01x09 - Green Card

Nicole: And then this woman tried to return soiled tights and I was just like, no way, gotta shut this down real quick.

Ugh, good for you.

That's disgusting.

Mm-hm.

[cell phone buzzing]

Ooh.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Who's that?

Allo, bonsoir. Je suis Jean.

It's Madison, my student loans officer.

Whenever she calls, I just hand the phone to Devin.

She thinks it's like the wrong number.

[French accent] How many times I tell you this?

You have zee wrong number at this end.

Tout alors. Bonsoir.

Jean's my favorite. He's so rude.

Mais oui.

Mais oui.

How long do you think you can keep this up?

I dunno.

Doesn't it bother you to owe all that money?

Nah, I figure I'll die under two things... an amount of debt and a Hemsworth.

You are so funny.

Thank you.

When are you going back to acting?

Oh, my God, I am not. I have a job now.

This is what I do now, even if it sucks.

It doesn't suck.

You're one month away from health insurance.

That means free check-ups.

You're right.

It has been a while since I've seen the pussy dentist.

Last time I was there, she let me take a selfie with that like headlight thingie.

Got a lotta likes.

♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la lay ♪
♪ La la la la ♪
♪ La la la la la lay ♪

Goodbye.

Okay, there's a woman here to see you.

Oh, Jesus, who keeps selling that lady tights?

No, not her. It's a woman in a business suit and she's real mean.

Oh, where is she?

In the back.

All right.

Yeah, have fun with that.

[door slams]

Nicole: [gasps]

Hey, Madison.

Hey, Nicole.

Just wanted to congratulate you in person on your first full-time job ever.

Oh, thanks, Maddy-cakes.

And I also wanted to let you know that your loan deferral period is now over.

What?

Mm-hm.

You know, it's been a fun four years waiting for you to have reportable income.

It wasn't easy.

Mmmm...

Well, now you can start paying back the $23,000 in student loans that you owe.

First payment is due in a week.

What if I don't pay?

Mm, we garnish your wages.

I bet you're expecting me to make a joke about parsley right now, but... I am better than that.

See you soon, Nicole.

Or, more likely, see 25 percent of your paycheck soon.

[laughing]

Okay.

Okay, you can go.

I work here, so, I mean, if you... you... yes.

Madison: Leave.

Yes.

Quickly, please!

Yes.

These never show up on Craigslist.

It's the perfect coffee table.

And you're telling me this why?

Because I need you to help me move it?

Okay, ha-ha, bye-bye.

Nicole has work. Come on, it's not that heavy.

I just need another body.

I just got my nails gelled, and I'd rather get locked in a sauna than spend unnecessary time with you.

Twenty bucks.

Oh, you think a measly pouch of coins is gonna help you get your stupid table?

How low do you think I've sunk?

Twenty bucks and those mango edibles that you like.

Okay, fine, you have a deal.

I have to go. The waiter's here.

Hi, Samir, what can you tell me about these hot dogs?

Beef. Beef.

Ground beef shaped like hot dog. Beef.

And how are they prepared?

Frozen, then roller.

What are my bun options?

Lovely, now could you talk to me about that topping station.

Relish. Mustard. Cheese. Onion.

Ketchup is broken.

That's perfect.

Only children and savages put ketchup on their hot dog.

I'll take that one.

[speaking non-English]

Ten thousand... [speaking non-English] ...green card.

[speaking non-English]

Excuse me, could you fill in those non-English words of your conversation that I was listening to?

A girl I was supposed to marry for a green card backed out.

Oh, really?

I offered her ten thousand, but some Canadian guy paid her fifteen.

Aw, stupid Canadians.

So, you're telling me that you're willing to pay $10,000 to any woman who'll marry you?

Yeah.

Devin: Finally. I've got some great news.

You no longer have to go back to the Mall of Sorrow.

What are you talking about?

I was at the gas station on Calvert and I entered an ethnic conversation.

You've gotta stop doing that.

No, no, it broadens my horizons.

This is an ethnic conversation.

Oh, I guess so because I...

That's not the point.

A very elegant Pakistani man named Hassan is looking to get married so he can stay in the US.

I'm not marrying a guy you met at a gas station.

He's offering ten grand.

That's not even half of what I owe.

It's not about the debt, it's so you can quit your job and get back to acting, okay?

Our dream is alive.

Devin, I don't know how many times I can tell you this...

I don't wanna go back to acting.

I'm a month away from getting health insurance, and I'm not walking away from that.

But I will walk away from you.

You stupid, ignorant, pretty bitch!

Don't you know how talented you are?

...and lacquered burled walnut made in Virginia, kiln-dried, original retail price $1300.

Guess what I paid?

Shut up!

Four hundred bucks.

You're unbelievable.

How can you talk about furniture at a time like this?

We're picking up furniture.

It's like the perfect time to talk about furniture.

Our best friend is going through the biggest crisis of her life, and all you care about is a chunk of wood.

What friend? Nicole?

We share no other friend.

She's a star and you're crushing her dreams.

I'm supporting her.

No, you're enabling her.

If anything, I'm enabling her into becoming a functional human being.

No, you're enabling her into becoming a soulless corporate demon like you.

[buzzer ringing]

Hi, we're here for the table.

So, what they're going to do is take $225 out of each paycheck.

[gasps]

No, you actually have a pretty dope interest rate here.

I don't know what that is.

Don't worry about it.

So, basically, in five years...

[gasping]

...stay with me, you'll be half way there.

[groaning]

It's really not that bad.

Look at this payment schedule.

Well... I guess it's good to have a plan.

[sighing]

Yes, Hassan, I will marry you!

Wait, which one of you is Hassan?

What if he's scamming you?

What do you mean?

I don't know. What if he tries to open like a bunch of credit cards in your name?

I can't open credit cards in my name.

Mm-hm. It just seems shady.

It's not shady.

I need $10,000 to pay back my loan, he needs to stay in the country.

Ooh, can I have a vodka soda, please?

Me, too.

Wait, you're using it to pay back your loan?

Yeah, why do you sound so surprised?

I just thought you would use the money to take another shot at acting.

Ah, no, I am done with that.

All that rejection was making me feel like I'm not a wonderful, funny person... which I very much am.

You very much are.

[laughs] Show business can suck on these nuts!

Oh. That was very emphatic.

Thank you. You know...

That's a good word. What's that mean?

Ooh, never mind.

You have a lovely home.

Thank you.

We got it cheap 'cause it was zoned for a kennel.

Would you like some cheese? Can... can you have cheese?

Is it forbidden? Does someone need to bless it?

Oh, I can have cheese. Thank you.

Great idea.

[phone camera clicks]

We're gonna need pictures to prove our marriage is real, during the interview.

Yes, I knew that. That was not for Snapchat.

What am I? Some sort of child?

So, the wedding?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Okay, I'm thinking wedding in Paris, Vera Wang dress, honeymoon in Fiji.

I've never been, but that water bottle is very tropical.

I was thinking we could get married here in the Valley.

Okay. Disappointing, but, okay.

Now, there is the issue of s*x.

Mmm, yes, intercourse.

I would never impose that upon you, but during the interview, they may ask some intimate questions, and we should have a unified answer.

Mm-hm, yeah, you're right. Okay.

In my mind, you're a freaky little dude who's into butt stuff... your butt.

You start out with a finger, then you graduate it to a moderate plug.

Now you wanna keep that bad boy in there all day long.

Or we could just have regular-style s*x three times a week?

Missionary?

Yeah.

Unh-unh, no.

They're never gonna buy that I'd settle for that.

Let's throw in a "69" every third Tuesday.

O... kay.

Ooh, yes!

Wait till these immigration idiots get a load of this!

[phone camera clicks]

Marcia Clark, I want you to meet your new best friend...

Madeleine All-light, and, of course, Amelia Chairhart.

I wish I could give you a feminist name, but I ran dry after Chillory Clinton... the fridge. [laughs]

Goodnight, Marcia, I love you.

[laughs]

I'm a lunatic.

[clicks off light]

[gasps]

What the f...

What is that?

Ow! [gasps]

No!

[eerie music]


Marcia Clark... did you do this to me?

[gasps]

[screaming]

[birds cawing]

[laughing]

It's not funny!

Yeah, it is.

You were so excited about that table, you thought you were getting the deal of the century, and then it was full of spiders.

Well, I need you to take me to the hospital.

Nicole's busy.

Fine.

But only because I wanna see how bad your face looks in person.

Yeah, okay, ha-ha!

Yeah. Eight pairs later, we got it.

Beautiful shoes.

Hobbit feet.

Oh.

Hey, what are you doing here? You're not supposed to be at work.

I'm shopping for a wedding dress!

I'm getting married!

No! Oh! Oh...

I've got the perfect dress... simple, elegant, really hugs the curves.

Ooh.

I'ma go get it.

No, hold up, hold up.

He gave me $500, but I'm only spending $50

'cause I wanna spend the rest on a tiny little trampoline.

Doof! Doof! Doof!

No. No. No, stop doofing.

You don't need to lose weight. Who told you that?

"Society"? Let me tell you something.

You are beautiful exactly how you are, and real men, they appreciate a woman with curves and some stuff.

Damn it!

Sorry.

Donny, the trampoline's just about fun.

Oh! Man, I'd actually like to watch that.

Oh, yeah, I'll bounce for you any time.

Oh, and I'll film it.

Oh, great!

♪ And we'll put it up on YouTube ♪
♪ And then I'll watch it with my dress off ♪

Donny: A million hits.

♪ If you want my love ♪

Oh, yeah, lovely.

Unh, too itchy.

Donny: [heavy sigh]

Oh! That first one... terrible.

But this!

Aw, Jesus, Donny, no.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh... my... God!

How much?

Well, with your employee discount...

$49.99.

Oh, perfect!

I'm just gonna wear it out.

[kissing]

Donny!

Ooh, I'm really taxin' these khakis.

[groans]

Is the Dumper's Combo enough for two people?

Oh, the mozz sticks are real filling.

I'm getting married today.

Aw, thank you for making Dumper's part of your special day.

[laughing]

Crowd: [cheering]

Nicole: [laughing]

[gasps] No! [whimpers]

Am I gonna get my money today?

You'll have it on Monday.

Make sure that I do.

I will.

[chomping]

[heavy sigh]

She was here when we opened.

Why couldn't you have just parked at Urgent Care?

Because it's $1.25 every 15 minutes, Ron.

Veronica: [groans]

There's like ten people ahead of us.

I'm such a saint today. I'm saving everybody's lives.

What are you talking about?

I'm saving you from a most-certain death and I found a way for Nicole to get back to the stage.

Oh, yeah, back to acting.

What was that?

Nothing.

Spit it out.

She's not going back to acting, she's using the money to pay back her debt.

[inhales deeply] Oh...

It was Nicole's decision.

She's cutting her debt in half.

It is the right choice.

No, it's not.

You're the one that filled her head with the nonsense about fiscal responsibility, and jobs, and pussy dentists.

All of that is just stuff that you're supposed to do and, for the last time, it's not a dentist.

Look, this money is Nicole's one shot at getting a second chance at her dream.

[sighs]

Look, this is gonna sound harsh, but she took her shot, and she didn't make it, so, let her move on.

Never.

[sighs]

I think my face is leaking.

[gasps] Yeah.

Are we doing this or what?

Yeah, he'll be here in a minute.

Just, uh, give me... give me one sec.

You look great, by the way.

Fat Girls?

Mm-hm.

Nice.

Devin on phone: Hello.

Hey, where are you guys?

You know that table Veronica loves so much?

Yeah.

Full of spiders.

Ooh, that is horrifying. Funny, but horrifying.

I know. Anyways, one of those little heroes crawled out, bit Veronica in the face, and now she looks like a half-inflated bounce house at a quinceañera.

It that really what I look like?

Yeah, one hundred percent. So, we're at the hospital.

Wait, you took her to the hospital?

I mean, it's not a nice one. It's Van Nuys Urgent Care.

It's disgusting.

Yeah, but it's so very nice of you to take her to the hospital.

Tell Veronica that I hope that spider didn't lay eggs in her face like that lady in Guatemala.

What lady in Guatemala?

Bye!

[door opens]

Hassan not coming.

What? Why?

No.

Where is he?

Gas station.

Bye.

[sighs]

Now I know how Julia Roberts felt.

No, she's the runaway bride.

I've never seen the movie.

[door chime rings]

Uh-oh.

How could you do this to us?

I'm so sorry, Nicole.

What is your deal?

Listen, I talked to a lawyer.

If we get caught, I will get banned from the US for life.

What happens to me?

Nothing.

Then what is the problem?

I have family here.

Not being able to see them would be devastating.

So, you'd rather go back to India?

I am from Pakistan.

Okay, I'm sorry.

So, you came from Pakistan to here with a dream, a dream of what?

To own my own industrial adhesive company.

Adhesive is cool.

Any dream including, you know, adhesive, if it's worth dreaming about, it's worth taking a risk for.

That's very insightful.

Ha-ha. Thank you.

I got it from this Snapple cap, and I stole it from this gas station.

Not this one. No, thank you. What?

You're right. I can't give up now.

So, you wanna make an honest woman outta me?

I'm not sure that's possible.

But I can try.

Where do you see Nicole in five years?

Can we talk about this later?

Where do you see her?

I haven't really thought about it.

You know, when I first moved out here, I washed dishes at the Cheesecake Factory, and all of the waiters were aspiring actors, as was I.

Are you paying attention?

Uh-huh.

Well, we all had one thing in common...

That you worked at the Cheesecake Factory?

Fine, we had two things in common.

We worked at the Cheesecake Factory and we were all talentless.

That's right, I said it, and you know it's not easy for me to say that.

Okay.

But when I met Nicole, I knew right away she was something special.

Yeah, she's talented, but a lot of people are talented.

Not like her.

Why don't you want her to have a second chance?

Why don't you believe in her the way that I do?

[cell phone music]

Ma'am, are we done with all of these juices?

We have a wedding to go to.

Let's go!

What?

Devin: Wedding's back!

Do you, Nicole...

Our little girl's finally grown up.

Yep, seems like just yesterday she was making bong out of a watermelon.

This is all just so beautiful.

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride.

Yes, gimme some of that Pakistani sugar!

[kissing]

Nicole: [laughing]

Of course.

Get in the picture.

Absolutely not.

Get in the picture! It's my wedding!

Fine.

Uh, sorry, accidental selfie. [laughing]

You can keep that one.

Camera's turned around. Okay, everyone say "cheese!"

Devin, Nicole, Hassan: Cheese!

[phone camera clicks]

Perfect.

Now a silly one.

[phone camera clicks]

Wonderful.

Devin: Seriously, that was the best wedding I've ever been to because it only took nine minutes.

This is lovely. Oh, dear...

I woulda had so much fun at the mall with you.

I'm gonna miss you. [kisses]

Oh, crap, I got lipstick on it.

Hey, Devin, can you give me and Nicole a minute?

Why?

Because I wanna talk to her about something.

No.

Oh, my God...

I think you should take another shot at acting.

Really?

But, like, what about my debt and my health insurance?

[bleep] it.

You're too talented to be caged up in retail.

You're a star. You can't quit on your dreams.

It's what you were born to do. It's who you are.

And, for the record, I felt this way the entire time, and she's just now jumping on board.

Oh, my God, I love you guys. I just wanna smoosh your faces.

Ew, well, not yours, because of the spiders.

Yeah.

Oh, screw it. We're not in Guatemala.

Come in here! Gimme a hug!

Devin: Yeah.

Nicole: Yay!

Oh, no, Devin, you squeezed me too hard.

A little bit of pee came out.

Oh, no.

Okay, I've gotta go clean up. Can you hold everything?

Yeah, I'm sorry, sweetie.

Oh, Lord.

Oh, I don't wanna move too much. It's a mess down there.

Oh, boy...

Hey, it takes a lot to admit that you're wrong.

I don't think I ever actually was wrong.

[tutting]

My point is Nicole and I are very happy that you're on our side of things now.

[sighing] Oh, whatever.

By the way, you owe me $25 for that hospital ride.

Okay, ha-ha.

Devin: [laughing]

Cash.

[sighing]

[cell phone buzzing]

[heavy sigh]

Oh.

That's my girl.

"Dear Madison, I owe you repayment of one crippling student loan debt.

Sorry, bye!"

[sighs]

Next.

Who's that?

Oh, that's Amy Mclafferty.

She had a four episode run on Perfect Strangers in 1989.

Uh, you don't say.

Mm-mh.

Cool.

Yeah.

So, do you wanna sign up for acting class or what?

Oh, yeah. Here is the application.

And... I was wondering if I could sign a check over from a Pakistani man.

Oh? Uh, let me check with Steve.

Steve.

All right. Steve says it's cool.

Yay!

Well, I'll be seeing you soon.

Yeah.

Pa-pa-pow!