04x08 - Fear of the Lord

Heaven is empty, God is gone.

We want you to take His place.

As long as I got a badge in my wallet, there isn't gonna be any damn apocalypse.

[GRUNTS]

This is God's chosen one?

- [MUMBLING]

- Why, I could never let you take him.

[GRUNTS]

[SHOUTS GLEEFULLY]

He must have some bigger plan.

God's going to replace us.

Well, you're right about that.

Unless [DRILL WHIRS, METAL CLANGS]

[METAL CLINKING]

KARL: I think it's ready, but there's only one way to find out.

- Shh, shh, shh.

- [STARR GROANING]

A bit more.

[GROANING CONTINUES]

[SQUEAKING]

My God.

It works perfectly.

I'll never doubt you again, my brother.

[SQUEAKING]

[GRUNTS]

Mm.

he truly feels Und not the words Of one who kneels Ze record shows I took the blows Und did it Me-e-in way

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Wunderbar!

- Wunderbar!

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES, INDISTINCT CHEERS]

Und now, ladies unt gentlemen, your next Little Mister Dusseldorf for ze fourth year in a row, Klaus Starr!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thanks so much.

[CHUCKLES]

I'll alvays be happy.

Congratulations, Dieter Mr.

Congeniality, three years straight.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

Congratulations everyone.

Get him.

[BLOWS LANDING]

[STARR GRUNTS]

[INDISTINCT SHOUTS]

You're ze star, aren't you, Klaus?

I wonder what kind of star you would be vithout your looks?

[ALL CHANTING "A STAR FOR A STAR!"]

[STARR SCREAMS]

My beauty!

My eye!

[SHUSHING]

We're okay.

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Oh, don't be.

No.

You just had a bad dream.

- It's perfectly normal during this procedure.

- Wub.

[GASPS]

My genitals.

- We saved what we could - Mm.

which turned out to be nothing.

- Wub.

- Yes, no doubt it is a fine spigot, but

[SIGHS]

that's cold comfort to him.

Well, you saved my life at least.

What, may I ask, are your names?

Well, I'm Karl Chunt, and these are my brothers, Ernie and Cyrus.

Wub.

Wub.

Let's get some food in you.

- Ah, there.

- [GROANING]

Little comfort food, eh?

Put some meat back on those bones.

[SPOON CLACKS]

Mm.

[GROANS]

Mm.

That's good.

Ernie made it.

Mm.

Mm.

[SOBS]

I'm sorry.

It's been so long since someone's showed me kindness.

I've had so much taken from me.

People are cruel.

Mm.

[SNIFFLES]

[SPOON CLANKS]

You You're eating me!

[BOWL CLATTERS]

Oh!

Well, we all are.

You're the guest.

You got first bowl.

Idiots!

Do you have any idea?

I am the most powerful man in the w - Stop that!

- [GRUNTS]

Not another bite!

Listen to me, you knit-browed monkey dullards, my location has been broadcast via subdural transponder.

I would think twice before you choose how to proceed.

At this precise moment, the world's most lethal operatives are converging on this very spot to rescue me and to kill you!

- Wub?

- Shut up!

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

You've got your blood pressure up, don't you?

[GASPS]

You know what that means, Ernie.

- [LAUGHS]

- Yeah, It's time for your favorite!

[LAUGHTER]

It's thigh time.

Thigh!

[LAUGHTER]

[GRUNTING]

[SAW WHIRRING]

[LAUGHTER]

[GUNSHOTS]

Sir, I'm here to [CRYING]

FIORE: Ugh.

After all He's done, knowing what He "plans to do," you're really gonna stick with God, like a child?

I gave you my answer.

Yeah, well, it's a sh1t one.

Then I guess it's back to watching my dad get killed over and over.

I'll let you in on something, Fiore.

I've had that playing in my head since I was 10 years old.

Your little filmstrip ain't gonna change sh1t.

Let me let you in on something, Preacher.

The filmstrip part of things is over.

[JESSE GRUNTING]

[GRUNTING CONTINUES]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

It's a bit wrathful-lookin', isn't it?

Old Testament-like.

Yeah?

Well, let's find out.

- [ENGINE REVS]

- [THUNDER CRASHES]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[CRYING]

[GRUNTING]

Aaah!

Aaaaah!

Alright, well, come on, just do it.

No.

He killed Jesse in front of us I'm doing this in front of Him.

We are in front of him!

He's God.

He can see us on the bloody toilet, can't he?

I want to see Him seeing it.

Come out and face us, you sack a sh1t!

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[HUMPERDOO WHIMPERS]

Huh.

He'll make His move.

We're gonna stay right here until He does.

Ohh.

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Alright.

Well, then Let's find a place for our little family.

[MUTTERING]

Who have we got here?

We got Daddy pine cone.

- [CHUCKLES]

- Alright.

We've got Mommy pine cone there.

Oh!

[CHUCKLES]

And who is this little b*st*rd here?

Who's that?

- Humperdoo pine cone!

- Okay, over here.

[WHIMPERS]

[WHIMPERS CONTINUE]

They new batteries?

Yeah.

I switched 'em out this morning.

These, too.

Got plenty of spares.

Come on, turn around.

[WHIMPERS]

Now let's go to the moon.

Ohh!

- God's here.

- [GASPS]

You got to go.

You got to go to the moon.

Oh, to the moon!

[LAUGHS]

To the "moom"!

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi, four Mississippi, five Mississippi, six Mississippi, seven Mississippi, eight, nine, and boom.

To the moom!

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS, SNORTS]

Aw.

He cracks me up.

Do you know what I'm saying?

I mean there's something about him, right?

[SHOUTING GIBBERISH]

Aw, he's adorable.

And he's the only thing that of sh1t God cares about, so when the time comes Yeah.

Well, you're right.

Gloves are off.

Just don't forget why we're here.

Okay?

[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

HITLER: [SIGHS]

You'll do great!

Mm.

It feels wrong.

Nein, nein.

Fear und doubt, you cannot let them cloud your judgment or your will to act.

No, it's just, uh I'm overstepping.

[SIGHS]

Listen to me, Jesus.

And I speak from experience.

There comes a time in life - where you simply has to do ze right thing.

- Right.

I'm worried that that we're doing the wrong thing.

Nein.

Nein!

We cannot, and we will not!

- Hmm.

- I know.

That's what I'm saying.

I know.

What?

Oh, don't worry.

We are exactly on ze same page.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- [METAL CREAKING]

- [DOOR CLOSES]

[GROANS]

[SIGHS]

My condolences, Allfather, for ze passing of the Christ child.

Suicide.

So tragic.

And yet they say depression is a sign of genius Cut the bullshit, Hitler.

We all know he didn't kill himself.

And we all know he was just a clone of the real Humperdoo, whom we still cannot find.

In other words, we know we failed.

It's over no Messiah, no dance, no apocalypse.

On ze other hand there is something else we know.

We have Jesus of Nazareth the original, accept-no-substitutions Messiah.

You speak of clones.

What is this missing Christ child but a clone of our Freund here?

[SCOFFS]

Him.

We wouldn't be in this mess if he hadn't been caught whoring around.

One time, okay?

And it was 2,000 years ago.

And she wasn't a whore.

[SCOFFS]

Let us show you something.

[HITLER CHUCKLES]

It's not necessary

- [BOOMBOX CLICKS]

- This speech is my recital I think it's very vital To rock a rhyme, that's right on time - Here we go!

- "It's Tricky" is the title It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky It's tricky, tricky, tricky, tricky It's tricky to rock a rhyme To rock a rhyme that's right on time It's tricky Tr-Tr-Tricky, tricky, t-t-t-tricky I met this little girlie Her hair was kinda curly Went to her house and bust her out I had to leave real early These girls are really sleazy All they just say is "please me" Or spend some time and rock a rhyme

- Enough!

- I said, "It's not that easy"

- It's

- [BOOMBOX CLICKS]

It's not up to me.

So, save your ghetto gyrations for someone whose dick doesn't require constant descaling.

Humperdoo is the Chosen One, and he is the one that your Father wants.

Not you not ever.

"Hump"!

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

Humperdoo!

Hump!

Bollocks.

Hump!

How the hell'd he get away, Cass?

Because I needed to pee, alright?

Look, I don't like doing it in front of him.

He thinks I'm trying to play.

Well, you should've switched with me.

Look, I

[SOFT ETHEREAL MUSIC PLAYS]

[MOANING]

Look at that!

Can you believe that?

Humperd Humperdoo.

Hump!

- Humperdoo.

- Huh?

Come here.

- Over here.

- Oh!

- Oh, uh - I know!

Uh Holy sh1t!

Dude, that was biblical!

[CHUCKLES]

Dog.

- Yeah, sure it was a dog.

- [CHUCKLES]

Listen, we're gonna have to check you for ticks now.

- Aw!

- "Aw"!

For real, for real, man.

- Wha?

- Messing with wild deer.

Unbelievable, dude!

Ha.

That was biblical, man.

- [BABBLES]

- God damn it.

We've been looking all over the place for you.

Let's go inside and think.

[METAL CREAKING]

[GROANS]

[METAL CREAKING]

Ugh.

[GRUNTING]

[HANDCUFFS CLICK]

[FABRIC CREAKS]

[GAGGING LOUDLY]

[SCREAMS]

[WHIMPERS, SOBS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[WIND WHISTLING]

[WHIMPERING]

Oh, Klaus.

I thought you wanted to be beautiful again.

[SOBS]

I do.

But I can't find the Child.

I've tried everything.

I just don't know where he is.

[SOBBING]

That's because you never asked.

Bring him home, and you'll get your looks back.

[RATS SQUEAKING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[MAN SCREAMING]

[GUNSHOTS]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

- [JESSE GRUNTS]

- [WOMAN SCREAMING]

- [SHOTGUN BLASTING]

- [ALARM BLARING]

[DOOR SLAMS OPEN]

[ALARM CONTINUES]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[HORSE NEIGHS]

[SPUR CLANKS]

Thanks.

What do you think now?

About what?

God.

You still got questions for Him?

You ever hear that story about the drunk general who got caught reading his map sideways?

It was back in the war middle of a big battle.

Colonel rides up on his horse and says to the General, "What do we do?"

Our General says, "We're gonna march right up that hill.

" The Colonel sees the sideways map in the General's hand but he follows orders just like everybody else, so he sends his men up that hill into a slaughter.

You could hear them boys laid up on that hill, screaming into the night, all the next day whole hill screaming and dying all because the Colonel followed his orders.

You were the Colonel.

I was the General.

[MEN SCREAMING]

I never heard you talk that much.

Thought you were doomed to walk the Earth?

[HORSE NEIGHS]

Where did you get that horse?

[DISTANT SCREAMING, WAILING]

No.

[SCREAMING, WAILING CONTINUES]

You hear that, Preacher?

That's what's coming, 'cause of you.

You better sit on that throne Preacher!

[SCREAMING INTENSIFIES]

[SCREAMING STOPS]

Sorry.

But there's only one way out of here.

Oh.

This is just a test.

Yeah, it's a test of your stupidity.

God's plan is real, okay?

We're not [SCOFFS]

We're not muckin' about.

We think we put ants up your bottom for fun?

He's testing my faith.

This can't be His plan.

There has to be something more.

Of course there's more.

There's always more.

There's There's There's whips and saws and chains and molten magma smeared over your buttocks like butter on a cream cracker.

A what?

It's a biscuit.

It's a It's a square Look, that doesn't matter!

[SIGHS]

Jesus, Fiore.

Those speedballs have turned you into a dick.

Do what you have to do.

I like biscuits.

Just put him on the throne.

[ALL GRUNTING]

It's not that kind of biscuit.

GOD: Jesse live!

[JESSE GROANING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[STRAINING]

[COUGHS]

[PANTING]

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

They're just sitting down to eat.

[GIGGLING]

Ohh.

Ohh!

Alright.

[HUMPERDOO GROANS]

- Yeah?

- Oh, yeah!

- Yeah?

- HUMPERDOO: Mmm!

It's good stuff.

What's in here?

What is that?

Ugh.

Are they blueberries?

Yeah.

Good, right?

On a burger?

It's very surprising.

Hump here sure loves it.

Look at that!

[CHUCKLES]


Yeah.

Sorta does, doesn't he?

Oh, what, are you kidding me?

He is a huge fan.

- [RETCHING]

- [SCREAMS]

Are you kidding me?!

[GROANS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- [FARTS, BURPS]

- It's probably It's probably just a l a little bug.

You know, it happens t

[RETCHING]

[GROANS]

Wow!

[LAUGHS]

[RETCHES]

Ugh.

Wow.

I think this is contagious.

[HUMPERDOO CHUCKLES]

Hey, Hump.

Huh?

Time to go to the moon.

Ah!

To the moom!

Hump to the moom!

[LAUGHS]

- Hello, Marnie.

- Oh, man.

I am so sick [RETCHING]

- Aah!

- Oh!

J [GROANING]

[GRUNTING]

Sir, I'd like to renew my request

- to put a bullet in this

- Where is the Child?!

Oh, he's long gone.

Target acquired.

Let's go.

What?

Do it.

- What?

- Cass.

Hold on, hold on.

Let's think about this.

Take him out.

No.

Give it to me.

Look, I'm not gonna kill Hump, alright?

He hasn't done anything.

Give it or I'll take it.

Look, I respect you, alright, and your skills as a fighter, Tulip but, honestly, love, I'm a bloody vampire.

You know, there's no way in hell you're

[GRUNTS]

[HELICOPTER BLADES WHIRRING]

[GROANS]

No, no, no!

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[GROANS]

- Okay.

We're good.

- Go, go, go!

[HUMPERDOO BABBLING]

To the moom!

[LAUGHING]

Whoa!

- sh1t.

- [CASSIDY GROANS]

[GROANING]

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

I'm sorry about That's alright.

[CHUCKLES]

I was mansplaining a bit, wasn't I?

Mm-hmm.

[SIGHS]

It's just gonna be such a bitch to pull out.

[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]

So, what do we do now?

What else?

We gotta go get him.

Mm-hmm.

To save him or to kill him?

[ENGINE REVS]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[CHIRPING CONTINUES]

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

[BRAKES SQUEAK]

[ENGINE TURNS OFF]

[HYDRAULICS HISS]

[DOOR CREAKS]

Hello, my child.

Yes, yes.

It's really Me.

[CROW SQUAWKS IN DISTANCE]

It's not a trick.

You're not in Hell.

I brought you back.

[CHOIR SINGING IN LATIN]

I did it.

I refused.

They tried everything they could.

They burnt me, they tortured me, but I refused!

- I refused!

- I know you did.

It was just a test.

The whole damn thing,

- my whole life was a test, right?

- [CHUCKLES]

- Yes!

It was!

- And I passed!

Ye [LAUGHS]

So you don't have to start again.

You don't have to end the world, because I passed!

You came so close.

[SINGING FADES]

Close?

What do ya mean?

I didn't forsake you.

I I didn't sit on your throne.

Yeah, but you wanted to.

I wanted to?

Are you serious?

You sinned in your heart, Jesse.

Is that not serious?

You're gonna end the world because I was tempted?

"All have sinned, and fallen short of the glory of God.

" You're making it sound like there was no way to pass the test.

I gave Mankind free will.

Your choices are your own, and so are the consequences.

You made us this way.

I made you [LAUGHS]

in My own image.

A little thanks would be nice.

Thank You?

For what?

Kids with cancer?

The Kardashians?

Aah!

[GROANS]

[GROANING]

Ah.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Look at you staring at Me.

[SWALLOWS, GRUNTS]

Is this how your father raised you

[GROWLING]

to look your Lord right in the eye?

[GROANING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[FLESH SQUELCHES]

[CROW SQUAWKS IN DISTANCE]

[WHIMPERS]

This Creation's been

[BREATHES DEEPLY]

well, it's been a nice run.

Aw, don't despair.

You've still got a little part to play before it's all said and done.

See you at the Apocalypse.

Oh.

Don't forget to bring your friends.

[THUNDER CRACKS]

[CROWD CHEERING]

ANNOUNCER: Grail members!

Please clear a path as your Allfather makes his way to the stage!

- [CHEERING CONTINUES]

- [CELLPHONE SHUTTERS CLICK]

[HUMPERDOO BABBLING]

Here he is, fully restored to his ageless beauty, your Allfather!

[CHEERING INTENSIFIES]

Soldiers, functionaries, temps, and other servants of the Grail your Messiah has returned!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

My friends, at long last, the Apocalypse has

- MAN: An air date?

- That's right.

An air date.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[ELGAR'S "POMP AND CIRCUMSTANCE, MARCH NO.

1 IN D" PLAYS]

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

[CLATTERING IN DISTANCE]

[DISTANT MUFFLED SCREAMING]

[DOOR OPENS]

Your guy can get us in?

Mm.

Good.

[MUFFLED CLATTERING, WOMAN SCREAMS IN DISTANCE]

Feels like the end almost, huh?

I guess we all gotta die sometime, eh?

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

Yeah.

Patrick and Murphy [CLATTERING IN DISTANCE CONTINUES]

they're out fishing at sea and the engine on the boat dies.

[ISAAC ALBÉNIZ'S "ASTURIAS" PLAYS ON GUITAR]

"Patrick, what in the hell'd you do that for?

Now we're gonna have to piss in the boat.

" [CHUCKLES]

INMATE: Oy.

Mate.

We heard you in line yesterday, talkin' sh1t.

"Talkin' sh1t"?

INMATE #2: 'Bout a man that commands a lot of respect around here.

Aw, no, no.

I didn't mean that, okay?

Look, I've got nothing but respect.

No, no, no!

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

Clapton is God!

[GUITAR TUNING]

[STRUMS TUNELESSLY]

[CROW SQUAWKS IN DISTANCE]

I feel okay.

Mm.

[THUD IN DISTANCE, SCREAMS]

[THUDDING CONTINUES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

Aw, bollocks.

Kamal!

Look, I told you, man, I'm gonna help you out with the bodies tomorrow.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]

- Christ.

I Cass Tulip?

[SIGHS]

I'm back.

[GASPS]

[SIGHS]

[SCOFFS]