01x07 - Welcome to Bushwich aka The Crackcident

Rent is due next week.

Yeah, and I got it covered.

You're gonna tell your parents you lost your job, right?


Oh, hey!

Hey, working girl!

Are you around?


Uh, to hang out with you?

So what's the plan for tonight?

I got asked on a date.



I don't want to pressure you.

No, I like pressure.

I was having s*x with a pharmacist.

Oh, yeah? Was it fun?

Was that a very weird thing for me to just tell you?

Why would that be weird?

Are we really breaking up?

You are not in love with me.

Where'd you find her? Back of the "Village Voice"?

Katherine found her. She's great. Very present.

Is everything okay with you money wise?

I mean really okay?

I'm making it work.

Marnie: I can't believe we're two hours late.

It's a gigantic f*cking warehouse party.

Marnie: It's not exactly believe a prompt situation.

Why are we even going?

Because, Marnie, jaded as I am, I still hold out hope that the next party will be the best party ever.

Okay, best party ever... to me that's like saying best gym ever or best nature documentary ever.

( Phone chimes )

Like, how good can it really be?

This is odd.

Just got a text message.

"What are you up to?"

I don't know this number.

Ask who it is.

No. That's no fun.

"At best party ever."

( Laughs )

"45 Bushwick place. Come."

Marnie: I think maybe I found it.

Okay, let's go.

It looks big and scary.

( Music playing ) because every single person is coming.

I don't know how to properly communicate this to you guys if you haven't heard me yet, but all of Brooklyn and two-thirds of Manhattan will be here.

Oh, my gosh, I mean, I just hope Charlie's okay seeing me.

His band is playing. I just cannot take a scene right now.

You would never even find him. It's like "Waterworld" in there.

It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

We are here now.

♪ And watch she goin' get donkey Kong ♪
♪ baby, if you're ready for things to get heavy ♪
♪ I get on the floor and act a fool if you let me,
♪ don't believe me, just bet me ♪
♪ my name ain't Keith, but I see the way you sweat me ♪
♪ LA, Miami, New York ♪
♪ say no more, get on the floor ♪

Join the movement. Tits out for Christmas.

Promise me we'll stick together in there, okay?

What am I gonna do? Go find my fixed-gear bike-riding friends?

I'm a loser.

You're actually not.

It's some weird mythology you have about yourself, kind of like the idea that you need to get 11 hours of sleep every night.

I do ever since I had mono.

Oh, my God, is that Shoshanna?



Hi. Hi.

Get over here.


Sorry. Excuse me.

Oh, my God. Thank God.

Oh, my God.

You look really sweet.

Really? No.


I mean, this is like six months old, this outfit.

Um, I've literally been here for two hours and I haven't spoken to anybody.

I'm so happy to see you, I could murder you.

Oh, my God, and your boyfriend's band is playing.

Now I have to go say hi.

No, you don't.

Yes, I do.

( Band playing )

( Music ends )

( Crowd cheering )

Thank you.

Whoever brought a f*cking baby, you don't bring a baby to a party like this.

Use your f*cking head.

We're Questionable Goods, fully downloadable at questionablegoods.tv. Have a good night.

( Crowd cheering )




Mm-mmm. It's nice to see your face.

Yeah, I thought it might be. Nice set.

Thank you.

It's just nice to see that you're playing.

You know, I know you didn't think you were doing that enough.

Yeah, right. No, actually, we've got some really great things lined up.

I'm really, really happy for you, Charlie.


I mean, all I ever wanted for you was to be able to find satisfaction outside of our relationship.


Um, it's good to see you.

Yeah. Yeah. No, you, too.

You look great.

This feels very, like, cordial and grown-up.

Yeah. Yeah, ríght?

Well, it's... you know, it's mature.





You were...

Whoa, whoa.

...f*cking awesome.

Shh, shh.

Thank you.

You were amazing.

Um, Marnie, this is... this is Audrey.

Hi. Nice to meet you. How good was he?

It was your first gig in, like, forever and you guys rocked it.

Hmm, gig.

I'm so impressed.

Um, sorry, what is... what is going on?

( Loud music playing )


( Crowd cheering )

What... what is going on with this?

I don't understand.

It's been two weeks.

Uh, yeah.

This happened in two weeks?

Uh, yeah.

No, I guess. We... we just met and sort of clicked.

I'm sorry, who are you?

You've never heard of me?

No, should I have?

Are you one of those "Real Housewives"?


You are a sociopath.

( Music playing )

This room is amateur hour.


Although I do love a man who only hangs out with dykes.

Look at them.

They're fawning all over him like he owns a home depot.


Whoo! All right!

Okay, that's Adam.

He does sort of look like the original man.

No, like my Adam. Like Adam Adam.

I've never seen him outside his house.

I've never seen him with a shirt on.

The last time I talked to him, he said that he missed me and he would pay me to come eat popcorn with him, but then he hasn't returned a text of mine in over two weeks.

And I was just coming to terms with the idea that he was dead.

Why are you all standing in a line?

Because that is Adam and I am not gonna talk to him.

Well, I just watched Charlie get climbed like a gym class rope by a tiny navajo.

And he didn't stop her because he has a girlfriend and she is his girlfriend.

What the f*ck is she doing?

( Shouting )

Oh, Hannah? Hannah!

Hey, guys, that's Hannah.

Woman: Hannah?

Adam: Hannah!

Tell her to come back.

You f*cking scared her!

Oh, no! No, no!

♪ Godzilla bankroll, stones from Sierra Leone ♪
♪ yo, I ain't got it all, that means I'm barely home ♪
♪ trailblazers stay ballin' ♪

You look incredible.

So does everyone in the "Age of Innocence" fan club get one of these or just the gold members?


Everyone gets one?

It's like wearable taxidermy.


Looks like it's just ready to like just mouth-fuck you.

Just f*cking...

How's your bug-eyed girlfriend?

She's not my girlfriend anymore.


Mm-mm, didn't work.


Eh, a bunch of reasons.

Her father's a shrink. She laughs at her own jokes.

So sexual... hi. Hi. Hi.


I've been looking for you. I just had this crazy realization.

It's kind of amazing and I'm gonna share it with you right now, okay?

Okay, so I was thinking... no, I feel, I believe that I can be much more awesome in kickboxing class.

Maybe I can even move towards the front and people would follow me.

Who the f*ck is this?

This is my cousin Shoshanna.

Shoshanna, Ray. Ray, Shoshanna.

She is my maternal cousin.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

So, like, what is it about women that makes certain people move towards the front, like, because they have a Brazilian blowout or they're engaged?

No, those are material concerns that make them feel the confidence to move towards the front, but it's not real.

There are always two spaces at least near the front, and I work hard and I kick ass and I'm going towards the front. Is it so crazy hot in here?

Are you... are you all right?

Mm-hmm, I think so.

I just... I'm really, really high.

I'm like out-of-my-mind high.

I smoked some pot in line for the bathroom, which is so dirty. Do not go in there unless it's an emerge.

With these guys in line for the bathroom, they gave me some pot out of a pipe, but it was a stem. They kept calling it a stem.

It was a stem.

I don't think she's high on marijuana.

Was it a crack stem?


Did you smoke crack?


Little white rocks?


It was a glass cigarette and I'm high.

And my ears feel like popping. Do your ears feel like popping?

Okay, hey, look at me. You smoked crack.

You smoked just some crack.

Oh, my God, don't tell my mom.

Don't even tell me.

I matriculate at N.Y.U. and I just smoked crack.

What's going to happen?

You're gonna be fine, okay?

Crack can be really fun under the right circumstances and it only lasts a little while.

And, I'll take care of you. I will be your crack spirit guide.


Shh, shh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my f*cking God.

What? What is it?

Can you watch her for one second?

Her? Are you f*cking kidding me? No way.

I'm not a f*cking jap day care. Absolutely not.

Please. That's my boss right there.

All I'm asking is that you just make sure she doesn't jump off a roof or get fingered by a beat-boxer.

Okay? Hey, Shosh, this is Ray. Remember Ray?

He's gonna be your new crack spirit guide.

Okay, I will be back. I'll be right back.

So how long... hey.

Hey! Hey! Hey, come back!

Wait! Over there... where are you going? Hey!

It's been two weeks. You know what I mean?


What if... I haven't done anything in two weeks.

I got your text.

Oh, you... oh, yeah.



This is a killer party. Liking the vibe.

Is that so?


Liking the vibe?

Good vibe.

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

You're gonna go to the front in kickboxing class.

It's okay. It's okay.

Ray: Shoshanna!

Just do not get raped by the man in plaid.

Don't get raped by the man in plaid.

I'm your crack spirit guide!


Oh, thanks, but no, thanks.

I probably shouldn't. I don't drink well.

You're Hannah, right?

I am, yeah. You're friends with Adam?

Yeah. Tako.

It's nice to meet you, Tako.

Yeah. It's with a "k."

Oh, okay. So how do you pronounce it?

Like that. You got it.

It's just I can usually tell when someone thinks it's with a "c."

All right, well, never again.

It's not that big a deal.

It's just something that's important to me.

Yeah, of course. I totally understand.

Sometimes people pronounce my name "Hana" like I'm Israeli or something and it can be completely disorienting.

Yeah, I know, right?

Hey, are you sure you don't want a drink?

I'm good, yeah. I shouldn't.

It never goes well for me.

Last time I got drunk, I ate all this brie and I threw up on my cell phone.

Okay, awesome.

All right, no alcohol for you.

Mmm, oh.

Is that how you know Adam?


Through A.A.

Oh, no. He's in A.A.?

Oh, sh1t.

I just blew his anonymousness.

Oh, balls, man.

Don't tell him, all right?

I just assumed that everyone that knew him, like, I mean, really knew him, knew that.

That's like the main defining thing about him, isn't it?

Well, that and his love of books.

Well, he's got like huge ears.

Well, yeah.

So that's usually the first thing.


This is a really fast mile. So many calories.

Ray: Hey!

Burning the most calories.


I was ideal.

I'm just saying, if I were a guy, like, you would have trouble getting over me.

I'm not bragging. I'm not bragging.

You would just find it difficult to, like... to pick up, pack up your backpack...

So when you texted me, you didn't know it was me?

I rarely save a number.

Right. Right.

Where's Katherine?

She's with the girls visiting her mom.

I stayed home to work.

Why do you do that?

Do what?

Stay home to work when you don't have a job.

Way to cushion the blow.

Oh, come on.

I don't care if you don't know what you want to be when you grow up.

But, why not just let that be your thing for a while?

I can't explain this to you.

Oh, why is that?

Because you're afraid it won't seem sexy?

This is insane.

I can't believe I texted you to hang out.

Oh, my God. I'm that guy.

I'm the guy that brings a bottle of wine to a party like this.


Well, maybe let's put a pin in your midlife crisis right now and go dance.

Come on.

( Bottle shatters )

Man: Hey!

Man #2: You just dropped a bottle on us!

That's f*cking dangerous.


Sorry, we didn't know that you were down there.

I did it, and I'd do it again, you crusty sacks of sh1t.

What did you call us?

You heard me. Crusty.

A crusty? Really?

You're gonna reduce us to a subculture and then not accurately name the subculture?


Bet you were born on a dirt floor.

What is that f*cking supposed to mean?

It means I don't think you're cool and I think your mother was poor.

What did you say to me, bitch?

Okay, guys, listen. Let's let cooler heads...

( Spits )

Hey, come on.

God, you just spit on Charles Manson.

♪ Bang, bang, bang ♪
♪ feathers, I'm plucking feathers ♪
♪ one by one by one ♪
♪ no more skylarking ♪
♪ around my head ♪
♪ your information ♪
♪ but there's no hiding ♪
♪ behind molting feathers ♪
♪ on the plane, in my brain, about to do the sho' ♪
♪ 40k contract, take it out the do' ♪
♪ dice symbolize my life, roll 'em on the flo'... ♪

Oh, hey, Hannah, hi.


I just thought I should come over and say hi to you.

No, I'm glad you did. I saw you earlier.

I tried to say hi, but you couldn't hear me.

Um, you look great. That's a great shirt.

You just... you seem great.

Thank you.

♪ Je te plumerai la tete ♪
♪ je te plumerai la tete ♪
♪ oh, no, oh, no, un, deux, trois ♪
♪ no one ever does it like that anymore ♪
♪ bang, bang, bang ♪
♪ when feathers fly, you deny everything ♪
♪ alouette, un, deux, trois ♪
♪ no one ever does it like that anymore ♪
♪ bang, bang, bang, alouette ♪
♪ when feathers fly, you deny everything. ♪

( Panting )

Okay. Okay.

Fine. Okay.

Listen... ah!





Oh, f*ck!


Stop chasing me!

( Groaning )

Your... your cous... your cousin told me to stay with you because she didn't want you to be left alone because you smoked crack. Okay?

f*ck. My balls are throbbing.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

I took this model mugging course and you beat up a guy dressed like a giant mattress to learn self-defense.

I don't have a mattress, okay?

And you're ridiculously strong, like inexplicably mutant strong.

I've really never tried it on a real man before.

I... I can't believe it worked so well.

It's an honor to be your first.

I think it was probably the crack.

It might have been the crack.

That might have had something to do with it.

( Exhales )

I took sports therapy class last semester to meet jocks.

It was mostly Indian girls.

But I could, like, massage you in a nonsexual way.

You want to massage my groin in a nonsexual way?

Yeah, yeah.

If it'll help.

Yeah, okay. Yeah, maybe it'll help.

Okay, okay.


( Exhales )

Yeah, this isn't sexual at all.

No, it's not.

( Distant sirens wailing )

It feels nice.




( Music playing )

♪ Watch me move when I lose, when I lose it hard ♪
♪ get you off with a touch dancing in the dark ♪
♪ you notice what I'm wearing, I notice when you're staring ♪
♪ you know that I can take it... ♪


Hi. Oh, my God.



So good to see you.

If you want to bust, I'm going to the navy yard on a scrapping mission.

What for?

I'm building a boat that we're gonna sail down the Hudson on the 4th of July.

And as it goes, it'll break.

In the last mile it's gonna sink.

Will you be on it?

Yeah, well, I can swim.

Oh, cool.

Do you want to come with?

I can't go scrapping right now. I'm here with my friends.

Could you hold my backpack?

Yeah, of course I will.

I would do anything for you because I think you are very brave and have come a very long way.

Okay, I am ready to rock. Ah!

( Music continues )


Could you slow down a little bit, please?

This is fun.


I mean, it's only been two weeks.

Two weeks. I mean, I can't f*cking believe it.

It's unreal.

I know. It's awful.

And Hannah could give a sh1t.

She's like, "Oh, there's Adam.

I'll go talk to him. See you later."

Just like she always does.

Oh, I know.

Well, that's our Hannah.

I know, right?

Why am I telling you about how selfish Hannah is?

You know all about that.

Oh, I sure do.

Elijah, it's so good to see you.

It really is.

You two are cut from the same cloth, aren't you?


I haven't seen you since college, and then you make me listen to the same crap I've been listening to since 2006.

It all sounds like vintage Hannah.

No, no, no. I'm just in a moment of crisis.

Like, you're here, so I'm talking to you.

Hannah's the selfish one. Everybody knows that.

Hannah's selfish?


Was she selfish when you made out with me sophomore year?

That was during "rent" rehearsals.

Was it? Because I remember Hannah had mono and we were in your dorm room and your nipples got hard.

But whatever you need to tell yourself to get through the night.

Are you serious? That was selfish?

How's this for selfish?

You dated Hannah for two years when all the while you were a secret queer.

Oh, secret.

"Rent" rehearsals.

Well, I don't know whose dick you had to suck to get that part, because your voice sounds like a bag of dying babies.

( Gasps )

That's a delicate spot for me.

I am never coming back to Bushwick again, ever!

I'm really scared, Adam. Can you please stop the bike?

We're almost at the junk place. Just keep holding on.

Well, I want to walk, so please stop the bike, Adam.

( Brakes squeak )

Aw, sh1t.

I'm telling you, I'm having appendicitis.

I need to see someone.

We'll call you as soon as there's some availability.

My doctor gave me some Vicodin.

Is that what it's called? Something for the pain.

Look, ma'am, you're gonna have to wait your turn.

I'm gonna burst all over this freakin' floor and you're gonna have to clean that crap up.

I'm on to her.

I don't know how I'm gonna explain this to Katherine.

Just tell her the truth.

That I followed you to Bushwick and got beat up by crusty punks?

That was clearly your first fight.

You're lucky it wasn't your last.

I heard that in a boxing gym once.

( Sighs )

( Crying )

Oh, God.

I'm so sorry.

( Snorting )


This feels so good.

Shh, shh.

You should... you should come home with me.

Let's spend the night together.

I mean, we won't do anything.

We'll just... we'll just keep each other company.

I'm sick.


I'm sick.

I can't... I can't do this kind of thing anymore.

You're a tease.

I liked you better when you were being the good guy.

Ain't that the way?

Don't be cross. We can still be friends.

We weren't friends to begin with.

You work for my kids.

( Phone chiming )

You okay?


Marnie: Where are you?

Like a f*cking heap of trash somewhere. I don't know.

Send me a drop pin.


You okay?

I'll be a lot more okay if you leave me alone.

I'm sending a drop pin.


Tako told me that you're an alcoholic.

I don't drink, no.

But you're like in A.A. That's like a whole thing you never told me.

It's been a part of my life since I was 17.

It's a big part of my life.

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you're drinking, you can't steer your sinking 4th of July boat.

But you never told me.

You never asked.

Was I supposed to f*cking guess?

'Cause you don't really seem like you're in recovery from much.

I think you might be a s*x addict.

You're right, I may be.

Again, that's sh1t you should have shared!

You never asked!

You never ask me anything besides "does this feel okay" or "do you like my skirt" or "how much is your rent?"

I'm not gonna f*cking talk your ear off about sh1t you don't ask out.

You don't want to know me.

You want to come over in the night and have me f*ck the dog sh1t out of you.

Then you want to leave and write about it in your diary.

You don't want to know me.

Do you ever even think about me when I'm not there?


Step away from her!

Who are you?

I'm her best friend, and I will not hesitate to press charges if you don't step away from her.

I know all about you and your sick instincts, okay?

And I'm not scared to be very clear with people about the kind of man that you are.

I am so f*cking out of here.

Oh, that's a real change. I'd never expect that from you.

You sound like a schoolteacher.

Yeah, well, enjoy going through life as yourself.



Your backpack.



Look, kid, I don't know what you want from me.

Do you want me to be your boyfriend?

Is that it? Do you want me to be your f*cking boyfriend?

( Woman vocalizing )

♪ Has it been a day or a week? ♪
♪ as my eyes begin to close ♪
♪ I am walking in my sleep ♪
♪ living in a state in-between ♪
♪ do the signs begin to show? ♪
♪ see the eyes there in the dark ♪
♪ as they glow ♪
♪ as they glow ♪
♪ these dreams ♪
♪ dance under my pillow ♪
♪ in the twilight of these white nights ♪
♪ these dreams under my pillow ♪
♪ in the bright lights ♪
♪ of these white nights ♪
♪ of these white nights ♪
♪ of these white nights ♪
♪ of these white nights. ♪

( Vocalizing )