in a f*cking Faraday cage.

We even killed the Wi-Fi and reverted back to this stone age hard line Ethernet switch.

Look at all this sh1t. Are we in the '90s?

Richard, no one is cracking our transfer.

Not Seth, not some rogue nuclear state, not Sk3wl of f*cking R00t.

No one.

And in two hours and 47 minutes... when we've pulled all of Intersite's data onto our servers, we're golden.

So just chill the f*ck out.

Do another Weissman test to make yourself feel better.

I just did.

Still at 5.1?

Actually, 5.2.

Holy sh1t, dude. That's blazing.

Wait, so we're actually gonna win this thing.

I don't know. Ask me again in two hours and 46 minutes.

Russ: Hey, quit all the f*cking and let me in.

Hey, come on, why's the door locked?

Coming.

Are you afraid you're gonna get raped?

Jared, don't...

What? You're locking the door now?

You don't answer my texts. What the f*ck?

Russ, we're at a pretty critical juncture right now, so...

What's that?

That is pornography, thousands of hours of it.

Yeah, it is.

Russ, tomorrow, I would be happy to walk this through with you.

Okay. I'm out of here. Just answer me this, are we good?

Yes. The platform is running great.

But it's just really fragile right now and we have a lot to focus on.

So, again, probably tomorrow would be...

Fine, fine. After we have tequila.

Uh...

What?

Shots, boys.

I'm in.

No, no one's in.

What are... We're not doing shots right now, Russ.

Richard, come on, quit being such a pussy, and have some tequila with your money guy.

You're not our money guy.

I'm not your money guy.

Since when?

Since you stopped giving us money, asshole.

Who's an asshole? I forced you to get lean.

No. You forced us to hack EndFrame and break the law.

And now, like it or not, I'm a f*cking black hat.

But that's okay. That's okay. That's cool.

We're gonna win this bake-off and pay you enough money to go away forever.

So take your shitty tequila and your shitty jeans with f*cking metal chunks on them, and get the f*ck out of here.

Wow, that's... That's harsh.

First of all, this is not shitty tequila. This is very good tequila.

400-year-old family-run distillery.

Super high-end sh1t.

But I guess what really bums me out is I thought we got each other.

You know, you were my guys, you know?

That guy.

Bin Laden.

He f*cks.

You know what's hard about being a billionaire, Richard?

You never know if someone likes you for you or for your money.

And I guess, with you it was all about the money, wasn't it, Richard?

Don't you worry, I'll leave, and I'll even leave you the tequila because that's who I am. But before I go, I want you to come outside and see something. It's a gift.

Come on outside, everybody. Just, I won't waste your time.

Just for a second.

No way.

A McLaren 650S Spider.

Yup, just like the one I had to sell when I dropped below a "B."

Billion.

What do you think, Richard? You like it?

Wow. I...

I don't know what to say.

You got this for me?

What?

No, I... It's for me. I bought this for myself... to celebrate you guys helping me get back to a billion.

That's why I came here, to show it to you. To say thank you.

I'm not an asshole.

You drove here with a bow on it?

No, I put it on after I parked.

I don't understand.

You got yourself a gift to prove that you're not an asshole?

Right.

(phone ringing)

Um, sorry.

Hello.

This is Eshwar Singh, the CTO of Intersite.

What the f*ck are you doing? You're deleting all my data.

What the hell? What the hell?

f*ck, I'm locked out of the system.

So am I.

We all are.

It's just deleting everything.

You M*therf*ckers!

It's f*cking Seth. Gilfoyle, you said you had this.

I thought I did. I don't... This is f*cking impossible!

Eshwar: You guys are killing me.

I'm losing hundreds of hours of content.

Yeah, well, we got hacked. So, pull the plug. Shut it down on your end.

I can't. The disc is spinning at 100% and I don't have access.

Now it's basically a f*cking fork bomb, and you locked me out of my own system.

Okay, uh, Carla, shut it down.

None of the system shortcuts are responding.

Can't even SIGKILL the transfer.

It's like all of our keyboards are locked.

Okay, f*cking... Eshwar, I can't really problem solve this and talk to you on the phone at the same time, so...

Don't you dare f*cking hang up on...

How the f*ck did Seth do this?

Well, you said he was harmless.

Obviously I was wrong. He must be inside as root.

It's like he's right here in this house melting us down.

Can you guys just shut the f*ck up? I'm trying to sleep.

Why the f*ck would you smoke immediately after an anti-smoking pitch?

Why would you do that? Why?

It's a special occasion.

Go to your room! f*ck!

Seth is single-handedly f*cking the future of this company and there's nothing we can do about it!

Make it stop. Make it stop. Make it stop!

It just stopped deleting.

Hey, guys.

I think it's this.

What the f*ck?

It's happening again.

No, no, no! Don't do that!

Take it off! Take it off!

(laughs)

The Tres Comas bottle was on the delete key.

It was...

The corner of it.

It was just... It just got on there.

That's not great...

But, good now. Here you go.

I'm gonna...

I gotta go.

Did we delete over 9,000 hours of your premium content?

Yes, we did.

And that is bad, certainly.

But the way we did it...

See, our compression is so incredibly powerful that we were able to delete all those files at a rate that until now was unthinkable... if we're considering just raw speed.

Uh...

So, uh, just bear in mind, you know, when making your final decision, had EndFrame, uh, accidentally put a tequila bottle on their delete key, I guarantee, they would have struggled to delete half the amount of files that we did.

At best.

Or worst.

I could also...

I could... uh... I...

Worst.

Definitely.

Yeah.

Um...

But you know what?

Um, I...

I, uh, I'm actually glad that we came here today, all of us, because this is good.

Because now more than ever, in these times... meeting face-to-face...

Get out.

All of... All of us or just...

Now. All of you.

Okay.

Thank you for your time.

I would be remiss if I didn't mention that your sites are some of my primary destinations.

Out.

Okay.