01x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

I know I seem mental, but I'm fine.

OK.

How's everything at the cafe?

You really don't have to.

I got the Finland promotion.

That's amazing!

Thank you.

I'm turning it down.

What?

One of my pieces has gone missing.

You must have bent over backwards to get something like that.

Who's the artist?

I stole that sculpture from a certain somebody's studio.

Mum d*ed three years ago.

She had a double mastectomy, but never really recovered.

Don't let other people get in the way of what you really want.

My husband isn't other people, OK?

My husband is my life!

Your husband tried to kiss me on your birthday.

Did he?

Have you seen my sister?!

I mean, we're all being very grown-up about this, but...

Let me know if you feel any discomfort.

Oh, no, it's lovely, thank you.

Your father informed me of your family history.

Yeah, evil boobs everywhere.

Arm up, please.

[SHE LAUGHS]

Stop it!

I'm sorry, I'm just ticklish.

Examined your sister this morning.

Did you? Does she...

Is she all right? Did she seem all right?

Yes. Why?

Erm, just... can't get hold of her.

She seemed very busy.

Sure.

Dad books us boob appointments once a year, to make sure our tits don't turn on us like Mum's did.

It's a bit of a hassle but, at the end of the day, it's nice to be touched.

Bet you look forward to seeing Claire.

A lot more to touch, if you know what I mean.

[HE CLEARS HIS THROAT]

I'm sorry. It's just... there are worse jobs.

Look, erm... I check for cancerous lumps in mammary glands.

Now, any pleasure I derive from that is entirely dependent upon whether or not I am about to save your life.

Of course, Doctor.

You can put your clothes back on.

Hey!

Hey!

She's here.

I've been waiting out here for nearly 10 minutes.

Yeah, you left me on a f*cking Silent Hill.

Yes, well, I had to. Did you get back OK?

God, this is so stressful.

Mum's memorial lunch.

I should have worn my other coat.

Visiting Dad is hell for Claire.

I see it more as a sport.

It's so inappropriate that she should be here.

Have you spoken to Martin?

No, it's fine. Everything's fine.

Everything's totally fine.

It sounds like it's fine.

Can you please just give me some space?

You're standing so close to me!

Ready?

No.

[RINGS DOORBELL]

[THEY SIGH]

Don't tell Dad about Finland. And don't provoke her.

Let's just get out of this alive, OK?

Girls.

Got to hand it to her. Hi.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

Oh, they're actually for Dad.

Oh, are they freesias?

Yeah, they were sort of a favourite of...

Oh...

Gosh, how special.

How lovely. Aren't they stunning?

Aw, let's just leave them... there.

Lovely.

Come in.

[DISTANT CHAINSAW BUZZES]

Who's Dad sawing in half?

Oh, just the tree.

Sorry?

The tree in the back garden.

Why are you taking the tree down?

Oh, Felicity tried to use it to get out.

She's very expensive.

[CAT MEOWS]

This is nice.

Thank you.

Oh, this is beautiful!

I hope you don't mind my being here, but my Pilates fell through, so...

Oh, of course.

No, it's lovely.

It's a sad day.

A sad, sad day.

I'll get the champagne.

[CHAINSAW BUZZING CONTINUES]

[TOTAL SILENCE]

(This is my favourite bit.)

I wonder who's going to...

That's a lovely cushion.

Thanks. It's an original.

Gosh.

I love your hat.

It's a hair scarf.

Looks like a hat.

Well, it's a hair scarf.

OK.

Is Martin coming?

Oh, no.

He's away.

I'm very excited to meet your new chap.

Is he...

Oh, no, he's a different one.

Ooh.

You do turn over fast!

Dad will come in with some weird canapes in a second.

Girls!

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello... yeah.

Sorry about all that noise.

You got a drink?

Oh...

Oh, sorry.

I forgot your glass.

You're both looking very healthy, very... very good and healthy and...

Did you talk to Dr Samuels about your...?

Both: Yes.

And they're happy, getting along... all right?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Great.

Good. Excellent.

You are my... daughters.

[HE COUGHS]

Yep.

Yes, mmm-hmm.

Yeah, we are.

Sit down.

Erm...

I think I should say a few words about your mother.

Ignore me.

(Ignore me, ignore me.)

This day is not an easy one.

[CHAMPAGNE POPS]

Ooh!

Cheers.

To Mum.

To Mum.

To Margaret.

Dearest Margaret.

Just the most generous woman.

Yeah, well, she certainly was...

Yeah, she was great.

[HE LAUGHS] It was...

It was the voice she used... for the pigeons.

She always made them sound so rude, you know?

But very, very funny.

She used to take the girls around the park and point at the...

The squirrel voices were the best.

Run...!

Run! f*cking run!

Run-run-run-run-run!

Run-run-run-run!

Yes, yes, my ex had a similar thing - voices and fun.

Really, really funny man.

Really funny.

Can I help you with the food?

Yes, yes, I should...

And take that off.

So, are you going to Finland?

You're going to have to talk to me eventually.

Plaits.

Either she's got her period or some serious sh*t's gone down.

She always does something slightly different around her period.

She gets really bad PMT.

Mum used to call it her monthly confidence crisis.

But it's PMT.

The only way she can get through it is to reinvent herself in some small way.

What?

(I'm doing a wee on this cushion.)

What?!

I sort of wish you were.

What are you doing?

Just put it back where you got it from, OK?

No!

Just do it.

I don't want it in my house.

(I'm doing you a massive favour.)

(She could really go to town on you for this.)

Come on, what's she going to do? Draw me?

Go.

No.

(OK, OK, OK, OK, OK...)

(Jesus!)

Why are we sneaking?

We're not allowed upstairs.

Of course we are.

God...

I keep forgetting that she's actually talented.

I know, it's infuriating.

Go on, then.

Where's her head?

She's got your boobs - she doesn't need one.

OK...

OK. Hey...

Is everything OK?

With Martin?

You've invited someone today?

Yeah. Yeah, he's horrifically hot - you're going to puke when you see him.

Are you on your period?

Why would you ask that?

The plaits.

No reason.

Say it.

The plaits.

Hey...

(Do you think she's ever painted Dad naked?)

I think you should take your nose out of other people's marriages.

Ooh! Sneaking a preview, are we?

Sorry, I spilled my champagne and...

I got distracted on my way to the bathroom.

Me too.

It's really beautiful work.

Thank you.

Let me show you to the loo.

Oh, that's all right.

I grew up in this house.

It's all changed now, though.

Your father's in the kitchen.

Oh, great.

I'll go and torment him.

He hates being alone in a room with me.

Watch this.

Hi, Dad.

Oh!

Uh... oh...

Ah... erm...

I just need some... Just need...

What do you need?

I need some... salt.

There it is.

Oh.

Here it is, yeah.

So, erm... how are you, darling?

Have you got enough... clothes?

I can never have enough clothes.

And how is the cafe?

Erm... Well, the lease is up in a couple of days, and...

I don't think I can really afford to...

I think I'm just going to have to... accept that it's...

I'm sorry about that, darling.

But, of course, we're just a little bit tight on the purse strings, too.

Oh, no, I wasn't asking you for any...

We've just been keeping it quiet. We haven't been able to... to buy anything or do anything, and...

Ooh...

What's that?

Oh, that? That's just a... tiny little house we're... we're buying in, erm... in France.

Lovely.

Yeah. I...

I just wanted to talk to you... about this exhibition.

What exhibition?

Oh, no!

Jesus, Dad! Again?

Oh, no, it doesn't... Pick it up, pick it up!

Help me pick these up. Please, please!

She mustn't see it.

She mustn't find out.

OK, OK...

Mmm, five second rule.

No, I have never bought into that rule.

It's disgusting.

[THEY LAUGH]

What are you doing?

Oh, just a little family tradition.

Oh.

What odd fun. What are the rules?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh! Thank God. That'll be your man.

I mean, I didn't want to show off, but...

Gosh...

You really are...

So, how did you two meet?

f*cked me up the arse.

I used to manage a bar, and I... just found her crying, in the toilet one night.

How about you two? How did you two meet?

Through our mother, actually.

How's work, Claire?

Oh. Fine.

Nothing new.

She used to be our godmother.

Still am.

But then their parents split up...

Mum d*ed.

And we just became even closer friends.

Actually, you know - and I can say this because I'm an artist - but you really are very good-looking.

Thank you.

Very.

Thank you.

Very.

Thank you.

I mean, almost... too good-looking.

Well, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and do that old human thing.

How's the exhibition going?

Ah, yes, yes, erm...

I wanted to talk to you about that.

Talking about me?

[THEY LAUGH] - Very favourably.

All good things, I swear.

Oh, and again...

[THEY LAUGH]

Have you found a venue?

What exhibition?

Thank you so much for asking.

We have, actually...

Erm...

There are some elements of the work that I, you know, I wanted to talk to you about.

It's a "sexhibition."

But, don't panic, it's nothing scary.

It's simply a journey through my physical and sexual life, climaxing in a few pieces inspired by and moulded on your father.

And there are photos.

I've taken a photo of my naked body every year for the past 30 years.

Why?

Well, I think it's important for women of all ages to see how my body has changed over the years.

I think they have to have a healthy perspective on my body.

Don't they?

Oh, erm, absolutely.

I mean, I don't need to tell you, but your father is a deeply sexual man.

No, you don't.

Just did.

Knew it.

I'm just very lucky.

I will be touched until the day I die.

And so will you, Claire.

I mean, it's really all that humans want - is to be loved... and to be touched.

[CAT MEOWS]

Erm...

Tell Dad about your promotion, Claire.

There's nothing to tell.

What promotion?

Finland.

Oh!

Odd place.

Any news?

No.

She got it.

Oh...!

f*ck's sake!

Congratulations, Claire.

Thank you.

Clever girl!

Can we not?

This is so exciting...

She's turning it down.

Why?

Why?

Why, why not? Why, Claire?

Claire, are you pregnant?

Why aren't you getting on a plane to your gold rich future?

This is everything you've worked for...

Why...?

Because you CAN'T just f*ck off on aeroplanes, and leave your weird stepson and broken sister to fend for themselves, OK?

Excuse me.

She's your sister, it's your job to annoy her...

No, no, I'm just so annoyed with myself!

I wish I could just... meet myself and just... have a go at myself!

[DOOR CLOSES]

[DOOR OPENS]

Do your worst.

Come on, bitch!

You don't take yourself seriously.

Ooh... p*ssy.

You need to reach out to your family.

You need to stop provoking your sister - just grow up.

You do not take yourself seriously as a businesswoman, you need to pay your f*cking bills, you need to be nicer to Hillary and you need to get a new hat!

Is that better?

Yeah, it's better.

[SCRATCHING AT THE DOOR]

OK...

[CAT MEOWS]

Off you go.

The art work in this house is... stunning.

Who is it?

If I tell you, will you promise to come to my sexhibition?

It's not your work...

Will you come?

It would be an honour.

How's your little restaurant?

It's a cafe.

Oh, don't do it a disservice.

I'm not. It's a cafe.

Oh, sorry.

It's fine.

It's fine.

Your father tells me you're struggling.

Well...

I think we all are.

Oh, well, yes.

But, I mean, now there's only one of you...

God, I can't imagine what you've been through.

I'm sorry, have I missed something?

Well... her dear little friend d*ed, and left her to run the cafe on her own.

(Jesus.)

Oh, God, that is truly awful. How did she die?

Oh, she k*lled herself.

It was an accident.

Well...

Maybe it's time to let the little restaurant go.

Give it up.

Sell it - have a little holiday.

We did this.

Mmm-hmm.

And, whatever happens, we never let it go, OK?

Excuse me.

Have you seen Felicity?

Oh, no, sorry.

Gosh, all sorts of things go missing in this house, don't they?

Big house.

Yes, lovely house.

Oh, the sculpture turned up.

Did it?

Yes.

Must have just toppled off the side.

Well, if you rid a woman of her head and limbs, you can't expect her to do anything other than... roll around.

[THEY LAUGH]

What?

Oh...

Your father and I often say, when you've had a few drinks, you're so like your mother.

Oh, whoops.

Look at these.

So, the party's moved to the hallway. Always a good sign.

Does anyone mind if I leave? I've got a dicky tummy.

So swift...

Thanks.

I'm not going to kiss you because I'm probably very ill.

You too. Come on.

Goodbye then, my... my daughters.

Goodbye.

What a lovely occasion.

Yeah. See you at the sexhibition.

No, there's absolutely no need to...

Yes, lovely.

No, no - I'll definitely be there.

I will definitely be there.

Hold up!

You trying to keep me overnight? [SHE LAUGHS]

Very good-looking.

I might never see you again, but you're very good-looking.

Yes, yes... very good-looking.

Thanks, I owe you.

No, I owe you.

It's been really nice to spend the day with a normal family.

I actually feel quite emotional.

Will you stay with me tonight?

Sure.

I'm going to go warm up the bike.

Lovely to meet you, Claire.

You too.

Erm... what's his...?

f*cked me up the arse.

Oh.

Yep. It's...

Mm-hmm.

I totally see that now.

I'm sorry I was...

Listen to me.

I'm going to leave Martin.

I'm going to give you the money for the cafe, and I'm going to go to f*cking Finland.

OK.

Oh, and, erm...

That is the coolest thing you've ever done.

I know.

Thanks, Claire.

Shall we...?

We can try.

I'll see you at the sexhibition.

Yeah.

[MOTORBIKE REVS]

[HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS]