02x04 - Helen

(VAN MOANING)

♪ You ♪

♪ Don't know, don't know ♪

♪ You don't know ♪

♪ Don't know ♪

♪ Waiting on you...

♪ EARN: Are you getting paranoid?

You're paranoid, huh?

No.

I just don't think you're gonna like it up there.

Where, Helen?

I've been there before.

Fourth grade.

Field trip.

Tamika Rich threw up.

No, the festivities, Fastnacht.

It's really traditional.

Oh.

Well, if we don't like it, we can just go back to the lodge, and do lodge stuff.

"Lodge stuff"?

Yeah, lodge stuff.

I know it sounds gross, but it's pretty much what we were doing this morning.

And you'll be high, so you'll have more tongue confidence.

You notice that?

Now I'm paranoid.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

This is gonna sound like a high question, but it's not.

Got it.

Are black women considered brunettes?

(VAN GASPS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(HORN HONKING)

(HONKING)

Is it weird that made me hungry?

(EXHALES)

You, too?

Oh, sh1t.

(GRUNTS)

This is nice.

We're gonna be the only black people here, aren't we?

VAN: Christina's half.

(BELL TOLLING)

VAN: The important thing is the Faschingstanz, and make sure you mix in some actual dance moves with the traditional ones.

They'll love that.

- All right.

- We're gonna win for sure.

Christina's gonna be so mad, 'cause Dave can't dance for sh1t.

- (LAUGHS)

- I'm not that great, either.

I don't know.

You got some swag.

It's weird swag, but people like it.

Oh, by the way, traditionally, there's a moor character that people show up in blackface, so...

- Great.

- Mm-hmm.

When you were a kid, didn't you feel, like, weird about all that?

Hmm, I used to.

But I'm kind of like the Serena Williams of the festivities.

They hate, but they can't deny the stats.

EARN: You're so competitive.

VAN: I know.

And you love it.

(TRADITIONAL GERMAN MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

VAN: Hey, baby.

DAVE: Hey!

- Oh, my God.

Hi.

- It is so good to see you.

- What's up, Van?

How are you?

- Hey, Dave.

- I'm good.

Ha, look.

- (GASPS)

- Hey, yo!

- Amazing.

- That looks good.

- Love it.

- Look at you.

- DAVE: Look, I told you she'd dress up.

VAN: Earn.

Earn!

You want to take our picture?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, um...

- Huh.

(CAMERA CLICKING)

There we go.

- I took three.

- Thank you.

Where is your costume?

Oh, yeah.

That's not me.

I'm not really into...

Y-Yeah, but you got to dress up, man.

I mean, like, why are you here?

- Look at me.

I'm wearing lederhosen, dawg.

- Yeah.

I-I get it.

I don't know.

Van likes it.

- Where-where'd she go, though?

- Yo.

- I got a spare mask in the whip.

- I'm...

(CHUCKLES)

- I'm all right, man.

- You sure?

- I'm sure, man.

- You'd look good in it.

I feel good like this.

(MAN CACKLING)

What the hell is that?

It's a Schnappviecher. It's a demon thief.

Every Fastnacht, he steals something from one unlucky villager.

WOMAN: No way!

You look so good!

Oh.

You look great...

and I'm sorry.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Where's that mask you were talking about?

Yeah, it's in the whip.

Cool.

Welcome to another Fastnacht. Here, take these, please.

- Game on.

- Thank you.

We've got some excellent prizes tonight, provided by Dixie Gas.

Big shout-out to Dixie Gas for these two movie gift cards.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

LUCAS: And I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm ready to Hootz-Kutz.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

(MOUTHS)

(WHISPERING): Just bounce the ball to me when it comes, but don't say "Hootz-Kutz" unless you have to.

Okay.

- He's never played.

- Okay, okay.

Are we ready to Hootz-Kutz?

- Yeah!

- (CHEERING)

On-on my count.

Ready, set, go.

(LAUGHTER)

- Oh!

- LUCAS: Come on, Earn.

VAN: You're supposed to catch it, okay?

- I'm sorry.

All right, sorry.

- It's okay.

Go.

- There it is!

- (SHOUTING)

- (LAUGHTER)

- (MOUTHS)

We're supposed to pass them.

- Don't just...

- WOMAN: Oh, my God!

Switch!

Hold, hold.

(TRADITIONAL GERMAN MUSIC CONTINUES)

LUCAS: Thank you.

Earn, you're just standing there, dude.

VAN: Earn.

- LUCAS: Earn, don't just stand there.

- VAN: Earn.

(MUSIC STOPS)

What'd you...

whoa, whoa.

Whoa.

Whoa.

That was crazy.

How'd you do that?

I just put the...

I just held the balls and put them in the jug.

Shh, no, no.

No, hold on.

(CHUCKLES)

I've been playing Hootz-Kutz since I was a little kid, and I've...

I've never seen anyone do that.

- (LAUGHS)

- sh1t, dude.

No, seriously, man.

How-how did you do that?

I just held the balls and-and put them in the jug.

(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)

Oh, my goodness.

(WHISTLING)

Earnest "Halten" Marks!

Give it up for Earn!

ALL (CHANTING): Earn!

Earn!

Earn!

Earn!

Earn!

Earn!

Earn!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

What's "halten"? It just means "to hold." You really should learn German.

Yeah, I know.

It's so useful.

You got lucky as f*ck back there.

You should listen to me next time.

You're starting to sound more like Serena Williams's dad.

BEN: Hello.

What can I get you?

- Wow.

- Uh...

(SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

(BOTH SPEAKING IN GERMAN)

- (SPEAKS GERMAN)

- No.

Okay.

(SPEAKS GERMAN)

(BOTH LAUGH)

Did you understand that?

No.

Okay.

(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

The mask, maybe...?

Mm... yeah.

(BOTH LAUGH)

(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

Ding, ding.

How about some service?

(LAUGHS)

Wow.

(BOTH SPEAKING GERMAN)

(MAN CACKLING)

BEN: Here you go.

(VOCALIZING)

(CACKLING)

(POLKA MUSIC PLAYING)

There's always gonna be more girls, man.

I get that, but...

But how are you supposed to know what you want the rest of your life right now?

Sometimes I feel like she wants me to be lame.

I mean, like, this isn't me.

I mean, like...

You know, I don't know, maybe she wants a guy who could speak German.

You know what I'm say...

A guy who enjoys dancing to polka music.

I'm not that dude.

I-I don't know why she wants me to pretend like I'm that dude.

Well, she just, you know, wants to spend more time with you, and that's what girls do when they like you.

They just want to twist their life up with yours.

That way, it's harder to disconnect.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Um, so, the guys are dancing in three minutes.

You want to go over some moves?

Yeah, actually, let's go over here for a sec.

Okay.

Ping-Pong.

No.

This is obviously a traditional Pingen-Pong...

- tablisch...

- Tischtennisplatte.

- Yeah, that's what I said.

- Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I was just thinking we could spend some one-on-one time together.

Can we spend some one-on-one time dancing?

It's just one game.

Come on.

It's the only white game I know.

Okay.

But one game.

If I win, no more complaining.

We dance and my name is on the front of the trophy.

- Fair.

- Okay.

- And if I win...

- Mm...

- Come on.

- Oh.

- Mm, mm.

Mm-hmm.

- Okay, well, don't be upset when you're in a weird sexual position.

You need a warm-up?

Come on.

Let's go.

Best out of three.

Ready?

- Okay.

- Ready?

Baby, I thought you used to play.

Yeah, okay.

Come on.

Come on, Serena.

Let's do it.

You got it.

(QUIETLY): f*ck.

That's two out of three, baby.

- Mm-hmm.

Come on.

- (DROPS PADDLE)

Let's go dancing.

It's match point.

Why'd you do that?

What're you talking about?

This was your idea.

Yeah, but when we play basketball, I don't just destroy you in front of everybody.

There's nobody here.

They're all dancing.

Oh, my God.

I'm sorry.

Was he here the whole time?

He was standing right next to me?

Let's go.

Come on.

You lost.

Let's go.

I'm-I'm not in the mood.

Seriously?

You're being a f*cking baby.

Fine.

I'll do it if I f*cking have to.

This is typical.

- Whatever.

- Wait.

Hold up.

I'm sorry.

What?

I said I'll do it if we f*cking have to.

You don't have to do sh1t.

We do your sh1t all the f*cking time.

We went to a strip club.

- You liked the strip club.

- I liked going to a strip club?

I'm a woman.

I need to go f*cking look at titties?

- Then just say you don't enjoy it.

- No.

- You didn't like that.

- I want to just spend time with you.

- It doesn't matter to me.

- Well, I was trying - to f*cking spend time with you.

- I wanted to go dancing.

It's f*cking stupid.

I don't like it.

But you can't do it for me?

I'm not trying to go to f*cking Alfred's concerts every f*cking weekend.

I wouldn't sh1t on that.

That's paying your f*cking bills.

Wow.

Yeah.

You can be real mean, man.

f*ck you.

♪ One: don't pick up the phone, you know he's only calling ♪

♪ 'Cause he's drunk and alone ♪

CHRISTINA: Where'd Earn go?

VAN: Ugh.

He's being a baby.

I don't understand what...

he wants from me.

- Christina.

Oh, my God.

- Oh!

Hi.

- How are you, Flo?

- It's so good to see you.

So good!

- I'm so glad you're here.

- What's going on?

Oh, just everything.

- Yeah?

- I know.

It's so good to see you.

- It's so good to see you, too.

- Did you see Jen here?

I vaguely remember.

I think I saw her.

- Oh, my God.

- Oh!

Oh.

(CHUCKLES)

This is Flo.

Flo, this is Lottie's mom.

Oh, my God.

So nice to finally meet you.

(CHUCKLES)

- Mm-hmm.

- Kai is in love with Lottie.

She's just so polite and sweet when she's at our house.

- Oh.

She better be.

- (LAUGHS)

Uh, hi.

I'm Tek.

- It's nice to meet you.

- You, too.

Babe, this is Lottie's mom.

- Right.

Okay, Earn's girl.

- Yes.

- FLO: Yes.

- Right.

Yeah, I've heard a lot about you.

You know, Earn's making some really cool moves with Paper Boi.

People are really impressed.

- Thank you.

- TEK: So...

FLO: Tek hears all the tea at the label.

TEK: Yeah, a lot of tea.


I handle his publishing.

So, do you work with Earn, or you an artist?

No, I'm sort of in between things right now.

I stay at home mostly.

Oh, she used to be a teacher.

- Oh, that's great.

- Yeah.

You're so lucky.

- Thank you.

- FLO: Yeah.

Babe.

What's going on?

- Wait.

W-W-Wait.

- I just need a drink.

No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Let-Let's sit down.

Let's sit...

No, no, no, seriously.

Come.

Sit down.

It's gonna be fine.

What's going on?

I don't know why you have to introduce me as Lottie's mom.

- You know my first name.

- Yeah, but...

And that's not all that I'm gonna be for the rest of my life, is Lottie's mom.

Of course not.

I know that.

But you make that sh1t look good.

Like, it's different for you.

What do you...

what do you mean?

You know, it just seems like something that you're more ready for.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

- What do you mean?

- Because...

you know, like, you chose Earn.

I chose Dave.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, like, since we were kids.

Like, I chose white.

You chose black.

Like, it's...

Okay.

- No.

- You...

Yeah.

I didn't choose black.

Yes, you did.

You never hung out with me and Melanie when we invited you.

And you only went to the black parties.

I mean...

it's like you needed that identity.

Yeah, but you...

But Melanie was never nice to me.

Well, I mean, you never invited me to your parties.

That's because, um, you always acted like you were better than us, and you would pander to us and say sh1t like, "I wish I had kinky hair." Which you do.

You just...

you straighten it.

- (SCOFFS)

- So it's, like, weird to...

it's weird to say.

- Do you know what I mean?

- I didn't, and I think

- you're going way too far.

- What?

- Like, seriously?

- You literally just told me that I'm gonna be a baby mama, and that's okay because I "chose black." Well, of course...

- Are you serious?

- DAVE: Babe!

We won, babe!

(STAMMERS)

- Will you take a pic?

My phone's died.

- Yeah.

- Yay.

- (LAUGHS)

sh1t.

I don't know where my phone is.

I thought I had it.

- I just had it.

- DAVE: For real?

Really?

- Yeah.

- Did someone get Schnapped?

(BELL RINGS)

LUCAS: It is now the witching hour.

Who here has been struck - by the Schnappviecher? - Right here!

Right here!

Wudeljagd! (CROWD CHEERING)

LUCAS: Wudeljagd! (CHANTING): Wudeljagd, Wudeljagd!

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

Wudeljagd, Wudeljagd, Wudeljagd!

Okay.

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

(GRUNTS)

(GLASS BOTTLE ROLLING)

Hello?

Hi.

(CACKLING IN DISTANCE)

(SCRAPING NEARBY)

(SNORTING)

(SCREAMS)

(GRUNTS)

(EXHALES)

(PHONE VIBRATING)

(FOOTFALLS APPROACHING)

You find it?

Uh-huh.

DAVE: Vanessa Keifer is this year's warrior!

(CHEERING, WHOOPING)

(FOOTFALLS APPROACHING)

You want a rematch?

What do you want?

A rematch.

I mean in our relationship.

This feels like a trap.

It's not a trap.

No bullshit.

What do you want?

You want me to go first?

Please.

I want to be...

in a committed relationship where I'm valued as a human being and not as an accessory that you can f*ck.

That's a good answer.

Um...

I don't know what I want.

I...

I know this... arrangement works for me.

So it works for you.

So, you don't want to change anything?

This definitely feels like a trap.

I don't want to keep having this conversation.

I'm really tired.

Well, we don't have to have this conversation now.

We can talk about it in the morning.

Well, I don't want to keep waiting around for you.

And I don't want you to waste any more of your time.

Then let's settle it.

If I win, you only have to see me if it's about Lottie or money.

That's not what I meant.

Then beat me.

I don't see what this is gonna prove.

It's gonna prove that I'm tired.

All right.

Best of five.

(EARN SIGHS)

("MY ANGEL" BY HARRY BELAFONTE PLAYING)

♪ Malaika ♪

♪ Nakupenda Malaika ♪

♪ Malaika ♪

♪ Nakupenda Malaika ♪

♪ Ningekuoa ♪

♪ Mali we ♪

♪ Ningekuoa dada ♪

♪ Nashindwa na mali sina we ♪

♪ Ningekuoa ♪

♪ Malaika ♪

♪ Nashindwa na mali sina we ♪

♪ Ningekuoa Malaika ♪

Sorry.

♪ Pesa ♪

♪ Zasumbua roho yangu ♪

Um, I'll pick up Lottie from my mom's house.

Tomorrow.

- ♪ Zasumbua roho yangu ♪

- Bye.

- ♪ Nami nifanyeje ♪

- Bye.

All right.

Bye.

♪ Nashindwa na mali sina we ♪

- (DOOR LOCKS)

- ♪ Ningekuoa Malaika ♪

♪ Nashindwa na mali sina we ♪

♪ Ningekuoa Malaika ♪

♪ Malaika ♪

♪ Nakupenda Malaika ♪

♪ Malaika ♪

♪ Nakupenda Malaika ♪

♪ Ningekuoa mali we ♪