03x04 - Dead Inside

1616 India Street.

Who did you just give our address to?

My... sister.

I promise I won't avail myself of your hospitality for very long.

She can't stay. She destroys everything in her wake.

How are things?

I'm doing well. Yeah, thanks.

I'm sorry, I can't. Um...

I don't think I want to be friends with you.

Hi.

Hi.

I'm so glad you could make it.

Then you should've invited me.

There's a fight?

Hey! Dickknob!

Ow!

I've never felt more alive.

(screams)

No! What did you do?

(elevator dings)

(panting)

I'm here to see David Pressler-Goings.

He's not in yet.

Oh. Okay, good.

I thought I was late.

You are. He's just not in yet.

Okay, well, I'm just gonna have a seat in the reception area.

Mm.

Woman: What?

(people whispering, gasping)

Look, I've got him on the phone for you now.

Okay?

Oh, okay.

(phones ringing)

Man:

Wait, what?

(whispers)

Okay.

Millstreet. No, I just heard that myself.

(Sobbing)

Nobody here knows much of anything yet.

I'll call you back.

Woman: What did you say?

(Phone rings)

Oh.

Millstreet.

Yeah, but that's all I know right now.

That's all any of us know.

I'm trying to find out. I'll call you back.

(slams phone)

Excuse me?

I was just wondering...

I can't... not now. I just... not now.

Yeah, I just wanted to know if it was safe to be on this floor of the building.

(Phone rings)

Millstreet. No.

No, not yet.

(elevator dings)

Receptionist: Well, that's all I know.

Well, I don't know yet. If I don't know...

Morning, Louise.

(Louise sighs) I'll call you back.

Hi, Stacey.

Louise, are you all right?

David is dead.

Stacey: Oh, my God.

Louise: Oh, my God.

(phones continue ringing)

Louise: Millstreet.

♪ It was the best of times, it was the worst of times ♪
♪ I had to kill the new sheriff in town ♪
♪ She was gonna try to keep me ♪
♪ You go-go down, you go-go down ♪
♪ In a dream, you will never be down ♪
♪ Somehow, somehow ♪
♪ Another way to make the picture clearer... ♪

Faster, better.

♪ Point a gun at the mirror ♪
♪ Heart's so dark, make dirt look clean... ♪

(grunts)

And no one explains what's happening, and then they say he's dead.

Yeah. Hannah, it's something that happens.

It's like jury duty or, you know, floods.

They happen.

It's just so insane.

We had a meeting, and then he had to reschedule the meeting 'cause he was dead.

Yeah, he's dead.

And that's why he couldn't come.

It must've been so heavy that moment that it was all going down.

Think about that.

I just hope when I die that I don't see it coming.

I hope I'm already dead, and then five minutes later, I'm like, "What the f*ck just happened?"

You know, I kind of look forward to the day that I die.

You do not. Get real.

I do. If you think about it, time isn't linear.

Every moment that's ever happened or that will ever happen is happening right now.

We just choose to live in this moment to create some illusion of continuity.

So, really, we have already died and we've also not yet been born.

Well, okay, in my linear conception of time, I wonder what's...

(Door opens)

Holy f*cking sh1t, look what I just found.

Oh, my God.

Is that a picture of Tom Hanks?

Yeah.

I don't want it.

I'll take it.

Oh, hey, Jessa.

How's your life of doing absolutely f*cking nothing?

Oh, it's great. How's your pen1s?

Good. You want me to put it on your shoulder?

(laughs)

David's dead.

Who's David?

My editor, David. He's dead.

f*ck, Hannah, baby.

That sucks sh1t.

Yeah, he's dead.

It was so crazy. Everyone was just running around the office and freaking out and screaming and acting like their world had gone out of orbit and...

(groans)

It's like everyone comes in thinking it's a normal day and then they leave 'cause he's dead.

What is a normal day, though, really?

What did you do?

I mean, just amidst all that chaos and insanity, I left.

What else was I supposed to do?

(sighs)

And no one even began to tell me what was next for my e-book.

What?

I know.

And so I'm left wondering when and how and to whom I can even bring this up to get some answers.

Well, they probably weren't thinking about your book, Hannah, and I pretty much can't believe you are either.

You knew someone. Like, really knew him.

He came to your birthday party, et cetera.

He wasn't invited to my birthday party.

(moaning)

What?

I think Adam's feeling is that you're callous and disconnected.

Are you feeling anything?

Yes.

Beyond wondering when your book is gonna hit the stands?

It's an e-book, Adam.

It's never gonna hit the stands 'cause there are no stands and you know that.

(sighs)

(bell rings on recording)

(Distant traffic blaring)

Man on recording:

One thing we do know... life will give you whatever experience is most helpful for the evolution of your consciousness.

How do you know this is the experience you need?

Because this is the experience you're having at this moment.

From the interview...

(whirrs)

(pounding)

m*therf*cker.

Okay, David's body was found facedown in the Hudson River right by Chelsea Piers, just floating there.

Well, that's f*cking terrible.

And Gawker is reporting that they won't be releasing the toxicology report at all, so we're not gonna know if it...

Gawker?

Yeah.

You're getting your news from Gawker?

They report on media news and I am a mediaist, so it's where I've gotta get my news.

Okay, when you die, how would you feel if a bunch of judgmental creeps, celibate against their will, snarkily reported on every f*cking detail of your body decomposing?

Well, that's not what's happening here.

This is a very, very nice eulogy.

Listen.

"Goings, Goings, Gone... publishing's most flamboyant power player makes a waterlogged exit worthy of a Bret Easton Ellis character."

That's f*cked, Hannah.

Those are a bunch of jealous people who make a living appealing to our basest desire to see each other kicked while we're down.

I don't agree, okay?

It's a web portal that celebrates the written word.

And its sister site, Jezebel, is a place feminists can go to support one another, which we need in this modern world full of slut-shaming and...

Well, I think that sh1t gets into your head and makes you one of the bad guys.

I think that you need a place to go and gather up the information that's important to your industry and then discuss it with other like-minded individuals.

That's why the comments board is so important to me and why I've made so many e-friends.

Why are we fighting about this?

Why aren't you mourning quietly?

Shoshanna: I feel like my bandana collection is, like, my most developed collection.

I mean, my array of bandanas is insane.

Did you ever have a friend who died?

Uh, yes, actually. In high school, my friend Kelly was in a car accident.

Oh, that's awful.

How did you feel?

Mm, sad.

But then I kind of, like, took over her position in the friend group.

Like, we were always truly meant to be a fivesome, not a sixsome.

The group didn't really have room for, like, you know, two practical-yet-goofy confidants.

I do miss her, though.

Why? Do you know someone who died?

Yeah, actually. My friend Season.

She was my favorite friend.

She was so funny and cute, and I used to love her a lot.

I just used to tickle her all the time.

You know, I don't even have a picture of her.

How did she die?

Uh, she, like, choked on vomit or something.

You should visit her mom, or, like, her grave if her mom is dead and bring flowers, or, like, her Facebook In Memoriam site.

Yeah, maybe.

No, seriously.

Like, you need to process this. You need to grieve it out.

Like, when Kelly died, I wrote a book of poems about her.

Who's Kelly?

My friend in high school who died.

You had a friend who died?

We literally just had this conversation.

(snoring softly)

Where are you headed?

I'm gonna go work an extra shift at Ray's.

He's understaffed anyway.

It doesn't really seem like I should quit my day job.

Don't talk like that.

Well, what am I supposed to talk like?

No one will tell me anything about my book.

(groaning)

Really, Adam? Still too soon for you?

Dude, cut me a f*cking break. Why are you mad at me?

I'm not mad.

I'm scared.

You're scared?

What are you scared of?

Of how you'd act if something, like, real happened to us.

Like, if I died, would you just be like, "Oh, I hope I can make rent."

If you died, I would be extremely disoriented, extremely sad, and I would also be anxious about how I would make rent, yes.

"Extremely sad"?

Uh, yeah, if you died, I'd be extremely sad.

If you died, the world would blur.

I wouldn't know what a tree was.

Well, that's really nice. It makes me feel very good.

You know, I think all the time about what I'd say at your funeral, about how I'd say that you were my partner and you were my lover and how one summer you lived in a tent on a roof in Bed-Stuy and you drank rainwater.

I don't know.

I think about you dying all the time.

(whirring)

(music playing)

So, I lost a friend yesterday.

Close friend.

Marnie finally decided to throw in the towel?

Uh, no, Ray, it was my editor and collaborator, David Pressler-Goings.

He was found facedown in the Hudson River and Gawker is saying it's not drugs, but we in the literary community are left scratching our heads.

Ray: Jesus.

Thank you.

Thanks.

How do you feel? Do you want to go home?

(quietly) You know, I actually feel nothing.

Like, I literally feel nothing.

Like, maybe I'm numb, but I don't even feel numb.

I feel nothing.

But, yeah, I would love to go home if that's okay with you.

Hannah, why don't you place just one crumb of basic human compassion on this fat-free muffin of sociopathic detachment?

See how it tastes.

You sound like Adam.

It's like there's more than one way to feel something.

Do you feel something every single time someone you kind of know dies?

I don't know. Why don't you try it and we'll find out?

Hannah, you don't think it's slightly odd that I feel worse than you do right now, and the one time I met this dude, he hurled me across the room into a small table?

(music playing)

Hey!

It's Jessa.

Yeah, I know, it's been a very long time.

I, um... I...

I know, I can't believe I am still alive either.

Um, so, speaking of which, listen, I really wanted to visit Season's tomb.

Season, her sarcophagus.

Like, her grave. Where...

What do you mean?

What?

What?

Oh, hey, Laird.

Hey, Hannah.

Uh, you've... you've caught me spiffing.

Looks amazing.

Thank you.

I thought the halls could use a little art.

How are you?

Uh, I'm okay.

I don't want to be a total downer, but I lost a close friend yesterday.

I'm so sorry to hear that.

That's okay, Laird.

Very sorry.

Thank you.

So sorry to hear that. That's terrible.

Thank you.

I'm just... I'm just sorry.

I really don't care.

Okay.

It's my first death, so I'm kinda numbed.

Yeah, I get it, and you're just gonna get number when it all starts to come like a waterfall.

(sighs)

My whole life has been death.

Everyone around me has died.

Sometimes at dinner when I'm sitting at my table, I just imagine I am in dialogue with all my dead ones.

Uh, who do you know who's died?

Literally everyone.

Even this lady has died.

Oh, my God.

Mm-hmm, it's my turtle.

My turtle has died.

And I didn't even think that was possible.

I'm so sorry, Laird. That's just...

(Door closes)

That's the f*cking worst.

Hey, Caroline. Laird was just showing me his...

It's a turtle carcass. It's my turtle carcass.

Yeah.

Wow, how totally beautiful.

Thank you.

Hey, whatcha doing?

Just heading out for my afternoon constitutional.

Cool.

Come with me. I'll buy you a cup of tea.

Okay.

Will you join us, odd face?

That'd be great.

Uh, this is not an urgent project, but it is something I'd like to return to.

Oh, and bring your turtle, please.

You know, I just don't want to be considered a monster for caring what happens to my work.

I've always been incredibly invested in my work and knew it would be really hard for whatever man ended up with me.

I feel that, and I admire it.

Thank you.

I'm surprised you're not quizzing me more about Adam, like all his old lovers and what he was like in the school play and what he used to call his tiny little pen1s as a child.

Mine was Nickel the Pickle.

So, now are you gonna call me self-involved, too?

'Cause I'm ready for it.

No, I'm gonna call you secure.

Follow me.


(Car horn honks)

(doorbell buzzes)

(footsteps approaching)

Whose house is this?

It's my house.

What... what the f*ck is going on?

Open the door.

(scoffs)

I can't believe you did this.

I don't even know how you did this.

You had a funeral.

You sent me an invitation.

Did you have a fake funeral?

We knew you wouldn't come.

(baby fussing)

(scoffs)

I was a drug addict, and you were a total enabler.

That's bullshit, Season.

I told you I needed counseling and you took me to an ayahuasca ceremony.

Can I pick up your baby?

No, you can't.

I really missed you.

I...

I know.

Hey, honey.

(baby cries)

Oh.

Hey.

Hi.

Hi.

Hey.

This is Jessa.

Jessa from...

Mm-hmm, yeah.

Do I have to pretend that...

That she's dead?

No, I kinda get the sense she's alive.

Okay, good, 'cause for a second I thought I had to pretend that she was a ghost, and I don't know if I would have been able to pull that off.

Jessa: Ahem.

I'm gonna grab some OJ.

It's nice to meet you, Jessa.

(baby fussing)

Looks like you've got it all figured out, with your brownstone and your baby and your cool-looking husband.

Don't call me when your life's in shambles.

I won't.

None of this is gonna work out for you, by the way.

Here is your tricolore, and here's your... thing.

Thanks, can I just get a small...

Yeah, one second.

♪ What I am is what I am ♪
♪ Are you what you are or what? ♪
♪ What I am is what I am

♪ Are you what you are or...

Look at that.

Oh, it's so sad.

Knock, knock.

Hey, Marn.

(Music stops)

What's up? I was just showing Herm your, uh, music.

You were showing him my music fail?

Is that what you guys were doing?

Hermie: I think it's great.

You actually have a better understanding of that song than Edie Brickell did.

Oh, f*ck you, Hermie.

Ray: Hey, come on.

Marnie: Why would you show him this video, Ray?

Because it's a bold and pioneering form of self-expression.

Hermie: Brickell sang it with, like, a playful vibe, but it's actually much more severe.

It's about knowing... what you are.

Right, right.

And about me knowing what I am and asking if you are what you are.

Or what?

That's so cute, you two.

That's not even f*cking original.

You don't think I've heard that in the last couple weeks?

Marnie, come on.

No, seriously.

You think my life is so funny.

Like, "Oh, let's make fun of the girl who took a risk and put herself out there creatively."

Which, by the way, is not something either of you have to worry about because no one wants to see you and you can't do anything.

Okay, Marnie, maybe you should take the rest of the day off.

Maybe you should take the rest of the day off.

Do you even want to work here anymore?

Of course I don't want to work here.

This place f*cking sucks. No one wants to work here.

Okay.

All right, well, I guess that settles it, then.

Great.

Great.

Thank you.

Fantastic. You're welcome.

Consider this a community service.

I am so done. Do you know what kind of work I am qualified to do out in the world?

No idea whatsoever.

The kind of people that want me?

Why don't you clue us in?

We don't have the faintest clue.

Fancy people wanna work with me, so I'm gonna give them that pleasure and I'm gonna go work with them.

So f*ck you both, have a nice day, enjoy the rest of the video.

Hey, Marn?

Wait! Marnie!

(mumbles)

What just happened?

(Exhales)

(music playing)

Ah!

♪ They grin, but they don't mean it ♪
♪ Sing, but they don't feel it ♪
♪ Gone, but they don't see it ♪
♪ They can call, but they can't heed it ♪
♪ Think, but they don't speak it ♪
♪ There's a beast eating every bit of beauty ♪
♪ And, yes, you feed it... ♪

(Pants)

♪ I'm not a finger-pointer ♪
♪ I will not cry your name ♪
♪ But, yeah, brothers and sisters ♪
♪ We all one 'n' the same

♪ When my sister suffers

♪ I am my mother's child... ♪

Oh!

(whooping)

♪ All I wanna do is look in someone's eyes and say ♪
♪ Somehow we better speak it ♪
♪ We're scared someone will tweet it ♪
♪ It's on the wall, but you won't read it... ♪

Very sorry about that.

♪ We all dread to repeat it ♪
♪ There's a beast eating every bit of beauty ♪
♪ And, yes, we all feed it. ♪

(Laughing)

You know, medication did make me feel less.

It did?

Yeah.

See, that's really not good for a writer.

Yeah, but it's really good for a person.

It's too exhausting feeling all that.

I mean, God, I would wake up happy, eat breakfast despondent, wonder about eternity on the walk to work, and then feel comfortably numb for hours.

It's just too much, the roller coaster of it all.

I wanted to die.

See, when I was doing so badly, I couldn't see outside myself, and now I can, but I don't even know if it's any better 'cause Adam's gonna figure out what I'm actually like and there's no way he's gonna like it because he has such a depth of feeling, and no one can even rival that.

I definitely can't, and soon he's gonna get bored and feel stifled by being with someone who can't match his strength of emotion.

Did Adam ever tell you about Margaret?

Mm-mm. Is she an ex? 'Cause I don't care about that stuff.

I just don't even ask.

No, she was our cousin.

But she died when she was 12.

Muscular dystrophy.

That's awful. I'm so sorry.

It was really awful, but from the time she was five years old, he started going over there every single day, and he would sit there in the living room next to her hospital bed holding her hand, playing with her.

He did anything she asked.

He would dance like a princess for hours if she wanted him to, which, you can imagine, he was really good at that.

But all she wanted to do, really, before she died, was go to a real high school dance, you know?

So, Adam, his senior year, told his girlfriend that he wasn't gonna take her to the dance, and instead he went out and he spent all of his savings from working at the supermarket.

He bought Margaret this beautiful, teeny-tiny little dress and he wheeled her onto that dance floor, lifted her into his arms for the final sweeping song.

When she died the following week, she was clutching the wilted corsage he had given her in one hand while holding his in the other.

(sobbing)

That sucks.

It's a rough one, but I really thought you should know.

Wait, so was it a tiny dress because she was, like, tiny from the disease, or was it like a...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. What?

I just didn't know if the disease had made her really tiny.

(laughs) Oh, my God.

You know what? Now it makes sense why Adam's being so irrational.

This puts it all into perspective.

No, it doesn't, because I made it up!

What?

Yes, I made it up...

What?

And you didn't even shed a tear.

Your little brow didn't even furrow.

That's so f*cked up!

That is so f*cked up!

Are you serious?

What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with you? Nothing's wrong with me.

Oh, my God.

(laughing)

It's cool, man. I like you.

(sniffles)

Laird, it's fake. It's not real.

Just 'cause it's fake doesn't mean I don't feel it.

(sniffles)

(dog barks)

(Child shouts)

(birds chirping)

Hey.

Hey.

I don't know how you're feeling now, but I think that I was just shocked... about how random, uh, life can be... and how, um... one day you can just be walking around talking, using your gay phone app, and then the next, you're, you know, facedown in a river, and no one has a good explanation for what...

It always takes me a little while to process my emotions.

And I don't...

(voice breaks)

I really liked David.

I really felt connected to him and very grateful about how supportive he had been with me, and it's just hard to realize that my... champion... is gone.

I feel like...

I think I should tell you about Margaret.

She was my cousin, and she died.

When she was 12, I was 17, she had muscular dystrophy, which she had always had since she was born.

(dog barking)

We lived next door to each other, so we spent a lot of time together... just playing and talking.

You know, everyone always knew that she was gonna die, and also she always knew that she was gonna die, so, imagine living your life that way from the time that you're born.

Knowing that you're not gonna get to do anything that anybody else gets to do.

And all that she wanted was to go to a senior prom.

So I took her to mine.

She looked so cute in this little dress...

♪ I got some troubles, but they won't last ♪
♪ I'm gonna lay right down here in the grass ♪
♪ And pretty soon, all my troubles will pass ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo-shoo ♪
♪ Shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo, Sugar Town ♪
♪ I never had a dog that liked me some ♪
♪ Never had a friend or wanted one ♪
♪ So I just lay back and laugh at the sun ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm in shoo-shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo-shoo ♪
♪ Shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo, Sugar Town ♪
♪ Yesterday, it rained in Tennessee ♪
♪ I heard it also rained in Tallahassee ♪
♪ But not a drop fell on little old me ♪
♪ 'Cause I was in shoo-shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo-shoo ♪
♪ Shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo-shoo, shoo, Sugar Town ♪