01x09 - ...Someone Like Me as a Member

♪ I see trees of green ♪
♪ Red roses too ♪
♪ I see them bloom ♪

Hey, dingdongs. We figured out what's happened here.

You two are both named Eleanor Shellstrop.

The day you died, you were both in Phoenix, Arizona shopping at the same grocery store.

Pffft.

The "real Eleanor" was attending a conference on the death penalty, and you stopped by to pick up food for a local homeless shelter.

And "fake Eleanor" was there buying margarita mix and a magazine called "Celebrity Baby Plastic Surgery Disasters."

Incredibly, you both died in the same 10,000ths of a second in the same traffic accident because Real Eleanor was trying to save Fake Eleanor's life by pushing you out of the way of the truck.

I guess you really botched that one, eh?

I did, and I am so, so sorry.

It's all good.

So how did you not realize you had the wrong Eleanor?

Oh, we don't know what people look like... only names and profiles. On Earth, they're just dots on a map.

Whatever, we got our wires crossed, we picked up the wrong dot, blah, blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Point is, there are two Eleanors.

The nice, boring one is yours. The trash bag is ours...

So, trash bag, let's go.

Wh...

Let's hit it. And also... I'm still waiting on that smile, gorgeous.

Trevor.

Where's that smile?

Trevor, how about we negotiate? Maybe give you something else.

What in the world could you have that we would want?

All right, how about a unicorn?

Right? I bet you don't have one of those.

No, that is true, yeah.

[laughs]

Might be fun to skin it alive, eat its raw flesh, maybe break off the horn, grind it up, snort it.

Okay, let's keep talking. Yeah.

Fake Eleanor, a word?

It's just me, man. You can just say, "Eleanor."

Sorry, it just makes things easier.

Look, I'm not even sure how it would work for you to stay here now that we know there's a real Eleanor, but in the meantime, stay on your toes. Don't let Trevor get inside your head.

Can I ask you something?

Why are you helping me?

Well, Chidi made a very good argument on your behalf, but it's more than that. I truly believe that the Good Place is where you belong.

You're part of our team.

Hi! Oh, you must be the new student Eleanor Shellstrop.

I'm Gloria, the senior class secretary.

Cool.

Well, welcome to Adobe High, home of the Scorpi-oties!

Half the school wanted to be the Scorpions, half wanted to be the Coyotes, so we compromised.

Why don't I give you a tour after lunch?

Yeah, no thanks, moptop.

Uh, sorry?

Don't need your help, don't wanna sign your yearbook in, like, gel pen, don't wanna bedazzle our college essays, or whatever. I'm here for like six months, and I'm gonna fly solo.

Beat it, Gloria. She is, like, such a dork.

She, like, loves this school so much.

Why don't you come sit with us? We'll teach you which guys are cute and which teachers are secretly pervs, and...

Yeah, that's a hard pass as well.

I don't wanna get chunky highlights, make fun of nerds, and steal your mom's flavored vodka.

I get your whole "mean girl" thing, and I'm all set with it, thanks.

In fact...

Listen up, everyone.

I'm Eleanor, I'm new here, and as a blanket statement for everyone: I don't wanna be a part of whatever little group you've formed because they're all equally lame.

Everybody cool? Great.

Hey, that was really cool, the way you told all those poseurs...

No.

Michael, welcome. How can I help you?

Well, if I'm going to save Fake Eleanor, I need some help negotiating. I don't even know what to offer.

I mean, what do you get somebody who wants to eat a unicorn?

A unicorn bib, yes! No, no, uh, unicorn holders, you know, like... like, corn holders, but for unicorns?

Perhaps, it'd be better if we just move away from the unicorn thing altogether.

[sighs] No, you're right, you're right.

And anyway, there's a bigger problem: the Bad Place Crew... they're all terrible bullies, and they outnumber me. They even have their own Bad Janet. I'll show you.

Bad Janet?

[tone]

What?

Bad Janet, uh, where is the nearest café?

Oh, um, that's a good question.

It's up your mom's butt, you fat dink.

[tone]

What is even the purpose of a Janet who behaves in such a manner?

Unclear, but the... the point is I never have to deal with negative emotion of any sort. I could use some backup, Tahani.

Oh, Michael, of course.

Why don't you just bring them all here?

Surely this magnificent house will placate them.

Oh, perfect, perfect. I'll be right back.

Well, here's... your house.

It's beautiful... I love Icelandic primitive design.

I kind of wish it had a clown nook, oh...

There it is.

Here's the bedroom. It's kind of hard to get up on this dumb ledge though, it's like...

[beep]

[heavenly music]

[gasps]

You have got to be forking kidding me.

Hey, Fake Eleanor, we used this same clown painting to decorate the room you were supposed to live in down there.

I swear to Bieber.

Wait, what was your house like?

Well, I was living in what I assume is Eleanor's worst nightmare.

Every day was basically one endless baby shower for a woman I didn't know, but also somehow I had to organize it.

And if I didn't remember everyone's name, I got a very strong electric shock.

Yep, that was my pitch.

And then at night, it was pretty classic torture.

Uh, flying piranhas, lava monsters, college improv, and there was always jazz music playing.

Ugh, I hate jazz. Every jazz song is like 40 minutes long. It's like, we get it.

You can blow on a trumpet. Wrap it up, Elton John.

Famously a piano player.

I don't mean to be a bother, but could I possibly get some water and whatever food doesn't turn to spiders in your mouth?

Oh, of course, so sorry. Let's get some dinner.

Yeah, we'll all go. Perfect double date: Two losers, a trash bag, and a demon.

Let's hit it.

Eeh! [laughs]

[classical music]

All right, Michael, we're going to ply them with delicious food and drink, and then we're going to subtly segue into negotiation.

They're sure to be in a good mood.

Everything is absolutely beautiful.

This sucks, dude.

Yeah, this food, uh, blows.

Yo, Good Janet.

[beep]

Hi, there.

Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.

Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeño"?

Also: what is a "poppers"?

Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?

Oops, sorry, guys. Uh, see, in the confusion, Janet got rebooted, so she hasn't quite uploaded all of the info she usually knows.

[laughter]

That's hilarious.

She's almost as stupid as people.

Oh, hey now, come on. Let's not insult people, please.

[as Michael] Uh, I'm Michael, I love, uh, idiot humans!

[laughter]

I gotta admit... that does sound like me.

"I got to admit... that does sound like me."

Oh, nailed it again.

[laughter]

Go get me a drink.

Yes, of course.

Aw, man, this is gonna make a primo dump later on.

Well, that looks delicious. What is that?

Oh, it's Tom Yum Goong soup. It reminds me of when I was in Thailand rescuing victims of human trafficking.

Ooh, that sounds so good. I mean, um, the soup, not the... human trafficking.

Oh, and I think your grilled eggplant looks so good.

Should we...

[together] Splitsies?

Yeah! [laughs]

I can't believe you thought you could pretend to be Real Eleanor.

She's like a perfect ball of light, and you're like a... wet pile of mulch.

Someone made a person out of wet mulch and leaves and, like, dead slugs, and that's you.

Whatever, it's easy when you're just born perfect.

My parents were both dirtbags who split up when I was eight.

I don't mean to eavesdrop, but did you say your parents got a divorce?

Yeah, and that kind of thing really changes a person.

I mean, that trauma... It can explain away a lot of behavior.

Oh, of course.

Your parents are still together, I guess.

Oh, actually, um, I... I'm not sure.

I never met my birth parents.

They put me in an empty fish tank and abandoned me at a train station in Bangladesh.

[groans]

Luckily, I was found and adopted by a very nice couple, the Shellstrops...

Oh, thank God.

But then they died when I was four... bird flu.

That's awful.

Anyway, orphanage burned down, yadda yadda yadda, made my way to America, yadda yadda yadda, learned English from watching "Seinfeld," put myself through law school, and here I am.

Huh. And, I'm sorry, what...

What is it you said happened to you?

The same thing that happens to half of all kids in America?

[laughs]

And for you to have gone through all that, and to end up where you did, it is just...

It's just amazing.

Oh, man, these horndogs are vibing like mofos.

Am I right, Fake Eleanor?

Please, stop calling me that.

Oh, you got it, third wheel.

[laughs]

Yeah, that wine's no good. I'm sending it back.

Hey, Janet.

You look sad.

People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.

That was my whole life on Earth.

You know, it doesn't matter if you know things.

All that matters is what's in your heart.

Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks.

Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question?

Sure.

What are jalapeño poppers?

Oh, I know this one!

Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese.

Hm.

One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes.

Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.

Got it. Thanks, Jianyu.

You're welcome.


[light music]

Why did you do that?

Because you're the only person here that's nice to me.

Okay.

[light music]

Anyone up for a little, uh, icebreaker?

You know, I once did trust falls with Barry Diller, and it was the beginning of a lifelong friendship.

And then once we trust each other, then we can discuss making a deal for Fake Eleanor.

This sucks. How do you guys eat without listening to hard-core p0rn?

Oh, come on, this is the Good Place, you can do anything you want.

What about throwing a rager and totally trashing this place?

Whoo-hoo, yeah, I'd be into that.

Mm, we could totally go to town.

You know, I actually don't think that's such a good idea.

Let's party!

♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪

♪ Who who who who? ♪

Oh, my God!

♪ Who let the dogs out? ♪
♪ Who who who... ♪

So, um, Chidi tells me that he's teaching you about ethics.

Yeah, actually, we've had some interesting and in-depth classes. He taught me about Plato and Socrates, Immanuel Kant...

Yeah, cool, shut up.

Let's cut to the chase here... You two go to Poundtown?

Poundtown, bro. You two bang it out?

She hot for teach? Did you pork the dork?

C'mon, girl, dish me dem dirty deets.

I assure you, our relationship was "teacher-student," nothing more.

Chidi, you don't have to explain anything to me.

Whatever happened before I arrived is none of my business.

Hey, I'd love to see the rest of the neighborhood.

Uh, yes, it's... it's incredible.

Um, there's an amazing library, there's a beautiful, piranha-free lake.

[laughs]

Well, please, show me everything.

You ready, Eleanor?

I've seen it all already. You guys go ahead.

You'd rather be alone with him?

Fire in the hole... watch your heads, ladies.

My dudes tend to boomerang around the room.

Yeah, I mean, I don't need to walk around and nerd out about old books. I'm good.

Okay.

Hey, a bunch of us are gonna go see "Spider-Man 2" tonight. Do you want to come?

They made a second "Spider-Man"?

What is there left to say?

Sure, whatever, I'm in.

Cool, okay, well, I'll get tickets for the eight of us, and you can just pay me back in cash.

So you can get all the points on your credit card, and the rest of us get screwed?

No way.

No, it's just so we can all get tickets before they sell out.

Do you want to buy them?

So you guys can never pay me back, and I'll be out like 80 bucks?

Nice try. I'll buy my own ticket.

The rest of the group can do whatever they want.

Where did she end up?

Bought it with points, baby. My points.

I think I need to find a new place to live.

- [electronic music]

Oh... no, no, no, no.

Don't... Don't...

All right. Ha.

[sighs] Want a bump?

No, thank you, I... I don't use cocaine.

Oh, it's not cocaine, idiot. We're snorting time.

Sorry... you're snorting the concept of time?

Yeah, it'll fork you up.

Yo, monk dude, you know how to tap a keg?

Karaoke time!

Whoo!

Dana, baby, what do you wanna do?

Okay, Mussolini's speech? Ooh, the Mel Gibson rant?

That's a classic.

Classic... Ooh, let's do the Nixon Tapes... that's my jam!

Yeah!

[in Nixon's voice] "What you always have to remember about the Irish is they get mean. Virtually every Irish I've known gets mean when he drinks."

[cheering]

Whoo!

Michael, tell them to stop.

Oh, I think I made it pretty clear that I don't approve.

Hey, idiot. Dance.

You got it.

[in Nixon's voice] "Oh, it's about damn time that the Jew in America realizes he's an American first and a Jew second."

[laughs] I lighted him on fire, and he never spoke again.

You know, maybe I'm not as great as Real Eleanor, but I'm better than I used to be.

I'm medium-good. Why haven't you forkers invented a medium place?

Look, I know you've been trying to become a "better person,"

I mean, you didn't want to get caught. I get it.

But I read your file...

You don't belong here.

I mean, she spent her weekends breaking up dog fighting rings.

You once saw a meter maid writing you a ticket, and you barked like a dog till she ran away.

I mean, honestly, you'll be happier in the Bad Place.

I mean, don't get me wrong, you'll be miserable.

We will torture you, but you'll also be happier because you won't have to keep trying to fit in somewhere you just don't belong.

[sighs]

A'ight.

Let's go.

Okay, hold on, I have to ask: is this thing gonna happen?

You and me?

Ew, no, gross.

Okay, you know I had to ask, babe.

Oh, Tahani, I'm so sorry.

I will obviously clean all of this up.

I don't care about the house, Michael.

I'm just upset that you let them walk all over you.

I know... they're the only thing in the Universe that scares me.

I know what I have to do.

I just have to be... more accommodating.

Offer them everything they want, give in to all of their demands, and then they'll have to respect me.

No, you need to stand up for yourself.

I'm going to tell you the same thing that I told Mark Zuckerberg right before he ousted Eduardo Saverin.

You are smart, you are capable, and the time has come to hit "unfriend." I also told Mark to lose the "the". Just "Facebook."

That was me.

[coughs]

[spits]

[groans] Oh... Oh, my head.

Here, drink this.

How am I hung over?

I thought there were no hangovers here.

Well, the Bad Place Crew requested the hangover filter be turned off. They like them.

So, Michael said we're meeting at Tahani's place in an hour for a negotiation session. We'll walk over together?

You don't have to come, man. I'm good.

Just hang out with Real Eleanor and name constellations after each other, or whatever it is nerds do.

I'm fine on my own.

Yeah, Eleanor, just because we have a new guest in the house doesn't mean I'm not still gonna be there for you.

I'm in this. We're a team.

So you've been temping for us for a year now, and we want to bring you aboard permanently.

We think you'd be a great addition to the team.

Yeah, no. Uh, I'm good.

You're turning it down?

I just don't think I'm really one of you guys.

You're all obsessed with this place, man.

You love working here and talking about working here, and you all hang out like some kind of cult.

We hang out after work because we're friends.

I know. It's weird.

If this is how you really feel, I... I think I have to fire you.

Severance pay. Love it.

Good looking out, boss.

Peace!

You need me to lie to old people and scare them into buying fake allergy medicine.

I get it, man. Which one's my desk?

That one, over there.

All you gotta do is hit your minimal sales target every week.

Cool. And you guys don't have any lame, mandatory office hangouts, right?

Hell no.

Some people go out for a drink after work, and I like to run the occasional group drill to see how fast we can shred evidence, but that's it.

Most days, you'll be able to avoid even talking to another person here.

Perfect. Happy to be a part of the not-team.

It'll be a pleasure not hanging out with you.

All right, let's begin negotiations.

Now, we would like to discuss various trades that we could...

Oh, yeah, we're not negotiating.

See, Fake Eleanor and I, we bro-ed down pretty hard last night. We hooked up.

No, we didn't.

Yeah, but who are they gonna believe... me or a woman?

[laughter]

Point is she knows that she doesn't belong here, and she's giving up.

Is this true?

Fake Eleanor, are you giving up?

Yeah, of course she is. She knows this place isn't for her. Let's go, dingdong.

Come on.

No, I'm not leaving.

Oh, come on, sweetheart, we've been through this.

You know you don't belong here.

You're right. I don't...

But I want to.

I used to never want to be a part of any group, but I'm a different person now because of the person who helped me, and I want to be like him.

I want to be like all the people who are here.

You can, Eleanor.

Thanks, Real Eleanor.

Hey, if you two aren't gonna make out, just shut up.

Look, if you don't come with us, we're gonna have to turn this matter over to Shawn.

Oh, oh, no, um, Shawn, really?

Wha... uh, who's... Who's Shawn?

He's the wise, eternal Judge who sits on high, has the final say on all disputes between our two realms.

And his name is... "Shawn"?

Okay, look, I don't want Shawn involved either, so how about you blow us away with an offer so we can end this.

Okay...

Here's my offer.

You... get... nothing.

We're not letting Fake Eleanor go, and we're not giving you anything.

Get him, Michael!

You can summon every evil creature you have, every weapon in your arsenal, every four-headed flying bear... they have them down there... but we are not giving up. I believe that Eleanor belongs in the Good Place. If I'm wrong, you can take her to the Bad Place and punish her all you want, just really go to town on her.

Gah, gah, gah, easy, buddy, easy.

But she's staying here.

Now, all of you...

Get the fork out of my neighborhood.

[suspenseful music]

[chuckles] You're on borrowed time, Fake Eleanor.

Enjoy it while it lasts. Let's roll, dummies.

Let's get one drink for the road.

Bye.

Did you guys hear any of that?

[collective sigh of relief]

Oh, my...

Bravo, Michael, really. [Tahani claps]

Hello, Jianyu.

You got sloppy. I found your junk food all over the house, and then, last night, you knew how to tap a keg. So I thought I would come in here and investigate your little "meditation" den.

What I found was this.

Now, I don't know who you are, but I do know that you're not a Buddhist monk.

So let's chat, shall we?